How do you give God your life?

I've heard all my life that I need to "Give God my life". And I would say "Yes, that's something I'd like to do." but how on earth do I do it?

Can I just say "God, here's my life?"

It is, in a sense, just that easy. The problem is when you say that and then you sit down to watch something Jesus wouldn't watch. Or you go participate in an activity He would hate.

Unfortunately, when we offer our lives, we seem to immediately forget the idea of "No take-backs!"

For many years I desperately wanted to be used by God. I looked into several things I thought He would like, and nothing came of them. I did other things and they succeeded, just not nearly as quickly as I would have. Other things, happened quicker than I expected and took me completely by surprise.

Overall, I vehemently objected to anything that looked like "doing nothing".

And I made a lot of mistakes.

This past year, deciding on India has been the easiest decision I've ever had someone else make for me.

I knew I was going somewhere.. but not where.

I prayed God would show me where.

God had the words India come out of my mouth.

I prayed if India was it, He'd confirm it.

God confirmed it, but we didn't know where in India.

We started praying for an exact location in India, God gave us "Pastor John"

Who is not only going to be our exact destination, but the help we never imagined in order to make it there.

In all this time there was no rushing, not anxiety as to "what am I going to decide to do for God" just a simple "wait... God will tell me."

All I had to do was be still, be quiet, and listen.

I play the piano with my 2 1/2 yr old Precious. She sticks out her pointy finger and I cover her hand and finger with my own, and we play a song together. It never starts out easily. She's always too excited to be playing. She yanks her hand from me sometimes to pound the keys, she'll keep control of her hand and while I"m trying to move it her hand is stiff because she's trying to hit another note instead of moving on, sometimes she just wants to use her whole hand instead of the one finger I'm intending to control.

It usually takes a couple of attempts before she finally settles down from the excitement that has her yanking around, and allows me to simply "have" her hand and her finger. And we play. That's when her sweet voice almost always announces "I'm playing a song mommy!" 

She doesn't say that while we struggle. Even though we're hitting notes and mangling our way through a song... she doesn't ever say "I'm playing a song" until she's given over her hand. Not until the melody becomes sweeter as she allows me to play through her tiny little finger.

I learn so much from watching my children. God is not like me. His love is different, His thoughts are different, His ways are MUCH different. But I still think I get a glimpse of Him, and of how to be a good child of God, by watching my daughters.

I recorded the following video several days ago, almost immediately thinking about how to write this post. It wasn't until a bit later that I realized the significance of the specific song that we ended up playing.

You want to give your life to Jesus? Say the words "All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him; In His presence daily live."

And mean it.

But be aware, that "all" means, well, it means ALL: Children, family, time, energy, love, hopes, dreams, hobbies, money, pride, peoples good opinions, and so much more.

But when you let go, and you simply rest in His presence, confident that He will open the door to the next destination, decision, direction that He wants you in and that all you'll have to do is listen to Him in order to find it? Let me tell you friends, it's a pretty sweet spot to be in. And you find that the important things you put 2nd to God, only get better, richer, sweeter, happier. And you'll also find that the unimportant things tend to just fade away. And life becomes more full and wonderful than ever before.

Surely I should be more miserable.

188 days till I move to India and life changes dramatically. 

I'm giving up my house. It has a backyard, paid water, and low rent for the neighborhood and quality of house.
I'm giving up my BBQ grill, my piano (again!) the couch God gave me 12 years ago and my big fluffy brown chair.
I'm giving up my pictures on the wall, the few pieces of art I've really enjoyed through the years, the poster I designed that a friend I worked with 2 years ago had HER friend make for me out of sermon notes.
I'm giving up the picture of the man standing in the rain with the words "HOPE CAN SET YOU FREE". I've had that picture over 15 years, and small children ripped the bottom of it so I had to cut the letters out and glue them to make the picture what it looks like today. I'm not artistic, so this picture always makes me proud I can do something and not have it turn out looking like a pre-school project. I also like that it makes me see hope every time I look at it.

I'm giving up my country. America. Where I can hop into my minivan (that I'm also giving up) and buy a hamburger anytime I want, 24  hours a day, 7 days a week. I'm giving up knowing the language and culture around me. I'm giving up knowing what's expected of me and how to not offend people. I'm giving up knowing what is good manners and what is bad manners. I'm giving up the freezer aisle at Wal-mart.

I'm giving up my city that sprays for mosquitoes.

And I could be wrong, but I'm pretty well sure I'm giving up warm, buttery, yeast rolls.

And a few people have told me how hard it will be, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I'm not doing right by my children because of this, or that I'm such a good person for being willing to go. I've been told I shouldn't be going without the backing of an organization, and that odds say I will fail at what I attempt without the training an organization would have required.

The odds are even good that I won't be able to afford the plane ticket home if I did fail.

It seems like the situation couldn't get more dire.

Except...

It's not.

It's not dire at all.

It's so far the opposite of dire that I could fill the next  2 paragraphs with different adjectives describing how "undire" it truly is. And yes, I know undire is not a word.
Boundlessly wonderful - those are real words. It's boundlessly wonderful.

The things I'm walking away from are so small compared to the joy that is waiting for me. A family, a family of Christians. A family of Christians that LOVE each other like no one I know loves people. They actually are concerned if you're unhappy. Whether happy, sad, sick or healthy - when they ask "Yela Vunnaru?" (How are you?) They actually want to know the answer.

I have the profound honor and joy to be asked by God to go somewhere. I'm so excited at the people, the children, the culture, the joy...

A cause.
A purpose.
Used for Christ.
Sheesh, I might even be living in a palace. (The house our friend in India has found that he is wanting us to take is... beyond our imagination.)

I'm breathless. When I stop and think about the future, it takes my breath, my eyes fill with tears, and I wonder how it's possible to be so very happy. Our countdown is at 189 days right now. 189 days till we go. It seems so long.

I am so thankful to live this life. To be able to walk THIS walk. I've written in this blog for many years now, and many many changes have come since the start. But when I started this blog, I never imagined what God could have in store.

It reminds me strongly of a song we used to sing in church that says "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has known what God has in store."

I feel like I must be living someone elses life. This is too good. I know the person I once was. Goodness, I know the person I am now. No way am I good enough, smart enough, loving enough, Christian enough to have God send me to these wonderful people. Me Lord? Surely God is only proving His loving kindness and mercies.

Which brings me to the title of this article - I'm not miserable enough. I thought when I gave God my whole life, and He sent me off to some foreign place... surely I'm supposed to be sad, distraught, challenged, fearful, worried. Surely, I like Jonah, am supposed to run in the other direction. It seems I would feel more "Christian" if I didn't want to go but did so as a great "sacrifice" for my King. I feel utterly selfish and as though I am tricking people by doing something they think is so...hard... when I'm so utterly happy about it. So over my heels with happiness, and joy, and as a enthralled child being told that her Father wants her to go to Disneyland.

If this is giving your life to Christ - by goodness - every single person I know that has not done this is an idiot. Give it to Him. Give Him your every day, every moment, your rest of your life, your school plans, your dreams, your hobbies, your bedroom furniture. Whatever it is.. give it. He takes it, makes something mind-blowingly wonderful and leaves you astounded.

At least that's what He did for me.
I am so thankful for Jesus.

My daughter loves me.

Precious is two years old now. She is... a bundle of personality, and hair, and a vocabulary that sometimes leaves me wondering what on earth she might say next.

She's also in that little section of life that some mothers might call the "terrible two's". I'm trying to not use that word around here much.

But.. um.. wow... she's...possibly losing her mind.

I love her dearly, and wish I could figure out what all is going through her head when she looks me dead in the eye and begins screaming bloody murder because I asked her to take off her shoes, or sit down, or go to the car. 

I've tried every cure I know. I've time-outed, I've given her a small swat or a pinch on the leg, I've even tried ignoring it, I've also tried the screaming "YOU WILL NOT DO THAT AGAIN YOUNG LADY!!!" that I never thought I'd do. Still.. the insanity continues. Sometimes it's stubborn willfulness. Other times, there's legitimately something causing a problem for her. Sometimes it's because the light is off and she's scared of the dark, or.. of course, she's scared of the snow and doesn't want to walk to the car by herself (I didn't say the legitimate reason was rational). But sometimes there's something...

Meanwhile, I'm the crazy mom. The one who starts on with the "You're about to die" voice that tells her the behavior is inappropriate. I'm the one who puts her in timeout until she thinks she'll die in the corner. I'm the one who refused to give her another food of any sort until she finished her broccoli.

I'm also the mom she loves.

I've realized something about that.. it's not about her making a decision to trust me. It's not about her being okay with all of my choices while I stumble through this thing called "motherhood". She just loves me.While we both lose our minds. 

I love her too, but I was the guaranteed love. Hers is the one I always wonder about if I've "earned" it.... but while I've failed hundreds of thousands of times in her short lifespan, I'm the one who loves her most on this earth. I'm hers. And she loves me.

So for all my failures, my love her for is what sticks. That's the part that sinks into her little skull in a way that "Don't poke your sister in the eye" doesn't. For the billion and one lessons I show her each day, the lesson she learns best is the hug in the morning, the kisses and tickles at nap time, and the countless squeezes all through the day.

Being loved is enough to change your life. To change your heart.

All that to say that tonight the words are ringing in my heart:

"Oh how I love Jesus

Oh how I love Jesus

Oh how I love Jesus

Because He first loved me."

When God says move you move.

It has been a long time since I last posted.
And there is so much to write to update this blog on what I've been doing.

It's now October 11th. I'm still as unemployed as I was the last time I wrote. Somehow, all this time, God has provided money for us - despite the fact that two different people that owe me money each month have failed to pay me. EVER. My God is so good.

But here, is the true story that I want to tell

When we moved to Colorado, I felt very confident that we were not here to stay. I didn't even entertain the idea. This was short term.
Months went by and I continuously felt the urging that we would be going to a foreign country.
The main countries that we had contacts with were Uganda, and Haiti, and I was also interested in Liberia. But for some reason, none of those ever felt right. I sat back and just waited. I knew when God was ready to tell me where to go - He would.

Then one day I was talking to myself and I heard myself say that if Jennifer (a friend I have witnessed to -a lot - didn't get saved, she wouldn't be able to go with me to India.

I stopped - what??? India?

I knew nothing of India.

A month or so later, it happened again. Out of nowhere, India came out of my mouth.
Ok God - if it's India it's India.

I'm moving to India?

But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; (1 Cor 1:27)

So on June 27th I emailed my brother. And I said, other than the countries we've been talking about, has any other country come to your mind?
Nothing had that he had recognized as a future destination.
Then, on July 7th, both our families sitting around the oblong tables of Pizza Hut, he leaned forward and said "Hey, do you know David I*****? He's been posting on Facebook that he's needing workers to come to India and help him."
My heart stopped for just a moment. Is this for real?
I explained that India, was the country I had been asking him to confirm just a week or so before.
Next, I emailed a trusted former pastor of mine. I told him my story and said "I don't know anything for sure, but please pray." The next weekend he kept trying to call and we constantly missed each other. I almost emailed him to make sure he knew that everything was ok and I was not planning on shipping off to India next week, but something kept stopping me. In my mind I kept laughing at the idea that was stuck in my mind "No.. he needs to call me because he's going to call me back and tell me that he knows someone going to India".
Then finally his call came through. I waited for the words...
Sure enough. He tells me that just a week or so ago a family friend come to his church and she spoke about her upcoming trip to India.

Next, I went to a Christian bookstore and rented a movie called "This Is Our Time". It's a movie about 4 college students graduating and searching for Gods purpose in their lives. I sat and wept as I watched 2 of the people sit down and tell their friends that God was calling them to India.
It was hard to breathe.
Could this really be true?

I'm moving to India?

And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: (1 Corinthians 1:28)

I'm Jeanette...crazy girl... pastors daughter...someone who fails...A LOT... no way God would bother calling someone like ME to another country of all places. Right?
Wrong.

I'm moving to India.

That no flesh should glory in his presence. (1 Corinthians 1:29)

So we all started making plans. It's a big country.. where to go? So we aimed toward Chennai and started planning. All the while, I kept praying for the next step of direction. We need someone to work with. We need someone in India. We need someone to help us. I didn't want to just "go to Chennai" because I had no other idea where to go. Where Lord?

I went to a website, and I searched for people in India. I found a man who said he lived in India and loved the Lord. I sent him a message and said I was looking for someone that could answer a few questions about India and moving and the culture there.

What I got was above and beyond my wildest expectation. The man was a leader of about 20 churches, with only 10 pastors. He is the coordinator/originator of a children's home that currently has 18 children in it. He's been praying for help for many years.

He's also spent the last month teaching us the language (Telugu), he's answered hundreds of questions about the pastors, culture, customs, clothing, food, church, and so much more.
He's worked incredibly hard to help us Skype our way into participating in 2 of his pastors meetings.

Tonight, before laying my daughter into bed, I held her in my arms and rocked her. We sang our ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, and then a children's song in Telugu. It was heart stopping to me how my life was about to change.

I'm moving to India. 

But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: (1 Corinthians 1:30)

I'm going to encourage people that need to be encouraged. I'm going to help those that need help. I'm going to love people who, from what I've seen so far, know how to love better than anyone else I've ever met. I'm giving away, selling away, discarding all of my worldly goods (Except for about 3 suitcases full) and I am going to gain something so profoundly valuable. Another family. A large family that loves God and lives out their faith in the truest sense of dying to themselves every single day.

 I wish that you could hear them speak. I wish you could listen to their blessings and prayers. I wish you could know how my heart catches to know that their every celebration is filled with prayer. I wish you could know the encouragement it is to see pastors, living on so little, yet serving God with all their hearts every single day.

I'm moving to India!

That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.(1 Corinthians 1:31)

I offered my life to my God, and He has accepted it. I will never be the same.

What a good blueberry has to do with Jesus Christ.

Years ago someone told me that this particular company had frozen blueberries that were simply delicious. I love fruit, and had somehow never tried a blueberry before so I went to the store and purchased these "best blueberries" I'd been assured of. I took them home, let them thaw for a short time and then tossed one in my mouth expecting glorious, delectable, blueberry juice from heaven.

Instead, I frowned, made a face, and decided to let it thaw some more in case that was the problem.

It wasn't.

Over the years since then, I've tried several more times. I see them in the grocery store, so expensive - which surely means they taste better than most fruit right? So gloriously blue - which surely means they're perfectly ripened, right? And so utterly good for you - which... well, that part might explain the bad taste. :)

I do still enjoy blueberry "things". Blueberry-Grape juice is terrific, and I've recently learned how to make blueberry muffins from scratch with fresh blueberries - Delicious. But, I'd rather eat my fruits in their most natural form as much as possible thank you.

But, since I can use blueberries for other things I recently found myself with nearly 5 lbs of blueberries (nothing like a good sale, and friends that think of you when they see sales too!), and I, once again, popped a "nasty" blueberry in my mouth just-to-see. Only this time I was completely surprised.

The nasty tart flavor I'd come to expect was completely replaced by a strong, bold, but sweet and very satisfying blueberry flavor. It was a strong flavor, but man...sweet and delicious. And I have to tell you, I was absolutely surprised and I said "THIS? THIS is what a blueberry should taste like?" I wish I had known all along the real flavor of a blueberry!!

And, as someone who has just recently faced some pretty bitter church experiences, my mind immediately put the two pieces together.

I've been to so many churches and walked out with that "nasty tart" taste in my mouth. Passionless churches with no joy or excitement for Christ. Crazy "show" churches with lights and blaring rock music, people jumping and bouncing but I can't hear myself think, much less hear Christ speaking to me, or even the words to the song. Churches that preach a doctrine but when anyone questions it they're persecuted, and anyone who supports the questioner are not welcome in the church either. Churches that teach you how to live your "Best life now", or how God wants to prosper you with blessings if you'll only give your money to this church. Churches that teach that you're worthy of Gods love - not that you were a sinful wretch and how great is the love of Christ. Churches that focus in on marital issues, divorce, get togethers, singles, grief, drug/alcohol recovery and teaching our kids to be friendly and color within the lines.

Every day people are walking up to those "Christians", every Sunday they are walking into those "Churches" and walking out going "Oh, so that's what Christ is like... I guess I don't like Him after all."

Instead of tasting the bold,amazing flavor, the sweetness and stain your fingers goodness of a true, fully ripened and mature "Church".
A true Christ-flavored Church is one that the experiences with it change your every single daily life. One that convicts you of sin, but also offers you the blood of Jesus Christ as supernatural power to overcome that sin instead of asking you to "fix yourself." A church that gets in your business and says "Hey, what you're doing is sin..." A church that offends you by making sure you understand that sinners do indeed go to hell, and refuses to preach your uncle so-n-so into heaven when he dies. A church that grabs a book like Jeremiah and asks it's people to search their hearts for the idolatry that has been happening in their own homes by love for children, tv, food, self, that has surpassed our love for Jesus. A church that ignores the 10% and boldly, and excitedly says "JESUS WANTS IT ALL" and surrounds you with people desperately asking God to help them give it all. A church that tells you how a life with Christ brings persecution and offense to most of your friends, but it also brings life changing joy and peace, access to the Father and a closeness with a God that is so vast and incomprehensible, yet simple enough that a child can understand and embrace.

You walk out of that church, healthier, challenged, and thinking "Wow, is that what Christ is like? Gimme some more!"

I haven't found any good churches yet, but I've still tasted enough of Jesus Christ to know that He is good. And I want some more.

I'll never look at a blueberry the same way again.

The God who gives us Sweet Peas

Tonight I pulled out my "mom knows best" card. Of course, I'm just like most mothers and I'm not nearly certain I'm not traumatizing my kid, instead of doing "what's best" but I pretend I'm confident.

So as I handed my newly turned 1 yr old ONE small, round, sweet pea and she turned her up nose at me, I rolled up my sleeves.  Screaming and doing her best to twist her head away from me, I managed to get that ONE small pea into her mouth. She promptly spit it right back out and, my hands dripping with spit and drool, mom and baby engaged in hand to mouth combat.

Finally, showing me with her red face how angry she was with me, the pea was down her little gullet. I, because I tend to be overly optimistic and stupid, put 5 or 6 more peas on her plate while I slowly ripped apart a piece of bread into little bites for her.

This child, who had so adamantly informed me that she DID NOT LIKE NASTY SWEET PEAS ANYMORE NO NO NO NO NO, immediately went at the peas. The peas. She happily started eating the peas. Ignored the bread. And she loves bread. But no, she  wanted peas.

I knew she liked sweet peas, because she'd been eating the mashed up jar food for a while now. But she didn't seem to know the small round things I was handing her was the better version of what she'd been eating.

And after swallowing back the guilt that I was traumatizing her by not letting her just say "Mom, I don't want a sweet pea, thanks." there was something very profound to me as this little angry face became a smiley face once again and sat there happily eating her peas.

How many times has God dished something out to me that I just didn't think I wanted? How many times did I cry and pray that God would take something away from me. NO God, I don't want to move away from my family since mom's Alzheimer's is getting worse. NO God, I don't want to quit my  job! NO God, I can't afford to give that kind of money away.

And yet, after He insists, here I sit with two precious babies, unemployed and deliriously happy. Eating my peas.

So many times it's easy to forget "Father". But as I continue to mush around in this role called "Momma" I see the Father at work in my own life; past and present. Watching my own happy, goofy, tearful, angry, crying, stubborn girls - I see myself. Messy and in need of discipline before the only Father who can bring out in me the end product that only He can see.

God is so good.

Fear, Faith, and the Vacuum Cleaner

38 days I've been unemployed.

We are still thriving and have food on the table, and more than enough.

My minds eye wanders down the road 4-5 months or so though and wonders what is happening then; but right now I'm doing my best to simply focus on the fact that God has already worked so many little miracles for us that it's hard to believe.

One of those miracles just happens to be my upcoming move. We will be moving to another home next month. One larger, with a garage and backyard (which we don't have now) and amazingly enough it's less rent than what I'm paying now. So next month will be occupied with moving about. I'm thankful and confident that this is just one more way in which my Savior and King is providing and responding to my daily needs.

Which brings me to something that seriously caught my attention tonight. I love finding God in the unusual or the things that don't seem to have anything to do with God at all. and tonight, as I vacuumed my house I couldn't help but be struck by something my soon-to-be-daughter did.

My "New Kid" is now 10 months old. Precious is 2. Precious wanders around the house while I vacuum. She follows me and alternates between holding her ears and picking up the cord to hold it. New Kid is a completely different story. She screams. Screams in utter, ear splitting, I can't breathe, I'm panting and quaking in terror and I'm utterly completely terrified.

I've tried multiple things to help, sequestering her in another room, holding her, nothing really works. And holding her tends to slow me down which just makes the whole, apparently terrifying, process take longer, so I leave her alone and just vacuum as quickly as I can.

Can you imagine what she does as I vacuum? I can't even describe the screams.. it's far different from her typical cry. It's a special gut shaking cry that only comes out for the vacuum cleaner. But while she screams.... she gets as close to the vacuum as she possibly can. Why? Because that's where I am.

I still don't understand it. In logic I'm telling her to go hide by the couch, I'll be done soon...and she's so completely consumed with just being as close to me as she possibly can that half the time I'm trying not to run over fingers and toes with the vacuum - which certainly wouldn't help abate this fear.

It takes awhile to vacuum the whole house so by the time I was finished I was utterly gripped by her approach to the terror. And as I contemplated it I could only think of how as illogical it was, yet if she knew her only hope, her only faith was in me eventually making this awful moment end and picking her up she was going to be right there at my feet, possibly clutching my leg when I was ready.

Sitting here, eyes welling up with the implications of it all, I know I haven't truly earned that trust. She hasn't even been here 3 months yet. Yet her only hope, her only confidence was in me.

In the last years Jesus Christ has earned that confidence from me.

If I'm going to crash and burn in this unemployment thing, I'm going to do it as close to His feet as possible because I understand math. And $0 - $1200 doesn't get my rent paid, my kids fed, and my water running. My only hope, my only confidence is in Jesus Christ. He is able.

My last day

It feels slightly unreal.

No, strike that, it doesn't feel real at all.

It feels like nothing has happened.

Today was my last day of work.

Technically I am now under employed.

I have a job working 2 days a week throwing newspapers. A job that the girls will be able to ride around in the car while we do this. It pays 2/3rds of what we need to survive. I haven't figured out the other 1/3rd yet. I'm hoping someone will finally answer my craigslist ad accepting my offer of childcare.

On Monday morning, I will not wake up and hustle us out the door by 7am.
That part hasn't sunk in yet. I'll be home, healthy, the kids healthy, and yet we won't be at work/daycare.

I had expected today to feel ... like something. But instead, it went like normal. Lots of work, a last minute hire, and wiping down my desk.
Nothing major happened. Until the last hour.

In the last hour an employee that had recently been terminated from his position came in to pick up his final check. He was in a hurry to catch the bus, but he wanted to schedule a time to talk to me. I had to tell him that was my last day so if he didn't talk to me now... So he glanced anxiously at his watch and then said "Let's talk now".

He came to my desk and explained what had happened the day he was terminated and then he told me the rest of his story. He's ready to give up. His wife has cancer in her lymph nodes. She's 31, has already had a least one surgery in Jan and they've already found it's returned and will  be doing another surgery. He's about to be evicted from his home, he's behind on his bills. He's ready to give up. He even admitted he'd taken pills... to no avail.

For the last 30 minutes of my day, I was able to tell someone point blank "You need Jesus."
Not just witness... but point blank. No beating around the bush. No suggesting that church might be a good thing. Not politely saying I'd pray. I was able to actually say "You do need help. You  need help. The only thing that will help is Jesus. You need Jesus. Your wife needs you to have Jesus. Your kids need you to have Jesus. You need Jesus."

And I just happened to have my Bible still at my desk, and I gave it to him. I'm praying he actually reads it. And doesn't just ... well.. treat it like most church-goers do.

And you know what I realized? Witnessing to sinners is downright wonderful. It's so... beyond amazing. I'm so used to talking to church-goers that are sure they are ok, and offended if you suggest otherwise. Talking to someone who knows actually knows they aren't ok - that's such an incredible feeling.

I need to find me some sinners.

A life that actually happens.

I posted something on my Facebook, and I wanted to convey in my "share" that this wasn't just a story, but an actual human being that had existed. But when I read my words later I realized how much they meant to me.

"This life actually happened."

I know a lot of people that have lives that aren't happening.

They have dreams they aren't following, plans they aren't making, goals they aren't fulfilling and, most of all, talents they aren't using. Their life, as God intended it - just isn't happening.

Her name was Irena Sendler.
She saw something bad happening.
She felt she had to do something.
And then she did something rare:
She actually did something. (click link to see full story)
...But in 1942, the Nazis herded hundreds of thousands of Jews into a 16-block area that came to be known as the Warsaw Ghetto. The Ghetto was sealed and the Jewish families ended up behind its walls, only to await certain death. Irena Sendler was so appalled by the conditions that she joined Zegota, the Council for Aid to Jews, organized by the Polish underground resistance movement, as one of its first recruits and directed the efforts to rescue Jewish children.

To be able to enter the Ghetto legally, Irena managed to be issued a pass from Warsaws Epidemic Control Department and she visited the Ghetto daily, reestablished contacts and brought food, medicines and clothing. But 5,000 people were dying a month from starvation and disease in the Ghetto, and she decided to help the Jewish children to get out. For Irena Sendler, a young mother herself, persuading parents to part with their children was in itself a horrendous task. Finding families willing to shelter the children, and thereby willing to risk their life if the Nazis ever found out, was also not easy.

Irena Sendler, who wore a star armband as a sign of her solidarity to Jews, began smuggling children out in an ambulance. She recruited at least one person from each of the ten centers of the Social Welfare Department. With their help, she issued hundreds of false documents with forged signatures. Irena Sendler successfully smuggled almost 2,500 Jewish children to safety and gave them temporary new identities.

Some children were taken out in gunnysacks or body bags. Some were buried inside loads of goods. A mechanic took a baby out in his toolbox. Some kids were carried out in potato sacks, others were placed in coffins, some entered a church in the Ghetto which had two entrances. One entrance opened into the Ghetto, the other opened into the Aryan side of Warsaw. They entered the church as Jews and exited as Christians. "`Can you guarantee they will live?'" Irena later recalled the distraught parents asking. But she could only guarantee they would die if they stayed. "In my dreams," she said, "I still hear the cries when they left their parents."

The Snopes article was pretty fantastic too.
There is also a book on her work: Life in a Jar: The Irena Sendler Project by Jack Mayer

I'm not saying we ought to do something terrifying and dangerous and in rebellion to the government. I'm saying that if you have something you're supposed to be doing - stop being afraid and go do it.
Be willing to risk failure, foolishness, laughter, mocking, and being wrong.

In a letter, read on her behalf during a ceremony celebrating her efforts, Irena wrote: Every child saved with my help is the justification of my existence on this Earth, and not a title to glory.

"Justification of my existence on this Earth."

We tend to be under the impression that we're here to live our desires out. Make money, get married, be superficially happy, buy a cheeseburger, go see a movie. Then die.

That's what happens when you take God out of the equation.

Instead, if we put God back into the equation we can realize this:

You have a purpose.
There is a reason YOU are here.
YOU. The person you are with the gifts, and talents, and tendencies towards science, or medicine, or computers, or baking, or cleaning.
The Creator of all things knew that YOU were a piece of the puzzle that He wanted put together for a beautiful picture of His creation that brings HIM so much glory.
He knew that YOU would find fulfillment in following Him and chasing the fullness of His built-in dreams.

It's easy to esteem things; to think of them so highly and celebrate their worth. But, far better would be to live those things. Live. Go to God and live.
Why do I say "Go to God and live?"
Becuase you won't find that 'goal fulfillment' in following your goals your way. When you go to God He moves you in places you wouldn't expect, He delays you when you think you should go, He adds details you don't think fit, and He speeds things up that you think should take a long time.

In other words - He doesn't do it your way. He does it better.

I had plans for my life, I loved kids so I was going to foster. I was going to foster and foster and foster until I was one of those ladies that had fostered 117 kids and had a thousand and one stories.
And God moved me to San Antonio.
And God handed me Precious.
And God moved me to Colorado.
And God handed me New Kid.
And God.... I don't know what's next for us, but I know that if I keep listening and waiting - that my world will simply continue to be something that amazes me.
If I'd done it my way?????  I get stressed just trying to imagine it.

Go to God.
Live your life His way.
Be amazed.

What's your dream job?

The other day at work, I asked my co-worker what his dream job is. His out of the blue response? I would like to live in Washington (state) and take people out for tours on my fishing boat.

It stopped me in my tracks for a moment because for the life of me, he didn't strike me as the "Skipper" kinda guy. But the more I think about it, the more I can absolutely picture it. White shorts, sunglasses, uber blond, and a warm gray day with him climbing into his boat. I can absolutely see it.

So I asked him: "What's stopping you?

He has savings, already has a boat, debt free, and single.

Fear of failure.

That was it. Openly admitted it.

"I could crash and burn and lose all my money"

I reminded him, that he could also be happy. He wholeheartedly agreed to that.
But still is scared to chase his dream job.

Seeing as I just turned in my 2 weeks notice to the professional world and am praying God will provide while I attempt to raise my daughters full time..... I'm becoming a bit of an experiment for him. Right now, all he sees is that I've quit my job, and am a little crazy with  happy right now.

Sitting in your cube, your desk, your construction site, your school is important. But what's more important is to be where you were created to be. God designed us with a purpose in mind and once you find yours it's time to go do it. That's where you'll find happiness and peace - even if you don't find fame and fortune.

But as I wandered over to Amazon to order him a captains hat so I can give it to him as a goodbye present on my last day - I started to wonder about others:
What job do you have, and what is your dream job?

The Tuesday after quitting

I've been busy. I've advertised a ton for childcare, baking cakes, and a laundry service. I wouldn't have thought of the laundry service except the lady who sold me my car had used it for her laundry service. So I just added it to the list of "What can I do?"

So tonight, I'm finishing up two cakes - I quickly got an order for a chocolate cake and a pineapple upside down cake. No one else has contacted me though so I'm not sure how ultimately profitable/busy this will be. Unless my customer really raves about it.

This morning I met with Zak. He handles the newspaper delivery for this district. I now have a two day route that goes out early mornings and I can take the kids with me. I'm praying that Human Services doesn't balk at this. It's going to cover a major chunk of my monthly $$ goal. I start on Easter Sunday. Sundays and Wednesdays.

This afternoon I got a call from a grandmother calling for her daughter. They're switching daycares and are interested in talking to me. She's the first one that I've talked to that I really thought would be a good fit. I'm  praying.

I love my daughters. One of the things that was running through my mind recently was the sermon of the talents. Right now, I feel that if Christ returned and looked at the two gifts He's handed me that He'd see the original two talents. And I'm hoping that these changes will multiply to my daughters so that I will be found a good steward bringing back to him 5 and 10 talents where He gives me 1. He gives the increase, but this is a field I pray I'm given a chance to labor in.

I don't have a clue what I'm doing.
But I feel really joyful.

And that pineapple upside down cake smells really good.

Saving money and making changes

Day 2 of "I can't believe I quit my job".

• I spent tonight doing more math and being a little less frugal in my estimates so I wouldn't find myself surprised at the end of the month that I should have budgeted a bit more for the electric bill.
• I checked out a 2 day a week paper delivery job that, after gas, would almost cover half of my monthly money needs. I was only able to leave a message.
• I had a couple of emails about the "services offered" for childcare but nothing that will turn into anything I think. If I were available next week I could have had a kiddo for one week... but I am working out my 2 weeks of notice. If I bomb and this whole thing wasn't a God-thing and just a Jeanette-was-sooooo-stupid-thing, I want to leave my job with bridges that have flowers, shade, and fresh pavement. . . in other words as far in the direction of not burned as I can get.
• I also looked at one thing that truly makes me shudder. I've cut so many costs there's not much left to cut but one large expense I have each month is diapers. So, *gulp* I'm looking into cloth.

This isn't going to turn into a mommy blog I assure you. It's a Jesus blog. This blog is titled "This Walk" for a reason. This just happens to be what I'm doing to try my best to be obedient to what I believe God is asking of me.  I truly, truly believe God has asked me to raise my girls primarily. That the raising of the girls has to come first. Currently we leave the house at 7:15am, I drop them at daycare at 7:45am, pick them up at 5:15 and we get home at 6pm. Such is the life for many kids and moms, but the last month I've felt a strong urging that God wants something different for me and the girls.

So... while I'm not a mommy blogger, I do have mommy specific questions. If you know of any cloth diapers that you've had that worked just wonderfully I'd appreciate your suggestions.

Have you ever used cloth diapers? If so, what kind?
How many did you purchase to have on hand?
Seriously... how hard and nasty was it?
Did you ever have an explosion?

Thanks!

I quit my job today... what did you do?

Seriously... yeah. I quit my job.

To update you on my life right now, I am a single female, mom to 2 yr old Precious and future mom to 8 month old New Kid (she is with me as a kinship placement and I hope to have her adopted at the end of this year or early next).
The State is pretty strict about the fact that I can't become homeless or destitute before they let me adopt kids.

Didn't stop me though... I quit my job today.

And better still? I don't plan on getting another one.

I'm going to sit at home, advertise that I'm happy to watch kids in my home, and be a stay at home mom.
That's the plan until I go broke, or God sends me kids to watch.

I feel confident that I am supposed to do this. For some reason though, I'm absolutely shaking in my boots that it won't work out. I should have more faith than that by now right?
*** Deep breath ***

That done, I'm going to at least chronicle this craziness on my blog. I will open the blog to the public once again and maybe I'll become a famous "I can't believe she survived that" blogger. Or.. perhaps a "Whoa, did you read the blog about that lady that totally bombed!!!" blogger.

So to any readers that may have done anything similar - I'd love to hear your stories. Did you find a way to work from home? Did you quit your job to chase self-employment? Feel free to comment!

A lot of like

Last night as I was going through our nighttime routine with Precious, I was thinking about something someone had told me recently. We were discussing how difficult international adoptions could be, how some countries had banned single parents, closed doors altogether to the USA, or just had unusual requirements.

One such family that he mentioned told of a couple that was applying to adopt and the couple was told that the father would have to lose 30 lbs before they would consider him a valid prospect to adopt their children.

I was amazed that he was able to do it. Losing weight is hard.

And quite frankly, taking a bullet for your kid in a split second decision, is a thousand times easier than living every single day, giving up cookies and sodas and extra portions.
Parents say they love their kids, they'd do anything for them, but if they were told they had to lose 30 lbs do you think they actually could?

That's why I think there is what we call "love" and what God defines as love in 1 Corinthians 13.
That love can lose 30 lbs. That love can live its life selflessly for others. That is love.

What we have is a lot of like.

I know what the "right" answers are supposed to be - but I believe in answering questions honestly. Stopping and really thinking about it. I tend to answer sometimes even more harshly on myself than I have to. But tonight my question is:
Do I love God or do I just really like Him?

Except for the grace of God: I am her.

Today I Skyped with New Kid. She's sitting in her high chair, sitting straight up flexing her new muscles, and as I watched her grin and smile and bang her fork on her tray her foster mother told me something that rocked my little world.

"The caseworker says the bio mom is in jail right now - and she's said she's 4 months pregnant."

Am I going to have 3 children? 4 children? When will this woman stop having children?

She's addicted to drugs, trying to fill some ache inside her and calm a need that drugs can't fix.
She's addicted to having babies (6 kids born and possibly 1 more on the way), trying to fill some ache inside her to calm a need that babies can't fix.

Only God can help.
Only God.

Amongst the deep pain for her search, I realized today that too often we only notice the people who are obviously self exploding.We miss the ones that implode, silently, massively. This bio mom may not be hurting more than your kids 2nd grade teacher, more than my daycare workers, more than you. She just handles it differently.

When you hit those moments, do you turn to God? Or do you grab a tin of ice cream, spend big bucks on something unnecessary, quit your job? What do you do?

I don't have enough???

Each morning, I do the same thing. I peek into my daughters room and grin at her. Sometimes she immediately sees me, sometimes I get a few moments of watching her play in her bed. But eventually, always, her head turns my way and I get the grin that makes every morning just... awesome. She grins and the as quickly as she possibly can she stands up to the edge of her crib and starts bouncing up and down, often shrieking with her early morning happiness.

Then, before I get her out of bed, I dig in her drawers for her outfit for the day.

And sometimes, I just can't find anything.

Yet, this week, as I went through her drawers organizing things for New Kids arrival, I realized just how much she has. More than enough. A little too much maybe, but certainly more than enough.

It's easy to let our lives become jumbled.  Cluttered, and messy, and too busy. When it gets like that, all we can see is "Not enough". But when we stop, we just slow down and take stock of what we have - it suddenly seems like more than enough.

I'm overweight, so I've read a lot of information about food and health and such. And one of the main things I've seen about eating is that we need to focus on our food when we eat. When we eat in front of a tv, or while distracting ourselves with something else, we tend to eat more because we don't realize how much we're taking in. We don't realize we're full.

I think it would be a very simple thing for me to take from my daughter, while I distractedly cook, clean, internet, and more - while she lavishes inconvenient hugs or sticky hands on clean clothes, and brilliant smiles that I can't ever imagine as being less than awesome - yet I don't always look up to enjoy each one.

And I don't want to get to the end of the day, having taken - yet taken for granted with obliviousness instead of with appreciation and joy. It's easy to think you have little. When in reality... I've got more than enough. A little too much maybe, but certainly more than enough.

A dark room and an empty crib

I was standing in my daughters bedroom. Even though she's nearly 2 years old, just before I laid her in her crib I took a moment. I held her like a baby and rocked her back and forth singing to her. I was singing one of our favorite songs that I'd made up: "I love you, yes I do; won't you be my little baby. I love you, yes I do; won't you be my little baby."

As I sang, I looked over at the second crib in the room. The empty one. The day she arrives feels so close. It has to be soon. As I looked at that crib, I could almost imagine her face, her arms and legs twisting, her little chest softly moving up and down, her eyes peacefully closed. I could envision her whole existence.

And in those few minutes of rocking, singing, and imagining the future, something changed in my mind. It's hard to explain how my mind works, but very simple things become spiritual lessons for me. So as I imagined the future child - I wondered if perhaps God wanted me to envision future spiritual children in much the same way.

I would describe myself as "barren". I'm single, and as such, I will not be producing children of my own. Yet, God has given me children.

But these children did not come without some effort. At least the first one arrived by very intense prayer and warfare. I fought. I fought in prayer and tears and song. And into my arms was delivered a child. She was not given to me for temporary enjoyment, but for long term care. She is mine to raise, to grow, to teach about Him.

I don't have any Spiritual children. I could easily call myself Spiritually barren. But I haven't wept and prayed and fought lately for anyone except my own daughters. I haven't fought to birth anything or anyone... not spiritually at least.

So tonight I'm wondering about myself and my priorities. I want to make sure I'm as available to God for Spiritual Children, as I am for His earthly children. I don't get to serve Him in one area and ignore others.

Waiting

On Monday, my caseworker is supposed to contact me to go over the home study and ask a few last minute questions. I'm hopeful that this means that it will be submitted shortly and New Kid will soon be here.

Surely she will be here soon.

So tonight, with my Precious helper, I cleaned out her dresser and consolidated some of Precious's clothes into two drawers so that New Kid could have the other two.

There was a lot of talk from me to my helper about New Kid. I can only imagine my daughter... as a sister. I can hardly wait.

She's grown up so much in the last month. Saying more words, starting to respond a few times with "Yes" instead of just repeating whatever words you said. And saying things on her own, doing things on her own. Today, she did something that she liked and made herself laugh - so she rushed over to me laughing and pointed at it and said "look".

And then, during her nap all she did was cry - and I realized she was having trouble breathing. She was crying and very limp, didn't move much at all. I immediately gave her a breathing treatment and withing 30 minutes she was coming back to more like normal. I'd backed off the breathing treatments thinking she was doing better after catching some type of bug earlier in the week. Apparently I was wrong. I'll pick them back up again.

At the end of the night I told her to pick up her toys and she cried and screamed her whole way through it. You'd have thought I was beating her from her very loud distress. But nothing could have been further from my mind. Instead, by some strange act of the heart, as she screamed and cried and picked up her toys I loved her all the more. I loved her in her tears. I don't know how Godly that is but it always makes me wonder about Gods love for me when I love so much during a foolish moment like that one.

I'm praying that I am a good mother. That I'll be a good mother with two children. That I'll raise them in the fear and honor of God. That I raise them forever as Gods children - always aware that I am watching his children, and not my own.

Every day I'm well aware of the fact that it's so easy to fail. To let kids just "grow up" instead of raising them. Daily I feel like I'm trying to remember to fertilize, water, pull weeds, swat bugs. Constant diligence.

It's so easy to fail.

Only God could make me successful at this.

I didn't know what a shield looked like till now.

Some days I can feel the wave. It's like a tidal wave looming over me. In reality it should crash, burying me under the water, smothering me, overwhelming me, slamming me down into submission.

But that's all it ever does.

It looms.

Precious has been sick, I'm missing time at work.
Work is.... wow... busy, complicated, difficult.
New Kid is due to arrive within a few weeks.

The wave; it's right there over my head. It's a wave of doubt. Doubts that say I'll lose my job because I'm missing time at work. Doubts that say I can't handle this crazy workload at work. Doubts that say how on earth am I going to raise 2 little girls and be the kind of mother they need? Doubts that look at my finances and wonder mathmatically how two little girls are possible.

That said . . .

The wave never crashes.

I sit, calm, content, sober and excited all at the same time.

I know that if God has called me into these things - He's going to handle them. All of my doubts are about me. But there isn't a one about my God. I can't do what He's called me to. But I believe that He can somehow do them through me. Because He's God. And I believe in Him. I can not, but God can.

And sitting here tonight, that's when I realized ... really realized... what a "shield of faith" looks like. I'm no spiritual giant by any means. All these terms you hear about in the Bible or Christian world, I know them. I can quote them and even describe them. But much like God - it's different to actually KNOW them. And most of them I don't actually "know".

So as I realized that my doubts were the fiery darts of the enemy, and that my simple faith that God is able is what was preventing me from feeling overwhelmed, desperate, scared...It was like a light bulb went off. This is my shield. Where I might have been tormented before (and boy have I felt tormented before!!!), this time.. nothing. I see it there, almost as a tangible thing. But it hasn't touched me. Every single day, I plow on. I go to work (if the baby's sickness isn't keeping me home that day), I've done things at work that I thought were way beyond my skills. And New Kid, I'm as ready as a new parent could be for her arrival. I just keep moving. God is able. I'm not. I know it.

I'm in completely over my head. And I've never been able to breathe easier.

The Triwizard Tournament

You remember reading the Harry Potter series? I think it was book 4 maybe, that told all about the TriWizard tournament. It was the 2nd challenge that was so frustrating for me to read. Page after page of Harry ignoring the clue, not trying to figure it out because it wasn't easy. Page after page of me feeling much like Hermione and inwardly screaming "FIGURE OUT THE CLUE ALREADY!!!"

Yet, even with that frustration, I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew somehow he'd make it through the challenge. Why? It's the way the books work. Impossible odds, incredible challenges, and somehow the main character makes it through. It didn't matter that this was book 4 of what I knew would be 7 books. He was going to be ok, somehow.

Knowing that didn't stifle my inward "Could you just think about the stupid egg for a second Harry?" though.

But that's how I feel today. I am, hopefully 3 weeks away from New Kid arriving at my home. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay for everything. Daycare costs will increase by more than double, formula, diapers... there's so much. How on earth am I going to do this? I'm squeezing by sometimes just as it is. How is this going to happen?

But at the same time, I know how my life has played out in the past. I know Who is in charge. I know God always walks this road with me as long as I'm doing His will. I feel His will in this. So despite the clawing fear in my throat, I know it's going to be ok. I think it's going to be hard, and I won't know how it will play out, but somehow, someway, the end of the story is always the same. God made a way. And He'll get more glory from the fact that it was impossible, and I'll grow in faith because I'll be the one sitting here knowing just how impossible it is.

My God is able. He's not just watching out for me, but for New Kid and Precious. I can trust the Author isn't going to change His writing style. He is able. I am not. So I will do it only through Him.
 God be with us.