I hate apologizing.
It's not because it's humbling, I can take that. But I hate it for two other reasons.
First, it means I've done something wrong - again.
Let's face it, this won't be my first time apologizing. So I'm a repeat offender. That comes as no surprise, especially to those that know me. But, there's probably no one that's only sinned once so at least I'm not alone.
When you look back on how many times I go around apologizing, and how few they are, I realize that there are probably so many other times that I'm just not aware of the sin. Among the many changes in my life, one of the priorities is to be aware of the sins in my life. It's rarely right away that I realize I have committed an offence, but later on as I'm thinking about the events of the day that the revelation that I should have handled something differently hits me. But when I think about the hundreds of words I say each day, and my penchant to spout off without thinking...I wonder how many sins my heart has overlooked.
The second reason I hate to apologize?
If you go back later and remind someone of an event and apologize for it, you almost always have to convince them that you should apologize. They are generally more than willing to gloss over your faults and failures either because they love you, want to act like they love you, or because they just don't want to seem harsh. It's a bit, well, strange trying to convince someone that you've wronged them, and thus sinned against God and that it is important, whether they were offended/noticed the crime or not.
I understand now why people have accountability partners. You could easily confess any sin to an accountability partner, and then because of their constant reminders go and apologize. But without those people, it's just between you and God. God knows what I did, saw me act without thinking because I was determined that doing this a certain way was better. God is the only one that will know if I don't apologize. And when, when I do apologize it won't be because of anyone elses reminders except God's.
I actually like this way better. This way God knows - by my actions, NOT just my words - that I want to please Him. My actions have no other motivation, no one else is pushing me, no one else is reminding me, it's just me. Me and God.
And that I like.
Friday, November 17, 2006
A quote about worship
"Worship is a powerful witness to others. More people are won to Christ by feeling God's presence than by all our theological arguments combined. Few people, if any, are converted to Christ on purely intellectual grounds. No, it's a sense of God's presence that melts hearts, and exposes and tears down mental barriers. In genuine worship God's presence is felt, God's pardon is offered, God's purposes are revealed, and God's power is displayed.When the spiritually hungry come to church and see us relate to God in heartfelt praise, it creates in them a desire to know Him too!"
Thanks to One-sided for this quote from Karen Brewer
Thanks to One-sided for this quote from Karen Brewer
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Reverencing God
I worked in a little town called Cleburne yesterday. Our company has other offices around Texas and this particular one is two hours away.
Yesterday morning I got up at 1am, picked up newspapers for one job I've got and then went home and was able to take a 30 minute nap before heading to our other office.
I finished up at our other office at 5:20pm and wondered if there was any way to make it to church on time. Our church starts at 7:30. I breezed into town at 7:15 and then had to make the 20 minute drive to my church.
I didn't stop for anything. I made a note of my mileage and time for work so I could e-mail them later as to why I didn't clock out when I got back to town that way I wouldn't have to stop to make a stop at the office before heading on to church. I chose to go in the clothes I'd been wearing all day at work because stopping at my house would have taken time.
If I was too late, they might have skipped the song service and just done the teaching. If teaching only takes 30 minutes then if I have to stop and do all this other stuff before heading on, I might have missed it altogether.
You see, I like church. It's generally the only time I see or talk to my church family, and the only time I get to be taught by this particular pastor, about my particular Saviour. I want to learn more, and I can see my obvious growth since I've been at this church. I don't want to miss a thing.
So I went just as I was.
Now let me take you back to several days ago as I listened to another pastor preach to me about reverence and holiness. I know he was preaching to me because he was looking right at me and I was the only other person at the table besides my mom. I learned how we show up to church unprepared, without reverence in our hearts for God. How we'll show up wearing the same clothes we'd worn at work all day - or worse - and not give God the proper respect He deserves by our cleaning up and changing clothes. I learned, from this pastor, that according to God holiness may be an inward condition, but if the evidence of it isn't on the outside then it's obviously not on the inside.
I didn't plan to try and show my lack of holiness so quickly after my personal little sermonette. But it just worked out that way. So I'm wondering about the selfishness involved as I put my hunger for God over His need for the reverence that I failed to show by changing clothes. Which made me wonder something else.
Throughout the bible there are stories of people that offered sacrifices that weren't acceptable. King Uzziah wanted to burn incense, God didn't want him to so He struck Uzziah with leprosy.
Saul went out to war because God told him to. But instead of killing everything like he was instructed to do, he saved some of the animals in order to sacrifice them to God. Sounds good right? God didn't think so.
Ananias and Sapphira wanted to give only a portion rather than the whole and when they lied about it they were killed instantly.
You want to think badly about Ananias and Sapphira but, if you sold all your land and gave all the money to the church except a thousand dollars, you'll probably think you've still done something pretty incredible. God didn't. Not when they lied about it.
Reverencing God, giving Him a place of Holiness in my life has been exhausting. It's a never ending process of change and repentance. I guess that's why I haven't gotten to the outward evidence yet.
There's some sarcasm in this post. I'll admit that right out. But not as much as you'd probably think. In one sense huge portions of this post are sarcastic, and in another sobering sense it's hardly sarcastic at all.
You see, in a way I feel all self-righteous that some people are so worried about the outside that they fail to see that their heart is corrupt. But when I forget about other people and only think about my own life, I see so many ways in which outwardly I can show God's Holiness and the magnitude of it. The respect He deserves and the honor He's due. There are so many things I could do as outward signs since people can't see the inward signs.
Maybe one day I'll graduate to that. To something that goes beyond the fruits of the Spirit, something beyond just loving God and others, maybe to something that might look like legalism but is actually just pure unadulterated love for my perfect Savior.
Yesterday morning I got up at 1am, picked up newspapers for one job I've got and then went home and was able to take a 30 minute nap before heading to our other office.
I finished up at our other office at 5:20pm and wondered if there was any way to make it to church on time. Our church starts at 7:30. I breezed into town at 7:15 and then had to make the 20 minute drive to my church.
I didn't stop for anything. I made a note of my mileage and time for work so I could e-mail them later as to why I didn't clock out when I got back to town that way I wouldn't have to stop to make a stop at the office before heading on to church. I chose to go in the clothes I'd been wearing all day at work because stopping at my house would have taken time.
If I was too late, they might have skipped the song service and just done the teaching. If teaching only takes 30 minutes then if I have to stop and do all this other stuff before heading on, I might have missed it altogether.
You see, I like church. It's generally the only time I see or talk to my church family, and the only time I get to be taught by this particular pastor, about my particular Saviour. I want to learn more, and I can see my obvious growth since I've been at this church. I don't want to miss a thing.
So I went just as I was.
Now let me take you back to several days ago as I listened to another pastor preach to me about reverence and holiness. I know he was preaching to me because he was looking right at me and I was the only other person at the table besides my mom. I learned how we show up to church unprepared, without reverence in our hearts for God. How we'll show up wearing the same clothes we'd worn at work all day - or worse - and not give God the proper respect He deserves by our cleaning up and changing clothes. I learned, from this pastor, that according to God holiness may be an inward condition, but if the evidence of it isn't on the outside then it's obviously not on the inside.
I didn't plan to try and show my lack of holiness so quickly after my personal little sermonette. But it just worked out that way. So I'm wondering about the selfishness involved as I put my hunger for God over His need for the reverence that I failed to show by changing clothes. Which made me wonder something else.
Throughout the bible there are stories of people that offered sacrifices that weren't acceptable. King Uzziah wanted to burn incense, God didn't want him to so He struck Uzziah with leprosy.
Saul went out to war because God told him to. But instead of killing everything like he was instructed to do, he saved some of the animals in order to sacrifice them to God. Sounds good right? God didn't think so.
Ananias and Sapphira wanted to give only a portion rather than the whole and when they lied about it they were killed instantly.
You want to think badly about Ananias and Sapphira but, if you sold all your land and gave all the money to the church except a thousand dollars, you'll probably think you've still done something pretty incredible. God didn't. Not when they lied about it.
Reverencing God, giving Him a place of Holiness in my life has been exhausting. It's a never ending process of change and repentance. I guess that's why I haven't gotten to the outward evidence yet.
There's some sarcasm in this post. I'll admit that right out. But not as much as you'd probably think. In one sense huge portions of this post are sarcastic, and in another sobering sense it's hardly sarcastic at all.
You see, in a way I feel all self-righteous that some people are so worried about the outside that they fail to see that their heart is corrupt. But when I forget about other people and only think about my own life, I see so many ways in which outwardly I can show God's Holiness and the magnitude of it. The respect He deserves and the honor He's due. There are so many things I could do as outward signs since people can't see the inward signs.
Maybe one day I'll graduate to that. To something that goes beyond the fruits of the Spirit, something beyond just loving God and others, maybe to something that might look like legalism but is actually just pure unadulterated love for my perfect Savior.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Alright already! I get it!
I went home last night and was reading the book of Ephesians. Let's just say this is not the book to turn to if you're wanting to feel self-righteous and indignant.
Ephesians 4:2627, 29-31
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
Neither give place to the devil.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
So.. alright. I get it.
I won't delete my angry post, because truly documenting "this walk" means documenting the things that shame me as well. I'm sorry you'll see it.
Ephesians 4:2627, 29-31
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
Neither give place to the devil.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
So.. alright. I get it.
I won't delete my angry post, because truly documenting "this walk" means documenting the things that shame me as well. I'm sorry you'll see it.
Monday, November 13, 2006
I'm angry
In case you skim over the titles of my post, let me repeat this for you - I'm Angry.
Friday afternoon I spent a couple of hours helping my parents move a shed that's in my yard 11.5 feet forward. It was required by a settlement agreement that we have this done by Monday. So, we moved it.
My mom is 58 yrs old. She had a heat stroke 2 months ago. She spends most of her days nauseous and trying to find the gentle balance between working around the house as much as she can and not over-doing which leaves her shaky and weak as jello and even more nauseous.
She stood next to me as we pushed and jacked and pulled this shed.
That's when I became angry.
Angry at a world where I can't protect those I love.
That started the ball rolling.
I minister to my neighbor and literally try to hide it from the Christians that have instructed me not to. I've been griped at, lectured, berated and that's only about the stuff people KNOW about.
I'm fed up with the Christian ideas of doing only as much as you can and still be "safe". I'm not going around deliberately trying to hurt myself but the people the bible says to be around are the ones you think I shouldn't be around.
At what point do you decide Jesus wouldn't pick up hitchhikers? At what point do you decide that the beggars and homeless in your city should not be approached, much less invited to your house. At what point?
At what point do we realize we've told God we'll only be faithful in certain rational and logical things.
My brother recently commented that he'd drop anything for me. He sent me a long e-mail saying that he supported me.
But when I called him, he didn't come.
I'm angry, but mostly because I can see so clearly the hundreds of times I've told God how much I love him, that I'd drop anything for Him, that I want to be used for His kingdom and make a difference.
But when He calls me, how many times do I say no? How many opportunities have I missed? How many hitchhikers have I passed up? How many people not spoken to? How many times have I thought I had a legitimate reason to tell God no?
The bible repeatedly talks about how He's not going to give you the big things unless you've proven yourself faithful in the small things. Yet, we seem to believe we'll be faithful in the big things - though we've failed in the small - because they're more important.
I've been praying a prayer from the last part of Psalms 139 lately, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." And unfortunately, ever since praying that prayer my thoughts seem to be running away with me.
I've apologized repeatedly to God for my anger. But it's probably not quite as sincere as I would like it to be because at some level deep down I'm wondering if my anger is really wrong. Have I sinned in my anger? So far I've been punished for my anger. But was it really sinful? Is all anger by nature sinful? Jesus got angry. So the answer would be no, it's not all sinful. Or maybe you'd just like to think any anger I direct towards you, or your belief system is sinful. Maybe anytime I'm angry and you don't think I should be, maybe that anger is sinful.
It's funny how we decide what is sinful or not depends on whether we agree, approve, or are not offended by "it". Far better if our criteria for sin was based on what God would agree and approve of.
The most frustrating part of this post is - did you see it yourself?? - how I just condemned myself.
"It's funny how whether I become angry or not depends on whether I agree, approve, or are/are not offended by whatever "it" is. Far better if MY criteria for anger was based on what God would agree and approve of."
Search me, oh God, and know my heart: Try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Friday afternoon I spent a couple of hours helping my parents move a shed that's in my yard 11.5 feet forward. It was required by a settlement agreement that we have this done by Monday. So, we moved it.
My mom is 58 yrs old. She had a heat stroke 2 months ago. She spends most of her days nauseous and trying to find the gentle balance between working around the house as much as she can and not over-doing which leaves her shaky and weak as jello and even more nauseous.
She stood next to me as we pushed and jacked and pulled this shed.
That's when I became angry.
Angry at a world where I can't protect those I love.
That started the ball rolling.
I minister to my neighbor and literally try to hide it from the Christians that have instructed me not to. I've been griped at, lectured, berated and that's only about the stuff people KNOW about.
I'm fed up with the Christian ideas of doing only as much as you can and still be "safe". I'm not going around deliberately trying to hurt myself but the people the bible says to be around are the ones you think I shouldn't be around.
At what point do you decide Jesus wouldn't pick up hitchhikers? At what point do you decide that the beggars and homeless in your city should not be approached, much less invited to your house. At what point?
At what point do we realize we've told God we'll only be faithful in certain rational and logical things.
My brother recently commented that he'd drop anything for me. He sent me a long e-mail saying that he supported me.
But when I called him, he didn't come.
I'm angry, but mostly because I can see so clearly the hundreds of times I've told God how much I love him, that I'd drop anything for Him, that I want to be used for His kingdom and make a difference.
But when He calls me, how many times do I say no? How many opportunities have I missed? How many hitchhikers have I passed up? How many people not spoken to? How many times have I thought I had a legitimate reason to tell God no?
The bible repeatedly talks about how He's not going to give you the big things unless you've proven yourself faithful in the small things. Yet, we seem to believe we'll be faithful in the big things - though we've failed in the small - because they're more important.
I've been praying a prayer from the last part of Psalms 139 lately, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." And unfortunately, ever since praying that prayer my thoughts seem to be running away with me.
I've apologized repeatedly to God for my anger. But it's probably not quite as sincere as I would like it to be because at some level deep down I'm wondering if my anger is really wrong. Have I sinned in my anger? So far I've been punished for my anger. But was it really sinful? Is all anger by nature sinful? Jesus got angry. So the answer would be no, it's not all sinful. Or maybe you'd just like to think any anger I direct towards you, or your belief system is sinful. Maybe anytime I'm angry and you don't think I should be, maybe that anger is sinful.
It's funny how we decide what is sinful or not depends on whether we agree, approve, or are not offended by "it". Far better if our criteria for sin was based on what God would agree and approve of.
The most frustrating part of this post is - did you see it yourself?? - how I just condemned myself.
"It's funny how whether I become angry or not depends on whether I agree, approve, or are/are not offended by whatever "it" is. Far better if MY criteria for anger was based on what God would agree and approve of."
Search me, oh God, and know my heart: Try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Update on the updates
I have a crib!
I spent Thursday searching every second hand store in this city, and even some in another city and found didly squat. I prayed "God please, you know I need a crib, you know where it is, please just help me find it."
Friday I went to garage sales. Nothing.
Today, today, I went to garage sales again. I drove up and saw the newest, whitest, cleanest crib I could have possibly asked for. It came WITH the newest, cleanest mattress I could have possibly asked for, and it also came WITH a bed skirt, fitted sheet and the strange padded liner thing that goes around the bottom of the sleeping area in the crib.
Crib - $50.00
Having God answer my prayer - Priceless
There isn't anything left for me to do. Everything possibly dangerous in my house is locked away. I have all the basics required for me to become a licensed foster parent.
Now I just have to wait on them.
Pop Pop Fizz Fizz Oh what a relief it is!
I spent Thursday searching every second hand store in this city, and even some in another city and found didly squat. I prayed "God please, you know I need a crib, you know where it is, please just help me find it."
Friday I went to garage sales. Nothing.
Today, today, I went to garage sales again. I drove up and saw the newest, whitest, cleanest crib I could have possibly asked for. It came WITH the newest, cleanest mattress I could have possibly asked for, and it also came WITH a bed skirt, fitted sheet and the strange padded liner thing that goes around the bottom of the sleeping area in the crib.
Crib - $50.00
Having God answer my prayer - Priceless
There isn't anything left for me to do. Everything possibly dangerous in my house is locked away. I have all the basics required for me to become a licensed foster parent.
Now I just have to wait on them.
Pop Pop Fizz Fizz Oh what a relief it is!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Piddlin Updates
This is just a documented update, feel free to look elsewhere, nothing I say here will interest you.
You're still reading aren't you. That's just crazy.
You know I'm not going to say anything interesting and yet you're still reading.
Well, now I guess you're just going to keep on reading to the end so I might as well give my update.
I'm THREE steps away from finally being a licensed foster parent. If I want to be licensed I have to SHOW that I have a crib in my house. I don't necessarily have to put it together, but it does have to be in my house.
The FBI need to finish confirming that I'm innocent I tell ya, I'm innocent.
THEN after the FBI finish with me my agency will schedule my homestudy. A grueling day long interview in which I've been promised that should I total up the number of questions I've been asked in my life, the number will not be so great as the number of questions I'll be asked at that homestudy.
After that, and someone attempts to stay awake long enough to read through a 25 page report on my life, I will be licensed.
And that's all. I told you it wasn't that interesting, I still don't know why you're reading.
You're still reading aren't you. That's just crazy.
You know I'm not going to say anything interesting and yet you're still reading.
Well, now I guess you're just going to keep on reading to the end so I might as well give my update.
I'm THREE steps away from finally being a licensed foster parent. If I want to be licensed I have to SHOW that I have a crib in my house. I don't necessarily have to put it together, but it does have to be in my house.
The FBI need to finish confirming that I'm innocent I tell ya, I'm innocent.
THEN after the FBI finish with me my agency will schedule my homestudy. A grueling day long interview in which I've been promised that should I total up the number of questions I've been asked in my life, the number will not be so great as the number of questions I'll be asked at that homestudy.
After that, and someone attempts to stay awake long enough to read through a 25 page report on my life, I will be licensed.
And that's all. I told you it wasn't that interesting, I still don't know why you're reading.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
The mission
I've been reading a book called "Just Like Jesus" by Max Lucado. I'd never read a book by him and never imagined doing so but the title of this book grabbed me and I started reading. Yesterday evening I picked it up and after just a few pages I found something to blog about.
"The heart of Christ was relentlessly focused on one task. The day he left the carpentry shop of Nazareth he had one ultimate aim - the cross of Calvary. He was so focused that his final words were, "It is finished" (john 19:30)
How could Jesus say he was finished? There were still the hungry to feed, the sick to heal, the untaught to instruct, and the unloved to love. How could he say he was finished? Simple. He had completed his designated task. His commission was fulfilled. The painter could set aside his brush, the sculptor lay down his chisel, the writer put away his pen. The job was done."
Reading that I wondered what I would be able to say at the end of my life. Would I be "finished" or halfway through with something thinking "I was so close". Or would it be that I would wander through my life and reach the end wondering if I had done anything worthwhile.
Then I realized that for the past 5 years I've been walking towards the mission God has given me. I've known I was suppose to do foster care for a long time. I didn't always have to do much, sometimes just wait for the timing to be right, and for awhile I specifically did CASA volunteer work so that I would gain more experience with these kids.
So get this, God - gave - me - a - mission.
Did you read that?
God gave me a mission.
I really wasn't expecting too much to come from me.
You see, I know me. I know how selfish I am. I see the hurtful thoughts I think, and I hear the foolish words I say. I've watched me turn my face from God and say "No, I won't do that, give that, or be that". And I remember all too well the thousands of times I've willfully chosen the temporary pleasures of sin over the simple task of pleasing my King. I see the unworthiness and filthiness in my life like no one else will ever see it.
Even so, God. Even so, God. Even so, God in His infinite, fathomless, incomparable love looked down from His throne. He looked down from His majestic throne into the sea of faces, and He found mine. He saw me, and He loved me, and He chose my purpose. Much like any CEO or Project Leader figuring out who would do best at what, God assigned me my task.
While I see the unworthiness of my life, God saw something of use. All I have to do is, well, my task.
I'm so glad He saw something in me. As He equips me to accomplish what He has set forth for me to accomplish, I pray He will give me eyes that will see those same divine purposes and plans in the lives of each child. May I always remember what an honor it is to be under my Kings commission.
"To love the Lord our God is the heartbeat of our mission, the spring from which our service overflows. Across the street or around the world, the missions still the same; proclaim and live the truth in Jesus name."
"The heart of Christ was relentlessly focused on one task. The day he left the carpentry shop of Nazareth he had one ultimate aim - the cross of Calvary. He was so focused that his final words were, "It is finished" (john 19:30)
How could Jesus say he was finished? There were still the hungry to feed, the sick to heal, the untaught to instruct, and the unloved to love. How could he say he was finished? Simple. He had completed his designated task. His commission was fulfilled. The painter could set aside his brush, the sculptor lay down his chisel, the writer put away his pen. The job was done."
Reading that I wondered what I would be able to say at the end of my life. Would I be "finished" or halfway through with something thinking "I was so close". Or would it be that I would wander through my life and reach the end wondering if I had done anything worthwhile.
Then I realized that for the past 5 years I've been walking towards the mission God has given me. I've known I was suppose to do foster care for a long time. I didn't always have to do much, sometimes just wait for the timing to be right, and for awhile I specifically did CASA volunteer work so that I would gain more experience with these kids.
So get this, God - gave - me - a - mission.
Did you read that?
God gave me a mission.
I really wasn't expecting too much to come from me.
You see, I know me. I know how selfish I am. I see the hurtful thoughts I think, and I hear the foolish words I say. I've watched me turn my face from God and say "No, I won't do that, give that, or be that". And I remember all too well the thousands of times I've willfully chosen the temporary pleasures of sin over the simple task of pleasing my King. I see the unworthiness and filthiness in my life like no one else will ever see it.
Even so, God. Even so, God. Even so, God in His infinite, fathomless, incomparable love looked down from His throne. He looked down from His majestic throne into the sea of faces, and He found mine. He saw me, and He loved me, and He chose my purpose. Much like any CEO or Project Leader figuring out who would do best at what, God assigned me my task.
While I see the unworthiness of my life, God saw something of use. All I have to do is, well, my task.
I'm so glad He saw something in me. As He equips me to accomplish what He has set forth for me to accomplish, I pray He will give me eyes that will see those same divine purposes and plans in the lives of each child. May I always remember what an honor it is to be under my Kings commission.
"To love the Lord our God is the heartbeat of our mission, the spring from which our service overflows. Across the street or around the world, the missions still the same; proclaim and live the truth in Jesus name."
Monday, November 06, 2006
For the Lord is with you
I've been focusing on the idea that God is with me lately.
You've seen the references in several posts and it showed up in my reading today. I'm reading 2 Chronicles seeing the leadership of king after king after king and this one particular kings words struck me.
The entire story is found in 2 Chronicles 20, and I'm not going to quote the whole story so here's the jist of what's happened.
King Jehoshaphat finds out he's about to be attacked and he's scared. The chapter relates a long prayer that finally ends in this statement; "For we have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.”
I don't know what to do but my eyes are on you.
The end of the story turns out that by the time Jehoshaphat's army climbs the top of this hill and looks out, all his people see are dead bodies. And then they spend the next three days going back and forth collecting all the spoil that was left. That's a pretty good ending if you ask me.
I've been plotting something for the last couple of days. I knew I wanted to do something, but didn't know what I could actually do, what I could get away with doing, and what I could do without burdening others with what I'm doing. I'm still stuck, but I've taken up Jehoshaphats prayer. I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You. And while I don't particularly want to find a load of dead bodies at the top of my hill, I would like to find a miracle.
"Now when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushes against the people of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir, who had come against Judah; and they were defeated. For the people of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of Mount Seir to utterly kill and destroy them. And when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, they helped to destroy one another.So when Judah came to a place overlooking the wilderness, they looked toward the multitude; and there were their dead bodies, fallen on the earth. No one had escaped. When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take away their spoil, they found among them an abundance of valuables on the dead bodies, and precious jewelry, which they stripped off for themselves, more than they could carry away; and they were three days gathering the spoil because there was so much"
You've seen the references in several posts and it showed up in my reading today. I'm reading 2 Chronicles seeing the leadership of king after king after king and this one particular kings words struck me.
The entire story is found in 2 Chronicles 20, and I'm not going to quote the whole story so here's the jist of what's happened.
King Jehoshaphat finds out he's about to be attacked and he's scared. The chapter relates a long prayer that finally ends in this statement; "For we have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.”
I don't know what to do but my eyes are on you.
The end of the story turns out that by the time Jehoshaphat's army climbs the top of this hill and looks out, all his people see are dead bodies. And then they spend the next three days going back and forth collecting all the spoil that was left. That's a pretty good ending if you ask me.
I've been plotting something for the last couple of days. I knew I wanted to do something, but didn't know what I could actually do, what I could get away with doing, and what I could do without burdening others with what I'm doing. I'm still stuck, but I've taken up Jehoshaphats prayer. I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You. And while I don't particularly want to find a load of dead bodies at the top of my hill, I would like to find a miracle.
"Now when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushes against the people of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir, who had come against Judah; and they were defeated. For the people of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of Mount Seir to utterly kill and destroy them. And when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, they helped to destroy one another.So when Judah came to a place overlooking the wilderness, they looked toward the multitude; and there were their dead bodies, fallen on the earth. No one had escaped. When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take away their spoil, they found among them an abundance of valuables on the dead bodies, and precious jewelry, which they stripped off for themselves, more than they could carry away; and they were three days gathering the spoil because there was so much"
Building God's house
This weekend I was reading in Haggai and came across something that intrigued me.
Haggai 1:2-11
2 “Thus speaks the LORD of hosts, saying: ‘This people says, “The time has not come, the time that the LORD’s house should be built.”
3 Then the word of the LORD came by Haggai the prophet, saying,
4 “Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, and this temple to lie in ruins?”
5 Now therefore, thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider your ways!
6 “ You have sown much, and bring in little;
You eat, but do not have enough;
You drink, but you are not filled with drink;
You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm;
And he who earns wages,
Earns wages to put into a bag with holes.”
7 Thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider your ways!
8 Go up to the mountains and bring wood and build the temple, that I may take pleasure in it and be glorified,” says the LORD.
9 “You looked for much, but indeed it came to little; and when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why?” says the LORD of hosts. “Because of My house that is in ruins, while every one of you runs to his own house.
10 Therefore the heavens above you withhold the dew, and the earth withholds its fruit.
11 For I called for a drought on the land and the mountains, on the grain and the new wine and the oil, on whatever the ground brings forth, on men and livestock, and on all the labor of your hands.”
I've worked very hard for the last few months to get my house in order. And while I don't particularly feel as though I've put my wages into a bag with holes, these verses still made me think.
My church isn't run down, I think it's beautiful. But I wonder, by putting more effort into my church could I be bringing more blessing onto my home?
Now that things have settled down and I've almost completed the process to become a foster parent I've found myself with time on my hands. While you might laugh at the idea of me being bored and tell me to enjoy it while it lasts, for me, it's still something to get beyond. That's how I ended up reading the book of Haggai and thinking.
What does God think when my home is clean and His is not? When I plant flowers in my yard and leave His unattended? When I fix minor problems around my house but leave His faucet dripping?
I know all too well the verses about those that hear the word and don't follow up with some "doing".
I'm not the same person today that I was last week. Something in my heart has changed, something in my desires has changed. Tv shows that use to interest me have me impatiently waiting for them to finish. And while you might think that fixing Gods house and something changing in me are two different topics, for me they are one and the same. As I see God's hand working in my life, changing, fixing, and teaching, the more I want to do in return.
Last night something changed in my hand. I got home from church and I considered my hand and this morning the weakness that has been the biggest problem this week is gone.
Last night I prayed in tongues for the first time.
It's time to give back.
Haggai 1:2-11
2 “Thus speaks the LORD of hosts, saying: ‘This people says, “The time has not come, the time that the LORD’s house should be built.”
3 Then the word of the LORD came by Haggai the prophet, saying,
4 “Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, and this temple to lie in ruins?”
5 Now therefore, thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider your ways!
6 “ You have sown much, and bring in little;
You eat, but do not have enough;
You drink, but you are not filled with drink;
You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm;
And he who earns wages,
Earns wages to put into a bag with holes.”
7 Thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider your ways!
8 Go up to the mountains and bring wood and build the temple, that I may take pleasure in it and be glorified,” says the LORD.
9 “You looked for much, but indeed it came to little; and when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why?” says the LORD of hosts. “Because of My house that is in ruins, while every one of you runs to his own house.
10 Therefore the heavens above you withhold the dew, and the earth withholds its fruit.
11 For I called for a drought on the land and the mountains, on the grain and the new wine and the oil, on whatever the ground brings forth, on men and livestock, and on all the labor of your hands.”
I've worked very hard for the last few months to get my house in order. And while I don't particularly feel as though I've put my wages into a bag with holes, these verses still made me think.
My church isn't run down, I think it's beautiful. But I wonder, by putting more effort into my church could I be bringing more blessing onto my home?
Now that things have settled down and I've almost completed the process to become a foster parent I've found myself with time on my hands. While you might laugh at the idea of me being bored and tell me to enjoy it while it lasts, for me, it's still something to get beyond. That's how I ended up reading the book of Haggai and thinking.
What does God think when my home is clean and His is not? When I plant flowers in my yard and leave His unattended? When I fix minor problems around my house but leave His faucet dripping?
I know all too well the verses about those that hear the word and don't follow up with some "doing".
I'm not the same person today that I was last week. Something in my heart has changed, something in my desires has changed. Tv shows that use to interest me have me impatiently waiting for them to finish. And while you might think that fixing Gods house and something changing in me are two different topics, for me they are one and the same. As I see God's hand working in my life, changing, fixing, and teaching, the more I want to do in return.
Last night something changed in my hand. I got home from church and I considered my hand and this morning the weakness that has been the biggest problem this week is gone.
Last night I prayed in tongues for the first time.
It's time to give back.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
I will fear no evil
Lisa and I and her boyfriend, Lee, went out to dinner after work. We had a really pleasant evening that unfortunately ended very badly. She's dealing with some really rough people that know some even rougher people and as we were leaving the restaurant we were physically threatened by several of them. Naturally we decided the best course of action was to get in our cars and leave PRONTO.
That worked for everyone but me. I got to my car, but the transmission was acting up and it wouldn't go. It would start and go a few feet but wouldn't go any further than that. So I did what anyone would do in that situation... I called my brother. :)
I tried my best to stress to him how serious the situation was, it was dark, the car wasn't starting, and the guys that had threatened us before were within 100 feet of my car watching me. But he told me he couldn't come because Brice (his best friend) was over and he and Glenda and Brice were in the middle of a game.
So I called my parents.
My mom answered the phone and I told her what was happening and asked her to please come get me and she just kept saying she'd had car trouble like that before and if I wait that it would start. She was certain she'd had this problem before and knew it would start if I'd just wait. Then, as I'm trying to convince her that waiting doesn't seem like an good option right now, thanks to modern cell phone technology my call is dropped.
Finally, feeling more than a little desperate and frightened I call a number from memory that I'm almost certain is the local police and I get some lady that wants to assist me with my call when my phone battery dies. I find a hundred different words for idiot as I think about how many times I've considered buying a car charger for my cell phone. It's just madness.
I finally decide there might be someplace, anyplace nearby that could be safer than sitting in my car so I get out of the car. There's a theatre close by and I head that direction.
At the theatre I discover they're playing a movie called "Black White Chicks" a movie whose plot is basically a bunch of black males dressing as white females. I turn and see 5-6 such guys that decided to dress in drag for the viewing of the movie heading my way. I decide that maybe this isn't the "safe place" I was looking for and move on, but not before that group accosted me. I don't even remember now what was said but they pushed me against the wall and tried to hurt me. I escaped the biggest guys grasp and ran, terrified across the street.
Then I woke up.
Before going to bed I'd read the book of Zephaniah. One of the verses that stood out at me was in Chapter 3, verses 1 & 2
1 "Woe to her who is rebellious and polluted, To the oppressing city!
2 She has not obeyed His voice,
She has not received correction;
She has not trusted in the Lord,
She has not drawn near to her God. "
Immediately after reading it I considered sinners not obeying, receiving correction, things like that. Then it became as clear as day to me the many many many many times I've failed to obey, that I didn't receive His correction humbly, that I didn't trust in the Lord, and that I didn't draw near to MY God.
My dream played out exactly as it would have in real life. The steps I took in the dream are steps I would have naturally taken in real life. While I don't fear strangers even if some situations seem dangerous, I do fear evil. Throughout the entire dream I felt the strongest sense of evil that was waiting to hurt me and I was scared.
Thinking on it later, I've realized how I generally equate the presence of evil with the absence of God; the presence of God with the absence of evil. But, as a famous musician/songwriter once wrote; "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for Thou art with me" Evil or no evil, GOD IS WITH ME.
There is a song that says "there are depths of love that I cannot know" and the farther I go the more I think on the idea of "depths" of spirituality. There are depths of love, depths of trust, depths of peace, depths of faith.
Oh to walk deeper into the depths!
But a wise man I know once made it clear, 'you can only go so deep before you have to swim, and you can't swim if you're holding onto stuff'. At least that was the jist of it.
Before I close this post, I want to share one more verse with you. It may be that no one reading this will understand how much it meant to me as I read it but suffice it to say God knows what you need. He often meets that need through His Word. The words that touched my heart came from a tiny book called Zephaniah. A book people don't generally read too much. Read God's Word.
Zephaniah 3:16 & 17
In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: "Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak. The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you in His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
That worked for everyone but me. I got to my car, but the transmission was acting up and it wouldn't go. It would start and go a few feet but wouldn't go any further than that. So I did what anyone would do in that situation... I called my brother. :)
I tried my best to stress to him how serious the situation was, it was dark, the car wasn't starting, and the guys that had threatened us before were within 100 feet of my car watching me. But he told me he couldn't come because Brice (his best friend) was over and he and Glenda and Brice were in the middle of a game.
So I called my parents.
My mom answered the phone and I told her what was happening and asked her to please come get me and she just kept saying she'd had car trouble like that before and if I wait that it would start. She was certain she'd had this problem before and knew it would start if I'd just wait. Then, as I'm trying to convince her that waiting doesn't seem like an good option right now, thanks to modern cell phone technology my call is dropped.
Finally, feeling more than a little desperate and frightened I call a number from memory that I'm almost certain is the local police and I get some lady that wants to assist me with my call when my phone battery dies. I find a hundred different words for idiot as I think about how many times I've considered buying a car charger for my cell phone. It's just madness.
I finally decide there might be someplace, anyplace nearby that could be safer than sitting in my car so I get out of the car. There's a theatre close by and I head that direction.
At the theatre I discover they're playing a movie called "Black White Chicks" a movie whose plot is basically a bunch of black males dressing as white females. I turn and see 5-6 such guys that decided to dress in drag for the viewing of the movie heading my way. I decide that maybe this isn't the "safe place" I was looking for and move on, but not before that group accosted me. I don't even remember now what was said but they pushed me against the wall and tried to hurt me. I escaped the biggest guys grasp and ran, terrified across the street.
Then I woke up.
Before going to bed I'd read the book of Zephaniah. One of the verses that stood out at me was in Chapter 3, verses 1 & 2
1 "Woe to her who is rebellious and polluted, To the oppressing city!
2 She has not obeyed His voice,
She has not received correction;
She has not trusted in the Lord,
She has not drawn near to her God. "
Immediately after reading it I considered sinners not obeying, receiving correction, things like that. Then it became as clear as day to me the many many many many times I've failed to obey, that I didn't receive His correction humbly, that I didn't trust in the Lord, and that I didn't draw near to MY God.
My dream played out exactly as it would have in real life. The steps I took in the dream are steps I would have naturally taken in real life. While I don't fear strangers even if some situations seem dangerous, I do fear evil. Throughout the entire dream I felt the strongest sense of evil that was waiting to hurt me and I was scared.
Thinking on it later, I've realized how I generally equate the presence of evil with the absence of God; the presence of God with the absence of evil. But, as a famous musician/songwriter once wrote; "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for Thou art with me" Evil or no evil, GOD IS WITH ME.
There is a song that says "there are depths of love that I cannot know" and the farther I go the more I think on the idea of "depths" of spirituality. There are depths of love, depths of trust, depths of peace, depths of faith.
Oh to walk deeper into the depths!
But a wise man I know once made it clear, 'you can only go so deep before you have to swim, and you can't swim if you're holding onto stuff'. At least that was the jist of it.
Before I close this post, I want to share one more verse with you. It may be that no one reading this will understand how much it meant to me as I read it but suffice it to say God knows what you need. He often meets that need through His Word. The words that touched my heart came from a tiny book called Zephaniah. A book people don't generally read too much. Read God's Word.
Zephaniah 3:16 & 17
In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: "Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak. The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you in His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
Friday, November 03, 2006
It's all about love
I've found myself the last two days praying for love.
In a book I was reading recently it talked of a man that was trying to constantly keep his mind on God and it talked about the change in his love for others. He said he looked at someone with love and felt that they wanted to go with him. Just to be near that love. He remarked that He could only imagine how people felt that looking into the perfect love shining out of Christs eyes.
The lady I work with is going through a very rough time and she's got an almost desperate need for someone to listen to her. I can only imagine the emotional pain of telling your story over and over again wishing someone could speak the love that would bring peace to the situation. I constantly struggle with love vs. justice so I know my justice seeking words aren't helping her love seeking heart.
There's a guy in our office temporarily. He's been here a week and is slated to be here one more week at minimum. I cannot even begin to fathom his life. He's tried to convince us to call him "Ghost" and as a general rule it's impossible to carry on a conversation with him. He literally walked past us the other day saying "catch up", either that or "ketchup" we still haven't figured out what he was doing. Needless to say we weren't chasing him, and he wasn't getting a condiment. In a rare moment, actually the only full conversation we've had so far, I talked to him about God.
People aren't what they seem.
He said he didn't attend church anymore because the pastor told jokes from the pulpit. He said "you can't be talking about The Man and cracking jokes". So he quit going. He became quite outspoken against "Christian Rap" and said christian music should be christian music, and rap can't be christian. He dreams of owning his own recording studio one day, where he hopes to make making records affordable for those just starting out.
Yet, after that conversation we went straight back to strange 3-4 word statements that don't make a lot of sense.
I spent the morning hauling a spanish speaking employee around while trying to find a drs office that would see him. Apparently if you don't speak any english you must have a translator or the dr won't see you. I finally found a spanish speaking dr that let us in without an appointment. I can only try to imagine the emotions that a person would feel if they didn't understand what was going on and why I'm hauling them all over town and leaving drs offices without him being treated. Fortunately the injury wasn't serious, but I still wonder how many others go through this every day.
Looking into the weathered hispanic face of this 57 yr old man I wondered at what all he had seen, done, and how he got to the States.
It would be amazing to have a love in your eyes that could literally change lives. Much less the words of love that could change the stubborn heart.
God help me show the love that You would show.
In a book I was reading recently it talked of a man that was trying to constantly keep his mind on God and it talked about the change in his love for others. He said he looked at someone with love and felt that they wanted to go with him. Just to be near that love. He remarked that He could only imagine how people felt that looking into the perfect love shining out of Christs eyes.
The lady I work with is going through a very rough time and she's got an almost desperate need for someone to listen to her. I can only imagine the emotional pain of telling your story over and over again wishing someone could speak the love that would bring peace to the situation. I constantly struggle with love vs. justice so I know my justice seeking words aren't helping her love seeking heart.
There's a guy in our office temporarily. He's been here a week and is slated to be here one more week at minimum. I cannot even begin to fathom his life. He's tried to convince us to call him "Ghost" and as a general rule it's impossible to carry on a conversation with him. He literally walked past us the other day saying "catch up", either that or "ketchup" we still haven't figured out what he was doing. Needless to say we weren't chasing him, and he wasn't getting a condiment. In a rare moment, actually the only full conversation we've had so far, I talked to him about God.
People aren't what they seem.
He said he didn't attend church anymore because the pastor told jokes from the pulpit. He said "you can't be talking about The Man and cracking jokes". So he quit going. He became quite outspoken against "Christian Rap" and said christian music should be christian music, and rap can't be christian. He dreams of owning his own recording studio one day, where he hopes to make making records affordable for those just starting out.
Yet, after that conversation we went straight back to strange 3-4 word statements that don't make a lot of sense.
I spent the morning hauling a spanish speaking employee around while trying to find a drs office that would see him. Apparently if you don't speak any english you must have a translator or the dr won't see you. I finally found a spanish speaking dr that let us in without an appointment. I can only try to imagine the emotions that a person would feel if they didn't understand what was going on and why I'm hauling them all over town and leaving drs offices without him being treated. Fortunately the injury wasn't serious, but I still wonder how many others go through this every day.
Looking into the weathered hispanic face of this 57 yr old man I wondered at what all he had seen, done, and how he got to the States.
It would be amazing to have a love in your eyes that could literally change lives. Much less the words of love that could change the stubborn heart.
God help me show the love that You would show.
A posted post
This post came from one of my favorite bloggers, gunner over at Raw Christianity posted this. I'd encourage anyone to make his blog a regular stop.
_______
Harder to live
About ten minutes ago I finished a long and thought-out post about rejoicing in the midst of trials instead of simply rejoicing in hindsight. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past few months. I felt that it was worth it to stay up later to write it, even though I knew I’d be more tired tomorrow. It probably took me an hour and a half to write, and I was relieved and satisfied when it was done. It’s always good to think hard about something and to labor to express it, and I hoped it might be an encouragement and challenge to those of you currently facing difficult trials (which is everyone). I finished the post with these words:
Everyone smiles at the rainbow. But can you smile in the rain?
Five seconds after I clicked “Publish,” my post disappeared. It was gone. I searched my blog to see if it might’ve been saved somewhere, and I prayed that the Lord would bring it back so that it might serve as an encouragement. But in His good pleasure, it’s gone for good. A similar thing actually happened with a post from last week, but the next morning I woke up and found that the Lord had preserved it somehow. All I had to do was re-post it. I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen this time, though, judging by the looks of things.
So now I’m about to shut off my laptop, turn off the lights in my study, brush my teeth, and climb into bed. And I’m asking myself the same question that I was going to ask you:
Everyone smiles at the rainbow. But can you smile in the rain?
It’s harder to live the truth than to speak it. Even though it was hard work to write the post, I enjoyed it. But it’s much more laborious trying to embrace the pain of losing an hour and a half of work that I was satisfied with and that I had believed would be a fruitful act of service.
It’s going to be hard to go to sleep knowing that I put a lot of time and thought and energy and passion into something that vanished as quickly as I had finished it. It’s also going to be hard to accept the fact that no one will be encouraged by what I had hoped would be an encouragement. But this is what the Lord has chosen.
So now, in the few minutes that I’ll have between slipping under the covers and falling asleep, I hope to meditate on Job, to calm my heart, and to rediscover the joy that honors God most when exercised in pain and disappointment. Everyone rejoices when life is good. But when you lose something you love and you still rejoice, you show that your treasure is something greater than what you lost. Even though what I ”lost” was laughably small, may God stir this joy and sense this treasure in my heart tonight.
Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God (Job 1:20-22).
_______
Harder to live
About ten minutes ago I finished a long and thought-out post about rejoicing in the midst of trials instead of simply rejoicing in hindsight. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past few months. I felt that it was worth it to stay up later to write it, even though I knew I’d be more tired tomorrow. It probably took me an hour and a half to write, and I was relieved and satisfied when it was done. It’s always good to think hard about something and to labor to express it, and I hoped it might be an encouragement and challenge to those of you currently facing difficult trials (which is everyone). I finished the post with these words:
Everyone smiles at the rainbow. But can you smile in the rain?
Five seconds after I clicked “Publish,” my post disappeared. It was gone. I searched my blog to see if it might’ve been saved somewhere, and I prayed that the Lord would bring it back so that it might serve as an encouragement. But in His good pleasure, it’s gone for good. A similar thing actually happened with a post from last week, but the next morning I woke up and found that the Lord had preserved it somehow. All I had to do was re-post it. I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen this time, though, judging by the looks of things.
So now I’m about to shut off my laptop, turn off the lights in my study, brush my teeth, and climb into bed. And I’m asking myself the same question that I was going to ask you:
Everyone smiles at the rainbow. But can you smile in the rain?
It’s harder to live the truth than to speak it. Even though it was hard work to write the post, I enjoyed it. But it’s much more laborious trying to embrace the pain of losing an hour and a half of work that I was satisfied with and that I had believed would be a fruitful act of service.
It’s going to be hard to go to sleep knowing that I put a lot of time and thought and energy and passion into something that vanished as quickly as I had finished it. It’s also going to be hard to accept the fact that no one will be encouraged by what I had hoped would be an encouragement. But this is what the Lord has chosen.
So now, in the few minutes that I’ll have between slipping under the covers and falling asleep, I hope to meditate on Job, to calm my heart, and to rediscover the joy that honors God most when exercised in pain and disappointment. Everyone rejoices when life is good. But when you lose something you love and you still rejoice, you show that your treasure is something greater than what you lost. Even though what I ”lost” was laughably small, may God stir this joy and sense this treasure in my heart tonight.
Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God (Job 1:20-22).
Thursday, November 02, 2006
A quick quote
God's love never ceases. Never. Though we spurn him. Ignore him. Reject him. Despise him. Disobey him. He will not change. Our evil cannot diminish his love. Our goodness cannot increase it. Our faith does not earn it any more than our stupidity jeopardizes it. God doesn't love us less if we fail or more if we succeed. God's love never ceases. -- Max Lucado
God is good
Awhile back my brother and his family were going through some hard times. His last blog entry at his blog talks about how the violent take things by force and how he wrestled with God and God answered.
I'm not like that. I need God. I need God. I need God. I don't need a hand, a foot, 5 senses, money, didly squat. I need God. Everything else is a blessing, it's wonderful and seems necessary but it's still extra. When it comes to myself I've found I only feel right asking His Will in my life. When it comes to others and them wanting healing or something I approach it with the idea that I'm asking something "extra" for the person. I'm asking God, in all His mercy, to look down and give a drop more mercy, that He would be glorified through it.
So for 5 days now I've looked at my hand and wished certain things, but never took it to God saying "fix it please". I've tried to adjust my mind and be ready accept whatever outcome comes my way.
During Sunday school this past Sunday the lesson on Jonah, the teacher kept saying that sometimes we've disobeyed God and refused to do what He wants and that's why bad things happen to us. Last night my pastor started off talking about how God chastises us because He loves us. Then he began his sermon from Psalms 5. It's a short chapter if you want to read it. The pastor seemed to focus on the first two verses, but unfortunately for me I always read ahead. By the end of the sermon the words from verses 4 & 5 were burned into my head For thou art not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness: neither shall evil dwell with thee. The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity.
I'd read those verses probably 30 times over and over, talking to God and trying my best to convince Him that if there was something I wasn't doing, I didn't have a clue what it was. He put foster care in my heart as clearly as spray painting it on my car. I knew what to do, when, and even the agency to use for my training. He's usually pretty clear for me. So if I'm being chastised because I'm not doing something, I don't know what on earth it is.
It was as I was completing this conversation with God again, I looked up from my bible and discovered my pastor staring at me. My heart sank, I'd made it this far, almost 3 full services without anyone praying for me. And then my pastor spoke and asked if they could pray for me.
If I'd had an ounce, just an ounce more courage I would have actually said no. I would rather everyone speculate and be disappointed in me than to have them disappointed in God because He said no. But I've been raised in church my whole life, I know protocol. When someone asks if they can pray for you, you just can't say no.
Everyone gathered around me and prayed.
I didn't hear a thing any of them said. The minute the murmur of prayers started I closed my eyes and I begged God in His mercy to not disappoint these precious people. I literally prayed He'd heal my arm and inflict me somewhere else just so these people could see their prayers answered and I'd still learn whatever it is He's trying to teach me. --feel free to comment that I'm insane --
This morning, I feel different. There have been a few moments where my hand almost felt normal for a moment, but that's not where I feel different. At 1am this morning I arrived at a place to pick up some newspapers and had to wait for them to arrive. I spent an hour and a half just sitting in my car. I was just quiet, which is rare if not next to impossible for my busy mind. It's the first time in my life I truly felt as though I'd had a conversation with God. He reminded me of things I hadn't thought of for awhile, and He pointed out some things in this situation that I hadn't put together. Every now and then my thoughts would fly away with me but then the quiet would return and after a bit the conversation would resume.
For all of the many crazy things I've been thinking of the last several days the one sure thing that has sunk into my head is that God is with me. I could have quoted you "I'll never leave you nor forsake you" a hundred times and thought I'd believed them. But since that first comfort He provided on Sunday I've felt His presence every moment since.
So let me tell you what I know.
God is good.
I'm not like that. I need God. I need God. I need God. I don't need a hand, a foot, 5 senses, money, didly squat. I need God. Everything else is a blessing, it's wonderful and seems necessary but it's still extra. When it comes to myself I've found I only feel right asking His Will in my life. When it comes to others and them wanting healing or something I approach it with the idea that I'm asking something "extra" for the person. I'm asking God, in all His mercy, to look down and give a drop more mercy, that He would be glorified through it.
So for 5 days now I've looked at my hand and wished certain things, but never took it to God saying "fix it please". I've tried to adjust my mind and be ready accept whatever outcome comes my way.
During Sunday school this past Sunday the lesson on Jonah, the teacher kept saying that sometimes we've disobeyed God and refused to do what He wants and that's why bad things happen to us. Last night my pastor started off talking about how God chastises us because He loves us. Then he began his sermon from Psalms 5. It's a short chapter if you want to read it. The pastor seemed to focus on the first two verses, but unfortunately for me I always read ahead. By the end of the sermon the words from verses 4 & 5 were burned into my head For thou art not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness: neither shall evil dwell with thee. The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity.
I'd read those verses probably 30 times over and over, talking to God and trying my best to convince Him that if there was something I wasn't doing, I didn't have a clue what it was. He put foster care in my heart as clearly as spray painting it on my car. I knew what to do, when, and even the agency to use for my training. He's usually pretty clear for me. So if I'm being chastised because I'm not doing something, I don't know what on earth it is.
It was as I was completing this conversation with God again, I looked up from my bible and discovered my pastor staring at me. My heart sank, I'd made it this far, almost 3 full services without anyone praying for me. And then my pastor spoke and asked if they could pray for me.
If I'd had an ounce, just an ounce more courage I would have actually said no. I would rather everyone speculate and be disappointed in me than to have them disappointed in God because He said no. But I've been raised in church my whole life, I know protocol. When someone asks if they can pray for you, you just can't say no.
Everyone gathered around me and prayed.
I didn't hear a thing any of them said. The minute the murmur of prayers started I closed my eyes and I begged God in His mercy to not disappoint these precious people. I literally prayed He'd heal my arm and inflict me somewhere else just so these people could see their prayers answered and I'd still learn whatever it is He's trying to teach me. --feel free to comment that I'm insane --
This morning, I feel different. There have been a few moments where my hand almost felt normal for a moment, but that's not where I feel different. At 1am this morning I arrived at a place to pick up some newspapers and had to wait for them to arrive. I spent an hour and a half just sitting in my car. I was just quiet, which is rare if not next to impossible for my busy mind. It's the first time in my life I truly felt as though I'd had a conversation with God. He reminded me of things I hadn't thought of for awhile, and He pointed out some things in this situation that I hadn't put together. Every now and then my thoughts would fly away with me but then the quiet would return and after a bit the conversation would resume.
For all of the many crazy things I've been thinking of the last several days the one sure thing that has sunk into my head is that God is with me. I could have quoted you "I'll never leave you nor forsake you" a hundred times and thought I'd believed them. But since that first comfort He provided on Sunday I've felt His presence every moment since.
So let me tell you what I know.
God is good.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Are you watching this?
I made the phone call to my mom telling her I wasn't to use my arm awhile. Among the many things she said is that I may be doing all this just so "someone" could see me go through this.
So I ask you.... Are you watching?
For those that are only watching me on this blog, let me tell you what you're missing sight-wise today.
Today and yesterday I practiced my left-handed penmanship. "A quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." So far my left hands writing ability is about the same range as a 7yr old.
I've scheduled my fire inspection for the foster care program, and somehow even successfully passed a class requiring me to perform the heimlich maneuver.
I've spent hours literally staring at my hand trying to will it to be better or at least different.
I played typer shark a typing game and discovered that my left hand types 34wpm with 97% accuracy. Yes, I'm boasting, feel free to boast about your own times in comments if you want. :)
I've researched as much as I can and found that stress can cause the incessant twitching to get worse so that may be why my general twitchiness has increased since I finally started thinking the was far beyond just being a little quirky. The bible promises perfect peace if my mind is stayed on God. My hand wasn't perfect, but I didn't lose my peace until I gave the problem more attention.
So, if you're watching this, this is me, trying to put my mind back on God.
So I ask you.... Are you watching?
For those that are only watching me on this blog, let me tell you what you're missing sight-wise today.
Today and yesterday I practiced my left-handed penmanship. "A quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." So far my left hands writing ability is about the same range as a 7yr old.
I've scheduled my fire inspection for the foster care program, and somehow even successfully passed a class requiring me to perform the heimlich maneuver.
I've spent hours literally staring at my hand trying to will it to be better or at least different.
I played typer shark a typing game and discovered that my left hand types 34wpm with 97% accuracy. Yes, I'm boasting, feel free to boast about your own times in comments if you want. :)
I've researched as much as I can and found that stress can cause the incessant twitching to get worse so that may be why my general twitchiness has increased since I finally started thinking the was far beyond just being a little quirky. The bible promises perfect peace if my mind is stayed on God. My hand wasn't perfect, but I didn't lose my peace until I gave the problem more attention.
So, if you're watching this, this is me, trying to put my mind back on God.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Sometimes He calms the storm
All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place
-penned by Tony Woods and Kevin Stokes
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place
-penned by Tony Woods and Kevin Stokes
What wouldn't I give?
We had a guest speaker last night at church.
Towards the end of the service he asked anyone that had a problem and knew God was going to fix it, to raise their hand. I could have raised my hand, but I didn't.
Some of the only things I know about God is that I don't understand Him, His decisions sometimes hurt, and my opinion on the matters doesn't mean didly-squat. For the most part, I'm ok with all that. I trust implicitly that He's working all - emphasis on all- things for my good. No one likes growing pains, but they are necessary.
I'm hesitant to blame the devil for certain problems, because I know God tests us, tries us, and refines us. I'm hesitant to inform God that I want Him to fix such-n-such, or that I know He will fix such-n-such, because there's always the possibility that He's just watching me to see how I'm going to react if He doesn't fix it the way I expected.
I might have failed or passed the test in one swift move yesterday.
My hand doesn't work right. The doctor said don't use it for ten days, if it's carpel tunnel then the hopefully swelling will have gone down and life will return to normal. I play the piano for my church, my church family. I called my pastor and told him I was out of commission. A call that I will never make again. The only other person that can play has become the song leader and so we just sang acapella. I have never felt more selfish and derelict in my life. I left the church that morning informing the pastor that I'd be back to playing that night. (note to my family that reads this blog...don't tell mom about me playing) :)
The main thing I've learned through all this is that music is my easy "in" with God. If I need peace, comfort, calm, patience, or hope - those all come when I sit down to play. Some of my best prayers, most loving prayers for people that I might generally have a hard time loving, comes through my playing.
I'm typing this with one hand, cleaning, working, reading, everything happens with one hand. And I don't even care, I can take these limitations in stride. But just the thoughts of my not playing has me...I can't even begin to describe the swell of emotions.
I asked last week in post "What would you give?" it's almost as if God turned right back around asking me what I wouldn't give.
James says "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into diverse temptations, knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience". I haven't made it even close to joyfulness. I haven't gotten past sadness yet.
BUT
For all my grief and fear I truly am grateful that He's still working on me.
Sunday morning in the middle of some of my strongest pain tears of grief and fear that I simply could not hold back rolling down my face. And let me tell you that's hard to explain to others during Sunday school lessons on easy topics like Jonah. Both my pastor and Sunday school teacher throughout the morning kept mentioning Gods hand and it was after about the third such mention that I felt a huge hand that reached from my shoulders almost to the top of my head. I quite literally leaned my head back against the support.
It's in me to demand health, healing, and my way. But it was in those simple moments with God's hand that I knew all I would truly plead for in this life is God. Everything else is a blessing.
Towards the end of the service he asked anyone that had a problem and knew God was going to fix it, to raise their hand. I could have raised my hand, but I didn't.
Some of the only things I know about God is that I don't understand Him, His decisions sometimes hurt, and my opinion on the matters doesn't mean didly-squat. For the most part, I'm ok with all that. I trust implicitly that He's working all - emphasis on all- things for my good. No one likes growing pains, but they are necessary.
I'm hesitant to blame the devil for certain problems, because I know God tests us, tries us, and refines us. I'm hesitant to inform God that I want Him to fix such-n-such, or that I know He will fix such-n-such, because there's always the possibility that He's just watching me to see how I'm going to react if He doesn't fix it the way I expected.
I might have failed or passed the test in one swift move yesterday.
My hand doesn't work right. The doctor said don't use it for ten days, if it's carpel tunnel then the hopefully swelling will have gone down and life will return to normal. I play the piano for my church, my church family. I called my pastor and told him I was out of commission. A call that I will never make again. The only other person that can play has become the song leader and so we just sang acapella. I have never felt more selfish and derelict in my life. I left the church that morning informing the pastor that I'd be back to playing that night. (note to my family that reads this blog...don't tell mom about me playing) :)
The main thing I've learned through all this is that music is my easy "in" with God. If I need peace, comfort, calm, patience, or hope - those all come when I sit down to play. Some of my best prayers, most loving prayers for people that I might generally have a hard time loving, comes through my playing.
I'm typing this with one hand, cleaning, working, reading, everything happens with one hand. And I don't even care, I can take these limitations in stride. But just the thoughts of my not playing has me...I can't even begin to describe the swell of emotions.
I asked last week in post "What would you give?" it's almost as if God turned right back around asking me what I wouldn't give.
James says "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into diverse temptations, knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience". I haven't made it even close to joyfulness. I haven't gotten past sadness yet.
BUT
For all my grief and fear I truly am grateful that He's still working on me.
Sunday morning in the middle of some of my strongest pain tears of grief and fear that I simply could not hold back rolling down my face. And let me tell you that's hard to explain to others during Sunday school lessons on easy topics like Jonah. Both my pastor and Sunday school teacher throughout the morning kept mentioning Gods hand and it was after about the third such mention that I felt a huge hand that reached from my shoulders almost to the top of my head. I quite literally leaned my head back against the support.
It's in me to demand health, healing, and my way. But it was in those simple moments with God's hand that I knew all I would truly plead for in this life is God. Everything else is a blessing.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
What would you give?
To save one soul from hell
Would you forsake your pride?
Would you forsake you parents?
Would you forsake your job?
Would you open your house to the homeless?
Would you give all your money, all your goods, to an organization?
Would you give up your free time?
Would you give up your favorite sport?
Would you give up one paycheck?
Would you a stranger one meal every day for a year?
Would you give up a friend?
Would you give up a child?
Would you give up your physical life?
Would you spend 2 hours a day praying for that person?
Would you allow that person to harm you?
Would you give up your cell phone?
Would you give up tv?
Would you give up your car?
Would you give up....anything that actually cost you something?
Would you forsake your pride?
Would you forsake you parents?
Would you forsake your job?
Would you open your house to the homeless?
Would you give all your money, all your goods, to an organization?
Would you give up your free time?
Would you give up your favorite sport?
Would you give up one paycheck?
Would you a stranger one meal every day for a year?
Would you give up a friend?
Would you give up a child?
Would you give up your physical life?
Would you spend 2 hours a day praying for that person?
Would you allow that person to harm you?
Would you give up your cell phone?
Would you give up tv?
Would you give up your car?
Would you give up....anything that actually cost you something?
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