It feels slightly unreal.
No, strike that, it doesn't feel real at all.
It feels like nothing has happened.
Today was my last day of work.
Technically I am now under employed.
I have a job working 2 days a week throwing newspapers. A job that the girls will be able to ride around in the car while we do this. It pays 2/3rds of what we need to survive. I haven't figured out the other 1/3rd yet. I'm hoping someone will finally answer my craigslist ad accepting my offer of childcare.
On Monday morning, I will not wake up and hustle us out the door by 7am.
That part hasn't sunk in yet. I'll be home, healthy, the kids healthy, and yet we won't be at work/daycare.
I had expected today to feel ... like something. But instead, it went like normal. Lots of work, a last minute hire, and wiping down my desk.
Nothing major happened. Until the last hour.
In the last hour an employee that had recently been terminated from his position came in to pick up his final check. He was in a hurry to catch the bus, but he wanted to schedule a time to talk to me. I had to tell him that was my last day so if he didn't talk to me now... So he glanced anxiously at his watch and then said "Let's talk now".
He came to my desk and explained what had happened the day he was terminated and then he told me the rest of his story. He's ready to give up. His wife has cancer in her lymph nodes. She's 31, has already had a least one surgery in Jan and they've already found it's returned and will be doing another surgery. He's about to be evicted from his home, he's behind on his bills. He's ready to give up. He even admitted he'd taken pills... to no avail.
For the last 30 minutes of my day, I was able to tell someone point blank "You need Jesus."
Not just witness... but point blank. No beating around the bush. No suggesting that church might be a good thing. Not politely saying I'd pray. I was able to actually say "You do need help. You need help. The only thing that will help is Jesus. You need Jesus. Your wife needs you to have Jesus. Your kids need you to have Jesus. You need Jesus."
And I just happened to have my Bible still at my desk, and I gave it to him. I'm praying he actually reads it. And doesn't just ... well.. treat it like most church-goers do.
And you know what I realized? Witnessing to sinners is downright wonderful. It's so... beyond amazing. I'm so used to talking to church-goers that are sure they are ok, and offended if you suggest otherwise. Talking to someone who knows actually knows they aren't ok - that's such an incredible feeling.
I need to find me some sinners.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
A life that actually happens.
I posted something on my Facebook, and I wanted to convey in my "share" that this wasn't just a story, but an actual human being that had existed. But when I read my words later I realized how much they meant to me.
"This life actually happened."
I know a lot of people that have lives that aren't happening.
They have dreams they aren't following, plans they aren't making, goals they aren't fulfilling and, most of all, talents they aren't using. Their life, as God intended it - just isn't happening.
Her name was Irena Sendler.
She saw something bad happening.
She felt she had to do something.
And then she did something rare:
She actually did something. (click link to see full story)
...But in 1942, the Nazis herded hundreds of thousands of Jews into a 16-block area that came to be known as the Warsaw Ghetto. The Ghetto was sealed and the Jewish families ended up behind its walls, only to await certain death. Irena Sendler was so appalled by the conditions that she joined Zegota, the Council for Aid to Jews, organized by the Polish underground resistance movement, as one of its first recruits and directed the efforts to rescue Jewish children.
To be able to enter the Ghetto legally, Irena managed to be issued a pass from Warsaws Epidemic Control Department and she visited the Ghetto daily, reestablished contacts and brought food, medicines and clothing. But 5,000 people were dying a month from starvation and disease in the Ghetto, and she decided to help the Jewish children to get out. For Irena Sendler, a young mother herself, persuading parents to part with their children was in itself a horrendous task. Finding families willing to shelter the children, and thereby willing to risk their life if the Nazis ever found out, was also not easy.
Irena Sendler, who wore a star armband as a sign of her solidarity to Jews, began smuggling children out in an ambulance. She recruited at least one person from each of the ten centers of the Social Welfare Department. With their help, she issued hundreds of false documents with forged signatures. Irena Sendler successfully smuggled almost 2,500 Jewish children to safety and gave them temporary new identities.
Some children were taken out in gunnysacks or body bags. Some were buried inside loads of goods. A mechanic took a baby out in his toolbox. Some kids were carried out in potato sacks, others were placed in coffins, some entered a church in the Ghetto which had two entrances. One entrance opened into the Ghetto, the other opened into the Aryan side of Warsaw. They entered the church as Jews and exited as Christians. "`Can you guarantee they will live?'" Irena later recalled the distraught parents asking. But she could only guarantee they would die if they stayed. "In my dreams," she said, "I still hear the cries when they left their parents."
The Snopes article was pretty fantastic too.
There is also a book on her work: Life in a Jar: The Irena Sendler Project by Jack Mayer
I'm not saying we ought to do something terrifying and dangerous and in rebellion to the government. I'm saying that if you have something you're supposed to be doing - stop being afraid and go do it.
Be willing to risk failure, foolishness, laughter, mocking, and being wrong.
In a letter, read on her behalf during a ceremony celebrating her efforts, Irena wrote: Every child saved with my help is the justification of my existence on this Earth, and not a title to glory.
"Justification of my existence on this Earth."
We tend to be under the impression that we're here to live our desires out. Make money, get married, be superficially happy, buy a cheeseburger, go see a movie. Then die.
That's what happens when you take God out of the equation.
Instead, if we put God back into the equation we can realize this:
You have a purpose.
There is a reason YOU are here.
YOU. The person you are with the gifts, and talents, and tendencies towards science, or medicine, or computers, or baking, or cleaning.
The Creator of all things knew that YOU were a piece of the puzzle that He wanted put together for a beautiful picture of His creation that brings HIM so much glory.
He knew that YOU would find fulfillment in following Him and chasing the fullness of His built-in dreams.
It's easy to esteem things; to think of them so highly and celebrate their worth. But, far better would be to live those things. Live. Go to God and live.
Why do I say "Go to God and live?"
Becuase you won't find that 'goal fulfillment' in following your goals your way. When you go to God He moves you in places you wouldn't expect, He delays you when you think you should go, He adds details you don't think fit, and He speeds things up that you think should take a long time.
In other words - He doesn't do it your way. He does it better.
I had plans for my life, I loved kids so I was going to foster. I was going to foster and foster and foster until I was one of those ladies that had fostered 117 kids and had a thousand and one stories.
And God moved me to San Antonio.
And God handed me Precious.
And God moved me to Colorado.
And God handed me New Kid.
And God.... I don't know what's next for us, but I know that if I keep listening and waiting - that my world will simply continue to be something that amazes me.
If I'd done it my way????? I get stressed just trying to imagine it.
Go to God.
Live your life His way.
Be amazed.
"This life actually happened."
I know a lot of people that have lives that aren't happening.
They have dreams they aren't following, plans they aren't making, goals they aren't fulfilling and, most of all, talents they aren't using. Their life, as God intended it - just isn't happening.
Her name was Irena Sendler.
She saw something bad happening.
She felt she had to do something.
And then she did something rare:
She actually did something. (click link to see full story)
...But in 1942, the Nazis herded hundreds of thousands of Jews into a 16-block area that came to be known as the Warsaw Ghetto. The Ghetto was sealed and the Jewish families ended up behind its walls, only to await certain death. Irena Sendler was so appalled by the conditions that she joined Zegota, the Council for Aid to Jews, organized by the Polish underground resistance movement, as one of its first recruits and directed the efforts to rescue Jewish children.
To be able to enter the Ghetto legally, Irena managed to be issued a pass from Warsaws Epidemic Control Department and she visited the Ghetto daily, reestablished contacts and brought food, medicines and clothing. But 5,000 people were dying a month from starvation and disease in the Ghetto, and she decided to help the Jewish children to get out. For Irena Sendler, a young mother herself, persuading parents to part with their children was in itself a horrendous task. Finding families willing to shelter the children, and thereby willing to risk their life if the Nazis ever found out, was also not easy.
Irena Sendler, who wore a star armband as a sign of her solidarity to Jews, began smuggling children out in an ambulance. She recruited at least one person from each of the ten centers of the Social Welfare Department. With their help, she issued hundreds of false documents with forged signatures. Irena Sendler successfully smuggled almost 2,500 Jewish children to safety and gave them temporary new identities.
Some children were taken out in gunnysacks or body bags. Some were buried inside loads of goods. A mechanic took a baby out in his toolbox. Some kids were carried out in potato sacks, others were placed in coffins, some entered a church in the Ghetto which had two entrances. One entrance opened into the Ghetto, the other opened into the Aryan side of Warsaw. They entered the church as Jews and exited as Christians. "`Can you guarantee they will live?'" Irena later recalled the distraught parents asking. But she could only guarantee they would die if they stayed. "In my dreams," she said, "I still hear the cries when they left their parents."
The Snopes article was pretty fantastic too.
There is also a book on her work: Life in a Jar: The Irena Sendler Project by Jack Mayer
I'm not saying we ought to do something terrifying and dangerous and in rebellion to the government. I'm saying that if you have something you're supposed to be doing - stop being afraid and go do it.
Be willing to risk failure, foolishness, laughter, mocking, and being wrong.
In a letter, read on her behalf during a ceremony celebrating her efforts, Irena wrote: Every child saved with my help is the justification of my existence on this Earth, and not a title to glory.
"Justification of my existence on this Earth."
We tend to be under the impression that we're here to live our desires out. Make money, get married, be superficially happy, buy a cheeseburger, go see a movie. Then die.
That's what happens when you take God out of the equation.
Instead, if we put God back into the equation we can realize this:
You have a purpose.
There is a reason YOU are here.
YOU. The person you are with the gifts, and talents, and tendencies towards science, or medicine, or computers, or baking, or cleaning.
The Creator of all things knew that YOU were a piece of the puzzle that He wanted put together for a beautiful picture of His creation that brings HIM so much glory.
He knew that YOU would find fulfillment in following Him and chasing the fullness of His built-in dreams.
It's easy to esteem things; to think of them so highly and celebrate their worth. But, far better would be to live those things. Live. Go to God and live.
Why do I say "Go to God and live?"
Becuase you won't find that 'goal fulfillment' in following your goals your way. When you go to God He moves you in places you wouldn't expect, He delays you when you think you should go, He adds details you don't think fit, and He speeds things up that you think should take a long time.
In other words - He doesn't do it your way. He does it better.
I had plans for my life, I loved kids so I was going to foster. I was going to foster and foster and foster until I was one of those ladies that had fostered 117 kids and had a thousand and one stories.
And God moved me to San Antonio.
And God handed me Precious.
And God moved me to Colorado.
And God handed me New Kid.
And God.... I don't know what's next for us, but I know that if I keep listening and waiting - that my world will simply continue to be something that amazes me.
If I'd done it my way????? I get stressed just trying to imagine it.
Go to God.
Live your life His way.
Be amazed.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
What's your dream job?
The other day at work, I asked my co-worker what his dream job is. His out of the blue response? I would like to live in Washington (state) and take people out for tours on my fishing boat.
It stopped me in my tracks for a moment because for the life of me, he didn't strike me as the "Skipper" kinda guy. But the more I think about it, the more I can absolutely picture it. White shorts, sunglasses, uber blond, and a warm gray day with him climbing into his boat. I can absolutely see it.
So I asked him: "What's stopping you?
He has savings, already has a boat, debt free, and single.
Fear of failure.
That was it. Openly admitted it.
"I could crash and burn and lose all my money"
I reminded him, that he could also be happy. He wholeheartedly agreed to that.
But still is scared to chase his dream job.
Seeing as I just turned in my 2 weeks notice to the professional world and am praying God will provide while I attempt to raise my daughters full time..... I'm becoming a bit of an experiment for him. Right now, all he sees is that I've quit my job, and am a little crazy with happy right now.
Sitting in your cube, your desk, your construction site, your school is important. But what's more important is to be where you were created to be. God designed us with a purpose in mind and once you find yours it's time to go do it. That's where you'll find happiness and peace - even if you don't find fame and fortune.
But as I wandered over to Amazon to order him a captains hat so I can give it to him as a goodbye present on my last day - I started to wonder about others:
What job do you have, and what is your dream job?
It stopped me in my tracks for a moment because for the life of me, he didn't strike me as the "Skipper" kinda guy. But the more I think about it, the more I can absolutely picture it. White shorts, sunglasses, uber blond, and a warm gray day with him climbing into his boat. I can absolutely see it.
So I asked him: "What's stopping you?
He has savings, already has a boat, debt free, and single.
Fear of failure.
That was it. Openly admitted it.
"I could crash and burn and lose all my money"
I reminded him, that he could also be happy. He wholeheartedly agreed to that.
But still is scared to chase his dream job.
Seeing as I just turned in my 2 weeks notice to the professional world and am praying God will provide while I attempt to raise my daughters full time..... I'm becoming a bit of an experiment for him. Right now, all he sees is that I've quit my job, and am a little crazy with happy right now.
Sitting in your cube, your desk, your construction site, your school is important. But what's more important is to be where you were created to be. God designed us with a purpose in mind and once you find yours it's time to go do it. That's where you'll find happiness and peace - even if you don't find fame and fortune.
But as I wandered over to Amazon to order him a captains hat so I can give it to him as a goodbye present on my last day - I started to wonder about others:
What job do you have, and what is your dream job?
The Tuesday after quitting
I've been busy. I've advertised a ton for childcare, baking cakes, and a laundry service. I wouldn't have thought of the laundry service except the lady who sold me my car had used it for her laundry service. So I just added it to the list of "What can I do?"
So tonight, I'm finishing up two cakes - I quickly got an order for a chocolate cake and a pineapple upside down cake. No one else has contacted me though so I'm not sure how ultimately profitable/busy this will be. Unless my customer really raves about it.
This morning I met with Zak. He handles the newspaper delivery for this district. I now have a two day route that goes out early mornings and I can take the kids with me. I'm praying that Human Services doesn't balk at this. It's going to cover a major chunk of my monthly $$ goal. I start on Easter Sunday. Sundays and Wednesdays.
This afternoon I got a call from a grandmother calling for her daughter. They're switching daycares and are interested in talking to me. She's the first one that I've talked to that I really thought would be a good fit. I'm praying.
I love my daughters. One of the things that was running through my mind recently was the sermon of the talents. Right now, I feel that if Christ returned and looked at the two gifts He's handed me that He'd see the original two talents. And I'm hoping that these changes will multiply to my daughters so that I will be found a good steward bringing back to him 5 and 10 talents where He gives me 1. He gives the increase, but this is a field I pray I'm given a chance to labor in.
I don't have a clue what I'm doing.
But I feel really joyful.
And that pineapple upside down cake smells really good.
So tonight, I'm finishing up two cakes - I quickly got an order for a chocolate cake and a pineapple upside down cake. No one else has contacted me though so I'm not sure how ultimately profitable/busy this will be. Unless my customer really raves about it.
This morning I met with Zak. He handles the newspaper delivery for this district. I now have a two day route that goes out early mornings and I can take the kids with me. I'm praying that Human Services doesn't balk at this. It's going to cover a major chunk of my monthly $$ goal. I start on Easter Sunday. Sundays and Wednesdays.
This afternoon I got a call from a grandmother calling for her daughter. They're switching daycares and are interested in talking to me. She's the first one that I've talked to that I really thought would be a good fit. I'm praying.
I love my daughters. One of the things that was running through my mind recently was the sermon of the talents. Right now, I feel that if Christ returned and looked at the two gifts He's handed me that He'd see the original two talents. And I'm hoping that these changes will multiply to my daughters so that I will be found a good steward bringing back to him 5 and 10 talents where He gives me 1. He gives the increase, but this is a field I pray I'm given a chance to labor in.
I don't have a clue what I'm doing.
But I feel really joyful.
And that pineapple upside down cake smells really good.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Saving money and making changes
Day 2 of "I can't believe I quit my job".
This isn't going to turn into a mommy blog I assure you. It's a Jesus blog. This blog is titled "This Walk" for a reason. This just happens to be what I'm doing to try my best to be obedient to what I believe God is asking of me. I truly, truly believe God has asked me to raise my girls primarily. That the raising of the girls has to come first. Currently we leave the house at 7:15am, I drop them at daycare at 7:45am, pick them up at 5:15 and we get home at 6pm. Such is the life for many kids and moms, but the last month I've felt a strong urging that God wants something different for me and the girls.
So... while I'm not a mommy blogger, I do have mommy specific questions. If you know of any cloth diapers that you've had that worked just wonderfully I'd appreciate your suggestions.
Have you ever used cloth diapers? If so, what kind?
How many did you purchase to have on hand?
Seriously... how hard and nasty was it?
Did you ever have an explosion?
Thanks!
- I spent tonight doing more math and being a little less frugal in my estimates so I wouldn't find myself surprised at the end of the month that I should have budgeted a bit more for the electric bill.
- I checked out a 2 day a week paper delivery job that, after gas, would almost cover half of my monthly money needs. I was only able to leave a message.
- I had a couple of emails about the "services offered" for childcare but nothing that will turn into anything I think. If I were available next week I could have had a kiddo for one week... but I am working out my 2 weeks of notice. If I bomb and this whole thing wasn't a God-thing and just a Jeanette-was-sooooo-stupid-thing, I want to leave my job with bridges that have flowers, shade, and fresh pavement. . . in other words as far in the direction of not burned as I can get.
- I also looked at one thing that truly makes me shudder. I've cut so many costs there's not much left to cut but one large expense I have each month is diapers. So, *gulp* I'm looking into cloth.
This isn't going to turn into a mommy blog I assure you. It's a Jesus blog. This blog is titled "This Walk" for a reason. This just happens to be what I'm doing to try my best to be obedient to what I believe God is asking of me. I truly, truly believe God has asked me to raise my girls primarily. That the raising of the girls has to come first. Currently we leave the house at 7:15am, I drop them at daycare at 7:45am, pick them up at 5:15 and we get home at 6pm. Such is the life for many kids and moms, but the last month I've felt a strong urging that God wants something different for me and the girls.
So... while I'm not a mommy blogger, I do have mommy specific questions. If you know of any cloth diapers that you've had that worked just wonderfully I'd appreciate your suggestions.
Have you ever used cloth diapers? If so, what kind?
How many did you purchase to have on hand?
Seriously... how hard and nasty was it?
Did you ever have an explosion?
Thanks!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
I quit my job today... what did you do?
Seriously... yeah. I quit my job.
To update you on my life right now, I am a single female, mom to 2 yr old Precious and future mom to 8 month old New Kid (she is with me as a kinship placement and I hope to have her adopted at the end of this year or early next).
The State is pretty strict about the fact that I can't become homeless or destitute before they let me adopt kids.
Didn't stop me though... I quit my job today.
And better still? I don't plan on getting another one.
I'm going to sit at home, advertise that I'm happy to watch kids in my home, and be a stay at home mom.
That's the plan until I go broke, or God sends me kids to watch.
I feel confident that I am supposed to do this. For some reason though, I'm absolutely shaking in my boots that it won't work out. I should have more faith than that by now right?
*** Deep breath ***
That done, I'm going to at least chronicle this craziness on my blog. I will open the blog to the public once again and maybe I'll become a famous "I can't believe she survived that" blogger. Or.. perhaps a "Whoa, did you read the blog about that lady that totally bombed!!!" blogger.
So to any readers that may have done anything similar - I'd love to hear your stories. Did you find a way to work from home? Did you quit your job to chase self-employment? Feel free to comment!
To update you on my life right now, I am a single female, mom to 2 yr old Precious and future mom to 8 month old New Kid (she is with me as a kinship placement and I hope to have her adopted at the end of this year or early next).
The State is pretty strict about the fact that I can't become homeless or destitute before they let me adopt kids.
Didn't stop me though... I quit my job today.
And better still? I don't plan on getting another one.
I'm going to sit at home, advertise that I'm happy to watch kids in my home, and be a stay at home mom.
That's the plan until I go broke, or God sends me kids to watch.
I feel confident that I am supposed to do this. For some reason though, I'm absolutely shaking in my boots that it won't work out. I should have more faith than that by now right?
*** Deep breath ***
That done, I'm going to at least chronicle this craziness on my blog. I will open the blog to the public once again and maybe I'll become a famous "I can't believe she survived that" blogger. Or.. perhaps a "Whoa, did you read the blog about that lady that totally bombed!!!" blogger.
So to any readers that may have done anything similar - I'd love to hear your stories. Did you find a way to work from home? Did you quit your job to chase self-employment? Feel free to comment!
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
A lot of like
Last night as I was going through our nighttime routine with Precious, I was thinking about something someone had told me recently. We were discussing how difficult international adoptions could be, how some countries had banned single parents, closed doors altogether to the USA, or just had unusual requirements.
One such family that he mentioned told of a couple that was applying to adopt and the couple was told that the father would have to lose 30 lbs before they would consider him a valid prospect to adopt their children.
I was amazed that he was able to do it. Losing weight is hard.
And quite frankly, taking a bullet for your kid in a split second decision, is a thousand times easier than living every single day, giving up cookies and sodas and extra portions.
Parents say they love their kids, they'd do anything for them, but if they were told they had to lose 30 lbs do you think they actually could?
That's why I think there is what we call "love" and what God defines as love in 1 Corinthians 13.
That love can lose 30 lbs. That love can live its life selflessly for others. That is love.
What we have is a lot of like.
I know what the "right" answers are supposed to be - but I believe in answering questions honestly. Stopping and really thinking about it. I tend to answer sometimes even more harshly on myself than I have to. But tonight my question is:
Do I love God or do I just really like Him?
One such family that he mentioned told of a couple that was applying to adopt and the couple was told that the father would have to lose 30 lbs before they would consider him a valid prospect to adopt their children.
I was amazed that he was able to do it. Losing weight is hard.
And quite frankly, taking a bullet for your kid in a split second decision, is a thousand times easier than living every single day, giving up cookies and sodas and extra portions.
Parents say they love their kids, they'd do anything for them, but if they were told they had to lose 30 lbs do you think they actually could?
That's why I think there is what we call "love" and what God defines as love in 1 Corinthians 13.
That love can lose 30 lbs. That love can live its life selflessly for others. That is love.
What we have is a lot of like.
I know what the "right" answers are supposed to be - but I believe in answering questions honestly. Stopping and really thinking about it. I tend to answer sometimes even more harshly on myself than I have to. But tonight my question is:
Do I love God or do I just really like Him?
Saturday, February 02, 2013
Except for the grace of God: I am her.
Today I Skyped with New Kid. She's sitting in her high chair, sitting straight up flexing her new muscles, and as I watched her grin and smile and bang her fork on her tray her foster mother told me something that rocked my little world.
"The caseworker says the bio mom is in jail right now - and she's said she's 4 months pregnant."
Am I going to have 3 children? 4 children? When will this woman stop having children?
She's addicted to drugs, trying to fill some ache inside her and calm a need that drugs can't fix.
She's addicted to having babies (6 kids born and possibly 1 more on the way), trying to fill some ache inside her to calm a need that babies can't fix.
Only God can help.
Only God.
Amongst the deep pain for her search, I realized today that too often we only notice the people who are obviously self exploding.We miss the ones that implode, silently, massively. This bio mom may not be hurting more than your kids 2nd grade teacher, more than my daycare workers, more than you. She just handles it differently.
When you hit those moments, do you turn to God? Or do you grab a tin of ice cream, spend big bucks on something unnecessary, quit your job? What do you do?
"The caseworker says the bio mom is in jail right now - and she's said she's 4 months pregnant."
Am I going to have 3 children? 4 children? When will this woman stop having children?
She's addicted to drugs, trying to fill some ache inside her and calm a need that drugs can't fix.
She's addicted to having babies (6 kids born and possibly 1 more on the way), trying to fill some ache inside her to calm a need that babies can't fix.
Only God can help.
Only God.
Amongst the deep pain for her search, I realized today that too often we only notice the people who are obviously self exploding.We miss the ones that implode, silently, massively. This bio mom may not be hurting more than your kids 2nd grade teacher, more than my daycare workers, more than you. She just handles it differently.
When you hit those moments, do you turn to God? Or do you grab a tin of ice cream, spend big bucks on something unnecessary, quit your job? What do you do?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
I don't have enough???
Each morning, I do the same thing. I peek into my daughters room and grin at her. Sometimes she immediately sees me, sometimes I get a few moments of watching her play in her bed. But eventually, always, her head turns my way and I get the grin that makes every morning just... awesome. She grins and the as quickly as she possibly can she stands up to the edge of her crib and starts bouncing up and down, often shrieking with her early morning happiness.
Then, before I get her out of bed, I dig in her drawers for her outfit for the day.
And sometimes, I just can't find anything.
Yet, this week, as I went through her drawers organizing things for New Kids arrival, I realized just how much she has. More than enough. A little too much maybe, but certainly more than enough.
It's easy to let our lives become jumbled. Cluttered, and messy, and too busy. When it gets like that, all we can see is "Not enough". But when we stop, we just slow down and take stock of what we have - it suddenly seems like more than enough.
I'm overweight, so I've read a lot of information about food and health and such. And one of the main things I've seen about eating is that we need to focus on our food when we eat. When we eat in front of a tv, or while distracting ourselves with something else, we tend to eat more because we don't realize how much we're taking in. We don't realize we're full.
I think it would be a very simple thing for me to take from my daughter, while I distractedly cook, clean, internet, and more - while she lavishes inconvenient hugs or sticky hands on clean clothes, and brilliant smiles that I can't ever imagine as being less than awesome - yet I don't always look up to enjoy each one.
And I don't want to get to the end of the day, having taken - yet taken for granted with obliviousness instead of with appreciation and joy. It's easy to think you have little. When in reality... I've got more than enough. A little too much maybe, but certainly more than enough.
Then, before I get her out of bed, I dig in her drawers for her outfit for the day.
And sometimes, I just can't find anything.
Yet, this week, as I went through her drawers organizing things for New Kids arrival, I realized just how much she has. More than enough. A little too much maybe, but certainly more than enough.
It's easy to let our lives become jumbled. Cluttered, and messy, and too busy. When it gets like that, all we can see is "Not enough". But when we stop, we just slow down and take stock of what we have - it suddenly seems like more than enough.
I'm overweight, so I've read a lot of information about food and health and such. And one of the main things I've seen about eating is that we need to focus on our food when we eat. When we eat in front of a tv, or while distracting ourselves with something else, we tend to eat more because we don't realize how much we're taking in. We don't realize we're full.
I think it would be a very simple thing for me to take from my daughter, while I distractedly cook, clean, internet, and more - while she lavishes inconvenient hugs or sticky hands on clean clothes, and brilliant smiles that I can't ever imagine as being less than awesome - yet I don't always look up to enjoy each one.
And I don't want to get to the end of the day, having taken - yet taken for granted with obliviousness instead of with appreciation and joy. It's easy to think you have little. When in reality... I've got more than enough. A little too much maybe, but certainly more than enough.
A dark room and an empty crib
I was standing in my daughters bedroom. Even though she's nearly 2 years old, just before I laid her in her crib I took a moment. I held her like a baby and rocked her back and forth singing to her. I was singing one of our favorite songs that I'd made up: "I love you, yes I do; won't you be my little baby. I love you, yes I do; won't you be my little baby."
As I sang, I looked over at the second crib in the room. The empty one. The day she arrives feels so close. It has to be soon. As I looked at that crib, I could almost imagine her face, her arms and legs twisting, her little chest softly moving up and down, her eyes peacefully closed. I could envision her whole existence.
And in those few minutes of rocking, singing, and imagining the future, something changed in my mind. It's hard to explain how my mind works, but very simple things become spiritual lessons for me. So as I imagined the future child - I wondered if perhaps God wanted me to envision future spiritual children in much the same way.
I would describe myself as "barren". I'm single, and as such, I will not be producing children of my own. Yet, God has given me children.
But these children did not come without some effort. At least the first one arrived by very intense prayer and warfare. I fought. I fought in prayer and tears and song. And into my arms was delivered a child. She was not given to me for temporary enjoyment, but for long term care. She is mine to raise, to grow, to teach about Him.
I don't have any Spiritual children. I could easily call myself Spiritually barren. But I haven't wept and prayed and fought lately for anyone except my own daughters. I haven't fought to birth anything or anyone... not spiritually at least.
So tonight I'm wondering about myself and my priorities. I want to make sure I'm as available to God for Spiritual Children, as I am for His earthly children. I don't get to serve Him in one area and ignore others.
As I sang, I looked over at the second crib in the room. The empty one. The day she arrives feels so close. It has to be soon. As I looked at that crib, I could almost imagine her face, her arms and legs twisting, her little chest softly moving up and down, her eyes peacefully closed. I could envision her whole existence.
And in those few minutes of rocking, singing, and imagining the future, something changed in my mind. It's hard to explain how my mind works, but very simple things become spiritual lessons for me. So as I imagined the future child - I wondered if perhaps God wanted me to envision future spiritual children in much the same way.
I would describe myself as "barren". I'm single, and as such, I will not be producing children of my own. Yet, God has given me children.
But these children did not come without some effort. At least the first one arrived by very intense prayer and warfare. I fought. I fought in prayer and tears and song. And into my arms was delivered a child. She was not given to me for temporary enjoyment, but for long term care. She is mine to raise, to grow, to teach about Him.
I don't have any Spiritual children. I could easily call myself Spiritually barren. But I haven't wept and prayed and fought lately for anyone except my own daughters. I haven't fought to birth anything or anyone... not spiritually at least.
So tonight I'm wondering about myself and my priorities. I want to make sure I'm as available to God for Spiritual Children, as I am for His earthly children. I don't get to serve Him in one area and ignore others.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Waiting
On Monday, my caseworker is supposed to contact me to go over the home study and ask a few last minute questions. I'm hopeful that this means that it will be submitted shortly and New Kid will soon be here.
Surely she will be here soon.
So tonight, with my Precious helper, I cleaned out her dresser and consolidated some of Precious's clothes into two drawers so that New Kid could have the other two.
There was a lot of talk from me to my helper about New Kid. I can only imagine my daughter... as a sister. I can hardly wait.
She's grown up so much in the last month. Saying more words, starting to respond a few times with "Yes" instead of just repeating whatever words you said. And saying things on her own, doing things on her own. Today, she did something that she liked and made herself laugh - so she rushed over to me laughing and pointed at it and said "look".
And then, during her nap all she did was cry - and I realized she was having trouble breathing. She was crying and very limp, didn't move much at all. I immediately gave her a breathing treatment and withing 30 minutes she was coming back to more like normal. I'd backed off the breathing treatments thinking she was doing better after catching some type of bug earlier in the week. Apparently I was wrong. I'll pick them back up again.
At the end of the night I told her to pick up her toys and she cried and screamed her whole way through it. You'd have thought I was beating her from her very loud distress. But nothing could have been further from my mind. Instead, by some strange act of the heart, as she screamed and cried and picked up her toys I loved her all the more. I loved her in her tears. I don't know how Godly that is but it always makes me wonder about Gods love for me when I love so much during a foolish moment like that one.
I'm praying that I am a good mother. That I'll be a good mother with two children. That I'll raise them in the fear and honor of God. That I raise them forever as Gods children - always aware that I am watching his children, and not my own.
Every day I'm well aware of the fact that it's so easy to fail. To let kids just "grow up" instead of raising them. Daily I feel like I'm trying to remember to fertilize, water, pull weeds, swat bugs. Constant diligence.
It's so easy to fail.
Only God could make me successful at this.
Surely she will be here soon.
So tonight, with my Precious helper, I cleaned out her dresser and consolidated some of Precious's clothes into two drawers so that New Kid could have the other two.
There was a lot of talk from me to my helper about New Kid. I can only imagine my daughter... as a sister. I can hardly wait.
She's grown up so much in the last month. Saying more words, starting to respond a few times with "Yes" instead of just repeating whatever words you said. And saying things on her own, doing things on her own. Today, she did something that she liked and made herself laugh - so she rushed over to me laughing and pointed at it and said "look".
And then, during her nap all she did was cry - and I realized she was having trouble breathing. She was crying and very limp, didn't move much at all. I immediately gave her a breathing treatment and withing 30 minutes she was coming back to more like normal. I'd backed off the breathing treatments thinking she was doing better after catching some type of bug earlier in the week. Apparently I was wrong. I'll pick them back up again.
At the end of the night I told her to pick up her toys and she cried and screamed her whole way through it. You'd have thought I was beating her from her very loud distress. But nothing could have been further from my mind. Instead, by some strange act of the heart, as she screamed and cried and picked up her toys I loved her all the more. I loved her in her tears. I don't know how Godly that is but it always makes me wonder about Gods love for me when I love so much during a foolish moment like that one.
I'm praying that I am a good mother. That I'll be a good mother with two children. That I'll raise them in the fear and honor of God. That I raise them forever as Gods children - always aware that I am watching his children, and not my own.
Every day I'm well aware of the fact that it's so easy to fail. To let kids just "grow up" instead of raising them. Daily I feel like I'm trying to remember to fertilize, water, pull weeds, swat bugs. Constant diligence.
It's so easy to fail.
Only God could make me successful at this.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
I didn't know what a shield looked like till now.
Some days I can feel the wave. It's like a tidal wave looming over me. In reality it should crash, burying me under the water, smothering me, overwhelming me, slamming me down into submission.
But that's all it ever does.
It looms.
Precious has been sick, I'm missing time at work.
Work is.... wow... busy, complicated, difficult.
New Kid is due to arrive within a few weeks.
The wave; it's right there over my head. It's a wave of doubt. Doubts that say I'll lose my job because I'm missing time at work. Doubts that say I can't handle this crazy workload at work. Doubts that say how on earth am I going to raise 2 little girls and be the kind of mother they need? Doubts that look at my finances and wonder mathmatically how two little girls are possible.
That said . . .
The wave never crashes.
I sit, calm, content, sober and excited all at the same time.
I know that if God has called me into these things - He's going to handle them. All of my doubts are about me. But there isn't a one about my God. I can't do what He's called me to. But I believe that He can somehow do them through me. Because He's God. And I believe in Him. I can not, but God can.
And sitting here tonight, that's when I realized ... really realized... what a "shield of faith" looks like. I'm no spiritual giant by any means. All these terms you hear about in the Bible or Christian world, I know them. I can quote them and even describe them. But much like God - it's different to actually KNOW them. And most of them I don't actually "know".
So as I realized that my doubts were the fiery darts of the enemy, and that my simple faith that God is able is what was preventing me from feeling overwhelmed, desperate, scared...It was like a light bulb went off. This is my shield. Where I might have been tormented before (and boy have I felt tormented before!!!), this time.. nothing. I see it there, almost as a tangible thing. But it hasn't touched me. Every single day, I plow on. I go to work (if the baby's sickness isn't keeping me home that day), I've done things at work that I thought were way beyond my skills. And New Kid, I'm as ready as a new parent could be for her arrival. I just keep moving. God is able. I'm not. I know it.
I'm in completely over my head. And I've never been able to breathe easier.
But that's all it ever does.
It looms.
Precious has been sick, I'm missing time at work.
Work is.... wow... busy, complicated, difficult.
New Kid is due to arrive within a few weeks.
The wave; it's right there over my head. It's a wave of doubt. Doubts that say I'll lose my job because I'm missing time at work. Doubts that say I can't handle this crazy workload at work. Doubts that say how on earth am I going to raise 2 little girls and be the kind of mother they need? Doubts that look at my finances and wonder mathmatically how two little girls are possible.
That said . . .
The wave never crashes.
I sit, calm, content, sober and excited all at the same time.
I know that if God has called me into these things - He's going to handle them. All of my doubts are about me. But there isn't a one about my God. I can't do what He's called me to. But I believe that He can somehow do them through me. Because He's God. And I believe in Him. I can not, but God can.
And sitting here tonight, that's when I realized ... really realized... what a "shield of faith" looks like. I'm no spiritual giant by any means. All these terms you hear about in the Bible or Christian world, I know them. I can quote them and even describe them. But much like God - it's different to actually KNOW them. And most of them I don't actually "know".
So as I realized that my doubts were the fiery darts of the enemy, and that my simple faith that God is able is what was preventing me from feeling overwhelmed, desperate, scared...It was like a light bulb went off. This is my shield. Where I might have been tormented before (and boy have I felt tormented before!!!), this time.. nothing. I see it there, almost as a tangible thing. But it hasn't touched me. Every single day, I plow on. I go to work (if the baby's sickness isn't keeping me home that day), I've done things at work that I thought were way beyond my skills. And New Kid, I'm as ready as a new parent could be for her arrival. I just keep moving. God is able. I'm not. I know it.
I'm in completely over my head. And I've never been able to breathe easier.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
The Triwizard Tournament
You remember reading the Harry Potter series? I think it was book 4 maybe, that told all about the TriWizard tournament. It was the 2nd challenge that was so frustrating for me to read. Page after page of Harry ignoring the clue, not trying to figure it out because it wasn't easy. Page after page of me feeling much like Hermione and inwardly screaming "FIGURE OUT THE CLUE ALREADY!!!"
Yet, even with that frustration, I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew somehow he'd make it through the challenge. Why? It's the way the books work. Impossible odds, incredible challenges, and somehow the main character makes it through. It didn't matter that this was book 4 of what I knew would be 7 books. He was going to be ok, somehow.
Knowing that didn't stifle my inward "Could you just think about the stupid egg for a second Harry?" though.
But that's how I feel today. I am, hopefully 3 weeks away from New Kid arriving at my home. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay for everything. Daycare costs will increase by more than double, formula, diapers... there's so much. How on earth am I going to do this? I'm squeezing by sometimes just as it is. How is this going to happen?
But at the same time, I know how my life has played out in the past. I know Who is in charge. I know God always walks this road with me as long as I'm doing His will. I feel His will in this. So despite the clawing fear in my throat, I know it's going to be ok. I think it's going to be hard, and I won't know how it will play out, but somehow, someway, the end of the story is always the same. God made a way. And He'll get more glory from the fact that it was impossible, and I'll grow in faith because I'll be the one sitting here knowing just how impossible it is.
My God is able. He's not just watching out for me, but for New Kid and Precious. I can trust the Author isn't going to change His writing style. He is able. I am not. So I will do it only through Him.
God be with us.
Yet, even with that frustration, I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew somehow he'd make it through the challenge. Why? It's the way the books work. Impossible odds, incredible challenges, and somehow the main character makes it through. It didn't matter that this was book 4 of what I knew would be 7 books. He was going to be ok, somehow.
Knowing that didn't stifle my inward "Could you just think about the stupid egg for a second Harry?" though.
But that's how I feel today. I am, hopefully 3 weeks away from New Kid arriving at my home. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay for everything. Daycare costs will increase by more than double, formula, diapers... there's so much. How on earth am I going to do this? I'm squeezing by sometimes just as it is. How is this going to happen?
But at the same time, I know how my life has played out in the past. I know Who is in charge. I know God always walks this road with me as long as I'm doing His will. I feel His will in this. So despite the clawing fear in my throat, I know it's going to be ok. I think it's going to be hard, and I won't know how it will play out, but somehow, someway, the end of the story is always the same. God made a way. And He'll get more glory from the fact that it was impossible, and I'll grow in faith because I'll be the one sitting here knowing just how impossible it is.
My God is able. He's not just watching out for me, but for New Kid and Precious. I can trust the Author isn't going to change His writing style. He is able. I am not. So I will do it only through Him.
God be with us.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
New Kid
It's odd that her name means Peace.
Because I'm sitting here, so utterly overwhelmed that I could cry. Nothing has happened today, I've known about her for 2 weeks tomorrow. But I'm planning a trip to San Antonio to meet my future daughter. And I'm overwhelmed. This is what other people do - right? Not insignificant little me. Yet the plane tickets have been bought and paid for. In 10 days time I will see a precious little girl who has stolen my heart. A little girl whose tiny body has been painfully effected by her mothers use of illegal drugs whic resulted in her being born addicted to them.
I feel bitterly sick at my love and excitement over having her because it seems like I should wish she had never been born rather than to be born as she was. Yet, I can't find it in me to wish she weren't born. To wish she'd not exist rather than go through this. I hate that she's got so much to fight against from her very first moment on this earth - but all I can think is how wonderful, how beautiful, how lovely.
And I haven't even seen her yet.
When people talk about children like this - born to addicted parents who have no capability to take care of them, they usually say that the parents should have their tubes tied. I know because I've said it myself. Some incapable mom shouldn't be allowed to have 6 different kids by 6 different dads and have them all raised by grandma and strangers assigned by the State of Texas.
Even as I say it now, and understand the logic of it - I can't bring myself to mean it for New Kid. Her miraculous existance isn't a mistake. Man did their part, but God - God Himself created. And it is lovely, and good, and pure, and potentially amazing. I am joyful at her existance. Overwhelmed that she is now Gods gift to me.
My most earnest prayer is that her biological mother will one day, miraculously be touched by the mighty hand of God and be delivered from the devils that torment her and the addiction that binds her, and see life glorious and eternal. I hope to one day raise up my children and show them to her as Gods ability to bring light and joy into the darkest and bleakest of situations.
But meanwhile, I sit here in Colorado - a thousand miles away from a child I'm certain will become my very own. I'm in awe that this is my life. I'm thankful.
Because I'm sitting here, so utterly overwhelmed that I could cry. Nothing has happened today, I've known about her for 2 weeks tomorrow. But I'm planning a trip to San Antonio to meet my future daughter. And I'm overwhelmed. This is what other people do - right? Not insignificant little me. Yet the plane tickets have been bought and paid for. In 10 days time I will see a precious little girl who has stolen my heart. A little girl whose tiny body has been painfully effected by her mothers use of illegal drugs whic resulted in her being born addicted to them.
I feel bitterly sick at my love and excitement over having her because it seems like I should wish she had never been born rather than to be born as she was. Yet, I can't find it in me to wish she weren't born. To wish she'd not exist rather than go through this. I hate that she's got so much to fight against from her very first moment on this earth - but all I can think is how wonderful, how beautiful, how lovely.
And I haven't even seen her yet.
When people talk about children like this - born to addicted parents who have no capability to take care of them, they usually say that the parents should have their tubes tied. I know because I've said it myself. Some incapable mom shouldn't be allowed to have 6 different kids by 6 different dads and have them all raised by grandma and strangers assigned by the State of Texas.
Even as I say it now, and understand the logic of it - I can't bring myself to mean it for New Kid. Her miraculous existance isn't a mistake. Man did their part, but God - God Himself created. And it is lovely, and good, and pure, and potentially amazing. I am joyful at her existance. Overwhelmed that she is now Gods gift to me.
My most earnest prayer is that her biological mother will one day, miraculously be touched by the mighty hand of God and be delivered from the devils that torment her and the addiction that binds her, and see life glorious and eternal. I hope to one day raise up my children and show them to her as Gods ability to bring light and joy into the darkest and bleakest of situations.
But meanwhile, I sit here in Colorado - a thousand miles away from a child I'm certain will become my very own. I'm in awe that this is my life. I'm thankful.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Goodbye
It's hard to figure out how to explain some things. This blog has been precious to me, I started it shortly after I left a church and since then... it's followed me through so much. I met many new people through this blog, Larry and Ruth, SLW, and Louie Marsh are the main ones that stand out in my mind right now.
But I've got a small problem.
I've got a cyber stalker. And while I'd hoped nearly 2 months of silence would have bored him away from watching my life through this blog, I'm afraid it hasn't. So the time has come to close the blog for the safety of a little one far more precious to me than a blog.
I'm sad to see this blog go, but as this has been going on for nearly 3 years now, I'm even more sad that someone could go on this long in their wrong.
Over a hundred subscribers... wow. Thank you all for reading!
*This post will remain up for a few days before I close it.
But I've got a small problem.
I've got a cyber stalker. And while I'd hoped nearly 2 months of silence would have bored him away from watching my life through this blog, I'm afraid it hasn't. So the time has come to close the blog for the safety of a little one far more precious to me than a blog.
I'm sad to see this blog go, but as this has been going on for nearly 3 years now, I'm even more sad that someone could go on this long in their wrong.
Over a hundred subscribers... wow. Thank you all for reading!
*This post will remain up for a few days before I close it.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Continuing to walk
I stopped posting on this blog. There was so much to say, but everything seemed to be wrapped around my precious Michaela and I didn't want this blog to become about that. I've learned so much, and God has spoken in so many exciting ways concerning her adoption and as I look at her and watch her grow and change...it would be very simple for me to stop writing about Christ, and to start writing about my daughter.
My life isn't about my daughter though. My walk,... it's not about her. It's about Christ.
Much has changed in the past months. For a simple update, I spent a week in the hospital with Jax(Michaela's nickname) trying to get her breathing under control. She's been diagnosed with asthma, and at 1 years old it's difficult to manage simply because she can't tell me before things get too bad. We're settled into a pretty strict medicine regime now so I'm praying we can stay healthy. My first goal is 6 months without needing to use the rescue inhaler as apparently 6 months is suggested as what it takes for some of the scales in her airways to regrow after RSV. (The scales help her body cough out mucus, otherwise the mucus just sticks to her airways and doesn't cough out).
3 weeks after getting out of the hospital - the Penske truck left Texas and my daughter and I, along with my brothers family, left our homes in San Antonio and struck out for Colorado.
It was our goal to go there, and begin attending Ellerslie: the church I've been linking to for awhile now. Eric Ludy is the pastor.
I cannot begin to describe the church. These few details hardly do it justice but just to give you an idea at least: The doors remain unlocked, no offering plate was passed, the people worshipped in song, and then the preacher got up and told me that 99% wasn't good enough. However, he didn't tell me to try harder, he told me 100% was only possible through Jesus Christ. Then we sang "What can wash away my sins, nothing but the blood of Jesus" and the words took on a brand new meaning for me. I'm a try-er. I'm a do-er. It was so refreshing to finally have someone agree with me that what I've got to give God isn't good enough (I've never heard that message from anyone save Eric Ludy and Paul Washer before), and then to tell me that Jesus Christ is the only way - again, not something you hear too often despite the fact that if pinned down most Pentecostal/Non-denominational churches would probably tell you they agree with it.
As I wandered about my house this evening though, praying for someone, and thinking about Ellerslie and the new class of students that will be arriving this week to begin their 9 week semester of training I felt God impress something on me.
I can't attend the school. Oh, I'd love to, but I'm a single mom now and need to work to support us, there's no extra money or time to just stop working and attend a school for 9 weeks. But one of the sermons I've truly enjoyed from Eric Ludy is called "The Man Under The Stage" and tonight, as thoughts went through my head, suddenly I felt a calling to be that man for this new group of students.
As Ludy likes to say though it is not enough to esteem something, and not do it. I cannot simply esteem the idea of being a "Man under the stage" for this group, but then not take it as a serious commission from God. What He's asked, in terms of my time is... well... something difficult for me to give. However, 9 weeks from now... I honestly can only imagine the change it could work in me if I did it.
So tonight, I just wanted to write this down as one small way to hold myself accountable. Gods asking for 100%, so I'm praying He'll empower me to give it.
If anyone has any advice, or scriptures that come to mind that might assist - I'd appreciate it.
My life isn't about my daughter though. My walk,... it's not about her. It's about Christ.
Much has changed in the past months. For a simple update, I spent a week in the hospital with Jax(Michaela's nickname) trying to get her breathing under control. She's been diagnosed with asthma, and at 1 years old it's difficult to manage simply because she can't tell me before things get too bad. We're settled into a pretty strict medicine regime now so I'm praying we can stay healthy. My first goal is 6 months without needing to use the rescue inhaler as apparently 6 months is suggested as what it takes for some of the scales in her airways to regrow after RSV. (The scales help her body cough out mucus, otherwise the mucus just sticks to her airways and doesn't cough out).
3 weeks after getting out of the hospital - the Penske truck left Texas and my daughter and I, along with my brothers family, left our homes in San Antonio and struck out for Colorado.
It was our goal to go there, and begin attending Ellerslie: the church I've been linking to for awhile now. Eric Ludy is the pastor.
I cannot begin to describe the church. These few details hardly do it justice but just to give you an idea at least: The doors remain unlocked, no offering plate was passed, the people worshipped in song, and then the preacher got up and told me that 99% wasn't good enough. However, he didn't tell me to try harder, he told me 100% was only possible through Jesus Christ. Then we sang "What can wash away my sins, nothing but the blood of Jesus" and the words took on a brand new meaning for me. I'm a try-er. I'm a do-er. It was so refreshing to finally have someone agree with me that what I've got to give God isn't good enough (I've never heard that message from anyone save Eric Ludy and Paul Washer before), and then to tell me that Jesus Christ is the only way - again, not something you hear too often despite the fact that if pinned down most Pentecostal/Non-denominational churches would probably tell you they agree with it.
As I wandered about my house this evening though, praying for someone, and thinking about Ellerslie and the new class of students that will be arriving this week to begin their 9 week semester of training I felt God impress something on me.
I can't attend the school. Oh, I'd love to, but I'm a single mom now and need to work to support us, there's no extra money or time to just stop working and attend a school for 9 weeks. But one of the sermons I've truly enjoyed from Eric Ludy is called "The Man Under The Stage" and tonight, as thoughts went through my head, suddenly I felt a calling to be that man for this new group of students.
As Ludy likes to say though it is not enough to esteem something, and not do it. I cannot simply esteem the idea of being a "Man under the stage" for this group, but then not take it as a serious commission from God. What He's asked, in terms of my time is... well... something difficult for me to give. However, 9 weeks from now... I honestly can only imagine the change it could work in me if I did it.
So tonight, I just wanted to write this down as one small way to hold myself accountable. Gods asking for 100%, so I'm praying He'll empower me to give it.
If anyone has any advice, or scriptures that come to mind that might assist - I'd appreciate it.
Friday, April 20, 2012
April 20th, 2012 - Michaela is adopted
So very much I could say, but most of it is indescribable.
On May 6th, 2011 I met Jaclynn.
She was 7 weeks old, 1 month premature, and was fighting her own little battle in ICU so that she could be well enough to get out of the hospital. For some reason everything about the news that I'd be receiving her as my newest foster child placement was different. I found myself racing 80 miles an hour to the hospital to sit with her in ICU. I went back and forth for 3 days from home to ICU meeting my newest little person.
On May 9th, she came to live with me.
On October 10th, her parents rights were terminated. I knew that beyond all reason, and beyond all the strong beliefs I have that a child should have a mother AND a father - I knew that I was supposed to adopt her.
90 day waiting period passed.
Waited for the case to be transferred from foster to adoption unit at CPS.
Waited for adoption unit to get all their ducks in a row.
Today, April 20th,2012, I'm proud to announce that Jaclynn (Jax, Precious, JackJackJackerz) has legally become Michaela Poteet.
I cried through pretty much the whole event, no matter how hard I tried not to. I can't tell you what a joy and deep honor it is that God would allow me - ME - to be her mother. I don't feel nearly up to the task - and the very idea of it all, and how greatly I am simply not enough on my own I pray continues to drive me to my knees every day of our lives together.
On May 6th, 2011 I met Jaclynn.
On May 9th, she came to live with me.
On October 10th, her parents rights were terminated. I knew that beyond all reason, and beyond all the strong beliefs I have that a child should have a mother AND a father - I knew that I was supposed to adopt her.
90 day waiting period passed.
Waited for the case to be transferred from foster to adoption unit at CPS.
Waited for adoption unit to get all their ducks in a row.
Today, April 20th,2012, I'm proud to announce that Jaclynn (Jax, Precious, JackJackJackerz) has legally become Michaela Poteet.
I cried through pretty much the whole event, no matter how hard I tried not to. I can't tell you what a joy and deep honor it is that God would allow me - ME - to be her mother. I don't feel nearly up to the task - and the very idea of it all, and how greatly I am simply not enough on my own I pray continues to drive me to my knees every day of our lives together.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
November 17th to March 23rd
This is a story of a miracle. My God can do anything. I can do anything my God wants done.
Many, many moons ago, before I was even 18 years old, I gained access to a credit card.
And I was an idiot.
I didn't buy diamonds and furs or such, but I used it to buy things that I wanted when my paycheck ran out: eating out, gifts, etc.
Fast forward 5-6 years to an 18 wheeler plowing into the back of my newly purchased Mazda, purchased on credit..... and it was deemed my fault so I was liable for $9,000-ish in damages.
By that time though I had wizened up at least a bit and I used balance transfer checks to get everything onto one credit card and at a fantastic interest rate (3.25%). Which lasted until I received two foster babies and $1,000 in daycare bills in one month made me miss a payment. Missing a payment means you lose the interest rate - mine skyrocketed to 22%
Fast forward to 2011.... roughly 13 years after I began my credit adventure. The credit card hasn't been used in years and is simply a draining nightmare hole that sucks money from my bank account. I'd made payments of at least $300 a month every single month (except for the month I missed years ago). The MINIMUM amount ever sent in during a month was $300. Do you know what $300 a month is for $13 years? I do. It's $46,800. And at least $13,000 more in payments was expected.
That number makes me sick. I don't think the amount actually spent could have even been $20,000 when you count the car as well.
But there I was in 2011, the card is shut off, and I'm 2 years into a 5 year payment plan at 6% interest and I'm driving home from work when I decided something had to be done. I yelled (because that's just how I show God I'm serious I guess) and I told God that nothing was impossible with Him. I told Him that He was asking me to be a single mom WITH DEBT and that that shouldn't be. I told Him He owned the cattle on a thousand hills and that I'd learned my lesson. I had been fiscally responsible for years now but the weight of paying for an old mistake was too much of a burden for me to continue to bear. I told Him I NEED OUT OF DEBT and that He'd promised I could ask things of Him and He'd listen. Well, this is what I want God. This it is.
Even today, I earn around $100 more than what my bills are. With the extra $100 I hopefully get to buy gas for the car (not allotted in the budget) and food for my body (also not allotted in the budget). So I made the decision that I was going to label my debt as part of Precious' adoption fees (because as a fiscally responsible person I understood that I honestly couldn't afford to adopt her and still pay off my debt every month). I would trust God to let me buy nothing else - even this adoption - without having paid for it first.
Fast forward to November 17th 2011.
The miracle begins.
I ripped the page November 17th, 2011 off my calendar and I wrote on it the full amount of my remaining debt ($11,225) I added in an attorney fee that I expected to have to pay in Jan ($1500) and said "Lord, this is what I need to adopt Precious."
December, I received notice that my renter was moving out - so February I had to pay both my rent, and my mortgage. I also had to make a costly trip North to clean/fix up and hire a manager to show the property for me and place several weeks of ads in the paper. Roughly estimating I'm going to say that event cost $900 - and bear in mind all of my estimates, to make sure I don't over inflate this, will be estimated low.
On two separate occasions I had to go to the store and purchase new clothes for the babies, each of those trips was always at least $200.
Christmas rolled around and while I was more frugal than usual I still spent over $300 in gifts.
I lost 6 days of work due to Precious having RSV in Jan - $500
I finally got a renter for the house only to be told the gas company won't turn on the gas because of a leak and the whole house has to be re-piped $791.
So, not counting my standard bills, which take up all but $100 of my paycheck - the amount of money that I'd need to come up with before her adoption is $15,616.
$15,616. GOD
I considered trying to get a second job but felt God clearly against it - if this is my ministry how am I fulfilling it by having someone else watch the kids while I go work for more money?
So I didn't.
March 23rd, 2012, Friday, I made my very last payment.
I. made. my. very. last. payment.
EVERYTHING has been paid. Paid on time. Paid in full. I was hemorrhaging thousands of dollars a month and I don't even bring in thousands of dollars a month. Yet payment after payment after payment was made. Quite literally, according to math between my job and the subsidy support for the children, I didn't even make $12,000 since November 17th... yet somehow I paid $15,616 AND also paid all of my bills which previously took all but $100 of my paycheck. I didn't cut corners, I even ate out more than usual the last few months. I generally felt like there was a surplus and didn't even feel pinched or worried that I wouldn't make a bill payment.
I told a friend last November that God wouldn't let me make payments after Precious was adopted because that would mean that I did it on credit. That I couldn't afford her. She can't be mine until she's paid off (of sorts, you know what I mean). Even as I said it I wondered if I was being foolish, if I was saying words I'd have to eat later on.
November 17th to March 23rd is 127 days. 127 days divided by $15,616 is $122.96 a day.
You tell me what God can't do.
As a side note, it looked like I was going to finish in April. I'd been watching all the numbers and I thought April might be the month I finished and I was disappointed. I told God that He'd get more glory if it was March, because March was sooner and April, for some reason just felt less miraculous. March. He'd get more glory if it was in March. But the numbers just weren't there. Then, just a few days after I talked to God about that I happened to dig through a stack of mail and, just before throwing one envelope out, for some reason I decided to open it.
It was from my mortgage company.
They were returning overpaid escrow funds to me.
$402.
And I stood there, holding it, and wept - because I knew,,,, God liked March too.
There is nothing, nothing, nothing too big, too hard, too impossible for God. I don't have to understand the miracle, I just am living here as a survivor of the impossible who never once saw anything but ease and comfort during the last 127 days. I can't begin to describe how my faith has grown, how fully I just want to shout His praise. I'm free. After 13 years of a burden of debt, I'm free. And it's all simply because I was willing to do what He wanted.
He made something impossible happen.
I'd have more likely expected to see an amputees leg regrown, than to imagine my debt could be paid off this quickly after November. But He didn't just pay off my debt. He paid the debt, but He made the numbers more astounding, and then He paid it off.
My God, He is a mighty mighty God. And I am passionately thankful to have experienced these past months because every time you go through something like this, words like "My God is a mighty God" change. They become deeper, more rooted, more profoundly true in your mind, and heart, and spirit.
My God, my Father, my Friend, My Provider.
My All.
HE IS ABLE.
Many, many moons ago, before I was even 18 years old, I gained access to a credit card.
And I was an idiot.
I didn't buy diamonds and furs or such, but I used it to buy things that I wanted when my paycheck ran out: eating out, gifts, etc.
Fast forward 5-6 years to an 18 wheeler plowing into the back of my newly purchased Mazda, purchased on credit..... and it was deemed my fault so I was liable for $9,000-ish in damages.
By that time though I had wizened up at least a bit and I used balance transfer checks to get everything onto one credit card and at a fantastic interest rate (3.25%). Which lasted until I received two foster babies and $1,000 in daycare bills in one month made me miss a payment. Missing a payment means you lose the interest rate - mine skyrocketed to 22%
Fast forward to 2011.... roughly 13 years after I began my credit adventure. The credit card hasn't been used in years and is simply a draining nightmare hole that sucks money from my bank account. I'd made payments of at least $300 a month every single month (except for the month I missed years ago). The MINIMUM amount ever sent in during a month was $300. Do you know what $300 a month is for $13 years? I do. It's $46,800. And at least $13,000 more in payments was expected.
That number makes me sick. I don't think the amount actually spent could have even been $20,000 when you count the car as well.
But there I was in 2011, the card is shut off, and I'm 2 years into a 5 year payment plan at 6% interest and I'm driving home from work when I decided something had to be done. I yelled (because that's just how I show God I'm serious I guess) and I told God that nothing was impossible with Him. I told Him that He was asking me to be a single mom WITH DEBT and that that shouldn't be. I told Him He owned the cattle on a thousand hills and that I'd learned my lesson. I had been fiscally responsible for years now but the weight of paying for an old mistake was too much of a burden for me to continue to bear. I told Him I NEED OUT OF DEBT and that He'd promised I could ask things of Him and He'd listen. Well, this is what I want God. This it is.
Even today, I earn around $100 more than what my bills are. With the extra $100 I hopefully get to buy gas for the car (not allotted in the budget) and food for my body (also not allotted in the budget). So I made the decision that I was going to label my debt as part of Precious' adoption fees (because as a fiscally responsible person I understood that I honestly couldn't afford to adopt her and still pay off my debt every month). I would trust God to let me buy nothing else - even this adoption - without having paid for it first.
Fast forward to November 17th 2011.
The miracle begins.
I ripped the page November 17th, 2011 off my calendar and I wrote on it the full amount of my remaining debt ($11,225) I added in an attorney fee that I expected to have to pay in Jan ($1500) and said "Lord, this is what I need to adopt Precious."
December, I received notice that my renter was moving out - so February I had to pay both my rent, and my mortgage. I also had to make a costly trip North to clean/fix up and hire a manager to show the property for me and place several weeks of ads in the paper. Roughly estimating I'm going to say that event cost $900 - and bear in mind all of my estimates, to make sure I don't over inflate this, will be estimated low.
On two separate occasions I had to go to the store and purchase new clothes for the babies, each of those trips was always at least $200.
Christmas rolled around and while I was more frugal than usual I still spent over $300 in gifts.
I lost 6 days of work due to Precious having RSV in Jan - $500
I finally got a renter for the house only to be told the gas company won't turn on the gas because of a leak and the whole house has to be re-piped $791.
So, not counting my standard bills, which take up all but $100 of my paycheck - the amount of money that I'd need to come up with before her adoption is $15,616.
$15,616. GOD
I considered trying to get a second job but felt God clearly against it - if this is my ministry how am I fulfilling it by having someone else watch the kids while I go work for more money?
So I didn't.
March 23rd, 2012, Friday, I made my very last payment.
I. made. my. very. last. payment.
EVERYTHING has been paid. Paid on time. Paid in full. I was hemorrhaging thousands of dollars a month and I don't even bring in thousands of dollars a month. Yet payment after payment after payment was made. Quite literally, according to math between my job and the subsidy support for the children, I didn't even make $12,000 since November 17th... yet somehow I paid $15,616 AND also paid all of my bills which previously took all but $100 of my paycheck. I didn't cut corners, I even ate out more than usual the last few months. I generally felt like there was a surplus and didn't even feel pinched or worried that I wouldn't make a bill payment.
I told a friend last November that God wouldn't let me make payments after Precious was adopted because that would mean that I did it on credit. That I couldn't afford her. She can't be mine until she's paid off (of sorts, you know what I mean). Even as I said it I wondered if I was being foolish, if I was saying words I'd have to eat later on.
November 17th to March 23rd is 127 days. 127 days divided by $15,616 is $122.96 a day.
You tell me what God can't do.
As a side note, it looked like I was going to finish in April. I'd been watching all the numbers and I thought April might be the month I finished and I was disappointed. I told God that He'd get more glory if it was March, because March was sooner and April, for some reason just felt less miraculous. March. He'd get more glory if it was in March. But the numbers just weren't there. Then, just a few days after I talked to God about that I happened to dig through a stack of mail and, just before throwing one envelope out, for some reason I decided to open it.
It was from my mortgage company.
They were returning overpaid escrow funds to me.
$402.
And I stood there, holding it, and wept - because I knew,,,, God liked March too.
There is nothing, nothing, nothing too big, too hard, too impossible for God. I don't have to understand the miracle, I just am living here as a survivor of the impossible who never once saw anything but ease and comfort during the last 127 days. I can't begin to describe how my faith has grown, how fully I just want to shout His praise. I'm free. After 13 years of a burden of debt, I'm free. And it's all simply because I was willing to do what He wanted.
He made something impossible happen.
I'd have more likely expected to see an amputees leg regrown, than to imagine my debt could be paid off this quickly after November. But He didn't just pay off my debt. He paid the debt, but He made the numbers more astounding, and then He paid it off.
My God, He is a mighty mighty God. And I am passionately thankful to have experienced these past months because every time you go through something like this, words like "My God is a mighty God" change. They become deeper, more rooted, more profoundly true in your mind, and heart, and spirit.
My God, my Father, my Friend, My Provider.
My All.
HE IS ABLE.
Monday, March 12, 2012
31 today.
I'm another year older today and I feel it. I can't imagine being 18 again. I can't imagine not rotating the thoughts that go through my head every day now: bottles for the babies, do they have enough diapers? when is the next appt? have I done the paperwork? clean the house, do the laundry, am I doing the right thing with my rental property? who do I need to contact? am I handling things right with Precious? I hope I'm interacting with Buddy enough and stimulating him enough so if he does go home in April he'll have a solid foundation of "connectedness" to fall back on later in life, why won't this claim balance? am I working hard enough at work? is there any way I could do better and get more accomplished? Jesus there's just too much, please make me what You want me to be, I can't do this and yet You've put me here, please do it for me/in me/through me, am I reaching out enough? am I just another person going through their day to people or can anyone see any light coming from me at all? am I a good person or am I a Godly person? I'm tired of being called sweet - seems like that means I'm not Godly enough because Jesus was rarely called "sweet", should I sell the white microwave cabinet? Jesus I don't want to freak the adoption people out with how bare my house looks, what can I do to help these kids grow? why did You have me talk to that lady so long Lord? what was in that? I love You Father, help me love You more and more, You're wonderful, I need to get the oil changed on the car this weekend and the inspection needs to be done too - I'll probably have to buy new windshield wipers first before they'll pass me.... I hope the horn honks.
Those are my 31 yr old thoughts. All rolled up into a slight disbelief that I am where I am, that I'm doing what I'm doing, and wondering with a slight breathlessness if I'll actually end up in Liberia one day. It's life. I don't want it to be normal. I don't want the next 30 years of my life to look anything except insane. I want to move, I want to risk, I want to simply follow God where ever He leads, whether the bank account says I can, whether my health says I can, whether the fact that I'll soon be a single mom says I can... regardless of logic. I want to follow. I've loved looking back on my life and seeing how God has led - but I think He's got bigger things in store if I'll just be willing to grow and risk, and move with Him.
My sister-in-law, Glenda, made me a cake for my birthday. And tonight, I sat in my home alone and slowly ticked 31 candles into the cake. 4 matches later I finally had them all lit - and then I knelt in front of that cake and I made a vow to God. And I meant it. And I believe He's going to do it.
All I have to do is move.
Those are my 31 yr old thoughts. All rolled up into a slight disbelief that I am where I am, that I'm doing what I'm doing, and wondering with a slight breathlessness if I'll actually end up in Liberia one day. It's life. I don't want it to be normal. I don't want the next 30 years of my life to look anything except insane. I want to move, I want to risk, I want to simply follow God where ever He leads, whether the bank account says I can, whether my health says I can, whether the fact that I'll soon be a single mom says I can... regardless of logic. I want to follow. I've loved looking back on my life and seeing how God has led - but I think He's got bigger things in store if I'll just be willing to grow and risk, and move with Him.
My sister-in-law, Glenda, made me a cake for my birthday. And tonight, I sat in my home alone and slowly ticked 31 candles into the cake. 4 matches later I finally had them all lit - and then I knelt in front of that cake and I made a vow to God. And I meant it. And I believe He's going to do it.
All I have to do is move.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Boot Camp vs. Nursing Homes
Eric Ludy's latest sermon was on the evil of the artistic. As much as I enjoy his sermons, I groaned a little bit when I realized what was coming.
He was going to tell me why what most churches are doing today is wrong.
In his words (primarily at least) he lays it out as they have begun to value the artistic over the truth. Drawing people in with games, clever gimmicks, and stuff has become more valuable than the truth we are commissioned to be sharing.
It's why my old church bowled turkeys and showed Toy Story to the kids. It's why John Hagee at Cornerstone church hired the Sea World and Six Flags folks to put on their Christmas drama. It's why missionaries throw cammo bags and t/shirts into the crowds and pastors dutifully spend Gods worship time honoring veterans and parents and softball teams and their country.
It makes me incredibly sad. I'm tired of non-Christian churches. I'm tired of the fact that in a city with hundreds (probably thousands) of churches, I can't seem to find one that preaches the true gospel and backs it up with their lives. I'm tired of the fact that it feels like Christianity has lost. Christian doesn't mean Christian any more. It means something entirely different and foolish, and deadly.
And I'm tired of talking about how that is what the church is.
Which is why I groaned a bit to realize that's what Ludy would be preaching on Sunday.
In 102 days, Lord Willing, I'm moving across states to join a church that says "God will pull you out of the concentration camp, put you into boot camp, so He can send you back into the concentration camp so you can get others out."
I'm ready for boot camp. I'm ready to be pushed and challenged beyond what I am in Christ right now.
I'm ready to not just talk about Christianity but with a group of believers begin living it out in an even broader scope that I am now.
I want a boot camp life - not a spiritual nursing home where the wounded and sick doze their lives away well medicated with biblical sound bites.
He was going to tell me why what most churches are doing today is wrong.
In his words (primarily at least) he lays it out as they have begun to value the artistic over the truth. Drawing people in with games, clever gimmicks, and stuff has become more valuable than the truth we are commissioned to be sharing.
It's why my old church bowled turkeys and showed Toy Story to the kids. It's why John Hagee at Cornerstone church hired the Sea World and Six Flags folks to put on their Christmas drama. It's why missionaries throw cammo bags and t/shirts into the crowds and pastors dutifully spend Gods worship time honoring veterans and parents and softball teams and their country.
It makes me incredibly sad. I'm tired of non-Christian churches. I'm tired of the fact that in a city with hundreds (probably thousands) of churches, I can't seem to find one that preaches the true gospel and backs it up with their lives. I'm tired of the fact that it feels like Christianity has lost. Christian doesn't mean Christian any more. It means something entirely different and foolish, and deadly.
And I'm tired of talking about how that is what the church is.
Which is why I groaned a bit to realize that's what Ludy would be preaching on Sunday.
In 102 days, Lord Willing, I'm moving across states to join a church that says "God will pull you out of the concentration camp, put you into boot camp, so He can send you back into the concentration camp so you can get others out."
I'm ready for boot camp. I'm ready to be pushed and challenged beyond what I am in Christ right now.
I'm ready to not just talk about Christianity but with a group of believers begin living it out in an even broader scope that I am now.
I want a boot camp life - not a spiritual nursing home where the wounded and sick doze their lives away well medicated with biblical sound bites.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
