Disappointments

To start, I didn't mean to badmouth the Holy Spirit. If it seemed like I was doing that in my recent post, I apologize sincerely. That wasn't my intent at all.

There is a lot going on. A lot. The only aspect of my life that doesn't feel a little battered is my work. Suffice it to say I'm enjoying my work more than ever now.

I'm disappointed. Disappointed that so many in my church choose to not go to church, more often than they choose to go to church. Disappointed that some of them literally can't attend every service. Disappointed that I haven't seen my niece and nephew in too long by my standards. Disappointed that my family can't just love each other. Disappointed that my family, that calls itself Christian, isn't something I can reference to when talking of God's love. And where my family is concerned, I bear the brunt of the responsibility for us not loving each other. That disappoints me as well.

I'm disappointed when I read that if you know to do good, and you don't do it, it's a sin. I'm disappointed because all around me I'm seeing good things that need to be done. I'm disappointed that I spend more time thinking about how there's not enough time or emotional energy to do all those good things, than I spend doing those good things. I'm disappointed that I just keep sinning.

I'm disappointed that I seem to fail so very often. They say failure is only counted if you don't get back up when you fall, but I don't count it that way. I'm disappointed because I hoped that somehow once I had the Holy Spirit that I'd be a better person. That I'd love better, and fail less. But I didn't (my fault, not His). I'm disappointed because I don't have nearly as much of God in my life as I know I could have. I'm disappointed because, even knowing how amazing God is, I still hold on to pieces of myself that I don't want to give away.

I'm disappointed because I see potential on each line of this post, yet am afraid that those that can't see it will only be discouraged further. I'm disappointed I'm not a better writer when it comes to writing of God's mercies.

If I have discouraged you, then read on and I'll give you the only hope I've got.

I'm encouraged in the fact that I can clearly see that I'm the source of my problems. And that God is the solution to my problems. Should I track my way to God, the way I'm suppose to, at the end of every journey I'd find Him there. Actually, I'd find He was beside me on the whole journey. There isn't anything too difficult for Him to fix. Whether it be relationships, hearts, lives, or souls. In Him there is strength.

I'm not searching for a God that doesn't want to be found, I'm not in a one sided relationship with someone that doesn't want to a better relationship.

When my niece and nephew play hide and seek with me, they stuff themselves into some nook or cranny (generally one they've hidden in a hundred times before) and wait excitedly for themselves to be found. They're hiding, but the most exciting part of the whole game is being found.

You see, if I am cooking dinner and the kids are in the house I can stay where I am and turn my head and probably be able to find them. But, for hide and seek, I have to drop everything I'm doing. Finding them may be simple, but I have to stop what I'm doing and go to where they are at for us BOTH to enjoy the thrill of the find. I can enjoy God's company while I'm cooking dinner, but to find Him, to enjoy the find and celebrate it, I have to stop what I'm doing, go to where He's at and then enjoy the growth, change, blessings, encouragement, strength, joy, peace, love, friendship, and comfort available to me as I find Him.

My disappointments lie in hindsight. The number of times I let the kids play by themselves and didn't search. The number of times I didn't search for God. I will always be disappointed in a sinful world. But, for me, utter disappointment is good in a way.

You see, if I weren't so disappointed, I wouldn't want to change so very badly.