I quit my job.
I know. I'm not laughing either. I've got to figure out another punch line to this story.
There were 2 major reasons to do it, and 1 reason that made me want to do it, and then over the last few days I'd been thinking about it more and more and more and more and then Sunday night BAM, God couldn't have made it much clearer. Well, He could have, and I'd sure have appreciated the writing on the wall - but, it was still clear enough.
I, being the logical, sane person that I am, diligently said "I will pray about this for a week, and talk to Godly people about it." And right up until this morning when I finally said "Yes", I've been struggling with the feeling that I'm in disobedience. He said DO IT, and He didn't mean later, He meant now. Like, right now right now.
I'm still there... I just turned in two week notice. I'm pretty sure my bosses have never before seen a resignation letter that begins "God told me to quit my job" and ends with quoting Jeremiah 17:5-8.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to do my best to do whatever it is God wants me to do. I'm trusting. Sometimes my throat gets a little tight while I'm trusting, but I'm trusting. I've realized today that I just put everything on the altar. My bills, my home, my stuff, my Precious. And I'm wondering at the end of this what stuff I'll get to pick back up and walk off the mountain with. All of it may need to be burned away. Some of it may just need to be refined. Or perhaps, the whole point to walking to the mountain and putting it on the altar was just so God could see that I'd do it.
I wonder if Abrahams throat was tight too.
I write this mostly for myself, these are days that I think I'm going to want to remember later on in life. But for someone else reading this - I'm keeping this off facebook for the time being. I want to journal this, but I also need to leave the folks at the bottom of the mountain and go up alone.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Friday, September 09, 2011
Where life goes
The last month has just been interesting, so I wanted to write it down somewhat so that when I come back I might have a way to remember this. This blog may be changing as I find myself in need of a way to journal - but I have no desire to begin yet another nitch in my life that I"ll want to keep track of.
Life is quiet.
The tv isn't on.. nearly ever. I turn it on once a week to find out how the America's Got Talent folks are doing - but even then I spend the show with it on mute until someone good comes on. There's too much else that I don't want to see. I'm beginning to be more and more surprised at the filth that's on tv - most especially in the form of commercials. I don't want to see it, and seeing it is starting to upset me so my interest in shows has simply faded. I used to watch NCIS, Criminal Minds, some of the Hells Kitchen type shows that came on with whats-his-name... Gordon Ramsey, and other shows... sometimes just because something was on whether it interested me or not I'd watch it. It's not worth it to me now.
I'm reading the Bible.
If you'd have asked me before, I'd have told you I didn't have much time to read the Bible.
It's amazing how much time I have now that the tv isn't on.
My house is cleaner too.
I'm doing a far better job of getting to bed on time - except for that one night...
I'm memorizing the 1st book of John. I'm to 1 John 2:5 so far but I've been at it about 2 weeks now. The 2nd chapter has a lot more verses (29 I think?) than chapter 1 did (only 10). I'd type it now, but well, this isn't a journal and other people do read it so I'll spare you. It's a good book to read though. Really. I've enjoyed memorizing it because the words begin to mean something different as you say them over and over and over and over again.
I'm trying to walk, even as Christ walked... it's taking some slow changes. I don't want to pull a change where I sell all my worldly goods and then buy them back in 2 months because I realized I didn't really mean to go that far. If I do go that far, I want to do it for certain. I'm being careful. Right now I'm just considering getting rid of my books. I don't have a lot anymore, but...what little I have isn't harmful, but also isn't necessarily necessary. I'm trying to decide how much beyond "just the Bible" do I really need.
I am well.
The baby, Precious, is wonderful.
I'm praying for her biological mother - "Lord, I pray that your perfect will would be done in her life, here on earth, just as it would be done in Heaven, and I pray no weapon of the enemy would be able to stand against it." I rebuke and pray chains of certain demons would be broken, but for privacy's sake I won't name them.
God is answering my prayer.
If the Lord wills, this child will never come up for adoption. And while I would gladly adopt her in a heartbeat - it would bring me profound joy - I can think of no greater glory to be given my home than the fact that every foster child of mine was able to return home to restored parents. I was praying about it one time, and asking God if He would manifest Himself so powerfully in this work I'm doing and the phrase came to me, and it seemed God was referring to me as a "Giver of children". It took me some thinking to understand it but once I did, I was...well.. moving on...
My worship is changing. I don't always cry now. I easily go to the front to worship there (rather than remain in my pew) and I don't worry about people wondering what I'm doing now. I take Precious with me and we worship together. I can think of few greater gifts that I can personally give her than to hold her and worship God and speak in tongues and be touched by the Holy Spirit. I want her in my arms when that happens. Last Wednesday night I was almost jumping with her, and the next thing I knew I was shouting "Alleluia" over and over again (it was one of the words of the song - but I was shouting it instead of singing). I... I'm sure I physically could have stopped myself if I had wanted to, but not an idea of embarrassment, or what would people think, or if I would be interrupting the service came to my mind. I was just shouting my head off. If they know me at all, they know that was no barking revival.
This week, my brother and I went to Dairy Queen for lunch so that we could help each other with the verses we're trying to memorize (He's memorizing Ephesians). The manager saw my Bible and began speaking to us at length, I invited him to join us for lunch and he sat with us, talking a great deal about his beliefs and how "hungry he is for the word of God" - his words - and we discovered, while he told us how much he agreed with our Bible, that he is a Muslim. He is hungry. He does not believe all the Islamic beliefs. But neither does he believe the Bible in its fullness. We're going back next week. His name is Tony, he is 38 with a wife and no children. He tried but was not able to have children. For some reason, I think if he gets saved, God is going to open the womb of his wife. It is only a feeling though.
So many doors are opening to people, that I don't feel... adept... enough at the scriptures to handle all the issues. I'm studying the Bible more now. Memorizing as I can. Listening to many a sermon. But I am not spending enough time in private prayer. I need to change that.
The song our church sang Wednesday night -
Life is quiet.
The tv isn't on.. nearly ever. I turn it on once a week to find out how the America's Got Talent folks are doing - but even then I spend the show with it on mute until someone good comes on. There's too much else that I don't want to see. I'm beginning to be more and more surprised at the filth that's on tv - most especially in the form of commercials. I don't want to see it, and seeing it is starting to upset me so my interest in shows has simply faded. I used to watch NCIS, Criminal Minds, some of the Hells Kitchen type shows that came on with whats-his-name... Gordon Ramsey, and other shows... sometimes just because something was on whether it interested me or not I'd watch it. It's not worth it to me now.
I'm reading the Bible.
If you'd have asked me before, I'd have told you I didn't have much time to read the Bible.
It's amazing how much time I have now that the tv isn't on.
My house is cleaner too.
I'm doing a far better job of getting to bed on time - except for that one night...
I'm memorizing the 1st book of John. I'm to 1 John 2:5 so far but I've been at it about 2 weeks now. The 2nd chapter has a lot more verses (29 I think?) than chapter 1 did (only 10). I'd type it now, but well, this isn't a journal and other people do read it so I'll spare you. It's a good book to read though. Really. I've enjoyed memorizing it because the words begin to mean something different as you say them over and over and over and over again.
I'm trying to walk, even as Christ walked... it's taking some slow changes. I don't want to pull a change where I sell all my worldly goods and then buy them back in 2 months because I realized I didn't really mean to go that far. If I do go that far, I want to do it for certain. I'm being careful. Right now I'm just considering getting rid of my books. I don't have a lot anymore, but...what little I have isn't harmful, but also isn't necessarily necessary. I'm trying to decide how much beyond "just the Bible" do I really need.
I am well.
The baby, Precious, is wonderful.
I'm praying for her biological mother - "Lord, I pray that your perfect will would be done in her life, here on earth, just as it would be done in Heaven, and I pray no weapon of the enemy would be able to stand against it." I rebuke and pray chains of certain demons would be broken, but for privacy's sake I won't name them.
God is answering my prayer.
If the Lord wills, this child will never come up for adoption. And while I would gladly adopt her in a heartbeat - it would bring me profound joy - I can think of no greater glory to be given my home than the fact that every foster child of mine was able to return home to restored parents. I was praying about it one time, and asking God if He would manifest Himself so powerfully in this work I'm doing and the phrase came to me, and it seemed God was referring to me as a "Giver of children". It took me some thinking to understand it but once I did, I was...well.. moving on...
My worship is changing. I don't always cry now. I easily go to the front to worship there (rather than remain in my pew) and I don't worry about people wondering what I'm doing now. I take Precious with me and we worship together. I can think of few greater gifts that I can personally give her than to hold her and worship God and speak in tongues and be touched by the Holy Spirit. I want her in my arms when that happens. Last Wednesday night I was almost jumping with her, and the next thing I knew I was shouting "Alleluia" over and over again (it was one of the words of the song - but I was shouting it instead of singing). I... I'm sure I physically could have stopped myself if I had wanted to, but not an idea of embarrassment, or what would people think, or if I would be interrupting the service came to my mind. I was just shouting my head off. If they know me at all, they know that was no barking revival.
This week, my brother and I went to Dairy Queen for lunch so that we could help each other with the verses we're trying to memorize (He's memorizing Ephesians). The manager saw my Bible and began speaking to us at length, I invited him to join us for lunch and he sat with us, talking a great deal about his beliefs and how "hungry he is for the word of God" - his words - and we discovered, while he told us how much he agreed with our Bible, that he is a Muslim. He is hungry. He does not believe all the Islamic beliefs. But neither does he believe the Bible in its fullness. We're going back next week. His name is Tony, he is 38 with a wife and no children. He tried but was not able to have children. For some reason, I think if he gets saved, God is going to open the womb of his wife. It is only a feeling though.
So many doors are opening to people, that I don't feel... adept... enough at the scriptures to handle all the issues. I'm studying the Bible more now. Memorizing as I can. Listening to many a sermon. But I am not spending enough time in private prayer. I need to change that.
The song our church sang Wednesday night -
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