I quit my job.
I know. I'm not laughing either. I've got to figure out another punch line to this story.
There were 2 major reasons to do it, and 1 reason that made me want to do it, and then over the last few days I'd been thinking about it more and more and more and more and then Sunday night BAM, God couldn't have made it much clearer. Well, He could have, and I'd sure have appreciated the writing on the wall - but, it was still clear enough.
I, being the logical, sane person that I am, diligently said "I will pray about this for a week, and talk to Godly people about it." And right up until this morning when I finally said "Yes", I've been struggling with the feeling that I'm in disobedience. He said DO IT, and He didn't mean later, He meant now. Like, right now right now.
I'm still there... I just turned in two week notice. I'm pretty sure my bosses have never before seen a resignation letter that begins "God told me to quit my job" and ends with quoting Jeremiah 17:5-8.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to do my best to do whatever it is God wants me to do. I'm trusting. Sometimes my throat gets a little tight while I'm trusting, but I'm trusting. I've realized today that I just put everything on the altar. My bills, my home, my stuff, my Precious. And I'm wondering at the end of this what stuff I'll get to pick back up and walk off the mountain with. All of it may need to be burned away. Some of it may just need to be refined. Or perhaps, the whole point to walking to the mountain and putting it on the altar was just so God could see that I'd do it.
I wonder if Abrahams throat was tight too.
I write this mostly for myself, these are days that I think I'm going to want to remember later on in life. But for someone else reading this - I'm keeping this off facebook for the time being. I want to journal this, but I also need to leave the folks at the bottom of the mountain and go up alone.
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Numbers - How long till we believe Him?
I’m really surprised to say this – I mean, I’ve read the entire Bible through, so I’ve hit Numbers before, but I suppose I just forget how much non-numbers type stuff there is in the book. It’s still not among my favorites (the book of James reigns on), but I found myself wishing I had more time to digest Numbers than just one lump sitting of it.
Suffice it to say, from Exodus – up to Numbers, so far the kids are still being bad. These children of Israel complain, so God gets mad and kills some of them, the kids repent. Until the next day when they get tired of eating manna all the time and they complain again and we start all over. I’m perpetually amazed that there was anyone left to walk around Jericho much less the large large numbers tromping about killing bulls at the end of this book.
But as I started it… warily… I asked God “Is there anything I’m going to be able to pull out of Numbers? (I stressed “Numbers” in a whiney tone that told God exactly how I felt about this little book.) Fortunately, He’s moved past the immediate killing of whiney-babies and simply stayed quite while I plugged into Numbers *whine* *whine*.
And I'm glad He did because it really is a far better book than people give it credit for.
There were several moments that caught my eye/ear, but one thing really stuck with me.
God led this stubborn, double-minded people all this way to give them the “Promised Land”. They get to the doorstep and sure enough, the spies say it’s everything they hoped for and more. BUT, well, it looks like it would take a miracle in order to get into the land so – obviously – the people start crying and, - honest to goodness – say “It would be better if you had left us to die in Egypt” or even if they had died in the wilderness. Then they immediately try and stone the folks saying they'd win the battle and started planning a return trip to Egypt.
And here is Gods response:
How long will it be till they believe Me?
It’s a sucker punch. “for all the signs which I have showed them – how long will it be till they believe me?”
Holding onto that thought, the verses kept flowing until I reached Chapter 20, where the kids are thirsty and there isn’t any water. So God tells Moses to speak to a rock and water will come out.
But Moses, instead, hits the rock with his ever trusty rod. Still works though – water comes out, and the kids are happy.
But God wasn’t. And while I’ve heard a few people talk about the importance of the “strike” and track it back to Jesus’s crucifixion and why the strike shouldn’t have happened – it’s Gods next words that surprised me.
He says “And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them"
The reason Moses struck the rock – “Because you believed me not”
And from there my imagination took over and I began to wonder about events. So here is what I wonder:
Moses, has been using this rod a lot. It’s been a snake, it’s how most of the plagues began, it’s how they figured out Aaron was supposed to lead (his rod budded).. Moses was pretty used to using his rod for his part in the miracle process.
Moses also didn’t like to speak. His first reaction to God’s call was “No way, I stutter” (something to that effect).
And I wonder… just because I can… if his dislike for speaking and his familiarity with using that faithful old rod had any impact on his decision to hit the rock rather than just speak to it.
If I follow that trail, it leads it right home to me.
Because here I sit willing to do so much for Christ, willing to use all my little tools and ideas, and every once in awhile He says “go pray for this person in this way” and I say.. ‘um, I’ll go pray for the person this other way that looks less crazy”. Or He points out something that can be done that is outside of what I call my “skill set” and I never actually say “no” I just proceed to do something close to what He wants – but done my way. Maybe you haven't done that - but I sure have.
And granted, while God has done some amazing things for me those things are nothing compared to what the children of Israel got to see and experience, and be a part of. And He asks them how long… how long after all I’ve showed you, how long till you believe me!
And I wonder if He’s ever asked that of me.
It’s going to sound odd, but I was raised to not be noticed. As the children of a pastor we were very noticed and it was outrageously important that we not be bad, wrong, stupid, silly, foolish or any other synonyms that rhyme with "not perfect". Within that scope, I learned it was better if people didn’t notice you at all, because noticing you meant people talked about you. And I discovered people, even when saying nice things about you, can draw negative attention to you. So I learned to blend in. And even today I still strongly desire to just blend in. I hate being different. I hate it with an absolute passion. I hate people looking at me. I hate people thinking about me. I hate people noticing me. But nearly everything about my Christian walk that I’m unable to hide leaves me standing out in the open looking very obvious, very noticeable, and very different. I get angry at other Christians sometimes wishing that they were more – out there – like me just because that would mean I’m less noticeable.
But God takes Moses, who does not like speaking and calls him into speaking to hundreds upon hundreds of thousands. And when that isn’t enough, He calls him to perform a miracle based on the one function he doesn’t like to do: Speak it.
God takes me, who desires to hide behind someone else and slip in and out of church with hardly a squeak in between, and calls me over and over again to be different, noticeable, even outlandish.
And when I hide, when I refuse to perform in the functions to which He has led me – it’s not about me. “Because you did not believe Me”
I’m going to struggle with it. Writing about it, examining it, knowing it’s there and understanding it for the hindrance and disobedience that it is – I know I’m still going to struggle with it.
But what I take from this is knowing the root of my struggle. As I battle for spiritual growth in this particular area my prayers don’t need to be centered around “make me more comfortable stepping out” but instead my heart can cry out – “Lord, oh my Lord, help me to believe You.”
I’d like to think something changes in the very dynamics of the problem when I’m the one calling out to God “ How long Lord, how long til I believe You after all you’ve done?”
I think the rest of the story certainly bears a mention - that the people that didn't believe God's promise concerning their ability to make it into the Promised Land - God angrily says "As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you:"
God help us all when God agrees with us rather than us agreeing with Him.
Suffice it to say, from Exodus – up to Numbers, so far the kids are still being bad. These children of Israel complain, so God gets mad and kills some of them, the kids repent. Until the next day when they get tired of eating manna all the time and they complain again and we start all over. I’m perpetually amazed that there was anyone left to walk around Jericho much less the large large numbers tromping about killing bulls at the end of this book.
But as I started it… warily… I asked God “Is there anything I’m going to be able to pull out of Numbers? (I stressed “Numbers” in a whiney tone that told God exactly how I felt about this little book.) Fortunately, He’s moved past the immediate killing of whiney-babies and simply stayed quite while I plugged into Numbers *whine* *whine*.
And I'm glad He did because it really is a far better book than people give it credit for.
There were several moments that caught my eye/ear, but one thing really stuck with me.
God led this stubborn, double-minded people all this way to give them the “Promised Land”. They get to the doorstep and sure enough, the spies say it’s everything they hoped for and more. BUT, well, it looks like it would take a miracle in order to get into the land so – obviously – the people start crying and, - honest to goodness – say “It would be better if you had left us to die in Egypt” or even if they had died in the wilderness. Then they immediately try and stone the folks saying they'd win the battle and started planning a return trip to Egypt.
And here is Gods response:
And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them? Leviticus 14:11
How long will it be till they believe Me?
It’s a sucker punch. “for all the signs which I have showed them – how long will it be till they believe me?”
Holding onto that thought, the verses kept flowing until I reached Chapter 20, where the kids are thirsty and there isn’t any water. So God tells Moses to speak to a rock and water will come out.
But Moses, instead, hits the rock with his ever trusty rod. Still works though – water comes out, and the kids are happy.
But God wasn’t. And while I’ve heard a few people talk about the importance of the “strike” and track it back to Jesus’s crucifixion and why the strike shouldn’t have happened – it’s Gods next words that surprised me.
He says “And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them"
The reason Moses struck the rock – “Because you believed me not”
And from there my imagination took over and I began to wonder about events. So here is what I wonder:
Moses, has been using this rod a lot. It’s been a snake, it’s how most of the plagues began, it’s how they figured out Aaron was supposed to lead (his rod budded).. Moses was pretty used to using his rod for his part in the miracle process.
Moses also didn’t like to speak. His first reaction to God’s call was “No way, I stutter” (something to that effect).
And I wonder… just because I can… if his dislike for speaking and his familiarity with using that faithful old rod had any impact on his decision to hit the rock rather than just speak to it.
If I follow that trail, it leads it right home to me.
Because here I sit willing to do so much for Christ, willing to use all my little tools and ideas, and every once in awhile He says “go pray for this person in this way” and I say.. ‘um, I’ll go pray for the person this other way that looks less crazy”. Or He points out something that can be done that is outside of what I call my “skill set” and I never actually say “no” I just proceed to do something close to what He wants – but done my way. Maybe you haven't done that - but I sure have.
And granted, while God has done some amazing things for me those things are nothing compared to what the children of Israel got to see and experience, and be a part of. And He asks them how long… how long after all I’ve showed you, how long till you believe me!
And I wonder if He’s ever asked that of me.
It’s going to sound odd, but I was raised to not be noticed. As the children of a pastor we were very noticed and it was outrageously important that we not be bad, wrong, stupid, silly, foolish or any other synonyms that rhyme with "not perfect". Within that scope, I learned it was better if people didn’t notice you at all, because noticing you meant people talked about you. And I discovered people, even when saying nice things about you, can draw negative attention to you. So I learned to blend in. And even today I still strongly desire to just blend in. I hate being different. I hate it with an absolute passion. I hate people looking at me. I hate people thinking about me. I hate people noticing me. But nearly everything about my Christian walk that I’m unable to hide leaves me standing out in the open looking very obvious, very noticeable, and very different. I get angry at other Christians sometimes wishing that they were more – out there – like me just because that would mean I’m less noticeable.
But God takes Moses, who does not like speaking and calls him into speaking to hundreds upon hundreds of thousands. And when that isn’t enough, He calls him to perform a miracle based on the one function he doesn’t like to do: Speak it.
God takes me, who desires to hide behind someone else and slip in and out of church with hardly a squeak in between, and calls me over and over again to be different, noticeable, even outlandish.
And when I hide, when I refuse to perform in the functions to which He has led me – it’s not about me. “Because you did not believe Me”
I’m going to struggle with it. Writing about it, examining it, knowing it’s there and understanding it for the hindrance and disobedience that it is – I know I’m still going to struggle with it.
But what I take from this is knowing the root of my struggle. As I battle for spiritual growth in this particular area my prayers don’t need to be centered around “make me more comfortable stepping out” but instead my heart can cry out – “Lord, oh my Lord, help me to believe You.”
I’d like to think something changes in the very dynamics of the problem when I’m the one calling out to God “ How long Lord, how long til I believe You after all you’ve done?”
I think the rest of the story certainly bears a mention - that the people that didn't believe God's promise concerning their ability to make it into the Promised Land - God angrily says "As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you:"
God help us all when God agrees with us rather than us agreeing with Him.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
I needed to be broke.
My savings account was depleted when I first moved to San Antonio. And I spent 5 long months looking for a job. The money was gone, nothing was coming in. Yet somehow I paid my bills, paid my rent, and helped out others that couldn't pay their bills, and never once encountered over-draft charges from my bank. I still smile about that one.
This month and last month have/had challenges all their own but I'm not the least bit afraid to meet them. When I first saw the situation I immediately thought "oh no... what will I do?" but the second thought was, "What am I talking about? I'll do the same thing I did last time except better this time - I'll trust God."
For that reason, I have to say I needed to be broke financially. God needed to bring me to San Antonio, break my bank, and force me to trust Him. And He did. I found myself in a situation so completely beyond myself that I couldn't imagine how to survive - and God just worked. God. Just. Worked.
If He hadn't of let me be broke, I would never have realized that I'm never broke as long as I've got God. I've got enough. I needed to be broke.
~~~~
I needed to be broke.
Last year, when I moved I was in pieces. My blog certainly shows it. I was angry with God, at odds with my church, and hurting more than I remember being hurt before. I tried every trick in the world to put myself back together again - including a 40 days of faith series. Ironic since despite my words I was the most faithless person I knew. Some parts of me were not quite as bad as it was before but I was still broken, and hurting, struggling every day to just get through.
It's hard to say this because I remember it quite vividly, but I needed to be broke.
People I walked proudly in front of have now seen me at my worst. I'm probably still proud in ways I shouldn't be, but coming through this I've found myself in the grip of the God who can put me back together. He is the God of the broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think the idea behind being broken is simply that whether it's financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental. Just the word broken - I went to Merriam Webster and looked it up just to see how he defined it and I'd like you to read the definitions associated with "broken"
1 : violently separated into parts : shattered
2 : damaged or altered by breaking : having undergone or been subjected to fracture : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c : violated by transgression d: discontinuous, interrupted : disrupted by change
3 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : crushed, sorrowful c : bankrupted
4 a : cut off : disconnected
5 : not complete or full
I wouldn't recommend brokenness as a constant state. But I think everyone needs that time in their lives. Probably more than once. But I can think of no better way to understand how great, and how powerful God is than to experience Him at your weakest.
I wouldn't have the relationship with Him that I have right now if I hadn't been broke, both financially and emotionally and Spiritually. I wouldn't. I would still know the words, but now I've experienced the words.
I just needed to be broke.
This month and last month have/had challenges all their own but I'm not the least bit afraid to meet them. When I first saw the situation I immediately thought "oh no... what will I do?" but the second thought was, "What am I talking about? I'll do the same thing I did last time except better this time - I'll trust God."
For that reason, I have to say I needed to be broke financially. God needed to bring me to San Antonio, break my bank, and force me to trust Him. And He did. I found myself in a situation so completely beyond myself that I couldn't imagine how to survive - and God just worked. God. Just. Worked.
If He hadn't of let me be broke, I would never have realized that I'm never broke as long as I've got God. I've got enough. I needed to be broke.
~~~~
I needed to be broke.
Last year, when I moved I was in pieces. My blog certainly shows it. I was angry with God, at odds with my church, and hurting more than I remember being hurt before. I tried every trick in the world to put myself back together again - including a 40 days of faith series. Ironic since despite my words I was the most faithless person I knew. Some parts of me were not quite as bad as it was before but I was still broken, and hurting, struggling every day to just get through.
It's hard to say this because I remember it quite vividly, but I needed to be broke.
People I walked proudly in front of have now seen me at my worst. I'm probably still proud in ways I shouldn't be, but coming through this I've found myself in the grip of the God who can put me back together. He is the God of the broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think the idea behind being broken is simply that whether it's financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental. Just the word broken - I went to Merriam Webster and looked it up just to see how he defined it and I'd like you to read the definitions associated with "broken"
1 : violently separated into parts : shattered
2 : damaged or altered by breaking : having undergone or been subjected to fracture : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c : violated by transgression d: discontinuous, interrupted : disrupted by change
3 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : crushed, sorrowful c : bankrupted
4 a : cut off : disconnected
5 : not complete or full
I wouldn't recommend brokenness as a constant state. But I think everyone needs that time in their lives. Probably more than once. But I can think of no better way to understand how great, and how powerful God is than to experience Him at your weakest.
I wouldn't have the relationship with Him that I have right now if I hadn't been broke, both financially and emotionally and Spiritually. I wouldn't. I would still know the words, but now I've experienced the words.
I just needed to be broke.
Friday, July 02, 2010
The God who knows.
I like to know. Trust me, if you had known me as a kid you would realize that too. I have to know what's going on and I have to understand how it's going to end. I plot ends to conversations, how one action might lead to another action, and every book I've ever read has been rewritten multiple times each night as I go to bed wondering how it's going to end.
I want to know.
This last year, has been a year of not knowing.
This month, is one great big unknown.
After writing last nights post about disasters and God using them... I went to bed.
Then I woke up this morning to find out that well... for the moment I want to keep the events just between me and God. But it's quite a bit to lump into one month and expect everything to turn out ok.
I. Don't. Know.
But here's what I do know. God is still in charge. He knew what was going to happen, He knows the how's and whens, He knows how to provide what I NEED, and sometimes an abundance of wants. I'm tempted to worry and do crazy things to help circumstances, I'm tempted to sit in an anxious ball and wait for the month to end. I'm tempted to lose faith in a God that hasn't failed me yet.
But I'm not. Perhaps this month might be my biggest step of faith ever.
I was sitting here, wondering what I was going to do and how I can make things work by myself, when God brought to my mind that He provides for His childrens daily needs. What I need today. Tomorrows problem is tomorrows. He's providing for me today. And I trust in that.
So I've made a conscious decision to use His resources (time, money, wisdom, strength) today and trust He'll provide more for tomorrow.
Because I just know He will.
And if this disaster leads me somewhere I didn't expect to be, I'll simply know God had His hand in it and trust in that.
I wish I could give you all the details, but I tend to worry that I'll discount Gods provision if I've allowed others to know the needs (sometimes, depending on the circumstances). But I need to tell you, a year ago I'd be whimpering right now. Tonight, I'm sitting here simply saying "I still trust You God. I'm not worried."
And the crazy thing is, it's actually true.
I want to know.
This last year, has been a year of not knowing.
This month, is one great big unknown.
After writing last nights post about disasters and God using them... I went to bed.
Then I woke up this morning to find out that well... for the moment I want to keep the events just between me and God. But it's quite a bit to lump into one month and expect everything to turn out ok.
I. Don't. Know.
But here's what I do know. God is still in charge. He knew what was going to happen, He knows the how's and whens, He knows how to provide what I NEED, and sometimes an abundance of wants. I'm tempted to worry and do crazy things to help circumstances, I'm tempted to sit in an anxious ball and wait for the month to end. I'm tempted to lose faith in a God that hasn't failed me yet.
But I'm not. Perhaps this month might be my biggest step of faith ever.
I was sitting here, wondering what I was going to do and how I can make things work by myself, when God brought to my mind that He provides for His childrens daily needs. What I need today. Tomorrows problem is tomorrows. He's providing for me today. And I trust in that.
So I've made a conscious decision to use His resources (time, money, wisdom, strength) today and trust He'll provide more for tomorrow.
Because I just know He will.
And if this disaster leads me somewhere I didn't expect to be, I'll simply know God had His hand in it and trust in that.
I wish I could give you all the details, but I tend to worry that I'll discount Gods provision if I've allowed others to know the needs (sometimes, depending on the circumstances). But I need to tell you, a year ago I'd be whimpering right now. Tonight, I'm sitting here simply saying "I still trust You God. I'm not worried."
And the crazy thing is, it's actually true.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Rescued by disaster
A co-worker sent me a popular story this afternoon, one I've heard several times before but never ceases to be move me.
It's a story of a man sailing the ocean, when tragedy strikes and he finds himself shipwrecked on a deserted island. Weak with exhaustion and hunger, for days he works and builds himself a small hut to provide shelter from the elements for himself and his few salvaged possessions. One afternoon he returns from searching for food on the island to discover that his feeble little hut has caught fire and is entirely burnt down. Exhausted, hungry and finally broken he screams at God "How could You do this to me!?!"
The very next day, a ship sails near the island, drops anchor and two men row onto the shore. The stranded man sinks to his knees in gratitude and asks 'How on earth did you find me?"
Their response, "Our planes saw your smoke signal late yesterday afternoon, we got here as soon as we could."
We don't thank God for disaster. But if it weren't for disasters, those awful moments that turn us from whatever we had planned to suddenly going in a brand new direction - we'd find that we'd missed the best roads God had for us.
I don't know what it is about the idea, but I've seen enough that I don't see disasters in quite the same ways anymore. Lives change, but God has His hand in all of it - no matter how painful or difficult. U-turns are often dangerous. But God can handle it, He'll turn you down whatever special path He has for you and you will find - once you've made the turn - that this scenic route has changed your life profoundly for the best.
He's rescued me more than once with something I thought was horrible at the time.
I know it doesn't feel good, look good, or even seem inspirational - but truly, the next time something awful happens you might just ask yourself who God might be rescuing.
It's a story of a man sailing the ocean, when tragedy strikes and he finds himself shipwrecked on a deserted island. Weak with exhaustion and hunger, for days he works and builds himself a small hut to provide shelter from the elements for himself and his few salvaged possessions. One afternoon he returns from searching for food on the island to discover that his feeble little hut has caught fire and is entirely burnt down. Exhausted, hungry and finally broken he screams at God "How could You do this to me!?!"
The very next day, a ship sails near the island, drops anchor and two men row onto the shore. The stranded man sinks to his knees in gratitude and asks 'How on earth did you find me?"
Their response, "Our planes saw your smoke signal late yesterday afternoon, we got here as soon as we could."
We don't thank God for disaster. But if it weren't for disasters, those awful moments that turn us from whatever we had planned to suddenly going in a brand new direction - we'd find that we'd missed the best roads God had for us.
I don't know what it is about the idea, but I've seen enough that I don't see disasters in quite the same ways anymore. Lives change, but God has His hand in all of it - no matter how painful or difficult. U-turns are often dangerous. But God can handle it, He'll turn you down whatever special path He has for you and you will find - once you've made the turn - that this scenic route has changed your life profoundly for the best.
He's rescued me more than once with something I thought was horrible at the time.
I know it doesn't feel good, look good, or even seem inspirational - but truly, the next time something awful happens you might just ask yourself who God might be rescuing.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
God has not given me a spirit of fear.
The Friday before last, in my continued hunt for a car that actually stops on command I arranged to meet a person from craigslist to look at their car. So after I got off work I headed down to the South side of San Antonio to meet up at the South Park Mall. *As a point the further South you go in SA, the worse the neighborhoods get. I typically stay north.*
Once I get there I text to let them know I'm there.
I get a call back saying that a friend of his is bringing the car to me and that the friend is running late. He's going to give his friend my number so that the friend can call me when he's almost there so he can find me.
Ok.
The friend eventually calls and instantly something inside me clenches up and says "This isn't good... get out."
It's irrational, and I'm not a rude, fleeing person by nature at all. I trust people until you've given me a good reason not to. And even then I might still be gullible. I pick up hitch-hikers for cryin' out loud. I don't assume bad things about people.
So I sit there and he finally arrives. He's said things that don't make sense, but unfortunately when I ask pointed questions instead of answering he apologizes that his English isn't very good. He was white, completely white, so I've been calling him "The Russian" in my mind.
The Russian didn't have the car with him. He indicated that it was somewhere else and we had to go to it. He wanted me to get in his car.
The very moment he even started the sentence, his hand still in midmotion to point at his car, my gut screamed at me, "DO NOT DO IT, LEAVE NOW, DON'T GO A STEP FURTHER".
But again, I hate to be the freak who just says "No, I'm calling everything off now, thanks for driving all the way down here - albiet without the car - but I'm going to run home now in case you're a psycho."
So I tell him that I'm going to take my own car and will follow him.
As I get back in my own car, I'm listening to a gut that is literally screaming at me. I've heard my gut talk before, but I can't say that I ever recall it screaming. Listening to my gut screaming at me, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!! I hesitated and then finally texted my family a description of the man and the car. I even wrote that this was "In case something happened".
Let me just say that in hindsight if you feel enough danger that you want to send a text describing a person "In case something happens", then it's a situation you should probably get out of. Even if it means you're rude.
We drive about 2 miles down the city streets and ever worsening neighborhoods. He finally pulls in to a car lot. He appears to unlock a gate, but cannot open the gate very much. We boths squeeze our bodies through the small opening.
So now I'm inside a car lot, not able to get out quickly because the gate isn't open. To say I feel trapped is putting it mildly. I'm literally trembling. Shaking with adrenaline (I wasn't shaking with fear, I'll get to that in a moment.) The Russian points at a car in the lot that is impossible to move because it's surrounded by other cars. It's so tightly packed in that you can't even walk around the car. He announces that it is the car and then gets on the phone and begins speaking in another language. While I pretend to look at the car from a distance. He pauses his gibberish conversation long enough to tell me his friend is coming shortly who can move the other cars.
I swallow, it's funny how a person remembers doing the oddest things, but I remember swallowing right then and realizing that I've long since past the easy way to get out of this situation. So I look at him and politely say that I had already arranged to meet someone in 30 minutes (not a lie) and needed to leave and was very sorry but that I could not stay and wait any longer. His face made a crazy look at that moment that I can't even describe. And then I turned my back on him and began the long walk to the fence. My screaming gut was silenced only be the small chant in my head praying he would "let me leave".
The word "let" was ringing in my head. I'd never before felt such a hope for another humans mercy in "letting" me walk away.
I left. I left extremely shaken. It felt like I didn't even breathe until I'd maneuvered the city streets back out to the highway, and that's when I began trembling so hard I could hardly hold the wheel. But not for anything would I pull over.
I went home and tried to forget everything.
I did contact one person and cancel my appt with Andre to look at his car the next day. I officially banned meeting craigslist people. NOT gonna happen again.
Then yesterday Andre contacts me again and really wants to sell me his car. After at least an hour of gut twisting indecision I make a plan. Yes I'll meet him, close to my home, on a road that's close to the library where my brother and his wife would be and in a very busy parking lot next to a gas station on a busy Saturday afternoon.
So I go there and park and wait for him to arrive.
Andre sends me a text asking me to go to a different location.
That's all he did. Any other day I wouldn't have even cared one wit. I would have just driven a few more exits down and parked there. But the next thing I know I'm trembling from head to toe, and I'm trying not to cry. I send Andre a text back saying No and the deal is off I'm going home.
And that was the first moment I realized I had a problem. I drove away from the parking lot as quickly as I could, afraid he would show up before I could get away. I was stopped briefly in the parking lot by my brother and his wife who stopped by on their way home. I would have had people with me this time. The situation was entirely different. But I was still shaking so violently that I thought I was going to be sick. I drove away, and at the first opportunity when I felt "clear" of the place I pulled over to try and gather myself. And I realized I had a problem.
God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind.
Yesterdays events let the devil enjoy a victory over me. And I hate that. So, I've arranged to meet Andre again. He's given me even more reason to trust that this situation is nothing like the other and I'm trying again. If for no other reason than I will not allow the devil to keep this victory.
I've got a post on this that's not quite so personal that I'll put up soon, but I wanted to post this humbling description of me because I want to be completely frank about how foolish and stupid I can be sometimes. Because our Christian walk isn't about doing it perfectly and enjoy victory after victory. It's about getting up every single time you fall over and knowing that God is still there. It's about seeing your weaknesses and not accepting them but challenging them by the power of Jesus Christ.
When I become irrationally afraid I know the devil is at work. I believe when I met The Russian I had great reason to follow the Holy Spirits urging (I believe the Holy Spirit lives in my gut quite often). But the second event was just the devil using fear against me. And I'm going to attack it.
Whatever you've got in your life, whatever you see makes you irrational and you see it isn't of God - fight it. Don't condone it, don't tell yourself it's just a part of your past that is still haunting you. Fight. Give God everything you've got, every day.
You'll only be glad you did.
Once I get there I text to let them know I'm there.
I get a call back saying that a friend of his is bringing the car to me and that the friend is running late. He's going to give his friend my number so that the friend can call me when he's almost there so he can find me.
Ok.
The friend eventually calls and instantly something inside me clenches up and says "This isn't good... get out."
It's irrational, and I'm not a rude, fleeing person by nature at all. I trust people until you've given me a good reason not to. And even then I might still be gullible. I pick up hitch-hikers for cryin' out loud. I don't assume bad things about people.
So I sit there and he finally arrives. He's said things that don't make sense, but unfortunately when I ask pointed questions instead of answering he apologizes that his English isn't very good. He was white, completely white, so I've been calling him "The Russian" in my mind.
The Russian didn't have the car with him. He indicated that it was somewhere else and we had to go to it. He wanted me to get in his car.
The very moment he even started the sentence, his hand still in midmotion to point at his car, my gut screamed at me, "DO NOT DO IT, LEAVE NOW, DON'T GO A STEP FURTHER".
But again, I hate to be the freak who just says "No, I'm calling everything off now, thanks for driving all the way down here - albiet without the car - but I'm going to run home now in case you're a psycho."
So I tell him that I'm going to take my own car and will follow him.
As I get back in my own car, I'm listening to a gut that is literally screaming at me. I've heard my gut talk before, but I can't say that I ever recall it screaming. Listening to my gut screaming at me, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!! I hesitated and then finally texted my family a description of the man and the car. I even wrote that this was "In case something happened".
Let me just say that in hindsight if you feel enough danger that you want to send a text describing a person "In case something happens", then it's a situation you should probably get out of. Even if it means you're rude.
We drive about 2 miles down the city streets and ever worsening neighborhoods. He finally pulls in to a car lot. He appears to unlock a gate, but cannot open the gate very much. We boths squeeze our bodies through the small opening.
So now I'm inside a car lot, not able to get out quickly because the gate isn't open. To say I feel trapped is putting it mildly. I'm literally trembling. Shaking with adrenaline (I wasn't shaking with fear, I'll get to that in a moment.) The Russian points at a car in the lot that is impossible to move because it's surrounded by other cars. It's so tightly packed in that you can't even walk around the car. He announces that it is the car and then gets on the phone and begins speaking in another language. While I pretend to look at the car from a distance. He pauses his gibberish conversation long enough to tell me his friend is coming shortly who can move the other cars.
I swallow, it's funny how a person remembers doing the oddest things, but I remember swallowing right then and realizing that I've long since past the easy way to get out of this situation. So I look at him and politely say that I had already arranged to meet someone in 30 minutes (not a lie) and needed to leave and was very sorry but that I could not stay and wait any longer. His face made a crazy look at that moment that I can't even describe. And then I turned my back on him and began the long walk to the fence. My screaming gut was silenced only be the small chant in my head praying he would "let me leave".
The word "let" was ringing in my head. I'd never before felt such a hope for another humans mercy in "letting" me walk away.
I left. I left extremely shaken. It felt like I didn't even breathe until I'd maneuvered the city streets back out to the highway, and that's when I began trembling so hard I could hardly hold the wheel. But not for anything would I pull over.
I went home and tried to forget everything.
I did contact one person and cancel my appt with Andre to look at his car the next day. I officially banned meeting craigslist people. NOT gonna happen again.
Then yesterday Andre contacts me again and really wants to sell me his car. After at least an hour of gut twisting indecision I make a plan. Yes I'll meet him, close to my home, on a road that's close to the library where my brother and his wife would be and in a very busy parking lot next to a gas station on a busy Saturday afternoon.
So I go there and park and wait for him to arrive.
Andre sends me a text asking me to go to a different location.
That's all he did. Any other day I wouldn't have even cared one wit. I would have just driven a few more exits down and parked there. But the next thing I know I'm trembling from head to toe, and I'm trying not to cry. I send Andre a text back saying No and the deal is off I'm going home.
And that was the first moment I realized I had a problem. I drove away from the parking lot as quickly as I could, afraid he would show up before I could get away. I was stopped briefly in the parking lot by my brother and his wife who stopped by on their way home. I would have had people with me this time. The situation was entirely different. But I was still shaking so violently that I thought I was going to be sick. I drove away, and at the first opportunity when I felt "clear" of the place I pulled over to try and gather myself. And I realized I had a problem.
God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind.
Yesterdays events let the devil enjoy a victory over me. And I hate that. So, I've arranged to meet Andre again. He's given me even more reason to trust that this situation is nothing like the other and I'm trying again. If for no other reason than I will not allow the devil to keep this victory.
I've got a post on this that's not quite so personal that I'll put up soon, but I wanted to post this humbling description of me because I want to be completely frank about how foolish and stupid I can be sometimes. Because our Christian walk isn't about doing it perfectly and enjoy victory after victory. It's about getting up every single time you fall over and knowing that God is still there. It's about seeing your weaknesses and not accepting them but challenging them by the power of Jesus Christ.
When I become irrationally afraid I know the devil is at work. I believe when I met The Russian I had great reason to follow the Holy Spirits urging (I believe the Holy Spirit lives in my gut quite often). But the second event was just the devil using fear against me. And I'm going to attack it.
Whatever you've got in your life, whatever you see makes you irrational and you see it isn't of God - fight it. Don't condone it, don't tell yourself it's just a part of your past that is still haunting you. Fight. Give God everything you've got, every day.
You'll only be glad you did.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Passion of the Christ
So, to be perfectly honest I didn't watch the movie Thursday as I planned.
I woke up and the song "I will glory in the Cross" was rolling through my head. Main lyrics are:
I will glory in the cross, in the cross
lest His suffering, all be in vain.
I will weep, no more, for the cross that He bore
I will glory in the cross.
And that put me off even more as I informed God that He could make me sing the song, but He couldn't necessarily make it true.
So I procrastinated all day long about coming home until there wasn't time to watch it.
Then I did the same on Fri.
Then I did the same on Sat.
I was starting to feel really bad about it though, so on Sunday I finally did it.
It hurt, just as I expected.
I didn't make it through Sunday as gracefully as I had hoped, but it wasn't as bad as the last time at least.
But one thing it did do for me is just solidify some plans I've been forming in my heart for a couple of weeks now. When we moved down here, missional living was a big topic for all of us. Unfortunately, one of the people in the house hates being around strangers. And I've yet to find a way to meet new people without them being strangers first. So the missional style we'd planned didn't quite pan out.
But as I contemplate my move I've been more aware that as a disciple of Christ I've been called to go into San Antonio and preach the gospel to every creature. And I've been dreaming dreams while I'm awake as images come to me and ideas and changes.
I'm anxious and nervous. And I look forward to getting started. The movie only solidified that. I'm ready to take the next steps, and I'll be spending the next couple of months studying my Bible more and more because I cannot do this simply on good ideas and wishes. The steps of the righteous are ordered of the Lord - but reading His instructions usually help too.
God has given me a passion of my own, yet it's still His.
What's yours?
I woke up and the song "I will glory in the Cross" was rolling through my head. Main lyrics are:
I will glory in the cross, in the cross
lest His suffering, all be in vain.
I will weep, no more, for the cross that He bore
I will glory in the cross.
And that put me off even more as I informed God that He could make me sing the song, but He couldn't necessarily make it true.
So I procrastinated all day long about coming home until there wasn't time to watch it.
Then I did the same on Fri.
Then I did the same on Sat.
I was starting to feel really bad about it though, so on Sunday I finally did it.
It hurt, just as I expected.
I didn't make it through Sunday as gracefully as I had hoped, but it wasn't as bad as the last time at least.
But one thing it did do for me is just solidify some plans I've been forming in my heart for a couple of weeks now. When we moved down here, missional living was a big topic for all of us. Unfortunately, one of the people in the house hates being around strangers. And I've yet to find a way to meet new people without them being strangers first. So the missional style we'd planned didn't quite pan out.
But as I contemplate my move I've been more aware that as a disciple of Christ I've been called to go into San Antonio and preach the gospel to every creature. And I've been dreaming dreams while I'm awake as images come to me and ideas and changes.
I'm anxious and nervous. And I look forward to getting started. The movie only solidified that. I'm ready to take the next steps, and I'll be spending the next couple of months studying my Bible more and more because I cannot do this simply on good ideas and wishes. The steps of the righteous are ordered of the Lord - but reading His instructions usually help too.
God has given me a passion of my own, yet it's still His.
What's yours?
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Trusting in God for the answers.
I ended up in a long text conversation last week. Honestly, texting is NOT the way to have a real conversation. Nevertheless, it was the only option available as the person I was talking to doesn't enjoy talking to me about spiritual things. I always... always communicate better in writing than I do in person. So texting probably kept us from another verbal standoff.
But it was all about trusting God, and believing in Him even when bad things happen. Or even when bad things don't happen, but good things don't happen. This person has really struggled with God concerning finances and wishing that God would provide more so their family wouldn't have to struggle.
I argued that God isn't out to make us rich. And that God doesn't hate poor people and that's why they're poor. God doesn't hate sick people and that's why they're sick. Not everything is a punishment, but often simply a trial meant to lead us where we should go. And that God can be trusted when we take leaps of faith.
The idea of leaping in faith was less than ideal to them knowing that leaping could mean financial struggles, and continued difficulties. And how could you differentiate between a leap of faith and a big mistake since the outcome of a leap could be bad? To which I argued that sometimes your ability to know isn't based on physical things, but an inner knowledge - a confirmation by the Holy Spirit that you are walking in Gods will.
Prior to our little text-debate I'd tested the waters with several options concerning different jobs. One very exciting door opened up very quickly for me to go back into a career that was a dream come true and I was receiving information concerning the company flying me out for an interview this week. It seemed almost impossible to imagine that I might actually get the job, so I hadn't even really started praying about it yet.
So I was a little surprised, right after that debate, to suddenly know that I wasn't supposed to make the trip. I don't necessarily understand a rhyme or reason behind it, except for a peace in knowing I'm not turning down something wonderful - I'm turning down something that God hasn't got planned for me.
No regrets, no sorrow, no grief. Just trust.
My rewards aren't of this world. They aren't seen. They aren't things that I can hold in my hand right now. But my rewards have been...... amazing.
Tonight, I still chuckle at little at the idea that I have to wait until I ask God to get an answer. I was absolutely shocked to realize I had direction concerning the opportunity - and I hadn't even asked Him yet! But because of that, I realized how much I want that to be an every day occurrence. I want to hear Him speaking to me even when I haven't said anything yet. I want Him so actively involved in my day to day life that I'm listening for His thoughts concerning things just because I know He's with me and involved.
I don't want Him behind a little tent waiting for me to visit Him for answers.
And I thank God that He doesn't want to be in that tent either.
Thank you Lord.
But it was all about trusting God, and believing in Him even when bad things happen. Or even when bad things don't happen, but good things don't happen. This person has really struggled with God concerning finances and wishing that God would provide more so their family wouldn't have to struggle.
I argued that God isn't out to make us rich. And that God doesn't hate poor people and that's why they're poor. God doesn't hate sick people and that's why they're sick. Not everything is a punishment, but often simply a trial meant to lead us where we should go. And that God can be trusted when we take leaps of faith.
The idea of leaping in faith was less than ideal to them knowing that leaping could mean financial struggles, and continued difficulties. And how could you differentiate between a leap of faith and a big mistake since the outcome of a leap could be bad? To which I argued that sometimes your ability to know isn't based on physical things, but an inner knowledge - a confirmation by the Holy Spirit that you are walking in Gods will.
Prior to our little text-debate I'd tested the waters with several options concerning different jobs. One very exciting door opened up very quickly for me to go back into a career that was a dream come true and I was receiving information concerning the company flying me out for an interview this week. It seemed almost impossible to imagine that I might actually get the job, so I hadn't even really started praying about it yet.
So I was a little surprised, right after that debate, to suddenly know that I wasn't supposed to make the trip. I don't necessarily understand a rhyme or reason behind it, except for a peace in knowing I'm not turning down something wonderful - I'm turning down something that God hasn't got planned for me.
No regrets, no sorrow, no grief. Just trust.
My rewards aren't of this world. They aren't seen. They aren't things that I can hold in my hand right now. But my rewards have been...... amazing.
Tonight, I still chuckle at little at the idea that I have to wait until I ask God to get an answer. I was absolutely shocked to realize I had direction concerning the opportunity - and I hadn't even asked Him yet! But because of that, I realized how much I want that to be an every day occurrence. I want to hear Him speaking to me even when I haven't said anything yet. I want Him so actively involved in my day to day life that I'm listening for His thoughts concerning things just because I know He's with me and involved.
I don't want Him behind a little tent waiting for me to visit Him for answers.
And I thank God that He doesn't want to be in that tent either.
Thank you Lord.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Silence
I'm one of those people that tends to think they're unique. My feelings are unique, my hurts are unique, my thoughts are unique, my fears are unique.
I'm sure you're not like that. I'm sure I'm the only one that feels that way.
Or perhaps every single one of you feels that same way.
But I wonder if it's not true where God is concerned. Each of us have our own unique relationship with Him. We relate in different ways, struggle with different things, and all of us just respond to life, and God, differently.
Last week I struggled to rebound after the sudden jolt I had from a happy and fun time, to the stark reminder of the reality of my moms disease and my dads decisions. Suddenly I became quiet. I was quiet because sometimes when I talked I started crying again even if the subject was as inconsequential as dinner rolls. So I spent a few days trying not to think, talk, and especially not cry.
On Sunday morning I stayed home from church and in an empty house I began doing dishes. And it made me cry again. And I finally said what I needed to say to God. I didn't know what to say until that very moment, but suddenly it just flowed out and I spoke and I cried. It hurt.
I recognize, that you don't know me. The crazy influx of readers that have begun stopping by my blog.... some of you are old friends, but most of you are strangers. So keep reading and I'll get to the part that is about you eh?
Sunday morning, I told God I needed something that was simply an impossible request for me, and even as I asked it I knew it was impossible.
And then, as my family was about to return home I left and spent the day around town just passing time. And all day long I absolutely, positively, felt His comforting presence.
So while I didn't know what I was praying for, what I needed, I received exactly that. God could have sent a person along, but my comfort doesn't come from people. It doesn't come from physical actions or words... oh sure, those things are comforting, but nothing like the comfort that God can bring.
It's too easy for us to look for worldly comfort, physical comfort, things of this world to comfort you. But God truly wants us to find our comfort in Him. And when we ask Him for that comfort, I believe He will come through.
I didn't wax eloquent with my words, I didn't say "Lord," or solemnly close with "In Jesus name, Amen".
I just cried out.
And He heard my cry.
He WILL do the same for you. He will see you through the dark nights when the money isn't there, the test results aren't good, and when the boss announces that there are layoffs coming. All you have to do is open your mouth and say the words in your heart. He can hear you even when you whisper.
I'm sure you're not like that. I'm sure I'm the only one that feels that way.
Or perhaps every single one of you feels that same way.
But I wonder if it's not true where God is concerned. Each of us have our own unique relationship with Him. We relate in different ways, struggle with different things, and all of us just respond to life, and God, differently.
Last week I struggled to rebound after the sudden jolt I had from a happy and fun time, to the stark reminder of the reality of my moms disease and my dads decisions. Suddenly I became quiet. I was quiet because sometimes when I talked I started crying again even if the subject was as inconsequential as dinner rolls. So I spent a few days trying not to think, talk, and especially not cry.
On Sunday morning I stayed home from church and in an empty house I began doing dishes. And it made me cry again. And I finally said what I needed to say to God. I didn't know what to say until that very moment, but suddenly it just flowed out and I spoke and I cried. It hurt.
I recognize, that you don't know me. The crazy influx of readers that have begun stopping by my blog.... some of you are old friends, but most of you are strangers. So keep reading and I'll get to the part that is about you eh?
Sunday morning, I told God I needed something that was simply an impossible request for me, and even as I asked it I knew it was impossible.
And then, as my family was about to return home I left and spent the day around town just passing time. And all day long I absolutely, positively, felt His comforting presence.
So while I didn't know what I was praying for, what I needed, I received exactly that. God could have sent a person along, but my comfort doesn't come from people. It doesn't come from physical actions or words... oh sure, those things are comforting, but nothing like the comfort that God can bring.
It's too easy for us to look for worldly comfort, physical comfort, things of this world to comfort you. But God truly wants us to find our comfort in Him. And when we ask Him for that comfort, I believe He will come through.
I didn't wax eloquent with my words, I didn't say "Lord," or solemnly close with "In Jesus name, Amen".
I just cried out.
And He heard my cry.
He WILL do the same for you. He will see you through the dark nights when the money isn't there, the test results aren't good, and when the boss announces that there are layoffs coming. All you have to do is open your mouth and say the words in your heart. He can hear you even when you whisper.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Christ is not my accuser.
I received a call this past week from my parents. My mother, as most of you might remember, has alzheimer's and desperately wanted me to come get her. It was a long, hard two hour conversation that actually crazily ended suddenly with her forgetting why she called me.
Later, I found myself wondering idly if God would ever forgive me. If there was ever any way I would be able to repent my way out of knowingly not being there for my mother. For telling her no. For hardening my heart against the accusations she tearfully flung at me and sitting here in San Antonio away from the suffering she's going through. There's no way to repent from that... this will forever be a black mark on my record. I will forever be the person that did this to her mother. How can Christ forgive that intentional choice?
And suddenly I realized what I'd done. By continuing that thought process I'd allowed myself to become at odds with Christ, separated from God by sin.
When I haven't even sinned.
The Bible describes the devil as an accuser of the brethren and it's entirely accurate. He leans into your ear and tells you of the things you feel you've failed at and lets you know that God is too good to put up with someone like you. God is too holy, to just to allow someone who would do what I've done into His presence.
But, I'm in San Antonio, far away from my "rightful place" taking care of my mother because God wants me in San Antonio. I don't know why, I don't know what purpose He has in taking me away from her now when she and my dad could use my help the most - but it was instigated by God Himself. So during this time I can either allow my accuser to separate me from Christ, or I can draw closer to Christ to help get me through the hard times.
I tell you this because it's too easy to listen to the devil. To not realize who it is that is talking to you. To understand the difference between the Holy Spirit conviction on your soul and the accuser condemning your soul. Just because you do what God wants you to do doesn't mean that everything else in the world will be wonderful. Sometimes you go to China on a missions trip just as your wife gets sick. Sometimes you happen to be visiting someone at a hospital when someone breaks into your house. Sometimes things happen.
But as long as you're doing what God wants you to do, then simply take heart in that and trust His lead. He won't ever condemn you for doing what He tells you to do. He loves you.
So be careful to examine what you think you're hearing. And any voice that's telling you God can't forgive you - well, it's not the voice to listen to.
Later, I found myself wondering idly if God would ever forgive me. If there was ever any way I would be able to repent my way out of knowingly not being there for my mother. For telling her no. For hardening my heart against the accusations she tearfully flung at me and sitting here in San Antonio away from the suffering she's going through. There's no way to repent from that... this will forever be a black mark on my record. I will forever be the person that did this to her mother. How can Christ forgive that intentional choice?
And suddenly I realized what I'd done. By continuing that thought process I'd allowed myself to become at odds with Christ, separated from God by sin.
When I haven't even sinned.
The Bible describes the devil as an accuser of the brethren and it's entirely accurate. He leans into your ear and tells you of the things you feel you've failed at and lets you know that God is too good to put up with someone like you. God is too holy, to just to allow someone who would do what I've done into His presence.
But, I'm in San Antonio, far away from my "rightful place" taking care of my mother because God wants me in San Antonio. I don't know why, I don't know what purpose He has in taking me away from her now when she and my dad could use my help the most - but it was instigated by God Himself. So during this time I can either allow my accuser to separate me from Christ, or I can draw closer to Christ to help get me through the hard times.
I tell you this because it's too easy to listen to the devil. To not realize who it is that is talking to you. To understand the difference between the Holy Spirit conviction on your soul and the accuser condemning your soul. Just because you do what God wants you to do doesn't mean that everything else in the world will be wonderful. Sometimes you go to China on a missions trip just as your wife gets sick. Sometimes you happen to be visiting someone at a hospital when someone breaks into your house. Sometimes things happen.
But as long as you're doing what God wants you to do, then simply take heart in that and trust His lead. He won't ever condemn you for doing what He tells you to do. He loves you.
So be careful to examine what you think you're hearing. And any voice that's telling you God can't forgive you - well, it's not the voice to listen to.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
How do I know I am a beloved child of God?
I was talking to an old friend the other day and the subject of their recent struggle with God came up. They indicated that they perhaps weren't mad at God anymore for not keeping His promises because they realized that God doesn't have to keep His promises. God can do whatever He wants. To the extent that you could live your whole life for Him and then arrive at Heavens gate only to have Christ announce that you failed to give that cup of water in His name so you were out of luck.
Quite honestly, I was shocked. The very idea was so preposterous to me that it couldn't hardly be imagined. Especially coming from someone who read the Bible more than I did. All I could think of was how the accusation didn't match the character of God at all. But alas, of all the scriptures running through my mind that spoke of Gods love they all seemed trite, easy to disregard suddenly. I didn't want the verses that spoke of His love, I wanted the verses that implied His love. The verses that told of His character, without ever actually speaking directly to it.
That's why I was so happy as I began hungering for His Word. As I read scriptures that had no bearing whatsoever (well, hardly) on His love for us I found they were literally saturated with implications.
I woke up with God telling me to read Ephesians 5. So I went there and found this:
Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children.
Which led me to 1 Peter 1:14 whose first three words read "as obedient children"
Which led me to Luke 6:35 which reads: "But love your enemies, do good and lend hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Highest. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful."
Which led me to Luke 15, the entire chapter coming to rest on the Fathers simple statement to the frustrated, sad, bitter child: "Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine."
Which led me eventually to 1 John 3:21 "Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God"
Which led me to Hebrews 10:22&23. "Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;)"
But the scriptures are simply full of verse after verse proclaiming Gods love for us. And it's easy to dismiss it since I've heard it all my life but the Bible speaks of Gods open, unabashed love for us - His kindness even when we're evil and unthankful. His love beaming down on us while we were yet sinners. His instructions to us to love those that hate us, because that is the very nature of God Himself.
He's not the powerful crazy God who has a quota of people to send to hell each month. He longs for His children, He loves His children. God is the very essence of love itself. When you hear things like that your whole life, you tend to shrug it off much like someone who is surrounded by jewels is no longer awed by the beauty and awesomeness of the value.
Today, I can assure you I will no longer stutter and gape should you tell me that God doesn't keep His promises, or that He's a fickle taskmaster who will live in glorious communion with you throughout your life yet keep you from separated from Him for eternity for something you didn't even realize you'd done wrong.
If you say it to me, I want you to know that I'm more than happy to sit down and show you verse after verse where God is pouring out His love for you. You won't believe it, you'll doubt and be angry still I'm sure - but God promised me that His Word doesn't return void, it will set out what it was meant to accomplish. And I will pour that Word over you as a balm if you would allow - that He could heal your hurts and bitterness.
It works I know. I've been moved to tears this week as I read section after section and realize that the story isn't just telling me a story, but of Gods love. For me. For you. For messed up idiots just like ourselves.
But perhaps you need to acknowledge first that you need to be ministered to. That there is something broken and vulnerable and angry all wound up that just needs to be ministered to. If that's you, all you have to do is e-mail. E-mail your brokenness and anger and I will e-mail my balm of Gilead for the seen and unseen. There is a path beyond the hurt and it leads to glorious Light. E-mail or comment if you're willing to admit you need help.
And let me just put words to something you already know. You're dying. I know you feel that way even without knowing who you are because I've been there, dying and broken, bitter and angry; confident I knew the answers and who God was enough to know He was too cold-hearted to trust in. But you don't have to die this daily miserable death. You can have peace, hope, you can live again.
Just reach out. Friends, family, minister, church leaders, or some stranger with a blog. Any of us are willing to help.
Quite honestly, I was shocked. The very idea was so preposterous to me that it couldn't hardly be imagined. Especially coming from someone who read the Bible more than I did. All I could think of was how the accusation didn't match the character of God at all. But alas, of all the scriptures running through my mind that spoke of Gods love they all seemed trite, easy to disregard suddenly. I didn't want the verses that spoke of His love, I wanted the verses that implied His love. The verses that told of His character, without ever actually speaking directly to it.
That's why I was so happy as I began hungering for His Word. As I read scriptures that had no bearing whatsoever (well, hardly) on His love for us I found they were literally saturated with implications.
I woke up with God telling me to read Ephesians 5. So I went there and found this:
Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children.
Which led me to 1 Peter 1:14 whose first three words read "as obedient children"
Which led me to Luke 6:35 which reads: "But love your enemies, do good and lend hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Highest. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful."
Which led me to Luke 15, the entire chapter coming to rest on the Fathers simple statement to the frustrated, sad, bitter child: "Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine."
Which led me eventually to 1 John 3:21 "Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God"
Which led me to Hebrews 10:22&23. "Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;)"
But the scriptures are simply full of verse after verse proclaiming Gods love for us. And it's easy to dismiss it since I've heard it all my life but the Bible speaks of Gods open, unabashed love for us - His kindness even when we're evil and unthankful. His love beaming down on us while we were yet sinners. His instructions to us to love those that hate us, because that is the very nature of God Himself.
He's not the powerful crazy God who has a quota of people to send to hell each month. He longs for His children, He loves His children. God is the very essence of love itself. When you hear things like that your whole life, you tend to shrug it off much like someone who is surrounded by jewels is no longer awed by the beauty and awesomeness of the value.
Today, I can assure you I will no longer stutter and gape should you tell me that God doesn't keep His promises, or that He's a fickle taskmaster who will live in glorious communion with you throughout your life yet keep you from separated from Him for eternity for something you didn't even realize you'd done wrong.
If you say it to me, I want you to know that I'm more than happy to sit down and show you verse after verse where God is pouring out His love for you. You won't believe it, you'll doubt and be angry still I'm sure - but God promised me that His Word doesn't return void, it will set out what it was meant to accomplish. And I will pour that Word over you as a balm if you would allow - that He could heal your hurts and bitterness.
It works I know. I've been moved to tears this week as I read section after section and realize that the story isn't just telling me a story, but of Gods love. For me. For you. For messed up idiots just like ourselves.
But perhaps you need to acknowledge first that you need to be ministered to. That there is something broken and vulnerable and angry all wound up that just needs to be ministered to. If that's you, all you have to do is e-mail. E-mail your brokenness and anger and I will e-mail my balm of Gilead for the seen and unseen. There is a path beyond the hurt and it leads to glorious Light. E-mail or comment if you're willing to admit you need help.
And let me just put words to something you already know. You're dying. I know you feel that way even without knowing who you are because I've been there, dying and broken, bitter and angry; confident I knew the answers and who God was enough to know He was too cold-hearted to trust in. But you don't have to die this daily miserable death. You can have peace, hope, you can live again.
Just reach out. Friends, family, minister, church leaders, or some stranger with a blog. Any of us are willing to help.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Turn off the lights.
It doesn't happen all that often, but every once in awhile, about 15 minutes after the kids bedtime I'll get a quiet knock on my door.
My niece enters, with teary eyes, and says "I think you need to tell me that verse again."
It's the verse I've told her for nearly 12 years now... "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind." Practically every time it comes up it's bedtime. The night has crept in and she realizes how dark her room is - despite the fact that a huge strand of Christmas lights serve as her nightlight.
In the last years, the lecture has almost become script. I repeat the verse, and then tell her that trusting in God is proved most truly in the dark. You say you trust Him, but when the lights are out and you're afraid of the dark, that's when you have to tell your spirit that you do indeed trust in God and you will not be paralyzed by fear. You will not lose sleep with fear. You will not lie wide awake in fear. You will close your eyes and simply TRUST the way you say you do when it's light outside.
And after quoting that mantra so often to her I've wondered how many adults do the same. We allow fears in our lives, even simple ones like fear of the dark, fear of heights, fear of crowds, fear of failure. And when I say we "allow" them, I go so far as to say we build those fears a little home in our lives so they can be comfortable and take up permanent residence. We accept that as humans, we have fears... it's normal, healthy, and while unpleasant and a hindrance to our daily lives - we have every right to be afraid.
"You don't know what I've been through..."
"If you'd lived through what I'd lived through you'd understand..."
"You just don't understand..."
"It's just something that makes me feel better..."
"I NEED to..."
"I just can't do it any other way..."
But that's a lie. It's a comfortable lie because it's hard to turn the lights out and say you aren't afraid, that you really do trust God whether the lights are on or off. That your security, your sense of safety doesn't come from filaments in a glass casing, but from God Himself.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - faith is proactive. It's a inner quality but without the action it's dead according to the Bible. You say you have faith, SHOW me your faith. I don't want the typical religion that reminds you to trust in God but never requires you to give up your security blankets, your night lights, your fears. SHOW me your faith.
I hope you don't think - even for a moment - that I believe turning out the lights and trusting God in the dark is easy right off the bat. I think the very act of turning off the lights is the most difficult thing you can do. It means you've stopped trusting in your ability to take care of yourself, and here - here in the dark - everything is just going to be in Gods hands.
And amazingly enough, when the one who actually HAS given you the spirit of fear realizes that he can't defeat you with your fear you'll probably find that fear dissolves as he moves on to find other ways to hurt you, scar you, prevent you from trusting God.
I give this lecture to my niece on those nights because I don't want her to be chained to fears of any shape. I want her to know that when you're scared to pieces you are not alone and that there is a great big God who loves you more than you can imagine. I want her to live her life unencumbered from those chains that leave her tending to her fears rather than living life exactly as God would have her - filled with power, love, and a perfectly sound mind. A sound mind doesn't picture monsters in the dark. A fearful one does.
I don't know what monsters you imagine in the darkness, but I beg of you, whoever you are, to turn off the lights and beg God to handle it.
I don't make solid statements like this too often but I believe, firmly, that you will never be all that God would have you to be when you allow yourself to cater to your fears. No matter how many victories you enjoy, no matter how wise and spiritual you become, you will never know true liberty until you're willing to sit in the dark and trust God.
You know where your light switch is. When you lie in the dark afraid, tears rolling down your cheeks as imaginary monsters come to attack you - remember what Aunt Net said: "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind."
Turn off the light.
I beg you. Turn off the light.
My niece enters, with teary eyes, and says "I think you need to tell me that verse again."
It's the verse I've told her for nearly 12 years now... "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind." Practically every time it comes up it's bedtime. The night has crept in and she realizes how dark her room is - despite the fact that a huge strand of Christmas lights serve as her nightlight.
In the last years, the lecture has almost become script. I repeat the verse, and then tell her that trusting in God is proved most truly in the dark. You say you trust Him, but when the lights are out and you're afraid of the dark, that's when you have to tell your spirit that you do indeed trust in God and you will not be paralyzed by fear. You will not lose sleep with fear. You will not lie wide awake in fear. You will close your eyes and simply TRUST the way you say you do when it's light outside.
And after quoting that mantra so often to her I've wondered how many adults do the same. We allow fears in our lives, even simple ones like fear of the dark, fear of heights, fear of crowds, fear of failure. And when I say we "allow" them, I go so far as to say we build those fears a little home in our lives so they can be comfortable and take up permanent residence. We accept that as humans, we have fears... it's normal, healthy, and while unpleasant and a hindrance to our daily lives - we have every right to be afraid.
"You don't know what I've been through..."
"If you'd lived through what I'd lived through you'd understand..."
"You just don't understand..."
"It's just something that makes me feel better..."
"I NEED to..."
"I just can't do it any other way..."
But that's a lie. It's a comfortable lie because it's hard to turn the lights out and say you aren't afraid, that you really do trust God whether the lights are on or off. That your security, your sense of safety doesn't come from filaments in a glass casing, but from God Himself.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - faith is proactive. It's a inner quality but without the action it's dead according to the Bible. You say you have faith, SHOW me your faith. I don't want the typical religion that reminds you to trust in God but never requires you to give up your security blankets, your night lights, your fears. SHOW me your faith.
I hope you don't think - even for a moment - that I believe turning out the lights and trusting God in the dark is easy right off the bat. I think the very act of turning off the lights is the most difficult thing you can do. It means you've stopped trusting in your ability to take care of yourself, and here - here in the dark - everything is just going to be in Gods hands.
And amazingly enough, when the one who actually HAS given you the spirit of fear realizes that he can't defeat you with your fear you'll probably find that fear dissolves as he moves on to find other ways to hurt you, scar you, prevent you from trusting God.
I give this lecture to my niece on those nights because I don't want her to be chained to fears of any shape. I want her to know that when you're scared to pieces you are not alone and that there is a great big God who loves you more than you can imagine. I want her to live her life unencumbered from those chains that leave her tending to her fears rather than living life exactly as God would have her - filled with power, love, and a perfectly sound mind. A sound mind doesn't picture monsters in the dark. A fearful one does.
I don't know what monsters you imagine in the darkness, but I beg of you, whoever you are, to turn off the lights and beg God to handle it.
I don't make solid statements like this too often but I believe, firmly, that you will never be all that God would have you to be when you allow yourself to cater to your fears. No matter how many victories you enjoy, no matter how wise and spiritual you become, you will never know true liberty until you're willing to sit in the dark and trust God.
You know where your light switch is. When you lie in the dark afraid, tears rolling down your cheeks as imaginary monsters come to attack you - remember what Aunt Net said: "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind."
Turn off the light.
I beg you. Turn off the light.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Holding the stair rail.
If you ever get word of me being severely injured, or perhaps this blog goes strangely silent for a long unexplained period of time; let me tell you what's happened:
I've fallen down the stairs and broke my head.
Now, before you wonder about me, I haven't done it yet, somehow I've always managed to not become incapacitated and always manged to protect my head... but I'm thinking it's only a matter of time.
You see, despite the fact that we do have a light for the stairs, I typically traverse them in the dark. Without fail, I always seem to think I've reached the end of the steps before I've actually reached the end of the stairs. You wouldn't think that you take that last step differently from ever other step, but apparently I do. Because what typically happens is that I immediately plunge face first towards the floor.
My knees are going to eventually give out on me from the number of times I've crash landed on them on the tile floor by the door. It's funny now, but it's never funny in that confused moment when you realize you've crashed down the stairs... again.
But, keeping with the tradition that I learn a lesson from everything, I realized how important it is to not make some decisions in the dark. To make sure of your footing, to hold onto the rail. Because the simple truth of the matter is that when it's dark, you can't see as well. And when you're in a situation like that, letting go of the support, and making new decisions rather than trusting the ones you've made when you could see, is just plain foolish.
But it seems that's when we always make our decisions.
We decide God's not trust worthy when we're sad. We decide our job is not worth it when we have a problem with a co-worker. We decide our friendships aren't worth it when we don't feel appreciated. We decide our marriage isn't worth it when we doubt our spouses commitment.
Rarely do you see someone happy and blessed announce that after some thought they happily decided that God just wasn't the right route for them.
No, it's when they're not getting what they want, or things aren't going as planned. That's when you decide God isn't enough.
But, speaking as a person that's fallen down the stairs enough times to realize how important this is, making decisions in the dark hurts.
No matter what my mind tells me about where that last step is, I need to simply trust the rail and wait until I've truly reached the floor. No matter what my mind tells me.
Because minds tell us funny things sometimes. And we're 100% convinced our minds are right. I say that as someone who's sat with others speaking the truth to me while I informed them that my mind proved God to be cruel.
I think God gave us wonderful minds, minds that creatively can challenge Him, convict Him, and question Him. But I believe at some point in our Christian walk that we have to begin to trust His heart for us more than we trust our minds idea of Him. Trusting His heart isn't always easy in the dark, because your mind sees things that are not quite seen for all that they really are. And when you realize how truly little you can trust your own mind in the darkness, let me tell you, you begin to grip the stair rail pretty tight.
Or you could be far more like me than you'd druther.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to try and make it upstairs. *crosses her fingers*
I've fallen down the stairs and broke my head.
Now, before you wonder about me, I haven't done it yet, somehow I've always managed to not become incapacitated and always manged to protect my head... but I'm thinking it's only a matter of time.
You see, despite the fact that we do have a light for the stairs, I typically traverse them in the dark. Without fail, I always seem to think I've reached the end of the steps before I've actually reached the end of the stairs. You wouldn't think that you take that last step differently from ever other step, but apparently I do. Because what typically happens is that I immediately plunge face first towards the floor.
My knees are going to eventually give out on me from the number of times I've crash landed on them on the tile floor by the door. It's funny now, but it's never funny in that confused moment when you realize you've crashed down the stairs... again.
But, keeping with the tradition that I learn a lesson from everything, I realized how important it is to not make some decisions in the dark. To make sure of your footing, to hold onto the rail. Because the simple truth of the matter is that when it's dark, you can't see as well. And when you're in a situation like that, letting go of the support, and making new decisions rather than trusting the ones you've made when you could see, is just plain foolish.
But it seems that's when we always make our decisions.
We decide God's not trust worthy when we're sad. We decide our job is not worth it when we have a problem with a co-worker. We decide our friendships aren't worth it when we don't feel appreciated. We decide our marriage isn't worth it when we doubt our spouses commitment.
Rarely do you see someone happy and blessed announce that after some thought they happily decided that God just wasn't the right route for them.
No, it's when they're not getting what they want, or things aren't going as planned. That's when you decide God isn't enough.
But, speaking as a person that's fallen down the stairs enough times to realize how important this is, making decisions in the dark hurts.
No matter what my mind tells me about where that last step is, I need to simply trust the rail and wait until I've truly reached the floor. No matter what my mind tells me.
Because minds tell us funny things sometimes. And we're 100% convinced our minds are right. I say that as someone who's sat with others speaking the truth to me while I informed them that my mind proved God to be cruel.
I think God gave us wonderful minds, minds that creatively can challenge Him, convict Him, and question Him. But I believe at some point in our Christian walk that we have to begin to trust His heart for us more than we trust our minds idea of Him. Trusting His heart isn't always easy in the dark, because your mind sees things that are not quite seen for all that they really are. And when you realize how truly little you can trust your own mind in the darkness, let me tell you, you begin to grip the stair rail pretty tight.
Or you could be far more like me than you'd druther.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to try and make it upstairs. *crosses her fingers*
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Because He loves me.
Tell me God isn't working on my behalf.
I can always use a good laugh.
So today I chance upon a woman and just being sociable I struck up a general conversation about the heat. (I was trying to sweat out a cold that I somehow caught when my brother developed "Allergies".) As the conversation usually goes I mention being from North Texas and the recent move up here to SA.
That's the point in every conversation where I have to take a deep breath and remember that God is more important than peoples opinions. Because everyone inevitably asks "What brought you to San Antonio?" To which, after that quick swallow for courage I explain how God led me to leave my home and move here.
Once that door was opened I enthusiastically began telling her how glad I was about the decision and how He's blessed me so much in so many ways since coming here.
She responded with understanding that God does unexplainable things like that. And we began talking about spiritual things for a bit and she asked if I had found a church in the area.
When I told her how much I was enjoying the worship at the church I'd been attending called "Victory", she turned with surprise.
Turns out I happened to be talking to Linda Myers, the church secretary.
By the end of the conversation I'd given her a job lead since she was looking for work, and she'd promised to get back to me with information on joining the church.
She was in a gym, 20 miles from her home but right next door to me. God must enjoy moving puzzle pieces around to see our reactions.
I'm no different from anyone else. I'm stupid and foolish, crazy and misguided far too often. But I have learned to believe in Him. Even when things don't look right. I'm sure it will be challenged many more times in my lifetime, and I'm sure I will struggle, and I don't doubt that at times the hurt might overwhelm me - especially when I begin fostering again.
But just because you forget something, doesn't make it any less true, or real.
God is a God to be trusted, to be believed in. He is who He is whether I accept it, believe it, trust it, lean on it, or not. The only person I hurt by doubting is myself.
I told someone recently how my joy in Christ made me somewhat nervous, because I wondered how I would do when the joy ended because life became hard. But then I remembered my circumstances, the constant struggle the never-ending wonder about tomorrow and it's problems and I realized that this isn't a shallow joy that I'm dancing in. But a deep, rich, sorrow-filled/trust laden joy that is overcoming whatever I face.
He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
How he loves David Crowder Band
Enjoy His love.
Quit fighting Him.
Trust and obey. His plans are not our own.
But His plans bring me to an expected end.
And I can trust that whatever sorrow and trials I find along the way are for a purpose.
I can trust Him.
I CAN TRUST HIM.
Even when it doesn't make sense.
Because He loves me.
And when I really began to believe that.
I didn't have to demand answers anymore.
I just had to trust that good or bad, happy or sad, He's in charge, and I can trust Him.
Because He loves me.
And that's why I love Him more than ever before.
I can always use a good laugh.
So today I chance upon a woman and just being sociable I struck up a general conversation about the heat. (I was trying to sweat out a cold that I somehow caught when my brother developed "Allergies".) As the conversation usually goes I mention being from North Texas and the recent move up here to SA.
That's the point in every conversation where I have to take a deep breath and remember that God is more important than peoples opinions. Because everyone inevitably asks "What brought you to San Antonio?" To which, after that quick swallow for courage I explain how God led me to leave my home and move here.
Once that door was opened I enthusiastically began telling her how glad I was about the decision and how He's blessed me so much in so many ways since coming here.
She responded with understanding that God does unexplainable things like that. And we began talking about spiritual things for a bit and she asked if I had found a church in the area.
When I told her how much I was enjoying the worship at the church I'd been attending called "Victory", she turned with surprise.
Turns out I happened to be talking to Linda Myers, the church secretary.
By the end of the conversation I'd given her a job lead since she was looking for work, and she'd promised to get back to me with information on joining the church.
She was in a gym, 20 miles from her home but right next door to me. God must enjoy moving puzzle pieces around to see our reactions.
I'm no different from anyone else. I'm stupid and foolish, crazy and misguided far too often. But I have learned to believe in Him. Even when things don't look right. I'm sure it will be challenged many more times in my lifetime, and I'm sure I will struggle, and I don't doubt that at times the hurt might overwhelm me - especially when I begin fostering again.
But just because you forget something, doesn't make it any less true, or real.
God is a God to be trusted, to be believed in. He is who He is whether I accept it, believe it, trust it, lean on it, or not. The only person I hurt by doubting is myself.
I told someone recently how my joy in Christ made me somewhat nervous, because I wondered how I would do when the joy ended because life became hard. But then I remembered my circumstances, the constant struggle the never-ending wonder about tomorrow and it's problems and I realized that this isn't a shallow joy that I'm dancing in. But a deep, rich, sorrow-filled/trust laden joy that is overcoming whatever I face.
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
How he loves David Crowder Band
Enjoy His love.
Quit fighting Him.
Trust and obey. His plans are not our own.
But His plans bring me to an expected end.
And I can trust that whatever sorrow and trials I find along the way are for a purpose.
I can trust Him.
I CAN TRUST HIM.
Even when it doesn't make sense.
Because He loves me.
And when I really began to believe that.
I didn't have to demand answers anymore.
I just had to trust that good or bad, happy or sad, He's in charge, and I can trust Him.
Because He loves me.
And that's why I love Him more than ever before.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2010
We made it.
I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.
I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.
I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.
But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.
Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.
My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.
The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.
It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.
That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.
Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.
May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.
God bless you. And happy New Year.
I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.
I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.
I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.
But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.
Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.
My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.
The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.
It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.
That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.
Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.
May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.
God bless you. And happy New Year.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The love of God is greater far...
In my life I've always struggled with feeling loved.
The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.
I don't believe it when I'm told, and only lately have I come to accept a history of actions as proof. But I certainly don't rely on it, trusting it to hold onto a friendship or a relationship during the hard times.
I've seen enough of the world to know how easily people give up on other people. A lady I'm working with right now struggling with her marriage recently shoved aside encouragement that "It would get better", saying "I don't want it to get better, I want it to get over." 3 years of marriage. 3 years of "I love you's". 3 years of taking care of their children.
I've seen that example played out in a hundred different scenarios all through my 28 years of life - probably too young to feel jaded about love I suppose - but I am.
That's why when I really met Jesus, I worked hard to not be discarded. I tried to be perfect because not being perfect might mean He gives up on me. I wouldn't believe for a minute that He would give up on you - no, He'd never do that! but I knew me, and I knew people didn't love me, I was the exception to the rule. Ironic, isn't it, how we all convince ourselves that good things apply to everyone else but ourselves, we alone are always the exception to the rule. Even more befuddling is how even when other people tell us they feel the same way, we assume they're just wrong. The bad things don't apply to them, but us, yes, we certainly are the exception to the rule.
Now, I wonder how much God enjoyed watching me fail. Not for the perverse pleasure of it but because He couldn't wait to prove that He was still there. Not giving up. Not changing. Still as invested in seeing His work completed in me, and intent, fearfully and wonderfully intent on seeing the strange and awkward scars my clay had developed over time be smoothed away.
I'm no poster child for good spiritual, or emotional health. Perhaps not even mental health since Alzheimers does seem to run in the family genes... but while I've been sitting in this awkward place with God, wondering what He's doing and what's happening to me, in me, I've constantly been amazed at one thing and I just want to share it again.
God loves you.
Even saying it right now, tears are running down my face because it's just........so...........true. He loves you.
He loves me.
He loves me.
It's the best kind of love. The best relationship. The best friend.
I can be a complete jerk, the worst emotional basketcase, and a self-centered thoughtless bum - and He still loves me. It's not about being perfect. It's just being loved. Regardless of what I do. That love was there even when I rejected it. When I stood afar off from God and said "Here's how I believe God is," He loved me with an everlasting love.
When I said "I quit God" and waited on Him to stop loving me - He remained unchanging and loved me still with an everlasting love until I had no choice, it literally wasn't in me to be able to do anything else but humbly come back to God with gratitude.
....Even recently when I felt He disappointed me, He had a lesson for me in it that I should have learned long before now. I love Him all the more for that disappointment and His persistent and often inconvenient lessons.
He loves me. And, while I still have issues come up sometimes, for the most part I have finally - finally - simply begun to respond to that GREAT love. I've begun to trust in it. To believe that He holds onto me when I can't seem to hold onto Him. That He'll love me even when I've done wrong - but He certainly tells me to fix it pronto.
So for all that - it's taken quite awhile to figure out how to say all this so far - I guess I just want to say something to you.
I don't know what situations you specifically are facing. But this I know, God loves you so much. And when you finally get that realization, you will be so relieved. The burden, the fear, the doubt, the distrust; it rolls away into a tiny speck that only pops up every once in awhile to irritate situations. Sometimes, as you understand it better - it won't even be able to irritate you.
He won't give up on you. If He is drawing you, speaking to your heart then know this - He has chosen you. YOU. Specifically you. Sure He's got the whole world on His mind, but He's also got YOU specifically there as well. Trust in Him. Trust His love whenever you find yourself in a situation that's beyond you. God's in the middle of your troubles just as He's in the middle of your celebrations. Give your situations into His hand and trust Him. Give your issues into His hand; the hurt, grief, scars, distrust, anger, fear, guilt - whatever it is - simply tell God all about it. At the top of your lungs if necessary. He's strong enough to take it.
I know me, remember? I know I'm the exception to the rule. If you ever really got to know me surely you'd understand that I wasn't worth the trouble and just... wander off... But even I, can somehow be loved by God so strongly, so patiently, so determinedly, that I, the exception to the rule, believe that God loves me.
And if He can love me He most definitely loves you.
Trust it.
Lean on it.
GO for everything.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Growing...
I don't know what someone else would get from this... but I just have to write this to document what God is doing in me.
Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.
Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.
No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".
Go.
God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.
Go.
God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.
And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."
And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.
Get me there God, somehow.
And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.
I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.
God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.
As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:
HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)
Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence
Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed
Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You
Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.
Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.
No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".
Go.
God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.
Go.
God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.
And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."
And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.
Get me there God, somehow.
And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.
I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.
God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.
As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:
HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)
Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence
Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed
Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You
Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Friday, August 28, 2009
Trust is stronger.
It's funny how emotions work. No wonder the bible says they aren't to be trusted.
Today was a bad day for mom, but by the time I made my daily phone call she was doing better.
But afterwards, my niece asked if she could go for the next visit and I refused since it's been hard on her just hearing my ends of the conversations with mom. I can only imagine what an "in person" drama would do to her.
She began crying and it took 45 minutes to get it all cleaned up.
An hour later, just sitting here thinking logical, rational thoughts my heart broke and tears broke loose like a dam but here is the interesting part; I immediately got goose bumps and began praying in tongues.
El Roi - He is the God who sees me.
It sounds odd to say it but I typically have to "work up" to praying in tongues. Some people can just hit some words off on the fly, but I have to intentionally quiet myself and get into a worshipful state before things like that happen for me. But instantly this time my heart broke and words started pouring out of my mouth.
I'm big on distinguishing the words "want" and "need". If you would like me to pass the carrots, you "want" the carrots, not need. If you are asking for 30 bucks to go to the movies, you "want" it, if you are thirsty and ask for water you "need" it.
So tonight, when my heart told God "I need You to do something." I realized that in my heart I saw it as a need, but I would trust Him even without it. I accept the fact that He has true needs that He is providing and working on for every person in this world and sometimes one persons need conflicts with another persons need (whether we realize we're "needing" something or not).
God might know I need faith more than I need help with mom's alzheimer's.
When two needs collide, God does what is best. Even when it hurts.
It hurts tonight more than usual and I don't understand why. But just as clearly as hurt is present, so is trust. I'm trusting God to see my dad through. I'm trusting God to help us with the decisions. I'm trusting God to help us be patient if we are just in a waiting game to get the bad medicine out of her system.
I trust, and I hurt.
Trust is stronger.
Today was a bad day for mom, but by the time I made my daily phone call she was doing better.
But afterwards, my niece asked if she could go for the next visit and I refused since it's been hard on her just hearing my ends of the conversations with mom. I can only imagine what an "in person" drama would do to her.
She began crying and it took 45 minutes to get it all cleaned up.
An hour later, just sitting here thinking logical, rational thoughts my heart broke and tears broke loose like a dam but here is the interesting part; I immediately got goose bumps and began praying in tongues.
El Roi - He is the God who sees me.
It sounds odd to say it but I typically have to "work up" to praying in tongues. Some people can just hit some words off on the fly, but I have to intentionally quiet myself and get into a worshipful state before things like that happen for me. But instantly this time my heart broke and words started pouring out of my mouth.
I'm big on distinguishing the words "want" and "need". If you would like me to pass the carrots, you "want" the carrots, not need. If you are asking for 30 bucks to go to the movies, you "want" it, if you are thirsty and ask for water you "need" it.
So tonight, when my heart told God "I need You to do something." I realized that in my heart I saw it as a need, but I would trust Him even without it. I accept the fact that He has true needs that He is providing and working on for every person in this world and sometimes one persons need conflicts with another persons need (whether we realize we're "needing" something or not).
God might know I need faith more than I need help with mom's alzheimer's.
When two needs collide, God does what is best. Even when it hurts.
It hurts tonight more than usual and I don't understand why. But just as clearly as hurt is present, so is trust. I'm trusting God to see my dad through. I'm trusting God to help us with the decisions. I'm trusting God to help us be patient if we are just in a waiting game to get the bad medicine out of her system.
I trust, and I hurt.
Trust is stronger.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Pray Believing.
Yesterday was a good day.
Today was mostly good until this evening when mom decided to leave him. She calls me up asking to move in with me. The medication is stopped (though despite my last post it was stopped the very night of that post rather than decreased. A special thank you to my home health worker nurse friend who confirmed the next evening that the decision was a good one.
Thanks Ms. L.
Tonight though, after an hour of conversation mom was willing to stay with him until I get there. We're all, (and trust me when I say I know how bad this sounds), hoping she just gets through this particular spell and forgets she's waiting on me. Instructions though involved a sign that says "I need to stay here until Net comes."
Dad was having a hard day too. He was trying to "prove" he was her husband and that he'd never left her. The alzheimers counselor says logic doesn't work and she's 100% right. Just makes her angry. It wasn't amusing, but my mom was rude to my dad tonight. "Would you PLEASE get off the phone so I can talk to my daughter." It's awful, it's stupid, but if you knew my mother and how she is never rude, you would have been amused too.
All that isn't about them. It's about joy. Weariness, and joy all mixed into one. I trust God in this, and He is seeing me through with comfort, but tonight He's also brought a touch of joy. Peace despite circumstances.
It's life. Life with all it's bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And God is good. He's goodness wrapped up inside all the bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And I love Him. I trust Him to get us through the next months. I trust Him to help us all make wise decisions. I trust Him with her life. With all of ours.
You can trust Him with yours too.
Have peace, let that knot in your stomach go. Breathe. What is the worst that can happen? Bad stuff, painful stuff, but nothing that eternity won't cure. So a bad few years? So an unhappy marriage? So your kids are getting in trouble? So you can't find a job? So you can't pay your bills?
Stressful I know. Hurts, I know, but you can trust in God.
Pray like all get out. Pray till you make no human sense because your agonized heart cannot help but cry out to the one who can help - but pray believing.
That phrase has always intrigued me. "Pray believing" It's only right this second that I realized a second meaning behind those words. It's not only that you pray believing for the answer you're seeking, but that you're believing - believing in God and His goodness, who He is, who He's promised to be, who you need Him to be.
Pray believing. Trust His goodness. He's good. GOOD. No matter what your situation He's still so very good. Trust that when you bring your needs to Him as a child who knows their Father cares.
Pray believing.
PS. It's raining in San Antonio. A GOOD steady (though hard) rain. It's been at it for awhile now too. We're in the middle of a 10 year drought. This is a God send.
Sometimes you have to go through a drought.
But God always makes it rain.
P.P.S. A friend wrote about me in a blog. She has a unique knack for describing people - I've always appreciated it - and she was gracious concerning me. She made the word "strange" seem almost endearing. :) She's a fellow foster parent except she is soon to be adopting her two. Lord willing and the courts don't fail.
Today was mostly good until this evening when mom decided to leave him. She calls me up asking to move in with me. The medication is stopped (though despite my last post it was stopped the very night of that post rather than decreased. A special thank you to my home health worker nurse friend who confirmed the next evening that the decision was a good one.
Thanks Ms. L.
Tonight though, after an hour of conversation mom was willing to stay with him until I get there. We're all, (and trust me when I say I know how bad this sounds), hoping she just gets through this particular spell and forgets she's waiting on me. Instructions though involved a sign that says "I need to stay here until Net comes."
Dad was having a hard day too. He was trying to "prove" he was her husband and that he'd never left her. The alzheimers counselor says logic doesn't work and she's 100% right. Just makes her angry. It wasn't amusing, but my mom was rude to my dad tonight. "Would you PLEASE get off the phone so I can talk to my daughter." It's awful, it's stupid, but if you knew my mother and how she is never rude, you would have been amused too.
All that isn't about them. It's about joy. Weariness, and joy all mixed into one. I trust God in this, and He is seeing me through with comfort, but tonight He's also brought a touch of joy. Peace despite circumstances.
It's life. Life with all it's bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And God is good. He's goodness wrapped up inside all the bad, nasty, jerky, stupid, disease-ridden rottenness.
And I love Him. I trust Him to get us through the next months. I trust Him to help us all make wise decisions. I trust Him with her life. With all of ours.
You can trust Him with yours too.
Have peace, let that knot in your stomach go. Breathe. What is the worst that can happen? Bad stuff, painful stuff, but nothing that eternity won't cure. So a bad few years? So an unhappy marriage? So your kids are getting in trouble? So you can't find a job? So you can't pay your bills?
Stressful I know. Hurts, I know, but you can trust in God.
Pray like all get out. Pray till you make no human sense because your agonized heart cannot help but cry out to the one who can help - but pray believing.
That phrase has always intrigued me. "Pray believing" It's only right this second that I realized a second meaning behind those words. It's not only that you pray believing for the answer you're seeking, but that you're believing - believing in God and His goodness, who He is, who He's promised to be, who you need Him to be.
Pray believing. Trust His goodness. He's good. GOOD. No matter what your situation He's still so very good. Trust that when you bring your needs to Him as a child who knows their Father cares.
Pray believing.
PS. It's raining in San Antonio. A GOOD steady (though hard) rain. It's been at it for awhile now too. We're in the middle of a 10 year drought. This is a God send.
Sometimes you have to go through a drought.
But God always makes it rain.
P.P.S. A friend wrote about me in a blog. She has a unique knack for describing people - I've always appreciated it - and she was gracious concerning me. She made the word "strange" seem almost endearing. :) She's a fellow foster parent except she is soon to be adopting her two. Lord willing and the courts don't fail.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I will trust and not be afraid.
There is a little section of me that is amused, even while I stubbornly cling to the necessity of it all.
I will trust and not be afraid.
I'm attached to my cell phone now, making certain that I do not miss any phone calls. My mothers sister is calling, and if my dad calls it is because he needs help.
I will trust and not be afraid.
I've got worship music playing, over and over and over and over and over, and there is a stubborn determination make sure these words stay true.
I will trust and not be afraid.
No disease, no sorrow, no pain today can steal this trust or make me afraid.
I trust, therefore I will not be afraid.
So many things in life come to steal your joy, your hope, your peace. Will you spend the duration of the struggle afraid? Will you fearfully jump at whatever you can do so you can feel you've done something? Or will you wait on the Lord, trusting, not afraid?
It's a lot easier to write than to do. But even though I feel the struggle within myself today, I know that I'm winning. There is sadness and deep grief, but there is also hope. Hope in the God who sees me. The God who can be trusted. The God who is and always will be. My situations don't change who God is.
And despite the fact that most of us know this, we still tend to let it change our perspective of Him. And if it's changing in a good way, as you realize more and more how great and perfect His knowledge and His ways are (even when it hurts) that's all well and good.
But it's when you let it change you for the worse, you don't get the answer you're praying for, safety isn't available, people stay sick, jobs don't come, friends let you down, events don't occur as you'd hope, it rains... those are the times you want to doubt, groan in frustration or anger, want to hurt God for hurting you.
But all that only hurts you more.
I will trust and not be afraid.
It's necessary.
I will trust and not be afraid.
I'm attached to my cell phone now, making certain that I do not miss any phone calls. My mothers sister is calling, and if my dad calls it is because he needs help.
I will trust and not be afraid.
I've got worship music playing, over and over and over and over and over, and there is a stubborn determination make sure these words stay true.
I will trust and not be afraid.
No disease, no sorrow, no pain today can steal this trust or make me afraid.
I trust, therefore I will not be afraid.
So many things in life come to steal your joy, your hope, your peace. Will you spend the duration of the struggle afraid? Will you fearfully jump at whatever you can do so you can feel you've done something? Or will you wait on the Lord, trusting, not afraid?
It's a lot easier to write than to do. But even though I feel the struggle within myself today, I know that I'm winning. There is sadness and deep grief, but there is also hope. Hope in the God who sees me. The God who can be trusted. The God who is and always will be. My situations don't change who God is.
And despite the fact that most of us know this, we still tend to let it change our perspective of Him. And if it's changing in a good way, as you realize more and more how great and perfect His knowledge and His ways are (even when it hurts) that's all well and good.
But it's when you let it change you for the worse, you don't get the answer you're praying for, safety isn't available, people stay sick, jobs don't come, friends let you down, events don't occur as you'd hope, it rains... those are the times you want to doubt, groan in frustration or anger, want to hurt God for hurting you.
But all that only hurts you more.
I will trust and not be afraid.
It's necessary.
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