It's 3am in the morning. I've just finished feeding foster baby #8.
Even having heard the crazy numbers of how some foster families have had 100 kids go through their home, it's still mind-blowing to me that I'm on number 8. And still more to come.
And as I've tucked, and wiped, and held little "Precious" and struggled with the stress that always is single parenting I've suddenly fallen quiet as I find myself deep in thought.
I've prayed sometimes that God would end the struggle. God, make life easier somehow. I'm tired of always struggling. It's been great, it's been a joy it's been beautiful and wonderful but hey God, it's a lot of work this whole "life" thing that you've called me to.
And I couldn't help but wonder if He was willing to do it. But it would cost me the great, the joy, the beautiful and wonderful. And as I carried insanely heavy car seats, worried about ECI visits (Early Childhood Intervention -a program that provides therapy for delayed children), and paid over-the-top prices just for diapers for Precious to poop in, I realized I never wanted to give this up. That I only wanted more.
And as I looked at other peoples well-put-together lives, I realized that I didn't want that. Yes, it appears to be struggle free, but I didn't want it. I want the outlandish life. The life that has messy floors, and diapers sitting in the corner of my kitchen floor (because the kitchen sink is our own little bathtub area). I want others to live young, single lives and wonder at my choice to live as a young single mother to other peoples children. I want others to wonder why on earth I'm considering taking in an 18 month old while I'm just now adjusted to a 2 month old.
I want to look harried, sleepless, tired, and as though I don't have the same amount of time for hygiene as I used to if it means that I successfully gave my life away to something so much greater than leisure time and hobbies and never having to watch Teletubbies. I want to live a life full of struggle if the reward for that struggle is that I held these children, I loved these children, I got to tell these children about peace and joy, and a man named Jesus.
I want my life to reach beyond me.
Showing posts with label "Those wonderful moments". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "Those wonderful moments". Show all posts
Friday, June 03, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The church I went to Sunday...
***Keep in mind while you read this that I believe I am entirely responsible for my actions and my worship. Regardless of what you do or how you do it, I will still answer for what I do and how I do it. I'm not putting everything off on the church because, well, a lot of people went to the same church I did Sunday and didn't have the same experience I did.***
***PS, for those that don't know - I'm Pentecostal. If you're not pentecostal or believe in the filling of the Holy Spirit with speaking in tongues then this post might seem... odd to you. You might even worry that I was disruptive. Don't worry. I worried about that enough for the entire world. But, in a Spirit Filled church, my actions should have been considered nothing out of the ordinary.***
Dear churches,
I had an amazing time during the worship service this past Sunday.
And I want to tell you some of the things that helped. I’m not saying that you have to do these things, I’m not saying you’re wrong not to do these things, and I’m not saying… anything… except that all these things combined with the presence of the Holy Spirit and my willingness to step out of my pew created an amazing experience.
The church I went to Sunday put the song on the wall. My hands weren’t full of papers, or books. All I had to do was look up. I can’t raise my hands if my hands are full cause I’d look real silly.
The church I went to Sunday sang hymns off the wall but didn't feel required to sing each verse.
The church I went to Sunday sang choruses off the wall.
The church I went to Sunday repeated choruses and the choruses of hymns as they felt the Spirit of God lead them.
The church I went to Sunday, quite obviously, attempted to have a time of worship, rather than a “song service” (please tell me you see the difference?)
I walked from my little hidey-hole at the back of the church to the front of the church – directly in front of the stinking platform (but off to the side as much as I could convince God was ok) and I worshipped there. I’d say I sang there, but I didn’t sing much. I shook. I spoke in tongues. I spoke praises to God and every once in awhile if I could get my breath - I sang.
The only thing that I cared about at that exact moment was worship. Not singing. And that’s because the person leading the singing, well, he was worshipping too. He just had to sing more of his worship than I did.
So dear churches, you do whatever you like. I don’t even mean anything positive or negative for you. I’m just telling you how I worship. If you want me to sing, by all means sing. But if you want me to worship, then don’t just sing a song.
But I will tell you this; I’ve never come back from singing a song service awestruck. I left that service wanting more. I left that service hoping for the same experience if not a greater one next Sunday. I left there longing for more of God.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Gods response to repentance.
So I repented.
I told God I couldn't handle the stress, and worrying about it. I told Him that I couldn't fix or change, or better the situation at all. Only God could make it workable. I told Him I needed His help, I needed His wisdom, I needed His peace, I needed Him.
That was Sunday.
Monday morning I went in to work to find an e-mail from my boss waiting for me. She is starting the process to make me a permanent employee. She's starting this process more than 2 weeks early, so it might hopefully be accomplished near my 90 day mark.
Others have waited months past their 90 days to get this notice. The girl I hired with didn't get this notice. I got this notice.
Monday night, my heart had completely changed towards a house that I hated. I called them up to see if I could look at it, they made special arrangements for me (including giving me the code to the lockbox so I could let myself in - which in San Antonio isn't something that's usually even considered according to my co-workers who were in shock).
I looked at the house, deemed it not only good, but really nice.
So today I called them and asked them to take $50 off the rent. After some consideration, they said no, but gave me the information that they cover the water/sewage bill. Something that accounts for pretty much $50.
They aren't going to charge me the application fee.
I don't even have to apply since they'd received my application for the house I'm currently living in.
It's May 26th, and they are going to hold the house until July 1st for no additional fees.
So Sunday I went from scared about the future to leaving it in Gods hands.
It's now Wednesday, and I have a house, and a job.
To say I'm humbled is putting it mildly. Gods hands are where this should have been the whole time. I can't tell you how wonderful He is. But you can sure imagine from stories like this.
He's more than wonderful.
I told God I couldn't handle the stress, and worrying about it. I told Him that I couldn't fix or change, or better the situation at all. Only God could make it workable. I told Him I needed His help, I needed His wisdom, I needed His peace, I needed Him.
That was Sunday.
Monday morning I went in to work to find an e-mail from my boss waiting for me. She is starting the process to make me a permanent employee. She's starting this process more than 2 weeks early, so it might hopefully be accomplished near my 90 day mark.
Others have waited months past their 90 days to get this notice. The girl I hired with didn't get this notice. I got this notice.
Monday night, my heart had completely changed towards a house that I hated. I called them up to see if I could look at it, they made special arrangements for me (including giving me the code to the lockbox so I could let myself in - which in San Antonio isn't something that's usually even considered according to my co-workers who were in shock).
I looked at the house, deemed it not only good, but really nice.
So today I called them and asked them to take $50 off the rent. After some consideration, they said no, but gave me the information that they cover the water/sewage bill. Something that accounts for pretty much $50.
They aren't going to charge me the application fee.
I don't even have to apply since they'd received my application for the house I'm currently living in.
It's May 26th, and they are going to hold the house until July 1st for no additional fees.
So Sunday I went from scared about the future to leaving it in Gods hands.
It's now Wednesday, and I have a house, and a job.
To say I'm humbled is putting it mildly. Gods hands are where this should have been the whole time. I can't tell you how wonderful He is. But you can sure imagine from stories like this.
He's more than wonderful.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Getting up again for a miracle.
It's my favorite Bible story of all time: The pool of Bethesda.
It's sparked my favorite posts that I've ever written; like Trouble The Waters, and Trouble The Waters 2.
And now it's sparking this one.
But as I was reading this this time - it stirred something different in me.
So, just to warm us all up and refresh our memories I'd like to repeat the story.
Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.
And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The impotent man answered him, "Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming another steppeth down before me."
Jesus saith unto him, "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."
And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked: and on the same day was the sabbath.
I could keep going, because there is a little bit more to the story than that, but that is a good stopping place and still gives you the story.
What gripped me about the story is that the man is still going down. "while I am coming" he said, another stepped down before him. He didn't say that another would get there before him, so there was no point in trying. He said "while I am coming" even as he feared it was futile.
To add to that is the simple fact that this isn't a daily occurrence. It says the angel came at "a certain season". Let's just say for illustrations sake that it's talking about natures seasons and call it 4 times a year that the angel comes. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, I'm making up a number to just illustrate, I haven't been able to find any writings with anything more than a suggestion of one possibility.)
But even if it were 4 times a year, that gives you 3 months in between each failure to tell yourself that there isn't any point of even going to sit on one of the porches, much less getting up and trying to get in the pool before anyone else.
Trust me, after 3 months of telling myself it was pointless, there was no way I'd get there in time, I wouldn't disappoint myself by going back to the pool. I just wouldn't.
But here he is, for who knows how many years, season after season, knowing "while I am coming another steppeth down before me", he still comes.
For me, this fit into a struggle I'm facing.
I'm tired of trying church after church, being disappointed, and frustrated. I'm let down that after all these months in San Antonio I have yet to find a truly good church that can be my home. Last Sunday I went to a Baptist church, but it took every last bit of effort I had to make myself go. I had to bribe the kids to get them to go, and then rewarded them even further afterwards because the experience was so awful.
Every Sunday I struggle to make myself go. I don't want to get up. It's not going to be a good church. I'll leave even more disappointed with Christian-kind. It will make it that much harder to go next week. "While I am coming, another steppeth down before me."
But he kept stepping. For however many seasons, however many years, he still came down.
For me it's finding a church, for you it could be anything that you're tempted to admit defeat on. Anything you can see that it's obvious your desire won't come true. Anything that tells you it's too hard, you're not strong enough to succeed, someone else will get it instead of you. You know what it is because the minute I started this paragraph you started thinking about and wondering if there is any point in hoping for it.
So get up. Be a person who "yet comes". Because the miracle worker appears when you least expect it.
And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked; and on the same day was the sabbath.
It's sparked my favorite posts that I've ever written; like Trouble The Waters, and Trouble The Waters 2.
And now it's sparking this one.
But as I was reading this this time - it stirred something different in me.
So, just to warm us all up and refresh our memories I'd like to repeat the story.
Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.
And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The impotent man answered him, "Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming another steppeth down before me."
Jesus saith unto him, "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."
And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked: and on the same day was the sabbath.
I could keep going, because there is a little bit more to the story than that, but that is a good stopping place and still gives you the story.
What gripped me about the story is that the man is still going down. "while I am coming" he said, another stepped down before him. He didn't say that another would get there before him, so there was no point in trying. He said "while I am coming" even as he feared it was futile.
To add to that is the simple fact that this isn't a daily occurrence. It says the angel came at "a certain season". Let's just say for illustrations sake that it's talking about natures seasons and call it 4 times a year that the angel comes. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, I'm making up a number to just illustrate, I haven't been able to find any writings with anything more than a suggestion of one possibility.)
But even if it were 4 times a year, that gives you 3 months in between each failure to tell yourself that there isn't any point of even going to sit on one of the porches, much less getting up and trying to get in the pool before anyone else.
Trust me, after 3 months of telling myself it was pointless, there was no way I'd get there in time, I wouldn't disappoint myself by going back to the pool. I just wouldn't.
But here he is, for who knows how many years, season after season, knowing "while I am coming another steppeth down before me", he still comes.
For me, this fit into a struggle I'm facing.
I'm tired of trying church after church, being disappointed, and frustrated. I'm let down that after all these months in San Antonio I have yet to find a truly good church that can be my home. Last Sunday I went to a Baptist church, but it took every last bit of effort I had to make myself go. I had to bribe the kids to get them to go, and then rewarded them even further afterwards because the experience was so awful.
Every Sunday I struggle to make myself go. I don't want to get up. It's not going to be a good church. I'll leave even more disappointed with Christian-kind. It will make it that much harder to go next week. "While I am coming, another steppeth down before me."
But he kept stepping. For however many seasons, however many years, he still came down.
For me it's finding a church, for you it could be anything that you're tempted to admit defeat on. Anything you can see that it's obvious your desire won't come true. Anything that tells you it's too hard, you're not strong enough to succeed, someone else will get it instead of you. You know what it is because the minute I started this paragraph you started thinking about and wondering if there is any point in hoping for it.
So get up. Be a person who "yet comes". Because the miracle worker appears when you least expect it.
And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked; and on the same day was the sabbath.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Lord I'm amazed by You
I can't praise Him enough.
You think I'm kidding, or trying to sound righteous. I don't worry too much about sounding righteous anymore, I realized how foolish that was since anyone that knows me... well, let's just say they know the truth. :)
But I'm not kidding either.
I just can't praise Him enough.
I've never been so poor, so backed up, so uncertain about tomorrows...
I've never been so grateful, so hopeful, so excited, so overwhelmed with gratitude.
My commute to work is filled with worship that just isn't enough. I'm probably going to die on the 410 loop one day just because the curve is a little sharp to take it with one hand raised and tears blurring your vision. I cannot thank Him enough.
There was a debate at lunch today, as someone made the assertion that God doesn't love poor people. Otherwise they wouldn't be poor. And, as a poor person I was frustrated at what a ridiculous assertion that is. And then my heart was broken as I realized, the person making that assertion was poor. And with every struggle to pay bills, with every thought of how something was out of his ability to afford it, I wondered if he wasn't clouded with doubt concerning Gods amazing love.
It's no wonder my experience as a poor person is vastly different from his. I can hardly breathe sometimes as I write out my bills as I realize that yet again, yet again, yet again, yet again, God has provided. He has provided me an abundance, exceedingly and abundantly beyond. I'm sitting here aching to do something for Him because He's done so much. The greatest of which is simply the greater closeness with Him. I find myself in His presence, shaken and stirred, moved and broken, but more often than not I'm just utterly joyful.
I've found healing in Him that is unimaginable to me. My prayers, sincere and earnest used to come from a broken section of my life that caused more hurt and worry and fear; and now all of that is replaced with adoration and joy and trust and hope. I never used to smile in prayer, if I did it was rare. Now it's rare find me in worship without that stupid smile stretching my cheeks.
I just can't thank Him enough. I can't praise Him enough.
I'd give anything to change the hearts around me. To somehow clear their minds of the lack so that they could finally see the overwhelming abundance. At the same time I wonder if God didn't make them with such a perspective just so they would push to something God has for them. But I also worry they'll receive what it is God had in store for them and with blinded eyes they'll keep looking for something more.
Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have - I wish with all my heart that I could simply give it away to those without, to those suffering from guilt and shame, to those struggling with anger, to those struggling with a feeling of inadequacy to those who simply can't see how great is His love for us. But I can only type it, I can only say it, I can only offer humbly that Jesus Christ LOVES you. He loves you so much, YOU, that He died, He offered His life as sacrifice for YOU, because He was not willing that ANY should perish. Not ONE. And if you ever stop and simply walk into the embrace of that love I can promise you that the things of this earth do grow strangely dim, less important, and the constant ever growing current of His amazing LOVE and MERCY in your life will leave you speechless. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.
He's offering you something that moth and rust can't corrupt. But don't look to see His love in monetary ways first. Dig into the Spiritual gifts, rather than the physical ones. You'll be amazed at what happens.
I gave Him me (not without a few difficulties and the occasional cries of "take back") but the rewards of what I received in return have been more than wonderful.
Lord I'm amazed by You and how You love me.
To sign off this post, I thought I'd include a snippet of our song service today. It's very fitting for this post. Enjoy!
You think I'm kidding, or trying to sound righteous. I don't worry too much about sounding righteous anymore, I realized how foolish that was since anyone that knows me... well, let's just say they know the truth. :)
But I'm not kidding either.
I just can't praise Him enough.
I've never been so poor, so backed up, so uncertain about tomorrows...
I've never been so grateful, so hopeful, so excited, so overwhelmed with gratitude.
My commute to work is filled with worship that just isn't enough. I'm probably going to die on the 410 loop one day just because the curve is a little sharp to take it with one hand raised and tears blurring your vision. I cannot thank Him enough.
There was a debate at lunch today, as someone made the assertion that God doesn't love poor people. Otherwise they wouldn't be poor. And, as a poor person I was frustrated at what a ridiculous assertion that is. And then my heart was broken as I realized, the person making that assertion was poor. And with every struggle to pay bills, with every thought of how something was out of his ability to afford it, I wondered if he wasn't clouded with doubt concerning Gods amazing love.
It's no wonder my experience as a poor person is vastly different from his. I can hardly breathe sometimes as I write out my bills as I realize that yet again, yet again, yet again, yet again, God has provided. He has provided me an abundance, exceedingly and abundantly beyond. I'm sitting here aching to do something for Him because He's done so much. The greatest of which is simply the greater closeness with Him. I find myself in His presence, shaken and stirred, moved and broken, but more often than not I'm just utterly joyful.
I've found healing in Him that is unimaginable to me. My prayers, sincere and earnest used to come from a broken section of my life that caused more hurt and worry and fear; and now all of that is replaced with adoration and joy and trust and hope. I never used to smile in prayer, if I did it was rare. Now it's rare find me in worship without that stupid smile stretching my cheeks.
I just can't thank Him enough. I can't praise Him enough.
I'd give anything to change the hearts around me. To somehow clear their minds of the lack so that they could finally see the overwhelming abundance. At the same time I wonder if God didn't make them with such a perspective just so they would push to something God has for them. But I also worry they'll receive what it is God had in store for them and with blinded eyes they'll keep looking for something more.
Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have - I wish with all my heart that I could simply give it away to those without, to those suffering from guilt and shame, to those struggling with anger, to those struggling with a feeling of inadequacy to those who simply can't see how great is His love for us. But I can only type it, I can only say it, I can only offer humbly that Jesus Christ LOVES you. He loves you so much, YOU, that He died, He offered His life as sacrifice for YOU, because He was not willing that ANY should perish. Not ONE. And if you ever stop and simply walk into the embrace of that love I can promise you that the things of this earth do grow strangely dim, less important, and the constant ever growing current of His amazing LOVE and MERCY in your life will leave you speechless. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.
He's offering you something that moth and rust can't corrupt. But don't look to see His love in monetary ways first. Dig into the Spiritual gifts, rather than the physical ones. You'll be amazed at what happens.
I gave Him me (not without a few difficulties and the occasional cries of "take back") but the rewards of what I received in return have been more than wonderful.
Lord I'm amazed by You and how You love me.
To sign off this post, I thought I'd include a snippet of our song service today. It's very fitting for this post. Enjoy!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2010
We made it.
I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.
I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.
I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.
But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.
Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.
My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.
The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.
It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.
That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.
Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.
May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.
God bless you. And happy New Year.
I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.
I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.
I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.
But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.
Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.
My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.
The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.
It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.
That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.
Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.
May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.
God bless you. And happy New Year.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Me? Do THAT? pshhhaaa Yeah right.
I go back to the kitchen. Rebecca is stirring the dough having added the flour, the baking powder, the eggs and the vanilla. Tears cruise down her face. I take the wooden spoon and bowl from her and stir. (No need to put the dough in jeopardy.) "Sit down."
Miraculously, she obeys me, blows her nose on a napkin. "I'm sorry. It's just that everything comes easy for you. Everyone likes you, you have a purpose here that is important and even Matthew respects you."
I look around to pinpoint the person to whom she is referring.
from "Everythings coming up Josey"
If you told me you went jogging this morning - I would give you the look. It's that special look that says you apparently do these things because God created you capable of doing these things and He did not create me with such capabilities.
I never imagined being on the receiving end of those looks. But since I've moved to San Antonio I've seen them more and more often as I sit at lunch dutifully eating my snack size broccoli 'n cheese and responding that yes I have been working out lately.
A lady next to me at work said she needed to exercise too, so I suggested she start with doing one crunch. One crunch. And she looked at me like I'd lost my mind. She told me she was a mother so she didn't have time for that.
I know every time I saw the commercials inbetween my favorite episodes of NCIS, those thin ladies showing how they'd lost weight always made me roll my eyes. Obviously they lost weight because they're them. I'm me. It doesn't work that way for me.
Until I became - no, not a thin person - but one that was losing weight. And I realized that all those ladies did was decide they were going to do something and then stick to it.
And before you click away, this post isn't really about weight loss.
Because you see, I've met a lot of talented people in my life. I've read books from people that I could only sit and drool over the idea that I might have as close a walk with God, that God might talk to me like He does with them. I listen to people talk about reading the Bible certain numbers of times and how many verses they've got memorized and again... here I go rolling my eyes. They do that because they're them. I'm me. It just doesn't work that way for me.
But just the same as weight loss, or anything else - if you decide it's something you really want and you go after it - typically you find it. I can't change my weight, obviously, but I can change my eating habits, and exercise habits.
I can't change my walk with God but I can change my prayer habits, and my reading habits.
God always takes care of the rest.
It's easier not to try; to announce I'm too old, too young, too busy, not strong enough, too poor, too shy, too sinful, too __________. Then you don't have to worry about failing.
But if I listened to the devils lies about what I am, or what I'm not and let that keep me from trying then I'd be 50 lbs heavier living in Gainesville, Tx close to my family where life was "safe". I would probably still be sitting on the floor of my two bedroom rental accepting the fact that God was for other people, but not for me.
But a lot has changed in nearly 8 years. The biggest change is that I know nothing, nothing is impossible or simply meant for other people.
So next time you roll your eyes at that other person that has achieved something you wish you could - let me tell you something. It didn't happen to that other person by magic. It happened with a lot of hard work, sweat, frustration, feeling not up to the challenge, and saying "No" to themselves when they wanted to say a wholehearted "YES!" They're not special. They're just determined.
In just a couple of weeks we're going to come to a new year and a lot of people are going to make resolutions about what kind of person they want to be in 2010. So when you make your list this year, and when I make mine I hope we both remember this post. New Years resolutions aren't about what you'd like some magical fairy to transform you into. They're about changes you're willing to implement in your life.
Don't ever let the devil win. Cause let me tell you, 50 lbs lighter, in San Antonio, walking with God closer than I ever have before.... well,.... it feels pretty amazing.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
I'm home alone this Thanksgiving, and sitting here so happy and blessed I can hardly contain myself. I realize how different life is when you know Christ. Today, I do not take my joy for granted. I know too many others have spent the day alone discouraged, and miserable, broken, and lonely.
But because of Christ I've spent this day alone less alone than I've ever been before.
I had a wonderful day. I'm so thankful that He loves me. Simple as that.
I hope your Thanksgiving was more special than ever before.
God bless.
But because of Christ I've spent this day alone less alone than I've ever been before.
I had a wonderful day. I'm so thankful that He loves me. Simple as that.
I hope your Thanksgiving was more special than ever before.
God bless.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Growing...
I don't know what someone else would get from this... but I just have to write this to document what God is doing in me.
Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.
Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.
No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".
Go.
God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.
Go.
God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.
And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."
And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.
Get me there God, somehow.
And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.
I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.
God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.
As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:
HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)
Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence
Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed
Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You
Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.
Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.
No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".
Go.
God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.
Go.
God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.
And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."
And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.
Get me there God, somehow.
And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.
I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.
God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.
As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:
HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)
Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence
Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed
Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You
Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
I can't wait to go back.
I worried about going to Mexico this time. My mind remembers it as crowded, with people on every side of you trying to get your attention. It can easily be overwhelming. The sidewalks are full of carts of things, and people trying to hawk them to you. Men, lots of men, everywhere, calling out to you, trying to sell you on a multitude of various items. If you act interested in any of them, you are promptly taken by the arm and walked to their building.
It's probably these few brief visits that have taught me the most about boldness and standing up for myself. I learned to know what I'm there for and not be afraid to dig for it - refusing to be distracted.
Then, and only then, do I allow myself the freedom to wander slowly down the aisles of a nearby marketplace, enjoying the unique beauty of the strange items so similar but different to our own stores. To lose focus and simply enjoy the strangeness of the culture around me.
It's in those moments that I wonder why I feared coming here. The beauty and culture, the very life of these people around me is so overwhelmingly powerful in a good way. These streets seem to have a story to tell of so many people walking down these roads, or of those natives who sit on these roads day in and day out struggling to make money for their families to eat.
This place has a life of it's very own - I can't wait to go back.
~~~~
I worry about reading my Bible. My mind remembers it as crowded with information on every side vying for my attention. It can easily be overwhelming. The chapters are full of things, words with strange meanings, or secondary meanings just trying to get me to to show interest. Words, thoughts, ideas, questions, all calling out to me trying to sell me on multiple opinions or doctrines. If I act interested in one item I'm promptly paraded past verse after verse drawn away from my original search and led down paths that I never intended to to wander down.
It's probably in my many visits there, that I have learned focus, and boldness and the ability to discipline myself. I learned to know what I'm there for and not be afraid to dig for it - refusing to be distracted.
Then, and only then, do I allow myself the freedom to wander slowly through the pages, and verses that lead me down unusual paths. To enjoy lives, hearts and words so similar and yet so very different from my own. To lose focus and simply enjoy the strangeness of the culture within.
It's in those moments that I wonder why I worried about reading this Book. It is vast and valuable, so unique and immeasurable in the very life of it somehow these inanimate pages have a life all their own. I can't wait to go back.
It's probably these few brief visits that have taught me the most about boldness and standing up for myself. I learned to know what I'm there for and not be afraid to dig for it - refusing to be distracted.
Then, and only then, do I allow myself the freedom to wander slowly down the aisles of a nearby marketplace, enjoying the unique beauty of the strange items so similar but different to our own stores. To lose focus and simply enjoy the strangeness of the culture around me.
It's in those moments that I wonder why I feared coming here. The beauty and culture, the very life of these people around me is so overwhelmingly powerful in a good way. These streets seem to have a story to tell of so many people walking down these roads, or of those natives who sit on these roads day in and day out struggling to make money for their families to eat.
This place has a life of it's very own - I can't wait to go back.
~~~~
I worry about reading my Bible. My mind remembers it as crowded with information on every side vying for my attention. It can easily be overwhelming. The chapters are full of things, words with strange meanings, or secondary meanings just trying to get me to to show interest. Words, thoughts, ideas, questions, all calling out to me trying to sell me on multiple opinions or doctrines. If I act interested in one item I'm promptly paraded past verse after verse drawn away from my original search and led down paths that I never intended to to wander down.
It's probably in my many visits there, that I have learned focus, and boldness and the ability to discipline myself. I learned to know what I'm there for and not be afraid to dig for it - refusing to be distracted.
Then, and only then, do I allow myself the freedom to wander slowly through the pages, and verses that lead me down unusual paths. To enjoy lives, hearts and words so similar and yet so very different from my own. To lose focus and simply enjoy the strangeness of the culture within.
It's in those moments that I wonder why I worried about reading this Book. It is vast and valuable, so unique and immeasurable in the very life of it somehow these inanimate pages have a life all their own. I can't wait to go back.
Monday, May 25, 2009
I will not fear and obey.
I'm not worried. I'm not upset. I've had moments when I suddenly realize I'm anxious and immediately remind myself that I really do believe that God is in control and while I'm anxious to know how it will all turn out now rather than later - my reminders so far about how much I really trust His control in this situation are still working perfectly.
Perfectly.
I can't tell you how refreshing this is. These last couple of weeks - peace is almost a tangible thing. My face, look at it, it's smiling and I don't know how good a faker I am anymore but whatever smiles you've been seeing weren't the real ones in the last couple of years. This one, this easy one that is beaming out of my eyes - that one is real.
And Jeanette looked at it and said, "It is good."
I don't know how it's all going to end up. But I do know that God is in it, and I trust Him to handle it. Trust is a beautiful thing.
I wrote about trusting before, even wrote specifically about "Trust and Obey" and how you can't just tell yourself to trust. Trusting is a condition of the heart. You can perform the actions of trust, by falling backwards and waiting for someone to catch you, but that just means you're able to obey despite the lack of trust.
I think I can obey despite the trust. I think the whole two years of foster parenting has proven that. But today, in these situations I'm in now - I'm happy to say I'm resting in my trust. Rest, relax, refresh, I'm happy and calm. Because I really do trust Him in this situation.
But we never can prove
The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows,
And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.
I feel like I'm gloating. Because if there were anything I would like to write down right now it would be a recipe for how to trust like this. Because I could have used such a recipe to get me through the last several years in a far more dignified manner.
But I don't know. I don't know why I can trust today and a year ago I was losing my mind. I don't know why I'm sitting here with such a sweet peace right now. I don't know how to tell you to get it.
But I love that I've got it now.
And I don't want to let it go.
And you can't make me. :)
Perfectly.
I can't tell you how refreshing this is. These last couple of weeks - peace is almost a tangible thing. My face, look at it, it's smiling and I don't know how good a faker I am anymore but whatever smiles you've been seeing weren't the real ones in the last couple of years. This one, this easy one that is beaming out of my eyes - that one is real.
And Jeanette looked at it and said, "It is good."
I don't know how it's all going to end up. But I do know that God is in it, and I trust Him to handle it. Trust is a beautiful thing.
I wrote about trusting before, even wrote specifically about "Trust and Obey" and how you can't just tell yourself to trust. Trusting is a condition of the heart. You can perform the actions of trust, by falling backwards and waiting for someone to catch you, but that just means you're able to obey despite the lack of trust.
I think I can obey despite the trust. I think the whole two years of foster parenting has proven that. But today, in these situations I'm in now - I'm happy to say I'm resting in my trust. Rest, relax, refresh, I'm happy and calm. Because I really do trust Him in this situation.
But we never can prove
The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows,
And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.
I feel like I'm gloating. Because if there were anything I would like to write down right now it would be a recipe for how to trust like this. Because I could have used such a recipe to get me through the last several years in a far more dignified manner.
But I don't know. I don't know why I can trust today and a year ago I was losing my mind. I don't know why I'm sitting here with such a sweet peace right now. I don't know how to tell you to get it.
But I love that I've got it now.
And I don't want to let it go.
And you can't make me. :)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Consolation prizes.
So at church today, I was given a little send off. I got a plaque, the kids and I all got t-shirts, though best of all we were prayed for.
On my way back to my seat I made some stupid joke about how I'd been to church and gotten the t-shirt (been there, done that, got the t-shirt)...but I realized something.
While the gifts were sweet, (I'm wearing the t-shirt now, and the plaque really is beautiful) and while I really do understand the gesture, they felt like parting gifts.
We've all seen the losers on Family Feud go home with the play-at-home game, while the winners leave with $12,682 in cash and prizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Parting gifts are supposed to be a consolation prize. It's a way of saying "We're sorry you didn't win, but you won't leave with nothing here, take this lovely parting gift."
Every church I've been to holds the strangest collection of people you'll ever meet. And while there are usually some that I'm sorry to have known - and it's a miracle that I can say this - but... this church holds none of them. They were all right there, at the perfect time in my life for me to meet them. And I learned so much.
From Sister Duncan, I was given the opportunity to play for my mother. No, she's not my mother, but she sings all my mothers songs. Mom has alzheimers and has officially quit singing - so every time I got to play for her was a special treasure. Thank you.
From Sister Norma I learned about poise and grace. I wish I were half the woman she is - and yet she's the one thing my boisterous heart will probably never grow up to be. I'd swear she's regal. When she speaks, I listen. Because what she says is important. I'll never forget that kind of graciousness.
From Brother Grover I learned to appreciate that someone would walk all the way across the building just to hug me. He's a man that accepts people. And he somehow does it in a way that doesn't make you feel like he's accepting you despite something.
From him and his wife I was honored to watch a really beautiful marriage. While I'm sure it may have it's difficulties, I never once saw them. It is pleasant to watch.
From Johnny I learned the peaceful openness of sharing your past and your progress. He came to church one day not even all that long ago and found something of value and did not keep it to himself. Two people accepted Christ today because of that. He put me to shame. I'm so proud.
From Sister Moselle (yeah, I probably spelled her name wrong) she taught me the most incredible lesson on worship as she led us so many times with tears running down her face.
From another that I won't name, I learned forgiveness. I learned the hard way, but I did learn it. And I certainly didn't deserve it.
From Sister Cherry, I learned bull-headed determination. I know few people that deserve to sit down and cry as much as she does. And yet she rarely does. And when she does cry, she still just gets up, deals with her family and goes back to work. I'm impressed and overwhelmed by her at the same time. She's strong. The idea that she disapproves of my move eats me up. Her opinion is important. I doubt she realizes it. Only the changes wrought by the last 3 years are what allow me to not be ashamed or doubt my decisions just because of her approval.
From David and Liberty I learned something about what I can only briefly call "in-your-face-edness". These are the people who say they care about you, and yet don't stay in touch, yet somehow they are so bold in their care of you that you know that if you ever needed them, you could call them and they'd drain the river to get to you if necessary. They're over the top.
There are others I haven't listed still that have given so much to me.
And that's why, this morning, clutching my plaque and t-shirt I wondered why I was holding parting gifts. Didn't they know I'd won? Didn't they see the prizes, and the valuables I was walking away with today? Didn't they see I'd gained so much?
And so, probably for the first time ever, I wish they could read my blog. Every last one of them. I'd tack this post to the door of the church if I thought they would all see it. I wish they could hear my heart yelling "I WON!" And I wish they knew how they were responsible for so much of it. I wish they could see the change in my heart from 3 years ago. I wish they could see how grateful I am that they allowed me to play their piano, to teach their children, to talk to them, to sit under their teaching, and even the privilege to sit next to them as they talked to one another.
I won.
On my way back to my seat I made some stupid joke about how I'd been to church and gotten the t-shirt (been there, done that, got the t-shirt)...but I realized something.
While the gifts were sweet, (I'm wearing the t-shirt now, and the plaque really is beautiful) and while I really do understand the gesture, they felt like parting gifts.
We've all seen the losers on Family Feud go home with the play-at-home game, while the winners leave with $12,682 in cash and prizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Parting gifts are supposed to be a consolation prize. It's a way of saying "We're sorry you didn't win, but you won't leave with nothing here, take this lovely parting gift."
Every church I've been to holds the strangest collection of people you'll ever meet. And while there are usually some that I'm sorry to have known - and it's a miracle that I can say this - but... this church holds none of them. They were all right there, at the perfect time in my life for me to meet them. And I learned so much.
From Sister Duncan, I was given the opportunity to play for my mother. No, she's not my mother, but she sings all my mothers songs. Mom has alzheimers and has officially quit singing - so every time I got to play for her was a special treasure. Thank you.
From Sister Norma I learned about poise and grace. I wish I were half the woman she is - and yet she's the one thing my boisterous heart will probably never grow up to be. I'd swear she's regal. When she speaks, I listen. Because what she says is important. I'll never forget that kind of graciousness.
From Brother Grover I learned to appreciate that someone would walk all the way across the building just to hug me. He's a man that accepts people. And he somehow does it in a way that doesn't make you feel like he's accepting you despite something.
From him and his wife I was honored to watch a really beautiful marriage. While I'm sure it may have it's difficulties, I never once saw them. It is pleasant to watch.
From Johnny I learned the peaceful openness of sharing your past and your progress. He came to church one day not even all that long ago and found something of value and did not keep it to himself. Two people accepted Christ today because of that. He put me to shame. I'm so proud.
From Sister Moselle (yeah, I probably spelled her name wrong) she taught me the most incredible lesson on worship as she led us so many times with tears running down her face.
From another that I won't name, I learned forgiveness. I learned the hard way, but I did learn it. And I certainly didn't deserve it.
From Sister Cherry, I learned bull-headed determination. I know few people that deserve to sit down and cry as much as she does. And yet she rarely does. And when she does cry, she still just gets up, deals with her family and goes back to work. I'm impressed and overwhelmed by her at the same time. She's strong. The idea that she disapproves of my move eats me up. Her opinion is important. I doubt she realizes it. Only the changes wrought by the last 3 years are what allow me to not be ashamed or doubt my decisions just because of her approval.
From David and Liberty I learned something about what I can only briefly call "in-your-face-edness". These are the people who say they care about you, and yet don't stay in touch, yet somehow they are so bold in their care of you that you know that if you ever needed them, you could call them and they'd drain the river to get to you if necessary. They're over the top.
There are others I haven't listed still that have given so much to me.
And that's why, this morning, clutching my plaque and t-shirt I wondered why I was holding parting gifts. Didn't they know I'd won? Didn't they see the prizes, and the valuables I was walking away with today? Didn't they see I'd gained so much?
And so, probably for the first time ever, I wish they could read my blog. Every last one of them. I'd tack this post to the door of the church if I thought they would all see it. I wish they could hear my heart yelling "I WON!" And I wish they knew how they were responsible for so much of it. I wish they could see the change in my heart from 3 years ago. I wish they could see how grateful I am that they allowed me to play their piano, to teach their children, to talk to them, to sit under their teaching, and even the privilege to sit next to them as they talked to one another.
I won.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
God can use anything better than you.
GO read Nancy's post. I loved this growing up but I've never seen it done the way she did it.
It'll take two seconds. Seriously. GO.
A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G
It'll take two seconds. Seriously. GO.
A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G
Monday, November 03, 2008
The power of "Oh"
In Sunday School class yesterday, we began looking at Colossians 3. One of the kids happens to be in the process of writing out this chapter 500 times (I'm so glad my parents never considered this punishment!). So I figured this was a pretty good time for us to look at it and figure out what it means. Hopefully, by doing this at #9, the words will mean even more to him by #472.
So we were talking about the old man, and him dying. And next week we're going to start on the new guy... but in talking about the old man I mentioned my old analogy of it being a real person, only this time I was clumsily trying to figure out how to make this analogy work for kids ranging from ages 7 - 16.
So our 'best friend' died. Our best friend liked certain types of movies, our best friend liked to smoke, our best friend liked to read dirty books. Then our best friend died. But we still went to the store and bought his favorite books, and we read them. Then we stopped at the theatre, saw a movie he would have enjoyed, and we went in and watched it.
I have to tell you, the effort was clumsy.
But I finished this clumsy analogy, and I had 4 kids staring at me (the 5th was so young I'm pretty sure it didn't sink in), and then one of the older ones said 'Ohhh."
And it was just as clear as a bell that at least that one had really gotten it. The others looked like they'd gotten it as well. But that one, softly spoken 'ohhh' really hit me.
Sometimes it's just the greatest blessing to know that your clumsiest efforts can be used by God. Sure it'd be nice to be one of those teachers that can explain things in the absolutely best ways so kids understand, and not only understand but get excited about them. But I'm not one of those. Teaching, most definitely, is not one of my giftings!
One of the things that my mom used to say was that God doesn't always call the qualified, but He qualifies the called. The quality, in these lessons is certainly not with the teacher. But God is able to do something with these things. When my best isn't good enough, or when I just downright fail to communicate my point, God can still use my words, and my efforts.
It'd be great to be a good teacher, but it's not about that.
It's about the God, who was able to feed 5,000 with just a few fishes, being able to feed 5, with 45 minutes of my less than talented teaching.
It's also not about me not being good enough. But about God being more than enough.
As I've stumbled through the last months, I've come to realize that God could easily be working on my pride right now. It's easy for me to focus on how religious I know how to be. But Gods working in me something that I can't fake my way through. Any dope can learn to play the piano and play for church.
But when you open your mouth to teach kids... that's when people, the most impressionable people in the world, are going to see what you're really made of.
Also, that "ohh" helps me know that I'm not doing this for nothing. It tells me that something is coming from the lessons, from all the words, from all the conversation. And that makes it 10 times easier to pick myself up and go it again next week.
If one little "ohh" does that much for me, I figure it can do something for someone else as well. So for all the 'ohhs' I've had the blessing of experiencing, I'm going to be working harder to remember that sometimes my preacher can't hear me go "ohh". The co-worker down the hall that has been such a great teacher for me, he's never heard my 'ohh' of understanding. All the people in my life that randomly do stuff that teaches me something more about God, and about life, and walking this walk... every once in a while, I want to make sure they hear me let them know.
Commenters, you spark something in me every time you comment. It's such a joy, a real joy to know someone read this and actually understood what I meant! I get just the right amount of comments. Because too many would give me pride issues, I'm 100% certain. But every once in a while a comment just pops up that encourages me.
And while I'm thanking people... I just want the inventor of the Lemon Berry slush from Sonic, and the creators of Wylers GRAPE kool-aid to know, that they really make rough days better, and I appreciate their contributions to my world.
That is all. :)
So we were talking about the old man, and him dying. And next week we're going to start on the new guy... but in talking about the old man I mentioned my old analogy of it being a real person, only this time I was clumsily trying to figure out how to make this analogy work for kids ranging from ages 7 - 16.
So our 'best friend' died. Our best friend liked certain types of movies, our best friend liked to smoke, our best friend liked to read dirty books. Then our best friend died. But we still went to the store and bought his favorite books, and we read them. Then we stopped at the theatre, saw a movie he would have enjoyed, and we went in and watched it.
I have to tell you, the effort was clumsy.
But I finished this clumsy analogy, and I had 4 kids staring at me (the 5th was so young I'm pretty sure it didn't sink in), and then one of the older ones said 'Ohhh."
And it was just as clear as a bell that at least that one had really gotten it. The others looked like they'd gotten it as well. But that one, softly spoken 'ohhh' really hit me.
Sometimes it's just the greatest blessing to know that your clumsiest efforts can be used by God. Sure it'd be nice to be one of those teachers that can explain things in the absolutely best ways so kids understand, and not only understand but get excited about them. But I'm not one of those. Teaching, most definitely, is not one of my giftings!
One of the things that my mom used to say was that God doesn't always call the qualified, but He qualifies the called. The quality, in these lessons is certainly not with the teacher. But God is able to do something with these things. When my best isn't good enough, or when I just downright fail to communicate my point, God can still use my words, and my efforts.
It'd be great to be a good teacher, but it's not about that.
It's about the God, who was able to feed 5,000 with just a few fishes, being able to feed 5, with 45 minutes of my less than talented teaching.
It's also not about me not being good enough. But about God being more than enough.
As I've stumbled through the last months, I've come to realize that God could easily be working on my pride right now. It's easy for me to focus on how religious I know how to be. But Gods working in me something that I can't fake my way through. Any dope can learn to play the piano and play for church.
But when you open your mouth to teach kids... that's when people, the most impressionable people in the world, are going to see what you're really made of.
Also, that "ohh" helps me know that I'm not doing this for nothing. It tells me that something is coming from the lessons, from all the words, from all the conversation. And that makes it 10 times easier to pick myself up and go it again next week.
If one little "ohh" does that much for me, I figure it can do something for someone else as well. So for all the 'ohhs' I've had the blessing of experiencing, I'm going to be working harder to remember that sometimes my preacher can't hear me go "ohh". The co-worker down the hall that has been such a great teacher for me, he's never heard my 'ohh' of understanding. All the people in my life that randomly do stuff that teaches me something more about God, and about life, and walking this walk... every once in a while, I want to make sure they hear me let them know.
Commenters, you spark something in me every time you comment. It's such a joy, a real joy to know someone read this and actually understood what I meant! I get just the right amount of comments. Because too many would give me pride issues, I'm 100% certain. But every once in a while a comment just pops up that encourages me.
And while I'm thanking people... I just want the inventor of the Lemon Berry slush from Sonic, and the creators of Wylers GRAPE kool-aid to know, that they really make rough days better, and I appreciate their contributions to my world.
That is all. :)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Seeing what God is doing...
Last night, I'd been reading in the book of John where Jesus talks about how He only does what He sees the Father doing. So tonight, after a terrific time of worship and praise, I moved into a song that suddenly turned the tide with the lyrics "Now I can go into the Holy of Holies and make my petitions known."
I took the song as movement, and began to bring my petitions to God. My petition was that I would be able to see what the Father is doing, thus I could walk in His ways and pray His works. In other words, if Jesus healed people, by doing what He saw God doing - then I want to see what God is doing, so I can speak healing to the right people at the right time, because that's what God is doing at that moment.
Now.... making what could be a very long story, very short... a little while later here is what I've seen.
Not to belittle anything that God has done, it's just not much and I don't understand it.
I know a family whose son just went through surgery for things pertaining to his back. I know the son is currently home again, and spending most of his time in bed.
Add into that, tonight after asking God to show me what He's doing, I saw someone that I knew was a representation of God, and He was standing over the bed of the young man, and He rolled him over on his right side then reached over and put His fist into the boys back.
I don't understand, and I don't know if it's possible to make sense of it. But if anyone has a gift for such a thing... feel free to comment.
As a side note to this specific situation, I'd spent awhile at the hospital Friday night just praying for the young man, and the scripture that kept coming to mind was Ephesians 3:20
Then what do you know, on Sunday a woman in church stands up saying she's got a scripture she feels led to share. Sure enough, she reads Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"
But I want you to see verse 21, just because God deserves to have the 2nd half to that.
I took the song as movement, and began to bring my petitions to God. My petition was that I would be able to see what the Father is doing, thus I could walk in His ways and pray His works. In other words, if Jesus healed people, by doing what He saw God doing - then I want to see what God is doing, so I can speak healing to the right people at the right time, because that's what God is doing at that moment.
Now.... making what could be a very long story, very short... a little while later here is what I've seen.
Not to belittle anything that God has done, it's just not much and I don't understand it.
I know a family whose son just went through surgery for things pertaining to his back. I know the son is currently home again, and spending most of his time in bed.
Add into that, tonight after asking God to show me what He's doing, I saw someone that I knew was a representation of God, and He was standing over the bed of the young man, and He rolled him over on his right side then reached over and put His fist into the boys back.
I don't understand, and I don't know if it's possible to make sense of it. But if anyone has a gift for such a thing... feel free to comment.
As a side note to this specific situation, I'd spent awhile at the hospital Friday night just praying for the young man, and the scripture that kept coming to mind was Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"
Then what do you know, on Sunday a woman in church stands up saying she's got a scripture she feels led to share. Sure enough, she reads Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,"
But I want you to see verse 21, just because God deserves to have the 2nd half to that.
20Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
21Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.
Monday, April 28, 2008
A miracle in me.
Wow.
What a night.
It seems almost wrong to write tonight, just because no words I could say would really tell the story of what happened tonight. But it was good. All those things I've been saying for the last couple of years on this blog... they're entirely true.
It's hard to like yourself. Easy to believe bad things about yourself. And really hard to fight for yourself. In one of my posts I remember writing that it's a lot easier to cry to God that you're worthless than it is to yell at the devil that you have value. And the devil certainly creamed me this time.
But tonight I suddenly had the urge to go to my piano, and I found myself singing the old Carmen song "Hunger for Holiness" and one piece of a verse goes like this:
The tempter stalks about me as a lion
Searching for the slightest scent of blood
For when the skin of my resistance is broken
He moves in swiftly to deepen the cut.
And I realized that the intial cut wasn't really all that deep. It was actually more of a scab pulled off an old wound and after months of festering and the devil at work, I found myself with a gaping, gushing, and putrid wound.
I don't know what the difference was tonight. Well I guess I do. God made the difference. I don't know what He was waiting on for me, because tonight didn't feel any different until I sang those words, and the realization of what the devil had done for the last months washed over me.
Even for all the questions that I still have, at this exact moment, I have peace about them.
One thing I do know was different tonight is when I said I needed God, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do it on my own. I couldn't will myself to be at peace. I couldn't decide I would be full of faith. And I couldn't make myself hope. When I said I needed God, I knew there wasn't any other way.
It's late, by my standards, and I've already said a lot, so I'm not going to get in too deep with this post. Especially when I can summarize things pretty easily with very few words.
I've been asking where the God of miracles is, why doesn't He do miracles today. And tonight He did a miracle in me. And while I'd love to see a mountain move, I think this qualifies as a rock moving.
What a night.
It seems almost wrong to write tonight, just because no words I could say would really tell the story of what happened tonight. But it was good. All those things I've been saying for the last couple of years on this blog... they're entirely true.
It's hard to like yourself. Easy to believe bad things about yourself. And really hard to fight for yourself. In one of my posts I remember writing that it's a lot easier to cry to God that you're worthless than it is to yell at the devil that you have value. And the devil certainly creamed me this time.
But tonight I suddenly had the urge to go to my piano, and I found myself singing the old Carmen song "Hunger for Holiness" and one piece of a verse goes like this:
The tempter stalks about me as a lion
Searching for the slightest scent of blood
For when the skin of my resistance is broken
He moves in swiftly to deepen the cut.
And I realized that the intial cut wasn't really all that deep. It was actually more of a scab pulled off an old wound and after months of festering and the devil at work, I found myself with a gaping, gushing, and putrid wound.
I don't know what the difference was tonight. Well I guess I do. God made the difference. I don't know what He was waiting on for me, because tonight didn't feel any different until I sang those words, and the realization of what the devil had done for the last months washed over me.
Even for all the questions that I still have, at this exact moment, I have peace about them.
One thing I do know was different tonight is when I said I needed God, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do it on my own. I couldn't will myself to be at peace. I couldn't decide I would be full of faith. And I couldn't make myself hope. When I said I needed God, I knew there wasn't any other way.
It's late, by my standards, and I've already said a lot, so I'm not going to get in too deep with this post. Especially when I can summarize things pretty easily with very few words.
I've been asking where the God of miracles is, why doesn't He do miracles today. And tonight He did a miracle in me. And while I'd love to see a mountain move, I think this qualifies as a rock moving.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Excuse my laundry.
I've found myself down memory lane for some reason this evening
and I'm going to write. Maybe one day this post will find it's way into my
memoirs. But my memoirs won't be about my house or demons. They'll be about God.
And that is what this post is really about.
A lot of my memories of growing up are blank. I just don't remember much. But of what is stored in my memory there is one week ranked as the most physically violent, and horrific week that we as a family endured. I think it all started when my dad discovered that a dog had wet on the seat of his 4-wheeler. I could be confusing events, but it seems like that was the start. What a pathetic start to a fight.
By the time the main ruckus was over, my mom had decided she was leaving. It was late. I don't know how late, but quite late. We drove to the nearest town and woke up an old pastor friend of my dads. I don't even remember why specifically we went to him. I just remember his office, my brother being upset, my mom trying to be strong, and the fact that my body would sometimes jerk and I couldn't make it stop. I remember the pastor telling me that it was shock and taking me by the arms and praying for me to be able to calm down.
I remember him promising to do the only thing that might possibly help. Only he never did it.
For reasons that, even as an adult, I don't understand, we returned home that night. And spent a week living in the home with my dad, packing, while mom looked for a job.
She didn't find a job and decided that was Gods direction to stay. So we did.
I always wanted to ask that pastor though, why he didn't do what he said he would. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe it would have.
From that point, I had a definite aversion to pastors. My dad was a pastor, and between him, his friend that night, and several other pastors I've seen, I've understood all too well that what is said, is not necessarily what is lived. Their church life to me was simply an act.
I understand that pastors are still human. And try not to place them into a sinless role that no one can live up to. But at the same time, I firmly believe, that before you stick the word Pastor, Shepherd, Leader in front of your name - you had better well be willing to try and live up to it. And be seriously seeking God concerning your calling, and your fulfilment of that calling. I would say the same for any person that calls themselves a Christian, but that's a different post.
Today though, I spent a couple of hours talking with my pastor. In 9 years of independent living, I've never willingly chosen to sit and talk with a pastor about a problem. But today I did. And he prayed. And as he did, a revelation of who I am in Christ returned to me. And then he reminded me of my own words about being a warrior. It's hard to describe the puzzle pieces that were clicking just then as I remembered things I had written and how they were written for days just like these days of battle. I remembered books I'd read concerning tricks of the enemy. I remembered quotes I'd tried to memorize about impossibilities and how only the naive people go after some impossibilities. And then the scriptures I've read time and time again came back to mind.
I left my pastor, a different person than when I arrived. I didn't go directly home, but spent a refreshing time praying. When I did finally walk back in the doors, I didn't even know what I was saying as specific names of spirits came out of my mouth. I rebuked spirits of lies, hate, violence, fear, and several others and they were commanded, each by their own name, to leave by the name of Jesus. I say "they were commanded" rather than "I commanded" because from the moment I walked in the door it didn't feel like 'me'.
I enjoy not feeling like 'me'.
It's not over. I still feel things in this house. And every now and then tonight I've just stopped and rebuked something and commanded it to leave. I'm glad Little One isn't any older, because she'd have some very crazy stories to tell her family during visitation.
My pastor didn't give me hope for the day. He simply prayed and I received it. God was there, just as He promised to be. And He changed my heart. He turned despair into hope, and defeat into victory. He made a way through this and He literally led the way, because I didn't walk through my doorway in my power today but His. And it made all the difference.
Still, before I left my pastor today I asked him (are you listening Mark?) I asked him and his wife to come to my house, as soon as they're able, to help. And despite my past experience, I really think they'll come. I wish my mom could have found someone like that that night. I hope every man, woman and child that picks up the phone, or walks through the doors in search of a shepherd, finds a real one. I have to say, I have little use for the fakes.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Saying it right this time.
God is gracious.
Those words never seem like enough.
God is so gracious.
I realize, too late, that I've said some things that may have given some people a misconception of what I believe to be important. And I want to clarify.
Lately, I've told you a lot about the things that I've done. How I haven't done this, or how I've gone to church, and things like that. I'm afraid that you might think I find those things to be important. I haven't expressed myself very well.
They are important things to do.
But.
They're nothing.
I walked in This Walk for several years now. Growing and learning. And I just can't tell you how wonderful God has been to me. He's changed me, redeemed me, loved me, comforted me, sheltered me, provided for me. He's given me dreams and then helped me realize them. He's given me challenges then helped me face them. I see His handiwork in every single day of my life.
He's done so much.
I've done nothing to deserve it.
I wake up now, wishing and hoping for some opportunity to please Him. Sure, He's pleased by having me submit my life to Him, but sometimes you just want to do something extra special. And I've noticed that as every day passes, my "sometimes" desire to do something special, has become an "always" desire.
Sure I can sit at home, loving God and doing His will. But I've done that. Now I want to leave my house and go find extracurricular opportunities to please Him. To bless Him. I can be a blessing to God. I find that idea to be awesome.
That's why I described all those things that I 'do' as my comfort zone. I do those things easily because I'm used to them. They don't require me to sacrifice or take a risk. I count them as virtually nothing. I don't have to prove my love for God through my actions. It's not about that. I just want to show it, for no better reason than to please a Father that has done so much for me.
That's why I want to step out of my house, step out of my normal walk, and adventurously go seeking ..... seeking what exactly I don't know. But ultimately it's a search for ways to please Him.
He's done so much for me. I can't help but sometimes feel brokenly thankful. I'm undeserving. I'm the dusty, unworthy Cinderella being swept into a life of luxury. His luxury on earth doesn't come with the plush carpets and being waited on, but it is still luxurious. Luxurious and wonderful.
Thank you Father. I just can't say it enough. Your love humbles me, Your grace changes me, and Your mercy holds me. I don't know where I would be without You, but I know it wouldn't be this wonderful place I'm at now. You're wonderful.
Those words never seem like enough.
God is so gracious.
I realize, too late, that I've said some things that may have given some people a misconception of what I believe to be important. And I want to clarify.
Lately, I've told you a lot about the things that I've done. How I haven't done this, or how I've gone to church, and things like that. I'm afraid that you might think I find those things to be important. I haven't expressed myself very well.
They are important things to do.
But.
They're nothing.
I walked in This Walk for several years now. Growing and learning. And I just can't tell you how wonderful God has been to me. He's changed me, redeemed me, loved me, comforted me, sheltered me, provided for me. He's given me dreams and then helped me realize them. He's given me challenges then helped me face them. I see His handiwork in every single day of my life.
He's done so much.
I've done nothing to deserve it.
I wake up now, wishing and hoping for some opportunity to please Him. Sure, He's pleased by having me submit my life to Him, but sometimes you just want to do something extra special. And I've noticed that as every day passes, my "sometimes" desire to do something special, has become an "always" desire.
Sure I can sit at home, loving God and doing His will. But I've done that. Now I want to leave my house and go find extracurricular opportunities to please Him. To bless Him. I can be a blessing to God. I find that idea to be awesome.
That's why I described all those things that I 'do' as my comfort zone. I do those things easily because I'm used to them. They don't require me to sacrifice or take a risk. I count them as virtually nothing. I don't have to prove my love for God through my actions. It's not about that. I just want to show it, for no better reason than to please a Father that has done so much for me.
That's why I want to step out of my house, step out of my normal walk, and adventurously go seeking ..... seeking what exactly I don't know. But ultimately it's a search for ways to please Him.
He's done so much for me. I can't help but sometimes feel brokenly thankful. I'm undeserving. I'm the dusty, unworthy Cinderella being swept into a life of luxury. His luxury on earth doesn't come with the plush carpets and being waited on, but it is still luxurious. Luxurious and wonderful.
Thank you Father. I just can't say it enough. Your love humbles me, Your grace changes me, and Your mercy holds me. I don't know where I would be without You, but I know it wouldn't be this wonderful place I'm at now. You're wonderful.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I didn't think to mention it.
I've said it to so many people. I even said it to my Pastor tonight. It was when I said it tonight that this idea hit me.
I've said it to friends after warm welcomes and fellowship. I've said it to hotel clerks and waitresses even though it's not the norm.
I've said it to my parents and family so many times.
But I've never said it to You Lord.
So I just wanted to tell You Father, Thank You for having me.
I've seen a lot of people that I would have chosen over myself if I were You. They're more patient, more kind, more successful in other things in life. It seems like they could have done so much more for You than I have. I just wiped a little girls snotty nose for You. Others would have done more. But You chose me. Thank You for having me.
I know other people more humble, more hungry for something to fill them. They would probably study Your Word more. Maybe spend more time in prayer. I haven't done enough God. But You knew what I would do before You ever chose me. And You chose me anyway. Thank You Father, for having me.
I'm so glad You called.
I've said it to friends after warm welcomes and fellowship. I've said it to hotel clerks and waitresses even though it's not the norm.
I've said it to my parents and family so many times.
But I've never said it to You Lord.
So I just wanted to tell You Father, Thank You for having me.
I've seen a lot of people that I would have chosen over myself if I were You. They're more patient, more kind, more successful in other things in life. It seems like they could have done so much more for You than I have. I just wiped a little girls snotty nose for You. Others would have done more. But You chose me. Thank You for having me.
I know other people more humble, more hungry for something to fill them. They would probably study Your Word more. Maybe spend more time in prayer. I haven't done enough God. But You knew what I would do before You ever chose me. And You chose me anyway. Thank You Father, for having me.
I'm so glad You called.
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