Testify - I saved 418 Dollars or more by switching to Jesus.

So today I went online to just check my bank balance and write a few transactions down and I discover, much to my surprise, a bunch of red ink all over my account. My paycheck had not gone into my account. I checked into it and discovered the last two digits of my account “29” had accidentally been typed “10”. The money was nowhere.

I’d also spent the weekend in Whitesboro messing with my rent house, racking up charges for people to haul away trash, clean carpet, stops for gas, stops for food, and charges to newspapers to put ads showing my property for rent.

All in all, at my last check, thanks to the paycheck not being deposited I had 11 overdraft charges of $38 each.

I had money in savings that would have easily covered it, but, not knowing anything was amiss with my paycheck there was no reason for me to think about moving the funds.

In case you don’t have a calculator handy 11 x 38=$418.

First things first I moved savings over to keep myself from racking up more charges.

Then reality set in. I could have cried. I literally could have just sat down and cried I was so disappointed that something like this would happen when I’d been hoarding my savings so carefully. But as I was driving between my two banks getting money from one to put in the other I remembered that God hadn’t failed me yet. So the money was gone, so Compass "per company policy" might only refund 2 of the 11 charges. So what? God was still in control and God wasn’t going to worry about my savings being gone when He provided for my needs as always. Once I remembered that I let go of the fear and frustration attached to the money and I began praising God. (And by praising God I mean I was singing God the chorus to the oldies song “I love you more today than yesterday” thanks to Eric from work for sending me that song and getting it stuck in my head.

Then I came back to work.

Joe from Compass was on the phone and he wanted me to know that a man with my incorrect account number had come in on Saturday to close his account. Literally, this man showed up and the bank tried to give him my money which had been accidentally deposited into his account. And HE SAID NO. He said it wasn’t his money. He turned down nearly 700 dollars. So the bank had begun investigating the error.

Which also took one less obstacle out of the way as I tried to convince Compass to transfer money from his account to mine. ;)

They’re going through the process to transfer the funds into my account and Joe also says that because of the nature of the error every overdraft fee will be refunded to me.

There is more to the story, but I will tell it in a later post because it veers off from the point of this story. But I just want to add - I'm so thankful I reached the "trusting God" point before I got back to work and the situation changed. It was a strange sense of joy that rushed in as I praised God in the middle of a situation that just STUNK. And God moved on my behalf. I gained favor with every person I talked to. I was blessed. But I found the joy before the miracle. And there seems to be something valuable and necessary in that. Because the joy is in God, not in good situations, not in a lack of problems, not even in money. It's just in God. In the middle of a temporary shortage of over $1100 dollars, I found joy.

It was worth so much more than $1100.

I needed to be broke.

My savings account was depleted when I first moved to San Antonio. And I spent 5 long months looking for a job. The money was gone, nothing was coming in. Yet somehow I paid my bills, paid my rent, and helped out others that couldn't pay their bills, and never once encountered over-draft charges from my bank. I still smile about that one.

This month and last month have/had challenges all their own but I'm not the least bit afraid to meet them. When I first saw the situation I immediately thought "oh no... what will I do?" but the second thought was, "What am I talking about? I'll do the same thing I did last time except better this time - I'll trust God."

For that reason, I have to say I needed to be broke financially. God needed to bring me to San Antonio, break my bank, and force me to trust Him. And He did. I found myself in a situation so completely beyond myself that I couldn't imagine how to survive - and God just worked. God. Just. Worked.
If He hadn't of let me be broke, I would never have realized that I'm never broke as long as I've got God. I've got enough. I needed to be broke.

~~~~

I needed to be broke.

Last year, when I moved I was in pieces. My blog certainly shows it. I was angry with God, at odds with my church, and hurting more than I remember being hurt before. I tried every trick in the world to put myself back together again - including a 40 days of faith series. Ironic since despite my words I was the most faithless person I knew. Some parts of me were not quite as bad as it was before but I was still broken, and hurting, struggling every day to just get through.

It's hard to say this because I remember it quite vividly, but I needed to be broke.

People I walked proudly in front of have now seen me at my worst. I'm probably still proud in ways I shouldn't be, but coming through this I've found myself in the grip of the God who can put me back together. He is the God of the broken.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think the idea behind being broken is simply that whether it's financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental. Just the word broken - I went to Merriam Webster and looked it up just to see how he defined it and I'd like you to read the definitions associated with "broken"


1 : violently separated into parts : shattered
2 : damaged or altered by breaking : having undergone or been subjected to fracture : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c : violated by transgression d: discontinuous, interrupted : disrupted by change
3 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : crushed, sorrowful c : bankrupted
4 a : cut off : disconnected
5 : not complete or full

I wouldn't recommend brokenness as a constant state. But I think everyone needs that time in their lives. Probably more than once. But I can think of no better way to understand how great, and how powerful God is than to experience Him at your weakest.

I wouldn't have the relationship with Him that I have right now if I hadn't been broke, both financially and emotionally and Spiritually. I wouldn't. I would still know the words, but now I've experienced the words.

I just needed to be broke.

Gods response to repentance.

So I repented.
I told God I couldn't handle the stress, and worrying about it. I told Him that I couldn't fix or change, or better the situation at all. Only God could make it workable. I told Him I needed His help, I needed His wisdom, I needed His peace, I needed Him.

That was Sunday.

Monday morning I went in to work to find an e-mail from my boss waiting for me. She is starting the process to make me a permanent employee. She's starting this process more than 2 weeks early, so it might hopefully be accomplished near my 90 day mark.
Others have waited months past their 90 days to get this notice. The girl I hired with didn't get this notice. I got this notice.

Monday night, my heart had completely changed towards a house that I hated. I called them up to see if I could look at it, they made special arrangements for me (including giving me the code to the lockbox so I could let myself in - which in San Antonio isn't something that's usually even considered according to my co-workers who were in shock).

I looked at the house, deemed it not only good, but really nice.

So today I called them and asked them to take $50 off the rent. After some consideration, they said no, but gave me the information that they cover the water/sewage bill. Something that accounts for pretty much $50.
They aren't going to charge me the application fee.
I don't even have to apply since they'd received my application for the house I'm currently living in.
It's May 26th, and they are going to hold the house until July 1st for no additional fees.

So Sunday I went from scared about the future to leaving it in Gods hands.
It's now Wednesday, and I have a house, and a job.

To say I'm humbled is putting it mildly. Gods hands are where this should have been the whole time. I can't tell you how wonderful He is. But you can sure imagine from stories like this.
He's more than wonderful.

Confession my faults - Fear.

I like apologizing.

I know what you're thinking, and I saw that eye-roll. You'll just have to trust me on this. I like apologizing. I enjoy naming how my sin was wrong, bringing it to light, and letting someone know I'm sorry not just for doing whatever, but for the disrespect, unkindness, selfishness, whatever sinful nature was rearing up to cause the action in the first place.

It leaves me feeling like I just kicked dirt in the devils eye. I like to take sin seriously - not in that I would think about it all the time, but that when I do find it in my life I figure out what it really is.

I've been stressed out lately. I didn't realize it until the other night but the move I'm about to make and all it's little ramifications was scaring me. I did some math the other day and, living on my own, after bills here I'd have $52 left for groceries for the month.

It's not that I don't think I'll eat, because I know God will provide work and money so I actually don't think I'll go without. It just made me realize how close to the line I'm going to be. If emergencies come up...

And I became afraid.
I didn't rest in the promise that God would supply my needs, He would help me, and give me wisdom as to the house to choose and what actions to take in order to use the money He's provided me with wisely.

As I grew more afraid, my actions around my poor housemates changed as well.

The turning point was when I griped at my nephew for dumping his water out to put fresh water in his cup. He said it was old and I griped something about how water doesn't taste old after 3 hours.
Then later that evening, I brought my cup downstairs, dumped the water out, rinsed the cup and refilled it with fresh water.

Instantly I was convicted.

And I did something I hadn't done too recently; I went to my bedroom, dropped to my knees beside my bed and I wept before God. I repented of my actions towards my family, and I prayed He would help me not just to treat them as He would, but that He would calm my fears and I would simply trust Him for my needs without worry.

I told Him I was stressed out, worried, and anxious and I didn't know how to handle the changes coming up on my own. I told Him I loved Him dearly, and that I hadn't been showing it - and I was so very sorry for how off-track my heart had wandered from the path and that I needed Him to draw me nearer, because I just wasn't close enough. I need Him more.

Wednesday night on the way home from church I was working on memorizing 2 Chronicles 7:14 with the kids: If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from Heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.

It seemed that night, those words were prophetic as I unthinkingly acted them out. But I got up that evening forgiven. Regrets can't be changed, but forgiveness is wonderful. But I didn't realize until later that God had worked on healing my land as well. Today is different, I don't know how or where I'll ultimately end up but... There is something new inside me that's able to trust for this now. And I came home and it was probably one of the more peaceful, kind nights at the house.

The night I repented, afterwards I stayed up late reading 1 John. When I reached 5:4 I found another verse that I set about trying to memorize. It's well worth memorizing if you'd like to try.

For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world; even our faith. 1 John 5:4

Trusting in God for the answers.

I ended up in a long text conversation last week. Honestly, texting is NOT the way to have a real conversation. Nevertheless, it was the only option available as the person I was talking to doesn't enjoy talking to me about spiritual things. I always... always communicate better in writing than I do in person. So texting probably kept us from another verbal standoff.

But it was all about trusting God, and believing in Him even when bad things happen. Or even when bad things don't happen, but good things don't happen. This person has really struggled with God concerning finances and wishing that God would provide more so their family wouldn't have to struggle.

I argued that God isn't out to make us rich. And that God doesn't hate poor people and that's why they're poor. God doesn't hate sick people and that's why they're sick. Not everything is a punishment, but often simply a trial meant to lead us where we should go. And that God can be trusted when we take leaps of faith.

The idea of leaping in faith was less than ideal to them knowing that leaping could mean financial struggles, and continued difficulties. And how could you differentiate between a leap of faith and a big mistake since the outcome of a leap could be bad? To which I argued that sometimes your ability to know isn't based on physical things, but an inner knowledge - a confirmation by the Holy Spirit that you are walking in Gods will.

Prior to our little text-debate I'd tested the waters with several options concerning different jobs. One very exciting door opened up very quickly for me to go back into a career that was a dream come true and I was receiving information concerning the company flying me out for an interview this week. It seemed almost impossible to imagine that I might actually get the job, so I hadn't even really started praying about it yet.

So I was a little surprised, right after that debate, to suddenly know that I wasn't supposed to make the trip. I don't necessarily understand a rhyme or reason behind it, except for a peace in knowing I'm not turning down something wonderful - I'm turning down something that God hasn't got planned for me.

No regrets, no sorrow, no grief. Just trust.

My rewards aren't of this world. They aren't seen. They aren't things that I can hold in my hand right now. But my rewards have been...... amazing.

Tonight, I still chuckle at little at the idea that I have to wait until I ask God to get an answer. I was absolutely shocked to realize I had direction concerning the opportunity - and I hadn't even asked Him yet! But because of that, I realized how much I want that to be an every day occurrence. I want to hear Him speaking to me even when I haven't said anything yet. I want Him so actively involved in my day to day life that I'm listening for His thoughts concerning things just because I know He's with me and involved.

I don't want Him behind a little tent waiting for me to visit Him for answers.

And I thank God that He doesn't want to be in that tent either.

Thank you Lord.

Silence

I'm one of those people that tends to think they're unique. My feelings are unique, my hurts are unique, my thoughts are unique, my fears are unique.

I'm sure you're not like that. I'm sure I'm the only one that feels that way.

Or perhaps every single one of you feels that same way.

But I wonder if it's not true where God is concerned. Each of us have our own unique relationship with Him. We relate in different ways, struggle with different things, and all of us just respond to life, and God, differently.

Last week I struggled to rebound after the sudden jolt I had from a happy and fun time, to the stark reminder of the reality of my moms disease and my dads decisions. Suddenly I became quiet. I was quiet because sometimes when I talked I started crying again even if the subject was as inconsequential as dinner rolls. So I spent a few days trying not to think, talk, and especially not cry.

On Sunday morning I stayed home from church and in an empty house I began doing dishes. And it made me cry again. And I finally said what I needed to say to God. I didn't know what to say until that very moment, but suddenly it just flowed out and I spoke and I cried. It hurt.

I recognize, that you don't know me. The crazy influx of readers that have begun stopping by my blog.... some of you are old friends, but most of you are strangers. So keep reading and I'll get to the part that is about you eh?

Sunday morning, I told God I needed something that was simply an impossible request for me, and even as I asked it I knew it was impossible.

And then, as my family was about to return home I left and spent the day around town just passing time. And all day long I absolutely, positively, felt His comforting presence.
So while I didn't know what I was praying for, what I needed, I received exactly that. God could have sent a person along, but my comfort doesn't come from people. It doesn't come from physical actions or words... oh sure, those things are comforting, but nothing like the comfort that God can bring.

It's too easy for us to look for worldly comfort, physical comfort, things of this world to comfort you. But God truly wants us to find our comfort in Him. And when we ask Him for that comfort, I believe He will come through.

I didn't wax eloquent with my words, I didn't say "Lord," or solemnly close with "In Jesus name, Amen".
I just cried out.
And He heard my cry.

He WILL do the same for you. He will see you through the dark nights when the money isn't there, the test results aren't good, and when the boss announces that there are layoffs coming. All you have to do is open your mouth and say the words in your heart. He can hear you even when you whisper.

Discounted blogging and wonderful Saviors

It's interesting how God never stops working. Even when it's quiet, and you're so distracted by the events going on around you - God's still plodding along diligently working at the important stuff.
And for the record, I mean "plodding along" in the most magnificent sense of the word. :)

A month or so ago someone quoted me a verse - Psalms 18:29&30

For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.

And for some reason that chapter has been on my mind ever sense. And a couple of nights ago, God woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to read Psalms 18:24-34

I don't know why God works that way with me, constantly giving me references to go look up. I wish He would just say it - because I always walk over to my Bible with a weak little heart just waiting to read something along the lines of "THINE OFFERINGS HAVE BEEN REJECTED BECAUSE OF THE HARDNESS OF THINE HEART"... or something along those encouraging lines. Truly. But instead, I opened it to find these words:

Therefore hath the LORD recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his eyesight.

With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright;

With the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward.

For thou wilt save the afflicted people; but wilt bring down high looks.

For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.

For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall.

As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.

For who is God save the LORD? or who is a rock save our God?

It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.

He maketh my feet like hinds' feet, and setteth me upon my high places.

He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.

And that's the point that I always assume that obviously it was some other voice in my head that told me to look that up, because surely God would have given me one with condemnation.

No matter how untrue those thoughts are, they always seem to be there, camped out in the corner of my mind. God isn't going to tell me how great I am, cause look at me? Mother Theresa I am not. I'm not good enough. Never seem to get my act together enough TO be good enough. Why on earth would God say good things to me?

And here's the hard to swallow answer. "Because He loves me."

This morning, something unusual happened and it could possibly be that something really nice is about to happen. As I drove to work, I was telling God about my guesses and assumptions about the good thing that might happen and I told Him that I just didn't deserve Him to love me so much. He's been too good. Sure I've struggled, sure things haven't been perfect, but that's not what I'm in it for. And all I could see is how wonderful He's been through it all.

While I told Him how much I didn't deserve it, I suddenly started listing my faults in my walk. I reached one point where, while rattling off my list of failures, I said "I don't even tell others how great You are as much as I should" and instantly - it's almost as though He was just waiting for me to say it - He shot back "You used to". My first reaction was "when on earth did I 'used to'"? And He immediately brought to mind this blog.

I've got to tell you, writer extraordinaire I am not. By my iffy counts I might have 27 readers. Not that you 27 aren't important...but since you have no names and are mostly ip address numbers it's easy for me to not assume you're waiting for my next post, wishing "This Walk" would start posting again.

But it doesn't matter if there are 27 or 2700 or 2, for some reason God's given me this blog and 5 years running I've held onto it because God has given me a passion for writing about Him this way. But while I may have discounted this blog as not a witnessing tool, or not a valid way to share my beliefs and faith and love of Christ with others - I'm a little freaked out that God hasn't discounted it.

So all that to say, God is good, God works, God speaks, God talks to us. He loves us. And since God seems to be holding me responsible for my blogging I'm going to do it as unto the Lord. So you should be seeing posts again even if I'm confused, befuddled and overwhelmed. :)

I'm thankful for His love and His mercy. His goodness and His grace.

For He's more wonderful than my mind can concieve
He's more wonderful than my heart can believe
He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams.
He's everything that my soul ever longed for
Everything He's promised and so much more
More than amazing, more than marvelous
More than miraculous could ever be
He's more than wonderful, that's what Jesus is to me.

Growing...

I don't know what someone else would get from this... but I just have to write this to document what God is doing in me.

Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.

Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.

No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".

Go.

God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.

Go.

God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.

And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."

And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.

Get me there God, somehow.

And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.

I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.

God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.

As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:

HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence

Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

The God of too much... again.

Psalms 73:28 But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

Just wanted to write a quick note... in a previous blog I mentioned the specific issue of gas money to get home for Thanksgiving. There was an amount in my head when I wrote that. That was written on Tuesday.

Today, Saturday, via a few different sources as has been the constant habit in the last 5 months, I have a little over double what I need. And that's not counting the one craigslist item that someone hasn't picked up yet. Yet I have a little over double. And it's also not counting the offers I received from blog readers and friends to pay my way for me.

God is incredible. I wouldn't have been upset to not make it home. This is going to be our first Thanksgiving that mom doesn't know who we are. Missing that wouldn't have bothered me a bit. So I suppose I might admit that I was smirking a little bit as I said I would leave it in Gods hands. I may have been hoping... but God knows best. And He provides exceedingly and abundantly. As I think about it now I have to smile as I think about how the post I had written about it talked about how God has given me too much. And here I say I need a certain amount and He gives me double. Again, too much.

He is the God of too much. There is abundance in my home today. Perhaps I'm the only one who can see it, appreciate it, revel and relax into it, but bountiful abundance it certainly is.

Now I'm just hoping Proverbs 28:25 doesn't come true!

Don't let the devil show you one tree, when God has planted you a forest.

The lyrics coming to mind right now are "Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side."

And while not everything has come together (I sincerely doubt that until I reach Heaven that I'll be able to conclusively say that "everything" has come together...) I just want to tell you what God has done.

When I left San Antonio at the end of September, I had been job hunting for nearly 4 months with no real success. The only luck I did have was one incredibly fun job that unfortunately netted me about 2-3 hours of pay per week. Needless to say, for some reason I felt that wasn't enough to live off of. Just before I left, I had finally been offered 2 jobs and had to turn them down. I also had two interviews lined up that I had to cancel (interviews were hard to come by as well, so even getting to that stage was progress).

When I submitted to God and said I would return to San Antonio after a month helping my mother I wondered if God had been in my return at all. It had felt like the right thing to do, and today, in hindsight, the month seemed just exactly what was needed. Dad needed a break from mom, and some physical help in doing some of the major renovations he'd begun on what will one day be their home, and here I was ready and able to crawl under the house and get dirty.

When I came back though, in my prayers was that God would bless what I'd done. That He would bless my letting go of San Antonio and doing what I felt was necessary. I suppose it's hard to understand but I didn't want a blessing just because I wanted things to be easier or because I was tired of job hunting or needed money. I truly wanted it just to know that Gods hand of blessing was on something that I had done.

I returned on Sunday night, and began job hunting Monday morning. I went through several interviews and tests with one company and was required to come back a second day for more interviews. On that second day I was hired. I didn't announce it on my blog because there were some negative issues concerning it but deep inside all I could think was "You've really blessed me Lord." 4 months of looking and searching, and He brings about His will in 2 days. I was distinctly impressed with the realization that what I have isn't because I've done something, but because God has. It's easy to neglect that idea.

The only issue was that, well, now it was November 3rd, and my new job wouldn't start till November 18th. I deliberated the idea of continuing the job search in hopes of finding something that would start sooner. But the reality of no money coming in combined with the fact that cars run on gas, equaled the knowledge that if I have no gas I could technically have no job as well if I can't transport myself back and forth until the pay begins. So I sat back, slightly nervously I must say, and waited for the 18th to arrive.

At nearly 7pm on the 17th I received a phone call from the company telling me not to come to work. They'd had a problem with my background and until it was resolved I couldn't come to work. The next training classes would begin in January.

I'd like to tell you that I began fasting and praying, or that I hit my knees and didn't get up from my righteous womans fervent praying until I felt the issue was resolved. But instead all I could feel was quiet. I told God, quite simply, that I could only do what I could do the best I could do it and the rest was up to Him. And then I wrote a blog post about how God had given me too much.

At 8am this morning I stood before the door of their building and asked that God would grant me favor with these people. Then I went in, announced myself, and said I was there to talk to Barbara in HR. I took a seat in the lobby filled with people that were preparing to start that morning. I sat quietly as the receptionist called them all back. I waited alone in the lobby 20 minutes for my audience with Ms. Barbara McCoy.

She was gracious, but very firm. My application was fraudulent, the company I said I worked for for 5 years did not know I existed. They would not hire me. I pointed out the error (they had called the wrong company - which was partially my fault because they had to look up the information because I'd written the wrong area code). I told her that I'd already talked to that employer this morning and that she should have already received an e-mail from them in the last 30 minutes.

She left me alone in the room again while she went to verify the e-mail and some other things that had not been done concerning me. She returned with a welcoming smile and said "Come with me." I suppose I have limited life experience, but I could only imagine those words sounding sweeter coming from my Savior as He welcomed me to Heaven. I have a job.

I've been in San Antonio 5 months without steady work. When I try and stop and figure out how on earth I've paid my bills, I don't have the faintest clue. I really don't. Yet every month I've been able to pull my share and even help others when they've needed it. He's given me too much.

As I studied the facts tonight and that the two tanks of gas required to drive back to my parents for Thanksgiving might be more than I can handle, I talked over the possibility of my not going back for the holiday with my family here. Minutes later I checked my e-mail and someone was interested in something I had on craigslist. There is one tank of gas. Will God provide the 2nd?

None of these things have happened with wild shouts and exclamations of joy but with a suddenly quiet spirit that is willing to just wait and see how it turns out. This has distinctly felt like one of those moments where I just had to hold my peace and let the Lord fight my battles. And He has. And it has been a perfect example of how I am victorious today. Rather than trying to pin it all on "Now the problems are solved it's going to change" it's simply; Today. Sufficient for the day is the trouble thereof - or something like that.

He's given me too much.

I feel like this part should be in a different, separate post so those who aren't interested in the minute details that this post is chock full of wouldn't have to wade through it all - but it fits here so for those that skipped this post because it was too long I'm sorry they missed this part.

At church tonight, the speaker made a point concerning the events of Adam and Eves original sin. If you read from a King James Bible it depicts how God came to Adam and Eve and said "You may eat of all the trees in the Garden. But do not eat of this tree."
The devil came along and said "Did not God say you could not eat of all the trees in the Garden?"

Gods focus in His wording was on all that He has given us. You may eat of ALL the trees - save one.
Whereas the devil twists the words to "You can not eat of all the trees" and taints everything with the one thing forbidden.

In explaining the concept to my niece this evening I gave her the example of when she and her brother were obsessed with heelies. No matter what you gave them, their hearts cry was for heelies and whatever you gave them it wasn't heelies. They couldn't see "all the trees" because the devil had limited their focus to "not ALL", the one thing they didn't have.

And I don't know how to hand you a peace like this except to tell you what God has done for me, and how wonderful it is, how peaceful it is, how precious it is to have my gaze now on "all the trees".
I'm sure my gaze will swing sometime. I'm human and stupid - a LOT. But despite the things that seem to be lacking right now, I can only keep thinking "He's given me too much." There is extra. There is more than enough. More than more than enough.

Don't let the devil show you one tree, when God has planted you a forest.

He wipes away my guilt and shame and lets only His love remain.

I want my first post back to be about a small miracle that happened recently. I'd like to share with you, because I think it's important to recognize God can do these things, and just because we feel certain things does not make those feelings true.

Sunday, November 1st my parents drove off to go to church.
I then packed all my things together, loaded them in my car and headed to church myself. This was the day I was to head back to San Antonio and the day would begin with pretending it was just another day.

We were entirely unsure of how my mom would react to my leaving, so it was decided that the best course of action was to simply not tell her and not let her see me leave.

I had spent the entire weekend struggling with the decision. I felt horribly guilty, imagining that she would somehow come to her right mind and realize that I had left without saying goodbye.
And then topping the mound was a conversation with a friend of my parents who could only express her shock and disappointment that I would abandon my parents. She told me of my parents disappointment as well.

If you know anything about me, you more than likely know how addicted to obligation and responsibility I am. The words spoken to me ate at me like a cancer. I struggled with guilt that was so heavy I could hardly sleep, eat, or get through the day without weeping. I pride myself on doing what needs to be done - and in this, I was leaving something so very important undone. I was sick.
At the same time, I was determined to return because I know beyond a doubt that God has planted me in San Antonio for some reason yet to be revealed.

By the time I drove my car, packed full of goods, to church that morning I was an emotional wreck. I barely held myself together right up until we began singing "He's all I need". In that instant I crumbled and I could only say "God, I need you. I know what You've called me to do and I know that I am not guilty, yet the feelings of guilt are consuming me and I can't bear under the load. Please God, take away my guilt."

And He did.

I don't know what condemnation you are facing, whether it's feelings of shame, loneliness, guilt, hurt, anger, fear, grief, or worthlessness. Maybe you're afraid you're not providing for your family, giving enough time to your kids, not patient enough with your siblings, not a hard enough worker for your employer, afraid you waste time when you should be volunteering to a cause, not reading your Bible enough, not praying enough, not being good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not wise enough, not holy enough.

The devil is always able to show you some way that you just aren't enough. And the way past those accusations isn't to show him how you are enough, how you meet whatever standard he's set for you. All you have to do is head to the Master, and confess that indeed you aren't enough - and you absolutely need the One and only one who IS enough. More than enough. And then trust in that.

I was amazed when I left church that day in far better shape than when I came. I had need of my Savior and I found Him there. He touched me, and removed my guilt and shame. It was an absolute miracle. No one can change a heart like God can.
He can do the same for you, if you just ask.

Groanings that cannot be uttered.

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Romans 8:26

This evening my phone rang. My dad called. His first words were that he was in a "whole heap of trouble".
"What's wrong?"
"Your mom..."
It took him nearly a full 45 seconds to finish the sentence.
I'm pretty sure my heart didn't beat for the full 45 seconds.

He'd hidden the car keys from her, but didn't expect her to rummage through his pick up truck getting the truck keys.
She'd gotten in the truck and left.

She's stage 5/6-ish of Alzheimers.

She was gone, and he didn't know where she'd went.

As he explained that she'd been having a really bad day, telling him she couldn't stay in the house with a man (she doesn't understand he's her husband) all I could think about was: 5 hours.
It would take me 5 hours to get there.
It was too painfully far away.

In those following minutes as he told me what happened all I could say was "Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God." There weren't any other words for it. There was no eloquence, nothing. Just the knowledge that He knew the need and all I had to do was climb to His feet and hang my hopes there.

Thankfully, God answered the prayer and she turned around and returned home. My brother and I spent the next 30 minutes telling her that we had hired that man to be there to take care of her and we needed her to stay with him. It got more complicated as she informed us she didn't feel comfortable staying with her ex. (She's bent on the delusion that he left her years ago and just wandered back into the house expecting to live there.)

I could tell you the emotions that run through a person during moments like that, but I'm learning to be strong during these moments now so I did better this time than I would have a year ago.

But afterwards, after we convinced her to stay, after talking to my dad, after spending 2 hours finishing up a vicious game of Star Wars Monopoly with my nephew completely wiping me out, I was able to think past the event to something far greater.

Groanings that cannot be uttered.

When my heart is in such agony that I cannot find the words to say, when my being is so intense on the outcome that I need in a situation, that is when my prayers change to something unintelligible.
And that is what the Holy Spirit does for me. He interceeds for me with groanings that cannot be uttered.

I see it as human and emotional to be so deeply involved in my prayers that I'm unable to form the words, that only an urgent, gut wrenching groan can make it to the surface. Yet, this is how the Holy Spirit interceeds for me.

It was a vivid, though painful reminder of Gods love for me and you.
Oh how He loves us.

All that isn't to say that I wouldn't give anything not to have this lesson. To not learn of Gods love this way. There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have her be ok.

But my God is the such that even in the worst, most sickening moments of my life, He can show me something extraordinary to give me comfort. The same Holy Spirit that interceeds for me so earnestly, interceeds for my mother as well, and for all those people I've scrawled on my little prayer list.

Oh God.

God is on your side.

Instantly, as I typed the title of this post, the traditional religious remark came to mind "God doesn't need to be on your side, YOU need to be on GODS side."
And I'm remembering a recent post someone wrote about how Christians too often think God has done something for them when in actuality God does nothing except for His own glory.

And while initially, arguments like that resonate with me and I tend to agree - I have seen a pattern of things in my life where I was the only one who knew what God did. So the glory He would have received from it would have only come from me. But that means the only reason God does nice things for me is so that I will glorify Him.

That speaks a lot about motivation. He didn't do it because He loved, but because He would be glorified.

I'm horrible about arguing spiritual points simply because someone who has actually studied scripture (as opposed to my read-and-think method) usually knocks my arguments over with verse after verse. And here I sit with only John 3:16.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

His motivations are spoken of in that verse. It's typical cause and effect. Because God loved us He sent His Son.
Perhaps I get caught away with an overly emotional view of God but, I can't help but believe that God loves us first, and an effect of that is glory.

All that to tell this story.

I went to a church program this morning. They were giving out school supplies so my sister-in-law and I took the kids by at the invitation of a lady we'd met in the supermarket the night before.
2 hours later, we'd stood waiting, while they blared incredible loud hip hop music through the speakers. We'd watched kids take the stage and do "Dance offs", play multiple rounds of "Let's make a deal", and a fashion show. We'd been subjected to a barrage of sales people - State Farm, Allstate, two different home health agencies, credit card applications, jewelry sales, and 2 different entities wanting to take the kids fingerprints.
I saw a world around me that, while some may have known God, I knew many of them probably didn't - and here, trapped in this large auditorium with an incredible opportunity to tell them of Gods love, they didn't. After 2 hours of waiting, (because they only passed out the school supplies twice an hour to the first 15 people in line) we left mid-fashion show.

I walked away disappointed. Where was God in all this? I was hurt, and more than a little tired because I've been bearing the standard "There ARE Christians, true, God-seeking Christians here in this town." and while I have found them, there are just so many other examples of what Christianity shouldn't be here that it's overwhelming.

I came home, snapped at my family, and told them to go on their plans for the afternoons outing without me. Then, I found my quiet place and tearfully asked God "Where is Your Church?"
I could think of no other question than that. I was angry, disappointed, hurt, tired, frustrated, and a few more synonyms for "upset" that I can't think about right now.

An hour later, my family left on their plans.
30 minutes after that a pastor showed up at my door.
He, and his congregant, wanted to thank us for coming to his church last week and talk to us.
They both sat and talked about biblical things with me for an hour.
I was sorry to see them go.

I believe God had a special timing for that visit, maybe nothing about our unplanned and certainly impromptu stop at their church last week was supposed to mean anything for anyone else but I believe God knew I could use some one to talk to today.
And I think He did it just because He really truly loves me and cares about my needs.
And that's why I wanted to write this - to give Him glory.

Settling things...

This is going to be long, and I may not censor or edit so please consider yourself warned when you read this.

For a little over a month I've been looking into moving to San Antonio with my brother and his family. My brother quickly got a job, and Glenda quickly got an interview, but for the last two weeks that I've actually been putting in applications I haven't had one person call me back. I began wondering if God was opening doors for my brother and his wife but not necessarily for me. So yesterday, I informed them, and God that I was laying down my fleece. If no one called me back by the end of the week I would quit searching, quit trying to move. I would accept His answer on the subject and get over it.

Today, for the first time since this all began, I checked my phone and sure enough, someone was calling about my application.

Back up a little bit to yesterday now - when I informed my brother and Glenda (his wife) that I was waiting on confirmation or I wouldn't actually move - my brother almost immediately called me. He said I was scared and that's all that was holding me back. He called me John the Baptist and in a strange way I'd never considered before about JtheB it was a bad thing. But then today, he e-mailed me something else that really struck home with me. He said that our religious upbringing taught us the opposite of the prosperity gospel. It's the gospel that says "If you really want it, God doesn't want you to have it."

In that I could see the truth. The more I want to move, the more afraid I become that God wouldn't allow it.

Go back a little further to a few weeks ago - I felt impressed to be re-baptized. I understand the living death aspect of being baptized and symbolically being raised as a new creature. The closer I got to actually talking to someone about being re-baptized the harder and harder it got.

You see, despite the fact that I desperately love Christ...
Despite the fact that I truly believe He loves me...

I still expect Him to hurt me.

I told you I don't do relationships very well.

But being baptized at 9 or 10 years old (a.k.a. "a stupid kid") is drastically different from being a 28 yr old person that truly loves Christ making a mature decision to die - daily - and symbolically going out of my way to make a specific declaration of that in front of my church family.

That's why a renewed baptism got harder and harder to think about. Wrong though I mentally know it is, it felt like a fresh committment to being hurt. I know better, but the more I thought about it the harder the idea becomes. Now, my pastor is helping by trying to schedule a time and I'm scared to death. Yet backing out is making a statement that I couldn't stand to make to God.

It's frustrating to see I'm still stuck in that little mental rut. I believe so much good about God. I believe everything I wrote during the 40 days of faith. I really do. And at the same time I'm still waiting for Him to abuse me, to hurt me, to use me.

It's ridiculous.

Today, when the phone call came in just as I'd asked God for, I realized it felt a little easier to think about being re-baptized. And I hated myself for the relief. Committing to give your every decision to Christ's will is one thing when you're afraid He's asking you to give up something - and different when you think He's agreeing with you on something.

It shouldn't matter. But the ease of the knot in my stomach told me it did.
God knows I'm human, but I don't want to be. I want to be like Him.

Conversations with God.

It's been an interesting week. Again.

I had an interesting encounter with God last weekend. And it's rippled throughout the week. My first real glimpse of what Alzheimers is going to look like hurt more than I can say. It was unfixable. She hurt, and no medicine, no doctors, no words, no comfort would help it... for the rest of her life.

The very thought overwhelms me - but over the weekend before, it was more than I could hold onto. And believe me when I say, I'm very good at holding onto things. You don't see me cry (except in prayer) you don't see me yell, you don't see me do much *typically* except be quiet, happy or calm. But I just couldn't wrap myself around this sorrow.

I went to God. I seriously went to God. I went to Him more seriously and more intently, than I usually have the capability to do. I went in with unrestrained emotions and I quite simply just hurt all over Him.
And He took it.

This week, in a day of a struggle because my wayward mind kept clinging to a thought that I knew I shouldn't obsess about, I worked hard to discipline my mind. My constant prayer was that my true want would be what God wants, rather than what I want. And He helped me to let it go.

Then today, my pastor asked us all a question "What do you seek?"

I waited, expecting to feel some hypocrisy in my heart as my answer came - "You Lord."
I want Jesus.
You found Him, why are you still seeking Him?
Because I want more of Him.

It was ironic that my pastor mentioned being silent and waiting on God this evening, because that's exactly what I was doing this morning during prayer time - waiting. Sitting quietly and waiting. In the silence the question came to me, "Lord, why did You seek me?"
I pondered quietly what it was that He might have planned that my life would accomplish, what He might be wanting me to do, wondering what He could possibly want from me; when just as clearly as could be, He answered "You."

How great a love is this? That He would seek me, not for what I can do for Him, but for no better reason than loving me?

Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. King David

What'd you smash into?

I read a post by Shaun King describing his own first hand experience with miracles.

I know it's long, but what I'm about to say hinges on his story. So before you go a step further, please go read his post.

Did you read it?




Seriously, did you read it?



Ok.
When I read the post, I was shocked at the idea that somehow he had smashed into the glass with his face. Not his head, not his body, (as he states in his blog) but his face.
Then, I took the time to enjoy the video he linked to for the song "The Presence of the Lord is Here."
One of the lines in the song caught my attention. Riveted my attention.
"He'll open up a window and pour you out a blessing."

Looking at the pictures of the windshield of his car, I saw that God did indeed open up a window. Or maybe the devil did it.
I'm not going to dig into who or Who should get credit/blame for this event. I just agree with God that all things will work together for good to them that are called according to His purpose.
Because sometimes a window opens, and a blessing pours out of it.

Sometimes though, that window gets opened by your face.

It rips, maddeningly painful, and breaks you. It breaks your plans for tomorrow, or for your lifetime. It breaks your heart. It breaks your fight, and your entire focus.

And from that, God can pour you out greater blessings than you can imagine.

Do you think I should compare it to the typical "don't pray for patience unless you want trials" ?
I'm not saying don't ask God to bless you, lest He smash your face into a window. But I am saying, sometimes you ask God to bless you, and He allows your face to smash into a window. And I say that, with a face that's been smashed at least a couple of times.

My God is good.

We're stubborn, crazy hard and earthly focused people. Our greatest blessings, come at a high cost. But with rewards so great that it outshines the birth pains of getting to it. Sometimes our greatest blessings smash us into financial craziness and 3000 miles from home. My greatest blessing smashed my face into 5 foster kids, and 5 goodbyes in 2 years. Maybe your greatest blessing is the pastorate you took over, with 20 whiny broken people who have lost that first hunger and are soon going to experience the renewal of that first love and excitement.

Maybe your greatest blessing was ruining your reputation by standing by someone everyone else had given up hope on.

When your face is smashed, blood and tears flowing out, flesh torn and pain and agony your primary thought - it's hard to imagine that this will be the greatest blessing of your life.
When she saw her sons face smashed, blood and tears flowing out, flesh torn and pain and agony His primary thought - she probably didn't imagine that this moment would be the greatest blessing for every single person in the world for all time.

But it was.

Maybe everything I'm saying is wrong. Maybe I just search for lessons to lessen the pain sometimes. Maybe I want meaning in things that are meaningless - just plain old ordinary pains from living life in a sinful world.
Either way, God's still good.

The power of "Oh"

In Sunday School class yesterday, we began looking at Colossians 3. One of the kids happens to be in the process of writing out this chapter 500 times (I'm so glad my parents never considered this punishment!). So I figured this was a pretty good time for us to look at it and figure out what it means. Hopefully, by doing this at #9, the words will mean even more to him by #472.

So we were talking about the old man, and him dying. And next week we're going to start on the new guy... but in talking about the old man I mentioned my old analogy of it being a real person, only this time I was clumsily trying to figure out how to make this analogy work for kids ranging from ages 7 - 16.
So our 'best friend' died. Our best friend liked certain types of movies, our best friend liked to smoke, our best friend liked to read dirty books. Then our best friend died. But we still went to the store and bought his favorite books, and we read them. Then we stopped at the theatre, saw a movie he would have enjoyed, and we went in and watched it.
I have to tell you, the effort was clumsy.
But I finished this clumsy analogy, and I had 4 kids staring at me (the 5th was so young I'm pretty sure it didn't sink in), and then one of the older ones said 'Ohhh."

And it was just as clear as a bell that at least that one had really gotten it. The others looked like they'd gotten it as well. But that one, softly spoken 'ohhh' really hit me.

Sometimes it's just the greatest blessing to know that your clumsiest efforts can be used by God. Sure it'd be nice to be one of those teachers that can explain things in the absolutely best ways so kids understand, and not only understand but get excited about them. But I'm not one of those. Teaching, most definitely, is not one of my giftings!

One of the things that my mom used to say was that God doesn't always call the qualified, but He qualifies the called. The quality, in these lessons is certainly not with the teacher. But God is able to do something with these things. When my best isn't good enough, or when I just downright fail to communicate my point, God can still use my words, and my efforts.
It'd be great to be a good teacher, but it's not about that.
It's about the God, who was able to feed 5,000 with just a few fishes, being able to feed 5, with 45 minutes of my less than talented teaching.

It's also not about me not being good enough. But about God being more than enough.

As I've stumbled through the last months, I've come to realize that God could easily be working on my pride right now. It's easy for me to focus on how religious I know how to be. But Gods working in me something that I can't fake my way through. Any dope can learn to play the piano and play for church.
But when you open your mouth to teach kids... that's when people, the most impressionable people in the world, are going to see what you're really made of.

Also, that "ohh" helps me know that I'm not doing this for nothing. It tells me that something is coming from the lessons, from all the words, from all the conversation. And that makes it 10 times easier to pick myself up and go it again next week.

If one little "ohh" does that much for me, I figure it can do something for someone else as well. So for all the 'ohhs' I've had the blessing of experiencing, I'm going to be working harder to remember that sometimes my preacher can't hear me go "ohh". The co-worker down the hall that has been such a great teacher for me, he's never heard my 'ohh' of understanding. All the people in my life that randomly do stuff that teaches me something more about God, and about life, and walking this walk... every once in a while, I want to make sure they hear me let them know.

Commenters, you spark something in me every time you comment. It's such a joy, a real joy to know someone read this and actually understood what I meant! I get just the right amount of comments. Because too many would give me pride issues, I'm 100% certain. But every once in a while a comment just pops up that encourages me.

And while I'm thanking people... I just want the inventor of the Lemon Berry slush from Sonic, and the creators of Wylers GRAPE kool-aid to know, that they really make rough days better, and I appreciate their contributions to my world.

That is all. :)

A miracle in me.

Wow.

What a night.

It seems almost wrong to write tonight, just because no words I could say would really tell the story of what happened tonight. But it was good. All those things I've been saying for the last couple of years on this blog... they're entirely true.

It's hard to like yourself. Easy to believe bad things about yourself. And really hard to fight for yourself. In one of my posts I remember writing that it's a lot easier to cry to God that you're worthless than it is to yell at the devil that you have value. And the devil certainly creamed me this time.

But tonight I suddenly had the urge to go to my piano, and I found myself singing the old Carmen song "Hunger for Holiness" and one piece of a verse goes like this:

The tempter stalks about me as a lion
Searching for the slightest scent of blood
For when the skin of my resistance is broken
He moves in swiftly to deepen the cut.



And I realized that the intial cut wasn't really all that deep. It was actually more of a scab pulled off an old wound and after months of festering and the devil at work, I found myself with a gaping, gushing, and putrid wound.

I don't know what the difference was tonight. Well I guess I do. God made the difference. I don't know what He was waiting on for me, because tonight didn't feel any different until I sang those words, and the realization of what the devil had done for the last months washed over me.
Even for all the questions that I still have, at this exact moment, I have peace about them.

One thing I do know was different tonight is when I said I needed God, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do it on my own. I couldn't will myself to be at peace. I couldn't decide I would be full of faith. And I couldn't make myself hope. When I said I needed God, I knew there wasn't any other way.

It's late, by my standards, and I've already said a lot, so I'm not going to get in too deep with this post. Especially when I can summarize things pretty easily with very few words.
I've been asking where the God of miracles is, why doesn't He do miracles today. And tonight He did a miracle in me. And while I'd love to see a mountain move, I think this qualifies as a rock moving.

Peace... kinda

So for the last couple of months I've been struggling with a decision. Finally, an opportunity came available, all I had to do was have the courage to take it, or the determination to ignore it and do something else. So I find myself at 1am, trying to puzzle my way through the pros and cons and worst case scenarios. Finally, I stop and I say:

Hey God.
I know we're not on great terms right now, I'm all kinds of ticked off because I don't understand You at all, and at this point, even Santa wouldn't bring me a present.
But I'm going to tell You about this anyway.

And I proceeded to tell Him stuff He already knows. I told Him the reasons for the decisions, and the fear behind the worst case scenario and I said I really wish I knew what the right decision was.
Then, to continue in my vein of honesty, I told Him I wouldn't trust whatever He said about the issue because He might lead me into something awful. All under the label of 'testing' or 'trying'. And yes, Lord, I know I'm whining, but it seems like I've seen more "all things" in my life and other peoples lives, than I've seen them "work together for good".

Then I gave up tossing and turning, and read a book.

An hour later, something entirely unexplainable happened.
I was at peace concerning the decision.
I knew exactly what I was going to do.
And I wasn't obsessing over the worst case scenario or what might happen.
I went to sleep.

I don't remember the last time I experienced something like that. I've been able to be peaceful in the middle of problems before, but this was different because I went from 'not at peace' to 'at peace' within the space of an hour. And that kind of thing just doesn't happen. At least not lately.

So I guess, amidst all my other rantings, I wanted to make sure and give God His props. He did something specifically nice for me, and I appreciate it.

Make of it what you will.

Coming off the last several really rough months I've stepped away from them feeling as though I've been weighed in the balances and found wanting. The faith I thought I had, proved not so strong. I'm not dwelling on it, but when I came across these verses that I'm about to show you, they really spoke to me.

If you've spent much time at all in the book of Ezekiel, you know that God is pretty ticked off. It's verse after verse of "You've played the harlot with your idols" and "I will unleash my fury" and all sorts of other very frightening predictions/declarations if you're looking at it from the receivers point of view. But here, in chapter 20 verses 41-44 there is just a brief moment where you're able to take a breath and remember how merciful God is.



"I will accept you as a sweet aroma when I bring you out from the peoples and gather you out of the countries where you have been scattered; and I will be hallowed in you before the Gentiles. Then you shall know that I am the LORD, when I bring you into the land of Israel, into the country for which I lifted my hand in an oath to give to your fathers. And there you shall remember your ways and all your doings with which you were defiled; and you shall loathe yourselves in your own sight because of all the evils that you have committed. Then you shall know that I am the LORD, when I have dealt with you for My name's sake, not according to your wicked ways nor according to your corrupt doings, O house of Israel," says the Lord GOD'."

It's what I couldn't figure out how to say for the last couple of weeks. I remember crashing. I remember my weakness, my confusion, my inability to stand. And now I'm being gathered together to Him again, and then, I knew that He is the LORD, when He dealt with me for His name's sake, not according to my ways.