The treasures of darkness

And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the LORD, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel. Isaiah 45:3

There is a whole byplay going on in these chapters in Isaiah, that I'm certainly taking the verse out of it's context by displaying only one. However, my ideas on the verse and how they display Gods nature are still fitting (I think).

There was something incredible about that verse that struck me, because anyone that knows me knows that before moving to San Antonio I was going through a pretty dark time. So when I read that verse, I was gripped by it's choice of words. "treasures of darkness", "hidden riches of secret places". Riches in secret places.. Treasures OF darkness - suggesting that the darkness itself is the treasure.

I spend so much of the time surrounding holidays looking for the right gift for people. Not just a gift, not just something they'll like, but that special gift that leaves them happy and excited and never having imagined that they would receive such a gift. I stink at that kind of shopping - but its what I try for none-the-less.

And in so many ways, that's exactly what God has done for me throughout the year. I've discovered treasures and gifts I didn't imagine for myself, yet here they are gracing my life. When He handed me darkness, I didn't treasure it, I didn't say "Wow God! Thanks! It's just what I've always wanted!" But now, a year and a half past the awfulness of it all, I know a darkness that has become a treasure rather than a minefield of suffering.

In those secret places where I sat alone with God and literally screamed at Him for what He'd done - I've found the riches of a relationship with a God I can reach out and not just touch, but grip. I found a God who grips me as well. I've found riches that amaze me.

So when I read a verse and it says: "And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the LORD, which call thee by name, am the God of Israel." I believe it. I absolutely believe it.

I am thankful for my stuff.

Lord may I never complain about the task of packing my many items. As I place item after item into box and bag, and surround it by foam and paper so that it will traverse safely from place to place, let me work with thankfulness for each and every item.

May I bask in the joy of having so much that meets so many needs, rather than groan that those things must be packed.

May I revel in my wealth and luxury, knowing how truly blessed I have been by You, rather than groan saying that some items aren't worth the effort.

May I bless You, in how I treat this time of collecting my things. Let me enter and leave this time rejoicing in how much weight You have given me to carry.
May I speak as Jacob:

Then Jacob...divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands; And said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the other company which is left shall escape.
And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the LORD which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:
I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two bands.

What more has the Lord required?

A couple of nights back, I picked up a book intending to read for a bit. A few paragraphs into the page though I realized I wasn't able to concentrate on my book too well. Odd though it may seem, my heart and mind were anxiously wishing there were something that I could do for God now. NOW. Not later. June and it's move and a return to foster parenting seem so far away right now.

I put the book away and began telling the Father that I wished I could something now, do more, just return to Him some small token of my love and appreciation for all He's done for me. Interestingly enough He gave me a verse. Instead of the scripture reference as He usually gives me, I was reminded of the actual words to the verse - then I had to go look it up remembering only that it's found in Micah somewhere.

It turns out to be Micah 6:8

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

And I realized I have opportunities every single day. I take a little over a hundred calls every single day, so I have at least a hundred people with whom I can deal justly, with a love for mercy, and with humility in my dealings with them before God.

It's hard to remember the Spiritual things in the every day things. It's hard to be on a phone call and while I ponder stats, product codes, and specific verbiage that I need to use and in all of that remember that I can show Gods justice, mercy, and His example of humility.

But for as hard as it is, I think this is where the rubber really meets the road. When you are no longer the Sunday Christian, or the at-home Christian, or the with-your-friends Christian.. but instead you are the Christian for every single moment of the day, in all of your dealings.

I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. And the joy just keeps growing as I remember Him and think of Him throughout the day.
I'd like to just echo the sentiment of one of my customers today: "I AM BLESSED"

And if you'd like to add that sentiment to your checks, just give us a call. :)

Lord I'm amazed by You

I can't praise Him enough.
You think I'm kidding, or trying to sound righteous. I don't worry too much about sounding righteous anymore, I realized how foolish that was since anyone that knows me... well, let's just say they know the truth. :)
But I'm not kidding either.
I just can't praise Him enough.

I've never been so poor, so backed up, so uncertain about tomorrows...
I've never been so grateful, so hopeful, so excited, so overwhelmed with gratitude.

My commute to work is filled with worship that just isn't enough. I'm probably going to die on the 410 loop one day just because the curve is a little sharp to take it with one hand raised and tears blurring your vision. I cannot thank Him enough.

There was a debate at lunch today, as someone made the assertion that God doesn't love poor people. Otherwise they wouldn't be poor. And, as a poor person I was frustrated at what a ridiculous assertion that is. And then my heart was broken as I realized, the person making that assertion was poor. And with every struggle to pay bills, with every thought of how something was out of his ability to afford it, I wondered if he wasn't clouded with doubt concerning Gods amazing love.

It's no wonder my experience as a poor person is vastly different from his. I can hardly breathe sometimes as I write out my bills as I realize that yet again, yet again, yet again, yet again, God has provided. He has provided me an abundance, exceedingly and abundantly beyond. I'm sitting here aching to do something for Him because He's done so much. The greatest of which is simply the greater closeness with Him. I find myself in His presence, shaken and stirred, moved and broken, but more often than not I'm just utterly joyful.

I've found healing in Him that is unimaginable to me. My prayers, sincere and earnest used to come from a broken section of my life that caused more hurt and worry and fear; and now all of that is replaced with adoration and joy and trust and hope. I never used to smile in prayer, if I did it was rare. Now it's rare find me in worship without that stupid smile stretching my cheeks.

I just can't thank Him enough. I can't praise Him enough.

I'd give anything to change the hearts around me. To somehow clear their minds of the lack so that they could finally see the overwhelming abundance. At the same time I wonder if God didn't make them with such a perspective just so they would push to something God has for them. But I also worry they'll receive what it is God had in store for them and with blinded eyes they'll keep looking for something more.

Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have - I wish with all my heart that I could simply give it away to those without, to those suffering from guilt and shame, to those struggling with anger, to those struggling with a feeling of inadequacy to those who simply can't see how great is His love for us. But I can only type it, I can only say it, I can only offer humbly that Jesus Christ LOVES you. He loves you so much, YOU, that He died, He offered His life as sacrifice for YOU, because He was not willing that ANY should perish. Not ONE. And if you ever stop and simply walk into the embrace of that love I can promise you that the things of this earth do grow strangely dim, less important, and the constant ever growing current of His amazing LOVE and MERCY in your life will leave you speechless. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.

He's offering you something that moth and rust can't corrupt. But don't look to see His love in monetary ways first. Dig into the Spiritual gifts, rather than the physical ones. You'll be amazed at what happens.

I gave Him me (not without a few difficulties and the occasional cries of "take back") but the rewards of what I received in return have been more than wonderful.
Lord I'm amazed by You and how You love me.

To sign off this post, I thought I'd include a snippet of our song service today. It's very fitting for this post. Enjoy!

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm home alone this Thanksgiving, and sitting here so happy and blessed I can hardly contain myself. I realize how different life is when you know Christ. Today, I do not take my joy for granted. I know too many others have spent the day alone discouraged, and miserable, broken, and lonely.
But because of Christ I've spent this day alone less alone than I've ever been before.

I had a wonderful day. I'm so thankful that He loves me. Simple as that.

I hope your Thanksgiving was more special than ever before.

God bless.

Don't let the devil show you one tree, when God has planted you a forest.

The lyrics coming to mind right now are "Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side."

And while not everything has come together (I sincerely doubt that until I reach Heaven that I'll be able to conclusively say that "everything" has come together...) I just want to tell you what God has done.

When I left San Antonio at the end of September, I had been job hunting for nearly 4 months with no real success. The only luck I did have was one incredibly fun job that unfortunately netted me about 2-3 hours of pay per week. Needless to say, for some reason I felt that wasn't enough to live off of. Just before I left, I had finally been offered 2 jobs and had to turn them down. I also had two interviews lined up that I had to cancel (interviews were hard to come by as well, so even getting to that stage was progress).

When I submitted to God and said I would return to San Antonio after a month helping my mother I wondered if God had been in my return at all. It had felt like the right thing to do, and today, in hindsight, the month seemed just exactly what was needed. Dad needed a break from mom, and some physical help in doing some of the major renovations he'd begun on what will one day be their home, and here I was ready and able to crawl under the house and get dirty.

When I came back though, in my prayers was that God would bless what I'd done. That He would bless my letting go of San Antonio and doing what I felt was necessary. I suppose it's hard to understand but I didn't want a blessing just because I wanted things to be easier or because I was tired of job hunting or needed money. I truly wanted it just to know that Gods hand of blessing was on something that I had done.

I returned on Sunday night, and began job hunting Monday morning. I went through several interviews and tests with one company and was required to come back a second day for more interviews. On that second day I was hired. I didn't announce it on my blog because there were some negative issues concerning it but deep inside all I could think was "You've really blessed me Lord." 4 months of looking and searching, and He brings about His will in 2 days. I was distinctly impressed with the realization that what I have isn't because I've done something, but because God has. It's easy to neglect that idea.

The only issue was that, well, now it was November 3rd, and my new job wouldn't start till November 18th. I deliberated the idea of continuing the job search in hopes of finding something that would start sooner. But the reality of no money coming in combined with the fact that cars run on gas, equaled the knowledge that if I have no gas I could technically have no job as well if I can't transport myself back and forth until the pay begins. So I sat back, slightly nervously I must say, and waited for the 18th to arrive.

At nearly 7pm on the 17th I received a phone call from the company telling me not to come to work. They'd had a problem with my background and until it was resolved I couldn't come to work. The next training classes would begin in January.

I'd like to tell you that I began fasting and praying, or that I hit my knees and didn't get up from my righteous womans fervent praying until I felt the issue was resolved. But instead all I could feel was quiet. I told God, quite simply, that I could only do what I could do the best I could do it and the rest was up to Him. And then I wrote a blog post about how God had given me too much.

At 8am this morning I stood before the door of their building and asked that God would grant me favor with these people. Then I went in, announced myself, and said I was there to talk to Barbara in HR. I took a seat in the lobby filled with people that were preparing to start that morning. I sat quietly as the receptionist called them all back. I waited alone in the lobby 20 minutes for my audience with Ms. Barbara McCoy.

She was gracious, but very firm. My application was fraudulent, the company I said I worked for for 5 years did not know I existed. They would not hire me. I pointed out the error (they had called the wrong company - which was partially my fault because they had to look up the information because I'd written the wrong area code). I told her that I'd already talked to that employer this morning and that she should have already received an e-mail from them in the last 30 minutes.

She left me alone in the room again while she went to verify the e-mail and some other things that had not been done concerning me. She returned with a welcoming smile and said "Come with me." I suppose I have limited life experience, but I could only imagine those words sounding sweeter coming from my Savior as He welcomed me to Heaven. I have a job.

I've been in San Antonio 5 months without steady work. When I try and stop and figure out how on earth I've paid my bills, I don't have the faintest clue. I really don't. Yet every month I've been able to pull my share and even help others when they've needed it. He's given me too much.

As I studied the facts tonight and that the two tanks of gas required to drive back to my parents for Thanksgiving might be more than I can handle, I talked over the possibility of my not going back for the holiday with my family here. Minutes later I checked my e-mail and someone was interested in something I had on craigslist. There is one tank of gas. Will God provide the 2nd?

None of these things have happened with wild shouts and exclamations of joy but with a suddenly quiet spirit that is willing to just wait and see how it turns out. This has distinctly felt like one of those moments where I just had to hold my peace and let the Lord fight my battles. And He has. And it has been a perfect example of how I am victorious today. Rather than trying to pin it all on "Now the problems are solved it's going to change" it's simply; Today. Sufficient for the day is the trouble thereof - or something like that.

He's given me too much.

I feel like this part should be in a different, separate post so those who aren't interested in the minute details that this post is chock full of wouldn't have to wade through it all - but it fits here so for those that skipped this post because it was too long I'm sorry they missed this part.

At church tonight, the speaker made a point concerning the events of Adam and Eves original sin. If you read from a King James Bible it depicts how God came to Adam and Eve and said "You may eat of all the trees in the Garden. But do not eat of this tree."
The devil came along and said "Did not God say you could not eat of all the trees in the Garden?"

Gods focus in His wording was on all that He has given us. You may eat of ALL the trees - save one.
Whereas the devil twists the words to "You can not eat of all the trees" and taints everything with the one thing forbidden.

In explaining the concept to my niece this evening I gave her the example of when she and her brother were obsessed with heelies. No matter what you gave them, their hearts cry was for heelies and whatever you gave them it wasn't heelies. They couldn't see "all the trees" because the devil had limited their focus to "not ALL", the one thing they didn't have.

And I don't know how to hand you a peace like this except to tell you what God has done for me, and how wonderful it is, how peaceful it is, how precious it is to have my gaze now on "all the trees".
I'm sure my gaze will swing sometime. I'm human and stupid - a LOT. But despite the things that seem to be lacking right now, I can only keep thinking "He's given me too much." There is extra. There is more than enough. More than more than enough.

Don't let the devil show you one tree, when God has planted you a forest.

Too much.

There is a post over at Jon Acuffs' blog "Stuff Christians Like" that I've been reading over and over again called "Two Words".
It's a great post stemming from a comment his daughter made about what might happen after some publishing company bought her daddys book. She announced that if they made too much money they could give it to Vietnam. (He is currently working with his readers to build a 2nd kindergarten over there right now too - click here to give).

In part of this post he said this: "I love that. I love that as a six year old she still believes in the concept of “too much” money. Those words are so foreign to me as an adult. There’s no such thing as “too much” money. That’s crazy talk. Have you ever heard someone at work say, “Yeah, my wife and I realized we have too much money so we’re trying to figure out how to do something with it before it does something with us."

I read that post and I thought about how crazy my focus is sometimes. I'll be the first to tell you what I don't have, what I lack, how I'm not enough. But God has abundantly blessed me with too much. I just don't focus on it, utilize it, or appreciate it.

He's given me too much. He's given me so much that I have enough to give to others.

It's just too easy for me to only see in terms of money and possessions. Or worse yet, to use that money only to acquire those things that I deem to make my life "enough". That attitude only leaves me feeling unsatisfied and frustrated.

But when I really sit back and see what He's done, what He's given me, how He has blessed me, I can only see, with joy overflowing, that I've got too much. How can I give it away.

For me, part of it lately has been to pour it into this blog. I am encouraged, I am blessed, I am hopeful, and it's all during some pretty scary times. So whatever your scary time, whatever you're facing where you're tempted to believe whatever it is isn't "enough", let me give you some of my peace. He's given me too much.
Let me give you some of my hope. He's given me too much.
Let me give you some of my joy. He's given me too much.
Let me tell you what God has done. He's done too much.

There's a hand holding my tire and I don't mind.

Okay, it's not so much that I don't mind that there is a hand holding my tire when I ride my bicycle every day, but this morning a thought occurred to me that I can be thankful for that hand.

Every morning it seems, as I ride my bike merrily along the way, at some point I come to a seemingly flat surface and yet it's as hard to move along as if I were trying to trek up a steep incline. I half-jokingly griped to God this morning that apparently the devil didn't want me to exercise so he was holding my tire and I was having to drag him along.

Instantly, as though continuing a longstanding conversation, the words returned to me; "Then as long as you keep going, he's only making you stronger."

And I realized how much stronger I am now for having faced the hills, for having continued pedaling when my flat surface seemed not-so-flat. "I thank God for the mountains, and I thank God for the valleys,..." Because of those problems, because of those physical struggles I can go farther and longer than I could 5 months ago when I first moved here.

And as I looked back quickly into the last 8 years of my life, I saw a lot of times where it was really hard to keep going, where I felt held back, tripped up, or just couldn't see how the obstacle I had to climb was able to be clumb. Yeah spell checker, I know that's not a word.

And yet God let me face them. Not because He gets some sadistic pleasure out of seeing me struggle but because He wants me to grow, to be strong, to learn, to understand, to chase after Him and His will with a drive and purpose and with stamina built by facing the daily challenges life brings me.

So often I've noticed me and my bike only have stamina to make it up the short hills, but the long ones require the foolish looking "park on the side of the road panting for a minute while drivers point and laugh". Okay, I made the pointing and laughing up but still...

When I moved to San Antonio, I never thought it would take quite so long to get settled, I didn't imagine mothers having heart attacks, or parents threatening to separate, or pills making my mother's alzheimers a thousand times worse. I didn't imagine half of the struggles I've run into since I've made it here. And this hill sometimes seems too long, as though I only have strength for a short struggle and if this is going to continue I will need a place to rest and pant and recover my strength.

But as I pushed through today, riding down my flat surface and imagining the devil hanging onto my bike tire, I could only tell God how much I appreciate the struggle. So again Lord, thank You for allowing me these struggles. I wouldn't have chosen them for myself but You have chosen the ones that You know You have already strengthened me to face. I remember riding up that long hill the other day and asking You for strength to make it up and I will never forget what You told me. You said that You'd already given me the strength to make it up the hill, but that I must only have the will to use it to the end.

So thank You, even when I cry and complain that the hills of life are too hard, that the grief or challenge is too overwhelming, I know that You have directed these things into my path so that as I go through I will be stronger. I'll whine and moan again Lord, I always seem to...but just keep reminding me would you? remind me that there's a purpose and a plan and those things are always for the best and that these struggles aren't meaningless.
Help me have stamina for the journeys Lord, for the long hills I'll face. I'll face the hills you bring me Lord, and as long as I don't stop I know I'll be stronger because of them.
Help me never stop.
I love You.
Amen.

Attitude adjustments - Watch your words.

All I have needed, thy hands have provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

I'm listening to this song right now; summer, winter, springtime and harvest, join in witness to His great faithfulness, mercy and love.

I'm in a tranquil place at the moment, looking out the window at my tree, ceiling fan blowing a perfect breeze, and my laptop exactly where I like it: in my lap.

And all I have needed, His hands have provided.

It's easy to tell myself otherwise, because often as not, I erroneously put my "wants" in the "need" column. But in truth, all I have needed His hands have provided.

But I've noticed lately that I'm becoming a complainer. I see the negative, and complain about the negative, more than I sit back and enjoy the positive. I don't appreciate that in others, and especially don't appreciate it in myself.

So tonight I retreated to quiet; restraining myself from the negative comments and excessive use of sarcasm. I didn't win the entire battle, but I gained ground and that is progress.

Proverbs 16:24 says that pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones. And as I considered the verse, I had to change my thinking a little bit because I naturally assume the words go out to other people and are sweet to their souls, and health to their bones. Turning it around I saw it from the direction of my own words being sweet to my soul, and health to my bones.

So many sins, and faults we see as harming other people, but most often the people we hurt most are ourselves. In todays culture it seems almost insanity to find some young crippled up, sickly person and say to them that their bad attitude that they have carried all their lives has crippled them and if they would only be more pleasant...

But repeatedly, God tells us just that.

So watch your heart, watch your mouth, guard your attitude. And when you find yourself, just as I did, seeing more negatives around you than positives, stop it in it's tracks. Spend time, as I'm doing right now listening to songs of Gods faithfulness and provision, praying, steeping yourself in His word. And then do not give yourself permission to voice negatives (except in the obvious cases where it is necessary for change or correction). Once you retract the permission to be negative, you'll begin to catch yourself more often until you are able to not only not be negative, but have found those pleasant words that will be sweet to your soul, and health to your bones.

I can think of no nicer, more refreshing reason to be healthy, than the fact that you chose to keep your words healthy and your body followed suit.

Thank You Lord for not letting me blindly continue in sinfulness, and attitudes and speech that do not reflect Your goodness and mercy.

God is on your side.

Instantly, as I typed the title of this post, the traditional religious remark came to mind "God doesn't need to be on your side, YOU need to be on GODS side."
And I'm remembering a recent post someone wrote about how Christians too often think God has done something for them when in actuality God does nothing except for His own glory.

And while initially, arguments like that resonate with me and I tend to agree - I have seen a pattern of things in my life where I was the only one who knew what God did. So the glory He would have received from it would have only come from me. But that means the only reason God does nice things for me is so that I will glorify Him.

That speaks a lot about motivation. He didn't do it because He loved, but because He would be glorified.

I'm horrible about arguing spiritual points simply because someone who has actually studied scripture (as opposed to my read-and-think method) usually knocks my arguments over with verse after verse. And here I sit with only John 3:16.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

His motivations are spoken of in that verse. It's typical cause and effect. Because God loved us He sent His Son.
Perhaps I get caught away with an overly emotional view of God but, I can't help but believe that God loves us first, and an effect of that is glory.

All that to tell this story.

I went to a church program this morning. They were giving out school supplies so my sister-in-law and I took the kids by at the invitation of a lady we'd met in the supermarket the night before.
2 hours later, we'd stood waiting, while they blared incredible loud hip hop music through the speakers. We'd watched kids take the stage and do "Dance offs", play multiple rounds of "Let's make a deal", and a fashion show. We'd been subjected to a barrage of sales people - State Farm, Allstate, two different home health agencies, credit card applications, jewelry sales, and 2 different entities wanting to take the kids fingerprints.
I saw a world around me that, while some may have known God, I knew many of them probably didn't - and here, trapped in this large auditorium with an incredible opportunity to tell them of Gods love, they didn't. After 2 hours of waiting, (because they only passed out the school supplies twice an hour to the first 15 people in line) we left mid-fashion show.

I walked away disappointed. Where was God in all this? I was hurt, and more than a little tired because I've been bearing the standard "There ARE Christians, true, God-seeking Christians here in this town." and while I have found them, there are just so many other examples of what Christianity shouldn't be here that it's overwhelming.

I came home, snapped at my family, and told them to go on their plans for the afternoons outing without me. Then, I found my quiet place and tearfully asked God "Where is Your Church?"
I could think of no other question than that. I was angry, disappointed, hurt, tired, frustrated, and a few more synonyms for "upset" that I can't think about right now.

An hour later, my family left on their plans.
30 minutes after that a pastor showed up at my door.
He, and his congregant, wanted to thank us for coming to his church last week and talk to us.
They both sat and talked about biblical things with me for an hour.
I was sorry to see them go.

I believe God had a special timing for that visit, maybe nothing about our unplanned and certainly impromptu stop at their church last week was supposed to mean anything for anyone else but I believe God knew I could use some one to talk to today.
And I think He did it just because He really truly loves me and cares about my needs.
And that's why I wanted to write this - to give Him glory.

This is my story.

I've been thinking about "Confess your faults one to another."

Granted, you don't want to just blurt everything out to everyone - but how challenging would it be to sit down in your church building, with the church of God around you, and admit that you'd sinned, and were struggling with a sin and wanted them to pray with you?

Occasionally, someone else will mention that someone is struggling. And we'll all pray.
But never once, have I see someone stand up and say, "Hey, I used to be an alcoholic and I really am struggling to not take a drink lately - please pray!"

Or, "I'm addicted to pornography. I'm trying to beat it, but temptation just overcomes me sometimes, please keep me in prayer."

How about, "I'm a bad steward of my money (or health), and God's been convicting me about it. Please help me pray."

Maybe, "There's a guy/girl at work and I'm struggling to keep my thoughts in check."

We don't have anything like that though. And honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation because I might be confessing some serious sin in my life while you pray for me and then you'll "confess" that you haven't been reading your Bible as much as you should.

*sigh*

Excuse me while I roll my eyes.

There's the Christian world out there that just doesn't sin anymore. They apparently never lie. They never struggle with their temper. They never lose control of their tongue. They never act hateful towards their spouse even. God's just good all the time. They've always had a 'fine' week and except for the fact that they aren't reading their bible as much as they should, they're in perfect spiritual condition. :)

har.

Har de har har.

But I know why we smile, why our biggest confessed sins are not even sins at all.

At least I know why mine are.

I don't want to admit my deepest sins even to myself. Much less to you. You won't look at me the same if I told you. You think I'm spiritual now, and if I confess to you, if I actually confess my faults - you'll change how you think of me. Will you still trust me? Will my sins repulse you?

You won't know how to respond.

I wonder though, how you get that. How do you find a segment of believers that confess our faults to one another. We confess faithlessness and hypocrisy, we confess our desires for growth and what we're doing to grow. We talk, curiously and with wonder about what God is taking us into next. And we, for certain, are always attempting to grow.

Just as I said yesterday though, it's my fault that I don't have that right now. Besides my outrageously bad relationship skills, it's entirely up to me to open my mouth and continuously draw others into the conversation that I would like to begin. Until someone else becomes enraptured in the conversation as well.


.... The post stalled here.


When I got stuck I did what I always do. I flipped the laptop shut and I went to my piano. I sat, I played, and prayed and praised. And in the scattered songs I suddenly found myself singing the chorus to "Blessed Assurance." It says: "This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior, all the day long."

And the thought came to me that when we fail to confess our sins, we're hiding away our story. I didn't read you the chapter where I struggled with lying, or where rage controlled me. I skipped whole chunks of my story where internet pornography was an issue for me and somehow God helped me past it. I barely even summarized the 18 chapters where I played the hypocrite.

Those are the chapters that leave me praising God "all the day long." Those chapters. I can tell you I was lost but now I'm found. But that pathetic statement is like saying September 11th, 2001 was the day a couple of buildings fell down. It doesn't tell you what happened.

When you confess your sins, who you really are, who you have been, and who you never want to be again, you're letting people read the story as it happens. So tomorrow, when you're "praising your Savior all the day long." They'll be in awe and wonder too.

Find it. Maybe just get a blog and start writing it if you have to. Twitter it. Facebook it. Myspace it. The world is full of stories, but the most amazing ones are hidden behind shame and pride. Those are the ones that give God glory though. And what do you have to be proud about... you're dead right?

God can use anything better than you.

GO read Nancy's post. I loved this growing up but I've never seen it done the way she did it.
It'll take two seconds. Seriously. GO.

A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G

The power of "Oh"

In Sunday School class yesterday, we began looking at Colossians 3. One of the kids happens to be in the process of writing out this chapter 500 times (I'm so glad my parents never considered this punishment!). So I figured this was a pretty good time for us to look at it and figure out what it means. Hopefully, by doing this at #9, the words will mean even more to him by #472.

So we were talking about the old man, and him dying. And next week we're going to start on the new guy... but in talking about the old man I mentioned my old analogy of it being a real person, only this time I was clumsily trying to figure out how to make this analogy work for kids ranging from ages 7 - 16.
So our 'best friend' died. Our best friend liked certain types of movies, our best friend liked to smoke, our best friend liked to read dirty books. Then our best friend died. But we still went to the store and bought his favorite books, and we read them. Then we stopped at the theatre, saw a movie he would have enjoyed, and we went in and watched it.
I have to tell you, the effort was clumsy.
But I finished this clumsy analogy, and I had 4 kids staring at me (the 5th was so young I'm pretty sure it didn't sink in), and then one of the older ones said 'Ohhh."

And it was just as clear as a bell that at least that one had really gotten it. The others looked like they'd gotten it as well. But that one, softly spoken 'ohhh' really hit me.

Sometimes it's just the greatest blessing to know that your clumsiest efforts can be used by God. Sure it'd be nice to be one of those teachers that can explain things in the absolutely best ways so kids understand, and not only understand but get excited about them. But I'm not one of those. Teaching, most definitely, is not one of my giftings!

One of the things that my mom used to say was that God doesn't always call the qualified, but He qualifies the called. The quality, in these lessons is certainly not with the teacher. But God is able to do something with these things. When my best isn't good enough, or when I just downright fail to communicate my point, God can still use my words, and my efforts.
It'd be great to be a good teacher, but it's not about that.
It's about the God, who was able to feed 5,000 with just a few fishes, being able to feed 5, with 45 minutes of my less than talented teaching.

It's also not about me not being good enough. But about God being more than enough.

As I've stumbled through the last months, I've come to realize that God could easily be working on my pride right now. It's easy for me to focus on how religious I know how to be. But Gods working in me something that I can't fake my way through. Any dope can learn to play the piano and play for church.
But when you open your mouth to teach kids... that's when people, the most impressionable people in the world, are going to see what you're really made of.

Also, that "ohh" helps me know that I'm not doing this for nothing. It tells me that something is coming from the lessons, from all the words, from all the conversation. And that makes it 10 times easier to pick myself up and go it again next week.

If one little "ohh" does that much for me, I figure it can do something for someone else as well. So for all the 'ohhs' I've had the blessing of experiencing, I'm going to be working harder to remember that sometimes my preacher can't hear me go "ohh". The co-worker down the hall that has been such a great teacher for me, he's never heard my 'ohh' of understanding. All the people in my life that randomly do stuff that teaches me something more about God, and about life, and walking this walk... every once in a while, I want to make sure they hear me let them know.

Commenters, you spark something in me every time you comment. It's such a joy, a real joy to know someone read this and actually understood what I meant! I get just the right amount of comments. Because too many would give me pride issues, I'm 100% certain. But every once in a while a comment just pops up that encourages me.

And while I'm thanking people... I just want the inventor of the Lemon Berry slush from Sonic, and the creators of Wylers GRAPE kool-aid to know, that they really make rough days better, and I appreciate their contributions to my world.

That is all. :)

A miracle in me.

Wow.

What a night.

It seems almost wrong to write tonight, just because no words I could say would really tell the story of what happened tonight. But it was good. All those things I've been saying for the last couple of years on this blog... they're entirely true.

It's hard to like yourself. Easy to believe bad things about yourself. And really hard to fight for yourself. In one of my posts I remember writing that it's a lot easier to cry to God that you're worthless than it is to yell at the devil that you have value. And the devil certainly creamed me this time.

But tonight I suddenly had the urge to go to my piano, and I found myself singing the old Carmen song "Hunger for Holiness" and one piece of a verse goes like this:

The tempter stalks about me as a lion
Searching for the slightest scent of blood
For when the skin of my resistance is broken
He moves in swiftly to deepen the cut.



And I realized that the intial cut wasn't really all that deep. It was actually more of a scab pulled off an old wound and after months of festering and the devil at work, I found myself with a gaping, gushing, and putrid wound.

I don't know what the difference was tonight. Well I guess I do. God made the difference. I don't know what He was waiting on for me, because tonight didn't feel any different until I sang those words, and the realization of what the devil had done for the last months washed over me.
Even for all the questions that I still have, at this exact moment, I have peace about them.

One thing I do know was different tonight is when I said I needed God, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do it on my own. I couldn't will myself to be at peace. I couldn't decide I would be full of faith. And I couldn't make myself hope. When I said I needed God, I knew there wasn't any other way.

It's late, by my standards, and I've already said a lot, so I'm not going to get in too deep with this post. Especially when I can summarize things pretty easily with very few words.
I've been asking where the God of miracles is, why doesn't He do miracles today. And tonight He did a miracle in me. And while I'd love to see a mountain move, I think this qualifies as a rock moving.

Would Jesus have the Holiday Spirit?

I guess the big WWJD movement has passed. You don't find the bracelets/bumper stickers/t-shirts/bookmarks/books/coffee mugs/floor mats/have I made/my point yet? - being sold nearly as much as you use to.
But, as I woke up this morning I wondered.... how would Jesus celebrate Thanksgiving?

Would He go eat with family? For some reason, I'm not sure He would.
He held to the Passover tradition. Did that feel like a holiday? Even then, He didn't go to His parents for a Passover Lamb. But He did honor it with His disciples. Who cooked the passover meal for Him?

I don't think Jesus would celebrate by watcing the parades this morning. Or eating till He was stuffed.

When Christmas rolls around, I don't think He'd buy toys and games for kids that have toys and games. I think His gifts would be far more practical, and not necessarily given to those he's related to or friends with. I think He'd give where the need was. Not where the expectation was.

That's not to say He doesn't bless us beautifully with things. My job is certainly a gift that went beyond meeting a practical need. He can be extravagant. But it's with a very specific purpose. He doesn't fulfill our every wish, but He certainly sees those deep desires of our hearts and every now and then wraps one up and sets them by our door.

I want to celebrate the way Jesus would celebrate.

BUT.

I don't know a lot of people that have physical needs. I don't know people that can't afford to have a turkey dinner today much less people that can't afford to eat at all. I just don't know that many people with real physical needs.

Jesus would though. Because Jesus would have spent the entire year looking for them, getting to know them, and teaching them about Himself and His Father, while meeting those daily needs. He would become known to them, and they would bring others to Him for His provision. And His small group of needy people, would become a large group of touched people.

So it's not really all about what I do on Thanksgiving day. It's what I do all year long.

God knows where to find them. He knows, if He walked into my town exactly where He would begin His ministry, and what He would do to begin it. I want to do it in His stead so I guess I need to check in with the Boss and see what He wants me to do.

God is good, He is gracious, and this Thanksgiving I'm very thankful for Him.

Give Thanks.

It's Wednesday.
The day before that wonderful day of Thanksgiving.

Happy Wednesday.


I'm thankful.
I'm thankful for the foster child I had an that is gone.
I'm thankful for Little One, the foster child that's still here.
I'm thankful for the house God pushed me into buying.
I'm thankful for the job He gave me despite my best efforts to unimpress.
I'm thankful for the cheap car He gave me that takes a beating from the kids I've hauled and yet it rarely complains. (why is the hood so much fun to climb on?)
I'm thankful for my church. And the knowledge that it's the place I'm suppose to be at right now.
I'm thankful for my family, and the fact that they all know God.
I'm thankful for my niece and nephew and the time they get to spend with me.
I'm thankful for the new friends I've made this year.
I'm thankful for the plans God has given me for new ministries.
I'm thankful for the lessons, regardless of how difficult, that I've learned this year.
I'm thankful that most people are people of good character, even if they aren't people of God.
I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit.
I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit.
I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit.
I'm thankful.