I passed.

I've been strongly convicted by the sermons from Paul Washer. Strongly convicted.
So I listened to a sermon called "Examine yourselves" slightly nervously as he told me right from the beginning of the message that he was going to go through 1st John and give us a "Are you saved" test based on 1st John.

And even though I know I'm saved, I couldn't stop myself from thinking, man.. I hope I pass.

Is this man of God going to point out something from the scriptures that condemns me? Is the Word of God itself going to tell me something I thought I was doing and wasn't? Is it going to shine a bright light on some nasty sin in my heart I didn't realize was there?

So we went verse by verse through 1st John.

And, while he mentioned some things that challenged me to dig deeper and grow stronger in my own knowledge of the Word of God and in my willingness to look foolish for the Gospel message, I reached the end of the message with great joy.

I passed the test.

It seems silly to say it, or possibly arrogant even (and I certainly don't mean it to sound that way) but it did give strength, confidence that while I'm not perfect, and have loads of growing to do - I'm saved. The scriptures, the words of God Himself confirm this in my heart and I'm....almost surprised.

I suffer from a severe case of "not good enough". If you hand me a measuring bar I'll break my neck trying to measure up. If I reach it easily, I assume you didn't make the stick right. And yet here I was taking a test of the heart. My stick wasn't going to be man-made necessarily (though Paul Washer is human and could fail if he'd misapplied the scriptures) but it was going to be a bar of which it is said: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.(Hebrews 4:12)

I. Fail. So. Much.

I'm so ... profoundly inadequate. I see it. I know it.

Yet when I listened to 1st John describe the heart of one saved, I was not discouraged.
When I heard Paul Washer speak about the heart of one saved, I was not frustrated.
When I read 1st John for myself tonight to make sure Paul Washer was right, I was amazed.

I began the sermon expecting to find condemnation, and didn't find it. And the first thing I read when I read the book for myself tonight was that this book was not written to condemn the sinner.

He begins the book "These things we write to you that your joy may be full."
He ends the book " These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God."
I've listened to him (Paul Washer) preach so much about how my mind will lie to me, and my heart is deceitful above all things. Those words created a wonder in me about my salvation, it made me ... I suppose as his sermon was titled "Examine Myself". My heart tells me I'm saved, my mind tells me I'm saved - but those things lie. But the Word of God will not lie.
I passed.

I hope you pass too.

Taking care of ourselves.

Awhile back I was reading in Acts and chapter 4 really caught my attention. It's just shortly after Pentecost exploded on them, the disciples (plus some) were filled with the Holy Ghost, and things began to change for them. They began teaching people, healing people, doing some amazing things and sure enough, here came the leaders to tell them to stop. They threatened them and told them to no longer teach in the name of Jesus. So Peter and John then responded with a statement that's quite well known: "For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard".

Peter and John came back to the group, told them about how they were threatened and told quite bluntly "Don't talk about Jesus anymore" (basically). All the people then, stood up and prayed "God help us be bold" (basically).

And now, Lord, behold their threatenings: and grant unto thy servants, that with all boldness they may speak thy word, Acts 4:24

Do you know what they didn't pray?

"God give us favor with these leaders."
"God protect us"
"God give us justice"
"God give us new leaders"
"God help us not get caught"

And do you know what happened?

And when they had prayed, the place was shaken where they were assembled together; and they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and they spake the word of God with boldness.
And the multitude of them that believed were of one heart and of one soul: neither said any of them that ought of the things which he possessed was his own; but they had all things common.
And with great power gave the apostles witness of the resurrection of the Lord Jesus: and great grace was upon them all.
Neither was there any among them that lacked: for as many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the prices of the things that were sold,
And laid them down at the apostles' feet: and distribution was made unto every man according as he had need.
And Joses, who by the apostles was surnamed Barnabas, (which is, being interpreted, The son of consolation,) a Levite, and of the country of Cyprus,
Having land, sold it, and brought the money, and laid it at the apostles' feet. Acts 4:31-37

It was a time in history that I'd give my eye teeth to have been a part of. For a short period of time, it was the perfect church.

And while I'm sure there are many keys in this chapter as to how to get the perfect church, the biggest part that always jumps out at me is their prayer.
We pray for protection from pain, and I can't seem to find a lot of Biblical examples of that. And certainly none that plead for that protection to the magnitude that we do - and we're not even asking it for the gospels sake. We're just asking for less financial worries so we can go out to eat more often, and maybe upgrade to the HD channels on our HDTV.

It's just natural instinct to say "self first". These guys knew the leaders weren't making idle threats though, and yet their first prayer was "Give us boldness". I'm betting they knew they were a little short on boldness.

It's a challenging thought, because even I see the value of adding a "...and protect us" to the prayer. But I wonder.. I just wonder.. if God doesn't want us to stop praying about our own care and leave that up to Him.

Protecting God.

        I have tried very hard over the last many years to be a good daughter because I've got a lot to make up for. I'm the one that didn't go to college, my brother did. I'm the one still single, my brother's married with two kids. I've tried to make up for those "failures" by being around more to help since that's what the single daughter is supposed to be good for.

But shortly after my mom began going downhill and things really became difficult for my parents, God moved me to San Antonio. My mom is there. I am here. My mom wants me there. She does not understand at all why I am not there. Some of her family have pointed out that I should be there, and while that's difficult to face, nothing - and I mean nothing - compares to my mother crying and saying she thought I would take care of her and help her.

To others, as they question what I am going to do about the situation I can only point them to her caregiver. Because it isn't me. It should be me.

        But one thing I don't do is tell the questioners why it's not me. I don't tell them God moved me to San Antonio. I don't tell them about moving in with my parents for a month, then finally going back to San Antonio because I knew I was out of Gods will.

I don't tell them that because they might think God is wrong. And apparently I feel the need to protect Gods reputation. I believe that if people heard the story, they would blame God and say that's ridiculous. Or they may just say I don't know what I'm talking about. Or maybe they won't say anything at all, but they'll walk away thinking "Just someone else that doesn't want to do the right thing and is going to pin it on God." Either way, it still looks bad on God. I'll feel like a bad daughter either way it goes so it really doesn't matter which conclusion they come to about me.

But here is the reason that daughters aren't supposed to protect their Fathers. It's simple even. Father knows best. See? Just that simple.


I know God put me here.
Everything God does is to bring glory to Himself.
So the end result of me being where He brought me is going to bring Him glory.

At least it will, if I don't try and hide His involvement. All of my wonderful "protection" is holding back some of the glory that God could be getting as I bear witness to His leading and guidance in the situation.

        That said: God moved me to San Antonio knowing that I wouldn't be around to help my mother during the hardest time in her life. I feel sick about it, but I know God has a plan and it's for our good. More than I want to help her, I need to obey God. So here we are. I don't understand it any more than you do probably. But I believe God. I'm willing to risk my mothers life on it.

I'm laying it all on the line, it's all on God. I know what I know, I believe what I believe, and God is in charge. If that means I have to do something odd - then God can have the ridicule, I'll be a willing vessel. And my words will point to Him in good things and bad.

He can handle it.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus... but to trust and obey.

It IS for me.

This is a part 2 to my first post "Welcome to Heaven...erm...I mean the library"
I need to add something to my first post, because it was a strong message for me.

~~~~~~~~~~

Wandering through the halls of that beautiful library I was clutching something awful. An overdue library book. I could have rechecked it online so it wouldn't be late, but for some reason I only believe in doing that for books I haven't finished yet. If I've finished it, there's no good reason I haven't returned it, so I feel I ought to pay the fine. It sounds absurd to me too, but alas! I am me.

So there I am walking through that library, holding the dreaded overdue book, and I wasn't sure of my standing with the library. If I went to check something out, (they have automated self-check out machines) would it refuse me because I owed the fine? And even without that, as I wandered from room to room, floor to floor, a haunted feeling of "It won't work out" followed me.
It seemed as though at any moment someone would say "I'm sorry miss, you don't have the right membership to be in this library." It was ridiculous. It's a public library. I have a public library card. And while my head told me this all throughout my explorations, something in my heart wasn't confident that I would leave with books that day.

I equated the library to Heaven in my first post, and when I do so again I see something that all too often believers do. We shy away from the biggest and the best that God tries to offer us because we just don't think something so amazing is meant for us. Love so freely given and genuine? Forgiveness, free and full and utterly complete? Mercy that leads us into beauty and power even while we are children just stumbling along? Truth, undeniable and infallible in a world where everything has become subjective?
For me?

As we sit at His table and begin to eat and grow in the riches of His goodness and grace given to us - we shift our heads to the left and right, and with tentative hands we take, we taste, we experience, just waiting for someone to finally intervene and say "No miss,' or "No sir," "I'm sorry, but this isn't for you, it's for the others."

When I finally went to the librarians desk with the stack of books I desired to check out, and my one overdue book I explained that I probably had a fine that I needed to pay before I checked out the other books. He took the offending book, scanned it, and announced that the book had been due the day before but no fines had been assessed to my account. I was in good standing. I was free to go and read in peace.

One day, as I stand before my LORD, I will sit and wait explaining my only - my only - ticket of entrance is Jesus Christ, and dear Lord, is my name written down?

I'll be in good standing that day as well. So though my knees will probably quake and barely hold me as I wait for the response; and though my heart and mind fail to reassure me sometimes that my faults and failures weren't stronger than His perfect redeeming blood; it's just not true.

I'm in good standing.

If you're not in good standing, you can be with simple repentance, belief, and trusting in Him and allowing Him to be your Savior.

Then we will all go and read in peace. Because I'm pretty sure there are books in Heaven. :)

See you there.

Coming out of the closet.

I am blessed beyond description to have found one of my favorite online ministers sermons are not blocked through my work filters. So at work I've been listening to sermons quite a bit - I'm looking forward to posting a clip of one so you can enjoy perhaps the same breakthrough I had.
But in one of his sermons he said just a fast statement that stopped me in my tracks.

"You praise what you love."

Man, have you seen that new movie Avatar?? The graphics are AWESOME!
Have you got the new Itouch 4? The apps on this is just amazing!
The Cowboys are definitely going to make it to the superbowl this year, their players are more sober and less drugged up than any year before!
Have you seen the pictures of the Audi A9??? MAN that car is Saweeeeeeet!
Wow! I just bought a new Wii and this thing is the best gaming system I've used yet!
Have you been to the China Dragon? Chicken Fried Rice man, it's the best I've ever had.

And the thing is, I don't care who you're talking to, you'd be willing to say those things. I'd tell a vegetarian how great the chicken fried rice is, and I'd tell an Amish man how great the Itouch4 is (if there even is such a thing... I don't have it, I made the name up.. I think).
But when it comes to telling the world how great Jesus is, first we skirt through all our knowledge of a person, consider how easily they're offended and how likely our specific praise is to set something off, then we consider things that have happened to them recently to make sure our "good news" isn't stomping on their "bad day" which might make them even angrier.
All that speculation just to say "Hey, last night I was really discouraged but wow... God touched me and I've got joy this morning that just doesn't make sense.

I honestly feel stuffed in a closet. And if homosexuality can come out of it into the public world, then the Gospel of Jesus Christ most certainly needs to get out of it. For I am NOT ashamed of the Gospel, but I am too timid about it.

It's time for that to change.

I needed to be broke.

My savings account was depleted when I first moved to San Antonio. And I spent 5 long months looking for a job. The money was gone, nothing was coming in. Yet somehow I paid my bills, paid my rent, and helped out others that couldn't pay their bills, and never once encountered over-draft charges from my bank. I still smile about that one.

This month and last month have/had challenges all their own but I'm not the least bit afraid to meet them. When I first saw the situation I immediately thought "oh no... what will I do?" but the second thought was, "What am I talking about? I'll do the same thing I did last time except better this time - I'll trust God."

For that reason, I have to say I needed to be broke financially. God needed to bring me to San Antonio, break my bank, and force me to trust Him. And He did. I found myself in a situation so completely beyond myself that I couldn't imagine how to survive - and God just worked. God. Just. Worked.
If He hadn't of let me be broke, I would never have realized that I'm never broke as long as I've got God. I've got enough. I needed to be broke.

~~~~

I needed to be broke.

Last year, when I moved I was in pieces. My blog certainly shows it. I was angry with God, at odds with my church, and hurting more than I remember being hurt before. I tried every trick in the world to put myself back together again - including a 40 days of faith series. Ironic since despite my words I was the most faithless person I knew. Some parts of me were not quite as bad as it was before but I was still broken, and hurting, struggling every day to just get through.

It's hard to say this because I remember it quite vividly, but I needed to be broke.

People I walked proudly in front of have now seen me at my worst. I'm probably still proud in ways I shouldn't be, but coming through this I've found myself in the grip of the God who can put me back together. He is the God of the broken.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think the idea behind being broken is simply that whether it's financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental. Just the word broken - I went to Merriam Webster and looked it up just to see how he defined it and I'd like you to read the definitions associated with "broken"


1 : violently separated into parts : shattered
2 : damaged or altered by breaking : having undergone or been subjected to fracture : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c : violated by transgression d: discontinuous, interrupted : disrupted by change
3 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : crushed, sorrowful c : bankrupted
4 a : cut off : disconnected
5 : not complete or full

I wouldn't recommend brokenness as a constant state. But I think everyone needs that time in their lives. Probably more than once. But I can think of no better way to understand how great, and how powerful God is than to experience Him at your weakest.

I wouldn't have the relationship with Him that I have right now if I hadn't been broke, both financially and emotionally and Spiritually. I wouldn't. I would still know the words, but now I've experienced the words.

I just needed to be broke.

Confession my faults - Fear.

I like apologizing.

I know what you're thinking, and I saw that eye-roll. You'll just have to trust me on this. I like apologizing. I enjoy naming how my sin was wrong, bringing it to light, and letting someone know I'm sorry not just for doing whatever, but for the disrespect, unkindness, selfishness, whatever sinful nature was rearing up to cause the action in the first place.

It leaves me feeling like I just kicked dirt in the devils eye. I like to take sin seriously - not in that I would think about it all the time, but that when I do find it in my life I figure out what it really is.

I've been stressed out lately. I didn't realize it until the other night but the move I'm about to make and all it's little ramifications was scaring me. I did some math the other day and, living on my own, after bills here I'd have $52 left for groceries for the month.

It's not that I don't think I'll eat, because I know God will provide work and money so I actually don't think I'll go without. It just made me realize how close to the line I'm going to be. If emergencies come up...

And I became afraid.
I didn't rest in the promise that God would supply my needs, He would help me, and give me wisdom as to the house to choose and what actions to take in order to use the money He's provided me with wisely.

As I grew more afraid, my actions around my poor housemates changed as well.

The turning point was when I griped at my nephew for dumping his water out to put fresh water in his cup. He said it was old and I griped something about how water doesn't taste old after 3 hours.
Then later that evening, I brought my cup downstairs, dumped the water out, rinsed the cup and refilled it with fresh water.

Instantly I was convicted.

And I did something I hadn't done too recently; I went to my bedroom, dropped to my knees beside my bed and I wept before God. I repented of my actions towards my family, and I prayed He would help me not just to treat them as He would, but that He would calm my fears and I would simply trust Him for my needs without worry.

I told Him I was stressed out, worried, and anxious and I didn't know how to handle the changes coming up on my own. I told Him I loved Him dearly, and that I hadn't been showing it - and I was so very sorry for how off-track my heart had wandered from the path and that I needed Him to draw me nearer, because I just wasn't close enough. I need Him more.

Wednesday night on the way home from church I was working on memorizing 2 Chronicles 7:14 with the kids: If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from Heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.

It seemed that night, those words were prophetic as I unthinkingly acted them out. But I got up that evening forgiven. Regrets can't be changed, but forgiveness is wonderful. But I didn't realize until later that God had worked on healing my land as well. Today is different, I don't know how or where I'll ultimately end up but... There is something new inside me that's able to trust for this now. And I came home and it was probably one of the more peaceful, kind nights at the house.

The night I repented, afterwards I stayed up late reading 1 John. When I reached 5:4 I found another verse that I set about trying to memorize. It's well worth memorizing if you'd like to try.

For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world; even our faith. 1 John 5:4

Watch your language!

"I'm ugly"
"I'm fat"
"I'm stupid"
"I'm not good enough"
"I'm worthless"
"What's the point?"
"I don't care"
"It doesn't matter anyway"
"Whatever"
"You're mean"
"You're an idiot"
"You're lazy"
"You're a slob"
"He's two fries short of a happy meal"
"He's dumber than an ox"
"Nobody likes him"
"He's worse than the other one"
"We'll never make it"
"It'll be too late anyway"
"I'll never find it"
"I'll never beat this"
"I hate doing this (chore/work/task)"

Do you feel inspired yet?
Here is one thing I know - I've never regretted hoping for something. I've never regretted saying a kind word. I've never regretted encouraging someone.

Here's a second thing I know - I've made a difference in lives hoping for something. I've made people happier by saying a kind word. I've inspired someone to do better by encouraging them.

So, please, I beg you, start using different words. You tear down not just others but yourself - you're so much better than this. Your words matter so much, and make more of a difference than you know! You have power that you aren't even aware of, and if you use it unwisely or carelessly because you just don't place a value on your words - people get hurt, discouraged, sad, angry, bitter.

Your words matter.

I know it's strange to say encouraging things sometimes - it literally puts a halt to a conversation because sometimes encouragement just doesn't fit in - but it's always necessary. Some people out there, myself included quite often, are just plain tired and a simple word of encouragement a simple word of praise makes a world of difference.

The Bible says so much about how strong our tongues are, and I believe if you go anywhere today you'll see living proof of it. Husbands gripe at wives rarely stopping to say "I appreciate what a great cook you are." Wives gripe at husbands rarely stopping to say "I appreciate how you work hard to fix things around here." Children gripe at parents and fail to say "Thank you, for all the things you do, from laundry, to meals or the new movie you bought me." And parents gripe at their kids for failures, without recognizing their traits and talents that could change their failures into successes."
And as part of the results of that you watch divorces happen and kids rebelling against their parents.

And friends fail to tell friends how much they enjoy eating lunch with them every day.

We gripe and complain, which just discourages and frustrates.

But I guarantee you, when you start encouraging people - find anything good to say! - then you will make a difference that you wouldn't believe. Things will change that no amount of complaining would have changed.

So throw out those lines you use on others AND YOURSELF - and begin using a new language.
You'll discover something amazing.

Building a fire - Big logs.

These are just some thoughts I'd had while camping recently concerning how to build the fire of God in your life. Read Part 1, and Part 2.

~~~~~~

It was the thick logs of wood that truly got my attention.
It changed my constant efforts to keep a fire alive to sitting back and enjoying a fire.

Where the other items, my paper, and my small sticks lasted only minutes - this... this gave us hours of enjoyment. It burned, deep and thick. And my heart cried - God, give me logs!

That spiritual burning that doesn't ever let up, that still stayed hot after we poured water on it before turning in for the night, that heat that radiated hours after we'd stopped adding wood.

The steadiness of it all, the ease of it was... mind-boggling.

But it came at a cost. The other items just took the time to pick up and stuff on the fire. Wood though, if I had not purchased it at the store would have cost me manual labor of cutting logs myself. It is not as easy as picking up stray sticks. It takes pre-meditation and effort. Or in my case, money. Which ultimately equals labor at work to earn the money.
In other words - It didn't come free.

And as I've spent the last week and a half thinking about it I have considered what those logs would be in my spiritual life.

I would compare them to time spent in earnest prayer. For every fan of the few minutes of conversation with God just before you go to bed - I think you'll see there's a difference.

I would compare them to time spent speaking in tongues and asking God for interpretation.

I would compare them to time spent not just reading the Bible but studying the Word. Seeking out answers and new/fresh revelations.

And lastly, I would compare it to time spent memorizing Gods word.

You may have some things that would add to this list. I'd love to read them if you'd like to contribute.

The logs are where the meat is. You can get saved and sit around enjoying your random stick fire. It burns bright and fast.

But me, I want logs. I want my life to be filled with time spent gathering logs in my life that will burn long and hot. It also provides more enjoyment and less searching.

Building a fire - Paper First

I love camping.

If I could find some way to keep my clothes clean and neat looking so I could go to work every day - I'd happily live in a tent for the rest of my days. Especially now that I've mastered the rain fly. And no longer wake up swimming.

So this weekend, when we went camping, I absolutely enjoyed myself. *Despite the fact that I did ridicule the fact that our campground failed to actually have a "campsite" and instead called a slab of rock and a picnic table a "site". Lazy L 'n L Campground? Let me just tell you: people expect grass. They also expect to be able to be able to stake their tent to the ground without the assistance of a sledge hammer and railroad spikes. Really.

I still loved it through.

And I got to perform one of my favorite duties - making a campfire. And sitting there, watching the campfire glow and burn I couldn't help but compare the real fire to the spiritual Holy Ghost fire that I desire in my life. And I immediately began wondering if the construction of the two fires might be similar.

Since I tend to be long-winded I'm going to separate this into different posts that I'll be posting during the week. So stay tuned.

It was the construction of the fire that I began thinking about - the different elements to it. The first one being paper.

I'd rummaged through our things, and cars looking for scrap paper to put at the bottom of what would be my campfire.
Of the wood and sticks that would go on the fire, paper bits light the easiest. Just a small click of our lighter wand and the paper ignites easily. I need the paper, because it helps light the small sticks that are above it.

In my own life, in my own spiritual "fiery" moments, I've got my paper moments.
Songs that I might sing that just make me come undone with love for God such as "When I think about the Lord - It makes me wanna shout", or "Alabaster box".
Sometimes just listening to other people pray begins a small flame, or when I have just a small conversation with God because I want to add my own thoughts to someone elses blessing over dinner. They're all just little things but they provoke an instant, physical response within me as something rushes over me and I bask in the moment.

But they are just paper moments. The song ends, the prayer ends, or whatever the moment was it's just over. The paper fizzles out and it's done. It was beautiful, and bright, and wonderful - but it's over now. Because those pieces of paper don't sustain you any more than one bite of meat a day, or one sip of water. They're just wonderful moments.

Thank you Lord for the paper moments in my life. I can't live off them, but without them I would never build up to what's coming.

Getting up again for a miracle.

It's my favorite Bible story of all time: The pool of Bethesda.

It's sparked my favorite posts that I've ever written; like Trouble The Waters, and Trouble The Waters 2.

And now it's sparking this one.

But as I was reading this this time - it stirred something different in me.
So, just to warm us all up and refresh our memories I'd like to repeat the story.


Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.

And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The impotent man answered him, "Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming another steppeth down before me."

Jesus saith unto him, "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."

And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked: and on the same day was the sabbath.



I could keep going, because there is a little bit more to the story than that, but that is a good stopping place and still gives you the story.

What gripped me about the story is that the man is still going down. "while I am coming" he said, another stepped down before him. He didn't say that another would get there before him, so there was no point in trying. He said "while I am coming" even as he feared it was futile.

To add to that is the simple fact that this isn't a daily occurrence. It says the angel came at "a certain season". Let's just say for illustrations sake that it's talking about natures seasons and call it 4 times a year that the angel comes. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, I'm making up a number to just illustrate, I haven't been able to find any writings with anything more than a suggestion of one possibility.)

But even if it were 4 times a year, that gives you 3 months in between each failure to tell yourself that there isn't any point of even going to sit on one of the porches, much less getting up and trying to get in the pool before anyone else.

Trust me, after 3 months of telling myself it was pointless, there was no way I'd get there in time, I wouldn't disappoint myself by going back to the pool. I just wouldn't.

But here he is, for who knows how many years, season after season, knowing "while I am coming another steppeth down before me", he still comes.

For me, this fit into a struggle I'm facing.
I'm tired of trying church after church, being disappointed, and frustrated. I'm let down that after all these months in San Antonio I have yet to find a truly good church that can be my home. Last Sunday I went to a Baptist church, but it took every last bit of effort I had to make myself go. I had to bribe the kids to get them to go, and then rewarded them even further afterwards because the experience was so awful.

Every Sunday I struggle to make myself go. I don't want to get up. It's not going to be a good church. I'll leave even more disappointed with Christian-kind. It will make it that much harder to go next week. "While I am coming, another steppeth down before me."

But he kept stepping. For however many seasons, however many years, he still came down.

For me it's finding a church, for you it could be anything that you're tempted to admit defeat on. Anything you can see that it's obvious your desire won't come true. Anything that tells you it's too hard, you're not strong enough to succeed, someone else will get it instead of you. You know what it is because the minute I started this paragraph you started thinking about and wondering if there is any point in hoping for it.

So get up. Be a person who "yet comes". Because the miracle worker appears when you least expect it.

And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked; and on the same day was the sabbath.

What are you eating?

I was struggling with what to write with. Not because I couldn’t come up with anything – it’s actually quite the opposite. I’ve got two different topics floating in me, one concerning a study of Romans that I’ve been doing that just happened (as so often it is with God) to coincide with a series of sermons I’m listening to at work.

But one article that has been burning in me lately is a complaint that I’ve had for the last several weeks. Which, once you see what I’m complaining about you’ll see that the very idea I’m complaining about it is rather ironic.

I’m frustrated that complaining has become so very much the “in” thing to do.

Awhile back at my nieces’ birthday she’d invited a friend over to the house. Within 3 minutes of her friend arriving (and no, I am not exaggerating whatsoever) she’d announced to her friend that her parents embarrassed her and that her little brother was annoying and she hated him.

Two days ago, walking into a store with my nephew he announced that the store wouldn’t have what I was looking for. He proceeded to announce failure on every single aisle.

It’s not just children either. As adults we complain about the weather, our co-workers, and any other situation that comes up. We speak negative words concerning our health, our abilities, our futures, and our goals and that of other people as well.

And that’s the part that I’ve been dwelling on. We’re killing ourselves, and we’re allowing the devil to win hundreds of battles that might not have been anywhere close to a loss had we just kept our minds and hearts in line with God. The Bible says: “The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable: but the mouth of the wicked speaketh forwardness” (def: ”forward”=willfully contrary”). Or Luke 6:45 which says: “A good man out of the good treasure of his hearth bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.”.

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. Psalms 19:14

The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the LORD: but the words of the pure are pleasant words. Proverbs 15:26

Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself. Ecclesiasties 10:12

Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips. Psalms 141:3

The lips of the righteous feed many: but fools die for want of wisdom. Proverbs 10:21

A man's belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth; and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled. Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:20,21

And those are just a few of the verses found concerning the words that come out of our mouths. I want you to notice 2 particular things here.

1: I’m focusing on what should be coming out of our mouths. Because when we focus on that, we don’t have to worry about the negative things coming out quite so often. If you maintain an attitude of praise, and thoughtfulness, sweetness and hope in your words – you’ll not so often find the thoughts of complaint, and bitterness welling up within you.

2: The last verse that I cited was the one that interested me the most. There were several other scriptures that mention our lips as having “fruit”. Most of the verses mention either the giving of the “fruit” to someone else, or the satisfaction of your own belly with the “fruit”. We downplay our words. We’re sarcastic, flippant, mocking, irreverent, rude, angry, sullen, discouraging, pessimistic, and we think nothing of it. But we get to eat our fruit. Whether we realize it or not, we’re eating and filling our bloated bellies with our words. But I’ve eaten enough bad fruit (there are few things as nasty as bad fruit) to know that the difference between good and bad fruit is so drastically different it’s a story unto itself.

It’s hard to pick good fruit at the grocery store. You pick up a peach, stick it in a brown paper bag and take it home and wait… hoping you take it out at just the right moment. But let me tell you, when you bite into the golden, delicious, fresh, ripe peach; it’s a moment to savor. It takes you by surprise how good it is.

But it’s also really rare for that to happen. Because too often the peaches either still aren’t ripe enough when I try it, or they were in there too long and now they’re a little… off. I’ve got a lot of words to eat that have been intended correctly, but improperly timed. I’m still working on it. That’s probably why there are so many verses talking about the wisdom of keeping silent.

So to end this little rant – just know how much God cares about your words. The devil cares too. Guard yourself.

The mistakes aren't yours to hold on to....

I've struggled with this more than I would care to admit.

But what's more shaming about it is that I only typically think about it when I begin feeling frustrated that someone else is doing it to someone.

I'm sure you've seen it. Someone who is reminded of their past sins and failures - not by their own sorrowful conscience - but by their friend, their spouse, sibling, family member, co-worker. We hold onto other peoples sins because we feel rightful in it.

If you have sinned against me I have the right to remember it forever, and to require you to take steps to prove it will never happen again even if it means it destroys you in other ways. Even if it means you must always remember you're going out of your way because you've sinned in the past. Even if it means you'll never be able to get past the sin and truly forgive yourself and MOVE ON beyond the sin - because you're always paying the cost of your sin.

I hate it when I see it. Some poor person intent on doing the right thing yet always taking extra steps to prove trustworthy, since in the past they have not. It makes me angry.

It makes me even angrier when I fail to see it in myself. I declare myself righteous and entitled to extra efforts because of what someone has done. And it just isn't true.

Once I've said the powerful words "I forgive you", that is it. No more lording it over them, no more chastisement and snide comments. No more sharply pointed jokes aimed ambiguously at my victim.

That's not what Jesus taught.

So when you say you forgive someone - the rest of the story is now between the person and God. Let it go, trust, and accept.

God really can handle the rest.

And NO ONE deserves a life time of reminders of their past.


Now I just have to stop actually doing it.

It's probably going to start with my tenant who just put the "check in the mail" again. :)

The Passion of the Christ

So, to be perfectly honest I didn't watch the movie Thursday as I planned.

I woke up and the song "I will glory in the Cross" was rolling through my head. Main lyrics are:

I will glory in the cross, in the cross
lest His suffering, all be in vain.
I will weep, no more, for the cross that He bore
I will glory in the cross.

And that put me off even more as I informed God that He could make me sing the song, but He couldn't necessarily make it true.

So I procrastinated all day long about coming home until there wasn't time to watch it.
Then I did the same on Fri.
Then I did the same on Sat.

I was starting to feel really bad about it though, so on Sunday I finally did it.

It hurt, just as I expected.

I didn't make it through Sunday as gracefully as I had hoped, but it wasn't as bad as the last time at least.

But one thing it did do for me is just solidify some plans I've been forming in my heart for a couple of weeks now. When we moved down here, missional living was a big topic for all of us. Unfortunately, one of the people in the house hates being around strangers. And I've yet to find a way to meet new people without them being strangers first. So the missional style we'd planned didn't quite pan out.

But as I contemplate my move I've been more aware that as a disciple of Christ I've been called to go into San Antonio and preach the gospel to every creature. And I've been dreaming dreams while I'm awake as images come to me and ideas and changes.

I'm anxious and nervous. And I look forward to getting started. The movie only solidified that. I'm ready to take the next steps, and I'll be spending the next couple of months studying my Bible more and more because I cannot do this simply on good ideas and wishes. The steps of the righteous are ordered of the Lord - but reading His instructions usually help too.

God has given me a passion of my own, yet it's still His.
What's yours?

Trusting in God for the answers.

I ended up in a long text conversation last week. Honestly, texting is NOT the way to have a real conversation. Nevertheless, it was the only option available as the person I was talking to doesn't enjoy talking to me about spiritual things. I always... always communicate better in writing than I do in person. So texting probably kept us from another verbal standoff.

But it was all about trusting God, and believing in Him even when bad things happen. Or even when bad things don't happen, but good things don't happen. This person has really struggled with God concerning finances and wishing that God would provide more so their family wouldn't have to struggle.

I argued that God isn't out to make us rich. And that God doesn't hate poor people and that's why they're poor. God doesn't hate sick people and that's why they're sick. Not everything is a punishment, but often simply a trial meant to lead us where we should go. And that God can be trusted when we take leaps of faith.

The idea of leaping in faith was less than ideal to them knowing that leaping could mean financial struggles, and continued difficulties. And how could you differentiate between a leap of faith and a big mistake since the outcome of a leap could be bad? To which I argued that sometimes your ability to know isn't based on physical things, but an inner knowledge - a confirmation by the Holy Spirit that you are walking in Gods will.

Prior to our little text-debate I'd tested the waters with several options concerning different jobs. One very exciting door opened up very quickly for me to go back into a career that was a dream come true and I was receiving information concerning the company flying me out for an interview this week. It seemed almost impossible to imagine that I might actually get the job, so I hadn't even really started praying about it yet.

So I was a little surprised, right after that debate, to suddenly know that I wasn't supposed to make the trip. I don't necessarily understand a rhyme or reason behind it, except for a peace in knowing I'm not turning down something wonderful - I'm turning down something that God hasn't got planned for me.

No regrets, no sorrow, no grief. Just trust.

My rewards aren't of this world. They aren't seen. They aren't things that I can hold in my hand right now. But my rewards have been...... amazing.

Tonight, I still chuckle at little at the idea that I have to wait until I ask God to get an answer. I was absolutely shocked to realize I had direction concerning the opportunity - and I hadn't even asked Him yet! But because of that, I realized how much I want that to be an every day occurrence. I want to hear Him speaking to me even when I haven't said anything yet. I want Him so actively involved in my day to day life that I'm listening for His thoughts concerning things just because I know He's with me and involved.

I don't want Him behind a little tent waiting for me to visit Him for answers.

And I thank God that He doesn't want to be in that tent either.

Thank you Lord.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Tomorrow, Lord Willing, I will go here and there and do this and that.

My "Here" is Mexico. My "There" is comparison shopping at "Lindas Pharamcy" and the "Almost Free Pharmacy". My "this or that" will be buying another supply of Aricept, my mom's Alzheimers medicine.

I always feel a little daunted before I go, leaning heavily on verses like the one I just quoted from James that states with confidence that whether I go, or not go, it is the Lords will. He's got it all under His control and all I have to do is trust Him.

Sometimes, to be perfectly honest though, as much as I trust God and love Him - sometimes I'm absolutely petrified that His plans won't line up with my plans.
And yes, I realize how ridiculous that is.
But there is always a tightness in my chest as I realize that I'm standing at a moment that God could turn the tide of events in a completely different direction and... am I prepared to deal with that and accept that and love Him and trust Him all the same?

Or will I only accept His will for my life - and the lives of those I care about - when it matches up with my own plans.

I know what I want my answer to always be. But often I get that clenched gut feeling when I wonder if He will test it. He tested it the day He took Bella away and I failed miserably.

What could He test you with? Are you willing to let your answer be yes - no matter how far away from your own plans He diverts you?

I don't write this with fear or worry that somehow I'll fail God and that He'll be angry or that I'll not make Heaven because He's mad that I failed.

Though I believe God can get angry and that I could not make Heaven if He so chose.

But I write this with fear of disappointing a Savior that I know loves me beyond my imagination, beyond what I can ask or think. Beyond what my feeble typing can describe for you. I write this because I fear that as much as He's worthy of praise, I'll fail to give it. I fear that I'll be given a perfect opportunity to show how much I love and trust Him and my heart and mind will be too caught up with temporal things to embrace the chance.

I love Him.

And whatever tomorrow holds, I pray that I'll accept it with grace and dignity, humility and love. Not with pride and anger, and a frustrated reminder of my personal "rights" and space. But with the grace of God abundantly flowing out of my life.

Anyone can be gracious when the going is good and things are going as you imagine they should. But do you let God really control your life and plans even when we don't like His? Whatever I hope my answer will be, my attitude will be my true answer on those days - and I hope I am able to show all the love and honor due in that opportunity.

Cluttered rooms, hurting bodies and changing lives.

I've spent most of this last month in an unusual amount of physical pain. I can't move, sit, I even spent the entire day at work in a big bulky winter jacket because removing it was just more painful than what taking a jacket off was worth.

Do I have a disease? Some type of disorder? Did an accident happen to incapacitate me?

No. I've just grown.

I've spent time challenging my muscles. I've lifted weights too heavy for me lift, and I've done crazy magical sit ups (if you're not in shape enough to do a sit up, I can show you a cool trick that will let you do them). And 24 to 36 hours later, I'm in torment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I started cleaning out some unnecessary items from my little corner of the world, trying to clear out anything I don't really need. Something I'd already done for the first move, but it's amazing how much more you can find to get rid of. Here is a picture of what the process looks like though. It doesn't look like improvement - does it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God is working on me. Sometimes it hurts because things that I did before, I'm now convicted about as He draws me towards a more holy lifestyle. The organized lifestyle I had before is more cluttered, unclear - I rarely know what bills will be paid or what tomorrow might be like. I used to have a 5 year plan, and now I'm thankful if a 5 day plan goes well. It seems messy, and unfocused and while that bothers me I have only to look at that photo of my room to remember how things look worse while they're being fixed.

We often think if it hurts or looks messy that something must be wrong. But it's just the process. It's why I go back to the gym every single week and do something that I know will hurt later. It's why I piled bag upon bag, stuff upon stuff, knowing that at the end I'd have a good finished product.

But I'm not done. Even though things got put back into order, I'm still not done. I was only working on one little section (despite the fact that it effected the whole room) and soon I'll tackle another section of the room.

Just like God will do for me eventually whenever life falls back into place, it'll all unravel again as some other area goes under renovation. And I pray that just like I go back to the gym even though I know it will hurt, that I'll head straight back to God and wait for my next renovation, for the next unraveling, for the next test and trial.

It's worth every bit of the pain. I know that without one doubt in my mind.

For I know God is Good.

Christs character concerning not nice people...

I had to change the title to the post because I'd originally written "enemies". Enemies though, is too restrictive of a word. But as general citizens of the world we typically don't have a lot of enemies that we struggle with how to treat. Instead, we struggle with the jerk sitting at the table next to us, the cop writing us a ticket, the neighbor who lets his dog "visit" your lawn.

But what caught my attention tonight was a combination of two things: reading in Acts and seeing the change that took place in Peter and how he changed from who he was to what he became, and reading about Jesus washing the disciples feet. Of the last story, it was particularly Judas' feet that caught my attention. The one He knew would betray Him; He knelt down on the floor, took off his sandals and washed his feet.

So often I want to give up on people that fail me, or even just annoy me. I discount some people as unimportant in my life. But Jesus knew something important - He knew HE was important in everyones life. He wasn't taking stock of whether they were important for His or not.

The only people Jesus seemed to genuinely dislike were bad religious people. Everyone else... He had time for. Everyone else He didn't scorn. Sinners changed around Him, yet you never heard Him telling them they had to do better, try harder. All He did was love them.

If Christ could wash the feet of the one who was about to betray Him... I can be nice to the white SUV that's going to cut me off in traffic tomorrow, or the customer who is outraged because their checks aren't free, or the tenant who doesn't pay their rent.

It's... interesting... being a Christian and trying to love everybody all the time. So often I feel justified in not caring... but it simply isn't true. It simply isn't true.

Christ is not my accuser.

I received a call this past week from my parents. My mother, as most of you might remember, has alzheimer's and desperately wanted me to come get her. It was a long, hard two hour conversation that actually crazily ended suddenly with her forgetting why she called me.

Later, I found myself wondering idly if God would ever forgive me. If there was ever any way I would be able to repent my way out of knowingly not being there for my mother. For telling her no. For hardening my heart against the accusations she tearfully flung at me and sitting here in San Antonio away from the suffering she's going through. There's no way to repent from that... this will forever be a black mark on my record. I will forever be the person that did this to her mother. How can Christ forgive that intentional choice?

And suddenly I realized what I'd done. By continuing that thought process I'd allowed myself to become at odds with Christ, separated from God by sin.

When I haven't even sinned.

The Bible describes the devil as an accuser of the brethren and it's entirely accurate. He leans into your ear and tells you of the things you feel you've failed at and lets you know that God is too good to put up with someone like you. God is too holy, to just to allow someone who would do what I've done into His presence.

But, I'm in San Antonio, far away from my "rightful place" taking care of my mother because God wants me in San Antonio. I don't know why, I don't know what purpose He has in taking me away from her now when she and my dad could use my help the most - but it was instigated by God Himself. So during this time I can either allow my accuser to separate me from Christ, or I can draw closer to Christ to help get me through the hard times.

I tell you this because it's too easy to listen to the devil. To not realize who it is that is talking to you. To understand the difference between the Holy Spirit conviction on your soul and the accuser condemning your soul. Just because you do what God wants you to do doesn't mean that everything else in the world will be wonderful. Sometimes you go to China on a missions trip just as your wife gets sick. Sometimes you happen to be visiting someone at a hospital when someone breaks into your house. Sometimes things happen.
But as long as you're doing what God wants you to do, then simply take heart in that and trust His lead. He won't ever condemn you for doing what He tells you to do. He loves you.

So be careful to examine what you think you're hearing. And any voice that's telling you God can't forgive you - well, it's not the voice to listen to.

Turn off the lights.

It doesn't happen all that often, but every once in awhile, about 15 minutes after the kids bedtime I'll get a quiet knock on my door.

My niece enters, with teary eyes, and says "I think you need to tell me that verse again."

It's the verse I've told her for nearly 12 years now... "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind." Practically every time it comes up it's bedtime. The night has crept in and she realizes how dark her room is - despite the fact that a huge strand of Christmas lights serve as her nightlight.

In the last years, the lecture has almost become script. I repeat the verse, and then tell her that trusting in God is proved most truly in the dark. You say you trust Him, but when the lights are out and you're afraid of the dark, that's when you have to tell your spirit that you do indeed trust in God and you will not be paralyzed by fear. You will not lose sleep with fear. You will not lie wide awake in fear. You will close your eyes and simply TRUST the way you say you do when it's light outside.

And after quoting that mantra so often to her I've wondered how many adults do the same. We allow fears in our lives, even simple ones like fear of the dark, fear of heights, fear of crowds, fear of failure. And when I say we "allow" them, I go so far as to say we build those fears a little home in our lives so they can be comfortable and take up permanent residence. We accept that as humans, we have fears... it's normal, healthy, and while unpleasant and a hindrance to our daily lives - we have every right to be afraid.

"You don't know what I've been through..."
"If you'd lived through what I'd lived through you'd understand..."
"You just don't understand..."
"It's just something that makes me feel better..."
"I NEED to..."
"I just can't do it any other way..."


But that's a lie. It's a comfortable lie because it's hard to turn the lights out and say you aren't afraid, that you really do trust God whether the lights are on or off. That your security, your sense of safety doesn't come from filaments in a glass casing, but from God Himself.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - faith is proactive. It's a inner quality but without the action it's dead according to the Bible. You say you have faith, SHOW me your faith. I don't want the typical religion that reminds you to trust in God but never requires you to give up your security blankets, your night lights, your fears. SHOW me your faith.

I hope you don't think - even for a moment - that I believe turning out the lights and trusting God in the dark is easy right off the bat. I think the very act of turning off the lights is the most difficult thing you can do. It means you've stopped trusting in your ability to take care of yourself, and here - here in the dark - everything is just going to be in Gods hands.

And amazingly enough, when the one who actually HAS given you the spirit of fear realizes that he can't defeat you with your fear you'll probably find that fear dissolves as he moves on to find other ways to hurt you, scar you, prevent you from trusting God.

I give this lecture to my niece on those nights because I don't want her to be chained to fears of any shape. I want her to know that when you're scared to pieces you are not alone and that there is a great big God who loves you more than you can imagine. I want her to live her life unencumbered from those chains that leave her tending to her fears rather than living life exactly as God would have her - filled with power, love, and a perfectly sound mind. A sound mind doesn't picture monsters in the dark. A fearful one does.

I don't know what monsters you imagine in the darkness, but I beg of you, whoever you are, to turn off the lights and beg God to handle it.

I don't make solid statements like this too often but I believe, firmly, that you will never be all that God would have you to be when you allow yourself to cater to your fears. No matter how many victories you enjoy, no matter how wise and spiritual you become, you will never know true liberty until you're willing to sit in the dark and trust God.

You know where your light switch is. When you lie in the dark afraid, tears rolling down your cheeks as imaginary monsters come to attack you - remember what Aunt Net said: "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind."

Turn off the light.
I beg you. Turn off the light.