It IS for me.

This is a part 2 to my first post "Welcome to Heaven...erm...I mean the library"
I need to add something to my first post, because it was a strong message for me.

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Wandering through the halls of that beautiful library I was clutching something awful. An overdue library book. I could have rechecked it online so it wouldn't be late, but for some reason I only believe in doing that for books I haven't finished yet. If I've finished it, there's no good reason I haven't returned it, so I feel I ought to pay the fine. It sounds absurd to me too, but alas! I am me.

So there I am walking through that library, holding the dreaded overdue book, and I wasn't sure of my standing with the library. If I went to check something out, (they have automated self-check out machines) would it refuse me because I owed the fine? And even without that, as I wandered from room to room, floor to floor, a haunted feeling of "It won't work out" followed me.
It seemed as though at any moment someone would say "I'm sorry miss, you don't have the right membership to be in this library." It was ridiculous. It's a public library. I have a public library card. And while my head told me this all throughout my explorations, something in my heart wasn't confident that I would leave with books that day.

I equated the library to Heaven in my first post, and when I do so again I see something that all too often believers do. We shy away from the biggest and the best that God tries to offer us because we just don't think something so amazing is meant for us. Love so freely given and genuine? Forgiveness, free and full and utterly complete? Mercy that leads us into beauty and power even while we are children just stumbling along? Truth, undeniable and infallible in a world where everything has become subjective?
For me?

As we sit at His table and begin to eat and grow in the riches of His goodness and grace given to us - we shift our heads to the left and right, and with tentative hands we take, we taste, we experience, just waiting for someone to finally intervene and say "No miss,' or "No sir," "I'm sorry, but this isn't for you, it's for the others."

When I finally went to the librarians desk with the stack of books I desired to check out, and my one overdue book I explained that I probably had a fine that I needed to pay before I checked out the other books. He took the offending book, scanned it, and announced that the book had been due the day before but no fines had been assessed to my account. I was in good standing. I was free to go and read in peace.

One day, as I stand before my LORD, I will sit and wait explaining my only - my only - ticket of entrance is Jesus Christ, and dear Lord, is my name written down?

I'll be in good standing that day as well. So though my knees will probably quake and barely hold me as I wait for the response; and though my heart and mind fail to reassure me sometimes that my faults and failures weren't stronger than His perfect redeeming blood; it's just not true.

I'm in good standing.

If you're not in good standing, you can be with simple repentance, belief, and trusting in Him and allowing Him to be your Savior.

Then we will all go and read in peace. Because I'm pretty sure there are books in Heaven. :)

See you there.

A time for living and a time for building...

Friday evening was difficult. At 9pm I was loading my car with cleaning supplies, and tools and such to 'fix-it' and even a 2-wheel dolly to 'move-it' since I knew I had a large item to move. I knew the weekend would be too short to accomplish everything I needed to get done in a short 36 hours.

As I loaded my car I suddenly had the thought: "I don't want to go." I didn't want to make this trip. I wanted to stay in San Antonio and continue all the preparations for the work needed here. And as I worked to have a good attitude about the work and trip and interruption to my little world here I suddenly realized something so basic that I don't know why I haven't enjoyed this thought sooner:
I'm building a life.

I'm not just living a life, I'm building it. I'm building things, jobs, memories, experience, relationships and even a house to last my lifetime.

Perhaps, when I'm old and gray I'll retire from the "workforce" and simply maintain the big things I've built through the years, and maybe build a few things - new relationships, new experiences, etc. But now isn't the time for me to rest. It is the time to build.
I'm building a life.

And it reminded me of something I've long since wondered about. Do you recall when Jesus turns to His disciples and says "I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, ye may be also."

Those words have always made me stop because my Savior isn't up in Heaven with a hammer and nails building me a nice mansion. He created the world in 6 days. So I'm pretty sure He had my little niche in Heaven knocked out before I turned 4 hours old.

And while I don't quite think this is the answer to the questions I've always had about that verse, I couldn't help but imagine something along these lines:

He's building me an eternity.

He's building me opportunities for relationships, to give, to learn, to grow. He's lining up moments of pain that break and mold me into what He needs me to be in His Kingdom. He's building significant moments of joy and challenging times of decisions. He's building me. And He's building me an eternity.

Home.

This story doesn't have an ending yet, even as I begin to write out the idea I know it doesn't. You see, I'm sitting here missing home.
And I struggle with the idea that I no longer have a home.

The place I've called home for the last 2 years, isn't home anymore. The general area I lived in for the past 10 years, it's not home anymore.

If I stood up today, and said "I've had it, I'm going back home.", I've realized that there is no place to go to.

But here's what I began to wonder, as I longed for the settled and comfortable feeling of 'home'. I've never been to my real home. You see, when I die and leave this house, this state, my friends and family, I'll go home. A place where I will never long for anything else, ever again.

And I'm thankful for this... unsettling lesson about where I am truly supposed to consider myself settled.
Because as Christ prepares Heaven for my arrival, I doubt He considered Whitesboro, Texas my "home". It was just a place to be until such time as I can go home.

I wonder how many opportunities are lost, refused, rejected, or not even considered, because they involve us giving up our settled-ness, our comfort, our familiar. While I latch on to things, trying to claim them as my own so I can feel validated, accepted, and comfortable - I wonder if God looks on with eyes seeing me as a child trying to make a Wal-Mart their home. If your child did that, you'd think he'd lost his mind, "You're not going to stay here." would be the first reasoning you'd give as to the foolishness.

I'm not going to stay here on earth. My home is somewhere else.
But for my actions, my desires, my longings to change - I need God to change my heart. So when I sit down to long for home - I long for the right one.

1 step recipe for success.

Spend time in prayer.

A quote

A highway shall be there, and a road. And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness. The unclean shall not pass over it, but it shall be for others. Whoever walks the road, although a fool, shall not go astray. No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast go up on it; It shall not be found there. But the redeemed shall walk there. And the ransomed of the Lord shall return, and come to Zion with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. God via Isaiah