It's funny how emotions work. No wonder the bible says they aren't to be trusted.
Today was a bad day for mom, but by the time I made my daily phone call she was doing better.
But afterwards, my niece asked if she could go for the next visit and I refused since it's been hard on her just hearing my ends of the conversations with mom. I can only imagine what an "in person" drama would do to her.
She began crying and it took 45 minutes to get it all cleaned up.
An hour later, just sitting here thinking logical, rational thoughts my heart broke and tears broke loose like a dam but here is the interesting part; I immediately got goose bumps and began praying in tongues.
El Roi - He is the God who sees me.
It sounds odd to say it but I typically have to "work up" to praying in tongues. Some people can just hit some words off on the fly, but I have to intentionally quiet myself and get into a worshipful state before things like that happen for me. But instantly this time my heart broke and words started pouring out of my mouth.
I'm big on distinguishing the words "want" and "need". If you would like me to pass the carrots, you "want" the carrots, not need. If you are asking for 30 bucks to go to the movies, you "want" it, if you are thirsty and ask for water you "need" it.
So tonight, when my heart told God "I need You to do something." I realized that in my heart I saw it as a need, but I would trust Him even without it. I accept the fact that He has true needs that He is providing and working on for every person in this world and sometimes one persons need conflicts with another persons need (whether we realize we're "needing" something or not).
God might know I need faith more than I need help with mom's alzheimer's.
When two needs collide, God does what is best. Even when it hurts.
It hurts tonight more than usual and I don't understand why. But just as clearly as hurt is present, so is trust. I'm trusting God to see my dad through. I'm trusting God to help us with the decisions. I'm trusting God to help us be patient if we are just in a waiting game to get the bad medicine out of her system.
I trust, and I hurt.
Trust is stronger.
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3 comments:
As the bad days come closer together, it's gets harder and easier to trust. Paradoxical, true, but what about faith is really logical? Maybe it's just that as all else becomes stripped away that we only have faith to cling to.
Still praying for you.
I'm praying for you, your Mom, your Dad, your brother and SIL and neice and nephew. I can't imagine how hard this is, but thank you Lord Jesus that you are with this family in their time of need.
Destiny
Thanks all for the prayers - I'll have to give some type of update to the blog because I don't want to leave the discouraged post sitting there. But today was a better day. She was confused, but not angry or hurting which is an absolute answer to prayer.
Please keep the prayers coming, and know I'm always returning them for your families as well.
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