Life and 90 days of waiting

October 10th, to Jan 10th is 90 days. 90 days is the required waiting period before my attorney (which I'll attain in December) will file the paperwork for me to adopt Precious.
I've been told these 90 days are very difficult, anxious ones.

I'm almost 30 days into it and I haven't even noticed really.

Meanwhile, "Buddy" a 5 mo old boy has arrived at the house and sometime this week a 22 month old boy should be arriving. I've scrambled to find 2 cribs (both acquired now), still looking for a chest of drawers and high chair at the very least.

It seems like from the moment I get home from work, to the moment I go to bed I'm changing diapers, taking out trash, doing laundry, trying to find room around the toys for my house to not just be one big toy section, and making bottles, and then washing bottles (8 to be exact) for the next days use.

I am tired.

I am still adjusting.

I am more excited than ever about the future of my foster home. When little soon-to-be arrives he will become my 10th placement. In 5 years time I will have hit the double digits (and that's with taking time off for a move and a few times just to recoup from losing a child or such).

I see so much of Gods love in how I feel for Precious - and yet, I'm forever told that our love is not even an spec compared to the greatness of His love for us. I can't even imagine someone feeling for me what I feel for her, much less God who seems so big and unmovable being the one to feel it.

God has a lot of children though, that need a home. They need loving, Christian homes that will teach these kids about the love of God and what He wants for them. "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27

Unspotted is hard, we excuse ourselves from shame concerning some spots because we seem to have decided that "some" is all that's possible, and that 'unspotted' is just a fanatical thing to worry about. After all, God loves and forgives right? He knows we're human.
We're wrong. We're not just human anymore. We're a new creature. A holy creature made righteous by the blood of the Lamb of God Himself. Unspotted is what He says. You can say "some" but "some" will get to you into Hell. You'll lose salvation for eternity for a few foolish pleasures on earth. Again, you can say it won't cost you - but God says it will.
You don't want to find out you lost the argument when it's time to reap the rewards of what we've chosen for ourselves over His rule.

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, to keep himself unspotted from the world. James 1:27

When is the last time you visited the fatherless or the widow? Yeah, I know. Me either. Except, I happen to have 2 fatherless children living in my house right now. It makes visiting them really easy. It makes serving God become a clear thing. As I do it to the least, I've done it to Him. In this way I've held Him while He cried. I've fed, clothed, comforted, spent my days loving Him through these little bits of stuff I call Precious, Buddy.

Please consider doing something radical. Something radical like well, refusing to allow sin in your life and immediately rooting it out and repenting when you see it. All of it.
Then when you've got yourself on the right path, open up your home.  Your life isn't your own any more. People need help. Widows need help. Visit, help around their house, and if you don't know any widows then just volunteer for meals on wheels or a nursing home and I bet you might find some. And if widows aren't your thing take a child into your home. You've got an eternity to enjoy the Heaven God has created for you - 100 years on earth to serve... it's not enough. 10 kids in 5 years... it's too little. There's too many needing help. My house is too small. My car is too small. I have to still navigate around 50 hours of work week.

I need more of me to give.

Not to earn my way to Heaven with works - because that doesn't work. But because the more He does, the more I love Him. The more I love Him the more I can hardly stand the idea that a child is hurt, neglected; that a widow old and feeble - so beautiful and lovely, and with stories vibrant and a history that I would love to hear - is sitting hurt, neglected, with no one showing her that her value only increased as she became old and feeble.
It also hurts more to see spots. Sinful spots. Ignored by the church in general because teaching a Christ that says NO spots is not popular anymore. It's not "Relevant" to todays culture.
Meanwhile, we tell the spotted that they too can enjoy Heaven and holy and righteous benefits. The church lies. (Some of it - not all teach that way)
It hurts.
It aches.
It makes me wonder what I can do.
And then I see the diaper bin needs to be emptied, the babies bottles need to be washed so they'll be ready for tomorrow, the folded laundry needs to be put quietly into their drawers without waking them, those precious faces need to be prayed over.

And then.
Well.
I'm done.