Trying and transforming

I'm not as good a mother to two infants as I was to one.

I see it most clearly in how my "worlds best baby" became far more tearful after her competition for my attention and energy moved in.

And it frustrates me.

So I try harder.
And while some of my tries work, some of them just fail.

And in that, along with some really good strong sermons, I've finally begun to understand better Gods transforming work inside of a person.
Oh, if you'd asked me before if I understood it I'd have said yes, but my focus was aways on the "trying harder".

There are many things that need changing, and I will still, and always, try harder - but now the strongest emphasis is on a heartfelt plea "Lord, I need YOU to accomplish this work in me. Please."

Trying is good, and necessary. But I need transformation in some a very specific area so that I can be what both of these kids need.

Finally grasping onto transformation is what has truly changed my walk with Christ. I was desperate for Him before, but now I see so much better a simple and utter dependancy on Him that I just didn't understand before. I'd have said I was dependant on Him; it's the right answer, it's obvious - sheesh, He could take away my breath with a mere thought! - but I didn't quite grasp how my every endeavor was so utterly dependant on Him.

I probably do not fully grasp it still since, thinking I knew so much about Christianity before, I still seem to be learning so much lately. But this I know: God has called me to be a foster parent, and now, with Precious, He is calling me into parenthood itself. And if He wants me to be successful at it by His standards then He needs to transform the parts of me that just can't wrap themselves around what is the best course of action and make it happen.

Meanwhile,  being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; (Philippians 1:6), I'll just keep trying.