New Kid

It's odd that her name means Peace.

Because I'm sitting here, so utterly overwhelmed that I could cry. Nothing has happened today, I've known about her for 2 weeks tomorrow. But I'm planning a trip to San Antonio to meet my future daughter. And I'm overwhelmed. This is what other people do - right? Not insignificant little me. Yet the plane tickets have been bought and paid for. In 10 days time I will see a precious little girl who has stolen my heart. A little girl whose tiny body has been painfully effected by her mothers use of illegal drugs whic resulted in her being born addicted to them.

I feel bitterly sick at my love and excitement over having her because it seems like I should wish she had never been born rather than to be born as she was. Yet, I can't find it in me to wish she weren't born. To wish she'd not exist rather than go through this. I hate that she's got so much to fight against from her very first moment on this earth - but all I can think is how wonderful, how beautiful, how lovely.

And I haven't even seen her yet.

When people talk about children like this - born to addicted parents who have no capability to take care of them, they usually say that the parents should have their tubes tied. I know because I've said it myself. Some incapable mom shouldn't be allowed to have 6 different kids by 6 different dads and have them all raised by grandma and strangers assigned by the State of Texas.

Even as I say it now, and understand the logic of it - I can't bring myself to mean it for New Kid. Her miraculous existance isn't a mistake. Man did their part, but God - God Himself created. And it is lovely, and good, and pure, and potentially amazing. I am joyful at her existance. Overwhelmed that she is now Gods gift to me.

My most earnest prayer is that her biological mother will one day, miraculously be touched by the mighty hand of God and be delivered from the devils that torment her and the addiction that binds her, and see life glorious and eternal. I hope to one day raise up my children and show them to her as Gods ability to bring light and joy into the darkest and bleakest of situations.

But meanwhile, I sit here in Colorado - a thousand miles away from a child I'm certain will become my very own. I'm in awe that this is my life. I'm thankful.

Goodbye

It's hard to figure out how to explain some things. This blog has been precious to me, I started it shortly after I left a church and since then... it's followed me through so much. I met many new people through this blog, Larry and Ruth, SLW, and Louie Marsh are the main ones that stand out in my  mind right now.

But I've got a small problem.

I've got a cyber stalker. And while I'd hoped nearly 2 months of silence would have bored him away from watching my life through this blog, I'm afraid it hasn't. So the time has come to close the blog for the safety of a little one far more precious to me than a blog.

I'm sad to see this blog go, but as this has been going on for nearly 3 years now, I'm even more sad that someone could go on this long in their wrong.

Over a hundred subscribers... wow. Thank you all for reading!



*This post will remain up for a few days before I close it.

Continuing to walk

I stopped posting on this blog. There was so much to say, but everything seemed to be wrapped around my precious Michaela and I didn't want this blog to become about that. I've learned so much, and God has spoken in so many exciting ways concerning her adoption and as I look at her and watch her grow and change...it would be very simple for me to stop writing about Christ, and to start writing about my daughter.

My life isn't about my daughter though. My walk,... it's not about her. It's about Christ.

Much has changed in the past months. For a simple update, I spent a week in the hospital with Jax(Michaela's nickname) trying to get her breathing under control. She's been diagnosed with asthma, and at 1 years old it's difficult to manage simply because she can't tell me before things get too bad. We're settled into a pretty strict medicine regime now so I'm praying we can stay healthy. My first goal is 6 months without needing to use the rescue inhaler as apparently 6 months is suggested as what it takes for some of the scales in her airways to regrow after RSV. (The scales help her body cough out mucus, otherwise the mucus just sticks to her airways and doesn't cough out).

3 weeks after getting out of the hospital - the Penske truck left Texas and my daughter and I, along with my  brothers family, left our homes in San Antonio and struck out for Colorado.
It was our goal to go there, and begin attending Ellerslie: the church I've been linking to for awhile now. Eric Ludy is the pastor.

I cannot begin to describe the church. These few details hardly do it justice but just to give you an idea at least: The doors remain unlocked, no offering plate was passed, the people worshipped in song, and then the preacher got up and told me that 99% wasn't good enough. However, he didn't tell me to try harder, he told me 100% was only possible through Jesus Christ. Then we sang "What can wash away my sins, nothing but the blood of Jesus" and the words took on a brand new meaning for me. I'm a try-er. I'm a do-er. It was so refreshing to finally have someone agree with me that what I've got to give God isn't good enough (I've never heard that message from anyone save Eric Ludy and Paul Washer before), and then to tell me that Jesus Christ is the only way - again, not something you hear too often despite the fact that if pinned down most Pentecostal/Non-denominational churches would probably tell you they agree with it.

As I wandered about my house this evening though, praying for someone, and thinking about Ellerslie and the new class of students that will be arriving this week to begin their 9 week semester of training I felt God impress something on me.

I can't attend the school. Oh, I'd love to, but I'm a single mom now and need to work to support us, there's no extra money or time to just stop working and attend a school for 9 weeks. But one of the sermons I've truly enjoyed from Eric Ludy is called "The Man Under The Stage" and tonight, as thoughts went through my head, suddenly I felt a calling to be that man for this new group of students.

As Ludy likes to say though it is not enough to esteem something, and not do it. I cannot simply esteem the idea of being a "Man under the stage" for this group, but then not take it as a serious commission from God. What He's asked, in terms of my time is... well... something difficult for me to give. However, 9 weeks from now... I honestly can only imagine the change it could work in me if I did it.

So tonight, I just wanted to write this down as one small way to hold myself accountable. Gods asking for 100%, so I'm praying He'll empower me to give it.

If anyone has any advice, or scriptures that come to mind that might assist - I'd appreciate it.

April 20th, 2012 - Michaela is adopted

So very much I could say, but most of it is indescribable.
On May 6th, 2011  I met Jaclynn.

She was 7 weeks old, 1 month premature, and was fighting her own little battle in ICU so that she could be well enough to get out of the hospital. For some reason everything about the news that I'd be receiving her as my newest foster child placement was different. I found myself racing 80 miles an hour to the hospital to sit with her in ICU. I went back and forth for 3 days from home to ICU meeting my newest little person.

On May 9th, she came to live with me.

On October 10th,  her parents rights were terminated. I knew that beyond all reason, and beyond all the strong beliefs I have that a child should have a mother AND a father - I knew that I was supposed to adopt her.

90 day waiting period passed.
Waited for the case to be transferred from foster to adoption unit at CPS.
Waited for adoption unit to get all their ducks in a row.

Today, April 20th,2012,  I'm proud to announce that  Jaclynn (Jax, Precious, JackJackJackerz) has legally become Michaela Poteet.

I cried through pretty much the whole event, no matter how hard I tried not to. I can't tell you what a joy and deep honor it is that God would allow me - ME - to be her mother. I don't feel nearly up to the task - and the very idea of it all, and how greatly I am simply not enough on my own I pray continues to drive me to my knees every day of our lives together.

November 17th to March 23rd

This is a story of a miracle. My God can do anything. I can do anything my God wants done.

Many, many moons ago, before I was even 18 years old, I gained access to a credit card.

And I was an idiot.

I didn't buy diamonds and furs or such, but I used it to buy things that I wanted when my paycheck ran out: eating out, gifts, etc.

Fast forward 5-6  years to an 18 wheeler plowing into the back of my newly purchased Mazda, purchased on credit..... and it was deemed my fault so I was liable for $9,000-ish in damages.

By that time though I had wizened up at least a bit and I used balance transfer checks to get everything onto one credit card and at a fantastic interest rate (3.25%). Which lasted until I received two foster babies and $1,000 in daycare bills in one month made me miss a payment. Missing a payment means you lose the interest rate - mine skyrocketed to 22%

Fast forward to 2011.... roughly 13 years after I began my credit adventure. The credit card hasn't been used in years and is simply a draining nightmare hole that sucks money from my bank account. I'd made payments of at least $300 a month  every single month (except for the month I missed years ago). The MINIMUM amount ever sent in during a month was $300. Do you know what $300 a month is for $13 years? I do. It's $46,800. And at least $13,000 more in payments was expected.

That number makes me sick. I don't think the amount actually spent could have even been $20,000 when you count the car as well.

But there I was in 2011, the card is shut off, and I'm 2 years into a 5 year payment plan at 6% interest and I'm driving home from work when I decided something had to be done. I yelled (because that's just how I show God I'm serious I guess) and I told God that nothing was impossible with Him. I told Him that He was asking me to be a single mom WITH DEBT and that that shouldn't be. I told Him He owned the cattle on a thousand hills and that I'd learned my lesson. I had been fiscally responsible for years now but the weight of paying for an old mistake was too much of a burden for me to continue to bear. I told Him I NEED OUT OF DEBT and that He'd promised I could ask things of Him and He'd listen. Well, this is what I want God. This it is.

Even today, I earn around $100 more than what my bills are. With the extra $100 I hopefully get to buy gas for the car (not allotted in the budget) and food for my body (also not allotted in the budget). So I made the decision that I was going to label my debt as part of Precious' adoption fees (because as a fiscally responsible person I understood that I honestly couldn't afford to adopt her and still pay off my debt every month). I would trust God to let me buy nothing else - even this adoption - without having paid for it first.

Fast forward to November 17th 2011.
The miracle begins.

I ripped the page November 17th, 2011 off my calendar and I wrote on it the full amount of my remaining debt ($11,225) I added in an attorney fee that I expected to have to pay in Jan ($1500) and said "Lord, this is what I need to adopt Precious."

December, I received notice that my renter was moving out - so February I had to pay both my rent, and my mortgage. I also had to make a costly trip North to clean/fix up and hire a manager to show the property for me and place several weeks of ads in the paper. Roughly estimating I'm going to say that event cost $900 - and bear in mind all of my estimates, to make sure I don't over inflate this, will be estimated low.

On two separate occasions I had to go to the store and purchase new clothes for the babies, each of those trips was always at least $200.
Christmas rolled around and while I was more frugal than usual I still spent over $300 in gifts.
I lost 6 days of work due to Precious having RSV in Jan - $500
I finally got a renter for the house only to be told the gas company won't turn on the gas because of a leak and the whole house has to be re-piped $791.
So, not counting my standard bills, which take up all but $100 of my paycheck - the amount of money that I'd need to come up with before her adoption is $15,616.

$15,616.  GOD

I considered trying to get a second job but felt God clearly against it - if this is my ministry how am I fulfilling it by having someone else watch the kids while I go work for more money?

So I didn't.

March 23rd, 2012, Friday, I made my very last payment.

I. made. my. very. last. payment.

EVERYTHING has been paid. Paid on time. Paid in full. I was hemorrhaging thousands of dollars a month and I don't even bring in thousands of dollars a month. Yet payment after payment after payment was made. Quite literally, according to math between my job and the subsidy support for the children, I didn't even make $12,000 since November 17th... yet somehow I paid $15,616 AND also paid all of my bills which previously took all but $100 of my paycheck. I didn't cut corners, I even ate out more than usual the last few months. I generally felt like there was a surplus and didn't even feel pinched or worried that I wouldn't make a bill payment.

I told a friend last November that God wouldn't let me make payments after Precious was adopted because that would mean that I did it on credit. That I couldn't afford her. She can't be mine until she's paid off (of sorts, you know what I mean). Even as I said it I wondered if I was being foolish, if I was saying words I'd have to eat later on.

November 17th to March 23rd is 127 days. 127 days divided by $15,616 is $122.96 a day.
You tell me what God can't do.

As a side note, it looked like I was going to finish in April. I'd been watching all the numbers and I thought April might be the month I finished and I was disappointed. I told God that He'd get more glory if it was March, because March was sooner and April, for some reason just felt less miraculous. March. He'd get more glory if it was in March. But the numbers just weren't there. Then, just a few days after I talked to God about that I happened to dig through a stack of mail and, just before throwing one envelope out, for some reason I decided to open it.

It was from my mortgage company.

They were returning overpaid escrow funds to me.

$402.

And I stood there, holding it, and wept - because I knew,,,, God liked March too.

There is nothing, nothing, nothing too big, too hard, too impossible for God. I don't have to understand the miracle, I just am living here as a survivor of the impossible who never once saw anything but ease and comfort during the last 127 days. I can't begin to describe how my faith has grown, how fully I just want to shout His praise. I'm free. After 13 years of a burden of debt, I'm free. And it's all simply because I was willing to do what He wanted.
He made something impossible happen.
I'd have more likely expected to see an amputees leg regrown, than to imagine my debt could be paid off this quickly after November. But He didn't just pay off my debt. He paid the debt, but He made the numbers more astounding, and then He paid it off.
My God, He is a mighty mighty God. And I am passionately thankful to have experienced these past months because every time you go through something like this, words like "My God is a mighty God" change. They become deeper, more rooted, more profoundly true in your mind, and heart, and spirit.

My God, my Father, my Friend, My Provider.
My All.
HE IS ABLE.

31 today.

I'm another year older today and I feel it. I can't imagine being 18 again. I can't imagine not rotating the thoughts that go through my head every day now: bottles for the babies, do they have enough diapers? when is the next appt? have I done the paperwork? clean the house, do the laundry, am I doing the right thing with my rental property? who do I need to contact? am I handling things right with Precious? I hope I'm interacting with Buddy enough and stimulating him enough so if he does go home in April he'll have a solid foundation of "connectedness" to fall back on later in life, why won't this claim balance? am I working hard enough at work? is there any way I could do better and get more accomplished? Jesus there's just too much, please make me what You want me to be, I can't do this and yet You've put me here, please do it for me/in me/through me, am I reaching out enough? am I just another person going through their day to people or can anyone see any light coming from me at all? am I a good person or am I a Godly person? I'm tired of being called sweet - seems like that means I'm not Godly enough because Jesus was rarely called "sweet", should I sell the white microwave cabinet? Jesus I don't want to freak the adoption people out with how bare my house looks, what can I do to help these kids grow? why did You have me talk to that lady so long Lord? what was in that? I love You Father, help me love You more and more, You're wonderful, I need to get the oil changed on the car this weekend and the inspection needs to be done too - I'll probably have to buy new windshield wipers first before they'll pass me.... I hope the horn honks.

Those are my 31 yr old thoughts. All rolled up into a slight disbelief that I am where I am, that I'm doing what I'm doing, and wondering with a slight breathlessness if I'll actually end up in Liberia one day. It's life. I don't want it to be normal. I don't want the next 30 years of my life to look anything except insane. I want to move, I want to risk, I want to simply follow God where ever He leads, whether the bank account says I can, whether my health says I can, whether the fact that I'll soon be a single mom says I can... regardless of logic. I want to follow. I've loved looking back on my life and seeing how God has led - but I think He's got bigger things in store if I'll just be willing to grow and risk, and move with Him.

My sister-in-law, Glenda, made me a cake for my birthday. And tonight, I sat in my home alone and slowly ticked 31 candles into the cake. 4 matches later I finally had them all lit - and then I knelt in front of that cake and I made a vow to God. And I meant it. And I believe He's going to do it.

All I have to do is move.

Boot Camp vs. Nursing Homes

Eric Ludy's latest sermon was on the evil of the artistic. As much as I enjoy his sermons, I groaned a little bit when I realized what was coming.
He was going to tell me why what most churches are doing today is wrong.

In his words (primarily at least) he lays it out as they have begun to value the artistic over the truth. Drawing people in with games, clever gimmicks, and stuff has become more valuable than the truth we are commissioned to be sharing.

It's why my old church bowled turkeys and showed Toy Story to the kids. It's why John Hagee at Cornerstone church hired the Sea World and Six Flags folks to put on their Christmas drama. It's why missionaries throw cammo bags and t/shirts into the crowds and pastors dutifully spend Gods worship time honoring veterans and parents and softball teams and their country.

It makes me incredibly sad. I'm tired of non-Christian churches. I'm tired of the fact that in a city with hundreds (probably thousands) of churches, I can't seem to find one that preaches the true gospel and backs it up with their lives. I'm tired of the fact that it feels like Christianity has lost. Christian doesn't mean Christian any more. It means something entirely different and foolish, and deadly.

And I'm tired of talking about how that is what the church is.

Which is why I groaned a bit to realize that's what Ludy would be preaching on Sunday.

In 102 days, Lord Willing, I'm moving across states to join a church that says "God will pull you out of the concentration camp, put you into boot camp, so He can send you back into the concentration camp so you can get others out."
I'm ready for boot camp. I'm ready to be pushed and challenged beyond what I am in Christ right now.
I'm ready to not just talk about Christianity but with a group of believers begin living it out in an even broader scope that I am now.

I want a boot camp life - not a spiritual nursing home where the wounded and sick doze their lives away well medicated with biblical sound bites.

At His mercy

Yes, He is faithful.

So often, in what I've written in the past I've been thoughtful about certain issues or ideas and some random event from the day gives me a helpful example of something I've been mulling over.
It's been harder though, with two babies to actually stop and do that. My mind is full, or empty, it is chaotic of sorts and the thoughts don't settle as well as they used to.
I used to think if pages of paragraphs, now I think in sentences.

Today, however, all I could think is that God pulled me through a day exactly as I had asked Him to in last nights post.
I was able to accomplish what needed to be accomplished.
I was able to put off the things that needed to be put off for the kids sake.
I was able to make a decision about a possible event today that unknowingly to me, was the wisest one.
I was able to interact with the kids even better than normal.
The babies are usually well behaved and happy, but today it seemed even more so. Precious, for the first time, was actually hanging onto her crib and jumping up and down she was so happy today. For someone that can't walk - that seems like a big deal.
I was able to do extra and I was able to do less, and at the end of the night my house felt like a home and there was a sweet peace to the days events.

Dear sweet Lord, how I love you.

I want much. I want much because of days like this where I see how an Almighty and Powerful King of all Kings cared about the little details and showed Himself to be - as always - my Abba Father. I regret not bringing the smaller things to Him as I often consider them unnecessary and have greater, more important things to focus on when I talk with Him.
I want more of Him. And I don't say that with grief because I have so little, but with the simple knowledge that though I have great things of God - I have only gotten just a taste of what's possible. Yet I feel like I want to pull myself back from searching those things out and just rest as a simple child and say "Father, I want more."
I want much.
So dear Father, lead me onward. Do what I can't do for myself, and that is to get more of You. Make me the mother You've called me to be and not the mother I can be on my own. Make me the aunt/sister/daughter/friend you've called me to be, and not the one I can be on my own. I desire that You be glorified in my life by my words and actions. Lead me. Teach me. Bring me along. I trust You. Help me trust You more. I love You. Help me love You more. I need help Father, to be the things that You have called me to do. I've never so fully realized it as I have now but dear Father, Lord and King - I am at Your mercy.
Have mercy on me. 

Psalms 30
 I will extol thee, O LORD; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.

O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved. LORD, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled. I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication. What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth? Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;  To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

Trying and transforming

I'm not as good a mother to two infants as I was to one.

I see it most clearly in how my "worlds best baby" became far more tearful after her competition for my attention and energy moved in.

And it frustrates me.

So I try harder.
And while some of my tries work, some of them just fail.

And in that, along with some really good strong sermons, I've finally begun to understand better Gods transforming work inside of a person.
Oh, if you'd asked me before if I understood it I'd have said yes, but my focus was aways on the "trying harder".

There are many things that need changing, and I will still, and always, try harder - but now the strongest emphasis is on a heartfelt plea "Lord, I need YOU to accomplish this work in me. Please."

Trying is good, and necessary. But I need transformation in some a very specific area so that I can be what both of these kids need.

Finally grasping onto transformation is what has truly changed my walk with Christ. I was desperate for Him before, but now I see so much better a simple and utter dependancy on Him that I just didn't understand before. I'd have said I was dependant on Him; it's the right answer, it's obvious - sheesh, He could take away my breath with a mere thought! - but I didn't quite grasp how my every endeavor was so utterly dependant on Him.

I probably do not fully grasp it still since, thinking I knew so much about Christianity before, I still seem to be learning so much lately. But this I know: God has called me to be a foster parent, and now, with Precious, He is calling me into parenthood itself. And if He wants me to be successful at it by His standards then He needs to transform the parts of me that just can't wrap themselves around what is the best course of action and make it happen.

Meanwhile,  being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; (Philippians 1:6), I'll just keep trying.

Do I trust Him?

It's interesting how things change by degrees.

Someone asks for $100 to pay a bill and asks you to trust them to return the money. You consider it, then make the loan. "I trust you."

Then the next day they come back and they suggest the "Trust" game. You fall backwards, they'll catch you. Just trust them. You consider it, and ultimately decide you trust them enough to risk it.

The next day they come back and they want you to talk about a painful secret you've kept all your life. The hesitation there is longer.

It's the same word, every time,  but there is trust, and then there is trust, and then there is trust.

I've been challenged by Eric Ludy's constant chant in his sermons - "GOD CAN NOT  LIE - Do you trust Him?" Over and over and over again that same message appears in his sermons until one day it really sunk into my heart and I began to ask myself - Do I?

Maybe I've stepped past the first trust, maybe I've even fallen backwards and risked the second trust, but am I to the next degree of trust? And. even so, I have the feeling that if I do reach that platform, there will be yet another degree to be seen and challenged by.

I'm not worried about painful secrets, or falling backwards, or even $100. But I do wonder, when so much of my life is a question - what the answers are. And in the absence of answers, what are my thoughts going to be about the questions? Do I trust Him?

God is good. I've seen it, lived it, proven it. It's a fact.
But I've noticed that even when I follow facts and let them lead me, that I walk along with questions and concerns.

I like that I'm seeing this question in my heart right now, before...
I appreciate that I have time to pray about it, and ask God to bring me to the level of trust in Him that I should be at.
I'm thankful to be listening to a good preacher who is asking me these questions.
Lord, t'is so sweet to trust in You,
Oh for grace, to trust You more.

Turning the volume down.

In my previous post, I mention a sermon by Eric Ludy. It's called "Depraved Indifference". Its main focus is having the heart of God towards the insignificant (unborn babies whether aborted or miscarried, children starving in Liberia, etc.).

At one point, he tells the story of some Jews during the holocaust and I was able to find a similar story online at this website:

After a speech, pro-life activist Penny Lea was approached by an old man. Weeping, he told her the following story:


"I lived in Germany during the Nazi holocaust. I considered myself a Christian. I attended church since I was a small boy. We had heard the stories of what was happening to the Jews, but like most people today in this country, we tried to distance ourselves from the reality of what was really taking place. What could anyone do to stop it?



A railroad track ran behind our small church, and each Sunday morning we would hear the whistle from a distance and then the clacking of the wheels moving over the track. We became disturbed when one Sunday we noticed cries coming from the train as it passed by. We grimly realized that the train was carrying Jews. They were like cattle in those cars!



Week after week that train whistle would blow. We would dread to hear the sound of those old wheels because we knew that the Jews would begin to cry out to us as they passed our church. It was so terribly disturbing! We could do nothing to help these poor miserable people, yet their screams tormented us. We knew exactly at what time that whistle would blow, and we decided the only way to keep from being so disturbed by the cries was to start singing our hymns. By the time that train came rumbling past the church yard, we were singing at the top of our voices. If some of the screams reached our ears, we'd just sing a little louder until we could hear them no more. Years have passed and no one talks about it much anymore, but I still hear that train whistle in my sleep. I can still hear them crying out for help. God forgive all of us who called ourselves Christians, yet did nothing to intervene.

I want to write and write and write, and say much about the condition of our churches today, but, at least for today, I won't.

Here's what I will say -

I don't have to sing louder to drown out the suffering of the world. Because I've allowed the world so near around me that those train tracks don't even run near my heart. I don't hear the cries because I'm too far removed. I hear some, a little, in my little fostered ones, but this is such a small amount compared to what is actually happening in the world around me - while I surf facebook and check my e-mail and post junk on craigslist.

SO, all that said, I'm turning the volume down. I want to hear. I want to seek out the hurting and broken, and sick and abused. And, for now, I will at least take a step in, what I believe is, the right direction.

For the month of January I am turning my computer off.

I've sinned with it, in that I could have done good with it, and I did not.
I could have sought out a cause to pray for, educated myself on ways to help, spent my evenings with God more than facebook, and with my neighbors more than craigslist and the 1000 blogs I have in my google reader.

I told my family the decision and apparently it wasn't quite clear so just to clarify - with my computer off, I will not be checking my e-mail or facebook. If you want to get hold of me, you'd best do it the good old fashioned way and either use pen and paper or my phone.

I have to be careful - as I've been burdened with this I've leaned towards condemnation and as I condemn myself, others may feel that I am condemning them as well.
I don't know about you. Oh, I've read your facebook posts and I've probably judged you, but I do know that I don't know you. None of you.
What I do know about myself is that children are dying. God has created life, and it is dying of starvation, sickness, disease, and I haven't given my life for His children. People think I won't be able to give up facebook and email for a full month (The plan is just for the month of January right now), and I find that sad and it makes me wonder about the life that I've lived in front of them.

Do they say I won't last because of their desire for facebook and email, or because of my attitude towards facebook and e-mail?

I don't know.

What I do know is that people are dying, and I watched youtube videos.
A 4 year old is digging through trash to find her next meal and I was flipping through my "friends" 92 photos of their family opening trash and junk and stuff.

Eric Ludy's term of "Depraved Indifference" is a legal term: To constitute depraved indifference, the defendant's conduct must be 'so wanton, so deficient in a moral sense of concern, so lacking in regard for the life or lives of others, and so blameworthy as to warrant the same criminal liability as that which the law imposes upon a person who intentionally causes a crime. Depraved indifference focuses on the risk created by the defendant’s conduct, not the injuries actually resulting.

I don't know how to not be indifferent. I listen to Ludy speak the words over and over again and I want God to give me His heart for people but at the same time I know how I would act if it were my child digging through the trash, utterly alone in a foreign country. If I treated the knowledge of ALL the children doing so, and took it to my heart as if they were my own children - as God does - even trying to imagine it right now it feels as though I would lose my mind.

But God knows how far to take me.

I want to give my living. I want to love as He loves. I want to know that hours are filled with necessary, and not the foolish*cough*facebook*cough*.
I want cries to be what I hear, so that I can pray and know the urgency and feel the need - and not just imagine a need that is too much for my mind to conceive too far away.

This will be my last post till February.
If you're my friend, pray for me.
I have dreams and goals that are not of this world.
And not the faintest clue how to reach them except to trust Jesus to bring me where He'll have me.

And, as someone that wonders about who my readers are, I'm going to be praying for you too. Consider turning it all off. Turn the volume down so that you can chase after something eternal, rather than have eternal things simply be a Sunday hobby, or something simply "carried in your heart". Turn it off.
And if you can't - if you really really can't - you are a slave to it. And no man can serve two masters.
Choose this day whom you will serve.

Where is the line for Jesus?

I wrote to two leaders in the church tonight and let them know that I was leaving the church.

The decision comes after a month of trying to avoid the place, just not going, and then that was followed up by attending what turned out to be my final service where a youth minister/guest speaker quoted off the numbers of kids his youth groups have sprouted to, and then referred to Jesus healing the man at the pool of Bethesda as "some dude came up to him".

All I could think about was Eric Ludy's sermon that I've been listening to, over and over and over again (seriously, I think I've passed 20 listens now because he's speaking exactly where my heart beats) where he compared modern church today to Seinfeld. A bunch of people, loving each other in their own messes, all the while so focused inward on themselves and their lives that nothing ever changes. (paraphrase because despite many listenings I can't quite quote this sermon yet)

The decision was only difficult in the fact that I really have no where else to go. I'm doubtful that I will find a good church that actually preaches the Gospel and lives it out - and are willing to have only Christians in their membership, as opposed to having nice numbers.

This Pastor there is sincere in his hunger and attempts to grow the church spiritually, but, after spending so much time watching videos for the progressive Christmas celebration with $5 gifts, giving a round of applause to the church softball team who came on stage in their uniforms to be recognized for having won their tournament undefeated, and hearing about the turkey bowling at the youth "block party" (at which 50 kids were somehow "saved") I found myself... so utterly tired and defeated when it comes to church that I managed to avoid it for 3 weeks until this past Sunday where Jesus, my Saviour and Redeemer, was relegated down to "some dude".

I'm not offended, though perhaps I should be -  mostly I'm just sad. I want Acts. I want Jesus. I want to see what the Bible promises - and if I don't have it, I at least want to be surrounded by people that are willing to step on my toes in order to find it.

I want the God of the Bible, and not the watered down, desecrated god of our churches.
I want more.

A Christmas tree moment

The house was dark, except for the kitchen light and the lights gleaming off of the Christmas tree as I pulled Precious, who was far past her bedtime, out of her carseat. In the gleam of those Christmas lights though, suddenly my baby girl was riveted to the lights. They'd been on all day, but now, now she suddenly noticed them and as still as could be she just stred at the tree.

Standing there, in my dark house looking at her beautiful face glowing with lights as she stared so intently, I began to tell her about a baby. A baby so precious and special that was once born to a virgin girl. A baby with a purpose. A baby, that was actually God. I told her how because of that baby, we now have hope in this life, and in a life to come where one day we'll actually meet this baby named Jesus. Jesus - the one who gives us hope.

And something in that moment changed something inside of me. I wanted to return the gifts, and do Christmas over this year - but do it right this time.

My only problem is, I'm not sure what "doing it right" looks like.
I want to celebrate Jesus. The one who gave me hope.

When it doesn't sound.

I played my old piano this past weekend and almost immediately noticed that the A key doesn't sound very easily. It didn't even sound at all initially unless I hit it very hard.

Music and children seem to be the two most significant God inspired passions in my life. And it's within those two joyful endeavors that I learn the most about God, and see my own little walk in new ways.
This time was no different.

The piano isn't played as often, now that I'm not sitting there adoring it and spending something more than just the regular church hours playing it. Now, it just doesn't get the same use. So it's not necessarily in disrepair - it's not that bad, but things change over time.

Things do change over time.

Considering that, it made me wonder how I have changed. Usually this type of reflection takes place after Christmas and as you enter the new year.My love for music though, and my dismay at seeing a note not play correctly, bring this topic to my mind over and over again.

Because I care a lot about the sounds my life makes to Gods ears.

It's easy for me to get mentally swamped into raising these babies, writing my progress notes each week, staying up with their drs appts, visitation, what needs to be done next and when and how to begin adoption process. It's easy for me to sometimes pray, talk to God about the important things, and then move on.

But this week, I've spent some time in the quiet moments. Talking to God about the deeply personal, the emotional, where I feel weak and needy, and just telling Him I love Him.

It's the time that changes us from boss/employee to a real relationship.

I don't want to just work for Him and report in on progress and ask for help when the project is difficult.

I want a relationship. And I need to always keep Him as the main goal, rather than these children. The work is never it. God is it.

And while I've got my mission, my goal, and I know where I'm going, none of it compares to simply walking with God. So I don't want to have one area of my life that doesn't sound as good as the orphan area. Or my worship area sounding awesome, but my ability to bridle my tongue barely noticeable.

I don't think anyone noticed the music Sunday was missing a note.
But I did.
And while it's easy for me to miss the fact that my melody is not playing as well as it should -
God hears it.

I want a whole melody. I want to be a full, every note resounding in triumphant perfect tune.

So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit,  speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father. Ephesians 5:17-20

Ads are removed

I have removed the ads so that the clicks that I have received will not be counted since they were gotten dishonestly. This blog will be honest, and as one of my sidebar buttons say - I will Blog With Integrity.

I apologize to my friends who so fully rallied to the cause. Thank you for your support.

One day, I hope to re-establish ads on the blog again, but when I do so I would ask my friends to please not click on them unless it actually interests you enough that you would click on it if you weren't on my blog.

Thank you dear readers.

A valid blog

I asked people to click on the advertisements to support this blog.

I clicked on a link in the program to see what it defined as "Invalid clicks" and it simply said that I, the publisher, was not allowed to ask you to click.

Whoops.

The point being that the advertisers don't want someone just clicking on their link and then closing it to make me money - but they want you to be interested in their service, to read what they're advertising. I understand that, and that's why in my initial request I stated that while you "didn't have to buy, or spend 20 minutes on their site, but I would appreciate it if you'd at least observe what they're selling so I'm not cheating my way to Precious. God will provide good ways to get her without me ripping off advertisers with false clicks".

I still mean that. I won't be mentioning the ads anymore (though if you see something inappropriate, I do want you to let me know) - I would simply ask that you only click the links you're actually interested in, and willing to look at. If you've seen the ad for Christian Colleges 20 times like I have, you probably aren't too interested in it anymore. (I haven't clicked on it myself because I did at least know that I am prohibited from clicking my own ads).

But the topic brings me to something excellent, and pure, and wonderful. Validity.

The amount of money necessary to adopt Precious has become a question in many peoples minds I'm sure. And, as of today, I've finally stood up and said simply that I wouldn't tell. As people offer their assistance, things of their own for me to sell and such, I've decided that God would receive more glory if no one else knows the exact size of the need. (If you're one of the few people who know,  please keep it to yourself!) If I told you it was $1000, your expectations and prayers might lean one way, if I told you it was $100,000 your expectations and prayers might lean another way.

I want your response and prayers to lean Gods way. In everything, not just this.

I want God to be glorified in this. Above, and beyond my expectations not just in money, or time, or state decisions still pending, but in all the interactions He opens the doors for me to have because of these children, and the ones to come.

I want their lives, their futures, to be oh so valid.
My blog, should be valid. My silly advertisements should be valid. My interactions should be valid.
My hopes and dreams should be valid. My prayers, all my prayers, should be valid.

My Precious, my future of embracing the weak and neglected little ones, I expect to be riddled with integrity, dignity, and uprightness.
I do not want even an idea of cheating, tricking, abusing a system, to taint something so beautiful and wonderful - especially because our dear friends love us so much that they'd be willing to cheat, trick or abuse for our sakes.

So, I ask my friends and readers to walk with integrity. I needed the reminder today, to help me be firm in this request.

Let your life, your actions, your walk be valid.
He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

A click is not enough

I've asked people to click on the ads on my blog, because those clicks produce money which ultimately helps me not just adopt Precious, but begins the advancement of something long coming.

Doing more.

Doing more is simply about taking advancing steps, rather than continuing further in the same steps. This walk of mine is not a long road so much as it is a mountain to be climbed. Higher and higher. This is not just about one orphan, or two orphans living in my home. It's not about the fact that these are my 8th and 9th kiddos and my hope for the 10th and 11th along the way. It's about the fact that I've adjusted to what I'm doing and I love that God gets more glory when I do things I'm not accustomed to.

God, using the same creativity and wildness that created the most unusual of animals, to the most exquisite of flowers, looks deep into our lives and - if allowed - will create something that draws someones eyes to the oddity of it all, and most often to the impossibility of it all.

While you have been asked to click, I don't want anyone to simply click. A click costs nothing but a few seconds of time. God desires so much more. He wants you to pay a price, the simple, inconsequential cost of something as mundane as your life - Have you really seen your life lately? Farmville? Really? - and once that small fee is paid opening access and free will to the one that you claim is Lord of your life, you'll see just what your Lordship might actually produce with the small pittance you just gave over to Him.

I say it lightly and with a smile, because I know what I've given away and what I've held onto and sometimes, I can't even imagine why on earth I've still held on. Even the small tastes I've seen of the future make my mind and heart imagine things so big that they stun me with the unreality of it. No, that couldn't possibly be my little life I'm imagining.

So click I ask, for my sake. But for your own sake, give your life to Jesus. Place it in His hands and quit seeking the latest baseball scores, and the most interesting recipe. Stop trying to juggle your kids karate, soccer, music, cheer, dance, and chess schedules, and lead them into something with a slight twist.

Changing the world.

Unless of course you know a great way to change the world by mastering "Mary had a Little Lamb" on the violin; in which case by all means carry on. :)

Adopting Precious.

So... as many of you know I'm planning to adopt my Precious. She's now 4 days shy of being 9 months old. Army crawls, but no actual crawling. She did, however, pull herself up last Saturday into a standing position for a bit.
She is beautiful, and I full intend to share pictures as soon as I'm legally able to do so. I'll also happily tell you her real name then too!

Meanwhile, I'm preparing. As we sit on day 56 out of 90 of our 90 days of waiting I've begun to work hard to get all my little ducks in a row. Part of that is preparing for life after foster! This blog, is officially my part time job now. I will work at it each evening, and do my utmost to write something interesting, or thought provoking, or even funny maybe (I've heard it's not impossible for me to be funny), and hopefully gain all of your attention.

I don't do this JUST for Precious, because my life is not about her.

It's about serving God.
As a Christian, I am His body, I am His arms, and hands, and feet.
I am called to live out His heart here in this world, and He most absolutely has a heart for these children.
Abused, neglected, born with addictions and handicaps due to drug use, or handicapped now due to severe abuse. Heart/emotional handicaps as they learn how to actually trust humans when they've proved so untrustworthy in the past, the inability to attach emotionally to someone else thanks to constantly being moved from one home and  "mommy" to another.

I'm asking folks to click on the advertising links you'll find on this blog (at the bottom of each post) because in doing so, you're giving money without ever sending a single penny. I'll never ask you, any of you for a penny, because I'm fond of the George Mueller method of simply telling someone what is going on and how to be involved and then simply trusting God for the financial ability to do what He's telling me to do.

God provides for His work.

And you can help by simply being faithful to this blog and giving any of my advertisements a look-see (no purchase necessary).

Primarily, my writing controls the content of the advertisements, so I hope to mostly see religious/christian/family safe items there. But if you EVER see anything inappropriate, please let me know immediately.

If you're reading this blog; if you're one of the many people that have favorited me, or subscribed via google reader, or simply a regular google searcher for "this-walk" or "flyawaynet" - thank you.
I am praying that God gives me words to write to you, as I commit to posting far more often than I have been as of late.
But I'm here now. Commited to doing my part to seeing this blog work for God. It's not about Precious. It's about all the Precious ones out there that need a home.
Consider opening your own home (instead of just clicking a link for me).

Thank you all!

Lord Jehovah is merciful and cherishing; he is patient and his grace is abundant. Psalms 145:8

My dear sweet beautiful readers

I will post in more clarity soon, but for now - just know this.
In further attempts to raise Precious' adoption funds, I've enabled advertising on this blog.
You're about to see me become a serious advertising cow here - PLEASE, take just a moment and click the advertisement links at the bottom of a post or in the bottom of your reader/rss feed. A click for me is a click for Precious!

**You don't have to buy, or spend 20 minutes on their site, but I would appreciate it if you'd at least observe what they're selling so I'm not cheating my way to Precious. God will provide good ways to get her without me ripping off advertisers with false clicks.**

All I want

I'm listening to Mariah Carey sing "All I want for Christmas is you" as I type this - I was searching youtube for a not-so-awful video of it (for a fun family-type song, she doesn't always dress and act in a fun family-type way in the videos).  Here it is! Enjoy!

Have you been asked the question yet? "What do you want for Christmas?"

I have. And my answer, much to the frustration of the asker, was simple.

I want Precious.

All that I have, of any value, I've sold, or am willing to sell and just haven't gotten around to it yet. If you buy me something valuable for Christmas - I'm terribly sorry if it offends you, but if it's nice enough I'll probably sell it. Everything I have, all of me, is all about getting her. She must be bought with a price.

But as I thought about the givers in my life, those people that want to wrap up something I'd enjoy and hand it to me... I began to wonder about something. There is great joy in giving. But, we tend to want to give what we want to give.
My sister-in-law Glenda was recently pestered by her boss to tell her what she wanted for her birthday. The answer -  a giftcard to Wal-Mart. What did she receive? A gift-card to Ross.
Why ask if you aren't going to give it?

Because the giver felt they knew what was best. They had something in mind as what was good enough, right enough, useful enough, that they understood what the receiver should actually have if one were to cut through all the niceties of what people actually say they want and what they really could use.

I can't envision anyone in my family wanting to just wrap up five bucks and say hey, you want Precious - here is what we can do to help you get Precious. No. they want to buy stuff, or make stuff, or do stuff. Because it feels more like a gift. I understand this because that is exactly the sort of thing I would do myself.

And as I sat here thinking "I want Precious", the implications of it were...at least to me... rather intense.

I want her to be mine. Oh, she IS mine already. That is as established in my heart as if it were carved in diamond. But I want everything about her to be mine. I want to give her my name. I want her papers to say she is mine. I want to take the word "foster" out of  "foster daughter". I want to be able to stand before God and man and make a covanant before God to raise her. I want her to be fully, absolutely, completely, no strings or red tape attached, mine.

God wants me.

I want to give Him time reading my Bible, He wants me to be willing to just sit in His presence and listen for Him.
I want to give Him a hundred orphans saved, He wants me to spend time just talking to Him, walking with Him.
I want to give Him a perfect me - one that doesn't sin, or think rude thoughts, or give up when I want to be lazy. He wants a me that simply desires Him.

I look at Precious and I say "I want you" it has nothing to do with her growing, developing. All I think of is simply be mine - ob child, be fully mine!
I want her to grow but I simply want her to be mine. I will help her grow. I will hold her hands and show her how to stand, I will help her move her legs and learn walking motions. I will repeat words over and over and over again so that eventually her little beautiful lips will speak them to me. I will give her foods that change from milk to soft, to meat so that her body will grow and change, and strengthen.

All she must do is simply be mine.
She need not worry about anything else.
I will raise my child.

All I must do is simply be Gods.
I need not worry about anything else.
He will raise His children.

Isaiah 55


Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.

Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.

Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
Behold, I have given him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people.
Behold, thou shalt call a nation that thou knowest not, and nations that knew not thee shall run unto thee because of the LORD thy God, and for the Holy One of Israel; for he hath glorified thee.
Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the LORD for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.