Forfeiting what's not mine

I've self diagnosed myself with a very common disease. This disease leaves me given to fits of delusions of grandeur.

The term I used yesterday of "forfeiting my life" has almost a poetic sound to it in my mind. It sounds good, almost noble to have done such a thing. But even as I typed it and it fit the writing of yesterday and what I was trying to say, I knew there was something wrong with the term.

You see, to say I've forfeited my life, it sounds as though I've given away something that was mine to begin with. And it wasn't mine. My life isn't mine whether I continue to claim authority over it or not. I have been purchased. I've been bought with a price. A high price at that. I am no more my own person than the poorest slave to have ever been sold.

In 2005 I was driving little Mazda Protege when an 18 wheeler decided I was in his way and tried to leapfrog my car without slowing down. Unfortunately my compact car wasn't compact enough at the time (he fixed that little problem) and it ruined my car. I hobbled it back home and that very same day my co-worker brought me an old car that she no longer used. We agreed on a price and I purchased that car from her.

Imagine now, if I had to discuss and gain her approval each time I wanted to buy new tires, change the oil, or have it inspected? Imagine still how amazingly frustrating it would be if she told me no to my requests, or exerted her control to make me wait on repairs and such.

That's no less what God has to deal with each time He tries to work and create in me what He wants me to be. How many times will I tell God no or make Him wait? How many times will I just verbally claim authority over myself, when in actuality He's the sole purchaser of my life? My life is not my own. I have forfeited nothing.

How much easier my life would be if I'd simply quit trying to exert control over someone elses purchase.