Gift of healing 2

I admit, I had no idea people believed this way.
Reading up on the gift of healing I read several different people that stated that the gift of healing is actually.. well... a healing. Say you're sick and you got healed, poof - that's the gift of healing.

I could be wrong, maybe you believe their way as well, but I just don't see it like that. To me that idea doesn't fit in with all the other gifts that are mentioned right next to that one. So it doesn't jive to me. So I'm continuing on under the assumption that there IS an actual gift of healing that a person can have and use as a God given tool to heal others.

Here's one problem/concern I have.

You've heard the songs, sang the songs, and loved the songs.
"And I love that old cross where the dearest and best for a world of lost sinners was slain." (Old Rugged Cross)
"In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine, a wondrous beauty I see, for 'twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died," (Old Rugged Cross)
"Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord, to the cross where Thou hast died;" (Draw Me Nearer)

There are other cross related songs that have the same general phrasing in them, they have you singing how much you love the cross, cherish the cross, and want to be near the cross.
And I just don't get it. I'm not there yet. It seems, spiritually, like something I should think... but I don't.

I, vividly remember watching the Passion of the Christ when it first came out. And I can't tell you when anything has ever hurt me so badly. I was breathlessly crying during some of the worst crucifixion scenes - enough to make a scene observed by anyone within a three - five row radius. I remember pleading with God, as though it would have made a difference for an event a couple of thousand years ago, that it would end, that it could just be over. It took well over a week for me to stop crying.

I hated that cross.

I remember, in the movie as the worst was all over, that Mary came, and sopped up her sons blood. And instantly, the idea/knowledge that the blood itself was precious, and cherished, was easily grasped and still remains in my heart today.
But the cross, I hate.

Just as a note: The bible (to me) talks about the cross of Christ as more of a gospel, a teaching(1 Cor 1:18 For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness...). These songs (again, TO ME) talk about it as a wooden beam ("stained with blood so divine").
As a teaching, I am humbled by the cross. As a wooden beam, I hate it.

The teaching of the cross and blood of Christ are generally connected with healing. So, if I'm seeking the gift of healing (assuming there is such a thing!) then I want to make sure my views and feelings on the related topics line up with the word of God. It seems unlikely that I'd receive the gift of healing that was purchased by His blood if I didn't appreciate the preciousness of His blood. Same goes for my feelings on the cross.

The other lesson that was imprinted on my heart during that movie was the need to make use of that blood. If you chop off your thumb, just so I could have 50 cents, if someone runs up and steals that 50 cents from me I will do everything in my power to get that 50 cents back just so your sacrifice will be worth while. I won't be content with 25 cents, or 49 cents. I want every penny. Christs agony, His suffering bought me freedom. And with that freedom He bought me access to the ultimate power source of God Himself. I serve a God that can bring the dead to life again, I should not be content with enough power to heal a paper cut.

It's like living in the house of a master craftsman, yet having the house in total disrepair. It's not just problematic for me, but it looks bad on my master craftsman as well. One of the things the other brother, in the story of the prodigal son was told by the father, was that everything the father had was at the sons disposal, there was no need to feel like a servant. We get angry and frustrated because - I'll correct that right now - I get angry and frustrated because so often I feel like I'm blindly serving a Power, when I'm suppose to be walking in Power. I want to live as a bonafide child of God. I have access to His home, His goods, His authority and most importantly HIM. I don't want to accept less, if for no other reason but that it seems to look bad to be a great and powerful King with a scruffy kid that struggles from day to day just to exist. (I'm just giving you a mental picture of His greatness vs our weakness, not actually talking about physical or spiritual survival.)

Again, I'm learning, so if you think I've lost my mind and gone down the wrong track in all this, tell me. I'll be back again with more in a later post.