Wednesdays Return

Things are going really well. Dad actually was home from the surgery by Friday night (modern technology is amazing), but God gets most of the credit for a remarkable healing. His biggest complaint is that his catheter hurts. And that's just something to live with until June 1st when we'll go back and have that removed. Mom did absolutely amazingly during the surgery, all of the days we were up there actually. Her alzheimers didn't really show itself any more than it normally does, and that was an answer to prayer.

I realized right after the surgery as I was getting this and that, and going here and there running errands, that without love I'm just a well trained servant, and that was a hard thing to swallow. And after I considered how important it was to "love without expectation" I realized how often God must feel like I did. How often do we come to Him only when we have a problem, and ignore Him the rest of the time. He's our own version of Santa Clause, except instead of just 'stuff' we'll come in wanting peace and reassurance. It seems more spiritual to go desiring those things, but I wonder if God really sees a difference between the two.

Thinking about it right this moment, I realize I spend too much of my time trying to figure out how to get God to do what I want. Having more faith and love will earn me the power to heal. Pray more, read the bible more, that will help me know God better so I can see signs and wonders, miracles. All of those things are good things, but He sees my motives. My motives for wanting to see people healed, for desiring signs and wonders, miracles, and knowing God better... they're all good. But not one single motive is as good as 'I want more faith and love, so I'll be more like You, because You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.' or 'I want to know You better, because You're the most amazing Friend I've ever known, and every new detail -no matter how small- that I learn about you simply amazes me. And as impossible as it may seem, it makes me love You more.'

I never really considered the idea that those motives are the most pure, and that love for the people around me is albeit a good motive, it still uses Christ as simply a means to an end. My relationship with Him is strong. It is good, and easily flows. He doesn't take offense easily, and I don't spend a good deal of time watching my words with Him so that I might deter misunderstanding. Simply because I know He understands.

That doesn't mean that I haven't sinned a thousand times in my motives. And, as our relationship grows, His expectations of my love for Him grow as well. I don't know that the idea of "don't hurt Gods feelings" should play a big part of my day to day happenings, but I do know that He is THE faithful friend. And I want to be a faithful friend to Him as well.

I guess, in all the events, I simply learned that in the hours that I'm not praying for others, or reading His word, I want my prayer to be, "I'm here God, for no other reason 'cept I want to be near you." Like watching tv with a friend or chatting on the phone while you work. It's simply the comfort of being around them, regardless of what you're doing. The biggest hindrance is that you don't always remember to call your friend before the show starts, or pick up the phone when you're busy working on something.

While He will never step into the role of servant, duty bound to satisfy my every request; I hope, and pray, my heart remains steadfast enough to ensure I don't place Him in that role. I hope it is always clear, fervently clear that He has drawn me, and I have chosen Him as the Master. And that this transition took place solely because I desperately love Him, for wholly loving me.