My home has been studied.

I wish I had some really poignant words to say to document this occasion.
But I don't. I've said more words today than I think I've said all month long, and maybe combined with all next month. I've just finished four hours of questioning.
I have completed my home study.
I have nothing more to do except wait for the call saying that I am approved of and a time arranged for me to go there and be licensed.
Licensed to raise someone elses child.
I can't even fathom.

Specific prayers

One of the things I like most about this blog, is not reading todays posts, but reading posts from a year ago. I like to see the things I struggled with, or that got me through something or changed the way I thought about something. I enjoy that part.

So, I'm posting this because I'm hoping one day I'll be able to look back and see a month after this post, I posted the answer to this prayer.

I need something.

I've put myself into a position where I am responsible for doing two things at the exact same time at church. Unless God raises up a person to do this second task, I just simply wouldn't be able to do my original task, which is to play the piano for the worship service.

I can't do both tasks at the same time, and quite frankly I refuse to be satisfied with having to ask a random person that just happens to be "there" to take care of the second task. I want better than that. I want better than that not just for myself, but for the church, and for the sake of having the task done right, and to the best it can be done.

I'm not at a decision point yet, but I'm praying. Our church has so many needs, it seems selfish to focus so intensely on the one need that concerns me most. But, our church needs a piano player too. I can't even imagine walking away from that in order to fill the second role, but if I have to I will.

So I post this to the public. Look at it. Read it. I'll tell you the specifics of my request as soon as I am able to post that the prayer has been answered and the need provided for. God doesn't leave anything undone. If He wants a job done, He'll provide workers for it. I believe that, and I'm trusting and praying in that.

I pray for so many things. Mostly I pray for God's will to be done quite simply because I know I can spend a lot of time praying for a specific thing to be done the specific way that I think it should be done. Usually I find out later that God didn't have that in mind at all, His way wasn't my way, His thought wasn't my thought. So you will rarely hear me say I'm asking God for xyz and He's going to provide xyz.

But this time is different.

So I ask you, if you're saved or not saved, watch this blog for the next 2 months. I tell you this with confidence, because I believe you will read very shortly of God answering a very specific prayer in a very specific way.

To the baby in the manger

You're so small, and so tiny, and delicate. You can't even lift your head. How can I expect you to save the world?

I can't imagine you on a cross, can't imagine you creating the world, can't imagine your clear eyes having seen the depths of hell. I can't imagine confessing the horrible sins of my heart to someone so innocent and pure as you. I shudder to imagine tiny baby fingers curled into a fist, this precious hand, one day being marred by a spike.

The world thinks things of your mother that you should never hear said.

I just want to tell you I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for every pain you'll endure for my sake. I'm sorry for the things you'll see me do, or hear me say that will make you wonder if we're actually part of the same family, or ashamed that you are. I'm sorry for all the times I'm going to forget your birthday. I'm sorry for all the times I'll celebrate doing the things I've made a habit, rather than asking you what you'd like planned for the day like I would any other family member.

I'm sorry for all the meaningless things in my life. From meaningless gifts chosen, to meaningless places gone, and trivial things spoken.

Imagining your tiny childish face makes me want to be a better person. It makes me hope for even just one less sin committed that you would bear on your shoulders one day. One day you will stumble under the weight of a cross, carrying my guilt and shame. As I picture a stable and cows and imagine the smells of your birthplace, it almost hurts to wish this hard that my life, should it be well lived, could ease your burden.

Unjumbled

I can't tell you how pleasant it is for me to read something I've written and reach the end of it feeling satisfied.

It takes a lot of tweaking sometimes, and often a post you read yesterday, if you went back and read it today you'd find that a few things about it had changed. I tweak even after you've read it. I want it to be right and I usually keep on tweaking until I can read it all the way through without something bothering me.
I wouldn't call myself a writer at all, but this part of me has become important and almost vital. This blog has been an outlet for the best and worst of me. I'm glad I started this.

Through this, I've seen specific ways this is a gift and responsibility from God. I've got a few drafts of posts that never made it to finish, and some horrible topics that never made it to light either. And sometimes, when I didn't have anything good to say, God made sure I wasn't able to say it at all. You would think a person that likes to write could write anything, anytime, anywhere... but so often my brain has sat murking around with a wordless tumble of thoughts that couldn't exactly be translated into writing.

That's what happened yesterday.

I spent the weekend thinking so much that by the time Monday came, it was too jumbled to be coherent. This is going to be my best attempt to unjumble things and write once again.

I realized this weekend how much we take family for granted. We have expectations of family that changes our appreciation of the good things they do for us. And those of us with a lot of family don't appreciate each member of the family as much as we should.
And while I am the last person, the very last person, that should dare to give advice on family relationships here's what I want to tell you.



Love your family. Wholly and completely. Don't love them quietly or expect them to understand your love. Explain it in the same clear and uncertain terms that God, with deliberate intent, explained His. Remember that you have never been guaranteed tomorrow. Some of the most painful regrets concern words not said.

Say you're sorry. Say it even if you're not sure you've offended. Say it every time, and often. Give thought to your words before you say them. It bears repeating again, give thought to your words before you say them. Love your family.

Don't be offended. I don't care what they said. I don't care if it sounded like they were talking about you. I don't care if they even used your name when whatever was said was said. Unless they're saying you robbed the local 7-11, let it go and don't be offended.

That said, your fear of rejection or worse, indifference will tempt you to love your family quietly. Your fears will convince you, with surprising vehemence, that your family knows the depth of your love. Fear lies.

Your pride will convince you, that love means never having to say you're sorry. It will inform you that you were entitled to say whatever you said, or do whatever you did. It will tell you to never apologize for the truth. Pride will rob you of your friends and family.

Your emotions will convince you that no one loves you. It will remind you of every hurtful thing past and present. Your emotions will hear things that weren't said, and interpret tones that weren't intended. It will tell you things unsaid, or undone are out of spite or vengeance. Your emotions will kill no one else but you. Nothing destroys the body quite like a running commentary of hurt and bitterness.

There will be moments when it's difficult or next to impossible to do any of those things. And that is when you go to your Counselor. You head to the One that loves you. The One that loves you perfectly. The One that loves you in all the ways you fail at loving. You confess your fear, your pride, and your emotions. You pour out the worst of you to a Savior that sees the best in you despite your flaws. You give Him your disappointments and your hurts, your dreams and desires, and the worries you dare not speak to anyone else. And once you've picked yourself back up, you start all over again.

Then, with all that done, be one of those people that treats everyone like family.

Oh to be foolish

I'm sitting here staring at this crazy looking toy. The only difference between mine and the one pictured is that mine is green, and the nose lights up yellow. Looking at him, I quite literally can't help but smile. His name is iZ by the way.

Do you have an iZ in your life? Some foolish thing that brightens your day, has the power to change your mood, and best yet, something about which you have no complaints?

It seems like the majority of the words I hear are complaints. I've wondered if I've just got a bad attitude and that's why my ears are picking up on those words, and focusing on them, rather than all the good words I'm sure I hear each day also. So, that's how I ended up sitting here staring at Mr. iZ

Mr. iZ has taken up residence on my desk, as a constant reminder for me to stop complaining. So many can complain about the weather or time or money or a hundred other things. Mr. iZ reminds me to watch my language. God has created all things, and anything that has happened, ultimately it's because God allowed it. For friends that I highly respect, I don't complain about the petty stuff. Often, between friends no one even complains about the important stuff. For the God of the universe, I believe I can take that even a step further.

Mr. iZ represents utter foolishness to me. And God promised me that's what our Christian walk is all about. Because His method of saving me was foolishness. To this day it confounds the wise. Intellectuals everywhere ridicule my faith. Scientists accept even crazier lies to combat it. But ultimately, everyone will accept it as truth. And, for the time being, Mr. iZ will remain on my desk as a reminder.

Resting through the storm

Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops.

As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, Hired him.

The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"

The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

A friend sent me a link to this story and the timing of it is wonderful.

I've chosen to make sure that I don't have any regrets. Or at least the regrets I do have will be as few as possible.
So many times I would fail to witness to someone because I wanted to keep their friendship. I'd fail to point out a problem in a relationship because I was afraid the relationship would only get worse.
And now, I'm talking more than people are use to. Things are changing.

So when a storm comes, and it will come, I'll know I haven't left anything unsaid that actually needed to be said. I'll rest easy, knowing that those I love know I love them. I've found myself apologizing to people that didn't even realize I'd done something wrong. Found myself writing more letters telling people how appreciated they are, and most challenging of all, found myself putting those "appreciate what you do's" into verbal conversation more.
I hope that in my daily work I will always take care to cover my friends and family with prayers. To put away grudges and old hurts. And most of all, I hope I never forget, to bar the door of offence. So when the storm comes, things will be ok. I can rest easy through storms knowing that I've done everything that needed to be done is done.
May I love daily, right and well.

This just in

Apparently the FBI lost me.


Seriously, the Federal Bureau of Investigation - lost me.

I'd started calling Arrow (my foster agency) and pestering them about when my results would come in, and after they did some checking they discovered that, and this may sound repetitive, the FBI lost me.

But now, the results are in and sure enough I'm as innocent as I've always claimed. I play another waiting game while they schedule my home study. Hopefully they'll call soon with a date for that. Or, I suppose I'll have to go back to pestering people. It's my duty, can't be helped. :)

Anyway, that's your update for today.

Is God messing with my head?

Do you ever wonder at the kind of enjoyment God gets from watching our mouths drop open at something He's done?

Does He stop doing other things just so He can watch us as we glimpse some piece of our future that God has twisted around to amaze us? Does He chuckle as He turns the page in His book and sees that a part of the story in our lives that He was looking forward to is coming up? What must it be like, for the King of creation, to mess with not just my heart, but my head.

I was at work this morning and at 3:40 this lady I had known for less than 30 minutes for all intents and purposes asked me if I'd like to take a huge flying leap of faith and offered me something. She phrased the question a bit differently, but it's my blog so I can paraphrase. :) We'd been talking for the last 30 minutes about different things, her foot (which she'd crushed which was why I was helping her work) her other job, her upcoming move, my church, and her husband and daughter.

In the course of the discussion, she almost absently asked me if I'd like to come to her house and consider a decision. For me it'd be a big decision, and certainly a scary one.

This comes not even 24 hrs after posting that I felt I was at a turning point.

The question this lady asked me isn't necessarily the turning point that God wants me to take. It could just be a subplot in His story of me that would lead to nowhere. Just a mention on a page. I'm good at talking myself both in and out of things. So there's no real telling where this subplot goes. But that just brings me back to the idea of God messing with my head.

And let me tell you, I like that idea. I've mentioned before on this blog that I like tests. If you give me information and then hand me a piece of paper to quiz me on it, I'm perfectly happy. If I missed something I want to be corrected on it, and if I didn't miss anything I want to enjoy making that perfect score.

For me, this is more like a hearing test though. Shutting up and figuring out if I heard something, was it what I thought it was, and am I confident enough in my decision on what I heard to take a step like this.
Most of all, I'm just pleased because this feels like motion. At least a direction to fiddle around with until maybe the real direction comes along, or foster care begins leaving me too busy to worry about little things like lifes directions. :)

For all the trouble, confusion, and sadness of this world, I'm so glad to be alive. To have a mission and purpose and specific ways that I'm able to bless my Savior by my life.

Tree of memories

Taking a break from all my serious posts for a bit to give you a piece of foolishness.

Every year on the blessed Friday after Thanksgiving I have a tradition. That's the day that my house is decorated and I honor the traditional watching of Miracle on 34th St. No one beats Mara Wilson as Susan. No one. You might consider that to be an opinion, but I would steadfastly defend it to be fact. :)

Anyway, as I pulled out all my decorations I started thinking about which ones meant something to me.
Two years ago, a family that I'd been with a lot (I stayed with their children while the parents went through adoption training classes) knew I was waiting until after Christmas to buy some decorations for my house. My mother raised me well in that I know that decorations are unfortunately, best bought after the holiday has already passed. Well, this family did the same thing. Right after Christmas they went shopping for decorations and wrapped them. I was then called to their house for "Christmas". The girls had decorated the fireplace with a banner for me and I opened gift after gift of insanely discounted Christmas decorations.
Those are the decorations scattered around my house right now.
When I got to decorating the tree though, that's when I realized something. I wasn't interested in decoration for decorations sake this year. I might not do this every year, but this year I wanted only the ornaments that meant something to me. I have some crocheted decorations from friends in New York. They sent them to me for my birthday, and I remember waiting until we were all online to open their gifts. Those beautiful and unique ornaments grace my tree right now.
They grace my tree right next to the snowman made of felt and cotton and a bell and lots of glue. That was the gift from one of the girls I had stayed with. The other girl made me a reindeer that unfortunately I haven't been able to find.
And last year, after my niece and nephew got up in the middle of the night and seemingly ransacked my tree, (seriously, when I started taking the tree down after Christmas I discovered my nephews sock in there) I didn't have much "Christmas spirit" in me to want to redo the whole thing. That very day a package arrived, again, from my friends in New York with some ornaments, and 4 very delicate and precious glass ornaments. It was just the boost I needed to remember Christmas wasn't about the tree so much as my Savior that knows my needs before I need them. The Savior that put a package in the mail for me before I ever needed it. The Lamb that was born to die thousands of years before I would ever live to need Him to do that. Those 4 precious and delicate ornaments are on my tree right now.
Last year my family all went out to an event called "Ice" and walking out of that amazing display I noticed some gingerbread man ornaments. I blabbed on for too long about how much I liked them, and the next thing I knew my brother had grabbed one and headed to the checkout. Moments later I was holding my own gingerbread man ornament. As I look at it today I'm reminded of a God that loves us enough to give us the desires of our hearts.

This year my tree is meaningful. I like to think of it not as decorated, but adorned. And as I look at my tree, I'm more than alright with the bare spots. Those spots leave me room to grow. They tell me of so many memories yet to be had. And I can hardly wait.

Turn around and go the right way.

I'm happy.

But reading my more recent blog entries it's a little hard to see that in myself. Everything that I've written has been very serious lately.

I've succeeded somewhat in not thinking lifes problems into a huge rut, but I've only recently started thinking about the weight of them. It's hard to throw off the weight of sadness. And while I'm happy for so very many reasons, it seems like sadness weighs more than happiness. I hope that somehow makes sense to you.

I'd like to believe that if somehow I became a better Christian, followed God a little closer, mimicked God a little more precisely, that somehow other things would change. My church family would grow, my family would love each other, and those I'm praying for wouldn't hurt anymore. And while that might happen a bit, to some extent, for the most part a change in me won't change the world. At least not the world I'm specifically hoping to change, and most definitely not the overnight change I'm wishing and praying would happen.

That, that disappoints me.

I feel, strangely enough, as though I'm at a turning point in my life. As though I'm running a race, but am looking at a dead end.
Have you ever been lost? Lost in the woods, a big city, long strange corridors of a hospital? The first thing you do when you realize you don't know exactly where you're going is to slow down. You might even stop, stop and think a bit about the last things you saw that told you where you were or the right way to go. Your mind races as you slowly begin moving again searching, searching trees, or street signs, or room numbers. Anything that will tell you where you should turn.

I'm not lost. At least not spiritually speaking. But I'm searching for something. I'm in the waiting period for my official licensing for foster care. It might just be that that's the turn that's going to happen and I just have to trust God and wait. I'm ok with that. But I'm going to keep searching. Going to keep reading my bible looking for signs, listening to my pastor who might mention a direction, but most of all, listening for that Voice. The Voice of the very one I'm chasing.

I pray that I will walk steadily and confidently in good works. To walk in faith. To walk humbly in love, mercy, compassion, reverence and wisdom. I wouldn't take anything for my journey now.

Disappointments

To start, I didn't mean to badmouth the Holy Spirit. If it seemed like I was doing that in my recent post, I apologize sincerely. That wasn't my intent at all.

There is a lot going on. A lot. The only aspect of my life that doesn't feel a little battered is my work. Suffice it to say I'm enjoying my work more than ever now.

I'm disappointed. Disappointed that so many in my church choose to not go to church, more often than they choose to go to church. Disappointed that some of them literally can't attend every service. Disappointed that I haven't seen my niece and nephew in too long by my standards. Disappointed that my family can't just love each other. Disappointed that my family, that calls itself Christian, isn't something I can reference to when talking of God's love. And where my family is concerned, I bear the brunt of the responsibility for us not loving each other. That disappoints me as well.

I'm disappointed when I read that if you know to do good, and you don't do it, it's a sin. I'm disappointed because all around me I'm seeing good things that need to be done. I'm disappointed that I spend more time thinking about how there's not enough time or emotional energy to do all those good things, than I spend doing those good things. I'm disappointed that I just keep sinning.

I'm disappointed that I seem to fail so very often. They say failure is only counted if you don't get back up when you fall, but I don't count it that way. I'm disappointed because I hoped that somehow once I had the Holy Spirit that I'd be a better person. That I'd love better, and fail less. But I didn't (my fault, not His). I'm disappointed because I don't have nearly as much of God in my life as I know I could have. I'm disappointed because, even knowing how amazing God is, I still hold on to pieces of myself that I don't want to give away.

I'm disappointed because I see potential on each line of this post, yet am afraid that those that can't see it will only be discouraged further. I'm disappointed I'm not a better writer when it comes to writing of God's mercies.

If I have discouraged you, then read on and I'll give you the only hope I've got.

I'm encouraged in the fact that I can clearly see that I'm the source of my problems. And that God is the solution to my problems. Should I track my way to God, the way I'm suppose to, at the end of every journey I'd find Him there. Actually, I'd find He was beside me on the whole journey. There isn't anything too difficult for Him to fix. Whether it be relationships, hearts, lives, or souls. In Him there is strength.

I'm not searching for a God that doesn't want to be found, I'm not in a one sided relationship with someone that doesn't want to a better relationship.

When my niece and nephew play hide and seek with me, they stuff themselves into some nook or cranny (generally one they've hidden in a hundred times before) and wait excitedly for themselves to be found. They're hiding, but the most exciting part of the whole game is being found.

You see, if I am cooking dinner and the kids are in the house I can stay where I am and turn my head and probably be able to find them. But, for hide and seek, I have to drop everything I'm doing. Finding them may be simple, but I have to stop what I'm doing and go to where they are at for us BOTH to enjoy the thrill of the find. I can enjoy God's company while I'm cooking dinner, but to find Him, to enjoy the find and celebrate it, I have to stop what I'm doing, go to where He's at and then enjoy the growth, change, blessings, encouragement, strength, joy, peace, love, friendship, and comfort available to me as I find Him.

My disappointments lie in hindsight. The number of times I let the kids play by themselves and didn't search. The number of times I didn't search for God. I will always be disappointed in a sinful world. But, for me, utter disappointment is good in a way.

You see, if I weren't so disappointed, I wouldn't want to change so very badly.

Stuck in my head

Misguided and deluded

I had all sorts of Christmas and Thanksgiving posts just ready to go after a long 4 day weekend.

Unfortunately, or maybe not unfortunately, those are all going to be shoved aside while I get this out of my system.

I feel misguided, deluded, maybe even a little cheated.

You see, when I was seeking God for the Holy Ghost everyone constantly told me how the Holy Ghost would empower me. None of that was especially encouraging while I was seeking. It's almost mean to tell someone how great what they're not receiving is.

Now that I've got it though, I have to tell you, I couldn't feel less empowered.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My blogs only a year old and already I'm doing reruns.
I love the thanksgiving poem I did last year and so I'm giving it to you again this year.
I hope you all have a wonderful day today, but more than anything I pray that on this special day we'd all be overwhelmed with a realization of our many many blessings. I pray that for this day, Our Father might look down on us and be honored and pleased by our thankful hearts.
So enjoy your turkey, and, if you can't be thankful for anything else, be thankful you're not a turkey. :)

~Thanksgiving~

The Turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom
then splattered all over the kitchen
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows
it totally coated the floor
there was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance
it smeared every saucer and bowl
there wasn't a way I could stop it
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Why I'm thankful today.

I can't forget the way life used to be. I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound I spent my days pouring my life without measure. Into a little treasure box I thought I found. Until the day when Jesus came to me and healed my soul with the wonder of His touch. So now I'm giving back to Him all the praise He's worthy of . I've been forgiven and that's why I love Him so much.


I've posted the lyrics to this song before, but I thought it was especially appropriate for me to post it today.

I remember bondage all too well.

If you had asked me 5 years ago to imagine my life today... I wouldn't have described anything like this. Under my Saviors tender ministrations to my heart so much pain, and anger and fear has just melted away. To imagine feeling this feeling - a feeling of love and protection. I walk with a feeling of perfect security as I follow The Shepherd who will do whatever it takes to make in me a reflection of Him.

He's forgiven me, adopted me, and loved me.

And that is why I am thankful.

Chuckle today

If you are prone to this kind of a story you could almost cry.

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.
One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Let go, but don't ever give up.

I had a strange dream last night.

I've noticed I'm having more strange dreams than I can recall ever having. I wonder if Kool-aid effects your dreams. That would certainly explain what's going on with me lately.

My most recent dream had more dead bodies in it than I could count, and I won't go into detail but I saw Ronald Reagan shot multiple times. I told you it was strange.

I woke up and pulled up the dream dictionary which informs me that the dead bodies obviously symbolize that I've got a negative relationship in my life that needs to end.

Strangely enough, a guest preacher at our church Sunday encouraged us to not give up on relationships. When in doubt I always tend to follow a Godly source rather than all the strange sources I can pull off the internet.

So I'm standing up.

I believe I've sat down for quite awhile, and I actually had to repent of that as God made something clear to me Sunday. You see, I have a problem.

Somewhere, sometime along the way, I lost my best friend.

I knew this person better I knew anyone else on earth. We thought alike, we believed alike, I knew where he was going to go in a song before he ever went there. We have a shared history of pain and secrets together that no one would probably imagine. There is no one on earth that I've enjoyed spending time with more than my friend. But somewhere along the way, I'm not even sure what or when that point was, but we came to a fork in the road and we each ended up taking a different path.

I've had so much to say to this person, that I never said, just so I wouldn't make them angry. I sinned, in that I wanted to preserve that friendship more than I was willing to follow God. I was afraid angering my friend would keep me from visiting his children, so I sinned in loving his children and placing them over my love for obeying my Saviour.

Ultimately now, the end result is that my relationship with my friend seems beyond repair, I've been kept from visiting with the very children I had made so important in my heart, and I've still never said the things that God continuously prompted me to say.

With hindsight I see that I wasn't putting these other people before God as much as I was putting my own desires before God. Facing a God of justice I have no excuse, and no option but to seek His mercy over my sins. The very idea of coming before my King with my wayward self, pains me. And I find myself calling on His mercies with a simple plea of 'one more time'.

In all of this, I've learned more about God's love for us.

You see, my friend promised me all kinds of physical support for when I begin doing foster care. And while I appreciate him thinking it, inwardly I felt something near physical pain as I wished he'd understand a love that simply desires him as he is. Not because of anything he could do for me. I wish I could hold onto the bond that held us together. I want things to be like they were before. I wish they'd never changed in the first place.

It made me wonder how many physical things I do for God when all He wants is my time. As I tell Him I'll go clean the church for Him, does He groan and wish I understood He'd rather me spend that 45 minutes just talking with Him? As I concentrate on how much I'm able to tithe, does He wish I'd just read His word more so He could tell me something?

God forgive me for holding onto so much so tightly.

Hardheadedness part 2

Just a quick thought of thankfulness that occurred to me and I wanted to give it to you.

I am so very thankful that God is hardheaded about loving me.


For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38 & 39

The second slowest week on earth.

9 hours, from 8am to 5pm of staring at the wall.

Not necessarily just staring at the wall, but close. My job is to help people get jobs and no one wants a job the week of Thanksgiving.
So here I sit.
So I thought, being the season and all, that I'd take time to tell you of my blessings.

I've got a good job. An amazing co-worker (Lisa), truly nice people in our other offices, and the bosses couldn't be more generous.
My house, has survived a fire, and has the flimsiest looking roof you could picture yet doesn't leak. Not even a drop. When a tornado went through town this year water seemed to be blasted into the house through the windows, but that was the only damage to my home. Around town trees were uprooted, homes destroyed, at the very minimum most houses had multiple broken windows from huge balls of hail. Not my house. My house stood, solid and steady. Home.
My dad has prostate cancer. He's edging closer and closer to the end. I'm able to peacefully consider not just his death but his life as well. To remember back 14 years to a time when I easily considered taking his life - to now, the change in my heart overwhelms me.
My hand has become a serious issue for me, but almost immediately a blessing came from it as immediately after my struggle started someone came to me needing me to understand their struggle. And I could. I never would have before.
Last February an 18 wheeler plowed into my car and totalled it. Amazingly enough it was totalled in every way except the ways that would effect the driving (except for being able to see out the back). I walked out of the car with a headache and glass all over me and not one scratch.
I drove that same car home - a 14 hr drive. Within 10 hours of arriving home another car was sitting in my driveway. A gift to use as long as I needed it, or could pay for later if I wanted to buy it. I bought it, for the exact price I told God I needed a car for, and am still driving that car today.
My niece and nephew (ages 8 & 5). They're new blessings in the way that they're blessings each time I see them. They have taught me more about love and patience, acceptance and disciplining than I could have ever hoped to learn. I couldn't have asked for a more precious gift than those two.
I've noticed myself thinking and saying more often about how I might have thought I had peace and happiness before but back then I had no concept of what true peace and happiness really is. The something will happen the very next day and I'll tell you again how I have peace and happiness now that is so amazing that I surely didn't have even the slightest concept of what true peace and happiness was yesterday. I love going deeper.
This year I've finally spoken in tongues, and sang in tongues. It's become a whole different subject to study and grow in, and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
I'm truly blessed to know my pastor and his wife. I wish I could tell you what a difference they've made in my life. I don't know what all they've had to go through to become exactly what I needed, or what all happened to bring them to the place I needed them to be at the time I needed them to be there, but happen it did.

For all the struggles and trials, for all the lessons I keep repeating over and over again, I am so truly blessed. I don't have time, nor the memory to tell you all that God has done this year so far. But there has been time after time after time that He's given me exactly what I needed for the exact price I needed, or when I counted my change it just happened to be the exact amount that whatever I was buying cost. I can't tell you how many sermons I've heard that taught on the very issue I was dealing with. The "coincidences" in my life, are far too many to be anything but God's handiwork in my life.
I am blessed. And I am so, simply because of God's love and His mercy, His goodness and His grace.

Nothing more.
Nothing less.

Hardheadedness

Yesterday I was informed that hardheadedness is not a virtue.

I didn't dispute the point, but I did spend far more time thinking about what the man had said than he probably would have expected me to.

As I walked to work this morning I was thinking it over. I actually had a completely different post planned for today, but this one ended up taking precedence. I thought about where I would be if I weren't hardheaded. I thought about the things that threaten to challenge my hardheadedness. And I came to one solid conclusion. Hardheadedness might not be a virtue, but it is most definitely an asset.

Because I'm hardheaded, doubts don't penetrate as deeply as they could a "soft" head. It's a stubborn attitude of 'I can do it and I will do it'. It doesn't allow me to take the easy route usually, in the particular case of yesterday it refused to allow me to stand back and do nothing while I waited for someone to be available to do something for me.

Hardheadedness rarely allows me to be weak. It rarely allows me to crawl back under the covers and give up. It rarely allows me to think something is too hard, too dangerous, too tall, too heavy, too far, too deep, or - and most importantly sometimes - too costly.
It tells me it doesn't hurt too much, physically or emotionally to stop.
It tells me that if something needs to be done that it's obviously possible to be done.
It tells me, every day, that I can keep going.
Hardheadedness is fearless in the face of fear, strong in the face of weakness, and practically laughs in the face of doubters.
If anything, I hope I become more hardheaded.

Unfortunately, there's also a drawback to it.

You see, it was my hardheadedness that caused the need for apology that I mentioned in my last post. I got so set on "I can do it and I will do it" that I failed to listen to someone telling me not to do it.

So as I made my trek to work I prayed simply this.


Father, balance me. Help my eyes to see, my ears to hear, my mouth to speak Your words, my feet to go where You'd have them go and my hands to help where You'd have them to help. Help my head to grow harder, that the doubts and fears and worries that so often try and find entrance to my mind would not be able to penetrate. But Father, more than any of those things cultivate, soften, and strengthen my heart until the only thing able to rule over every aspect of my eyes, ears, mouth, feet, hands and mind is a heart that is ever longing for You.