I remember once listening to a group of women telling me that on bad days they all wished that they had never left the blissful singlehood that I am enjoying. And I remember that same afternoon informing God that if I ever DID get married I would hope that I wouldn't trade even the worst day of married life for the best day of singlehood.
I realized today that the same principal applies to my relationship with Christ. The worst day living for Christ is still better than the best day without Him.
5am this morning I was listening to a radio program called Grace To You. The preacher John MacArthur started off his message by listing nearly a dozen questions about prayer that I have asked myself so many times. To give you an idea of the discussion he summed up all the questions with one "If God is Sovereign, why should I pray?" It was a good program and I really enjoyed it. As I was listening to the program, thoughts and ideas flooded my head, some ideas changing, some things he said raising more questions, I found myself thinking "I can't wait to talk to God about this".
God is the only one that gets the very deepest of me, the questions, fears, frustrations, but He also gets the deepest of the best of me as well. From my desires, love, trust, openness, and so much more. My relationship with Him these last 4 years has been the best relationship I could have possibly asked for.
Unfortunately, right after I got excited about talking to God about what I was learning through the radio program, I remembered... "Wait, I'm not happy with God right now." The quandary I was suddenly put in strangely enough put a smile on my face.
Earlier in the morning I had realized that my desire was simple. God can give me any burden He wants and I'm pretty well ok with it, as long as I know He loves me and this is in His plan FOR ME. It's seemed the last couple of weeks that He making plans for everyone else BUT me, and loving everyone else BUT me.
But for all my complaints, for my shouts of unfairness and whining, I love Him. I'm just desperately wanting reassurance that He loves me too.
If you go here and scroll down to the last section called "Old and Gospel Classic Gospel Music" the first first song is Alabaster Box by Ce Ce Winans. If you'd like to hear it, that song and a lot of others are free. It has been a great resource to me since I love music so much.
But to carry on the words to the chorus say "And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears and I dry them with my hair. You weren't there the night He found me. You did not feel what I felt when He wrapped His love all around me. And you don't know the cost of the oil in my Alabaster Box".
The second verse is even more appropriate for me saying "I can't forget the way life used to be. I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound I spent my days pouring my life without measure. Into a little treasure box I thought I found. Until the day when Jesus came to me And healed my soul with the wonder of His touch. So now I'm giving back to Him all the praise He's worthy of . I've been forgiven and that's why I love Him so much."
I don't know how everyone else works, but for me, I know where I've come from. I know the changes He's worked in me. And for that, the freedom from the pain and guilt - I'm more than grateful. Even though I haven't acted like it lately.
Any other time I've known without an inkling of a doubt that God loves me. And right now I just can't see it, I desperately want a reminder.
Thank you, to those that have commented lately. You really were an encouragement, and I appreciate your words.