What's the best way to pray? What words should I be using? Should I be focused in on His holiness and simply try to find Him by expounding His good works, or should I simply bombard Him with my continued chanting of 'more more more".
And it was then, that I realized what a unique God I have. He's a unique God that will teach me to serve and seek Him in unique ways. He doesn't have a cookie cutter pattern of how to seek Him. And when I asked Him to teach me how to seek Him, He's been teaching me unique ways to find Him.
Clever idea huh? a unique God doing unique things?
I was reading A.W. Tozers book "The Pursuit of God" and one of the things He mentioned surprised me. He mentioned (in a good way) a specific thing that I thought was the worst part of my seeking. He said:
Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking.
The twists and turns I've made between mournful and joyful in just the past two months left me considering that I was losing my mind. To hear even the idea that others have been through this is actually a relief. I may still be crazy, but at least it's a good kind of crazy.
It also made me realize all the things that have been happening in the past two months. Since the madness of my seeking has grown, so has the fullness of my findings. It's been amazing. There has been a lot of grief that's come as well, strange things where people just happen to hurt my feelings or the devil tempting me with lies and sins.
I haven't won every battle. But the one major defeat I suffered I was able to get up and not only repent but shake off the failure of defeat. And for me, that's a lot harder than repenting. I'm finding God. I'm seeking God. And it's got to be one of the best experiences of my life.
In all this, I've learned something. Seeking God, daily, takes effort. It's much like eating healthy or exercising. It doesn't just happen. A lot of people, myself included, have the desire to exercise, but they just don't get up and do it. Much the same, a lot of people have the desire for more of God, but they simply don't add seeking Him to their lifestyle.
I'll warn you, this seeking business feels like a roller coaster ride. And tagging along with it has been a lot of strange things to hurt my feelings. The idea of giving up passes my mind almost daily. I realize this isn't a very motivational way to get others interested in seeking God. So let me just say this: I'm changing. I'm becoming step by step more of who God wants me to be. That's just a by product. I've got a better relationship right now with God, than I have ever had with anyone else on this earth. And that relationship is only growing, becoming deeper and more exciting.
And so I leave you with one more quote from A.W. Tozers "The Pursuit of God"
It is, however, not an end but an inception, for now begins the glorious pursuit the heart's happy exploration of the infinite riches of the Godhead. That is where we begin, I say, but where: we stop no man has yet discovered, for there is in the awful and mysterious deaths of the Triune God neither limit nor end.