Purging.

In four little boxes on a dry erase board, a Sunday school teacher once listed out 4 different aspects to yourself.

Box one: Things you know about yourself that others know.
Box two: Things you know about yourself that others don't know.
Box three: Things others know about you that you don't know.
Box four: Things God knows about you that no one else (including you) knows.

I understood the idea behind the boxes, but as usual my perspective changed once I experienced them. I ran smack into box four last night. It took me off guard, and even now I'm still trying to figure out why I reacted the way that I did.

I don't get really angry a lot. I get mad, frustrated, upset, but it's generally something I move past; few times in my life have I ever been "lets take this outside" angry. So I guess that made it all the more surprising when I opened a simple envelope and things got out of control.

A couple that had been unable to attend my housewarming party gave me a card yesterday morning. I had stuffed it in my purse and, thanks to a busy afternoon, forgotten it until after church last night. As I thought more about the card, I had a strange sense of foreboding that, in lieu of a gift since they didn't make the party, there might be money in the card. I was hoping with everything in me that it wasn't so. This card just happened to be from the same couple I'd had a problem with previously, and I wasn't sure how I would take receiving a gift from them.

Over a year ago, I'd found myself in a situation with these people, a bad situation that I couldn't have handled worse. And I've since then, I had grown to believe that I would handle it better if I were ever placed in this position again. In the aftermath of the situation I thought with absolute certainty that I'd moved on, learned to be more cautious, and as long as I was careful things wouldn't get that bad again.

I'm not so certain anymore.

Spring forward to last night. Upon opening the card and indeed discovering money in the card all rational thought absolutely left my mind. I grabbed the money, wadded it up and threw it in the floor of the car. Then, looking at the card, I ripped it to shreds, and threw that into the floor as well. I literally wiped my hands off then because my hands had touched something they'd touched. That's how far into crazy land I suddenly went.

I was still outside in my car at this point, because I had decided I didn't want anything from them in my house. Yes, still crazy, I know. I couldn't imagine going into the house and just being in there all upset, so I drove. And I drove and I drove. Not five minutes into the trip I decided that the envelope needed to be ripped up as well, so I took care of that, then continued on.

By the time I got back, I hated the money even more. And I discovered that receiving a gift from this couple, made me feel like absolute trash. And it's hard to live with yourself feeling like that.

Of all the thoughts that I thought, the most predominant one was "I thought this was over" I thought my heart was settled on the issue, I thought I wasn't upset anymore.

Enter box four: Things God knows about me that no one else knows.

I've been praying for more of God. And this is about the third thing to suddenly rise up in the last week to surprise me. Things that were in my heart, that I didn't imagine were there. So I've begun to wonder if this isn't Gods way of answering my prayer. Maybe the problem is that I can only get so close, and still hold onto the things that I hold on to. Maybe this is part of the purging process. Keep in mind, I'm using the word "maybe" a lot. At this point, it seems almost foolish to think I know anything for certain.

I want in closer. I want more. More God in my life, and less of me in Gods. And if this is the process to get it, bring it on. It might cost me a lot of gas money, but ultimately my goal is more than worth it.