It's odd how we claim so many promises from the bible about our own blessings. The first one that comes to mind is how He would "open the windows of Heaven and pour out a blessing" Malachi. 3:10. We claim healing, we claim prosperity, we claim strength, we claim wisdom, we claim FOG even ("Favor of God") in our relationships and dealings with people we want to do things for us.
In my many years of church-going I've also learned that at the end of all those requests, you're supposed to state that God would do all these things so "HE" would be glorified. Because it's certainly not about us wanting more things, an easier go of it, or anything like that right? Yeah, it's not about us. Really. We just want God to be glorified by doing nice things for us. That's certainly the only reason I would ask. Really. -- Have I dripped enough sarcasm onto these sentences yet?
The other day, my brother had gone to the library and come back with some videos with the intent of making his children watch them thus gaining substance, and slight education over this education-less summer break. That evening, they sat at the kitchen table and were asked to tell us what happened in the movie.
The first story, was about a man named William Tyndale. You may have heard of this famous name if you happen to own a Bible. Well, according to our brief book report Mr. Tyndale translated the Bible into the English language, but the church didn't like it, and the king didn't like it, and they found out he did it so they burned him.
The second story, was about a man named Jim Elliot. If you're not a reader or you just haven't read "Through Gates of Splendor" by his wife Elisabeth Elliot, perhaps you've seen the movie version called "End of the Spear". The kids watched a short animated version, and according to our mini book reporters Jim (or Sam as he was accidentally called) went to preach to the Mexican people, and they didn't like him because he had weapons and so they killed him.
That one report is a little less than accurate - you can click on the names to get the fuller, far more interesting stories of these two men - but the one thing that stuck with me through the two recitals was - both stories ended the exact same way. Both men were killed.
While we're praying God will bless us, (while we do little to nothing to further His Kingdom except for the "letting our Godly lives speak for Him") these men took on specific missions from God and if I compared myself with either one of them, I'm pretty sure between the two of us they are the ones that deserve the blessings. Or one might imagine they could gain at least the blessing of protection so they don't get killed doing what God has sent them to do.
But no, God was glorified in their work, in their lives, and even in their deaths. God uses glory, and takes glory from situations that we would least expect Him to. That - THAT is the glory that is really about God and not us.
Our lives are meant to glorify God, to be in a blessed relationship with Him that brings Him glory. But those blessings are rarely blessings of prosperity, except in the fact that we have ALL things of Christ at our disposal and so because of that our every need is supplied.
We Christians tend to get cranky when our needs aren't met but it's typically because we spent our "need" money on other things, we spent our "need" health on other hobbies. We spend our "needs" on "wants" and then wait for God to bless again for the need. I think God sometimes just wants to get our attention concerning how little we really need.
But our blessings still run deep and pure, and in over abundance. And perhaps we'll all see that when we begin to try and see things Gods way, rather than according to our flesh. God is good.
William Tyndale knew God was good even as he was tied to the stake. Jim Elliot knew God was good even as he was murdered by the Auca Indians. Perhaps we can find it in ourselves to know God is good even if we don't have a new car.
Since I no longer go to church here, I suppose I'm officially breaking and entering. The fact that I used a key only means that no one has remembered to request it of me, and I have yet to remember to return it.
But, being raised in a church - this was instinctively where I pointed my car when I got the news we'd all been wondering for a while now.
A counselor has recommended my mother stop using her medication. It is no longer doing her any good.
I was in a store, standing next to a clothing rack when the voice over the cell phone told me how the bad days that I'd witnessed a couple of weeks ago were progressively getting worse. I remember walking out to my car and looking into the rearview mirror and looking at my face. I'd never recognized the emotion of grief on my face before. Yet there it was, so very different from all the other emotions, looking back at me from this strange face in the mirror. I managed to not cry for 23 minutes.
And then I went to church to cry.
I was at a stop light, with tears rolling down my face, when I considered how we don't deserve anything more from God, but as a Father He truly cares about my earnest please God that is still ripping from my gut.
My mom is going to be gone beyond any of our reach all too soon. I speak that in faith, knowing she won't be gone to me forever, but it doesn't diminish the grief. Grief.
Just in case anyone needs to hear this; I believe Christians should feel emotions. Grief, sadness, joy, heartache. I believe it's ok to cry because it hurts. I believe hurting over things does not, in any way whatsoever, show a lack of faith or hope in Christ Jesus. I know Jesus grieved. I know Jesus had sorrows. I know Jesus cried. I know Jesus never lost faith.
I am free to do the same. Just so long as I, too, do not lose faith.
Father God, my mother is dying with alzheimers and the pills don't work anymore, please heal her. My dear pastor is dying with heart problems, every stint seems to only buy a little more time before the next one, please heal him. My dear L is constantly suffering with migraines, and so many medical problems that I don't even know them all - please take control back for her and heal her. My friend is suffering daily with fibromyalgia, constant pain and nothing seems to work to free her of it, please heal her. My friend refuses to believe in a God who loves Him and created the universe, instead he chooses to chase psychological cures and hope from the world, please draw Him. My friends father is chained by alcohol and simply cannot find release, please deliver him.
Please Jesus, You have shown mercy beyond compare to me in my journey. You have made me Your child when I am less than nothing, yet You loved me. It's because of all You have done up to now that I know You care, and that's why I ask so many things of you that I still do not deserve. Because my worthiness means nothing to Your graciousness. You are simply gracious and merciful despite my faults.
I think a small mutiny is about to break out in the house over Honey Nut cheerios. Seriously.
It's the third week of these cheerios, with only one small interval of corn flakes.
Corn flakes were cheaper so I tried switching us, only to find out that the box of corn flakes emptied far faster than the cheerios box so it really wasn't a savings. Plus it wasn't as filling. And when you're scrimping on things, filling is super helpful.
The kids however, are beginning to hate my cheerios. They want variety. They want to eat something different. And since cheerios are the only option, many a morning they try and skip breakfast altogether.
This is important to me, so read that again - Cheerios are the only option so since they don't like cheerios they try and skip breakfast altogether.
But, breakfast isn't about putting something in your mouth to taste. It's about putting something in your stomach to survive.
Switching all of this over to spiritual terms, I got stuck on Exodus recently... I needed to read it to move through to the next book but, really um, wasn't enjoying myself too much and my heart certainly wasn't racing at the knowledge that Leviticus was next.
But you read to grow, to stay alive and vibrant in Christ, you cannot just skip from exciting story to story. What if you read about the battle of Jericho and Sampson, but didn't bother reading the Psalms because they bored you? What if you kept on reading the Psalms and Proverbs because you find them comforting, but skip the obscure books you might not think about usually like Ruth, or Jude? It's like living a constant life of eating cakes and hamburgers, but never the fiber and vegetables you need in order to be healthy.
Eating can be enjoyable, tasty, wonderful... but the reasons for eating should always be foremost in our minds. I'm reading, because I want to live, I want to be healthy. I do not want to be weak. So, even when the food looks a little bland - Numbers anyone?? - I eat, when it looks too complicated - Ezekiel?? - I eat anyway. When it looks too spicy - SoS, seriously, not for single readers - I eat.
Variety is wonderful, but it often leads to waste. When you hippity hop from preference to preference you miss out on some staples that your biblical diet absolutely needs. So next time I'm tempted to turn my nose up at the cauliflower, I'll have to remember it's probably just the Deuteronomy of the food world. :)
So I have a song. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you who sings it because I hate the name of the band. It's by a group apparently called "Big Daddy Weave" yeah I know, I'm sorry. Regardless, looking past the muddy name to the music is the song "You Found Me." It is one of the few songs I will crank the volume up and actually sit in the car and wait for it to finish (even when it came on just as I parked).
I like this song. I'll give you the words and a video in a minute, you should at least read the words even if you don't hit the video so you can hear the song.
This morning I was on my way to babysit with my niece and nephew when the song came on and I instantly turned the volume up and began... uhum... enjoying the song. I admit, I stopped at a very long stop light. I also admit there were other cars around. And according to my niece and nephew people were apparently... looking.
I honestly doubt that information because when I looked at the kids they were scrunched down so very low in their seats that it was surely impossible for them to see "all the people staring". Still, an incredible air guitar song opportunity is not to be squandered away just because of watchers. Matter of fact, that's all the more reason to continue. So I did, quite happily until the end of the song.
The song ended as did the red light thankfully (how long are the lights up here... seriously... someone should write someone about this) and the protests immediately began. "PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT YOU"
"So?" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
So I told them about joy, and how if you continue to smush joy down so others can't see it it will become harder and harder for you to see it. Then, they both gaped at me as I forcefully called them cowards who will never change the world.
They simply couldn't believe I'd say that.
And I told them that to change the world, you have to be willing to let people see you be changed in the world. The world looks up when you act different just to see what you're doing. And they do that because so few people actually act different anymore. (At least in a joyful and good way.)
I played hopscotch on kitchen tiles, and ran circles around a three year old, I shook my face making blubbering sounds all because it made two little kids enjoy a moment of j o y, happiness, laughter. And a lot of people would have done the exact same thing for these kids. Just to see them giggle and laugh. But then, we crazy people, stand up and soberly look at other adults and speak about stern important issues like when we'll get our next x-box game or if Michael Jacksons doctor actually killed MJ.
I think we adults are stupid sometimes.
I lost my joy when I wondered if I was making others unhappy with it.. it just didn't make sense and then suddenly I fell off balance and couldn't just manufacture that joy back inside me. Little wonder that I got sick during that period eh?
But something happened to me late Tuesday afternoon when I finally took a Tylenol. (Have I mentioned how very much I hate medicine??) 20 minutes later I was no longer looking for ways to rip my jaw off my face and while it was obviously still swollen - it didn't hurt anymore. Instantly, the words "Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh, what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer." Tylenol had been 15 feet away from me ever since I got home Sunday night... I had just refused to take it.
Sometimes we just refuse to give the burdens to God and leave them entirely with Him so that even though we're not sure how bad it will get we know. We know that we know that we know that we know, God is in control somehow and it's going to be OK. The important things will be OK. And despite my opinion.. my credit score is not labelled among Gods top 10 "Important things concerning Jeanette".
But when you do leave it with God... and you just trust, and wait, and stress a little, and wonder... that's when you can settle into this beautiful thing called "J o y". *Here's where I take a moment to mention that for reasons that I still can't figure out, $190 dollars showed up in my bank account the week that we moved here - there are no new deposits, it's almost as though I was looking at someone elses account when I first looked. I haven't the faintest idea where the money appeared from. And yes, that's why I tithe faithfully. I'm too chicken not to.
Joy unspeakable and full of glory and air guitars.
The lyrics as promised followed by the video. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You Found Me" by Good band name here Big Daddy Weave I saw 03.00 AM come and go again Another sleepless night, thanks to living my own way All my great ideas, I’ve regretted most of them But that was back long before the day
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound Of a voice like thunder shake the ground It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat And the arms that gripped me felt like grace And I realized in their embrace To be held so tight I’ve never felt so free Hmmm hmm Also know as,The day that you found me
My whole life has changed ever since the day You came The way I see, the things I want, it’s everything Some may call it strange, I don’t care what people say I knew You were the only way
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound Of a voice like thunder shake the ground It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat And the arms that gripped me felt like grace And I realized in their embrace To be held so tight I’ve never felt so free Hmmm hmm Also know as,The day that you found me
I’ve never known a love like this You’ve captured my heart and You brought the sweetest Peace to my life, brought me into the light Now I’m all Yours, Jesus, draw me into You I don’t think that I could ever be the same Who would want to be anyway
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound Of a voice like thunder shake the ground It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat And the arms that gripped me felt like grace And I realized in their embrace To be held so tight I’ve never felt so free
Faith, wavering. Faith?Receive nothing of the Lord? Faith, nothing wavering.
"Count it all joy," James wrote, "when you fall into diverse temptations. Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work that ye may be perfect, and entire, wanting nothing."
"If any of you lack wisdom," he adds, "let Him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed." "For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord."
... I'm strangely reminded of (not surprising to know my mind is working in a strange way...) the movie "You're a good man Charlie Brown." Terrific movie if you haven't seen it. In one vital scene all the Peanuts gang is circled around Charlie Brown giving him the song of his life, "YOU COULD BE KING CHARLIE BROWN, YOU COULD BE KIINNNNGGG!" they bellow ever so loudly.
Then Lucy, good ol' Lucy, finishes if off with "If only you weren't so wishy-washy."
End scene.
Everyone knows someone wishy-washy. I'd hazard a guess that you yourself are wishy washy on certain things. I'm so wishy washy that I've spent the last two months of my life saying boldly "Gods going to do something amazing." almost immediately followed by the nail biting crazy-eyed statement "What is God doing?"
On the drive - the very l o n g drive to San Antonio following the Penske truck with all my possessions in it (except of course the possessions crammed in my trunk and backseat) I found myself quoting those verses from James to myself over and over again. At one point I was even yelling the primary one I was focused in on. "For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord."
What?
When is the last time you wrote a letter to someone and felt confident enough to say "If so-n-so does _______ I hope you make sure he knows he's not going to get his prayers answered."
Yeah, I didn't write a letter like that either. Probably never will. (Though, now I may have jinxed it.)
But it's one of the few places that I know of... ok, the only one that I know of but I'm only familiar with this one because I memorized the first chapter of James at one point - I'm sure there's more in the Bible if I look for it. But it's the only place that I know of where someone says "If you do this, God will not give you what you're asking for."
Sure there are tips on HOW to get what you're asking for... pure heart, Gods will, no brothers with ought against you, etc. but no other that tells me: "God WILL say no."
I find this very important. Because these have been the two crazy walk-away-from-everythingmost months and asking in "faith, nothing wavering" is difficult. Nothing wavering? Not even a little bit? Oh come on...
But I can't change what God said.
And, though I've asked, God didn't rewrite that portion of the Bible for me. Believe me, I checked.
Faith, nothing wavering.
Lord I have faith... Help Thou my unbelief.
And you know what... as wishy-washy as that prayer sounds I believe you can let this girl think she'll receive something of the Lord. You'd be hard pressed to convince me otherwise.
It's.... odd... or at least hard to wrap my mind around how God takes time to know where I should be, where I should work, and who I should meet.
I got a little part time job babysitting while I continued looking for "real work". Then as I told people about my new job, I had more people than I stopped to count inform me that I needed to find work as a Nanny.
Almost as a joke, I responded to an ad on craigslist of all places. (I like craigslist, really, but craigslist has a bunnnnnch of scams.) And the next thing I know, I'm a nanny.
To top it off, the mother liked me so much she wanted to offer me the job the same evening I interviewed (Her next two interviews were not scheduled until today.) That's simply called the favor of God preceding my interview because that's more than should be expected.
So... I'm a nanny. Crazy.
But at the same time as I write this putting in boldface the idea that God would care so much about the details of MY life. I know that as much as He loves me it really isn't so entirely about me.
It's about HIS work, being done in HIS timing, and HIS way.
Unfortunately, He's using a crack pot for a vessel, and I can only pray I get all of the "HIS" parts right, and hit a few less of the "I" parts.
I'd headed out last weekend to pay my official respects to the title "dad" by visiting him. It could have actually qualified as a good weekend except one thing: about 6pm Saturday I felt a sinus infection coming on.
At least that's what I think it is. Next thing I know it feels like I've got a tooth ache on every single tooth on the right side of my face. It's.... so.... special... I've got a miracle cure for this problem - since I hate medicine - it's a nifty little thing called Colloidal Silver. Unfortunately, I couldn't just go off and find some right then. Saturday became Sunday, and Sunday became Monday. It hurt. So Monday morning I found "Vitamin World!" who sells my precious.
It didn't work instantly, as it normally does, because by then I had some beautiful swelling going on, was trying not to talk any more than I absolutely had to, and was reminding myself that no one ever died of "face pain".
Here's where the post gets real.
I have a baby sitting job, it's just a very small part time thing that occupies two days a week while I look for work. Monday I was praying that God would heal the stupid infection (or whatever it actually is) so I could go to work. It's really hard to babysit a 2 yr old without, you know, t a l k i n g.
And here's the kicker: God told me to go to work.
I reminded Him of the obvious. He told me to go to work.
Tuesday morning arrived, my face throbbing more than any of the previous days, I called the employer and said I just couldn't be there that day.
It's one of those events where you tell yourself; "You know, that probably wasn't really God anyway. That's just my inner work-a-holic speaking."
We went to church tonight, and the song service stomped all over me. The second song especially got to me with the words to the verses speaking very specifically to me and what had transpired between myself and God.
I see a generation Rising up to take the place With selfless faith, with selfless faith I see a new revival Starting as we pray and seek We're on our knees, we're on our knees Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart for what is yours Everything I am for your kingdom's cause As I walk from earth into eternity (Hosanna by Brook Fraser)
I repented, then and there of disobeying - but God wasn't done yet. The next song began, and the chorus to that song simply repeats over and over again "God, You Reign."
And that's when I realized - I'd taken control of myself from God by refusing His directive. Yes I disobeyed - but in one of the few, very real, moments when He's told me to do something specific and out of the ordinary that I didn't like I chose my will over His.
It was hard to sing out "God You Reign!" when I knew I hadn't allowed Him to. I'm thankful God allowed me to see the deeper implications to my sin rather than just assume the initial idea of disobedience.
As I listened to the song, repenting and most of all praying to do better - I was surprised at the completely different tone of the next song that was played. It was almost as if the leader knew I was out there repenting - it sang:
I cling to the cross and everything it means I know it's the only hope there is for saving me For without Your great mercy I would be forever lost With a thankful heart I come And cling to the cross (I cling to the cross - Paul Baloche)
I'm a Christian, I love God more than I could possibly express. He loves you too, in a expression that I will NEVER understand, He sent His son to die for you and for me. While we were nasty and ugly and bitter and angry in our sins THAT'S when He chose to die for us. Amazing Love.
