It's odd that her name means Peace.
Because I'm sitting here, so utterly overwhelmed that I could cry. Nothing has happened today, I've known about her for 2 weeks tomorrow. But I'm planning a trip to San Antonio to meet my future daughter. And I'm overwhelmed. This is what other people do - right? Not insignificant little me. Yet the plane tickets have been bought and paid for. In 10 days time I will see a precious little girl who has stolen my heart. A little girl whose tiny body has been painfully effected by her mothers use of illegal drugs whic resulted in her being born addicted to them.
I feel bitterly sick at my love and excitement over having her because it seems like I should wish she had never been born rather than to be born as she was. Yet, I can't find it in me to wish she weren't born. To wish she'd not exist rather than go through this. I hate that she's got so much to fight against from her very first moment on this earth - but all I can think is how wonderful, how beautiful, how lovely.
And I haven't even seen her yet.
When people talk about children like this - born to addicted parents who have no capability to take care of them, they usually say that the parents should have their tubes tied. I know because I've said it myself. Some incapable mom shouldn't be allowed to have 6 different kids by 6 different dads and have them all raised by grandma and strangers assigned by the State of Texas.
Even as I say it now, and understand the logic of it - I can't bring myself to mean it for New Kid. Her miraculous existance isn't a mistake. Man did their part, but God - God Himself created. And it is lovely, and good, and pure, and potentially amazing. I am joyful at her existance. Overwhelmed that she is now Gods gift to me.
My most earnest prayer is that her biological mother will one day, miraculously be touched by the mighty hand of God and be delivered from the devils that torment her and the addiction that binds her, and see life glorious and eternal. I hope to one day raise up my children and show them to her as Gods ability to bring light and joy into the darkest and bleakest of situations.
But meanwhile, I sit here in Colorado - a thousand miles away from a child I'm certain will become my very own. I'm in awe that this is my life. I'm thankful.