Wednesday, February 23, 2011

S to the T to the R to the ESS.

As you can see I haven't started back up again. I AM still going through the Bible, but the new job I got shifted over to is profoundly stressful. I went from "do a good job" on a larger team to a 4 person team and "It's a new HUGE contract, don't make us lose it." Added to that is the expectation of 99% monetary accuracy. Which isn't just about not making mistakes, but making 99% perfect decisions and being able to back them up enough so that hopefully the contract liason auditing my work will make the same decisions.

I tried to get started again, have even listened to 2nd Kings but by the time I finally got home for the day stress and a LOT of numbers had completely blotted out the blog post in my head.

Just thought you'd like to know what you're waiting on. :)

God is good.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

1 Kings - I have left me.

Sometimes I feel absolutely alone.
I feel like I just don't think, act, respond, or understand things like other people do.
It's what makes life difficult, work difficult, and most especially it makes church difficult. Because church is my one huge connection to a world that I want to be a part of.

And yet they all seem to school together like a bunch of well trained fish, while I Nemo myself away from the pack.

I assume that "they" are all right, because that's the whole point of having multiple opinions, is that it helps you get to the right one. Whereas, one opinion all by itself has nothing else to go on. No iron to sharpen it's iron per se.

Despite how wrong some of the above ideas and feelings might be, they are the number one reason why today, when I listened to 1 Kings that, while a lot of it stood out as really interesting, the one thing that really hit me was the number 7000.

You see, when Elijah is standing along at the entrance to his cave and was complaining about how much he loved God and served him and no one else seemed to care, and that what they did seem to care about was finding him and killing him. God said "Yet I have left Me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him."

God has me numbered. I'm numbered into a group to which I'll one day actually fit in to. Elijah didn't see his group. All he knew was that he felt alone. He knew he felt desperate because Jezebel was trying to kill him. He knew his situation was - not - good.

But the gentleness of God in these verses make me love the Lord all the more, and give me hope that He really still loves me despite my inability to fit into a crowd.

So watch what God does:

He feeds Elijah.
Elijah quite literally runs for his life. Jezebel says "I'm going to kill you" and Elijah takes off running. He goes a days journey If you google it, the general idea is that he walked 20-25 miles. And finally:
"But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again." 1 Kings 19:2-6
So Elijah slept, got woke up to eat, and slept again.
What does God do?

He feeds Elijah again.
And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, "Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee". And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. 1 Kings 19:7,8

Then, once Elijah has made it where he's going:

He lets him vent.
And he came thither unto a cave, and lodged there; and, behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said unto him, What doest thou here, Elijah? And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. 1 Kings 19:9,10
You know God knew what Elijah was doing there. God knew he was running for his life. The Almighty wasn't unaware of Jezebel's threat. But he asks Elijah; giving him the opportunity to say what he needs to say.

He shows him that He is powerful enough.
And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. 1 Kings 19:11,12

He gives him a chance to change his words.
And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah? And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: because the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. 1 Kings 19:13,14
I don't get it. I know I don't. I wish I understood the full magnitude of why God asks Elijah a second time, but I don't. But here's what it means to me. Elijah was serious and 100% dead on about what his problem was. If you ask me twice what my problem is, rarely will I give you the exact same answer. Sometimes, I might give you so completely different an answer it doesn't make sense how I jumped from one problem to another. But I believe Elijah knew his problem to his very core. I believe he was absolutely upset that his heart was so jealous for God yet the precious children of Israel had so utterly forsaken Him, and he now felt utterly alone and his life was in jeopardy.
I'm glad God asked a second time.

He gives Elijah a comforter.
And the LORD said unto him, Go, return on thy way to the wilderness of Damascus: and when thou comest, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria: And Jehu the son of Nimshi shalt thou anoint to be king over Israel: and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abelmeholah shalt thou anoint to be prophet in thy room. And it shall come to pass, that him that escapeth the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay: and him that escapeth from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay.
Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him.
So he departed thence, and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, who was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen before him, and he with the twelfth: and Elijah passed by him, and cast his mantle upon him. And he left the oxen, and ran after Elijah, and said, Let me, I pray thee, kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow thee. And he said unto him, Go back again: for what have I done to thee? And he returned back from him, and took a yoke of oxen, and slew them, and boiled their flesh with the instruments of the oxen, and gave unto the people, and they did eat. Then he arose, and went after Elijah, and ministered unto him.
1 Kings 19:15-21
Elijah needed an Elisha.
Sometimes we might need an Elisha.
Sometimes we need to be an Elisha for someone else.

One last impression God leaves us with in these verses, besides the sweetness of Elisha's sudden yet complete devotion.

God is in control.
It doesn't seem like it when the situation is awful, but did you notice Gods wording? "Yet I have left Me seven thousand."
It's not, "I've got seven thousand left." or "They have left me". No. Despite how bad the situation, despite how God-less the situation seems to feel - God is still in control. When the prophets were being slaughtered - God was in control and they didn't kill one more than what He was ok with.

It doesn't sound so pleasant for the prophets that were killed that God was willing to lose them, or count them as "spares" that could be lost - in the game of chess, there are pawns for a reason - but when death means Heaven, it's only something that the people left behind would complain about (aka Elijah) rather than the prophets themselves.
When we run for our lives - sometimes that just looks like moving, and job hunting, and foreclosure, and divorce, and dropping out of school - and tell God "I'm the only one of my kind" ... that's a good time to remember who is in control.

I think I really like this chapter.

13 was really interesting too.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

And now for a word from our sponsors.

So.... I realize that some things in my life might have changed and I haven't mentioned them all on here - because I expect you to have facebooked me. Seriously people, get with it!
But, one change that happened in the last year is that I now work for a company that contracts with mortgage companies to process their foreclosure claims.

My job, to explain it as simply as I can, is to make sure that HUD or Fannie Mae pays our client (the mortgage company) the money the company is out due to foreclosure. Attorney costs, property preservation costs, taxes, utilities, and the principle balance and interest. So it's mostly sitting at a computer crunching numbers and following guidelines about how much can be paid for whatever and if they did it in the right time frame or not.

I'd give you an example of the guidelines but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. :) I think you catch my drift. It's government type rules. That should explain everything.

But while we're doing those claims we're able to listen to music or whatever through earphones. So I've been listening to the books of the Bible each day while I'm at work because well, it's good multitasking.

But I've been switched to another claim type as of tomorrow and so the next couple of days will be spent training. Today was spent in training as well (ironically enough, thanks to great planning it was for the claim type that I'm currently working on). So the Bible posts are cut short this week. They will resume next week hopefully unless the training process causes for more interruption.

Monday, February 07, 2011

2 Samuel - Let me see His face.

The full story I am about to tell is located within 2 beautiful chapters of 2 Samuel.
2 Samuel 13 & 14

It's a very detailed story, so much like the Harry Potter books, two small chapters will be even more abridged for the sake of time. Read the chapters though for the full amazing picture written into those pages.

Ammon is the son of David. Absalom is the son of David. Tamar is the sister of Absalom.
Ammon loved Tamar and tried to get her to “lie with him” but she refused saying that all he needed to do was to go to the king, David, and David would give her to him so it would be done honorably. But Ammon refused and since he was stronger than her, he “forced” her.

Absalom sees Tamar's grief and is very angry about this and plots to kill Ammon and succeeds. But, fearing his fathers anger, he runs away to another country and stays gone for 3 years. David, a father that throughout the book of 2nd Samuel displays a powerful love for his children and his heart appears to be hurting concerning Absalom’s banishment.

2 Samuel 14:1 Now Joab the son of Zeruiah perceived that the king's heart was toward Absalom.

Joab pulls some trickery to get David to agree to let Absalom return to the city and David agrees under this one stipulation:

2 Samuel 14:24 And the king said, Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face. So Absalom returned to his own house, and saw not the king's face.

2 Samuel 14:28-33 So Absalom dwelt two full years in Jerusalem, and saw not the king's face. Therefore Absalom sent for Joab, to have sent him to the king; but he would not come to him: and when he sent again the second time, he would not come. Therefore he said unto his servants, See, Joab's field is near mine, and he hath barley there; go and set it on fire. And Absalom's servants set the field on fire.

Then Joab arose, and came to Absalom unto his house, and said unto him, Wherefore have thy servants set my field on fire? And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent unto thee, saying, Come hither, that I may send thee to the king, to say, Wherefore am I come from Geshur? it had been good for me to have been there still: now therefore let me see the king's face; and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me. So Joab came to the king, and told him: and when he had called for Absalom, he came to the king, and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king: and the king kissed Absalom.

I’ve seen it in other places that I don’t really have time to mark out; that desire to see someones face. Absaloms ultimate punishment was a severed relationship with his father. “Let him not see my face.”

It seems like such a small punishment for murder; even a justified murder. But that was the punishment. And it was too great for Absalom to bear. “It would have been good for me to still be in Geshur”. “If there be any iniquity in me let him kill me.” He was willing to die rather than to continue on outside the inner circle of David’s life.

There have been a few times in my life where it truly felt as though God were lost to me; that my words wouldn’t reach Him. How great a thing it is to be in the presence of the Lord. To seek His face, and to seek to know Him. I do not ever want to lose my access to the face of God. Oh, I don’t have full access now – my body and mind are too foolish and weak to truly experience His full presence. Even a part of it though, the tastes that I have had – they are beyond compare.

Let me see His face.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

1 Samuel - Tell me what God doesn't do.

As I began may way into 1 Samuel, I thought for sure that I would write about how Samuel let none of his words fall to the ground.

And Samuel grew, and the LORD was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground. 1 Samuel 3:19

But then I hit chapter 28 and, though I'd heard this story before I couldn't not post about this story.

And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled. And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets. Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.

And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee. And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing. Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel. And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul. And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself. And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.

Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy? And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David: Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day. Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.

Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night.
1 Samuel 28:5-20

I almost feel like I shouldn’t say anything except what I titled this post as. TELL ME what God doesn’t do. If you’ve read the Bible at all you’ve read about Him telling people to do some pretty crazy things (kill your son, or marry a prostitute for examples) and in this one, it’s not a matter of God telling Saul to do this but just a matter of something that is possible that even believers that love God and believe He can do the impossible would never believe this story if someone else outside of the Bible itself told us that it happened.

So if you read this story, just tell me, tell me what God doesn’t do.

The Pastors Cat

Tired of everything being so serious around here??

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Ruth - Following something stronger than your heart. - Part 2

A second thing that I couldn't help but hear a difference in was the wording used on something. And maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I couldn't help but wonder about it some.

Boaz says: "Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: " Verse 8

Ruth tells Naomi about what Boaz says: "He said unto me also, Thou shalt keep fast by my young men, until they have ended all my harvest. " Verse 21

Naomi responds to Ruth: "It is good, my daughter, that thou go out with his maidens, that they meet thee not in any other field. " Verse 22

Verse 23 says "So she kept fast by the maidens of Boaz to glean unto the end of barley harvest and of wheat harvest; and dwelt with her mother in law."

I would have left it alone, but something Boaz said later caught my attention:
Chapter 3:10 "And he (Boaz) said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich."

It made me wonder about wonderful, virtuous little Ruth as to whether or not she was kinda hoping for someone else besides Boaz. If your husband says "I'm glad you didn't follow young men" I'm guessing he's not so young himself. So, curiously enough, I wonder if Boaz wasn't her first choice. Maybe the strong laborers in his field had caught her wandering mind and said with a smile "they'll certainly do" and wanted to "keep fast by the young men".

Our choices and our own hearts lead us towards beautiful and interesting things at times. Our hearts and desires can be intense sometimes. And it seems like the entire world is telling you to "follow your heart". But sometimes there is something stonger and more secure than following our own hearts and passions. There are noble causes that say give up your life rather than follow your passions.
In this case despite her words and possible desire to 'keep fast after the young men" she did exactly as she was instructed and "kept fast to the maidens".

And Boaz was grateful.

And Naomi was honored.

And Ruth stepped gracefully and with strength of character into the very blood lines of Jesus the Messiah

Ruth - Why me? - Part 1

Ahhhhh Ruth.

My first sweet, easy little book. 4 chapters. To make up for the fact that it was only 4 chapters I listened to it several times. And I got quite a bit from it. I don’t want to belabor every single point so I’m going to really hit on one point and then just touch on the other piece.

The very first thing that really jumped out at me as the chapters rolled by so quickly was something that Ruth says to Boaz – simply put she asks “Why are you being so kind to me?”

Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger?

And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.

Then she said, Let me find favour in thy sight, my lord; for that thou hast comforted me, and for that thou hast spoken friendly unto thine handmaid, though I be not like unto one of thine handmaidens.
Ruth 2:10-13

From this book, Christ is often compared with Boaz in that as Boaz was Ruth’s kinsman redeemer – Christ is ours. With that symbolism already in place I can’t help but exchange places with Ruth and look at Boaz as the Christ.

“Why have I found grace in your eyes?”
“Because it was clearly told to me all that you have done for your mother-in-law since your husband died, and how you left your mother and father and your homeland and came to a people that you did not know. The LORD will reward your work and a full reward will be given you of Him under whose wings you have come to trust.” (Just clarifying his language in my own mind.)

Sometimes, when I do something that seems to separate me from others, say, oh.. I don’t know… like moving away from my friends and family to San Antonio, I become a stranger. Every where I go in this town I am a stranger. No one knows me. Few people even at the church I attend know me. A year and a half later, I am still a stranger. But God has shown me great great mercy here; because no matter where I went, I wasn’t a stranger to God.

It’s too easy to think that God doesn’t see or hear us when we’re alone and feeling over our heads. And Ruth agrees because she isn’t expecting any form of kindness for Boaz so when he becomes an extravagant benefactor for her, she can’t help but say “Why me?”

And to paraphrase his response even more and put it in the context of the Christ who is our own extravagant benefactor: “Because I know how you’ve sacrificed.”

Such sweet words form my Savior. Because in a world where you think no one really knows you, or understands (if you asked any US citizen “Do you feel understood and as though other people really know you” I bet at least 90%, (possibly higher) would say “No”. Sheesh, I bet 100% of teens would say that. We all want to be known, to be understood, to have someone “get” our pain and confusion, doubt and hopes and joys. But here comes Boaz, in this land where she doesn’t know anyone, and he says “because I know what you did was hard.”

I can imagine it. Because I know if a year ago someone here in this strange land of San Antonio had just bought me a sack of groceries and said “I know moving here was hard.” I probably would have bawled like a baby.

It means a lot to have someone know you.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Judges - Who delievered you into their hand?

In the book of Judges it wasn’t what was said as much as what wasn’t said. I’ve listened to story after story after story of people being delivered into Israels’ hands. Over and over again, God tells them to fight for He will deliver them into your hands. So when I got to the story of Samson some of the wording really struck me.

As just a little bit of background:

Once upon a time there was a man named Samson. He had supernatural strength given to him directly from God Himself. No one could defeat him. Samson has his Delilah, and she asks him for the secret to his strength. He gives her a fake answer. “If I’m bound with 7 green withs which haven’t been dried” – so when he falls asleep, she does just that. She then wakes him up to the call that his enemy is upon him and he stands up breaking the withs like they were nothing.
She gets mad at him and asks him again. Another fake answer – ‘If I’m bound with new ropes that have never been used, I’ll be just like any other man". Again he falls asleep for the night and she binds him again per his words. But when she wakes him with the cry that his enemies are upon him - again, he stands up and breaks the ropes off him with no problem.
Finally, she's asking him again and she's really pulling out all the stops and here is how the Bible tells the story:

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.

And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand. And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him. And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the LORD was departed from him.

But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.
Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again after he was shaven.
Then the lords of the Philistines gathered them together for to offer a great sacrifice unto Dagon their god, and to rejoice: for they said, Our god hath delivered Samson our enemy into our hand.
1 Judges 16:16-23

3 things in just those few verses really struck me.

1) "He told her all his heart". I love the phrasing of the King James version here just because it’s so personal. It doesn’t say he told her the secret of his strength – she was saying “How can you say you love me if you don’t tell me?” (earlier verses give that wording). Finally he is “vexed unto death” so he shows her his whole heart. He gave her everything she wanted to know of him. Even knowing what kind of woman she was.

2) "Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again". There is something amazingly humiliating in the verses above: his enemies capture him, his wife has cut his hair stealing his strength, they’ve jabbed his eyeballs out and blinded him, bound him, and now he’s in prison grinding…


Howbeit his hair began to grow again.

3) “Our god has delivered Samson our enemy into our hand.” But the Bible doesn’t say that God (capital G) delivered him, anywhere either. There is no mention where God tells anyone “I will deliver Samson into the hand of the Philistines” No prophets or seers come out of the woodwork to tell the Philistines that Samson has been delivered unto them. Or to tell Samson that he will be delivered unto them. I know their god isn’t real, and I know my God didn’t say it. Which leaves me one other avenue to take: Samson delivered himself into their hands.

Something about that is just intensely powerful to me because, well, I like to blame God for everything. I’ll give Him credit for a lot as well (everything I hope) but I’ll throw the blame at His feet nearly every time something bad crops up. But it made me wonder, so strongly, how many times have I delivered myself into someones hands?

Granted, I know God has delivered me into a few situations that were meant to mold me, burn off excess dross that needed to be purged. But too often I’ve found myself in a situation where, I trusted in someone I shouldn’t have. I gave my heart, where I should have held back the deepest secrets of it, or I relied on a friend with more trust than what they had earned. I shared my weakness. And in that, I delivered myself up to something that didn’t have to enter my life.

It’s left me in places where I felt cold, broken, alone and away from God. It’s left me standing up expecting to walk in God just like normal only to find myself without strength. Weak. Barely able to fight my enemy. It gives me a season of defeat.


There is always that chance to start again. A time for weeping and mourning doesn’t have to last forever.
So if you ever see me looking weak and bald – know this – the hair on my head begins to grow even now.