Constantly for the last 7 days I haven't been able to wrap my mind around any other concept except that life was unfair I was obviously on the low end of God's totem pole. I'd blogged about it earlier in the week and found my own post so unfair that I couldn't post it. Finally I had a post that was utterly sincere in my angst, and focused the problem on exactly where the problem was. Though my complaints could turn my attention elsewhere, I've known deep down that I was that the root of my problem. No one else.
But, to explain the title of this post, "God is strange" -
Halfway through my evening last night I realized that the angst was gone. I don't know when it left, it was certainly still there yesterday morning! But it was gone. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall, I'm expecting regret and shame at the selfishness of my last post to take the place of the beaten down feeling of before. It hasn't happened yet. My focus is on the 'yet' part of that sentence.
The reading program I'm in took me to the next chapters in Isaiah, and while I don't feel He's doing these things for ME specifically, for some reason they brought me comfort.
So listen to this from Isaiah 50:
2 When I came, why was there no one? When I called, why was there no one to answer? Was my arm too short to ransom you? Do I lack the strength to rescue you? By a mere rebuke I dry up the sea, I turn rivers into a desert; their fish rot for lack of water and die of thirst. 3 I clothe the sky with darkness and make sackcloth its covering."
But here's the part that caught my attention
4 The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
I call your attention to the word "sustained". If you click on the link in the word, you'll see the definition of the word. It's nothing great and powerful, but it supports you, gives you relief. And that's exactly how I feel. I'm no longer attempting to go through the day feeling punished and overlooked.
I don't understand God, and I certainly don't get whatever it is He's trying to teach me. Maybe He's making me miserable here on earth so my reward in heaven might be all the greater......... It's a positive spin, but probably not the right way to look at it I suppose. Isn't it ironic that all of this happened shortly after I posted how I'd like to be more like my nephew and loving God more than I despise my circumstances? Some idyllic lessons just don't stick I suppose.
I'm learning. And here's a small tidbit of hope.
8 This is what the LORD says: "In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances,
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A time of trial is just that. Time - Trial. How long, only God knows. As for the lesson . . . . you may not know what this was for untill you are on the other side of it. I recall a time when I went through what I thought were the trials would not stop and each seemed more difficult that the last. one very difficult trail was a church split. It was in the midst of the church split that I knew without a doubt that the previous trials had prepared my prayer life and my resolve to be able to be of use to God and the church. Little did I know at the time that the bond and learning there prepared me for the loss of my first grandchild through abortion. It gave me the strength to not turn my back on my daughter and loose both her and the grandchild.
What I guess I am trying to say here is for you to not focus on the hardship of the trial period, but on being open to what it has to bring to you. Being thankful that God takes the time to refine and prepare you. While it won't make the difficulties go away, it will allow you the opportunity to become what God needs you to be.
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