Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Isaiah 58

In my reading program I was led to Isaiah 58. I'm going to post the whole chapter so you can see what I saw. I've made the decision to cling to this chapter, hoping against hope that God really does mean this chapter to apply to me as well, should I meet the conditions stated in the chapter.
My problem isn't in believing in a loving God, it's believing in a loving God that could love me. I know how hard and difficult I am. And even though I know better than to believe what I feel, it seems like Christ would have died for any one of the millions on earth except me.
I feel like a poison inflicted on the world that is simply working off penance by doing anything and everything someone requires of me.
Tell me how I came this far so quickly?
OneSided in his comments mentioned the refiners fire. And at times I've often felt His refining hand chipping away at me. But at this point, I feel like it's beyond honest for me to say He's refining me, because it honestly feels like He's not even looking this way. What have I done to make Him despise me so? What have I not done? Will I live out the years of my life forever exhausting myself for someone else's comfort? Will I never see my dreams? It feels like God is taking my desires and dreams from me and giving them to others. At times I wish what little He did glance my way would cease so that I might be left to some type of peace.
Yet even as I say that, I also say 'how can I say that'?
I'm confused, and hurt, discouraged and so very tired God. Forgive me, but somehow show me something that shows You aren't against me. Because it surely feels as though you are.

1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion and to the house of Jacob their sins.
2 For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them.
3 'Why have we fasted,' they say, 'and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?' "Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers.
4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high.
5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD ?
6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness [
a] will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
14 then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." The mouth of the LORD has spoken.


One Sided said...

Jesus came because God knew we were no good at keeping rules and if we happened to be good at keeping the rules we spent so much time seeing that they were followed in action that our heart was some place else.

You have something troubling you that is not clear in your postings. There is a hunger or a pain that fully unsettles you. You are looking to be worth of GOd's love, when we are not.
David was a favored child of God well loved, yet he committed adultry and murder. Look at Paul of all the people who could ahve been unlovable. And yet there was no amount of atonement required, no pentance.

"Will I live out the years of my life forever exhausting myself for someone else's comfort?" So much pain in these words. Can you share?

God looks at us through Jesus, it is that view of us and only that view of us that is without sin. and God is a loving Father who will not give his child a stone when they ask to be fed.

flyawaynet said...

I know I'm not worth God's love, none of us are, that's what makes His love so unmatched compared to any other love on earth. It just seems He's gotten so busy loving everyone else on earth, sometimes through me, that He's forgotten me.

As for the pain in my words, truthfully I'm mostly just discouraged. It's one thing to think there is no God, and a totally different one to think He's actively working against you.

Anonymous said...

I must say, God lives through us. His light shines through us. He hasn't forgotten you!!

What did Jesus say on the cross? He said, "MY God my God, why have you forsaken me?" He didn't say, "Wait just a minute buddy, I'll come off this cross and I'll.... "

No, he looked at those THIEVES who deserved to be there and STILL DID GOD'S WORK. Even when He was in great pain and agony (but physically and emotionally)

God bless you, I Hope you come to terms w/ your pain and agony.