I honestly am starting to feel like a stepping stone. Though truthfully I remind myself that God surely does love me, and has a plan that I don't understand, I still feel like a stepping stone. God is using my hard work to bless others. I work hard to get out of debt, but God sends my money to do something else (besides get me out of debt).
I've spent the last week teetering back and forth between assuming the role of the Prodigal sons brother and Martha of the Mary and Martha combo. I feel like a slave to a Savior that seems intent on blessing everyone else and just wearing me out. And worst of all, as I get angry, people all around me start praying that nothing will destroy the work I'm angry about. It just doesn't seem fair, and worse than that, it leaves me feeling entirely beaten down.
In the Bible Reading Program we're reading from Isaiah, and one of today's chapters was Isaiah 45. And surprise surprise, here's what God planned for me to read today.
Isaiah 45:9 "Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' Does your work say, 'He has no hands'? 10 Woe to him who says to his father, 'What have you begotten?' or to his mother, 'What have you brought to birth?' 11 "This is what the LORD says— the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker:Concerning things to come, do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands? 12 It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it. My own hands stretched out the heavens; I marshaled their starry hosts.
I've always had an issue with the stories like the prodigal son, where they have the huge party for the (in my mind) stupid son, or when the shepherd leaves 99 "precious" sheep to go looking for 1. To me, it seems like you could come back with your 1 sheep, and find that 58 of your other sheep have wandered off and killed themselves. Stories of how Christ goes of searching for the wayward do not inspire the do-gooders in the world. I say that, because of my Martha trait. Work and work and work, make sure everything is just right, while someone else is off reading the bible. Yet who did Christ favor in the story? Mary.
I'm frustrated, and I feel entirely alone as Christ wanders off to help others, maybe even those he described in Isaiah 45:4 For the sake of Jacob my servant, of Israel my chosen, I summon you by name and bestow on you a title of honor, though you do not acknowledge me.
I know what I'm thinking isn't right, or good, or noble, and it's certainly not right for me to be angry with God. I'm just tired, and feel really used by people, and when I get upset at people, other people start praying *seemingly* against me and my anger, which then makes me really tired and feeling used by God. And I don't mean "used by God" in a good way. Mentally, I understand salvation means living with Christ for eternity, and not separated from Him off in a lake of fire where the worm never dies. Saved from unending torment. You'd think I'd be grateful for that wouldn't you. So would I.
I post this, for no other reason but that you will see both sides of me. The first side that trusts wholeheartedly and joyfully, along with the second side that questions God almost constantly. I can't give you the answers when I don't have them myself. But know this, more than anything, even when I feel abused and used and worn out, I would rather God abuse, use, and wear me out for a lifetime than to try and make it one day on my own.
Isaiah 46:8 "Remember this, fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels. 9 Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. 10 I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.