Life is best written one page at a time

Someone recently asked me if I'd be interested in doing something, and quite honestly, the only reason I answered in the negative was fear. It's hard to make changes, to not know where the road will lead, or what risks are involved. It's hard to give up what you know, for what's unknown.

It's all I've been able to think about since that discussion and today, I remembered a piece of advice I've been giving over and over again to a friend at work that just recently joined our little team (department). You see, most of the time when you open up a claim to begin processing it, it's maybe 60-80 pages long. But every once in awhile, you open up one that's around 200 pages. It doesn't just have regular attorney invoices, but it also has refunds and other claims that have already been filed, penalties and interest, utility bills to go through, and other oddball stuff that usually leaves you with a claim that doesn't balance for the 1st 3 hours.

 So, my friend Steph, has come across several of the more difficult ones and I continually tell her "One page at a time - don't think about the claim, just do it." I've watched a lot of people, myself included, see how rough a claim is going to be from the beginning and immediately something inside just shuts down. Something says "This is hard." And I boldly suggested to her that her claim wasn't hard, it just wasn't easy. And that there is a difference.
For example:
Losing 20 pounds in a month is hard.
Losing 5 pounds in a month is not easy.
Losing 1 pound in a month is easy.

Rather than think about the whole of the claim, I try and simply take it one page at a time. It still takes longer than an "easy" claim, but it's not impossible. So today, as I struggled with a "not easy" claim of my own I couldn't stop thinking about whether I'm looking at the offer with the same eyes that see 200 pages and shies away.

I don't want to live a life of fear of changing my happy little world. And believe me, my world is OH so happy. Because at the end of every successful claim my company is richer, and if I live my life the same way too, perhaps my life would be richer for all the difficult tasks I've taken on. I also don't want to change my life just to prove I'm not afraid.

Right now, I'm picturing the offer as a whole, where it leads, and whether I like the potential outcomes or am afraid of the potential outcomes. But I can't help but wonder if I shouldn't just take it one day, one page, at a time. Let the story be written as it's written.

If any of you wonderful friends have great advice on how to make decisions (besides the #1 "Oh God, what on earth should I do?) I'd love to hear it.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

Runonsentencesthatneverstopandbloggernotbeingawakeat430inthemorningwhenIdecidedtopost

For those of you that saw this "book to read" post earlier this morning, I'd just like to say - I really do understand the concepts of spacing and paragraphs. For some reason Blogger just decided to edit them right out of my html. I gave it the evil eye and then html'ed them right back in.

I have a new book to read.

For those of you that watch me on facebook, I should tell you that it's not the book you think. For my blog readers, I'll just quickly tell you the good news a publishing company has contacted me about doing a review of one of their books. They're also offering to send extras for me to give away in a contest for you guys. I'm thrilled! And looking forward to talking with them next week.

But that's not the book I'm talking about here.

One of my favorite bloggers (C Jane Enjoy It) had a guest post this morning and the guest posted a quote: "Then the heart of Eowyn changed, or else at last she understood it. And suddenly her winter passed, and the sun shone on her. “I stand in Minas Anor, the Tower of the Sun,” she said; “and behold! The Shadow has departed! I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.”

It's a quote from J.R.R. Tolkians "The Lord of The Rings". It's a series I've never had any interest in before. I watched one of the movies then got so upset at it's "To be continued" style ending that I refused to watch the rest. I've heard that Tolkian was friends with C.S. Lewis and that there is supposed to be a lot of symbolism much like the Narnian books but, from what little I knew about the series, I couldn't see the symbolism being like Narnia at all. But this quote alone changed my mind. "Then her heart was changed, or else at last she understood. And suddenly her winter passed and the sun shone upon her."

I've seen that incredible moment in my own life, and I've got some folks right now that I would love to see that moment happen for them. I serve a great BIG God who would love to see that as well, but we're just too shadowed to at last understand.

The most interesting words that the creator pens immediately after this breakthrough really catch my eye though: "I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren."

Eowyn knew what she needed to be.

This breakthrough of understanding didn't leave her wondering "what next?", she had a new path to follow. I'm NOT THIS anymore but I WILL BE that. I think too often we get into our minds and we decide what we don't like about ourselves and we decide I won't be this anymore. But never replace that thought with what we will be.

I think that's why we fail far more often than we succeed.

I haven't read the books yet. I will though, that's my very next step. I want to see if Eowyn succeeds. I want to see what becomes of her. I want to watch her journey. But most of all I wanted to write to ask this question - if not of you, then of myself - am I busy being what I will be? Or am I busy trying to not be what I won't be?

Hi

It's been a little bit friends.... not that long, but too long. I miss writing. I've written a few posts in my head but there is never any time to sit at the computer and organize it in my head and get it all typed out exactly as I like it. 2 weeks ago I had a great one... Can't remember what it was though. :)

In all of this though, I wish, sincerely wish, that I could express to you the depths of my joy. I'm tired, a little overwhelmed trying to juggle loads of overtime at work, working a little part time gig for myself, and maintaining things like groceries in the house and laundry, and in all of that in the last few weeks there has rarely been even a moment when I didn't want to just cry or shout because the joy is just so intense. God is so good. And the best part is that I don't say that God is good because I have joy, but that I have joy because God is good. And it is VERY intense.

I've been considering so many things in the last weeks, the main one being that I'm not the person that I was. It seems like when I first started this blog that I had so much to say.... but now just a few years later it feels like so many of these things are so intense that I cannot find words for them. 5 years ago I said I loved God. Now, when I say that I love the Lord I want to weep for those small words just can't convey what I mean. I love the Lord. Even now, just writing this silly thing tears are falling as I wish I could just write down what knowing Christ has meant.

*sigh*

...The reason I write today is just to say that I'm still here. This blog is still incredibly important to me as an outlet and that I'm still going to finish blogging through the books of the Bible that I started. There may be a few smaller, regularly blog type posts before it gets up but I'm working on finding some balance but at least for the next couple of weeks work is so intense that it won't be "balanced" with anything. I'm ok with that. It'll get there.

And during these times when the blog falls quiet and nothing seems to be happening I just want to touch base and let you know that I really appreciate all of you that have followed me on blogger, put me into your google reader, or just check back every so often to see if anything new has come up. I appreciate you.

I'll be back!

30

I've posted every year on my birthday, so I had to break my silence to write down my thoughts of today.

I turned 30 years old today.

It seems like an important number, but to me it's not any more so than the others. A year has gone. I always have to ask myself "What did I do with it?" and my answer always seems to feel a little negative because the answer is always simply " I wish I had done more with it."

The church I've been attending has a little communion service just before the new year and the past two years I've been wise enough to attend. This most recent one, I was really struggling because right after I left the communion service I was heading North to help my dad put my mother into a nursing home. I was praying my mother would see death before she found herself this far gone. So sitting there, in the darkened church praying, I was supposed to go up to the front when I was done and take communion with the pastor.

Instead, I went to the front to say goodnight and that I wouldn't be taking communion that evening but, thank you very much. The pastor, who'd been praying with everyone before they left asked if I wanted to at least pray with him so I agreed.
He prayed a blessing on me, my house, my job, my finances, my family.
And I remember walking away feeling strange, like something was wrong.
It wasn't till I got to my car that I realized what was wrong - I didn't want the prayer that he'd prayed.

If you pray something for me, my hearts desire is that you would pray this - That I would BE a blessing.

God has so intensely blessed me. I'm not blessed with tons of money or stuff, or time, or whatever else - but I've got a peace that I can't explain as to how amazing and unnatural it is. I've got a joy that is so deep I sometimes want to scream and dance and jump up and down while doing something so ordinary as walking into a supermarket. I'm blessed.

And I don't want you to catch Gods ear and ask Him to bless me more. He's so good, I'm confident He'll bless me enough on His own.

What I do want a little extra of is the ability to BE a blessing.

I've worked hard the past two months trying to get out of debt, manage my money well, eat right and healthy, and work hard at work.
But even if I master all those things in the next year - all I will have done is gained the things that any good self-help book can give me.

I don't want a self-help book life.

I want a life that is a blessing.

S to the T to the R to the ESS.

As you can see I haven't started back up again. I AM still going through the Bible, but the new job I got shifted over to is profoundly stressful. I went from "do a good job" on a larger team to a 4 person team and "It's a new HUGE contract, don't make us lose it." Added to that is the expectation of 99% monetary accuracy. Which isn't just about not making mistakes, but making 99% perfect decisions and being able to back them up enough so that hopefully the contract liason auditing my work will make the same decisions.

I tried to get started again, have even listened to 2nd Kings but by the time I finally got home for the day stress and a LOT of numbers had completely blotted out the blog post in my head.

Just thought you'd like to know what you're waiting on. :)

God is good.

1 Kings - I have left me.

Sometimes I feel absolutely alone.
I feel like I just don't think, act, respond, or understand things like other people do.
It's what makes life difficult, work difficult, and most especially it makes church difficult. Because church is my one huge connection to a world that I want to be a part of.

And yet they all seem to school together like a bunch of well trained fish, while I Nemo myself away from the pack.

I assume that "they" are all right, because that's the whole point of having multiple opinions, is that it helps you get to the right one. Whereas, one opinion all by itself has nothing else to go on. No iron to sharpen it's iron per se.

Despite how wrong some of the above ideas and feelings might be, they are the number one reason why today, when I listened to 1 Kings that, while a lot of it stood out as really interesting, the one thing that really hit me was the number 7000.

You see, when Elijah is standing along at the entrance to his cave and was complaining about how much he loved God and served him and no one else seemed to care, and that what they did seem to care about was finding him and killing him. God said "Yet I have left Me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him."

God has me numbered. I'm numbered into a group to which I'll one day actually fit in to. Elijah didn't see his group. All he knew was that he felt alone. He knew he felt desperate because Jezebel was trying to kill him. He knew his situation was - not - good.

But the gentleness of God in these verses make me love the Lord all the more, and give me hope that He really still loves me despite my inability to fit into a crowd.

So watch what God does:

He feeds Elijah.
Elijah quite literally runs for his life. Jezebel says "I'm going to kill you" and Elijah takes off running. He goes a days journey If you google it, the general idea is that he walked 20-25 miles. And finally:
"But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again." 1 Kings 19:2-6
So Elijah slept, got woke up to eat, and slept again.
What does God do?

He feeds Elijah again.
And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, "Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee". And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. 1 Kings 19:7,8

Then, once Elijah has made it where he's going:

He lets him vent.
And he came thither unto a cave, and lodged there; and, behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said unto him, What doest thou here, Elijah? And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. 1 Kings 19:9,10
You know God knew what Elijah was doing there. God knew he was running for his life. The Almighty wasn't unaware of Jezebel's threat. But he asks Elijah; giving him the opportunity to say what he needs to say.

He shows him that He is powerful enough.
And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. 1 Kings 19:11,12

He gives him a chance to change his words.
And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah? And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: because the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. 1 Kings 19:13,14
I don't get it. I know I don't. I wish I understood the full magnitude of why God asks Elijah a second time, but I don't. But here's what it means to me. Elijah was serious and 100% dead on about what his problem was. If you ask me twice what my problem is, rarely will I give you the exact same answer. Sometimes, I might give you so completely different an answer it doesn't make sense how I jumped from one problem to another. But I believe Elijah knew his problem to his very core. I believe he was absolutely upset that his heart was so jealous for God yet the precious children of Israel had so utterly forsaken Him, and he now felt utterly alone and his life was in jeopardy.
I'm glad God asked a second time.

He gives Elijah a comforter.
And the LORD said unto him, Go, return on thy way to the wilderness of Damascus: and when thou comest, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria: And Jehu the son of Nimshi shalt thou anoint to be king over Israel: and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abelmeholah shalt thou anoint to be prophet in thy room. And it shall come to pass, that him that escapeth the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay: and him that escapeth from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay.
Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him.
So he departed thence, and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, who was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen before him, and he with the twelfth: and Elijah passed by him, and cast his mantle upon him. And he left the oxen, and ran after Elijah, and said, Let me, I pray thee, kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow thee. And he said unto him, Go back again: for what have I done to thee? And he returned back from him, and took a yoke of oxen, and slew them, and boiled their flesh with the instruments of the oxen, and gave unto the people, and they did eat. Then he arose, and went after Elijah, and ministered unto him. 1 Kings 19:15-21
Elijah needed an Elisha.
Sometimes we might need an Elisha.
Sometimes we need to be an Elisha for someone else.

One last impression God leaves us with in these verses, besides the sweetness of Elisha's sudden yet complete devotion.

God is in control.
It doesn't seem like it when the situation is awful, but did you notice Gods wording? "Yet I have left Me seven thousand."
It's not, "I've got seven thousand left." or "They have left me". No. Despite how bad the situation, despite how God-less the situation seems to feel - God is still in control. When the prophets were being slaughtered - God was in control and they didn't kill one more than what He was ok with.

It doesn't sound so pleasant for the prophets that were killed that God was willing to lose them, or count them as "spares" that could be lost - in the game of chess, there are pawns for a reason - but when death means Heaven, it's only something that the people left behind would complain about (aka Elijah) rather than the prophets themselves.
When we run for our lives - sometimes that just looks like moving, and job hunting, and foreclosure, and divorce, and dropping out of school - and tell God "I'm the only one of my kind" ... that's a good time to remember who is in control.

I think I really like this chapter.

13 was really interesting too.

And now for a word from our sponsors.

So.... I realize that some things in my life might have changed and I haven't mentioned them all on here - because I expect you to have facebooked me. Seriously people, get with it!
But, one change that happened in the last year is that I now work for a company that contracts with mortgage companies to process their foreclosure claims.

My job, to explain it as simply as I can, is to make sure that HUD or Fannie Mae pays our client (the mortgage company) the money the company is out due to foreclosure. Attorney costs, property preservation costs, taxes, utilities, and the principle balance and interest. So it's mostly sitting at a computer crunching numbers and following guidelines about how much can be paid for whatever and if they did it in the right time frame or not.

I'd give you an example of the guidelines but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. :) I think you catch my drift. It's government type rules. That should explain everything.

But while we're doing those claims we're able to listen to music or whatever through earphones. So I've been listening to the books of the Bible each day while I'm at work because well, it's good multitasking.

But I've been switched to another claim type as of tomorrow and so the next couple of days will be spent training. Today was spent in training as well (ironically enough, thanks to great planning it was for the claim type that I'm currently working on). So the Bible posts are cut short this week. They will resume next week hopefully unless the training process causes for more interruption.

2 Samuel - Let me see His face.

The full story I am about to tell is located within 2 beautiful chapters of 2 Samuel.
2 Samuel 13 & 14

It's a very detailed story, so much like the Harry Potter books, two small chapters will be even more abridged for the sake of time. Read the chapters though for the full amazing picture written into those pages.

Ammon is the son of David. Absalom is the son of David. Tamar is the sister of Absalom.
Ammon loved Tamar and tried to get her to “lie with him” but she refused saying that all he needed to do was to go to the king, David, and David would give her to him so it would be done honorably. But Ammon refused and since he was stronger than her, he “forced” her.

Absalom sees Tamar's grief and is very angry about this and plots to kill Ammon and succeeds. But, fearing his fathers anger, he runs away to another country and stays gone for 3 years. David, a father that throughout the book of 2nd Samuel displays a powerful love for his children and his heart appears to be hurting concerning Absalom’s banishment.

2 Samuel 14:1 Now Joab the son of Zeruiah perceived that the king's heart was toward Absalom.

Joab pulls some trickery to get David to agree to let Absalom return to the city and David agrees under this one stipulation:

2 Samuel 14:24 And the king said, Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face. So Absalom returned to his own house, and saw not the king's face.

2 Samuel 14:28-33 So Absalom dwelt two full years in Jerusalem, and saw not the king's face. Therefore Absalom sent for Joab, to have sent him to the king; but he would not come to him: and when he sent again the second time, he would not come. Therefore he said unto his servants, See, Joab's field is near mine, and he hath barley there; go and set it on fire. And Absalom's servants set the field on fire.

Then Joab arose, and came to Absalom unto his house, and said unto him, Wherefore have thy servants set my field on fire? And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent unto thee, saying, Come hither, that I may send thee to the king, to say, Wherefore am I come from Geshur? it had been good for me to have been there still: now therefore let me see the king's face; and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me. So Joab came to the king, and told him: and when he had called for Absalom, he came to the king, and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king: and the king kissed Absalom.

I’ve seen it in other places that I don’t really have time to mark out; that desire to see someones face. Absaloms ultimate punishment was a severed relationship with his father. “Let him not see my face.”

It seems like such a small punishment for murder; even a justified murder. But that was the punishment. And it was too great for Absalom to bear. “It would have been good for me to still be in Geshur”. “If there be any iniquity in me let him kill me.” He was willing to die rather than to continue on outside the inner circle of David’s life.

There have been a few times in my life where it truly felt as though God were lost to me; that my words wouldn’t reach Him. How great a thing it is to be in the presence of the Lord. To seek His face, and to seek to know Him. I do not ever want to lose my access to the face of God. Oh, I don’t have full access now – my body and mind are too foolish and weak to truly experience His full presence. Even a part of it though, the tastes that I have had – they are beyond compare.

Let me see His face.

1 Samuel - Tell me what God doesn't do.

As I began may way into 1 Samuel, I thought for sure that I would write about how Samuel let none of his words fall to the ground.

And Samuel grew, and the LORD was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground. 1 Samuel 3:19

But then I hit chapter 28 and, though I'd heard this story before I couldn't not post about this story.

And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled. And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets. Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.

And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee. And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing. Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel. And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul. And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself. And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.

Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy? And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David: Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day. Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.

Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night. 1 Samuel 28:5-20

I almost feel like I shouldn’t say anything except what I titled this post as. TELL ME what God doesn’t do. If you’ve read the Bible at all you’ve read about Him telling people to do some pretty crazy things (kill your son, or marry a prostitute for examples) and in this one, it’s not a matter of God telling Saul to do this but just a matter of something that is possible that even believers that love God and believe He can do the impossible would never believe this story if someone else outside of the Bible itself told us that it happened.

So if you read this story, just tell me, tell me what God doesn’t do.

The Pastors Cat

Tired of everything being so serious around here??

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Ruth - Following something stronger than your heart. - Part 2

A second thing that I couldn't help but hear a difference in was the wording used on something. And maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I couldn't help but wonder about it some.

Boaz says: "Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: " Verse 8

Ruth tells Naomi about what Boaz says: "He said unto me also, Thou shalt keep fast by my young men, until they have ended all my harvest. " Verse 21

Naomi responds to Ruth: "It is good, my daughter, that thou go out with his maidens, that they meet thee not in any other field. " Verse 22

Verse 23 says "So she kept fast by the maidens of Boaz to glean unto the end of barley harvest and of wheat harvest; and dwelt with her mother in law."

I would have left it alone, but something Boaz said later caught my attention:
Chapter 3:10 "And he (Boaz) said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich."

It made me wonder about wonderful, virtuous little Ruth as to whether or not she was kinda hoping for someone else besides Boaz. If your husband says "I'm glad you didn't follow young men" I'm guessing he's not so young himself. So, curiously enough, I wonder if Boaz wasn't her first choice. Maybe the strong laborers in his field had caught her wandering mind and said with a smile "they'll certainly do" and wanted to "keep fast by the young men".

Our choices and our own hearts lead us towards beautiful and interesting things at times. Our hearts and desires can be intense sometimes. And it seems like the entire world is telling you to "follow your heart". But sometimes there is something stonger and more secure than following our own hearts and passions. There are noble causes that say give up your life rather than follow your passions.
In this case despite her words and possible desire to 'keep fast after the young men" she did exactly as she was instructed and "kept fast to the maidens".

And Boaz was grateful.

And Naomi was honored.

And Ruth stepped gracefully and with strength of character into the very blood lines of Jesus the Messiah

Ruth - Why me? - Part 1

Ahhhhh Ruth.

My first sweet, easy little book. 4 chapters. To make up for the fact that it was only 4 chapters I listened to it several times. And I got quite a bit from it. I don’t want to belabor every single point so I’m going to really hit on one point and then just touch on the other piece.

The very first thing that really jumped out at me as the chapters rolled by so quickly was something that Ruth says to Boaz – simply put she asks “Why are you being so kind to me?”

Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger?

And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.

Then she said, Let me find favour in thy sight, my lord; for that thou hast comforted me, and for that thou hast spoken friendly unto thine handmaid, though I be not like unto one of thine handmaidens. Ruth 2:10-13

From this book, Christ is often compared with Boaz in that as Boaz was Ruth’s kinsman redeemer – Christ is ours. With that symbolism already in place I can’t help but exchange places with Ruth and look at Boaz as the Christ.

“Why have I found grace in your eyes?”
“Because it was clearly told to me all that you have done for your mother-in-law since your husband died, and how you left your mother and father and your homeland and came to a people that you did not know. The LORD will reward your work and a full reward will be given you of Him under whose wings you have come to trust.” (Just clarifying his language in my own mind.)

Sometimes, when I do something that seems to separate me from others, say, oh.. I don’t know… like moving away from my friends and family to San Antonio, I become a stranger. Every where I go in this town I am a stranger. No one knows me. Few people even at the church I attend know me. A year and a half later, I am still a stranger. But God has shown me great great mercy here; because no matter where I went, I wasn’t a stranger to God.

It’s too easy to think that God doesn’t see or hear us when we’re alone and feeling over our heads. And Ruth agrees because she isn’t expecting any form of kindness for Boaz so when he becomes an extravagant benefactor for her, she can’t help but say “Why me?”

And to paraphrase his response even more and put it in the context of the Christ who is our own extravagant benefactor: “Because I know how you’ve sacrificed.”

Such sweet words form my Savior. Because in a world where you think no one really knows you, or understands (if you asked any US citizen “Do you feel understood and as though other people really know you” I bet at least 90%, (possibly higher) would say “No”. Sheesh, I bet 100% of teens would say that. We all want to be known, to be understood, to have someone “get” our pain and confusion, doubt and hopes and joys. But here comes Boaz, in this land where she doesn’t know anyone, and he says “because I know what you did was hard.”

I can imagine it. Because I know if a year ago someone here in this strange land of San Antonio had just bought me a sack of groceries and said “I know moving here was hard.” I probably would have bawled like a baby.

It means a lot to have someone know you.

Judges - Who delievered you into their hand?

In the book of Judges it wasn’t what was said as much as what wasn’t said. I’ve listened to story after story after story of people being delivered into Israels’ hands. Over and over again, God tells them to fight for He will deliver them into your hands. So when I got to the story of Samson some of the wording really struck me.

As just a little bit of background:

Once upon a time there was a man named Samson. He had supernatural strength given to him directly from God Himself. No one could defeat him. Samson has his Delilah, and she asks him for the secret to his strength. He gives her a fake answer. “If I’m bound with 7 green withs which haven’t been dried” – so when he falls asleep, she does just that. She then wakes him up to the call that his enemy is upon him and he stands up breaking the withs like they were nothing.
She gets mad at him and asks him again. Another fake answer – ‘If I’m bound with new ropes that have never been used, I’ll be just like any other man". Again he falls asleep for the night and she binds him again per his words. But when she wakes him with the cry that his enemies are upon him - again, he stands up and breaks the ropes off him with no problem.
Finally, she's asking him again and she's really pulling out all the stops and here is how the Bible tells the story:

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.

And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand. And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him. And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the LORD was departed from him.

But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.
Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again after he was shaven.
Then the lords of the Philistines gathered them together for to offer a great sacrifice unto Dagon their god, and to rejoice: for they said, Our god hath delivered Samson our enemy into our hand. 1 Judges 16:16-23

3 things in just those few verses really struck me.

1) "He told her all his heart". I love the phrasing of the King James version here just because it’s so personal. It doesn’t say he told her the secret of his strength – she was saying “How can you say you love me if you don’t tell me?” (earlier verses give that wording). Finally he is “vexed unto death” so he shows her his whole heart. He gave her everything she wanted to know of him. Even knowing what kind of woman she was.

2) "Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again". There is something amazingly humiliating in the verses above: his enemies capture him, his wife has cut his hair stealing his strength, they’ve jabbed his eyeballs out and blinded him, bound him, and now he’s in prison grinding…

Howbeit.

Howbeit his hair began to grow again.

3) “Our god has delivered Samson our enemy into our hand.” But the Bible doesn’t say that God (capital G) delivered him, anywhere either. There is no mention where God tells anyone “I will deliver Samson into the hand of the Philistines” No prophets or seers come out of the woodwork to tell the Philistines that Samson has been delivered unto them. Or to tell Samson that he will be delivered unto them. I know their god isn’t real, and I know my God didn’t say it. Which leaves me one other avenue to take: Samson delivered himself into their hands.

Something about that is just intensely powerful to me because, well, I like to blame God for everything. I’ll give Him credit for a lot as well (everything I hope) but I’ll throw the blame at His feet nearly every time something bad crops up. But it made me wonder, so strongly, how many times have I delivered myself into someones hands?

Granted, I know God has delivered me into a few situations that were meant to mold me, burn off excess dross that needed to be purged. But too often I’ve found myself in a situation where, I trusted in someone I shouldn’t have. I gave my heart, where I should have held back the deepest secrets of it, or I relied on a friend with more trust than what they had earned. I shared my weakness. And in that, I delivered myself up to something that didn’t have to enter my life.

It’s left me in places where I felt cold, broken, alone and away from God. It’s left me standing up expecting to walk in God just like normal only to find myself without strength. Weak. Barely able to fight my enemy. It gives me a season of defeat.

Howbeit.

There is always that chance to start again. A time for weeping and mourning doesn’t have to last forever.
So if you ever see me looking weak and bald – know this – the hair on my head begins to grow even now.

Joshua - Man-made Decisions = Man-made consequences.

It’s one of the coolest stories in the Bible. Check this out:

And when the inhabitants of Gibeon heard what Joshua had done unto Jericho and to Ai, They did work wilily, and went and made as if they had been ambassadors, and took old sacks upon their asses, and wine bottles, old, and rent, and bound up; And old shoes and clouted upon their feet, and old garments upon them; and all the bread of their provision was dry and mouldy.

And they went to Joshua unto the camp at Gilgal, and said unto him, and to the men of Israel, We be come from a far country: now therefore make ye a league with us. And the men of Israel said unto the Hivites, Peradventure ye dwell among us; and how shall we make a league with you? And they said unto Joshua, We are thy servants. And Joshua said unto them, Who are ye? and from whence come ye?

And they said unto him, From a very far country thy servants are come because of the name of the LORD thy God: for we have heard the fame of him, and all that he did in Egypt, And all that he did to the two kings of the Amorites, that were beyond Jordan, to Sihon king of Heshbon, and to Og king of Bashan, which was at Ashtaroth. Wherefore our elders and all the inhabitants of our country spake to us, saying, Take victuals with you for the journey, and go to meet them, and say unto them, We are your servants: therefore now make ye a league with us. This our bread we took hot for our provision out of our houses on the day we came forth to go unto you; but now, behold, it is dry, and it is mouldy: And these bottles of wine, which we filled, were new; and, behold, they be rent: and these our garments and our shoes are become old by reason of the very long journey.

And the men took of their victuals, and asked not counsel at the mouth of the LORD.
And Joshua made peace with them, and made a league with them, to let them live: and the princes of the congregation sware unto them. Joshua 9:3-15

It’s interesting to watch your team get hoodwinked isn’t it?Part of me always thinks that the story should end shortly after their little speech about how old and worn out their stuff is with Joshua saying “Oh ye vile men! Why do ye think to deceive us?!”

But no, instead Joshua makes peace with them and swears oaths to not kill them.

To me this story is a plumb line to get me lined right back up with the credit I give out to certain people. Joshua… he was just a man. The things, the amazing things he did, were all done by the Lord through him. That important verse that says they “asked not counsel at the mouth of the LORD” tells me Joshua made a decision on his own. And when you have man-made decisions you get man-made consequences.

There are a lot of stories about leaders that have fallen, singers that lied about diseases, lust and greed over-riding pastors and evangelists good senses. But there are a lot of those same stories in the Bible. Anyone that would disagree with that obviously hasn’t read anything about King David. And I think perhaps we just make them out to be so much more than what they are for the exact same -and wrong- reason.

You see, it kills me that Joshua made a mistake – but not for the right reason. Once again – just like I complained about in the Trouble with Narnia – I want Joshua to be the main character. I want Joshua to be the hero, and be perfect, and wise and smart and good. But the story (even though the book bears his name) isn’t about him. It’s still about the LORD. He failed to inquire of the Lord. Joshua is just a man. And he forgot himself, just for a moment, and made a man-made decision.

I’ve made decisions in my life that turned out to have man-made consequences. They aren’t all horrible decisions that ended up with me broke or jobless or anything like that. They just weren’t decisions that would have been made had I taken time to seek counsel at the mouth of the Lord. They fail to bring out the fullness of His riches and glory in my life.

I’ve also followed the counsel at the mouth of the Lord and had to struggle through some God-made circumstances for me.

We often assume if bad things happen that we made a mistake, and if good things happen God is happy with us. But that isn’t the example we see from scripture all too often. God leads us into rough waters, bad timings, impossible circumstances that break us down. And He does it all, absolutely, for His own glory.

And whether we'll admit it or not, we try and make good things happen for our glory.
There are a lot of decisions that need to be made in life, some of them – like making an agreement with a neighbor you think lives too far off to see again – seem inconsequential; but all need to be made under the counsel of the Lord.

I’ve got a lot of decisions up my sleeve in the coming year. And I’m, honestly, begging God for answers. The things I seem to be getting back as a response just don’t seem to make sense with the direction I think we’re going. I need wisdom and understanding, faith, and to keep pressing in until I see what He’s saying and when He’s saying it for. This word from Joshua is timely, just because I appreciated the reminder – seek that counsel.

Unsaid, but implied so clearly in that verse is this one solid truth: if they had sought that counsel, He would have given it.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: Matthew 7:7

Deuteronomy - His way isn't far off.

So todays book of the bible was Deuteronomy.

After coming out so well from Leviticus and Numbers I strolled into Deut fairly confident that something great was going to come from it.

By chapter 28 I was getting a little nervous. It seemed like the only thing happening was Moses telling everyone what had already happened.

I thought about trying to think out some great revelation from the idea of God including a whole book of the Bible to just say what had already happened to illustrate the point of telling people, reminding people, what God has already done. But that wasn’t really hitting me. And I really wanted something to stand out to me.

What ended up happening wasn’t some great insight. It’s so simple it makes me literally want to cry with frustration. But it was God speaking directly in answer to what I asked Him this morning.

On the drive to work I was talking to God about how I wanted to grow, and learn, and how I wanted to sink into the idea of community with believers and encouraging them and iron sharpening iron and fellowship on more than a once a month basis. As I walked to my car and saw my neighbors houses and said “God, I want to fellowship with them, I want to know them and their struggles and be a source they can come to when they need a hand – but I honestly don’t even know how to meet them.” And as I drove I was telling Him how I wished there were someone in my life to just show me how it’s done. Show me what they did to open doors. Show me how they have these conversations with fellow believers. Show me how they sit down and press into the spiritual discussion of growth and change, and struggles and sin instead of only touching surface nothingness like games and sports and movies. Why can’t someone teach me?

But in chapter 30 God seemed to be responding in a way that I didn’t want to hear – this is what He says:

And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. And the LORD thy God will put all these curses upon thine enemies, and on them that hate thee, which persecuted thee. And thou shalt return and obey the voice of the LORD, and do all his commandments which I command thee this day. And the LORD thy God will make thee plenteous in every work of thine hand, in the fruit of thy body, and in the fruit of thy cattle, and in the fruit of thy land, for good: for the LORD will again rejoice over thee for good, as he rejoiced over thy fathers:
If thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which are written in this book of the law, and if thou turn unto the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul. For this commandment which I command thee this day, it is not hidden from thee, neither is it far off. It is not in heaven, that thou shouldest say, Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it, and do it? Neither is it beyond the sea, that thou shouldest say, Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it unto us, that we may hear it, and do it? But the word is very nigh unto thee, in thy mouth, and in thy heart, that thou mayest do it. Deut 30:6-14

I remember back when I was seeking the Holy Spirit that someone told me that I was making it too hard. That all I had to do was stop making it so hard and it would happen. I’m proud to say that I managed to not kick him in the shin. Never has a more frustrating phrase been uttered than “It’s easier than you’re making it.”

And here is God saying “DO THIS”, and I will make your heart able to do it. And what I’m telling you isn’t hard to understand. It doesn’t have to be taught to you. It’s in your heart. All you have to do is do it.”

It doesn’t mention my specific questions, obviously, but something about it just tells me it applies. I just have to, somehow, stop making it a difficult process, and let it be something that is simply written in my heart – something already in my mouth.

The biggest promise in these scriptures is that first verse I shared - And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live.

He’s doing the work in my heart. At some point, just like speaking in tongues eventually happened, all I’ll have to do is open my mouth and speak His words to my neighbors, follow the promptings of a heart that is written upon with His words, after His heart.

His calling isn’t far off, it’s not too high, it’s not across the sea, it’s not impossible for a person like me. (Yes, I made it rhyme on purpose because sometimes I roll like that.)

I didn’t come into this year with a lot of expectations like I did last year. But here’s what I think now:
2011 is going to be very embarrassing and humbling.

Numbers - How long till we believe Him?

I’m really surprised to say this – I mean, I’ve read the entire Bible through, so I’ve hit Numbers before, but I suppose I just forget how much non-numbers type stuff there is in the book. It’s still not among my favorites (the book of James reigns on), but I found myself wishing I had more time to digest Numbers than just one lump sitting of it.

Suffice it to say, from Exodus – up to Numbers, so far the kids are still being bad. These children of Israel complain, so God gets mad and kills some of them, the kids repent. Until the next day when they get tired of eating manna all the time and they complain again and we start all over. I’m perpetually amazed that there was anyone left to walk around Jericho much less the large large numbers tromping about killing bulls at the end of this book.

But as I started it… warily… I asked God “Is there anything I’m going to be able to pull out of Numbers? (I stressed “Numbers” in a whiney tone that told God exactly how I felt about this little book.) Fortunately, He’s moved past the immediate killing of whiney-babies and simply stayed quite while I plugged into Numbers *whine* *whine*.

And I'm glad He did because it really is a far better book than people give it credit for.

There were several moments that caught my eye/ear, but one thing really stuck with me.

God led this stubborn, double-minded people all this way to give them the “Promised Land”. They get to the doorstep and sure enough, the spies say it’s everything they hoped for and more. BUT, well, it looks like it would take a miracle in order to get into the land so – obviously – the people start crying and, - honest to goodness – say “It would be better if you had left us to die in Egypt” or even if they had died in the wilderness. Then they immediately try and stone the folks saying they'd win the battle and started planning a return trip to Egypt.

And here is Gods response:

And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them? Leviticus 14:11

How long will it be till they believe Me?

It’s a sucker punch. “for all the signs which I have showed them – how long will it be till they believe me?”

Holding onto that thought, the verses kept flowing until I reached Chapter 20, where the kids are thirsty and there isn’t any water. So God tells Moses to speak to a rock and water will come out.
But Moses, instead, hits the rock with his ever trusty rod. Still works though – water comes out, and the kids are happy.
But God wasn’t. And while I’ve heard a few people talk about the importance of the “strike” and track it back to Jesus’s crucifixion and why the strike shouldn’t have happened – it’s Gods next words that surprised me.
He says “And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them"

The reason Moses struck the rock – “Because you believed me not”

And from there my imagination took over and I began to wonder about events. So here is what I wonder:

Moses, has been using this rod a lot. It’s been a snake, it’s how most of the plagues began, it’s how they figured out Aaron was supposed to lead (his rod budded).. Moses was pretty used to using his rod for his part in the miracle process.
Moses also didn’t like to speak. His first reaction to God’s call was “No way, I stutter” (something to that effect).
And I wonder… just because I can… if his dislike for speaking and his familiarity with using that faithful old rod had any impact on his decision to hit the rock rather than just speak to it.

If I follow that trail, it leads it right home to me.

Because here I sit willing to do so much for Christ, willing to use all my little tools and ideas, and every once in awhile He says “go pray for this person in this way” and I say.. ‘um, I’ll go pray for the person this other way that looks less crazy”. Or He points out something that can be done that is outside of what I call my “skill set” and I never actually say “no” I just proceed to do something close to what He wants – but done my way. Maybe you haven't done that - but I sure have.

And granted, while God has done some amazing things for me those things are nothing compared to what the children of Israel got to see and experience, and be a part of. And He asks them how long… how long after all I’ve showed you, how long till you believe me!

And I wonder if He’s ever asked that of me.

It’s going to sound odd, but I was raised to not be noticed. As the children of a pastor we were very noticed and it was outrageously important that we not be bad, wrong, stupid, silly, foolish or any other synonyms that rhyme with "not perfect". Within that scope, I learned it was better if people didn’t notice you at all, because noticing you meant people talked about you. And I discovered people, even when saying nice things about you, can draw negative attention to you. So I learned to blend in. And even today I still strongly desire to just blend in. I hate being different. I hate it with an absolute passion. I hate people looking at me. I hate people thinking about me. I hate people noticing me. But nearly everything about my Christian walk that I’m unable to hide leaves me standing out in the open looking very obvious, very noticeable, and very different. I get angry at other Christians sometimes wishing that they were more – out there – like me just because that would mean I’m less noticeable.

But God takes Moses, who does not like speaking and calls him into speaking to hundreds upon hundreds of thousands. And when that isn’t enough, He calls him to perform a miracle based on the one function he doesn’t like to do: Speak it.

God takes me, who desires to hide behind someone else and slip in and out of church with hardly a squeak in between, and calls me over and over again to be different, noticeable, even outlandish.

And when I hide, when I refuse to perform in the functions to which He has led me – it’s not about me. “Because you did not believe Me”

I’m going to struggle with it. Writing about it, examining it, knowing it’s there and understanding it for the hindrance and disobedience that it is – I know I’m still going to struggle with it.
But what I take from this is knowing the root of my struggle. As I battle for spiritual growth in this particular area my prayers don’t need to be centered around “make me more comfortable stepping out” but instead my heart can cry out – “Lord, oh my Lord, help me to believe You.”

I’d like to think something changes in the very dynamics of the problem when I’m the one calling out to God “ How long Lord, how long til I believe You after all you’ve done?”

I think the rest of the story certainly bears a mention - that the people that didn't believe God's promise concerning their ability to make it into the Promised Land - God angrily says "As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you:"

God help us all when God agrees with us rather than us agreeing with Him.

Leviticus - I want to be clean!

I have a definite picture in my mind of old testament people.

This picture comes from the fact that when God said to go circumcise themselves, the men, with no medical/anesthetizing capabilities whatsoever, suddenly picked up whatever qualified as their “knives” back in those days and started cutting on themselves and their sons. Or as in the case of a very angry Zipporah, the mom’s got that job. Let me tell you, there isn’t any way on earth I’d find the inner chutzpah to do that.

But they did it. And the Bible is incredibly short on verses that leave a person trying to pump themselves up to do what God asked. Take for example Moses’ conversation with God. God says drop the rod in your hand and Moses does. The rod becomes a snake and the Bible says Moses “fled from it”. Then God says “go pick it up” and the Bible simply says Moses did.

What’s missing is the 19 times Moses kinda stepped towards the snake saying “Ok… I’m just gonna grab the NOOO!” and runs back.

Bearing some of those stories in mind, I tend to classify OT people different from regular people. As though they somehow don’t have feelings, or get scared, or notice/care that people are staring – things like that. But… and I never thought I’d say these words in my entire life, something about the book of Leviticus really opened my eyes to the idea that I might have something in common with these people.

I think our common ground may just be an inner screaming of our hearts that cries out “I WANT TO BE CLEAN!”.

As I listened to verse after verse after verse after verse in Leviticus talking about what they did in order to be pronounced clean… my God, I feel inadequate in my own desire. What was there that they would not have been willing to do?

And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and the priest shall put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot: And the priest shall take some of the log of oil, and pour it into the palm of his own left hand: And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD: And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering: Leviticus 14:14-17

Let me tell you, from the book of Leviticus there is a lot of blood sprinkling, a lot of blood pouring around, a lot of people putting their heads on animals and then killing it. And you didn’t just do it like WE repent today, they did this constantly. Oh, you touched a dead animal – bring something in for your offering. Oh, you “went in and lay with” your wife, bring down that offering. Oh, you think your house has mold!!! Bring in that offering.

All these things were done in a desperate attempt to just be clean. And it’s the one thing that I finally grabbed onto in Leviticus and said “YES! That’s me!” It’s the one thing that I’m missing in our churches today – that overwhelming, willing to do anything if they can just be clean. Our churches are so painfully clean, that my oblation over my own filthy state of my heart doesn’t have a place and that hurts. I’ve been made clean by the sacrifice of a perfect lamb, but oh… oh, all too often my heart and my mind, my selfishness and laziness and idolatry of things that I put above God those things overwhelm me – especially as I sit in His presence – and my heart is broken and I find myself crying out to God to make me clean again! please! Only to find myself in a congregation that has already moved on.

I’m sure it’s not everyone, there are others out there who, like me, find themselves broken and trembling in hatred of their own wickedness in the presence of a fearsome and awesome God. But the majority today seems to be running through their program. Leaders that are afraid to stop the service, or let the service run until 2pm if necessary in their desire that people not only find the altar and experience the presence of God, but recognize their need to humble themselves before it.

And I want to catch myself before I simply complain about our churches today because my simple truth today is about me. I can try and apply it to anyone else that I want to but, God spoke to me today in those verses. Those people were willing to do anything God said in order to be clean. They’ll slaughter God only knows how many animals, they’ll let some priest rub the animals blood on them, they’ll let the priest dump oil on their head, they’ll sit outside the camp away from everyone for 7 days yelling "UNCLEAN", they’d put their hands into a jar of animal blood and sprinkle it around an altar, rub it on things, pour it on things… all the while saying blood is unclean: don’t touch it.

And I struggle with simply staying at the altar while everyone chats it up on their way out the doors.

Oh God, - there is a burning in my heart to be clean. To be free, completely and constantly free from the wickedness of my own heart that torments me. Torments me. But until I become as these Old Testament children of Israel, I believe I will only know it in part. Until I put everything else aside and am willing to make a fool of myself, to shove my sin to the forefront of my life rather than bury it beneath platitudes and churchy words, I will only enjoy sips of the deep fountains of purity that God could avail to my heart.

Oh let me be like them.

Genesis - Why Reuben gives me hope...

And Reuben returned unto the pit; and, behold, Joseph was not in the pit; and he rent his clothes. And he returned unto his brethren, and said, The child is not; and I, whither shall I go? Genesis 37:29,30

When I say I want to grow spiritually, I don't just penny ante about the business. So this week I've added a new aspect to my day.

At work, we're allowed to wear headphones to block out our obnoxious neighbors entertain ourselves while we work. Typically, I'm listening to music or a Matt Chandler sermon - seeing as my pastor from my "home" church has yet to put his sermons on cd for me *hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge*, but this week I've finally implemented something I'd been thinking about for awhile: BibleGateways Audio Bible.

In short, I'm listening to a book of the Bible a day. Tomorrow, Leviticus. Yeah. I'm as thrilled as you would be.
But it also explains why you got two posts on Genesis back to back. :)
There was a third post to be had from Genesis though, but I just couldn't figure out what it was.

You see, as I was listening to the story of Joseph suffering the betrayal of his brothers, there was something about it that really bugged me but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. Tonight, as I thought about it again it suddenly hit me.

It's Reuben. His little part gets just two quick verses, but those two verses caught me.

The brothers are watching Joseph coming towards them and begin plotting to kill poor Joe and toss him into a pit. However, Reuben hears of the plan and suggest they not go so far as to kill the boy, but instead just throw him in the pit and leave him there. Reuben plans to go back and get Joseph out and return him safely to their father.

Instead though, after they put him in a pit, some traders come along and they sell Joseph to the traders.

Reuben, apparently unaware of what's going on, goes back to the pit to pull Joseph out and discovers him gone.

That's where that verse above comes into play. Reuben rips at his clothes and wonders what on earth he's going to do. (paraphrasing)

Why does that mean something to me? Why do I appreciate that verse?
Because God didn't have to put it in. He could have just left it at how awful the brothers were, how they faked their brothers death, and put him in a pit, and sold him. But there was one brother in the crowd, and God thought it was worthwhile to mention his desire to help the brother. God thought it was important to show someone that's in a bad crowd, and that doesn't intend to follow what the crowd is doing, but finds himself far in over his head.

It's not too often in my life I've followed a crowd. But every once in a great blue moon I've found myself in a crowd that left me uneasy, and feeling "wrong" and as though I shouldn't be there.

I've got to tell you, never once in my life did I imagine that God cared that I didn't feel comfortable there. I've always imagined God saying "Get out you idiot" (or something to that effect) and when I didn't, well... I got what I deserved.

Maybe it wouldn't mean anything to anyone else in the world, but once I figured out what was bugging me about those verses, I just couldn't help but feel grateful, relieved, surprised even. God cares about the crowd I'm in. He cares that while I might be in a situation over my head with people doing something wrong, that well, I don't want to be doing something wrong. He sees my intentions, and the desire of my heart, even when my actions - unfortunately - don't always line up with those intentions.

As you carry on through the book of Genesis, you know that in chapter 49 Jacob dies. But just before he dies he blesses each of his children. After considering all this about Reuben, I wanted to find out what kind of blessing Reuben got and I was both pleased and sobered:

Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might, and the beginning of my strength, the excellency of dignity, and the excellency of power: Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy father's bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch. Genesis 49:3-4

Jacob was married to both Leah and Rachel, but had children not only with them, but with each of their maidservants. According to 35:22, apparently Reuben "went and lay with" Bilhah, Leahs maidservant (whom Jacob had also "went and lay with"). That explains the last part of those verses but it seems to also lead me back to Joseph.

Reuben seems like he wants to do well, but it just doesn't work out. And that's what his blessing seems to indicate as well. The verse 3, shows all his goodness, "excellency of dignity" - what an awesome phrase to be able to use for someone! - but then verse 4 begins "unstable as water".

I appreciate that God knows I want to have the "excellency of dignity" in my heart and working in my actions as well - but I pray He helps me find more stability than what Reuben had. I hope I never find myself in a crowd and lumped in with their sins. Because that's exactly what happened when they met Joseph again later on.

I want to be the Reuben of verse 3, but I sure appreciate knowing that God sees me even when I - despite the best of intentions - find myself in over my head.

Genesis - When God yanks you to Zoar.

And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city. Genesis 19:16

I was sitting in new, cushy, purple chairs. The sanctuary looked entirely different, and yet still the same. I knew the rooms, I’d roamed these halls, and I’d loved many of the people of that sanctuary. I’d met the love of my life (Freddie, my 3 yr old, curly red-haired puppet), and received a small insignificant gift that meant the world to me. I’d also spent my time on that platform growing more as a musician than I’d ever done before as I finally had other musicians to play off of so I did not have to play lead on every song. It was challenging. It was growing.

But it was wrong.

It wasn’t always wrong – I’m confident that I needed to make a pit stop at that church and learn and grow. But I’d been feeling the strange stirring in my heart that it was time to go. But I didn’t know where I would go, and the idea of going back to having church in my house was…not a pleasant one. So I continued to sit in those pews, wondering what on earth to do.

And while I lingered…

God grabbed me, and my brothers family, and being merciful, dragged us out of the church.

It didn’t feel merciful. It felt awful. For everyone. And then there was the question of where to go, what to do. I eventually ended up parking in a small Baptist church that needed a piano player until I finally kept a promise I’d made to a pastor who, also, literally grabbed me by the arm and made me promise to attend his church for just one service.

And in that one service I found my own little Zoar. I’ll never forget that church as I first found it. With a pastor so obviously anointed but with problems. And with a family in the church that knew the power of incessant phone calls when I stopped attending shortly after arriving. I needed to move to Zoar.
But I didn’t do it on my own.

I wish I could, but I can’t actually claim responsibility for some of the best steps in my life. Because too often, those steps came from, while I lingered, a man laid hold upon my hand, and the Lord being merciful to me, brought me forth and set me outside of the familiar.

There isn’t a narrator on our lives. No deep James Earl Jones type voice who narrates what’s happening so that I can know that whatever this awful event is that’s changing my life is just another “and the Lord being merciful” moment. No deep voice saying: “And the Lord, being merciful, kept her off the 410 loop until after the accident” while I change a flat tire. No great epiphany as I find myself without a job that it’s because the Lord is being merciful to me while I would linger.

And, granted, not every event (good or bad) is God yanking you around because of His mercy. Sometimes we just make mistakes. And it’s hard to know the difference because sometimes you’re sitting at a Baptist church wondering what on earth you’re doing here and if God is ever going to show you a better place. But… He will always get you to your Zoar. Even if He has to take you by the arm and drag you.

And, while in the middle of it I likely won’t enjoy it, I’m breathless with gratitude that I serve a God not afraid to yank me when I linger.