Little one came with no clothes to her name. A CPS worker had dug out some 2 yr old clothes from their "special needs closet" and brought those along with a bag with a new toothbrush, toothpaste, and baby wash. That was it. And the clothes didn't even fit seeing as she was nearly 3 and very tall for her age.
Since that day people have generously brought in clothes, and dresses. One woman amazingly enough arrived on my doorstep with 3 brand new pairs of shoes for Little One. Gods love comes from some surprising places sometimes.
But the last two days the weather has turned. Wet and chilly in the mornings. And Little Ones drawers are full of shorts and t/shirts. So this evening we went shopping. We're very well stocked now especially considering that in a couple of days the typical Texas heat will return. It was a pleasure though, walking down the aisles and finding things she might enjoy. Especially the few times she got excited and yelled "I need dat!" and it turned out she was pointing at something just perfect for her. The girl has style at least.
Driving home, she asked where we were going. And I said, "home". "Nets house?" she asked. *I'm "Net" by the way* And I said yes, we're going to Nets house. With that began the typical conversation where I tell her it's Little Ones house also. It's my house, and her house. It's Our House.
I understand, fully, that she holds ties to what is really her 'home' just as she holds ties to who 'mommy' is. And somewhere in there, tonight, I understood something better than I've ever understood it before. What I have, all of it, I offer to Little One. All she has to do is ask. I might withhold certain things from her because life can't be lived on suckers and ramen noodles alone. But deep down, the desire is to give her everything I have.
I've heard it said before, from the story of the prodigal son, that all that the Father has is at our disposal. But I never quite understood the Father's emotions behind wanting the child to have it. I understood the childs desires of wanting certain things. But tonight, wishing with everything I had that Little One could feel like Nets house was her house, I wondered more about what God is wishing for me to claim.
So much has happened the last month. I've fought, and cried, and complained. I've beat against Him the only ways I know how. And I wonder, if all along I've just been missing the point. The 'good' son in the story of the prodigal was angry with the father for something that was actually born of the sons mind, not any actual slight by the father. In fact, it seems the father responded with "It's not my fault, it's YOURS. Everything you're asking for, I've already given you. You just didn't take it."
I'm asking for a lot now just to make it through the nights. And I wonder if God isn't shaking His head at me saying "just take it." I confess, I don't know how to take it. I'm not asking for a robe or a fine calf that I can walk up and take. My desires are largely invisible, but make a world of difference to me. If He's offering it, all the powers of His Kingdom, then what is the secret to the 'taking'?
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8 comments:
love you, sister!
http://stf.heavenlytrain.com/?p=1344
i read this post right after your tonight.
it is dear.
In some respect it is like pulling last winter's coat out of the closet, shoving your hands in the pocket and finding five dollars.
It was there all along, you just never used it and forgot about it untill it was re-discovered.
I just have to drop back in and pass along a bit of knowledge that perhaps you as a new parent may not be aware off.
Three year olds do not wear out their shoes, they out grow them. And for a reason I do not understand the more pairs you buy at one time, the faster their feet grow.
Flawaynet,
Perhaps "taking" is better understood in terms of "reckoning". We receive (take from the hand) by faith. Reckon is a faith word. Why is that important? Because faith operates when you can't see it. When you have to count that it's there (reckon) without being able to see it, faith is the answer, no more than that, it's the victory!
Yes but how do you reckon peace?
Net, You claim it, based on the fact that it is there because Jesus said so.
I know some may disagree with me on this part, but I know that the devil tries to "steal" my peace, and I literally, out loud "speak my claim" in Jesus name.
One of the things that the devil does is try to convince us that those things that Jesus promised us are not really available to us. Of course they are available, we just have to believe and claim them.
It's like ... if my neighbor says "someone is giving away new cars just around the corner and all you have to do is go take one", but my other neighbor says, "That's a lie, no such thing is happening, why would anyone give you a new car, you don't deserve a new car, etc...". Then if I let my old guilt, doubt, and unworthiness creep in and keep me from walking around the corner to claim what's waiting for me. I let the devil use my former life against me and keep me from what God has already given.
To me, at least in this particular circumstancce, it feels like claiming your healed while someone stabs you in the gut.
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