I passed.

I've been strongly convicted by the sermons from Paul Washer. Strongly convicted.
So I listened to a sermon called "Examine yourselves" slightly nervously as he told me right from the beginning of the message that he was going to go through 1st John and give us a "Are you saved" test based on 1st John.

And even though I know I'm saved, I couldn't stop myself from thinking, man.. I hope I pass.

Is this man of God going to point out something from the scriptures that condemns me? Is the Word of God itself going to tell me something I thought I was doing and wasn't? Is it going to shine a bright light on some nasty sin in my heart I didn't realize was there?

So we went verse by verse through 1st John.

And, while he mentioned some things that challenged me to dig deeper and grow stronger in my own knowledge of the Word of God and in my willingness to look foolish for the Gospel message, I reached the end of the message with great joy.

I passed the test.

It seems silly to say it, or possibly arrogant even (and I certainly don't mean it to sound that way) but it did give strength, confidence that while I'm not perfect, and have loads of growing to do - I'm saved. The scriptures, the words of God Himself confirm this in my heart and I'm....almost surprised.

I suffer from a severe case of "not good enough". If you hand me a measuring bar I'll break my neck trying to measure up. If I reach it easily, I assume you didn't make the stick right. And yet here I was taking a test of the heart. My stick wasn't going to be man-made necessarily (though Paul Washer is human and could fail if he'd misapplied the scriptures) but it was going to be a bar of which it is said: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.(Hebrews 4:12)

I. Fail. So. Much.

I'm so ... profoundly inadequate. I see it. I know it.

Yet when I listened to 1st John describe the heart of one saved, I was not discouraged.
When I heard Paul Washer speak about the heart of one saved, I was not frustrated.
When I read 1st John for myself tonight to make sure Paul Washer was right, I was amazed.

I began the sermon expecting to find condemnation, and didn't find it. And the first thing I read when I read the book for myself tonight was that this book was not written to condemn the sinner.

He begins the book "These things we write to you that your joy may be full."
He ends the book " These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God."
I've listened to him (Paul Washer) preach so much about how my mind will lie to me, and my heart is deceitful above all things. Those words created a wonder in me about my salvation, it made me ... I suppose as his sermon was titled "Examine Myself". My heart tells me I'm saved, my mind tells me I'm saved - but those things lie. But the Word of God will not lie.
I passed.

I hope you pass too.

Post 1. - Gods Love.

I honestly don't know if I can pull 50 out of my hat. I said I could do 50 because Gods love seems like something you should be able to write 50 posts about, but when I said to myself "What would the first one look like" It looked like this:









I felt a challenge to see if I could actually do it so if it flops it flops. But the 1st post finally came to me the other morning and so I'm writing 1 post.

I came home from a long day of work, that was immediately followed by a CPR/First Aid class that is a requirement to maintain my foster license. I trudged into my home where my sister-in-law would be waiting with my Precious, and discovered their whole family there having a devotional time together. I laid on the floor to listen in and consider drowsing.

In the time, I discovered that they'd gone downstairs to one of our neighbors (my brothers family lives right next door to me on the 2nd floor of a quad plex- a bldg with 2 houses upstairs, 2 houses downstairs). The downstairs neighbor direction below them, "J", is a single mom with 2 toddlers. She seems completely stressed out and while I've offered to help many times, she's never taken me up on it.

But on this particular day, my brother and his wife went downstairs and told her that God had laid her on their hearts and they wanted to help. What can they do? She didn't know but she began crying just because it touched her that God cared enough to send someone to her like this. (As a piece of back story, her children are named after two prophets, and she is a regular church-goer and active worker in her church.)

After some conversation my brother and his wife left her and wandered back to their home. And I wondered... What came of this? My fear is that nothing came of it. J will sit in her home with her two children and never say "I could use some help Tuesday night". But she will, temporarily, enjoy a bright, pretty moment where she feels Gods love. And her situation will not change.

As I threw my two cents into their devotional time about how we're like that with God - He says He loves us and we go OH HAPPY DAY and we think we're saved but we never take Him up on His offer to change our situation. He wants to effect our lives, carry our burdens, change our hearts; He wants to lead us into things our minds can't even imagine, but we stop at "He loves me" and then wander away.

I've been told twice, by very earnest people, that they were in love with me. I've had 3 separate people talk about how they wanted marriage with me. (The disparity in those numbers is not lost on me either.) But none of them said to me that they loved me and then went away. Quite the opposite actually. These people became the most profoundly difficult people to shake. Gifts, letters, e-mails, showing up on my doorstep, my workplace; once words like "I love you" had been spoken there immediately followed an active pursuit. Their lives, their day to day routines changed. My life changed as well because there was no simple "He loves me!" and I was able to walk away and carry on the way I was. They all wanted something from me. And they wanted to give me something in return. Probably the worst thing I could have done in those moments is walk away and go AWESOME! He loves me. See you later!

The morning after the devotional I was thinking about how God wanted to give me something beyond "I love you". And all I could think of was "Ask, and it shall be given you, Seek and you shall find, Knock and the door shall be opened."

My brother and his wife said Gods "I love you" to J, but for her to take advantage of it she needed to ask for something. They offered physical help, and she needed to say "here's where I need it". She had to ask. She likely won't.

But Gods promises are true and His love is profound. He'll say "I love you" but it's up to me then to begin asking, seeking, knocking. To take advantage of His love. To use it. To find Him in all the ways He's just waiting for me to find Him.

We say I love you quite often and nothing comes from it. God says I love you quote often and nothing comes from it. But He wants me to enter into that love and not just look at it and smile.

What's that supposed to mean?

There's something about a number of followers that leave you suddenly talking to a crowd, rather than doing what I used to do - write for myself. And often, when you talk to a crowd, you're not quite as deep-gut, soul-wrenching honest as you would be normally.

I've tried before to close my eyes and pretend you guys don't exist, but every time I do that I see a story or video and think "Hey, my blog readers might really like to see/hear that!". But here I am trying again to pretend you're just a friend, sitting next to me at lunch listening to me talk --- and not a bunch of random strangers.

God's been dealing a lot lately with me about my heart. At some point I realized I was angry. And I'm not an angry person. I've acted angry to get a kids attention once or twice, but rarely do I actually get angry angry. Yet, I realized I've been angry for a little while.

So I was talking with God about it and He did something I hate. He made no sense at all.
Let me tell you, exactly what He said.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love."
Ok, sure, um... that's great God but I'm not angry at You I'm pretty sure, maybe I am, I don't know but... regardless, what's that supposed to mean?
"I have loved you with an everlasting love."

He said it over and over and over again. And then, when I thought He was done, He said it over, and over and over again.
He said it till something in me just ripped into shreds and there I was driving down busy, rush hour Loop 410 with no visibility whatsoever from these two tear ducts I call eyes.

I'm still learning and growing, though it's awfully slow sometimes it seems; but God is trying to tell me something and I want to hear it. If you asked me I could write 50 blog posts about how great His love is for me. I'd tell you I knew it, I grasped it, but there's something He's telling me that I'm just not getting.

But I think He just challenged me to do what I just said I could do and write 50 blog posts about how great His love is for me.
I figured He, of all people, would have been able to tell I was just evangelistically speaking. 50 is a lot....I don't even know where to begin. humnph, maybe that was His point all along.

Repentance and change...

I press towards the mark....

When's the last time you felt you were "pressing" towards the mark?

Honestly, doesn't it feel as though you just float along in life, doing what you've got to do; clean house, go to work, drive the car, change the oil, fix the meal, yell at the kids, go to bed. On Sundays, and maybe Wednesdays we add church into the mix and then go home and do the exact same thing over again and call ourselves Christians.

I've been deeply convicted by a sermon last week that pretty much was everything I want a sermon to be. A man, standing up and saying - GOD LOVES YOU too much to leave you just the way you are and the way you are isn't good enough. He said I was just like the world. He said that if I act just like the world then I'm not a Christian.

And I listened.

I hope you will too.

What to be.

In Genesis, Hagar, Abram and Sarai's servant becomes pregnant with Abrams baby. Sarai becomes angry with her and bitter that Hagar was able to conceive when Sarai had not (despite the Lords promise that she would). Sarai begins treating Hagar very badly and so Hagar runs away. An angel of God comes to her and says "Hagar, Sarai's maid, where did you come from and where are you going?"

The part that intrigued me, is that for some reason the angel put a title on Sarai. He could have easily just said "Hagar, where did you come from and where are you going?" But instead he added "Sarai's maid".

Hagar was running away from being Sarais' maid.

I just found it interesting. And I wondered, what title would an angel put on me?
Would he say Jeanette, foster mom?
Or perhaps, Jeanette, San Antonian.
Jeanette, friend to insert name of person I'm having a very hard time being friendly to right now.

I wish it were so easy to see yourself how God sees you. Because I think sometimes, I see things in my life as optional, whereas God may see them as a part of my very identity before Him.

The silence between two breaths

I've always had a problem with the scripture that promises me that if I have faith as a grain of mustard seed that I can move mountains. The whole point of it being a mustard seed as an example is because those are some of the smallest seeds known to man. I've held them, looked at them and checked them out to see how big my faith needed to be and I always ended up going "HA, no way my faith is that small."

But something interesting happened when a baby came into my  home. Her nickname for the public is "Precious" and she is, currently, an almost 4 month old foster child. She was born under conditions that make her extra prone to things like SIDS, motor and muscle development delays, and a host of diseases. She, thankfully, is a picture of health right now with only a few small quirks that mark her rocky beginning of life. I have high hopes for her future, her health, her mind, her relationship with God. I have faith that God will take care of her, regardless of what decisions judges might make that I agree or disagree with.

I have faith as a grain of mustard seed for it.

And yet, every single morning, before I brush my teeth, eat my cereal, or feed the cat, I go directly from my bed to her doorway and I listen. I listen for the sound of the next breath. I listen with a heart that hates listening for it, and that races just because you are listening for it. I listen, the way perfectly healthy people wait for their TB test to be read. You know there's nothing wrong, you  know the entire act of listening is foolish, but you listen anyway. And on those few  mornings when her nose is less croupy than normal, it takes too long and I go to her bed to see what I can't hear.

For 2 months now, every morning she - by Gods infinite grace and power - breathes on. And as this trend has continued, I began to wonder about that mustard seed. And I began to wonder what happens if there is a boulder of doubt on top of that mustard seed. I know well enough how life can change on a dime. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I'm a foster parent, so I know that on any given day the phone could ring and long-lost Aunt So-n-so could be at CPS waiting for her Precious to be moved into her home. Things change.

But as I thought about faith vs my doubts, I thought about Hebrews 11:1.
Faith, is the substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things not seen.
And I wondered if the same could be said of doubt.
Doubt is the substance of things dreaded. The evidence of things not seen.

I googled ideas on doubt and faith, and one of the first things I read was "Faith and doubt cannot co-exist!" And I thought back to the man that said "Lord, I believe! Help thou my unbelief". Immediately I shrugged off google (dear old friend of mine - I do still love you) and went back to thinking and praying about it. The question still plagued me - "Which one is stronger?"

Overall, I know faith is stronger than doubt. But my question wanted to know "which one is stronger in me". And then it hit me, it doesn't matter how big my doubt is, faith - regardless of the size of it's nemesis doubt - will always be the strongest. My mustard seed can move mountains. And in the quietness, listening to Precious as she sleeps right now, I knew that my weak faith, can move my strong doubt. 

And I was more than a little awed as I considered how strong my weak faith is. I liked the idea. To know that I didn't have to be tough, and always strong, but that in my weaknesses I can see the holes where His strength shines through in my life in places where I might not have been able to see it before.

It's not a free-for-all give up trying revelation though. My faith needs to grow, my doubts need to shrink. It's just nice for a control freak like me to know that my little mustard seed isn't overwhelmed by my boulders.

Now if only my faith were strong enough to find all the lost pacifiers...

Restored! - Book Review

So, just before someone handed me a 2 month old baby girl, I was also handed a book to review on my blog. The baby is nearly 4 months old now. As you can see, sometimes priorities get shifted.

The book is "Restored! God's Salvage Plan for Broken Lives" by Dan Schaeffer. This book was provided to me by Discovery House Publishers (the same folks that put out "Our Daily Bread") The book is chronicles the 3 main characters in the story, Ruth, Naomi, and Boaz, and it also hits on one of my favorite people in the book, Elimelech. It discusses being who God wants you to be even when the troubling times hit by showing how each of the characters responded (or should have responded) in their situations. It speaks of grief, hurt, fear and bitterness and shows people of good character and how they struggled through their own options. One of the statements on the back of the book says "As he guides you through the book of Ruth, the blurred vision of pain begins to clear and God's perspective of your distressing situation is revealed with purpose far beyond anything could imagine." I really liked that line - especially after having read the book.

And read the book I did.

It just took longer than usual, and after finishing it, it took longer than usual for me to get the review up.

I want the first thing I say to be this:

1. I liked the book.

I don't like reading non-fiction, but I always get something good out of it when I do. It's like eating your least favorite vegetable but instantly feeling healthier because of it. It makes it easier to want to eat it. And this book left me feeling the same way, like I was much better off for having read it.

2. I hated the book.

It made me angry all the way through, how he continually acted as though Ruth were Ms Wonderful and Naomi was Mrs Olden Bitter. It didn't matter that he was using scriptures to back it up - yeah, she was bitter - but I think there was a bit more to her than that. He painted Naomi better at the end of the book which made up for some of the frustration, but like I said, since it took me so long to read the book I was frustrated for awhile before I finally got to the better part.

3. I loved, absolutely loved, this one line:
"The truth is, unless you live extraordinarily behind the scenes, you will never act extraordinarily when you are finally and unexpectedly thrust into the spotlight."
Loved that quote.

4. I needed to read it.
When I first got it, and started reading, I was reading a lot into it. It seemed like it was going to be about a girl who sacrificed and  left what was familiar to her to follow God which meant moving to a new city. And for me, the girl who left home and moved to San Antonio, I felt for sure I was going to connect with Ruth. But what I found was that Ruth's character resonated only somewhat with me, and I felt more connected to another character in the story - Elimelech. He's the one that I really "got". And I really appreciated what the author had to say about him and how Lem attempted to provide when it seemed God wasn't providing. I don't want to say too much about him because the book is worth reading just to learn from Elimelech's issues.

As clearly as Elimelech's issues were written about, I saw myself just as clearly and had to repent of those traits in my own life. I like it when a book leads me to repent.

I hope you'll try this book, just to give it a shot and see if you find yourself in it somewhere. Maybe you'll get lucky and find yourself connecting more with Ruth, or just maybe you'll find one of the other characters that seem to read just like your life and you never connected the actions with the reasons behind them.

Despite how long it took me to read it, it's only 135 pages + a study guide with some questions if you'd like to read the book as a group. You can pick it up many places I'm sure, but the main place I'd easily link you to is Amazon. So click here if you'd like to get your own copy, or if you know me, I'll be happy to lend you mine.

*Book provided by Discovery House Publishers for free - this is not a paid endorsement and I am not obligated to give a positive review.

Changing lives...

It's 3am in the morning. I've just finished feeding foster baby #8.
Even having heard the crazy numbers of how some foster families have had 100 kids go through their home, it's still mind-blowing to me that I'm on number  8. And still more to come.

And as I've tucked, and wiped, and held little "Precious" and struggled with the stress that always is single parenting I've suddenly fallen quiet as I find myself deep in thought.

I've prayed sometimes that God would end the struggle. God, make life easier somehow. I'm tired of always struggling. It's been great, it's been a joy it's been beautiful and wonderful but hey God, it's a lot of work this whole "life" thing that you've called me to.

And I couldn't help but wonder if He was willing to do it. But it would cost me the great, the joy, the beautiful and wonderful. And as I carried insanely heavy car seats, worried about ECI visits (Early Childhood Intervention -a program that provides therapy for delayed children), and paid over-the-top prices just for diapers for Precious to poop in, I realized I never wanted to give this up. That I only wanted more.

And as I looked at other peoples well-put-together lives, I realized that I didn't want that. Yes, it appears to be struggle free, but I didn't want it. I want the outlandish life. The life that has messy floors, and diapers sitting in the corner of my kitchen floor (because the kitchen sink is our own little bathtub area). I want others to live young, single lives and wonder at my choice to live as a young single mother to other peoples children. I want others to wonder why on earth I'm considering taking in an 18 month old while I'm just now adjusted to a 2 month old.

I want to look harried, sleepless, tired, and as though I don't have the same amount of time for hygiene as I used to if it means that I successfully gave my life away to something so much greater than leisure time and hobbies and never having to watch Teletubbies. I want to live a life full of struggle if the reward for that struggle is that I held these children, I loved these children, I got to tell these children about peace and joy, and a man named Jesus.

I want my life to reach beyond me.

Life is best written one page at a time

Someone recently asked me if I'd be interested in doing something, and quite honestly, the only reason I answered in the negative was fear. It's hard to make changes, to not know where the road will lead, or what risks are involved. It's hard to give up what you know, for what's unknown.

It's all I've been able to think about since that discussion and today, I remembered a piece of advice I've been giving over and over again to a friend at work that just recently joined our little team (department). You see, most of the time when you open up a claim to begin processing it, it's maybe 60-80 pages long. But every once in awhile, you open up one that's around 200 pages. It doesn't just have regular attorney invoices, but it also has refunds and other claims that have already been filed, penalties and interest, utility bills to go through, and other oddball stuff that usually leaves you with a claim that doesn't balance for the 1st 3 hours.

 So, my friend Steph, has come across several of the more difficult ones and I continually tell her "One page at a time - don't think about the claim, just do it." I've watched a lot of people, myself included, see how rough a claim is going to be from the beginning and immediately something inside just shuts down. Something says "This is hard." And I boldly suggested to her that her claim wasn't hard, it just wasn't easy. And that there is a difference.
For example:
Losing 20 pounds in a month is hard.
Losing 5 pounds in a month is not easy.
Losing 1 pound in a month is easy.

Rather than think about the whole of the claim, I try and simply take it one page at a time. It still takes longer than an "easy" claim, but it's not impossible. So today, as I struggled with a "not easy" claim of my own I couldn't stop thinking about whether I'm looking at the offer with the same eyes that see 200 pages and shies away.

I don't want to live a life of fear of changing my happy little world. And believe me, my world is OH so happy. Because at the end of every successful claim my company is richer, and if I live my life the same way too, perhaps my life would be richer for all the difficult tasks I've taken on. I also don't want to change my life just to prove I'm not afraid.

Right now, I'm picturing the offer as a whole, where it leads, and whether I like the potential outcomes or am afraid of the potential outcomes. But I can't help but wonder if I shouldn't just take it one day, one page, at a time. Let the story be written as it's written.

If any of you wonderful friends have great advice on how to make decisions (besides the #1 "Oh God, what on earth should I do?) I'd love to hear it.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

Runonsentencesthatneverstopandbloggernotbeingawakeat430inthemorningwhenIdecidedtopost

For those of you that saw this "book to read" post earlier this morning, I'd just like to say - I really do understand the concepts of spacing and paragraphs. For some reason Blogger just decided to edit them right out of my html. I gave it the evil eye and then html'ed them right back in.

I have a new book to read.

For those of you that watch me on facebook, I should tell you that it's not the book you think. For my blog readers, I'll just quickly tell you the good news a publishing company has contacted me about doing a review of one of their books. They're also offering to send extras for me to give away in a contest for you guys. I'm thrilled! And looking forward to talking with them next week.

But that's not the book I'm talking about here.

One of my favorite bloggers (C Jane Enjoy It) had a guest post this morning and the guest posted a quote: "Then the heart of Eowyn changed, or else at last she understood it. And suddenly her winter passed, and the sun shone on her. “I stand in Minas Anor, the Tower of the Sun,” she said; “and behold! The Shadow has departed! I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren.”

It's a quote from J.R.R. Tolkians "The Lord of The Rings". It's a series I've never had any interest in before. I watched one of the movies then got so upset at it's "To be continued" style ending that I refused to watch the rest. I've heard that Tolkian was friends with C.S. Lewis and that there is supposed to be a lot of symbolism much like the Narnian books but, from what little I knew about the series, I couldn't see the symbolism being like Narnia at all. But this quote alone changed my mind. "Then her heart was changed, or else at last she understood. And suddenly her winter passed and the sun shone upon her."

I've seen that incredible moment in my own life, and I've got some folks right now that I would love to see that moment happen for them. I serve a great BIG God who would love to see that as well, but we're just too shadowed to at last understand.

The most interesting words that the creator pens immediately after this breakthrough really catch my eye though: "I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren."

Eowyn knew what she needed to be.

This breakthrough of understanding didn't leave her wondering "what next?", she had a new path to follow. I'm NOT THIS anymore but I WILL BE that. I think too often we get into our minds and we decide what we don't like about ourselves and we decide I won't be this anymore. But never replace that thought with what we will be.

I think that's why we fail far more often than we succeed.

I haven't read the books yet. I will though, that's my very next step. I want to see if Eowyn succeeds. I want to see what becomes of her. I want to watch her journey. But most of all I wanted to write to ask this question - if not of you, then of myself - am I busy being what I will be? Or am I busy trying to not be what I won't be?

Hi

It's been a little bit friends.... not that long, but too long. I miss writing. I've written a few posts in my head but there is never any time to sit at the computer and organize it in my head and get it all typed out exactly as I like it. 2 weeks ago I had a great one... Can't remember what it was though. :)

In all of this though, I wish, sincerely wish, that I could express to you the depths of my joy. I'm tired, a little overwhelmed trying to juggle loads of overtime at work, working a little part time gig for myself, and maintaining things like groceries in the house and laundry, and in all of that in the last few weeks there has rarely been even a moment when I didn't want to just cry or shout because the joy is just so intense. God is so good. And the best part is that I don't say that God is good because I have joy, but that I have joy because God is good. And it is VERY intense.

I've been considering so many things in the last weeks, the main one being that I'm not the person that I was. It seems like when I first started this blog that I had so much to say.... but now just a few years later it feels like so many of these things are so intense that I cannot find words for them. 5 years ago I said I loved God. Now, when I say that I love the Lord I want to weep for those small words just can't convey what I mean. I love the Lord. Even now, just writing this silly thing tears are falling as I wish I could just write down what knowing Christ has meant.

*sigh*

...The reason I write today is just to say that I'm still here. This blog is still incredibly important to me as an outlet and that I'm still going to finish blogging through the books of the Bible that I started. There may be a few smaller, regularly blog type posts before it gets up but I'm working on finding some balance but at least for the next couple of weeks work is so intense that it won't be "balanced" with anything. I'm ok with that. It'll get there.

And during these times when the blog falls quiet and nothing seems to be happening I just want to touch base and let you know that I really appreciate all of you that have followed me on blogger, put me into your google reader, or just check back every so often to see if anything new has come up. I appreciate you.

I'll be back!

30

I've posted every year on my birthday, so I had to break my silence to write down my thoughts of today.

I turned 30 years old today.

It seems like an important number, but to me it's not any more so than the others. A year has gone. I always have to ask myself "What did I do with it?" and my answer always seems to feel a little negative because the answer is always simply " I wish I had done more with it."

The church I've been attending has a little communion service just before the new year and the past two years I've been wise enough to attend. This most recent one, I was really struggling because right after I left the communion service I was heading North to help my dad put my mother into a nursing home. I was praying my mother would see death before she found herself this far gone. So sitting there, in the darkened church praying, I was supposed to go up to the front when I was done and take communion with the pastor.

Instead, I went to the front to say goodnight and that I wouldn't be taking communion that evening but, thank you very much. The pastor, who'd been praying with everyone before they left asked if I wanted to at least pray with him so I agreed.
He prayed a blessing on me, my house, my job, my finances, my family.
And I remember walking away feeling strange, like something was wrong.
It wasn't till I got to my car that I realized what was wrong - I didn't want the prayer that he'd prayed.

If you pray something for me, my hearts desire is that you would pray this - That I would BE a blessing.

God has so intensely blessed me. I'm not blessed with tons of money or stuff, or time, or whatever else - but I've got a peace that I can't explain as to how amazing and unnatural it is. I've got a joy that is so deep I sometimes want to scream and dance and jump up and down while doing something so ordinary as walking into a supermarket. I'm blessed.

And I don't want you to catch Gods ear and ask Him to bless me more. He's so good, I'm confident He'll bless me enough on His own.

What I do want a little extra of is the ability to BE a blessing.

I've worked hard the past two months trying to get out of debt, manage my money well, eat right and healthy, and work hard at work.
But even if I master all those things in the next year - all I will have done is gained the things that any good self-help book can give me.

I don't want a self-help book life.

I want a life that is a blessing.

S to the T to the R to the ESS.

As you can see I haven't started back up again. I AM still going through the Bible, but the new job I got shifted over to is profoundly stressful. I went from "do a good job" on a larger team to a 4 person team and "It's a new HUGE contract, don't make us lose it." Added to that is the expectation of 99% monetary accuracy. Which isn't just about not making mistakes, but making 99% perfect decisions and being able to back them up enough so that hopefully the contract liason auditing my work will make the same decisions.

I tried to get started again, have even listened to 2nd Kings but by the time I finally got home for the day stress and a LOT of numbers had completely blotted out the blog post in my head.

Just thought you'd like to know what you're waiting on. :)

God is good.

1 Kings - I have left me.

Sometimes I feel absolutely alone.
I feel like I just don't think, act, respond, or understand things like other people do.
It's what makes life difficult, work difficult, and most especially it makes church difficult. Because church is my one huge connection to a world that I want to be a part of.

And yet they all seem to school together like a bunch of well trained fish, while I Nemo myself away from the pack.

I assume that "they" are all right, because that's the whole point of having multiple opinions, is that it helps you get to the right one. Whereas, one opinion all by itself has nothing else to go on. No iron to sharpen it's iron per se.

Despite how wrong some of the above ideas and feelings might be, they are the number one reason why today, when I listened to 1 Kings that, while a lot of it stood out as really interesting, the one thing that really hit me was the number 7000.

You see, when Elijah is standing along at the entrance to his cave and was complaining about how much he loved God and served him and no one else seemed to care, and that what they did seem to care about was finding him and killing him. God said "Yet I have left Me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him."

God has me numbered. I'm numbered into a group to which I'll one day actually fit in to. Elijah didn't see his group. All he knew was that he felt alone. He knew he felt desperate because Jezebel was trying to kill him. He knew his situation was - not - good.

But the gentleness of God in these verses make me love the Lord all the more, and give me hope that He really still loves me despite my inability to fit into a crowd.

So watch what God does:

He feeds Elijah.
Elijah quite literally runs for his life. Jezebel says "I'm going to kill you" and Elijah takes off running. He goes a days journey If you google it, the general idea is that he walked 20-25 miles. And finally:
"But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again." 1 Kings 19:2-6
So Elijah slept, got woke up to eat, and slept again.
What does God do?

He feeds Elijah again.
And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, "Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee". And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. 1 Kings 19:7,8

Then, once Elijah has made it where he's going:

He lets him vent.
And he came thither unto a cave, and lodged there; and, behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said unto him, What doest thou here, Elijah? And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. 1 Kings 19:9,10
You know God knew what Elijah was doing there. God knew he was running for his life. The Almighty wasn't unaware of Jezebel's threat. But he asks Elijah; giving him the opportunity to say what he needs to say.

He shows him that He is powerful enough.
And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. 1 Kings 19:11,12

He gives him a chance to change his words.
And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah? And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: because the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. 1 Kings 19:13,14
I don't get it. I know I don't. I wish I understood the full magnitude of why God asks Elijah a second time, but I don't. But here's what it means to me. Elijah was serious and 100% dead on about what his problem was. If you ask me twice what my problem is, rarely will I give you the exact same answer. Sometimes, I might give you so completely different an answer it doesn't make sense how I jumped from one problem to another. But I believe Elijah knew his problem to his very core. I believe he was absolutely upset that his heart was so jealous for God yet the precious children of Israel had so utterly forsaken Him, and he now felt utterly alone and his life was in jeopardy.
I'm glad God asked a second time.

He gives Elijah a comforter.
And the LORD said unto him, Go, return on thy way to the wilderness of Damascus: and when thou comest, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria: And Jehu the son of Nimshi shalt thou anoint to be king over Israel: and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abelmeholah shalt thou anoint to be prophet in thy room. And it shall come to pass, that him that escapeth the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay: and him that escapeth from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay.
Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him.
So he departed thence, and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, who was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen before him, and he with the twelfth: and Elijah passed by him, and cast his mantle upon him. And he left the oxen, and ran after Elijah, and said, Let me, I pray thee, kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow thee. And he said unto him, Go back again: for what have I done to thee? And he returned back from him, and took a yoke of oxen, and slew them, and boiled their flesh with the instruments of the oxen, and gave unto the people, and they did eat. Then he arose, and went after Elijah, and ministered unto him. 1 Kings 19:15-21
Elijah needed an Elisha.
Sometimes we might need an Elisha.
Sometimes we need to be an Elisha for someone else.

One last impression God leaves us with in these verses, besides the sweetness of Elisha's sudden yet complete devotion.

God is in control.
It doesn't seem like it when the situation is awful, but did you notice Gods wording? "Yet I have left Me seven thousand."
It's not, "I've got seven thousand left." or "They have left me". No. Despite how bad the situation, despite how God-less the situation seems to feel - God is still in control. When the prophets were being slaughtered - God was in control and they didn't kill one more than what He was ok with.

It doesn't sound so pleasant for the prophets that were killed that God was willing to lose them, or count them as "spares" that could be lost - in the game of chess, there are pawns for a reason - but when death means Heaven, it's only something that the people left behind would complain about (aka Elijah) rather than the prophets themselves.
When we run for our lives - sometimes that just looks like moving, and job hunting, and foreclosure, and divorce, and dropping out of school - and tell God "I'm the only one of my kind" ... that's a good time to remember who is in control.

I think I really like this chapter.

13 was really interesting too.

And now for a word from our sponsors.

So.... I realize that some things in my life might have changed and I haven't mentioned them all on here - because I expect you to have facebooked me. Seriously people, get with it!
But, one change that happened in the last year is that I now work for a company that contracts with mortgage companies to process their foreclosure claims.

My job, to explain it as simply as I can, is to make sure that HUD or Fannie Mae pays our client (the mortgage company) the money the company is out due to foreclosure. Attorney costs, property preservation costs, taxes, utilities, and the principle balance and interest. So it's mostly sitting at a computer crunching numbers and following guidelines about how much can be paid for whatever and if they did it in the right time frame or not.

I'd give you an example of the guidelines but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. :) I think you catch my drift. It's government type rules. That should explain everything.

But while we're doing those claims we're able to listen to music or whatever through earphones. So I've been listening to the books of the Bible each day while I'm at work because well, it's good multitasking.

But I've been switched to another claim type as of tomorrow and so the next couple of days will be spent training. Today was spent in training as well (ironically enough, thanks to great planning it was for the claim type that I'm currently working on). So the Bible posts are cut short this week. They will resume next week hopefully unless the training process causes for more interruption.

2 Samuel - Let me see His face.

The full story I am about to tell is located within 2 beautiful chapters of 2 Samuel.
2 Samuel 13 & 14

It's a very detailed story, so much like the Harry Potter books, two small chapters will be even more abridged for the sake of time. Read the chapters though for the full amazing picture written into those pages.

Ammon is the son of David. Absalom is the son of David. Tamar is the sister of Absalom.
Ammon loved Tamar and tried to get her to “lie with him” but she refused saying that all he needed to do was to go to the king, David, and David would give her to him so it would be done honorably. But Ammon refused and since he was stronger than her, he “forced” her.

Absalom sees Tamar's grief and is very angry about this and plots to kill Ammon and succeeds. But, fearing his fathers anger, he runs away to another country and stays gone for 3 years. David, a father that throughout the book of 2nd Samuel displays a powerful love for his children and his heart appears to be hurting concerning Absalom’s banishment.

2 Samuel 14:1 Now Joab the son of Zeruiah perceived that the king's heart was toward Absalom.

Joab pulls some trickery to get David to agree to let Absalom return to the city and David agrees under this one stipulation:

2 Samuel 14:24 And the king said, Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face. So Absalom returned to his own house, and saw not the king's face.

2 Samuel 14:28-33 So Absalom dwelt two full years in Jerusalem, and saw not the king's face. Therefore Absalom sent for Joab, to have sent him to the king; but he would not come to him: and when he sent again the second time, he would not come. Therefore he said unto his servants, See, Joab's field is near mine, and he hath barley there; go and set it on fire. And Absalom's servants set the field on fire.

Then Joab arose, and came to Absalom unto his house, and said unto him, Wherefore have thy servants set my field on fire? And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent unto thee, saying, Come hither, that I may send thee to the king, to say, Wherefore am I come from Geshur? it had been good for me to have been there still: now therefore let me see the king's face; and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me. So Joab came to the king, and told him: and when he had called for Absalom, he came to the king, and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king: and the king kissed Absalom.

I’ve seen it in other places that I don’t really have time to mark out; that desire to see someones face. Absaloms ultimate punishment was a severed relationship with his father. “Let him not see my face.”

It seems like such a small punishment for murder; even a justified murder. But that was the punishment. And it was too great for Absalom to bear. “It would have been good for me to still be in Geshur”. “If there be any iniquity in me let him kill me.” He was willing to die rather than to continue on outside the inner circle of David’s life.

There have been a few times in my life where it truly felt as though God were lost to me; that my words wouldn’t reach Him. How great a thing it is to be in the presence of the Lord. To seek His face, and to seek to know Him. I do not ever want to lose my access to the face of God. Oh, I don’t have full access now – my body and mind are too foolish and weak to truly experience His full presence. Even a part of it though, the tastes that I have had – they are beyond compare.

Let me see His face.

1 Samuel - Tell me what God doesn't do.

As I began may way into 1 Samuel, I thought for sure that I would write about how Samuel let none of his words fall to the ground.

And Samuel grew, and the LORD was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground. 1 Samuel 3:19

But then I hit chapter 28 and, though I'd heard this story before I couldn't not post about this story.

And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled. And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets. Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.

And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee. And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing. Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel. And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul. And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself. And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.

Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy? And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David: Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day. Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.

Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night. 1 Samuel 28:5-20

I almost feel like I shouldn’t say anything except what I titled this post as. TELL ME what God doesn’t do. If you’ve read the Bible at all you’ve read about Him telling people to do some pretty crazy things (kill your son, or marry a prostitute for examples) and in this one, it’s not a matter of God telling Saul to do this but just a matter of something that is possible that even believers that love God and believe He can do the impossible would never believe this story if someone else outside of the Bible itself told us that it happened.

So if you read this story, just tell me, tell me what God doesn’t do.

The Pastors Cat

Tired of everything being so serious around here??

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Ruth - Following something stronger than your heart. - Part 2

A second thing that I couldn't help but hear a difference in was the wording used on something. And maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I couldn't help but wonder about it some.

Boaz says: "Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: " Verse 8

Ruth tells Naomi about what Boaz says: "He said unto me also, Thou shalt keep fast by my young men, until they have ended all my harvest. " Verse 21

Naomi responds to Ruth: "It is good, my daughter, that thou go out with his maidens, that they meet thee not in any other field. " Verse 22

Verse 23 says "So she kept fast by the maidens of Boaz to glean unto the end of barley harvest and of wheat harvest; and dwelt with her mother in law."

I would have left it alone, but something Boaz said later caught my attention:
Chapter 3:10 "And he (Boaz) said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich."

It made me wonder about wonderful, virtuous little Ruth as to whether or not she was kinda hoping for someone else besides Boaz. If your husband says "I'm glad you didn't follow young men" I'm guessing he's not so young himself. So, curiously enough, I wonder if Boaz wasn't her first choice. Maybe the strong laborers in his field had caught her wandering mind and said with a smile "they'll certainly do" and wanted to "keep fast by the young men".

Our choices and our own hearts lead us towards beautiful and interesting things at times. Our hearts and desires can be intense sometimes. And it seems like the entire world is telling you to "follow your heart". But sometimes there is something stonger and more secure than following our own hearts and passions. There are noble causes that say give up your life rather than follow your passions.
In this case despite her words and possible desire to 'keep fast after the young men" she did exactly as she was instructed and "kept fast to the maidens".

And Boaz was grateful.

And Naomi was honored.

And Ruth stepped gracefully and with strength of character into the very blood lines of Jesus the Messiah