I have a dream.

I say have, not had, because I'm waiting for it to come to fruition.

But, this week I had a dream. I cannot post about it, because the person involved reads my blog and I don't want to do anything that would seem like "helping" God in this instance. But I did want to document it as much as I can.

In the year 2008 I expect to see it happen.

The best part of the whole thing is my beginning confidence in these things. In the last two weeks, a lot of things have happened. Life changing things that really have just come out of the blue. But they came out of the blue after I asked God specifically about them. It's really just opening me up to expect God in more and more as I experience new things. And when those nudges come, I'm beginning to give them more credit than I normally would have before. And now I wonder how far off base I have been as I sought so much of Gods power - and not enough of God.

It's not about seeing God do something, it's about seeing God, while He does something.

Tell me God doesn't speak to me through my blog.

Go ahead. Tell me. I'll laugh. Or roll my eyes. I'm not sure.

Today, someone new visited my website, twice. Each time they googled the same term and came to the same page. It was a post I wrote back in 2006 (2006! I've been blogging that long?).

It was called "When Sin Creeps In".

What was the main topic? Well, I was struggling with something at the time and started thinking about renewing my mind.
Yep, renewing my mind.
A topic I'm just now thinking about again this week, and here comes someone directing me to my post on the same subject.

*sigh*

Just in case there's someone else out there that can benefit from the scriptures I ended up posting on that last post I'm going to post them again.
Here is just a clip of what I wrote:

I started thinking about how I needed a renewing of my mind (anything to get my mind of needing a repentance from disobedience!) and did a bible search for "renew mind" And it gave me two hits, but the best one was Ephesians 4.

Ephesians 4:22-32That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

For Christs sake, He's forgiven me.

I believe God speaks in whatever works best with you. And one of the ways He speaks to me most often is through song. Random songs will pop into my head as a face situations - you can laugh it's ok - and I find myself scrolling through the words in my head trying to find the redeeming value, the message to the song that is meant for me at that moment.
And today, I woke up with Celine Dion's song "A new day"
This is getting long - so I apologize. But I wanted to share the lyrics (or at least some of them):

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come

Yesterday, it was raining as I came home from work and so Bell and I took the opportunity to be silly. We stood in the rain, arms raised, spinning around in circles - before we finally wandered over to the playground and let Belle slide down the slide over and over. While we were out there my mind kept wandering to all the songs that talk about the Holy Spirit and rain. Let me tell you, Celine Dion didn't hit that list! But when I woke up this morning I just kept going down the words until I hit upon that one line

"Let the rain come down and was away my tears, Let it fill my soul and drown my fears, Let it shatter the walls for a new new sun."

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just have to stop and smile at God.

What it's really all about.

Every day.... every day.... it just gets better.

I wish I could really describe for you the difference. As much as one month ago, there was so little hope, what hope there was it was forced, efforted. Church, life, living, loving, believing, ... everything, every bit of life was drained by disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness.

To go from that, to sitting here feeling the beginnings of that old passion and excitement burgeoning again. And it's in those moments when I'm just sitting and breathing, thanking God that whatever was holding onto me is gone, that I wonder what on earth has taken place.

July 24th, 2007 I wrote a breakthrough post. At least it was a breakthrough post for me. It was the first in a couple of posts called "Trouble the waters". God did something that week for me, and I fully, and wholeheartedly agreed with what He was speaking about troubling the waters - (in case you didn't go back and read the post, the troubled waters reference is to the pool of Bethesda where the sick folks waited by the pool for the Angel to trouble the waters, at which point the first one in would be healed of whatever afflicted them.)

July 24th, 2008 I wrote a relieved post titled "Something IS Giving". And that was the first in what I hope will be a long line of 'coming back' posts. As I try and find my footing again as the ground becomes more and more firm beneath my feet - finally.

What a difference a year makes.

But still... I don't want to go back to the passion and excitement I had experienced before and just embrace that. I want to dig even deeper. Because there's something incredible out there that I want more of.

I've listened to a lot of lies this past few months. A lot. And I just didn't have the strength to disbelieve them. And it cost me. But here's where it takes me now.

...I don't know how many people this applies to, but just because of how I was raised, I've grown up believing that Christians shouldn't make mistakes. Mistakes are punished. And if you don't come up to snuff, you're an object of shame.

If there was ever a time that I didn't come up to snuff, it was in the last year. And now, in this - finally new - moment, I'm holding onto grace. And that's never something that I would have said before. Sure, it's one of those things that all Christians probably say - but it wasn't a concept I really held onto.

And now, it's really all that I've got to hold on to. It's not about my works anymore, I can stop trying to boast. It's not about my passion, or faith - because for a year I was losing all of that. And yet still, He held onto me.

It's all about Grace.

ugh

Completely off topic :

My house now holds a well hidden, half bald, severely traumatized mouse, and 1 entirely useless glue trap.

Finding the good, pleasing, perfect will of God.

Ok... tonight it's a twisting road as a lot of different things get put together.

First, I've got a favorite reader. I don't know who they are, don't know how they get here, and don't know how they found my blog. My sitemeter that tells me my blog stats usually tells me how someone arrives, and what page they arrive on (typically it's always the main homepage). But this guy/gal, whoever they are, they always just pop up onto a blog page. Then, out of curiosity I go and read that post. And every single time, it gives me a word that I needed just for that day/moment.

They don't come every day, their visits seem truly random. But I've never failed to be impacted by what they go to read. Best part is, it's my own writing that is usually reaching me. It's kind of funny in the odd sense.
Today, they arrived and went to one of my older posts on the cost of power. Read it again, it's ok. :)
I would stop here and say more about that, but I want to mention the other things that pulled everything all together today.

Terry L. over at "A Disciples Thoughts" wrote a post called "The Power Behind the "Get To" Lifestyle" and in it he quoted something that really stood out. It was from Romans 12
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).

And immediately I thought about how I'm seeking Gods very clear will concerning leaving my church. And this verse is pretty plain about how to figure out Gods will. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then I'll be able to test and approve what God's will is -- His good, pleasing and perfect will.

So I pondered 'not conforming' and 'being transformed' and 'renewing my mind' when I came across this post by Joe Thorn called "Rebooting Your Prayer Life" (thanks to Bob at In the Clearing for the link to the post).

Altogether, the entire day was just one reminder after another that what I'm aiming for is something awesome. It's not a Sunday thing... it's an all consuming thing. It's a transforming thing, it's a miraculous thing. Or at least it can be. But it involves a revamping of every tiny little crevice of my life. Not that that work is something that a person just efforts your way through on your own. But the work is done in you, as you simply work to surrender and stay open to what God wants done in you. Even when it hurts.

It's praying, it's paying the price for the power of the Holy Spirit in your life, and turning your back on the very idea of conforming to the things of the world choosing to be transformed, and allowing Christ to renew your mind.

It's exciting. But until it becomes natural, it's something you need to remind yourself of in order to stay on track. Make the habit, change the life, then you'll see the good and pleasing, perfect will of God.

I'm excited, I really am. I wish I could explain how whatever misery enveloped me before has just simply faded. I really wish I could. But the difference now is like night and day. And an utter relief.

God is good.

Life is changing

I think that's the trick... the key to all this that I need to remember.

I apologize, but I'm starting this post mid-thought, my fingers just don't have time to go back into the entire thought process and catch you up. If you read long enough you'll find me.

It's easy to say I'm craving worship, and while that's true.. that's not why I'd even remotely consider leaving my church.
Every church I've ever been to has worship issues. We're stale, routine and too wrapped up in the normal time frame to worship instead of sing ( typically).

The whole reason to leave is if God wants something else for you, or them. If it was just the worship, then you stay, you worship at home feeding yourself and praising your savior when others just can't get in. You do, alone, what the crowd can't. Not because you're somehow spiritually better than everyone else, but because something inside you can't be satisfied until you've crawled into that worship vein and offered something to God.

It's about giving something back to God. Not coming just seeking. But coming to give as well. And from my experience, when you come to give, you receive so much more than when you come to receive.

Whether a church has that or not, whatever problems a church might have, it's a building, with people. Where ever you might roam, all you'll find is a building with people. God simply merges talents and gifts where He needs them. That's the difference. It's not about anything else ultimately. It's not. It can't be. It just can't be. If God puts you somewhere, you park there, sitting under your cloud until He moves it and then you get up and follow.

I've whined and moaned saying that I don't want to leave.
The truth is I'm just afraid of the unknown. At least I have people here that care about me. And when I wander away, following a cloud, well, sometimes you find yourself in a wilderness for awhile instead of at your destination.
And that's just plain not pleasant.

But, more than anything I don't want to leave just because I've said I'd leave. And I don't want to stay because people expect me to stay.

I want to find where God wants me to be. And then I want to just grow. I want to remember my prayers from before to love God and serve God unabashedly. I want to remember my hope and my faith, and the burning passion that said God was a miracle worker that worked today as well.
I want to move beyond the questions, and the doubts, and worst of all the guilt.

It's intensely hard to stand back up and start talking about strength and Christ - when the voice in your head reminds you that when the going got tough, you cowered on the floor and cried.
It's hard to get past that.

I want to though. I'm ready to press on now. I'm ready to press in.

There's a difference that I can feel in every single day now. Whatever it was that was clawing at my back is gone. It's easier to breathe. It's easier to sleep. It's easier to live, and easier to dream.

Life's changing. But change, just for changes sake is stupid. You change what God wants you to change, when He wants you to change it, TO what He tells you to change it to. No other reason. Even if it hurts.

Blog housekeeping tidits.

In the sidebar is now a nifty little tool that shows you the stuff I've starred in my google reader. If you click on "read more" you can see some of the other starred items as well. I've got way too much in my google reader that comes through every day but, in it, every single day there's at least one article that really makes me think.

So... thus the joy of the 'share' option. :)

Also, if you look at the links I've added, you'll see some people have gotten zapped off since their websites were no longer active. At the same time, some new links got added. "97 Seconds with God" is currently going through the bible chapter by chapter, and The Prodigal Jon (a site done by the same guy as "97 seconds with God" and "Stuff Christians Like"). The Prodigal Jon is right up there as my favorites, though not updated as often as his other blogs when it does get updated it's usually really thoughtful and interesting.

That's all. Housekeeping done. Have a nice day.

Holy Spirit Turkish Delight...

I've been wanting to write this post all day long now. Once the idea finally clicked, so many other things just fell into place and I've just sat, biding my time until I could finally sit down and put words to it.

The basic summary, and gist to the whole thing is this:

The Holy Spirit is like Turkish Delight.

Someone commented last night and reading her comment everything in me was wishing there was some way to make it sound like I wanted something more than what my church typically offered - without making it sound like my church folks were just unrighteous pew warmers.

Someone else was talking to me about it and they reasoned that the lack of life-changing worship in churches now days to the people having idolatrous hearts.

And, while I wish for so much more from church, my church, every church across the planet... I'm going to call it something else.
I'm going to call the Holy Spirit Turkish delight.

Probably need more of an idea than that, don'tcha. :)

For those that have apparently lived under a rock and aren't familiar with the Chronicles of Narnia, "Turkish Delight" is the treats that the White Witch offered to Edmund (one of the 4 main characters) that his intense hunger for it overrode his loyalty to family, and made him greedy for only one thing, one thing was needful and that was more Turkish delight. Nothing else mattered.

What we have at my church is good. It's nourishing, and sustaining like a relatively healthy meal.
But dear God, I know, I KNOW that there is so much more to be feasted on when I go into Gods house. There are the riches of plenty as His Spirit will never run out or be rationed. It's going in, and feasting of His presence, and offering everything of yourself back into Him at the exact same time.

The best worship in the world, is absolutely exhausting. And refreshing enough to get you through the hardest times. It's MORE than what you'll find in most churches now days ( at least in this area). And it's typically easier to worship by yourself than with a group because it's hard to move past where they've stopped at. "Life sustaining meal"

It's the difference between the widow woman making the last cake, and God offering the oil that never runs out. There is MORE. It's exciting, passionate, heart breaking, and convicting. Worship, can break you then put you back together again brand new every ---- single ---- time. Changing you, molding you, making you.
It's an EXPERIENCE.
Not an exercise.

I think that's the best part of what David wrote when He said "taste and see" that the Lord is good. There isn't any condemnation for those that aren't tasting or looking to taste what I'm searching for. So don't take it as a criticism when I say from the bottom of my heart how I wish churches, my church included would taste and see the wonders that is available. I've tasted something incredible in my life, I've eaten of the Turkish delight, and nothing else can satisfy.

Oh Lord, I'm hungry.

Here's the controversial part though. I say, with everything within me desiring something better not just for myself but for you ALL of the you's reading this blog , that if you're satisfied with what you've got, then you haven't tasted what I've tasted. Not because of anything you've done or not, it has nothing to do with what kind of person you are or how your heart desires God. Maybe, all the churches you've been too never offered this amazing delight, maybe you've just never seen this particular gem of a treat and didn't realize that what you've experienced wasn't all there was. So I want to tell you to look, start searching, digging, asking God, for a taste of what I'm talking about even if you disagree with me. Because I've tasted it, and like the greedy Edmund, my eyes are set on that prize of Gods powerful presence. The kind of presence that leaves a fragrance in the air, the presence that blows through buildings with no windows open, the presence that drops onto people until they find themselves on the floor speaking in the Spirit seeing visions.
There's more than what we've got. An abundant, untapped resource of more.

It's real, it's for TODAY, and it's for us.

And I want it!

Throwing Jonah overboard.

We're too polite a society to throw Jonah overboard now days. Today, the entire ship and it's occupants would sink and Jonah, if he tried to jump, would be classified as suicidal and delusional and would be mechanically restrained for his own safety.

Because it's just not right to throw Jonah overboard.

But God doesn't feel that way.

Today, our church service saw two of it's best services in a long time. And I just can't help but wonder, if it's because I'm climbing to the ledge of the ship. I haven't hit the water yet... so I could try and tell myself that these are the types of miracles it would take to get me to stay, but I can't help feeling that this is the power that is going to come to these people once I've jumped.

I've got to tell you, being Jonah, feeling like the ship might sink because of you if you don't get off... it's not pleasant. But I enjoyed every minute of the services today, and I found myself saying "God?? why can't we do this all the time, and why can't I stay?"

But if this is what is in store for my family, these people that I really do love, I don't even want to stay till the end of the month. Give it to them now God. Let me get out of the way, and give them what You've got planned.
The last time I was gone for a few weeks, right after Little One was returned to her family, they also enjoyed a terrific service when a visiting group came to minister. I could be all noble and happy, but I guess I'm a bit like the Jonah that came out in the last chapter of his book. Sometimes I just want to sit under a tree and sulk.

At the same time, something that I'm clutching at as my heart breaks at the thought of leaving and going into the unknown, is that Jonah didn't jump off the ship and die. God had a plan for Jonah, a strange, crazy plan that people can hardly believe is literally true and not just metaphorical.

I'm self-centered, very much so. But very often I find myself looking at someone elses awesome plan and saying "Ok God, but what's my plan?" I want to know He's got a plan for me. That He's going to feed me too, and encourage me. That I'm not the only person like me on earth, but there's a people somewhere, that I can fellowship with and belong.

God just give me the strength to jump overboard.

A time for change.

Welcome to August. This, is the month of transition. It is a month of trying patience. It's a month of waiting.

Barring - well, a great miracle, I'll be leaving my church at the end of the month. 5 Sundays. I'm already counting with my stomach in knots. I can't imagine what leaving looks like. I can easily imagine what 'left' looks like, but not leaving. I can't imagine giving everyone the same explanation I gave my pastor. I can't imagine looking into their faces and saying that I just don't belong there anymore.
I haven't the faintest idea.

"Left" just looks difficult. I'm hopeful that I might find something that feeds the excitement for worship and Christ. I say "feeds" it, and not "sparks" it, because the spark has definitely returned. It's there, but I've begun to think that I could use some help right now. I'm craving corporate worship, I want to find those people worshipping, with hands outstretched and hearts open, and I want to climb in and go there too.

The difficult part of it is that when no one is expecting you to be somewhere... it's easy to not go. And, I don't know about the rest of the world, but I know, around here, finding that worship could be a very difficult thing to find.

More than anything, I just want to find out where God wants me. I think I missed the boat when God was trying to move me, or at least turn me. Now I'm wondering if that isn't why I've been so miserable recently.

So the questions for today are:
Where do you want me God?
How do I get there?

I'm calm, quiet, a little sad to once again lose something I want to hold onto.

Something is out there, a way is out there, a place is out there.
I just want to find it.

Darkness to Light.

It was one of those 'dark' moments people talk about. When your ok/ bright world suddenly walks off the ledge into a deep, dark moment that hurts like all get out.
Holding onto Bell, crying out to God to somehow come find us in this pit - a miracle happened.

He did.

A lesson on compassion.

Today I got a beautiful reminder of something that I should never have forgotten, and I wanted to write it so I would be able to look back and remember it.

As a little bit of setup, I've got bit of a summer cold. Stuffy nose, sore throat, cough, all the fun symptoms the day/nightquil commercials talk about. This morning was particularly rough as my head felt like it was ready to pop. Not in the migraine way, but in the way a water balloon must feel while it's being filled... just before it explodes.

Today, someone stopped by my office to say good morning and 'how are you'. I made a joke about how I had a cold and he'd better get away quick - mentioning how my poor office mate was stuck in the office with me and couldn't escape the germs.

And then the most surprising thing happened.

There's those moments, when the look in someones eyes changes. That moment always gives me a pause. Foolish conversation carried on between the three of us while he did the exact opposite of what I had advised. I'd told him to get away from the germs, and instead he came into my office, squeezed through the opening to get behind my desk, and stood next to me with his hand on my shoulder while my office mate and I rambled on about antibiotics and germs and whatnots.

And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was being prayed for.

I could write a whole post about how foolish I was not to embrace that moment better and the even crazier reasons why I probably didn't even though all three of us in the room were professing Christians.

But that's not what really brought me to attention today.

What stole my thoughts today was the compassion that changed his entire expression.

My thoughts began twisting with old thoughts about God that I'd just simply forgotten. Thoughts that, you know to be true, but you just get too wrapped up in whatever new idea you're flittering about with to remember. I spent the rest of the day, and into the night just considering my compassionate Father. His motivations for healing aren't about how sick you are. It's not comparing a simple cold to someone elses fight with cancer. He's looking at you, only you, and seeing you in whatever state you're in and being moved with compassion.

I too often forget that. In my quest for seeing God move, or seeing His power at work, being able to see the miraculous things - too easily it becomes only about the power, and not the reason for the power. Or, most importantly, the heart behind the power.

That kind of compassion changes you first, it hits you and twist your normal 'whatever' response, to something that genuinely cares about the other persons resolution to whatever it is concerning them. It's what propels you from where you are comfortable and not affected, to a place where you simply can't help but reach out. That's when the heart of God is most profoundly reflected in us.

It's hard to keep all the titles in my head, all the traits and aspects of God and His character. But besides powerful, I need to tack up the word compassionate. I serve a compassionate God. And I needed that reminder.
I also need a greater measure of that compassion.

As a side note for the testimony of it all - I ended up e-mailing that gentleman later, because by the time he left my office my head had stopped hurting and despite still having cold symptoms still, they weren't nearly as uncomfortable as they had been when he had arrived.

Despite my wealth of complaints and worries, I ultimately always find myself agreeing with the lyrics of the song - "He ain't never done me nuthin but good."

A word about foster parenting.

I know, none of the few people that read my blog are foster parents (ok, except you Linda). They have no interest in it and aren't concerned about learning more for the future idea of being a foster parent. This post, I suppose, besides being for my own release is for the random people that might google "pitfalls of foster parenting" and find themselves looking at this post.

I testified tonight an incomplete testimony, I suppose, because the real thing would take up too much time. But in it, I mentioned something about how overwhelming it was having foster kids. What I didn't include was how much God is in the overwhelming. Whether it's David vs. Goliath, or Gideon + 300 vs the Midianites, Peter's passion to walk vs the raging stormy waters. In the overwhelming, that's when I've witnessed some of the most remarkable moments where God just came through. Moments I never would have seen without the overwhelming.

It's not that He makes the crying stop, the bruises fade, the sickness healed, or all the emotional distress that goes along with these kids just vanish. He's just there, in the midst of it.
I spent a lot of time dreading moments, seeing different moments coming up and trying to ready myself, or steel my heart for them, and somehow, every single one of those moments has been gotten through.
I feel like such an overwhelming wreck while I'm a foster parent sometimes, but somehow, these kids end up happy here. Even when they scream, or cry, they really come to be ok here.

I've probably said it before, and in some ways it's true that foster parenting isn't about you, it's about the kids. But at the same time, it absolutely helps to know that I'm my Fathers kid, and it's about me too for Him. That helps to satisfy the selfish need of me to feel taken care of as well. Or at least considered. It helps you get through the day. It also helps me keep in mind that God loves these kids even more than I do. And whatever my wishes and desires for them, Gods are higher and nobler.


Bell, beautiful Bell is my 5th placement. I've cried with and for 5 different kids now. 5 different kids I've put to bed then crawled over and told God He had the wrong person and I just wasn't right for this job. The number of 5 just amazes me. I wish I could say I had found that 'determined' attitude that says I believe I'm able to accomplish what God has put me into.
But I haven't. I found myself tearfully informing God that these childrens needs, and hurts, are too great for me to soothe. That I can't do it. And I desperately need Him to do it through me somehow.

This is beyond me. With every child I consider quitting. But, as I play my piano to pray each night, staring right at me is my wall with photos of each child. Added to it is an updated picture of Little One that her parents gave me the other day. Not even 4, but looking so old and happy. Her parents still going strong, doing what needs to be done to stay strong, and at least until September I am their regular Wednesday night babysitter.

God was good to her. He was good to me to let me see the outcome. It may be the only one of these 5 kids that I get to see the outcomes on.

As a side note to the days that I spend trying to figure out how I'm going to do what I'm suppose to be doing, and trying to figure out who I can get to help... I have to stop a moment and publicly say how awesome my niece and nephew are. They play with Bell in the back room during spanish church, they tried their absolute best to watch her during the song service this evening, they've really taken my words about teaching Bell to be gentle with people to heart. Too often I find myself looking at them going, what on earth?? But today, realizing what a huge source of help they were I couldn't help but just hug them and thank them and tell the what a good job they did and how I was proud.
So now I'm telling the world. I'm proud of those two kids.
Thanks you two.

Something IS giving.

I believe in God. I believe He heals and answers prayers.
I believe He loves me, even when I'm unlovable and stubborn.
I believe I overthink why He doesn't do things.
I believe He wants me to believe, and act like I believe, whether I understand or not.
I believe He wants me to be perfect, as He is perfect. Not that He's wanting perfection from me, but for me. The distinction is great.
I believe His plan is better than my wishes, no matter how much it hurts.
I believe even when the pattern seems painful, and it just happens over and over again, there's a reason and purpose for it, even though I'll still cry.
I believe I too often hold onto people rather than Jesus, and in an effort to break me of it He keeps moving me around, waiting for Him to become my primary, my source, my desire.
I believe there are greater things out there, and greater things to come than what I have seen.
I believe it's not up to 'those out there' to give it to me, but for me, in Christ, to develop it.
I believe that being baptized in the Holy Spirit is a separate thing from salvation.
I believe that that baptism may have been the only thing that kept me spiritually alive this last year.
I believe, in faith, that my year of brokenness and weeping is about to change to growth -that might still involve the weeping- and passion.
I believe, in faith, that my passion for Christ is about to return full fledged and exciting.
I believe, in faith, that the things that I've wallowed in this last year I will once again let go of. I will find my peace in Christ by trusting His promises, and I will weep with hopelessness no more.
I will hope in Him.

Physical things around me will begin to change, and spiritual things inside me will begin to change. But I believe it is the latter that will birth the former. NOT the other way around.
Something is giving.

As a side note, I was thinking about how much I've been saying "somethings gotta give", and how I was now thinking that something was indeed giving. I knew I'd written a post specifically on it so I went searching for my post on it. And I discovered to my surprise that it was dated almost exactly a year ago.
My year, is ending. A new one will begin.

Sunday's done.

I can't fault a thing today.
Megan, wonderful Megan the new babysitter, bonded well with Bella, and it went great. Bella cried when we first went in, but nothing like what she's been doing before. She seems like a normal happy kid now that cries sometimes. Thank you God.
She was sleepy, so I assumed we'd skip the spanish service and take care of napping.
She couldn't fall asleep though so I made the executive decision to go back to church for the service.
My niece and nephew served as baby sitters during the song service while I played for them. Then, just as a test I put her in the service and tried to see how well she sat still. Typically, boredom means she cries.
She sat, 99% perfectly.
I felt brave enough to go to another church for service tonight since our church wasn't having service.
Once again, she sat almost perfectly. Whatever flaws there are, are simply the fact that she's 2. That's not considered flawed. It's called learning.

I went, despite the fact that it would have been far easier to stay home, because I'm still hoping I'll go somewhere and hear the magic words that will click in my mind and ease this ache.
The guest speaker at the service told the story of being in some youth service, and all the college students were praying saying they were hungry and thirsty for God, and he kind of derided that idea because he was holding onto the words Jesus spoke to the woman at the well, saying that we will never thirst again.
That certainly didn't make me feel better.
I'm not supposed to thirst again?
Yes, I've read the scripture, yes I believe it, yes I still feel dry.

He quoted someone that taught him that trees don't produce fruit for the first few years, because they are gaining life in order to survive as a tree. After they have that, fruit is the product of excess life.

He said that Jesus didn't want us to survive, but to have excess life that produces fruit.

Yeah, I'm all for that.... how do you get it? How did I use to have it? How did I lose it?

He went on to say how life with Christ gives you joy, quoted the scriptures about 'exceedingly and abundantly beyond what you can ask or think", and said that he's not saved because he feels good, but feels good because he's saved.

He said he went through some years where he and his wife were just doing all they could do to survive. He'd had those dry years... but that he just kept on because God doesn't take long to bring you back to excess fruit.

What? Wait? what happened? He was so close. I thought he might actually touch on how ripped up you feel when you find yourself in survival mode. I thought he might tell me that feeling this ripped up and obscenely sad is something that other Christians have faced. I thought he might tell me... I don't even know. I thought he might give me hope.

I think that's why I don't like church now. I go, feeling completely at odds with every other person in the building because I can't explain why it hurts.

Sunday mornings needs.

Funny how timing works sometimes.

I knew if I went to church, I needed someone to watch Bella.
I also knew there wasn't anyone in the church that could.
So, I talked to a co-worker that lives down the road from me and asked rather vaguely if one of her daughters might be interested in coming to church with me to watch Bell.
She said she'd find out and get back with me, and I reminded her that it probably wouldn't be this week, but next week because I didn't think we'd make it.

After a surprisingly wonderful morning and afternoon (she hasn't cried yet, seriously... a miracle has occurred) I decided to go ahead with church.

Then, I wondered what I'd do for childcare, and I thought about calling my co-worker again, or another babysitter that I know, and finally sat back.

I'm reading a book right now called Grace Walk, (thanks to Nancy for the referral to it) and in it, the author talks about how we get so busy 'doing' Gods work, rather than letting Him do it. And he referenced Abram and Sarai and their usage of Hagar to accomplish Gods will.
And I decided to stop thinking about Sunday, but wait and see what God did. God knows I need someone to watch her. I need to see what God is going to do.

Then, just a moment ago, my co-worker and her daughter walked down to my house to see what time the daughter should be ready tomorrow. Apparently the daughter has done this at other churches she attended, and is just a sweetheart all the way around. She's happy to do this, and more than willing, and this is interrupting her going to church with her boyfriend. I'm proud to know her, and I hope I get to know her better.

So, one moment at a time.

Thanks for praying once again. This has been a day from Heaven. Bell hasn't cried today at all except for a brief moment at naptime and then she laid quietly until she fell asleep. Daycare reports that she just screams and hardly naps at all (10 minutes was all they got on Friday they said). So this, is simply awesome. It's a great day.

Thank you Lord, for what You've accomplished in us today. Thank You for helping me to let go of the burden of tomorrows needs and trust You for provision. Help me to trust You for that provision all the way through this placement, and for each need she has. Thank You for so profoundly quelling my medical worries for Bell.
Please keep working in and through me Father. I don't want to be what I am, but what You are. And You're the only one that can accomplish that.

Remind me of the things I obsess about so, and speak Your lessons to me when I'm not sure what to do. Most of all, help me realize what I shouldn't be doing. Please keep working in me.

A little more credit

So, today Bell and I found ourselves taking a 45 minute drive to a neighboring city to pick something up. We spent, probably 35 minutes of it screaming.
Finally things calmed down and we ended up at Long John Silvers.
Sitting across from me, this crazy little angel and I shrugged our shoulders at each other until she laughed at me.
And then she did something she hasn't done without me seriously working for every bit of it...
She looked at me and just grinned.

Maybe it's the stress of the last week, maybe it's hormones, but I stared at her a moment, then two seconds later I was grabbing a napkin apparently trying to pretend that somehow I'd gotten food crumbs near my eyes.
I wasn't even paying attention to the music playing in the background of the restaurant, but then some words just caught my attention "You're beautiful baby from the outside in". And i agreed
It's from the Tim McGraw song "My Little Girl" (click the title if you want to see the video of it).

She still screamed a lot, but she fell asleep on the way back home and even though she woke up when we got home, she went to bed without tears.

Read that again:

My little screamer, went to bed tonight without tears.

I can explain it away with reasoning, but I choose to believe this was Gods prompt assistance in answer to prayer. He's not going to hand me a problem free, easy child that changes her own diapers and picks up after herself, and somehow never misses her family.
But He sure can help.
Thanks SLW and Nancy, for praying.
Some people have the saying "if momma ain't happy"... but in this house right now, "If Bella ain't happy, ain't nooooobody happy."
She'll get there. I cannot imagine how I would have reacted if thrown into this situation at 2 yrs old.... I can't imagine how I'd feel at 27 if someone took me out of my house and forced me to live with them and follow a brand new routine, strange daycare, and different foods than what I'm used to. Sure as the world I'd get some vegetarian household and I'd die of starvation, screaming, while the family looked on pulling their hair out wondering how to fix me.

She's doing great... and I really wish you could have seen that grin. I wish all the people that have listened to her screams could have seen that grin. It's the kind that just makes you stop and sigh and that hope surges within you that everything is going to be ok.
It was beautiful, heartwarming, and a relief.

If anyone happens to stop in over the weekend, please keep Sunday especially in prayer. At this point I still can't imagine trying to do church with her. Yet my absence, since I play the piano, makes a huge impact on the whole congregation.

Help God. Please keep doing this in us.

Giving credit where credit is due

God does still love me, or I don't think we'd have survived the last 72hrs.

Bella has had the hardest time adjusting of any child I've had so far.

God has truly given some grace during the last days to get through. Not in just surviving, but in physically changing the situation for us sometimes with the strangest ideas.
After a literally horrific night, we arrived at bedtime still screaming, and as I laid her in bed screaming I just started breathing out loud, really heavy. Truly, if she woke up tonight with a nightmare, I would understand. Playing like Darth Vader just before bedtime doesn't seem like the best idea when it comes to lulling a 2 yr old to sleep.

Yet, crazily enough, this is the first night she didn't scream her way into sleep. Within 15 minutes, with only a few sporadic cries and whimpers, she was sound asleep.
The stupid heavy breathing thing worked. Thank you God.

In the last two days, several times I've found myself in a situation where I'm trying to tell someone something that they needed to know, only to find the entire thing interrupted by the screaming. It's one of those situations that would generally fluster me and I'd lose track of what I needed to do - yet somehow through the screaming each and every day so far, I've stayed calm. Thank you God. If there was ever a week my blood pressure could become an issue... it's this week!

Bella has very severe separation anxiety. Daycare is pulling their hair out (literally, I asked the staff how it was going for them and she made the motions for pulling her hair out and outlined some very frustrating problems). Several different parts of the daily routine sets her off, plus, one of the workers apparently has hair that looks like mine, so each time she comes in their room, Bella is set off again.

Language has been confusing, because it seems like she understands English, but speaks Chinese.. or gobbledygook, I'm not sure. So far I have entirely understood "mine" "daddy" "mommy" "sissy". And literally, that's it. Yet when she's not crying, she's almost constantly babbling. She's the most talkative kid I've had so far. Just too bad I don't understand her.

She needs comfort, really. God has really been here this week, maybe not in a way that I could feel emotionally, but certainly in a way I could see.

If you're reading this, and you think of us this week, pray for her. Pray especially that I'll make a wise decision concerning Sunday services. I'm now a Sunday school teacher, and the only musician that plays for the song service. But, unless things change with a serious improvement, there's just no way that church will work right now. We're not a screaming mess, but we can certainly dissolve into it fairly easily.

All that said, I've outlined her hardest issues, let me document the good part.
She is sturdy and fearless. She traipses up and down the steps, off curbs, and into anything at all, absolutely fearlessly. She's a great eater (especially when I compare her to every single other child I've had). And she's smart, quick, and very helpful. She catches onto habits very easily and likes to keep things clean. She's very obedient, and typically the problems with crying are rarely related to the fact that I've said no or prevented her from doing something.

She really is a terrific child - the crying and screaming isn't her fault, life happened to her, not the other way around.

So... that's all, I've got to find some sleep.

I don't know what the rest of the week looks like, but we need You this week Father. Comfort her when the arms she's crying for can't be here to hold her. Surround her, and touch her heart. Be, through me, what will help her during this time. Help me to stay focused on relying on You for her, or I honestly don't know how we'll make it. Help the daycare staff to remain patient and calm, and not to sound too greedy but help the other kids not to react to her crying with crying of their own. Plant Your peace around Bella at home and at daycare, everywhere she goes. Be with her. Help her.

Bella & Praying

24hrs into this new placement.
She's doing really well. Daycare said she had a good day, The evening went really well, (I finally got a kid that actually likes to eat), and while bedtime still took awhile, the crying wasn't as loud and fierce as last night.
She did really well.

One thing I'm noticing about her is how sturdy she is. She's small and delicate looking, right up until she takes off. Whatever happens she just keeps going, no fear, no looking at you trying to decide, just.... ready. A caseworker that came for her arrival used the best word to describe her - she looks Samoan. She's so very brown that I can't imagine the information I received on her being half Anglo, half Hispanic is accurate. She's darker than my half Anglo half AA. She's dark. It doesn't matter... it's just one of the many things to realize that you never have a clue what to truly expect when foster kids arrive.

Bella has forced me to talk out loud more, because at bedtime, she hates my singing. But just talking helps. So I spend a good deal of time praying out loud at her bedside. We cover everything in the time it takes for her to go to sleep and be calm enough for me to leave the room without disturbing her.

I sat there, creating a new routine, yet feeling absolutely nothing as I prayed through all sorts of different things from Bella, to her family, to her daycare, then church then on and on to different people I knew in need. I finally stopped and told God how little what I was saying was moving me, and how I didn't like that. That what I was saying should be important to me and she sound more important as I took it to Him.

That's when I said the magic words. "God, my heart just feels hard."

Just saying those words was like something smashed inside me and said YES. I can't fix it, I can't soften my heart, and I don't know what all I've done to myself. But I'm glad to know something specific to consider.

All shook up

Last week, I found myself battling ants. No matter how much I sprayed, or kept the counter clean, they never really seemed to be gone. One time, I was pretty sure everything was clean and ant free and I set a bowl on the counter, and in a matter of 30 seconds I watched 3 ants come out to inspect the new arrival.
I kept looking at my bottle of ant killer wondering why it wasn't doing it's job. Then I went around googling better ant resolutions.
But then Sunday, I stopped and I read the bottle of ant spray.
In small print, on the back side it said "Shake well".

Rats. I guess I had missed that part.

So, I shook it all up and then sprayed my counters down. It's been two full days without ants now even though there's a Dr Pepper cup in the sink.
I don't know anything about chemicals, but I assume that naturally the ingredients in the bottle separate and that separately they don't do much. But when combined (by my vigorous shaking) they become something that actually has an effect, something that can stop ants in their tracks.

The very idea made me wonder... - besides wondering at my own sanity for comparing God to ant spray - what if I only work when I'm all shook up?
Those days, moments, or hours when life seems all shook up, or your emotions get all shook up, or your spirit finally gets all shook up, that's when it's not just you and God, but you with God.
Maybe I spend my days spewing out a little bit of me and a little bit of God, but not a powerful combo of me and God.

Foster #5 - Bella

She hasn't arrived yet, but it should be sometime within the next hour or so. She's two years old, half anglo, half hispanic.
Her name isn't really Bella, I can't put her real name on the internet, but her real name is so unusual that Bella is going to be an easier nickname for her anyway. Of course, that whole idea might change once she arrives.
These minutes, or hours between the phone calls and arrivals are the strangest part of the whole ordeal.

Where?

God, you are the maker of all creativity, please give me something to say. Speak to my heart and help me to unravel all the yuck that's inside me until I can find my way into a clearing Lord.
I don't want to live like this, I don't want to live and pray, and trust, but only in tiny portions. I want to believe for the incredible, for the sun stopping God that I've read you are, but I haven't met.
I always assume, that if I haven't met a bigger, better part of you that it's because I'm not ready for it. I want to be ready, I want to see more. I'm tired of dreaming and telling people how BIG and awesome you are, when you just don't seem big enough sometimes.

Someone once said that the thing they were most amazed about concerning you, was your ability to hold back. To NOT just 'bam' and make it happen, even though it leaves us screaming and confused. I get that... I really do... but it doesn't stop me from screaming and being confused.

You healed and you healed and you healed. Yet, people around me, no matter how much they pray, never seem to find complete healing. They say they're healed, they've been touched, and then a month later, two months maybe.. the same thing returns. That's not healing, that's a reprieve.

You sent your Holy Spirit, and the fire and power of that Spirit is suppose to be awesome. Someone else recently talked about how Elijah poured the water over the wood before he called down your fire to consume it. That kind of story leaves me hoping that even though we Christians seem dead, and dry, and passionless - that you're still able to fire us up. I want to see that. I really do. I'm sorry for every ounce of mediocrity in me, I don't want it there. I want to be absolute, a ball of fire and passion that is absolutely consumed with adoration for you and your kingdom.
But I just can't get past this great big wad of disappointment. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I believe you can do anything. I just don't believe you will. And that just rips me up with confusion. Why won't you?

The same old Christian answer is that it's not your fault. It's mine. And while I've certainly failed, and failed, and failed, I don't know what it is you're waiting for from me. And everyone else around me who happens to be praying to you too.

The only other alternative is that you're not doing stuff, just for the sake of not doing stuff - because it's better for us. And I just don't get that transition from biblical times where so many were healed and changed because you apparently thought it was ok, and yet now every single person I know that needs to be healed, or to have their lives changed... it's not ok.

Every option I've come up with, isn't a good one. Doesn't make sense. And they all hurt.
Where are you God? Not just the surface distant stuff we've experienced. Where's the deeper part of you that I need in order to be content with things not making sense to me? Where's the stuff I'm suppose to be holding onto when my prayers are always answered with a no?

Where am I suppose to be in you? cause I can't find it.

Ok, I've said my peace....please let it be your turn now.

Stand still a minute

Today mom turned 60. Happy Birthday mom.
That's all.


In other news, I made someone mad at me yesterday. It's one of those moments where you haven't done anything wrong, but someone ended up hurt anyway, and now they're 'politely' not talking to me.
I'm sorry I hurt them. They're stressed and twisted up enough over some other situations in their life right now, I'd rather have not showed up on the radar.

I called the police tonight. Nothing happened, I wasn't even nervous - just doing my civic duty. Within 2 minutes I saw them shining their beams looking for people, and now they're still driving around. It's at least nice to know that, in the event of an actual emergency, they have a very fast response time. Note to wayward teens, don't come skulking around my neighborhood with bats after 10pm.

It's odd how you can start praying, and in the middle of your prayers things seem so important. And then you sit back down on your couch, or lay down to sleep, and you just can't help but think that nothing is important.

Question... if you knew marriage could be a wonderful thing, a happy, enduring, life-changingly magnificent thing ---- BUT, everyone around you was barely sustaining their marriage and in general they were all only marginally happy that they were married - would you still get married hoping for that life-changing wonderfulness?

My question actually has nothing to do with marriage. It's just an example. People who have tasted Gods presence can only try and give you an idea of just how wonderful, peaceful, joyful, and deep that presence is (and they only have 'tasted' not feasted in his presence)...but every where you look you just can't find that being lived out - would you really want to chase after that presence?

It seems impossible. The church in general just keeps on saying 'keep digging', but the entire church world in general seems to just keep digging and never finding anything. It makes everything seem so pointless. It makes you want to put the shovel down.

When my niece and nephew were smaller, whether it was teaching them to walk, or swim, I always tended to do the same thing. First you gear them up to get to you, then as they get closer you back away just a little bit so they go farther than they expected. In the end, you always catch them before they fall, or wear themselves out and go under water or something.. but ultimately, at the end of the day, they had reached you.

But in Christianity, it just feels like you're forever swimming, and He keeps backing away.

I am... I serve

Ok, I'm posting most of his post here... hope he doesn't mind.
This is a post from Steven Furtick.
Just in case he does mind.
The preachers name is Steven Furtick. His blog is here. His church is here. His wifes blog is here.
I hope that is enough advertisment for him to cover the fact that I'm posting his post here.

Once, in the middle of a life threatening storm, Paul spoke up with courage: “Last night an angel of the God whose I am and whom I serve stood beside me and said, ‘Do not be afraid, Paul.’”
Acts 27:23-24

I like the way Paul ordered that:
1. Whose I am
2. Whom I serve
Identity (whose I am) comes before activity (whom I serve).

I need to remember that when I’m heavy with inadequacy and uncertainty.
Who I am in Christ comes before what I do for Christ.
God the Father said He was well pleased with Jesus before Jesus ever performed a public miracle.
Identity supersedes activity every time. Remember that next time you feel like you don’t have what it takes to do what God has called you to do.
And let what you do flow from who you are.

92 yr old preacher.

So a co-worker sent me this story today...

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta , Ga honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....

'When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heart break and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... the only thing that would comfort me was this verse.........

'Jesus loves me this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
We are weak but He is strong.....
Yes, Jesus loves me..
For the Bible tells me so.

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his footsteps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

Hurts like hell.

I've never once in my life used this phrase until now. And I wonder if it's a bit closer to accurate than other peoples usage of it.
When people say something 'hurts like hell' it means it hurts a lot. They're feeling an extraordinary amount of pain and compared to the fires of hades, they're thinking "ok... this is what that pain is."
I don't like the term, because I always think hell would be a lot worse than breaking a rib (which most people tell you hurts a great deal).

But after feeling so absent from God, so empty and dry, and so utterly desolate - I wonder if this is more like (though certainly not equal to) what hell would feel like.
Despite all the horrors that hell will have to offer, I wonder if it's going to be the absence of God that we feel more than the presence of anything else, no matter how horrible.

If this is even a taste of what hell feels like, I'd still want to do whatever it took to get to Heaven even if all the physical horrors of hell were still there. Give me the never ending flames and weeping and gnashing of teeth, the whole bit. But don't take away the only thing that makes anything worth while - God.

I want to be in His presence, I want to feel it again, I want to know Him again and know that He's still there.
Eddie, my dog, wants to be where I am. Even when I'm too busy to pay attention to him. He just wants to be as close as he can get. It's not about him trying to show the cat that he's the favored pet - it's just about him, wanting to be near the owner.

Being absent from that, in my life, when for the past 5 years before this one were so continuously growing... may just hurt like hell.

Let me go.

I need God.

Two things happened this week that just made me give a second thought to.

First, I have a great dog. He's not so bright, but he makes up for it with enthusiasm.
Every day, he's pent up in his fence while I head off to work. And every day, he shows me yet another hole that he's discovered in order to get out of the fence.
He'll do anything necessary to get out and preferably back into the house.

Lesson two -

A cantaloupe, sitting on my kitchen counter. It's fresh, looked good, smelled good, apparently I wasn't the only one to think so either.
8 hrs later, I found ants trotting over to check it out.
I ended up spraying and wiping tons of stuff down as they slowly wandered over the counter to the cantaloupe.
8 hrs, one unopened cantaloupe, tons of ants.

And as I gave those things a second thought, I wondered (this will probably sound weird to even me when I come back and read this) but I wondered how different things might be if Christians were like that with the Spirit of God. If no fence, no chains could hold us back from getting into His presence.
If just the slightest scent made us drop everything, to crawl into unknown territory just to see if you could find the source of the smell.

It was a do anything attitude.
Anything, whatever it took, whatever hadn't been done before, desperate clawing at a hole just to make it wide enough to crawl through to reach the goal.

Yeah, ok. I don't have that. I'm doing good just to go to church. Beyond that, I'm a quivering mess.

I spoke, tonight at church in between songs about something along these lines, I spoke. I know better. I really do know better. But I did it anyway.
Grr.
It's like trying to write a blog post, only you only have one go at it, it needs to be short, ... oh... and you'll probably get too emotional to think straight. Impossible.

I wonder sometimes if the whole reason I'm at the church I'm at is just to teach the people patience.

I need God. I need to find that weird little spot where you just grab onto God and cling. But not just cling. I was watching a trapeze act today and I thought about how tight the people must grip that bar - and yet they swing and move their body to gain distance and speed. They didn't just grab on and ride. They hung on and flexed and leaned, and pushed until they were moving faster than when they first grabbed on.

I just haven't found my footing yet, and worse yet, I can't seem to shake this profound sadness.
I'm ready to trade it in.
Let me go.

A prayer answered.

I prayed this afternoon. For the first time, in quite awhile - my prayer was about something besides "woe is me".
I prayed for my church, I prayed that we could see lives changed, that we would come expecting something from God, looking and expecting to see God do something as opposed to sitting down and doing the same service we did last Sunday night, or the 1800000 Sunday nights before.
I prayed for a specific man in our church that just returned from having left. I earnestly prayed that he would see a breakthrough and that any enemy that might be around to remind him of his sins or hold him back, or shove his addictions back in his face would be banished. I prayed he'd see freedom, that he could somehow become what it is God has planned for him if he can ever find the freedom he's fighting for.

Then I went to church.

And the entire routine of the service was changed, as that one man stood up and said God was calling him to rededicate his life and he wanted to - right now.
The service never went back exactly into it's routine. I ended up playing the piano to our Pastor reading Psalms, throughout the entire service.

So, today, I can say my prayers were answered.

I can't do it.

Every now and then, someone stumbles across my site form a google search. So instead of coming straight into my main website, they start off at a specific post that google led them to.

This morning, someone googled some lines from a joke I included in this post so they went to my post "Oh, Lord I am nobody!".

I went and read the post, and found it ironic that of all times that post came up now.
The main gist of the whole post is how messed up and sinful I am, yet somehow God can use me, somehow God loves me.

I hate irony. It's too easy to discount.

A lot of different thoughts crossed my mind today. I went to see Wall-E today (two thumbs down) and despite really not enjoying the movie, at one point in the movie one of the characters yells "I don't want to survive, I want to live!"
I almost said Amen.

This is no place to be, no way to live. I just can't solidly say to myself God still wants me. Even though I blame Him for my inability to walk away - that He just won't let me go - somehow I just can't bring myself to say He's still waiting for me. And that He's still intent on working on me. And it's absolutely impossible to say that I'm worth working on, or able to change.

If anything - this whole mess just really has left me knowing that I can't change me. Some of my prayers are simply challenges now. "If you want me, and you want me better than this, You're going to have to do it God. Cause I just can't."

If God can't make something from my life, nothing good will come of my life - cause I simply can't do it. I've tried. I determined in myself so many times - and yet I'm still messed up.

So...

My confession

It's foolishness, I know,... seriously, I know. But tonight I was praying in tongues and a snippet of me was saying "so...does this mean I'm not totally blacklisted?"

So, despite the fact -or maybe because of the fact - that I've chased away my readership - I'm going to use this as my confessional.

Tonight I confessed all the stupid things that I think are holding me back from God.

I stepped back into a habit of misleading people. I know what to say, and how to say it, to get you to back away - whether it's the entire truth or not. I'm not lying about important things, just things that help me get through the day with fewer questions. But for me, the important part is that I've lied. Which fortunately or unfortunately depending on your perspective has given me a very guilty conscience about things. The unfortunate part to it is that I've completely walked away from some friendships because I'm afraid they don't believe me about things I have been truthful about.

I've been selfish. Every single child I've had in my home, I could have done more for. I was just too self-involved to really focus on them and drop myself enough to give them everything I had. At the same time, especially with Little One, I let my issues with her issues, get the best of me. 100%.

A song that was sung at Spanish church tonight put words to my next sin. I neglected God.
When Little One came along, I was so overwhelmed with issues and parenting that I began neglecting God. I didn't read as much, pray as much, my piano/prayer time was practically non-existent. And it still is. Until somewhere in there, I just quit trying. Life was too much to handle to make room for all the work that a relationship with God takes.

Then, and most strongest, is the shame. I feel deeply shamed every time I'm around certain people. I can't get past the idea that in their sin, I'm the reason they stumbled. And there's nothing I can do to change or fix it. Something special about me, just messes people up. Ain't it grand being unique?

I hope the Holy Spirit said something good tonight. I hope God listened, and answers the prayer. Whatever it was. I don't want to live like this. Something's gotta give.

Walk away

Oh for cryin' out loud!

How hard it is to just walk away? To just give up, shrug off all the things I just can't seem to 'get', and walk away? Every attempt I'm making just seems so pointless.
Every prayer,
Every song,
Every scripture I read,
Every church service.
Why can't I just stop? Why can't I just walk away?
I get that maybe God wants to teach me something - but what if I never make it? I can't give what I can't figure out. I hate being such a puny broke up mess.

It's a mess.

What is it that keeps me from walking away? I've absolutely given up on myself. I can't get it. The only thing I keep waiting on is that maybe, just maybe, God's going to pull His crazy magic string and the world will make sense again.

Fraud

If I'm going to be saved, if I'm going to be a Christian, I want to know it deep down in the fiber of my being. And I use to know it. Or I certainly thought I did. But now, it's a nasty mess of "If I am, tell me what it is that I'm not doing. How do I make this right?"
I don't want to doubt. Even when I feel alone, and broken, I want to know the foundation is still there.

Somewhere in all these questions, I... well, I may have only convinced myself that this is true, but it seems like if I could only know the foundation was there - I could hold on. I could easily proclaim that God is a healing God, and that if I pray, God might hear my prayer and answer. But without the foundation - I can only think that that might not be true.

Even with my worship, as we sang the song service Sunday I ended up leading the songs and couldn't help but apologize to God, I can't imagine He'd want my worship. RWK in their comment had it exactly right when they used the word "fraud". That's exactly what it is. And that word makes it far worse than trying to believe something, or do something you don't feel. Because the word fraud implies that you're misleading others.

I don't want to mislead anyone - so let me make it clear.
Don't follow me.

Communion

I'm afraid of communion.

I've abstained the last two times we've had it at church the last few months just because I'm afraid of taking it 'wrong'. I know the logical answers, I know the rebuttal to how foolish the very idea is. Yet I keep going back and seeing Jesus say not to drink unworthily - and I just can't bring myself to say I'm worthy.

Especially the last several months of this downward spiral.

Here's a pretty well kept secret - about three months back, purely by accident, I discovered a lump. After fidgeting around with it for a few weeks I finally went to a doctor. She discovered a lump as well and scheduled me for a mammogram.

In the nearly 2 weeks wait between going to the doctor, mammogram and then a sonogram, I just kept thinking about the last time I took communion. And I kept thinking that this was really how the cookie would crumble. This is really where my proof was going to be. I was going to end up absorbed with doctors and medicine for awhile just trying to get rid of something I pretty well gave myself. By taking something holy, and claiming it for myself.

It's a lot to think.


Ultimately, the sonogram results were immediate (and good). Yes, there's a lump, but it's nothing to be concerned about.


But seeing just how quickly I imagined God striking me left me even more uneasy. I want to know I'm saved. I may have said the right things to 'get saved', and done some of the right things to 'act saved', but God looks on the heart to show whether you really 'are saved'. And as I've said before - I think my hearts just plain messed up.