I know me. At least I know me as well as God has given me insight to know me. Some things about me still remain a mystery. I often wonder if I'm not quite grasping something. Then at other times I wonder (due to my sinful prideful nature) if I'm one of the few that does grasp this. Then I return to thinking that I don't know what to think. Are you curious yet?
I'm unworthy, I'm wretched, and even my best intentions are full of selfish, prideful, critical and self seeking motivations. I play the piano at church, silently begging God that He would somehow bless someone with my music, despite the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. I've done puppets, praying that God would somehow use the foolish words that pop out of my mouth to teach a child of God's love. I spend so much energy of every action praying that somehow God would take my feeble, foolish actions and somehow make something good from it.
I have little to no creative talent when it comes to decorating things and my co-worker most definitely does, yet my co-worker always sends me out to get the supplies to make gift baskets for our clients. I always come back with bags full of various things, just hoping and praying that she will make something good out of it. That's how I feel about God. It comes naturally to me to hurt people, even when I'm not wanting to, it comes naturally to me to not love people that hurt or anger me, it comes natural to me to go with my first instincts rather than wait for God's will to become evident to me and worst of all, it comes as natural to me as breathing to speak my opinions trying to sway others rather than to hold my peace and simply pray that God would sway them.
The reason I question my beliefs on this is it seems like I should be living in some sort of joyous victory, that He has made me worthy and so now I am. And in a way I grasp that, because that is what gives me the greatest understanding of His love. But my beliefs concerning my unworthiness are what now hold me back from actions. It is what reminds me to not go with my first instincts, all the time, but to wait for God's leading and direction. It is what reminds me when I'm contemplating someone else's unworthiness for them, that God loves them, with the same love and mercy He's given me. And that, just like whoever I'm trying to criticize, I don't deserve that love.
Despite how serious a thought process this is for me, I wanted to leave you with a joke that I found in the comments of a new blog I've discovered. I'll be visiting there often, and would recommend you give it a look as well.
There's a joke I heard a long time ago, that comes from the definition of a Yiddish word:
Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
-Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"