Wondering out loud...

Here I am... just wondering out loud again.

In my wonderings though... I'm wondering what the world, the Christian world would be like, if we Christians stopped being sympathetic to each other.

We tend to be a little hard on the world, but entirely sympathetic with each other. Abortion, horrific, homosexuality - perverted, democrats.. just kidding. :)

You get my point though. We take the sins of the world and we make them into these big awful things that you don't want to have touch you, and would never taint your family.

Yet, our churches are full of sin. We gossip, we backbite, we're lazy, we're not good stewards of our money, we're poor employees, we're angry drivers, and we can be easily offended.

And those are the small sins. SMALL ones. Forget the crazy huge things (or at least as we size things, not God) like Jesus saying that if you even think about adultery, you're an adulterer. We don't want to talk about that do we.

But what if we did? What if we got fed up with ourselves (I say that because I'm fed up with me right now) and we said "You know what, SIN is SIN." God doesn't see a size, and I can't allow myself to either. SIN, is in my life, and God help me I want it out.

And we'd say it, we'd scream it, we'd cry it because every little ounce of sin stands between us having the absolutely perfect relationship with God. It holds us back from growth. Grow, grow, grow. Where you at is awesome, now GROW. And even if you're not growing, fertilize, water, whatever it takes to nourish the growth you want to achieve. And I wish the written word could convey the sudden tenderness in my heart as I say it's the growth that God wants you to achieve as well.

Gods will is always exciting and scary. It takes faith. And also a good understanding that God has forgiven you. Every day.

Ok... now when are we, and those around us, going to call our fear to be sin? When are we going to call hanging onto foolish pasts sinful? There are some things that I struggle with - and I get that. There are things that we'll struggle with. But I also know in my own life, that there are some lies, some fears, some doubts, that inside I know are not true but I allow myself to live them out.

I think I'm not good enough so I don't try.

I think I'm not the right person to speak so I don't speak.

I think I'm not wanted so I go away. (And for the record, I'm not talking about my church in this aspect... just wanted to make sure that's clear. My church loves me. I love them. 'Nuff said.)

But too often I think I'm too this, not enough that, worse than so-n-so, not spiritual enough, not whatever

so I don't.

What if our Christian brothers and sisters looked at us when we said those things and said "You know, that isn't true, it's a lie from the devil and acting on it rather than Gods promise to you and His declaration of who you are is a sin."

What if?

Seething Civility...

Ouch... it hurt to see myself.
Milton linked me to a blog that had this play linked on it along with the authors (Glen) take on it. I literally read it and winced. It's all about grace. Good grief. *sigh* Grace is too crazy hard.

Two old women finish their tea at a cafe in Lichfield. One holds the bill…
Anna: Oh, you. Now don’t be so utterly ridiculous.
Eva: I insist. I insist, my dear.
Anna: Absolutely not and I won’t hear another word from silly old you.
Eva: Well, I won’t hand it over.
Anna: You give it to me right now.
Eva: I won’t. I won’t, and that’s the end of it.
Anna: I can’t have you paying for this, can I?
Eva: You paid for the last tea.
Anna: And that was nearly a year ago, silly.
Eva: Exactly. Just put that wallet away now, you troublemaker.
Anna: That’s enough. Give it to me.
Eva: I’m going to pay and that’s that.
Anna: Then I’m putting some money in your purse.
Eva: You’re going nowhere near my purse.
Anna: I need to say thank you.
Eva: Then a simple thank you’s enough.
Anna: You know how I feel about this, dear.
Eva: Well, fair is fair.
Anna: I don’t believe it is fair, if you don’t mind.
Eva: Then you can take me out for a nice meal next time, can’t you?
Anna: This is my treat.
Eva: It is completely my treat and I want to pay. The end.
Anna: No. [Pause]
Eva: Now sit down. I’m just going to put it on my credit card and we’ll go on with our lovely afternoon.
Anna: Tell me how much it is.
Eva: And we’ll see the dahlias out in Biddulph.
Anna: I’ll sit right here then. I’ll just sit.
Eva: Well, you’re being silly.
Anna :You’re being silly.
Eva: I don’t want your money. A simple thank you is fine.
Anna: I’d like to give you some money.
Eva: Just say thank you now. Just say it.


Ok, now Click here to see Glen (From Christ the Truth) expound on the play. Really. If you're anything like me, only click the link if you dare.

HT to Milton at Transforming Sermons for this link to "Christ The Truth"

So, the home depot lady...

...tried to give my kid to someone else.

I'm standing at the Home Depot aisle, trying to figure out what I need to get , Bell is standing a few feet away from me literally walking around in circles. She stops, and a Home Depot lady comes up to her and goes on about how cute, and 'do you want to come home with me?" and holding out her hands to see if Bell will come to her and let her hold her.

At the beginning of all this I stopped what I was doing and went to stand next to Bell. I don't know how to describe why I feel it's necessary to do specific things like this, but I believe, firmly, she always ought to know that I got her back. Even if she doesn't understand it.

So, I'm standing there, next to Bell. When the lady says, "well come on... come with me." She's motioning to Bell, and Bell toddles off after her while looking back at me. I put a stop to things because I don't want her walking off with strangers, even though her entire last two months has been about trying to help her get accustomed to strangers. I'm stopping Bell, and telling her that she should only go with people if I say it's ok and the Home Depot lady looks at me, the lady still beside Bell, and says "Oh, she belongs to you?"

She pointed three aisles over to some Hispanic guy and said she thought they went together and she was trying to give my kid to him.

Lesson learned.... don't turn your back on your kids. It might not be some pervert trying to hurt your kid, it could just be a mistaken but helpful person trying to do something good. Watch your kids. All the time. All. The. Time.

Wake up.

It use to be that if you heard a sermon that hit too close to home you'd say it was like the preacher was reading your mail.

In this case, it's like the preacher was reading my blog.

Last night the speaker apparently read my blog, then came to church and spoke to me.

He said that people believe God has the power to do stuff... we have faith for that - we just don't believe He'll do it for us. Does that sound familiar? That's because I wrote it back in "Where are the miracles?"

Then he tried to dissect the reason we don't believe He will do stuff, and at least to my ears, the main reason He hit was Shame. Does that sound familiar? "My Confession"

It's too easy to remember who you were, and to let those things hold onto you. It's easy to see who you see yourself to be in all your messy shame and guilt and lack of measuring up. It's incredibly hard to see yourself as the person that God thought could help children, or minister in a church, or change the way a company does business.

When we look into the mirror, we see the old man. Because the new man is an inner change typically. We can't see the newness on the outer layer typically. But, when God looks at us, He - somehow despite our messy sins - sees the new man.
It's pretty hard for me to see that though. And that's why I only feel qualified to do the things the old man can do. Cause it seems like that's who I'm working with.

But it ain't.

My pastor yesterday morning was reading from 1 Corinthians 15. He was reading somewhere else in it, but while he was getting to where he wanted I was looking at the verses and one really stood out to me. It was 1 Cor. 15:34
Awake to righteousness, and sin not; for some have not the knowledge of God: I speak this to your shame.

I found it a challenging verse because people are usually so sympathetic, so kind about you not living up to what God wants you to be. They accept that you're failing, or making mistakes, or whatnot, because they don't want to appear to have judged you (heaven forbid!) or for a myriad of other reasons.
But here, Paul says AWAKE. Sleeping is necessary, but if you're asleep during a moment when someone expects you to be awake it's typically not a good thing. So Paul says WAKE UP, wake up to righteousness - and then he tells us that people don't have knowledge of God and that is to our shame.

I can keep on sleeping, saying that I can't do such and such, or get past the past or let go of my fears. But those are the things that are holding me back from giving people the knowledge of God. I speak that to my own shame.

So maybe no one else will be bold enough to tell you to let go of the past because people are dying without God - but maybe you'll be bold enough to tell yourself. Shame on us. Wake up.

I feel the Joy of the Lord

This song started running through my head this morning, and my mouth as well - it's a very good thing I only seem to get toddlers who don't verbalize enough to tell on me for some of the strange things I do while doing the laundry, making beds and such. Because todays song was an old favorite of mine.

"I feel the joy"

We sang it once at an old church that I went to, and I was bound and determined that we had to shout the chorus, and somehow... I'm still not sure how... I managed to get people stuck in the back row with me to shout with me during practice times and somehow it just stayed through our actual performance for the service. To me, maybe no one else, it was the best performance our choir ever did. I was profoundly, and I do mean profoundly disappointed that not a single person was moved from their sitting position. But that's a story for another day.

This morning I went looking for the words because I hate singing only half a song. And I found a youtube video of a church singing the song. (Seriously - there's a youtube video for everything.)
I'm not sure if anyone watches the videos I put on here - please let me tell you how awesome comments are, I even accept anonymous ones - it's pretty easy.... hint hint wink wink nudge nudge.

BUT, in case no one watches this video, I dissected it for you. Dissection is below the video, and below that are the words to the song since it's a little hard to catch all the words from the video.








:15 1 hand is raised.
:30 Movement is noted from the clappers.
:38 A slight bouncy motion begins from some of the people.
:41 - 55 Brown suit guy from the side slowly and clappingly makes his way to right in front of the platform.
:52 Happy white shirted background singer (on our right) starts bouncing.
:57 This count shows 3 hands are raised.
:59 Brown suit in front of platform begins bouncing.
1:03 Those 3 hands that were up are now waving.
1:12 Brown suit in front of platform is dancing now. Go him!
1:30 If asked what happened, I'd swear that the brown suit guy found deliverance. Also, the majority of the visible crowd is solidly bouncy.
1:56 I'm noticing that the closer you are to the platform the bouncier you are.
2:18 Even the non-bouncy people further back are unable to just stand still while they clap now.
2:35 Finally the lead singer gets the bounce.
2:48 Coming from our right side - a man runs across the screen.
2:54 Dark suited man appears briefly on the right side of the screen dances a circle and dances right back out of screen.
2:55 Something gets on the dark suited background singer (towards the middle) and he gets the bounce.
4:05 Excited white shirt guy in the front-ish row, apparently runs off to go have a jubilee.
5:03 I sit back and enjoy the fact that the last 5:03 minutes these people from Lighthouse Pentecostal Church in Beebe Arkansas got to have a jubilee.


The lyrics to the song:

"I Feel The Joy"

I'm a little tired of the devil's games
keeping me in bondage from my sorrows and shames
I deserve better I won't go another day
I'm here to claim deliverance in Jesus name

I feel the joy of the Lord falling fresh on me
I feel the joy of the Lord delivering me
I feel the joy of the Holy Ghost all over me

Now I have royal blood flowing through my veins
I'm a child of the king I've been buried in his name
there is no devil that can come against me
I've been bought I've been blessed and I've been set free.

I have been loosed I've been set free
So pardon me a moment while I have a jubilee
The Joy of the Holy Ghost is all over me

See you later - Church

It seems odd to come home from church and write this, but I want to write it while the emotions are still fresh.

I have hope. I have hope in a better relationship with God. I have hope in a better fellowship with my brethren (even if I.. um.. don't have any right now).
I have hope.

I've been too quiet.
Hindsight being 20/20 tonight, I unloaded just a little bit before I left the church (nothing violent or regrettable, just some concerns that I've kept to myself) and I realized how much better life would have been if I had talked to people months ago. I have foolish thoughts sometimes that can only be dispelled by bringing them into the light of day. But at some point I stopped talking to people. Never once saying "Hey, this concerns me."

I love my church, my people, I love how they sat in the heat and watched the icing run on their cakes just to sell stuff to get a sign for the church. I love how they sweated in the heat to mow the yard and clean up stuff around the church.
I love how they held Bell, and loved on her.
I love how I know, without a doubt, that if I had ever called on any one of them and said I had a problem, they would have prayed. Regardless of the hour or the strangeness of my problem.
I love how I know that they pray believing - and that especially when they get together on something, their prayers are often answered. A few times, they've even been answered in ways that should have been published in a newspaper in my opinion.
I love these people.

So what I'm about to say, is simply voicing fears and doubts. I don't have one complaint against these people.

I worried about worshipping God there. Worried that by worshipping with all that is in me, I would interfere with their worship. Twice in the last few services I was only one standing up or clapping during a song service and I kept wondering if it didn't dampen their ability to worship. It seems foolish to write it out, but when everyone in a church worships one way, and you worship in another way - it just feels like your worship is intrusive.

That fear seeped into the way I played as well. I wanted to play with everything that was in me - and most often I did anyway... but as I left I kept thinking that I'd been too loud, made the song too fast, and just put too much into the song. In the last month or so, as I've been trying to truly give the worship services my everything, I would literally be tired as I left the piano. I had worked up there, poured myself onto the piano and worshipped as best I could with those keys. But, there, my worship still seemed different from others.

I came in tonight, and most of the congregation was gathered around a little, (absolutely darling) little girl singing "Jesus Loves Me". And my mind goes back to singing with my niece and nephew and how our favorite song was "We're goin' up to the high places (to tear the devils kingdom down)". And it was just one more cue that said to me that everyone in this church is singing one song, and I'm singing a different tune.

All my other concerns, fears, and confusions are just things that can and should be ignored. But the one thing that can't be ignored is that I don't belong there. I've burdened them with children they really didn't have anyone to care for, I've pushed where pulling was required, I've probably judgementally demanded change from people as I wished they could sing my tune. I've wanted to be loud. And they want quiet.

My apologies go to them, I'm sorry for everything I've put you all through this past... however long it's been since I joined that church. I'm sorry I can't fit into the mold that the church majority obviously wants.

BUT.

My biggest apology is that I believe, firmly, that I'm going to come back. And when I do, I'm going to once again burden you with children you don't have people to care for. I'm going to be loud, and worship to my different tune than you all. I'm going to keep pushing to your pull, and probably aggravate you with my piano playing - because even though you may have a piano player by then, I bet I'll still get to play once in a while. And I'll be so grateful to bother you.

I'm going to whine and moan probably, and scare myself even a few times. But I know my Savior loves me and leads me through paths of righteousness for His names sake. I'm here. I'm His, and He is mine. I'm going to go away now church, and grow - I believe I am really going to grow - but I'll be back.

I'll be back because I want to keep growing. And I've grown more at this church than any other church before. I've received the gift of tongues while attending this church - and this very morning, when a message in tongues was given, I received an interpretation. I doubt I would have been bold enough, this first time, to give the interpretation, but I knew what it was and it perfectly matched the words of the interpreter when it was given. I want more. And you, my quiet, other tune singing people, that I love dearly, have blessed me.

Take care of yourselves, all of you, I need you to be there when I come back.

Intentional growth

Despite how nervous I am about the future - I wonder if this might be the greatest time of spiritual growth in my life. Of course, that's if I survive it. :)

The reason for that thought is simply this:

If I grow, it will be because I did it intentionally.

There will be no routines or scheduled traditions that just accidentally grow me a little bit during each service or something.

It'll happen because I decided to grow, and put great effort into it.

I think, a lot of Christians grow, slowly, barely, because they're just doing what they do, and sometimes, randomly, small doses of growth just happen.

I won't have that luxury anymore.

Are you basking in that luxury? Or have you decided to grow?

It's the difference between "I have decided to follow Jesus" and "I have decided to sit around other Jesus-likers."

Goosebumps

Ok I'm really enjoying the new blog I found. If you'll notice, his blog is taking over my google reader shared items. A plug once again, for "Christ Is Deeper Still"
I'm going to have to stop just because moderation is always a beautiful thing, but I wanted to share one more video I found at his site.

I watched it waiting for something to happen,... about 20 seconds into it I realized what was happening and I spent the remaining seconds with goosebumps.

This, again, is awesome.

On his blog it was titled Psalms 47:1 in Africa.

I found a new blog

I discovered a new blog thanks to Bob over at In The Clearing.

The Blog is called "Christ Deeper Still", so far, everything I've read has been really really GOOD. I'm hoping to dig further, but one of the very first things I hit on the blog was this video. And it was just incredible.

Watch the video... you've got a few minutes, it's certainly worth it. And, if you're just stuborn and won't watch the video take this quote from it at least:

"May the Lamb that was slain, receive the reward of His suffering!"

Sloppy.

I was watching a movie this afternoon, and in it, some of the characters were publishing a magazine called "Perfect".
Every article they produced told you how to live the perfect life. How to eat right, how to organize, how to make the best decisions, how to follow your heart, how to deal with past regret,... perfect. A Perfect Life.

For the past 6, almost 7 years my life has been anything but perfect. And thank God.

I serve an awesome God who is King over the sloppy. My messy decisions, my messy praise, my messy love, my messy hopes, my messy unrefined life. He's King.
In all the messiness, I bet He doesn't care where I go to church. Yet He cares a great deal where I follow Him to church.

He's King, through my every mistake, through my uneloquent prayers, and through my sappy attempts at witnessing. He's King, when I play the piano too loud during a quiet worship service. King, when I can't find anything to say to someone that's hurting. King, when I praise Him, then sin.

He's King of sloppy lives.

He's King even though I sin, and let Him down. King when I don't spend enough time with Him. King when I fail to listen to Him, King when I hurt someone else. He's King over my sloppiness. I think He may have even created me to be so sloppy. He created me to sit on the grass in my good jeans.
He created me to be late to something if I need to help someone. He created me to wipe up baby poop, snotty noses, and hearthurt tears.
He created me.
He created my relationship with Him, and teaches me daily how to develop it.
He created me to play.
He created me to dance.

He didn't create me to fear, and doubt, and worry and hurt - but He did create all the sloppy people that caused me to do those things.

He created me to believe, and hope, and forget the world while focusing on the people in the world that need Him. He created me to believe for the impossible. Unfortunately, He created in me a nature that has me believing in the impossible in the sloppiest methods possible.

I believe in foolishness.

And, He created a book on how to live a perfect life - but He defined perfect far differently than we did. Because His book on perfection is full of sloppy people.
Sloppy people just like me.

Helpless - Control - Links - Church

This is my last Sunday at my church.

The most interesting thing about it is how I feel. I'm not looking forward to leaving, but I know I can't stay. In a way, I've got a rather sinking feeling that what I'm about to do is bound for failure. I think without having a stable church to go to, that going to church, getting up on Sundays and choosing to go somewhere, even though I don't know where... will be the hardest thing to choose.

And I think there might be days when I simply choose not to.

Those are the days I worry about.

I'm nervous about the discouragement that comes from not having a church family.

Someone called "A Credible Source" commented and so I trucked over to see their blog, and one of their posts caught my eye. It was called "Control" and it was about the twists between control and helplessness.
The authors words about being helpless and the verse they quoted really spoke to some of the things I've been thinking about lately.
It climbed right in the boat of thought with something that Steven Furtick said on his blog about how our steps are ordered by God... including our failures.

The future, only looks hard. It looks a little bit lonely. And I hope I somehow come out of the next year more graciously than I've existed in this year. Cause lets face it, I didn't look too good this year.

God sees though, and He's powerful enough to hold onto me.
The whole reason to step into this next year though, is simply because I'm trying to walk in His will. Am I helpless? Nah, I could stop at any time, go back to the safety of my old church -assuming I manage to not alienate people with my exit - and simply be 'ok'.

I don't want that though. I want so much more. I want to walk down the steps God orders, even if it means I get confused in my efforts and fall on my face. I want to .... so many things, so very much...

I want it all.

3 words.

Trust in God.

Singing with your mind too.

If you could see where Jesus brought me from, and where I am today, then you would know the reason why I love Him so. From "It's My Desire"


I've always loved that line from the song "It's my desire" It's the best part of the entire song, though the verses have great words as well.


Maybe I'm just too much of a hanger-oner, but I've got a lot of picture memories locked inside my head. As I sing "If you could see where Jesus brought me from" I can close my eyes and easily remember the countless times I would drive home from church, park in my driveway and then simply lean against the steering wheel and cry because I just couldn't get what everyone else seemed to have.

When I sing "Amazing Grace", every time I get to the verse that mentions "through many dangers toils and snares, we have already come" I can close my eyes and remember walking through the airport corridor on September 10th, 2001 unable to make my flight to Buffalo NY, where I would have been stranded for quite some time.

When I sing "When I think about the Lord" and I get to the line "how He filled me with the Holy Ghost" I remember driving in my car, on the way back from foster parent training and beginning to sing in the Holy Spirit - my very first step into tongues.

So many songs that I sing, have me thinking to myself through much of the song. From "At Calvary" I can't sing "Years I spent in vanity and pride caring not my Lord was crucified" without nodding to myself and saying what a jerk I was back then.

From "Look what the Lord has done" I can't sing "He saved me just in time" without thinking of the many times I thought about giving up on life.

I guess that's why I'm so into music. Music, the words, mean something. Sure they were put there because of the rhyme, or because they fit timing-wise, but they still mean something. The words are not meant to just be sung. The words have already been lived and now they're just meant to be remembered".

No one ever just looks at a photograph and doesn't connect themselves mentally to "that's my uncle bob" or "just after Joe took that picture, Jane sneezed so hard her glasses fell off"
Photos help you relive moments that you might have forgotten about. They bring back details or who was there, or what the place looked like, or how sparse the Christmas tree used to be when you were only 4.

That's exactly what music can do for you too.

When I sing those words "If you could see where Jesus brought me from" and I remember the feeling of just not being able to grasp onto God, of not getting what every other Christian 'got', the hopelessness and futility of trying to be accepted by a God that I could only assume had gotten tired of me and my sinful self - I can't help but shake with utter relief as I reach the words "Then you would know, the reason why I love Him so."

Sing. Live. Relive. Glorify Him.

Good News/Bad News

The Good News:
Something has definitely died at my house, and I'm hoping it's that stupid mouse.


The Bad News:
Something has definitely died at my house, and I'm thinking it's that stupid mouse.

Whole

800 posts. This is post 801. I've been posting, fairly regularly since September of 2005. 3 years.
And yet still some things simply don't change.

I need God. More today than yesterday.

At church Sunday night, we were watching a video of a church service and at the end, they had an altar call. As they sang "He Touched Me", I sang quietly along to song "...He touched me, and made me whole" until it finally hit me.

I'm not whole.

And I know a lot of people, Christians, that just aren't whole. We sing that song, and we love that song, but it's just not true.
Maybe not every one of us, but, a large portion of the ones that I know well enough to know their stories, are still broken. They still wake up fearful in the night, have trust issues, anger issues, and warped views of God. They still hold people at a distance, or drag people too close because they're afraid to let go. You still have to walk on eggshells around them because you can't accidentally step on their issues - a mistake that could leave both of you bruised.
We're still broken.
I'm still broken.

There are times when even I think I'm whole. Two years ago, my writing had a very different tone. It felt like with every post I was growing and healing, and timidity was going away as strength and boldness just seemed to seep out of me. With every passing day, I felt more and more whole.

That's the special thing about tension and pressure, it exposes the cracks. You can fool yourself, right up until you put the pressure on and that's when you see the smooth finish isn't what you thought it was, as the gaping cracks mar the surface.

I don't just want glued cracks. I want to be whole.
And I don't just want me to be whole.
I want you to be whole too.

I know too many Christians that can't get past that event that happened when they were 7, or 12, or even 40. They can't get over that divorce, the guilt of the addiction, the shame of the adultery, the childhood, the betrayal, the abuse. Whatever it is, no matter how many times you sing "He Touched Me, and made me whole", it still won't be true.
Till He actually makes you whole.

In the Gaither Homecoming video "Heaven" (thanks JW & Glenda for the video so I didn't have to keep watching my TIVO version) Joni Erickson Tada says something along the lines of how it's not that our memories will be erased when we get to Heaven, but that we will still have our bad memories - but there will be no need to remember them. (video link to her quote)

And I wonder if that's not more what 'Whole" looks like. It's not about not having cracks, but that the cracks don't go all the way through to your spirit, the part that actually makes your judgement calls, or tells you what to think or say. But they are there, should the opportunity arise where you would need to remember, you'll be able to use your experience to help someone - but it no longer has the power over you for the worse.

I want to be whole. I want you to be whole. I want Jesus.

Foster Parenting

So, this weekend I turned around and discovered, much to my surprise, a good sized wad of poop lying on the floor. I feel the need to state that it was fresh... it's not like guests walk in and randomly find these little presents. It is one of those things that I'm assuming most people that have toddlers can find themselves nodding in complete understanding.
It's one of those memories though, that once the clean up is done it leaves you chuckling with the strange twists a day can take.
As I grabbed some cleaning supplies though, the song "One day at a time" came to mind.
One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from you
Give me the strength to do every day
What I have to do

Then tonight, CPS came into my house and said a word that for this entire placement - 43 days- they hadn't mentioned. Prior to tonight, I felt safe. I imagined my awesome Bell being here for quite some time.
Tonight they said she could be gone in 30 days. Possibly less.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. Today, a Monday was a crazy busy day at work, mental scheduling to 20 new hires, timesheets, overdue timesheet reports, audits, 2 checklists that need to be done, 1 huge list that needs to be done ASAP, dinner for Bell that won't upset her stomach, school supplies since daycare gave me a new list, oh, laundry, where's that blanket? when's this next appt.?cps comes tonight when does arrow come next? do I have arrows reports done? training hrs, I bet I need to get in for infant cpr/first aid soon....

I almost can't control those thoughts. They just burst through every moment of every day. And those are the easy ones. Yet when Ms. CPS said her magic little word - every thought came crashing to a stop. Every ounce of my attention focused in that moment. It's funny how someone can sit on your chest, without ever touching you.

Every night, praying with Bell before bedtime, we pray, fervently that Gods will would be done in her life, and her situation. His perfect will, done on earth as it would be in done in Heaven.
It was harder to pray that tonight. It just took me by surprise.
It's the nature of the work though.
Smile, love with everything you've got, and pray God's perfect will anyway. No matter where it leads you.

We finished up bedtime prayers and I went about all the crazy little chores that get done after she's off to bed and then, out of nowhere, the rest of the song came to mind -
Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus,
And tomorrow may never be mine.
Help me today,
Show me the way
One day at a time

I've got a good God. He sees little Bell, beautiful, smiling, happy Bell. I wish I could show you my favorite picture of her, so you could see this gorgeous smile. As much as I've claimed her, and she was very easy to claim, oh so easy to claim, and love, and cherish, she's never been mine. Only Gods. He will not abandon His girl now. Whether I've got her or not.

Jesus here's another child to hold
Keep this child safe and warm
This world can be so cold.
Take this child in Your arms,
And never let her go -
Jesus here's another child
Jesus, here's my precious child,
Jesus here's another child to hold.

Random Question

When you intercede on my behalf, Jesus, what is Your prayer?

Growing pains.

They called and said "Her temp is at 102. something" I told them what to give her and that I was coming.
Not 5 minutes later, they called back and said it was 103.6.

I thought that I knew what was happening, so I wasn't overly concerned, but I did want that temperature down. I prayed the medicine they gave her at their first call would work quickly.
I drove to get her, praying that God would touch this precious tyke.

I picked her up, and they gave me the stuff she'd thrown up on, so I could wash it.
I held her and immediately saw what I expected. Her cheek was swollen.
For the last two days I thought she'd started cutting a new tooth.

I brought her home, and we rested. We curled up in a huge chair and slept. Her temperature broke, but the pain was still obvious when she looked at me and squinted her eyes.

I babied her, and held her, kissed her, doctored her, and did all the typical things of sticking my finger in her mouth looking at her stubborn gum that was screaming at a tooth struggling to break through.

She sat, and she rested and whined.

Then I toughened up and said this baby needs a bath.
We can sit here whining and moaning about these growing pains, or we can keep going. So we kept going. She's moved from whining and crying to singing some song I don't know, rather loudly, in the bathtub.

Growing pains are hard. That's why they call them pains. But, spiritually speaking, every time a growing pain hits, I can't just sit down and doctor the pain. There are things to be done, I have to keep myself clean, I have to buy supplies for next week, I have to start the laundry or no one will want us around next week. Growing pains are not injuries that should hospitalize you until you regain your health. And despite the fever and vomiting, growing pains are not a sickness that requires a week of bedrest.

They are simply what they are. Growing - and pains.
Growing hurts.
So if you find yourself hurting, wondering where God is, wondering where faith is, wondering where hope, grace, mercy and trust went - it could just be you're going through growing pains.
If you find yourself helplessly lonely and wondering why God has forsaken you - it could just be you're going through growing pains.
If you find yourself hurting, desperately broken and unable to find your foundation - it could just be you're going through growing pains.

Here's the clincher.

Bell has a little bit of a cold right now. A cough, and a runny nose. So I could easily assume the sudden fever and vomiting are because of that.
But I know it's not. Don't ask me how I know. I just know. I know the fever and sickness were because of this tooth.

It's important, to know your life, your spiritual life, well enough to figure out what is sickness and what is growing pains. (I say that, easily, knowing that in my own life that discernment is far lacking.)
It's also important to realize that growing pains don't just happen when you're well. It's not just one or the other. Though I typically lump all lifes issues into one bundle.

Life, is awesome. God is awesome. But, if you ask Bell.. and if she could really speak.. she'd tell you that sometimes life doesn't feel awesome. Sometimes it feels whiny.
She'd also tell you it's fun to play with the bathtub stopper. Even when you're sick.

Hard is better than easy.

It's a little hard to trust God with me.

Sometimes, on the darker days, I wonder if God's just forever focused on the list of things He wants me to do, that He's forgotten about me. In other words, I feel much akin to how a 4 yr old feels when his new baby brother or sister shows up and steals all the attention. In other words, it's childish. I understand that.

On the best days, I'm right there with God saying "Let US do this" I'm into Gods plan and it's become my passion as well. It's a passionate, exciting and beautiful thing. It gives you energy, and hope that the world can actually change.

On those other days, days like this one, I sit, wondering about the will of God. Confident, at least in this moment, that where ever He leads me, I'll survive. But here's the kicker... trusting Him with other people.

I really believe that the coming season is for a reason. A very good reason. But my heart is aching with the knowledge that I've discouraged people by telling them I'm leaving. I'm not a pivotal figure in the church - the church won't fall apart without me, there are other people that can play the piano so they won't go music-less... it's not that big a deal.
But, just based on what I've seen so far, my most earnest prayer is that those I leave behind won't be discouraged. That God would grant hope, and peace, and faith for a beautiful future that really might need me out of the way in order to come to pass.

It's hard to trust God with them. It's hard to imagine them going through sorrowful times in this next year that I be going through it beside them, it's hard to watch the sorrow I see so many of them going through right now (over other things - not me, I'm not that arrogant!) already. Whether they're learning great things "walking a mile with sorrow" or not. It's harder to trust God for other people besides yourself.

Not to say He's not trustworthy, not to say He doesn't take care of them, not to say even that I don't spend half my thought life imagining that He's probably happier with each of them than He is with me. All I'm saying is that it's hard.

But that's a good thing. If it were easy I'd get all torn up wondering why it was so easy.

What's wrong with trying?

I've heard a lot of emphasis on how Christianity isn't meant to be hard. You shouldn't have to 'try' so hard. God's pleased with you anyway. God loves you anyway. It's not about your try try try. The work is already finished. And it's not your work to do anyway.

But, tonight I must be grumpy, because I'm grumpily wondering what's so blasted wrong with trying? Trying to do better, trying harder to do the right thing, trying to change, trying to be what you're suppose to be.

There have been some miracle moments in me that God has worked where, what I'm suppose to do has just come easily. I wanted to do it, I didn't want to not do it, and I was happy to be able to do it.

But a lot of times... well, it just hasn't worked that way.

Sometimes, I wake up and I don't want to read the bible, I'd rather hit snooze than pray, and this afternoon, when it was raining and I was on my way back to work with lunch - I didn't want to stop and pick up the two folks walking down the road. Cause my food would've gotten cold.

I could blithely stand back and say "It's not about me trying" "The work is done", but the truth is sometimes doing what you're suppose to do means doing something you don't feel like doing. And every time you fail, sure, you pray, but you also try harder.

God's never woken me up 30 minutes early, turned my light on, propped me up against a wall and laid a bible on my lap open to the chapter and verse he wanted me to read.
He's never struck me mentally incapacitated when my mind turned towards sinful thoughts.
He's never kicked me in the back of the knee, causing me to fall into a kneeling position.
He's never once, unfortunately, caused my phone line to die, before I said something foolish to a friend.

There's a reason Paul uses the word "press" toward the mark. He didn't say he strolled toward the mark. He didn't say he 'went' 'sauntered' 'walked' or 'cheerfully danced'.
He pressed.

My salvation, sure, it's covered. That work is done.
But MY work, isn't. And God really does have a work for each one of us here on this earth. He's done his ultimate part, but He still helps us do our part too. My salvation might not be dependant on me trying hard enough to do what He wants me to do. But, what if someone elses is? What if whatever height He's trying to get me to attain to is the exact spot where I'll me John Doe and my life, thanks to God and a lifetime of trying, will be just the witness Doe needs.

I don't know.

You don't know either.

So stop telling me not to try or that it's not necessary. Because, my fellow Christian, pressing toward the mark is hard enough without you telling me to chill out.

Ashes

Imagine pulling out a nice tupperware bowl, heading over to your fireplace or bbq grill, and filling up your container with ashes. You then take great pains to wipe off the edges of your container, placing the lid tightly on so that you don't lose anything.

Then, you place your tupperware container full of ashes gingerly in your car and drive to the grocery store. You load a small handbasket with just the basics, you need milk, bread, and some lunchmeat. You take your basket of goods, and your tuperware container of ashes to the checkout counter.

The girl behind the counter informs you that will be $5.72 please.

You hand her the tupperware container of ashes as payment.
I'm sure you have a good idea of what would happen.

But what's God do?

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. Isaiah 61:3

I walked a mile with pleasure

I was listening to a radio preacher this evening and heard this quote attached to this verse. I just thought I'd put it together here, because I thought it was really good.

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When sorrow walked with me.
Robert Browning Hamilton

Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer. Psalms 4:1

Just keep walking...

It's about obedience.

What are you not willing to do?
What one thing do you put before God in your heart?


We all have those taboo areas in our lives where we wish we could keep God out. And it's those places that He most wants to enter. It's those places, that regardless of how mundane, or small sounding they are... the are the huge craters that gap between us and God. Even though we consider them as petty little dips in the road.

God has a different measuring scale than we do.

Something I've definitely learned from being a parent. When a child is put in strange, and unusual situations they reach out for the #1 person they know they can trust. They'll cling, and stay close.
They're also unpredictable. Prone to crying fits, and tantrums.

Same thing applies to crazy adult kids like me. Take me away from home Lord, and I'm going to cling. But I might cry too. But in this time, I'm going to hold onto You harder than ever. I need something I can trust, and know is sound. I need something, that no matter what else changes in my life, I know will never change. And someone that, regardless of my opinion on the changes, I can still trust to be working the best for me.

...........


I heard a song today that I just couldn't seem to fit in my understanding. The lyrics just constantly repeated about how they would love God, serve God and whatnot through the bad times. It was one of the few songs on the radio that I just couldn't sing along with. It just sounded self-glorifying. As though God should feel honored that we wouldn't quit.

Bully for us.

I think songs like that are best sung in... and only in a storm. Because, as I've learned, you really don't know what you'll do in a storm. No matter how well you do, no matter what you've promised or sung to God... you never know when you'll find yourself out of the safety of the boat looking down at the waves and realizing danger is all around you.

So I guess I wouldn't sing that I'll praise God in the storm. But just pray that God will prepare me for the storm. And hope that in the storm, I'll sing His praise.

Don't leave me.

My beautiful Bell. I'll have had her 5 weeks tomorrow. And she's been absolutely fantastic. Once we got past the first week of awful - life could not have been more pleasant with my new beautiful, fearless, helpful, and super smart babe.

Then yesterday, we were going to go out to eat with someone so I moved her car seat from my car to the other persons car.
It seriously, seriously, freaked her out. She screamed and cried, and gave me that look that I just can't describe for you. I told her specifically what was going to happen.
"We're going to put the car seat in here so you can ride, then we'll go eat lunch, and then we'll come back home, to here, and you can go take a nap in your bed."
Nothing.
I buckled her, screaming, into the car continuously telling her what exactly was happening and that everything was ok.
I walked around the car and climbed in and sat down.
Instantly the crying stopped.
She took one of those pitiful shuddering breaths and held her hand out to me. With a sober and tear-stained face, she watched me and held my hand.

Remembering her intense fear at what she deemed was going to be a change, still grips my heart. But in there, also, I saw a lesson.

Whatever happens God, where ever I go, who ever I go there with, don't leave me or I will fall to pieces too.

2 more Sundays

It's interesting the contradictions that go on around me. In the last several days I've heard lots of different messages.
"People say they've heard from God, but it was just their emotions."
"Go where God leads you."
"Sometimes you can head into something and realize God wasn't in it at all."
"Trust God, and He will make a path for you."

And then, the next day, I kid you not, I heard a sermon on how God puts you on a path sometimes that leads to a dead end, frustration, hurt and confusion. He does this to teach you. So you can't tell if the path is Gods or not based on how easy the path is.

As the day gets closer - I've only got two Sundays left - I find myself tensing up. Am I sure this is God?We had a guitar player start trying to play this morning - if I leave will he still feel confident enough to play with someone else? Or will he be too nervous to play and quit if they try and have him play by himself since no one else really wants to play the piano?

We've had new people show up in the last few weeks, and this seems like a rotten time for me to walk away.At the same time, I've told myself several times that God doesn't need me. I mean that in the best way. God isn't up there wringing his hands wondering what He'll do if I leave the church. Or grinding His teeth wondering if so-n-so is listening to his call to come to the church so they'll have another piano player.

On a personal note, a deep black personal note, I realize that my absence as a piano player will be noticed. But my absence as a person... not so much. As kind as they've been, their great loss will be the loss of a piano player - not me.
I never really gave myself to the church I suppose. And in the last months, as I grew more and more unhappy, I really stepped away from these people that were suppose to be my family. Maybe sometime in this journey, I'll learn how to be a person. Not just a talent.

Today feels bittersweet. We had our church fellowship today and it's the last one I'll have the pleasure of attending. Two Sundays left. It's more bitter than sweet.
What am I doing God? Are You sure? Am I sure? Even if this ends in utter failure, and proves to be a mistake - remember Lord, that this whole thing is done just to be pleasing to You. The people in the wings, in the background, aren't sure about the show I'm putting on. Maybe I've got the wrong script. But watch and see Lord, for this performance is entirely for You. And if I'm on the wrong act, give me the words You'd rather I be saying instead of what I'm doing now.

An Audience of One

If you google the term "Audience of One", a lot of stuff comes up. "Audience of One" is a documentary, a devotional, a song, a website address, a singing group, a book, a blog, a worship ministry, and a website design company. I'm sure it's more, but I got tired of making the list.

I happened to see it, originally, on the website of Steven Furtick. He was talking about a new book called "200 Pomegranates and an Audience of One". And I guess, for me, and so many other people that liked the term well enough to name their ministries after it, the term really stood out.

This week I've slowly started telling people that I'm leaving my church. And I got a very strong reaction. I actually made someone angry at me. They said I was needed at my church. And, seeing as I was not moved by the weight of obligation, they began listing reason after reason why I shouldn't leave.

There's nothing better out there.
Gas prices are too high to go driving around looking for churches.
You're needed there.
There's no reason to leave.
I'll get really discouraged not having a home church.
A person needs a home church.
There just isn't anything better out there.
You're needed there.

I don't get upset about people being angry with me, as a general rule. It's the fact that they don't agree with me that bothers me. The fact that they're angry seems to be more their problem than mine. Well, most of the time anyway.

But the weight of their frustration with me seemed to be like a chain that was really dragging my spirits down. Until I read the phrase "Audience of One".
It's hard to always remember who you're audience is. There's so many people in the background of your life, that you tend to fill the audience with those people. It's harder to imagine walking out on a huge auditorium and performing to a massive theatre with literally thousands of seats, yet only one is filled. (Or three if you want to include the Trinity) :)

I want to put my church in the audience of my life, my friends, my family, my co-workers, my foster kids,... for cryin' out loud, pretty much any random stranger that can see me from a distance I want to put in that audience.

But when I'm on this stage called life, all those people, are suppose to be behind me, hiding in the curtains crossing their fingers that I get my lines and movements right. And as my life plays out the only person really there to see the show - is God.

What's up.

Just a few updates.

I turned a baby away. She's 2 days old, doesn't even have a name, and I can only pray to God that she's ok. I'll be the first to tell you that all foster parents aren't evil perverted creeps that hurt kids and neglect them while trying to get a paycheck from the state.
But, based on some of the phone calls I've received, I'll be the first to tell you that there are a lot of evil perverted creeps that hurt kids and neglect them while trying to get a paycheck from the state.

It literally made me sick to my stomach to say that it just wasn't feasible for me to take her. I pray she's ok.

Jesus here's another child to hold
Keep this child safe and warm
This world can be so cold
Take this child in Your arms
And never let her go.
Jesus here's another child to hold.

*sigh*

Beyond all that, I've taken over part of my brothers paper route while he's on vacation. I worried a lot over how it would affect Bell, and have to give God a lot of credit as to how well it's gone. The weekend will be here before we know it and it will give us both time to catch up on lost sleep - and next week, after Monday, we're through.

I forgot how much I enjoyed the paper route. Driving the streets of the city at 3am is really peaceful.

Meanwhile, I'm too sleepy to write coherently. Goodnight.

The next best thing

There are so many best things about being a Christian, that my title is meant to reflect that this is just one of many best things. Not the second to the best.

And it is -

Get this:


Communion.


I've written a couple of times about how I just didn't feel like I could take communion. I don't feel that way anymore.
SLW referred me to a blog and as I was reading through, the writer, Julie, talked several times about the joy of communion. And while I spent half my time at her blog kind of squinting at things that I didn't jive with too well, her posts on communion did remind me of something that I'm looking forward to.
Communion.

I'm thinking we might have it tomorrow, because I believe we were trying to get on a schedule of the 2nd Sunday of the month. Just in time. :)
I could be entirely wrong, but I can wait if I'm not right. Either way, whenever we take it, I'm ready.

It's been a sucker punch each time, looking at the wafer and mini cup of grape juice, just sitting on the piano. Untouched. I've never had the heart to put it back in the trays after church, but by evening service they're always gone.

Not this time.

This time I'm going to remember. I'm going to remember what He's done for me. And I'll remember that it has been and will be enough. It's been enough to keep me through the darkest of nights. It's been enough to keep me when I couldn't believe. I'll remember that He loves me. He really does love me, and that the entire gift is just his grace to me that I can't earn no matter how good I am, and I can't lose no matter how many times I fail. (Failure is different from rejecting God.)

I'll remember.

The body and the blood - Video
This is my body, broken just for you.
For all you've been, and all that you've been through.
This is my blood
And when you reach the end
I'll offer you again
The body and the blood.

Renewing my mind

I've been praying about my job. Simply put, I'm not a huge fan of the one I've got.
I love the people, and I enjoy the work, though obviously timekeeping isn't a passion of mine. In the 10 months I've been there, I've discovered that I can definitely do the job. Unfortunately, the only way to get it all done is with lots of over time.
So I've been praying.

This week, the district attorney called me.

Back in September, when we received notice that our office was going to close, I applied for a position at the district attorneys office. It was an administrative position that I had an idea that I'd really enjoy just because of the diversity and the field of work itself.

So she calls me up and said I hadn't left her mind since I interviewed that day, and that I'd been her first choice until someone else had come along with a bachelors degree and some other qualifications that blew everyone out of the water. She told me that the position had opened up again and she'd like for me to apply. She reminded me of the details of the job and I said I'd look into it.

Later that day, I told God that the wage she quoted was just too low for me to make that kind of jump.

She called me back the next day to tell me that the wage she'd quoted was wrong and it was actually higher.

I've spent a lot of time praying about it. As I remind God that His will is good, and pleasing, and it's perfect as well. I like perfect. But I also like pleasing. So I've prayed that He'd renew my mind, transform my mind into something that sees His will more clearly than I see my own - that I'd be able to test and approve His will as I see it.

That's why I didn't want to skip over the scriptures I quoted yesterday. Yesterday I went straight to the end of the scriptures and this time I want to make note of the changes that those scriptures talk about.

Ephesians 4:22-32That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.

It's about that new man and the old man again, being a different person. A new man which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Our new man was created in holiness. It's interesting to see that in this verse, it doesn't seem to say that our mind is renewed by putting on the new man. But first we take off the old, renew our minds, put on the new. Or possibly, another way to see it is that by putting off the old man we renew our minds. Then put on the new.

Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

So this is what a renewed mind looks like. It's letting go of the bad things, getting angry, but not letting that anger rule you/change you (that's why I highlighted up to the "LET NOT"- it's your choice), it's sharing the grace that you've been given with others through words of edification. (Which, ironically enough, has in it's definition to erect a house - so it's building up . I suppose, based on my little knowledge of building, that no builder builds by only ripping out the bad wood. But by ripping out the bad wood and replacing it with something good.)
I get now, why grace people are so big on grace. Because it's a beautiful, noble thing that just takes your breath away and yet confuses you with it's simplicity and strangeness. But it doesn't just leave you with grace, and the ability to sin some more because of grace. It leaves you wanting to build that house. A beautiful grace-filled house. But first, you've got to put that old man off so your poor little dirty mind can be renewed. Only then, will I be able to see that good, pleasing, perfect will of God through the eyes of His grace towards me. Because sometimes, it takes awhile to see that the will and way He's directing you too will be good and pleasing.

Meanwhile, I'm going to keep using that grace to help me get rid of the old guy I've been dragging around that is slowing me down.

Saying Yes

One of the few preachers I listen to pretty regularly is Steven Furtick. He wrote a post on his blog yesterday called "God Wants A Yes", and as the title implies it's all about saying yes.
It was an interesting post - most of his posts leave me wishing I could experience one of their services just to see what all that he talks about all the time, really looks like.

Here's a link to his post.

And then this morning, I received my daily quote in the e-mail, and it had a quote by Jean Anouilh and I just thought it was an interesting addition to Furticks post.

To say yes, you have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to the elbows. -- Jean Anouilh

I have a dream.

I say have, not had, because I'm waiting for it to come to fruition.

But, this week I had a dream. I cannot post about it, because the person involved reads my blog and I don't want to do anything that would seem like "helping" God in this instance. But I did want to document it as much as I can.

In the year 2008 I expect to see it happen.

The best part of the whole thing is my beginning confidence in these things. In the last two weeks, a lot of things have happened. Life changing things that really have just come out of the blue. But they came out of the blue after I asked God specifically about them. It's really just opening me up to expect God in more and more as I experience new things. And when those nudges come, I'm beginning to give them more credit than I normally would have before. And now I wonder how far off base I have been as I sought so much of Gods power - and not enough of God.

It's not about seeing God do something, it's about seeing God, while He does something.

Tell me God doesn't speak to me through my blog.

Go ahead. Tell me. I'll laugh. Or roll my eyes. I'm not sure.

Today, someone new visited my website, twice. Each time they googled the same term and came to the same page. It was a post I wrote back in 2006 (2006! I've been blogging that long?).

It was called "When Sin Creeps In".

What was the main topic? Well, I was struggling with something at the time and started thinking about renewing my mind.
Yep, renewing my mind.
A topic I'm just now thinking about again this week, and here comes someone directing me to my post on the same subject.

*sigh*

Just in case there's someone else out there that can benefit from the scriptures I ended up posting on that last post I'm going to post them again.
Here is just a clip of what I wrote:

I started thinking about how I needed a renewing of my mind (anything to get my mind of needing a repentance from disobedience!) and did a bible search for "renew mind" And it gave me two hits, but the best one was Ephesians 4.

Ephesians 4:22-32That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

For Christs sake, He's forgiven me.

I believe God speaks in whatever works best with you. And one of the ways He speaks to me most often is through song. Random songs will pop into my head as a face situations - you can laugh it's ok - and I find myself scrolling through the words in my head trying to find the redeeming value, the message to the song that is meant for me at that moment.
And today, I woke up with Celine Dion's song "A new day"
This is getting long - so I apologize. But I wanted to share the lyrics (or at least some of them):

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come

Yesterday, it was raining as I came home from work and so Bell and I took the opportunity to be silly. We stood in the rain, arms raised, spinning around in circles - before we finally wandered over to the playground and let Belle slide down the slide over and over. While we were out there my mind kept wandering to all the songs that talk about the Holy Spirit and rain. Let me tell you, Celine Dion didn't hit that list! But when I woke up this morning I just kept going down the words until I hit upon that one line

"Let the rain come down and was away my tears, Let it fill my soul and drown my fears, Let it shatter the walls for a new new sun."

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just have to stop and smile at God.

What it's really all about.

Every day.... every day.... it just gets better.

I wish I could really describe for you the difference. As much as one month ago, there was so little hope, what hope there was it was forced, efforted. Church, life, living, loving, believing, ... everything, every bit of life was drained by disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness.

To go from that, to sitting here feeling the beginnings of that old passion and excitement burgeoning again. And it's in those moments when I'm just sitting and breathing, thanking God that whatever was holding onto me is gone, that I wonder what on earth has taken place.

July 24th, 2007 I wrote a breakthrough post. At least it was a breakthrough post for me. It was the first in a couple of posts called "Trouble the waters". God did something that week for me, and I fully, and wholeheartedly agreed with what He was speaking about troubling the waters - (in case you didn't go back and read the post, the troubled waters reference is to the pool of Bethesda where the sick folks waited by the pool for the Angel to trouble the waters, at which point the first one in would be healed of whatever afflicted them.)

July 24th, 2008 I wrote a relieved post titled "Something IS Giving". And that was the first in what I hope will be a long line of 'coming back' posts. As I try and find my footing again as the ground becomes more and more firm beneath my feet - finally.

What a difference a year makes.

But still... I don't want to go back to the passion and excitement I had experienced before and just embrace that. I want to dig even deeper. Because there's something incredible out there that I want more of.

I've listened to a lot of lies this past few months. A lot. And I just didn't have the strength to disbelieve them. And it cost me. But here's where it takes me now.

...I don't know how many people this applies to, but just because of how I was raised, I've grown up believing that Christians shouldn't make mistakes. Mistakes are punished. And if you don't come up to snuff, you're an object of shame.

If there was ever a time that I didn't come up to snuff, it was in the last year. And now, in this - finally new - moment, I'm holding onto grace. And that's never something that I would have said before. Sure, it's one of those things that all Christians probably say - but it wasn't a concept I really held onto.

And now, it's really all that I've got to hold on to. It's not about my works anymore, I can stop trying to boast. It's not about my passion, or faith - because for a year I was losing all of that. And yet still, He held onto me.

It's all about Grace.

ugh

Completely off topic :

My house now holds a well hidden, half bald, severely traumatized mouse, and 1 entirely useless glue trap.