It's foolishness, I know,... seriously, I know. But tonight I was praying in tongues and a snippet of me was saying "so...does this mean I'm not totally blacklisted?"
So, despite the fact -or maybe because of the fact - that I've chased away my readership - I'm going to use this as my confessional.
Tonight I confessed all the stupid things that I think are holding me back from God.
I stepped back into a habit of misleading people. I know what to say, and how to say it, to get you to back away - whether it's the entire truth or not. I'm not lying about important things, just things that help me get through the day with fewer questions. But for me, the important part is that I've lied. Which fortunately or unfortunately depending on your perspective has given me a very guilty conscience about things. The unfortunate part to it is that I've completely walked away from some friendships because I'm afraid they don't believe me about things I have been truthful about.
I've been selfish. Every single child I've had in my home, I could have done more for. I was just too self-involved to really focus on them and drop myself enough to give them everything I had. At the same time, especially with Little One, I let my issues with her issues, get the best of me. 100%.
A song that was sung at Spanish church tonight put words to my next sin. I neglected God.
When Little One came along, I was so overwhelmed with issues and parenting that I began neglecting God. I didn't read as much, pray as much, my piano/prayer time was practically non-existent. And it still is. Until somewhere in there, I just quit trying. Life was too much to handle to make room for all the work that a relationship with God takes.
Then, and most strongest, is the shame. I feel deeply shamed every time I'm around certain people. I can't get past the idea that in their sin, I'm the reason they stumbled. And there's nothing I can do to change or fix it. Something special about me, just messes people up. Ain't it grand being unique?
I hope the Holy Spirit said something good tonight. I hope God listened, and answers the prayer. Whatever it was. I don't want to live like this. Something's gotta give.