I can't do it.

Every now and then, someone stumbles across my site form a google search. So instead of coming straight into my main website, they start off at a specific post that google led them to.

This morning, someone googled some lines from a joke I included in this post so they went to my post "Oh, Lord I am nobody!".

I went and read the post, and found it ironic that of all times that post came up now.
The main gist of the whole post is how messed up and sinful I am, yet somehow God can use me, somehow God loves me.

I hate irony. It's too easy to discount.

A lot of different thoughts crossed my mind today. I went to see Wall-E today (two thumbs down) and despite really not enjoying the movie, at one point in the movie one of the characters yells "I don't want to survive, I want to live!"
I almost said Amen.

This is no place to be, no way to live. I just can't solidly say to myself God still wants me. Even though I blame Him for my inability to walk away - that He just won't let me go - somehow I just can't bring myself to say He's still waiting for me. And that He's still intent on working on me. And it's absolutely impossible to say that I'm worth working on, or able to change.

If anything - this whole mess just really has left me knowing that I can't change me. Some of my prayers are simply challenges now. "If you want me, and you want me better than this, You're going to have to do it God. Cause I just can't."

If God can't make something from my life, nothing good will come of my life - cause I simply can't do it. I've tried. I determined in myself so many times - and yet I'm still messed up.

So...