Sunday's done.

I can't fault a thing today.
Megan, wonderful Megan the new babysitter, bonded well with Bella, and it went great. Bella cried when we first went in, but nothing like what she's been doing before. She seems like a normal happy kid now that cries sometimes. Thank you God.
She was sleepy, so I assumed we'd skip the spanish service and take care of napping.
She couldn't fall asleep though so I made the executive decision to go back to church for the service.
My niece and nephew served as baby sitters during the song service while I played for them. Then, just as a test I put her in the service and tried to see how well she sat still. Typically, boredom means she cries.
She sat, 99% perfectly.
I felt brave enough to go to another church for service tonight since our church wasn't having service.
Once again, she sat almost perfectly. Whatever flaws there are, are simply the fact that she's 2. That's not considered flawed. It's called learning.

I went, despite the fact that it would have been far easier to stay home, because I'm still hoping I'll go somewhere and hear the magic words that will click in my mind and ease this ache.
The guest speaker at the service told the story of being in some youth service, and all the college students were praying saying they were hungry and thirsty for God, and he kind of derided that idea because he was holding onto the words Jesus spoke to the woman at the well, saying that we will never thirst again.
That certainly didn't make me feel better.
I'm not supposed to thirst again?
Yes, I've read the scripture, yes I believe it, yes I still feel dry.

He quoted someone that taught him that trees don't produce fruit for the first few years, because they are gaining life in order to survive as a tree. After they have that, fruit is the product of excess life.

He said that Jesus didn't want us to survive, but to have excess life that produces fruit.

Yeah, I'm all for that.... how do you get it? How did I use to have it? How did I lose it?

He went on to say how life with Christ gives you joy, quoted the scriptures about 'exceedingly and abundantly beyond what you can ask or think", and said that he's not saved because he feels good, but feels good because he's saved.

He said he went through some years where he and his wife were just doing all they could do to survive. He'd had those dry years... but that he just kept on because God doesn't take long to bring you back to excess fruit.

What? Wait? what happened? He was so close. I thought he might actually touch on how ripped up you feel when you find yourself in survival mode. I thought he might tell me that feeling this ripped up and obscenely sad is something that other Christians have faced. I thought he might tell me... I don't even know. I thought he might give me hope.

I think that's why I don't like church now. I go, feeling completely at odds with every other person in the building because I can't explain why it hurts.