Bella & Praying

24hrs into this new placement.
She's doing really well. Daycare said she had a good day, The evening went really well, (I finally got a kid that actually likes to eat), and while bedtime still took awhile, the crying wasn't as loud and fierce as last night.
She did really well.

One thing I'm noticing about her is how sturdy she is. She's small and delicate looking, right up until she takes off. Whatever happens she just keeps going, no fear, no looking at you trying to decide, just.... ready. A caseworker that came for her arrival used the best word to describe her - she looks Samoan. She's so very brown that I can't imagine the information I received on her being half Anglo, half Hispanic is accurate. She's darker than my half Anglo half AA. She's dark. It doesn't matter... it's just one of the many things to realize that you never have a clue what to truly expect when foster kids arrive.

Bella has forced me to talk out loud more, because at bedtime, she hates my singing. But just talking helps. So I spend a good deal of time praying out loud at her bedside. We cover everything in the time it takes for her to go to sleep and be calm enough for me to leave the room without disturbing her.

I sat there, creating a new routine, yet feeling absolutely nothing as I prayed through all sorts of different things from Bella, to her family, to her daycare, then church then on and on to different people I knew in need. I finally stopped and told God how little what I was saying was moving me, and how I didn't like that. That what I was saying should be important to me and she sound more important as I took it to Him.

That's when I said the magic words. "God, my heart just feels hard."

Just saying those words was like something smashed inside me and said YES. I can't fix it, I can't soften my heart, and I don't know what all I've done to myself. But I'm glad to know something specific to consider.