I've listened to the commentary in my head long enough to know it sounds bitter. But, while I have been bitter, I think I've stepped past the majority of the bitterness and found something a little worse.
As I was thinking about it tonight, I remembered that verse in Proverbs that says "Hope deferred makes a heart sick." (That's only a piece of the verse, the whole thing is at Proverbs 13:12)
I realized I couldn't go on the way I have been. A person just can't live like this. So I told God all about it, and as I walked away from the conversation I realized I had just given up. That just giving up seemed like the only way to survive. It was the only way I could plaster a smile back on my face and get up off the floor. It meant giving up that blasted eternal hope that something could possibly change, and that God had something spectacular around the corner. It meant giving up the hope that a supernatural, extraordinary life was not only possible, but expected as a child of God.
Christianity, seems to be full of explanations why things don't happen. They say that the most difficult part of the Gospel is the simplicity of it. Yet, even after saying that, they'll easily tell you that your prayer wasn't answered for many different reasons. Maybe you've sinned, maybe you didn't pray in faith, maybe you didn't pray Gods will, maybe God did answer but He said wait, or No.
Somehow, in bible times everyone that came near Christ seemed to be healed. But I know quite a few chronically sick people that just never get better and somehow the reason always seems to be that God is using their sickness. I just don't get that.
I suppose somewhere in there is when my 'faith' changed. I'll easily tell anyone, that almighty God is capable of anything, impossible or not. I know He can. My faith doesn't doubt His ability. I just don't think He will.
Obviously, my faith isn't quite what it should be on the issue, but what about all the other people praying for the same people I'm praying for. Between all of us, do we really not have a mustard seed? Do we really not have a mustard seed of faith?
If we do, then where is the miracle?
I just don't understand.
I know God is good. He loves me, and I know I don't deserve it, yet I feel the anchor of it holding onto me almost every day- some days it's more clear than others.
He's been a loving friend, when I had no one to turn to, He's helped me learn things, and spared me from some pretty crazy problems. He's often provided exactly what was necessary, exactly when it was necessary. He's been my Savior, comforter, and shelter quite clearly at times. And as I got to know Him better and better, I began to expect more and more simply because I had felt the effects of His love, and yearned more and more to see it break free around me.
Only to suddenly find myself feeling dissatisfied.
Somewhere in this "simple" gospel, I went wrong. I did something wrong, my thought process went wrong, my desires went wrong. I don't know what all happened, but quite obviously it did.
That's all. No answers, no questions, just thinking out loud.