Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Peace... kinda

So for the last couple of months I've been struggling with a decision. Finally, an opportunity came available, all I had to do was have the courage to take it, or the determination to ignore it and do something else. So I find myself at 1am, trying to puzzle my way through the pros and cons and worst case scenarios. Finally, I stop and I say:

Hey God.
I know we're not on great terms right now, I'm all kinds of ticked off because I don't understand You at all, and at this point, even Santa wouldn't bring me a present.
But I'm going to tell You about this anyway.

And I proceeded to tell Him stuff He already knows. I told Him the reasons for the decisions, and the fear behind the worst case scenario and I said I really wish I knew what the right decision was.
Then, to continue in my vein of honesty, I told Him I wouldn't trust whatever He said about the issue because He might lead me into something awful. All under the label of 'testing' or 'trying'. And yes, Lord, I know I'm whining, but it seems like I've seen more "all things" in my life and other peoples lives, than I've seen them "work together for good".

Then I gave up tossing and turning, and read a book.

An hour later, something entirely unexplainable happened.
I was at peace concerning the decision.
I knew exactly what I was going to do.
And I wasn't obsessing over the worst case scenario or what might happen.
I went to sleep.

I don't remember the last time I experienced something like that. I've been able to be peaceful in the middle of problems before, but this was different because I went from 'not at peace' to 'at peace' within the space of an hour. And that kind of thing just doesn't happen. At least not lately.

So I guess, amidst all my other rantings, I wanted to make sure and give God His props. He did something specifically nice for me, and I appreciate it.

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