The post on the passion of Christ really hit me tonight.
I figure it all has to do with timing, and it just timed in with some other things that happened and made a trinity of conviction.
The message tonight was on safety, and I sat there just mentally shaking my head while thinking "It doesn't feel safe." And then two thoughts came crashing in at once.
Before the service ever started I was at the piano playing an old song called "He hideth my soul" It's worth a second to read the words if you have the time(or listen here). It's a pretty song about Gods protection, His watchful care.
So as I sat there complaining how it doesn't feel safe the thought came to mind about that song and the words of it. He hideth my soul. My soul. And then that verse from Matthew came to mind, about fearing those that can kill the soul, and not fearing those that can kill the body.
And then I got all huffy. I have to tell you, in utter honesty, I want a God that protects me from all physical harm, all emotional harm, and if He could include in that wish list all the stupid harm I inflict on myself with bad decisions... well that'd be great too.
But I know with certainty He's protected my soul during the last months. And while that may seem a strange thing to say, it's absolutely true. I could have easily walked away from everything, except for this constant pull that was on my heart. It was a pull that said despite what I was thinking and feeling, despite how unsaved I felt I should be, despite how fed up I was convinced He was with me, and despite how fed up He knew I was with Him, that pull said He had not let me go.
The entire idea, doesn't necessarily go against my beliefs (I believe you can walk away from your salvation), but it just wasn't something that I ever imagined that God did. If you had described it to me, I really wouldn't have understood what you could have meant. I certainly wouldn't have been able to imagine how such a thing would feel. But I have to tell you, while it almost feels nice, it's also very frustrating.
When you just can't get it together and someone is hanging onto you. I imagine it like a moment where you're dangling off the edge of a cliff, and someone has barely got you by the fingertips. You know help won't arrive fast enough, and you're going to die so at some point you consider your life and tell you friend to just let go, it's hopeless - but they won't. So you're left there, dangling, wishing they'd let go, fearing they will, and knowing any minute now the drop is going to happen unexpectedly and it would have been less scary to know that you made the decision yourself.
I love God.
I don't get Him, I don't understand one wit, and I'm still reeling from some of lifes blows. A blow He allowed.
I'm also still praying for sick people that He hasn't healed.
Mean people that aren't nice yet.
And I know anyone that is reading this - IS TOO.
And I just don't get that.
And Christians everywhere just seem to 'stuff it' and never talk about how confused they are that God's not doing something spectacular. Or even better are all the Christians that somehow just shrug off the fact that nothing spectacular is happening and put it under the heading of "faith". While it doesn't feel like FAITH at all to accept the less than spectacular. Yet, I feel faithless for not being able to accept the less than spectacular because I'm over here putting rocks on my porch saying "God, forget mountains, would You even make this ROCK move?"
All that said.. I'm glad He didn't let me go, I just wish He'd finally pull me up from this blasted cliff.