Singing with the Dogs

I have nothing against myself. And I don't think I'm being harsh.

But -

I can't sing worth a flip.

Years back someone came up to me and told me that I sing alright, but that I just don't have a very pleasant voice. Later on, out of curiosity I recorded myself just to hear what others hear (since the voice in MY head is not the voice you get to hear). Sure enough, my voice sounds like a third graders voice. Not in the sense that it sounded young and innocent and sweet, but in the sense that it sounded as though it had not yet formed into a real voice yet and was still a work in progress.

I have nothing against myself though. I play the piano, no matter how well I play I know that I've been called into it and give it my focus. Singing, especially once I discovered the woman was right, just hasn't been high on my list of things to do (publicly at least, privately is an entirely different matter).

I sing for myself, and I sing for God because nothing can hurt Him. :)

My neighbors dogs start barking and howling at three things: the train, the ambulance, and my singing. I'm not kidding either. I'm loud and heartfelt and it goes through my walls, my windows, and into my yard where the dogs begin howling. At some point I wondered briefly if it was Gods way of reminding me that even rocks could cry out and praise Him. But, I digress.

For the last three services at my church, I've ended up being asked to sing for my poor (though thankfully somewhat hearing impaired) congregation. I had a choice to make during each and every service. No one ever stomped up to me and said SING NOW. I was asked. Most importantly, I was asked by a leader (I'll get to that part later) and so I could choose to either say "yes" or allow my own opinions of my singing -ok we can call it pride - to get in the way and say "no".

I said yes. I might not have said yes a year ago, but a couple of months back I had a conversation with a woman that truly impacted me. She is the woman I don't want to be like. Oh she has good qualities I wouldn't mind having (the word genteel fits her quite nicely) but I learned something from her weaknesses.

This woman told me several times how much she would love to teach, but she was afraid she would be too nervous to actually teach. The few times she opened her mouth during Sunday morning classes, she always had something stimulating to say. She made me think about scriptures in ways I didn't initially think of a scripture. She told me she felt teaching was something God had called her to do.

Shortly after she had mentioned to me privately about how much she would enjoy teaching, our pastor happened to ask her publicly if she might like to teach the next Wednesday night.

So the woman quit the church.

When I went to talk to her later all she could say was that there was work to be done at our church (we were needing Sunday School teachers, and children church workers at the time) and she just was too scared to step into any of the roles. And she was being asked.

Even now, months later I wonder about her. I know enough about hiding away because of fear, and stepping away from what God wants of you because of self-doubt. I know enough to know that it isn't a pleasant life.

From that point, rank and order in my mind was formed. God has placed those above me, specific people to be above me. Leaders lead because they're in front of you. They know what's ahead. Math teachers tell their students to buy protractors and compasses and bring them to school. Not because they know how to use them, but because they don't know how to use them. You're going to learn something. You might not be comfortable using your compass. Maybe you don't have a clue even what it's good for. Maybe you're baffled at the idea that multiplication and division has turned into triangles, circles and letters.

It doesn't matter.

You buy the compass anyway because the teacher said to.

I'm not saying to give leaders ultimate authority over you. That could lead you into trouble since every leader/preacher/teacher isn't necessarily always doing the right thing. But that's a different subject. What I'm talking about is submission. Trusting that your leader isn't just asking you to do things willy nilly, but by direction from God. And sometimes it doesn't matter if you're afraid; if you don't think you can teach very well, sing on key, play the right notes, or say the right things.

What does matter is that God needs to be in charge.

And that means, to a great extent (but of course there are obvious exceptions) your church leaders, teachers, directors, and pastors are all operating under a direction of God and maneuvering the people of the church around like chess pieces. Unfortunately this is one arena where if you ask a chess piece to move, he may very well say no.

I've said it a couple of times already this week to others, but I'll tell it to you too. It's an old saying that you may have heard before. "God won't lead you TO something, that He won't lead you THROUGH." If God lays on your heart a passion and a desire to teach like He did with my friend.... sure you may be nervous but God will lead you through. It may very well be that the first words out of your mouth (spoken in self-giving obedience) will calm your nerves and the anointing will begin to just flow.

Trust me, if God can use MY singing... He can use just about anything.

Though I have to confess something... I love to sing. I just thought a merciful God would never make anyone listen to it. :)


Let GO and let GOD.

Good morning

I don't know why anyone would want to be up at 4am. Maybe to catch a plane, start a long road trip, or go to the emergency room. Those seem like the only good reasons. I certainly have never understood the hunters and such that in the freezing temperatures of winter wake up at 4am to go sit outside and wait for animals to walk by.

Todays' post, I'm afraid, won't show up until very late this evening. I'm heading out of town to work again and I already know it's going to take me awhile to figure out how to word it gently (the entire post is about how I don't want to be like a lady I know - it's hard to write something like that without coming across quite badly).

So! I hope you have a good day, I hope teachers/students/school nurses all have a wonderful day, and Lord willing, I'll be back tonight!

Trust again

God is gracious. I just can't say it enough. He's been good to me.

There's always a temptation when something happens to focus on events and not how great God has been. Our praise stop short and our petitions (as Sister Cala I believe recently said in a comment) our petitions run long.

I'm happy. It's got to be the strangest thing to say if you knew my current situation - though maybe not ... I live in America, not only that I live in Texas. I'm so glad to live where I live. I'm grateful for freedom in Christ (and of religion) and my spiritual rebirth. It's easy to let the small things over shadow the big, but... God has been way bigger than anything I've ever faced. But He hasn't always overshadowed everything I've faced.

So far, He's overshadowed this. I know He's there. And it makes the new circumstance I'm in appear more to be a transition, rather than a problem. I'm excited about transition.


I was thinking yesterday about trust (as you might could tell from my post). And there's a team building game on trust where you fall back into the arms of the person behind you. I was thinking about that and how there are two different types of people. One stands there nervously trying to talk themselves into falling back, and the other seems to simply fall back with no hesitation.

Both may ultimately fall back, and technically I suppose that is the goal but the difference is actual trust. When you fall back through you're scared, you're building trust. When you fall back with confidence you're using trust.

Trust and Obey

Every once in a while something happens that makes you stop walking, stop talking, stop thinking and just sit.

It's in those moments that you make a conscious choice about trusting God.

Do I trust God or don't I?

And the simple truth is you can't force yourself not to worry and to trust God instead. Either you trust Him or you don't. You can try and try, and sometimes actually telling yourself you trust Him will garner a little bit more peace, but for the most part deciding to trust Him in a situation only works if you actually trust Him.

I know God is good, that He takes care of me, and that He has a plan for my life that exceeds my wildest hopes. He's been faithful to me in times when I would have kicked dirt in His beautiful face. He loves me. He won't hurt me. He plans good things for me. He will see me through things that I would consider bad.

To be honest, I'm a little excited about the change that's going to come into my life. It wasn't entirely unexpected, I just didn't know "when" it was going to happen. And then it did. I don't know how troubled the waters will get before He calms the storm, but I do know I recently prayed with everything that is in me that He would trouble the waters.

I'm excited to see what's on the other side of this ocean. By faith I stand assured, fully dependant on a Saviour who has promised me not that I wouldn't face a trial, but that He'd be there through it. There's an old song that always blessed me when I heard it. When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

I trust His heart towards me.

Praying for God.

I've long thought it to be a cop-out. The idea of simply throwing your hands in the air and saying "Thy Will be done" rather than passionately crying out to God about something that you desire a specific answer to. It's like David fasting and praying for the life of his son. Even after he knew God had decreed the sons death. There was a chance to change Gods mind.
For your childs life, I'm sure most of you would take it that chance.

BUT.

This Sunday, many of our church family happened to be out sick. And there just seemed to be something discouraging in the air. Almost (keep in mind I've said "almost") as though we should just all go home and try again some other time when everyone was better.
As prayers went up for all of the sick members I found myself unable to pray for them. I stumbled to a halt and wondered what I should be saying. And the very next thing I knew I was telling God that I needed Him. More than I need Him to be the God of my finances, or the God of my health, I needed Him just for the sake of Him.

Again, it felt like a cop-out. It's the idea that of course someone NOT sick would be able to say I don't need God to be the God of my health. Of course you can say that, you're not sick! But since I had begun thinking of Davids fasting for his sons life, I also remembered David pleading for his own life. Except he pleaded for a very different reason.

David instead said this:
I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication.
What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper.
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

I spent so much of yesterday pondering that idea. I'm all about motives. Why do you want to be healthy? Is it because you have a birthday party to attend this weekend and you don't want to be sick? Because you're suppose to meet with so-n-so tomorrow and you don't want a runny nose, hurting back, headache, etc. etc.?
How often do we pray that we'll be healthy for Gods sake? For the sake of Gods kingdom and Gods work?
Do we need money for Gods sake? or for the sake of our cable bill?

How much of our prayers are for our own benefit and not for Gods I wonder?

I spent Sunday praying for more of God. I told Him specifically I don't want more money, I don't want more health, I don't want more friends, I don't want more education. I want more God. Whatever else that all entails, bring it on. That's what I want. If that means I get more education, I'm blessed. If that means I encounter new friends, wonderful. If that means a few less aches and pains and colds, outstanding! But all those are secondary.

It seems a strange comment to make, but I'm tired of praying for myself. And I'm tired of praying for peoples health and money and jobs. I hope it's just a brief phase because it seems unkind to even think that, much less say it. But instead, I want to pray for God. I want to pray for more of Him. More of Him in me, more of Him in you, more of Him in our churches.
I want more.
And if that means healing takes place for all of our sick. God be praised.

Mercy flows down the river of praise. And for too many we've only got a small trickling stream. Somethings gotta give.

Quote

This G.D. Watson has a lot of good things to say.

Many Christians seem loaded with good fruits, but the fruit tastes green; it lacks flavor and October mellowness. There is a touch of vinegar in their sanctity. Their very purity has an icy coldness to it. Their testimonies are straight and definite, but they lack the melting quality. Their prayers are intelligent and strong and pointed, but they lack the heart-piercing pathos of the dying Jesus. The summer heat in them is lacking. They preach eloquently and explain with utmost nicety what is actual and original sin and what is pardon and purity, but they lack the burning flame, that interior furnace of throbbing love, that sighs and weeps and breaks down under the shivering heat of all-consuming love.

Another good post

I wandered over to Revival Blog and found Carl had posted this quote/sermon(?) by G.D. Watson.

It was incredible... absolutely incredible. The whole thing is. I'd highly, highly, highly recommend going over there to read the whole thing. I'm only giving you a one paragraph taste of it, but I hope it's enough to whet your appetite for the whole thing.

Others May But You Cannot

God will take you at your word; if you absolutely sell yourself to be His slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love and let other people say and do many things that you cannot. Settle it forever; you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit, He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue or chaining your hand or closing your eyes in ways which others are not dealt with. However, know this great secret of the Kingdom: When you are so completely possessed with the Living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of heaven, the high calling of God.

Another link..

Great post over at Chris Hamer Hodges website today as he tackles the question:

"What would be the sense in interpreting your own tongue? Why not just 'cut to the chase', and interpret it right-off?"


"The Message And The Meaning"

Chets post.

I found this post over at Chet Swearingens blog and it's something that I've been a little concerned about lately. The very first line caught my attention.

“We Don’t Build Churches, We Build People”
The above quote was from a ministry partner I met with last month in Asia. Christian ministry in hostile nations prevents the freedom to build buildings, so the church is forced to focus on the higher priority of building people. That is one of the reasons why the churches in the East are so much more effective in building the Kingdom of God than we in the West; we find it necessary to to spend time and money on buildings, and all the strappings associated with them.

Look at the Budget!
Building program
Building maintenance
Utilities
Sound system
Lighting
Projection equipment
Chairs and furniture
Insurance
Computers,
software, etc., etc., etc…..

Several weeks ago I was discussing our "future" nursery room our church is putting together with a woman from our church. She mentioned that if there wasn't an a/c vent in the room we'd selected for the nursery that we just would put the kibosh on the nursery and stop putting it together. I remember thinking then about how very spoiled we are.

I'm glad I'm not the person responsible for my churches physical growth, it seems like a very fine line. It's easy to jump up and say to people we need to build people and not churches, but sometimes you have to make room for the people you've grown. It is an issue that has me concerned. I hope this quote from Chets blog makes you stop and think just as it did for me. You can read the whole thing here.

If you do go and read his whole article, I want you to know my answer to ALL of his questions at the end of the post would be "No!".

Think about your church and answer this one question for me:
Is your church growing physically to allow more people of your community into your church buildings or is it growing physically to bring more of the church body into your community?

I'm rich!

After Shawna arrived I knew things would be a little tight with daycare bills. On initial arrival daycare requires a tuition fee, plus the regular daycare fee. Weekly I was pouring money into daycare and it was taking it's toll.

I have savings built up, but for some reason God kept telling me not to touch it. So I left it there, and kept my eyes peeled for ways to not spend money, while God kept spending it! At church a women spoke about missions and God told me to give x amount of dollars specifically for her missions trip. I could of happily took out my bank register and showed Him that I didn't have the money, and reminded Him that HE was the one that told me not to touch my savings. But instead I wrote the check He'd told me to write and made do with simply shaking my head at the strangeness of the God I serve.
Then the next week, as I wrote out my tithes check, I ended up voiding the check and writing the new higher amount God told me to give. Again, shaking my head at God telling Him He was just nuts, but ok.

I prayed about the finances, wondering why He wouldn't let me move savings money over to checking account money. And I watched my bank account as I was certain overdraft fees would begin rolling in.

My bank register where I write down all expenditures seemed to constantly show a negative balance. Yet, my bank never showed a negative balance and never charged me for not having enough funds in the bank. I'm still in awe over that one.

I finally got to the point where I knew all my bills would be paid (I considered that, alone, to be a miracle without my savings being used). When just a few days ago someone came up to me and handed me money. It's one of those things that seems to happen to other people, and you never imagine it happening to you. They said they didn't know anything about my finances but God had told them to give me money.

I found myself thinking -maybe I'm just too pessimistic- that something was about to go wrong since my bills were already going to be paid... why would God suddenly be giving me money? What's about to happen that He's already providing the money for?

And then this morning on my way to work my car had a blow out. Shawna and I survived the exciting and wobbly ride, my brother was called in to put the spare on (I realize now, I own all the equipment to do the job myself - except for a jack... that's kind of important!) and I purchased a new tire with the money I'd been given earlier this week.



Can I just tell you God is good?


Last Sunday in church we were singing the song "Give Thanks" and the song says to let the weak say they are strong and the poor say they are rich. And as we sang that song something important came to me. I'm rich. Through God I'm rich.
I looked up the definition of "rich" and sure enough the first definition doesn't look like me:

1: having abundant possessions and especially material wealth

But the second definition caught my eye:

2 a: having high value or quality b: well supplied or endowed

It's not that I have a lot of money in the bank, but I have the money for every single necessity that comes along. I am well supplied. When I have no money, God provides enough to get me through. I will never not have enough money. (Keeping in mind, these rules don't apply if I go out and act financially irresponsible!)

I'm not rich for my own pleasures. But I am rich enough to do what I truly want to do. Which is: whatever He wants me to do. God's never failed to bless me with the niceties of life though. I've got enough. And I'm rich enough to tackle anything.

It's not about having big stuff. It's about doing big things. And when there are no big things around to do, it's about doing little things with all the delight and fervor as I would do the big things. Little things add up to big things. If you don't believe me, just ask my bank.

Update: My car still seemed to have issues so, upon checking, I discovered yet another tire that had a large lump going all the way around the tire. I had to replace that one as well and so totalling the new tires against the money God provided ealier in the week the difference between the two was $3.93. God knews exactly how much it was going to cost. If I had bought both tires at the same time He would have been $4.00 over. He just couldn't get any more perfect.

Awesome Video

Best sermon I've ever heard with the word "Dude" in it. It is only 7 minutes long and worth it. It was very good.
Found this at Marks Blog

Good morning

4:47am is no time to be writing blogs. Seriously.
But this is all you're going to get. I'm working out of town today so I won't be back until too late for there to be any desire to post. But, fortunately, I do have something to post at this crazy hour.

Last night at church a verse came up that just made me smile. I'm about to misquote a bible verse, so make sure you read to the end so you'll know the truth and not got away with a bad idea of what the bible says.

"Jeanette's 1 Timothy 3:16-17"
16All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in the putting away of righteousness:
17That the man of God may be untarnished, thoroughly kept away from unto filthy works.

It seems like I follow my false interpretation of those verses more than I follow any other.
The true verses read:

16All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
17That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

Not that you shouldn't know the difference from right and wrong, and stay away from wrong things but... if you focus on the right I think you'd be amazed how rarely you find yourself looking at the wrong. When you're practicing loving others, you find yourself trying not to hate someone a bit less often.

Today, I'm going to try to keep my mind focused on this thought and my prayers today will be that God will help me do just that. Help me work good works and not just stay away from the bad ones.

Have a good day!

1 step recipe for success.

Spend time in prayer.

Water in My Cup Update

It's just about that time again.

The new blog "Hey, There's Water In My Cup" will change to chapter 2 the first of September. These are your last few days if you would like to contribute anything to chapter 1: "Half Empty or Half Full".

So pop on over there and add your two cents. And if you don't feel like contributing yourself, at least stop and take a look. There have been 14 contributions so far, each one interesting and unique in their perspective of the chapter title.

So what are you waiting for? GO.

Another blogger and "What if?"

I went searching about for blogs again this morning. I do so every once in awhile. And today I found a writer from the blog Effortless Grace. The name intrigued me and that's why I initially clicked on the blog title. I'm not quite to the point of recommending the blog yet, but I wanted to share just a couple of paragraphs I found that really convicted me.

It's from a post entitled "The One Who Comes Alone"

She was a Calvary Evangelical preacher who had been approached undoubtedly weeks before Memorial Day. She had prepared her speech well, incorporating stories to accentuate her points. Then, as she closed, I finally realized what her main topic was. She mentioned something about heroes, and how instead of looking inside of themselves, they look, rather, beyond themselves, and see the people who are touched by the things they do.
She spoke of reaching out to the lonely, the broken hearted, and the “different”. She pondered how in this fantastic age of communication, we could alienate someone so deeply as to make that person think their only means of recourse was to strap a bomb to themselves and blow someone else up. Or how a young man could enter a university building and slay thirty people before sending the final bullet through his brain.
It came to me tonight to ask her this one simple question; Are you a philosopher-academic, or do you have experience in reaching out to the lonely, the rejected? As I stood there this morning I realized for the umpteenth time how many “speeches” I had heard given by people who spend their lives studying what we “ought to do”. I wonder how many of those people ever did what “we ought to do”, or if maybe, just maybe, it was something everyone else ought to do, so we could all learn from her wisdom?

I confess, I'm very guilty of this. I write so often of how things should be when I'm not living that way from day to day myself. I know how things ought to be but that doesn't mean my life is a living example of it. Far from it. I write more from a longing of how I wish to be, than how I am.
Besides convicting me concerning my own shortcomings in that area it also made me wonder. How many preachers, teachers, bloggers, stand up and tell us how it ought to be, when they haven't lived it themselves (and no, Pastor, I'm not making an elusive reference to you). Another blogger recently reminded me in comments on his blog that pastors are sheep as well (I had commented about how dirty sheep are and Christ calling us sheep was no compliment). I have heard a lot of so/so preachers/teachers and read a lot of so/so bloggers (including myself) in my time, and I wonder if some of them/I would be more effective to be speaking about things they're currently walking in. Speaking from experience rather than knowledge. Or it could be my thoughts on it are pointless and most of them are all living out their sermons already. I don't know. I don't even know how I would know. It just made me think.

I've hinted at things like this in my "What If?" posts where it seems like we're all holding back. What would the world be like if we all quit talking about how things ought to be and just simply did them?

Speaking Healing

I think it was Mark who originally got me thinking about the idea of speaking healing, rather than asking for it. I certainly understand very little about the gift of healing and how to operate in it and his posts on the issue were always fanning the flame of my excitement about healing.

He recently wrote another post on speaking healing showing a clear example of how he was speaking it for an problem that he was dealing with. In that post he linked back to the original post on speaking healing that got me so excited.

This time I read through all the comments that have been posted there. It's plenty to get you excited if you're at all drawn toward the gift of healing.

I remember shortly after reading his first post on the subject and asking around about other peoples opinions. I was very clearly told by several people that God heals, and we simply ask Him to do it. To do anything else is to claim power for yourself that you don't have and try to take Gods place. I had several people tell me that exact thing and it stalled me. I quit digging so hard at the subject and let it settle for awhile.

In the comments that I read today from the original at Marks' site he used a terrific example and I wanted to show it. He said:

Let me ask an easy question that has challenging repercussions. Do we ask God to preach the message? Or do we do it? I guess we'd say something like: we do it, believing that He empowers it, and following His leading so that we are acting in His authority. So how about everything else that He's commissioned us to do?

I may not have changed my beliefs because of what the "ask God" people think. But I did use them as a reason to stop digging.
Let's say that stops today.

Seven Deadly Sins...

In part of the adjustments I've been making I've just had to carve time for certain things. I've noticed two important things were still missing. And one of them I found in a blog today.
Matt Evans blog has a post called Seven Deadly Sins of Pastors. I'm not a pastor but I'm not a Galatian, or Ephesian either, and I still apply THOSE letters to my life, so this list hit me and convicted me.

Number six on his list was the biggest hit of all:

6) Prayerlessness. I just finished reading an incredible book called, The Power of Prayer by E.M. Bounds who ministered during the Civil War era. Here’s a quote: “Man is looking for better methods. God is looking for better men. Man is God’s method.” WOW! In this book he challenges preachers to spend more time praying than they do preparing messages. He highlights how God has moved in the Bible and in history in response to prayer. I once read where most pastors spend around 7 minutes in prayer a day. I have been convicted that one of my main responsibilities is to pray and … up until last week, I was neglecting it. The first crisis in the first church dealt (in part) with the need for the church’s ministers to pray.

I haven't carved out enough prayer time. Not the prayers that you can have on your lips all through the day, but the I'm-alone-with-God-and-this-is-serious kind of prayer time. It's during those times that you become emotional, you claim things, or rebuke things. Sometimes it's at the top of my lungs while stomping through my house (I'm sure my neighbors love me) and other times with a fresh brokenness. It's in those special moments God pierces your heart and challenges things you've always held to be true, or in the quiet way only He can do, He reveals to you your greatest fears and asks you to give them up.

You can do a lot of talking throughout the day with God. But it's those quiet moments, those loud moments, those personal moments when no one is watching that have really made my relationship amazing. Not to say I don't enjoy the conversation throughout the day, it's special in it's own way, but... nothing like those private moments.

I've neglected them since Shawna arrived and it's cost me something I don't want to give up. I want it back.

Balance is incredibly hard. But I'm going to find it. Maybe it's a pipe dream but there is something almost painfully exciting about the idea. Balance is keeping the house clean, the child taught and loved, and Christ at the center and forefront of it all, family and community being shown Gods love in tangible ways and finally being able to stop going to bed each night feeling as though you just haven't quite cut it that day.

When I find balance... well, I'll most certainly tell you about it.

Saying it right this time.

God is gracious.

Those words never seem like enough.

God is so gracious.

I realize, too late, that I've said some things that may have given some people a misconception of what I believe to be important. And I want to clarify.

Lately, I've told you a lot about the things that I've done. How I haven't done this, or how I've gone to church, and things like that. I'm afraid that you might think I find those things to be important. I haven't expressed myself very well.

They are important things to do.

But.

They're nothing.

I walked in This Walk for several years now. Growing and learning. And I just can't tell you how wonderful God has been to me. He's changed me, redeemed me, loved me, comforted me, sheltered me, provided for me. He's given me dreams and then helped me realize them. He's given me challenges then helped me face them. I see His handiwork in every single day of my life.

He's done so much.
I've done nothing to deserve it.

I wake up now, wishing and hoping for some opportunity to please Him. Sure, He's pleased by having me submit my life to Him, but sometimes you just want to do something extra special. And I've noticed that as every day passes, my "sometimes" desire to do something special, has become an "always" desire.

Sure I can sit at home, loving God and doing His will. But I've done that. Now I want to leave my house and go find extracurricular opportunities to please Him. To bless Him. I can be a blessing to God. I find that idea to be awesome.

That's why I described all those things that I 'do' as my comfort zone. I do those things easily because I'm used to them. They don't require me to sacrifice or take a risk. I count them as virtually nothing. I don't have to prove my love for God through my actions. It's not about that. I just want to show it, for no better reason than to please a Father that has done so much for me.

That's why I want to step out of my house, step out of my normal walk, and adventurously go seeking ..... seeking what exactly I don't know. But ultimately it's a search for ways to please Him.

He's done so much for me. I can't help but sometimes feel brokenly thankful. I'm undeserving. I'm the dusty, unworthy Cinderella being swept into a life of luxury. His luxury on earth doesn't come with the plush carpets and being waited on, but it is still luxurious. Luxurious and wonderful.

Thank you Father. I just can't say it enough. Your love humbles me, Your grace changes me, and Your mercy holds me. I don't know where I would be without You, but I know it wouldn't be this wonderful place I'm at now. You're wonderful.

GO read this post.

Mark H. over at Made To Praise Him wrote an awesome post called "Got Old Testament Religion?"

It's a great read with a contrast I had never considered before. Go read it.

Something's gotta give.

My "what am I waiting for" post yesterday was only the tip of the iceburg.

There's just a burning hunger for something more than what I've got. So many things in the world would be different if people just like me all over the world didn't "settle" for being an average Christian. We're doing just enough to get into heaven.

I've been on this world 26 years, Lord willing I'll have 64 years more (maybe even longer!). I've only got 64 years? 64 years isn't very long... it isn't long enough. Heaven is eternity, forever, a lifetime of lifetimes. And I've only got 64 years to do something right here, right now, that could change heaven.

It's not about works. But it is about works. I can spent my 64 years resting happily in the Fathers arms simply praising Him, living my life and temporarily raising other peoples children and I will still get into heaven. I've found my 'big' thing. The calling on my life that God wants me to accomplish for this season. I've found it, and I'm doing it. I'm happy. But I want to scoop up all those little things. The popsicles handed out to neighborhood kids. The gift certificate I haven't had time/money to purchase for a faithful mailman named Dayton. The physical visits to the few people that enjoy people visiting their homes. The phone calls, the e-mails, the posts, the blogs. I want all those beautiful little things that seem to overwhelm me.

There's so much of life to give. I'm just too slow giving it out. I can't wait to see tomorrow. Something has to give.

I didn't think to mention it.

I've said it to so many people. I even said it to my Pastor tonight. It was when I said it tonight that this idea hit me.

I've said it to friends after warm welcomes and fellowship. I've said it to hotel clerks and waitresses even though it's not the norm.

I've said it to my parents and family so many times.

But I've never said it to You Lord.

So I just wanted to tell You Father, Thank You for having me.

I've seen a lot of people that I would have chosen over myself if I were You. They're more patient, more kind, more successful in other things in life. It seems like they could have done so much more for You than I have. I just wiped a little girls snotty nose for You. Others would have done more. But You chose me. Thank You for having me.

I know other people more humble, more hungry for something to fill them. They would probably study Your Word more. Maybe spend more time in prayer. I haven't done enough God. But You knew what I would do before You ever chose me. And You chose me anyway. Thank You Father, for having me.
I'm so glad You called.

What am I waiting for?

I've heard more sermons than I care to recollect and count.
Spent more hours in church than a good 90% of the Christian world.
I've spent hours in prayer and reading my bible.
And probably even more hours reading Christian blogs, Christian stories, Christian inspirations.
And in the last two years I've begun spending hours upon hours writing those Christian blogs myself.

I've tithed.
I've been a faithful member of my local church for as long as I've been alive.
I've tried to be generous.
I've rarely said the curse words that Christians aren't suppose to say.
I've always worn what Christians are suppose to wear.

I've had the right kind of friends.
I've tried not to judge.
I've stayed away from the wrong places.
I've never drank a beer, never smoked a cigarette, and never tried any type of illegal drug.

I was raised this way and this, my friends, is my comfort zone.

There are a thousand and one things I haven't done though, that I should have. I've been reading a Christian blog lately, that's repeated several times that Christians/Churches in general are more concerned with what they shouldn't do, and what they believe to be wrong, than what they should be doing and what they believe is right.

Strangely enough, I won't link to the blog on my own blog, because there is so much bad language on the blog. The most recent post I read had more ***'s in it than I care to remember. But that doesn't make the blog bad. They raised a good point.

Everyone knows how Christians should not behave. I've heard more than one person say that if you want to know how a Christian shouldn't behave, go ask a sinner. Because they'll tell you better than most Christians could what they shouldn't see a Christian doing.

Then there's what Christians should be doing. If all the Christians did what they should be doing the world would be turned on end.

Instead, we sit in this middle of the road abstaining from the evils, and rarely actively pursuing the good. We hope to live a good life, no better than the unsaved Johnsons down the street, except the difference is we're saved. Being good won't get you into heaven. Being good, and being saved will though. Right?

I don't want to get into heaven on the minimum standards.

The problem is, it's too easy to sit back and simply take care of yourself, your own family, your own home, your own issues. It's easy. It's hard to... well, die to self.

What would Jesus do this evening when He got home from work?

If I've given my life to Him, I wonder if He's made that I made Him watch tv last night when He could have been out doing something important?

Britain's Got Talent - Connie

Giving kids something to do.

I was told to think about something. So I did.

My church was sent a letter. It was from a reporter at our local news paper who was asking the community, community leaders, and churches to get involved with a solution to a problem he has seen our small town has.

The problem is: Kids are all over town with nothing to do.

Because of bored kids, vandalism has become a serious issue in the town. Since I moved to the town, I have been reading about the problem nearly every week. Notices in the paper asking everyone to please report anything suspicious, so that maybe this time the police can do something rather than simply make a report and clean up the mess.

The reporter had a big idea for a community center. The description sounds like a recreational center. A great big building filled with fun stuff for kids to do.

I'm all for it. I do have a question though.

How far will we go?

At what point will we decide to stop building places and rooms for them to go to, toys and games and gadgets for them to use, and handing them cell phones so they can check in with a simple text message?

When will we stop and say these kids are worth something more valuable than money - our time.

I simply tried to mow my yard this weekend and ended up with an audience of 6 children. I've never met new children in my house though. I always seem to have to go outside for them. If I want to impact the children in my neighborhood all I have to do is go outside. I can sit in my backyard and throw a ball in the air and children will eventually show up. If I go outside and do this every night, I'll shortly find myself stepping out the door to a waiting crowd.

It wouldn't cost me a dime. But it could very well cost me a few hours.

But I doubt the reporter would send out a letter asking for parents, community leaders, and churches to all give up our time, give of ourselves and teach these kids. If he's smart, he probably knows that not too many people would be willing to. I know very well it's 95 degrees outside when I go home. I don't want to go outside either.

It's easier to buy a game. I spent 3 dollars at a thrift store for a game called Torx. I handed it to my niece and nephew and the next 45 minutes were entirely hassle free. I got a lot accomplished. But, it's not the same as when I look them in the eye and say "this time is yours, we're going to spend it together". It doesn't mean you're doing silly things, or playing a game. Sometimes it means you're teaching them how to do laundry. Sometimes it means you're reading a book. Sometimes it means you're just talking about the day.

Kids aren't much to talk to sometimes. I've heard a whole lot of jibber jabber. I've heard words and sounds that I don't understand from the younger kids, and way too many words about virtually nothing from the older ones. But deeply embedded in those words is some priceless information about who your kid is, and how they feel about things you didn't believe they thought about.

The thing is, it works both ways. When you sit down and actually talk, not just convey instructions and schedules or rules, they're able to find out who you are. And how you feel about things they believe you've never faced before.

You can build a big building and send them off to play. They'll enjoy it. Say! I would even enjoy it. 45 minutes of peace and quiet in the house seems priceless. But it's not priceless. It just cost me 45 minutes of my kids life. The only question is what I'm going to hold as more valuable.

Benevolent Creator

Mark H over at Made To Praise Him linked to his personal dna profile. I had a moment (and love these things) so I did my own. If you're interested in this type of thing also try it out for yourself.
Have you ever noticed that these things never come back and say "You're apparently an over confident naive dingbat, and we suggest you get counseling"?

Be prepared.

About two weeks ago I had a crazy dream. My church was giving diving classes. Teaching people to dive. The diving was taking place in the baptistery. People were diving into the baptistery and just disappearing into the depths until hours later they would resurface. (Tell me there's no symbolism there...)
We were going to have ceremony of sorts for those who had completed the program and learned to dive. I was at the church talking to people, when I realized I didn't have the right clothes for the ceremony (diving clothes). So I had to run home and get the clothes. The entire thing was being held up, just for me, so I was hurrying and upset. Then when I made it back to the church, something else happened and apparently I set my diving clothes down. I couldn't find them again. People waited and waited for me. I remember vividly my pastor turning to me and looking so disappointed. Then suddenly all around me were disappointed faces.
The ceremony continued, and I was unable to be a part of it because I never could find those diving clothes.

I remember waking up feeling so disappointed.

Matthew 17:15-21
Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water.
And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him.
Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour.
Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out?
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.


What? "Nothing is impossible for you" BUT. BUT? BUT?!? But this kind needs prayer and fasting to accomplish. Grain of mustard seed or prayer and fasting?
Which is it?

Whether I completely "get it" or not, the fact remains the same. I have time, right this moment, to be preparing for the challenges of tomorrow.

When that challenge comes and I'm claiming all sorts of promises about mustard seeds and mountains and "possible impossibilities" I don't want to be reminded of "Howbeit". Today I will pray, today I will fast. I don't want to be unprepared. There are things coming that I need to be prepared for. God is leading and moving and as He does those things challenges arise. And I don't want to ever be caught unprepared.

People are watching. Sometimes people are waiting. And sometimes the number of people looking at me seems staggering. But I don't want them to see me frantically looking around unprepared. I've wasted a lot of years and I've got a lifetime of preparation to make up for. Every ounce of preparation though, needs to be seasoned with mustard seeds. I've decided I want more seeds.

God help me to be in a constant state of readiness. Prepared and able to meet whatever tomorrow holds.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to praise You,
Sometimes just to speak Your name,
Sometimes I just want to thank You,
Without asking You for a thing.

Sometimes I lift my hands to You,
Sometimes I just want to cry,
Every thing I have I owe to You Lord,
And Calvary's the reason why.

Me aint to smart somtims

I've done it several times now. Found myself struggling with something, struggled along for a week, sometimes longer, then finally I sit down and blog about my struggle.
You, my compassionate and prayerful friends both known and unknown then prayed for me. You left comments saying you'd pray for me. And then you DID pray for me.

Since my little one arrived last Monday evening I had been struggling. Trying to figure out a balance. When I blogged I said I was "adjusting". You again said you'd pray for me, and then you did.

I remember thinking, just before I blogged "adjustments" that, it seems like every time I blog that I'm struggling with something I suddenly have a breakthrough of sorts right after and things get better/change. So I spent some time wondering if I am just not holding out long enough, before I go complain on my blog about my troubles.

That's when understanding finally dawned. If I never blogged some of the trials I faced I wouldn't be seeing such immediate changes take place. Some of you say you will pray, and then you do. And when you pray, my life changes.

Right after blogging about adjustments being needed that very evening things were changing all around me. In the craziest of ways. But just the very ways God knew I needed. My posts will continue to be regular M-F. God has been gracious and He's deeply embedded into my heart and life and now He's simply embedding Himself into my new routines. We've communed over suppertime as He taught me the small victory of getting this child to eat, we communed during what was almost a very problematic song service Thursday, and the communion during "Jesus loves me" each night is something I look forward to throughout the day.

God is gracious.

But He's been gracious to provide me with you. I've said it before and I'm sure you'll see me say it again, but I'll never understand why people read my blog. I expect myself to be interesting to ME, but not to you. But you come back, some of you every single day, and it amazes me. It also encourages me and challenges me to become better at what I'm doing.

But more than anything, I've realized He's given me you to pray for me sometimes when I've needed it most. If you've prayed for me, I assure you, you're a part of something that has changed my life forever. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate you and your prayers. I just wish I knew who you were. Nothing I've written, will ever do as much for you as what your prayers have done for me.

Thank you.

And, I'm sorry I'm so slow to catch on.

My two cents

I've noticed several bloggers talking about it lately, and when I did my daily check on blogs this morning I noticed Chet Swearingen talking about it as well. He quoted John Bevere who said:

“But when you tell people we’re just no different than sinners, ‘were just sinners saved by grace,’ you have a bunch of people sinning, because that is what you are preaching to them. We got to preach that this Gospel is the power of God unto salvation. It changes you, praise God, it makes me happy."

If you go to Chets blog, you'll also he has a great list of his posts concerning the issue and a list of Dan Edelens and Peter Smyths posts on the issue as well.

I've said things about it before myself, only to find angry saved by grace sinners quoting me scriptures about how if I say I don't sin I'm a liar and the truth is not in me. That's a good way to end a conversation, because I can't see any reason to keep talking once you've labeled me with that stick. And at that point I don't exactly see the point in trying to convince someone that obviously wants to remain a sinner saved by grace.

But I've said it before, we allow ourselves to sin. We even excuse it sometimes before we sin "I probably shouldn't say this but... " We can do that... if we're sinners saved by grace. But a saint. Saints have higher standards don't they. The difference between the saints and the sinners seems to be that one side holds the standard to the best of their ability and with Gods grace to do so, and the other side simply know the standard and don't expect to have to hold to it on every single teeniny issue because that's just nitpicking.

I'll hold myself to a standard but I've watched myself at times specifically allow myself to sin. I give myself permission. I shouldn't say it, but... BAM it's said. I shouldn't do it, but BAM it's done. And I promise you, if you point out my error to me I'll probably be frustrated with you for being so nit picky. It's wrong of me to think it, I know, but it generally takes a bit before I'm willing to let go of that sin of frustration.

Did I really just use the word sin? I should have said it was hard to let go of that feeling. It was just a feeling. I wish! My feelings are sometimes often sinful. I can say I'm justified to have my feelings, but again... that's just allowing a sin on the premise of "I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect, quit trying to measure me by a perfect stick, and let me be" but I don't want to do that.

I want to be holy. I want to be perfect. I want to be set apart and peculiar (if you're reading the verses I'm linking to, make sure to note the word "all" and "zealous" on the peculiar verse). I want to be righteous. I want to be like Jesus (1st vs is best, but whole chapter is a good read for the discussion of saint/sinner).

I may be the funniest looking saint in the entire Christian world but I want to be a saint. I don't want to be a sinner anymore. I want to be a new creature. Old things passed away, born again. A conqueror. No, not a conqueror - MORE than a conqueror.
I don't want to be a sinner anymore. Not even a sinner saved by grace. I want to be a child of God adopted and saved by grace.

His grace abounds

After a night, a night, and what a night it was, I sit here with a peace that passes all of my understanding and I write.




Jeanette, a foster mom (not from men, nor through man, but through Jesus Christ and God the Father who raised Him from the dead), and all the children who are with me,
To the people who read my blog:
Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen.


Amen and Goodnight.
Thank you Father.

Childish things

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11

Jesus loves me
This I know
For the Bible
Tells me so.
Little ones
To Him belong
They are weak
But He is strong.
Yes,
Jesus loves me.
Yes,
Jesus loves me.
Yes,
Jesus loves me.
The bible tells me so.

This song has been sung every single night at my home lately. And as I realized the words I was singing, it quickly changed a night time lullaby into a worship time. Moving from "Jesus loves me", to "O, how I love Jesus" to "How Marvelous" to "His name is Wonderful". And that's when I realized my nightly praise and worship times should not cease because I've got a small child. But should expand to include her. (Yes, I know you're thinking this should have been an obvious conclusion, but lets see what YOU do when you're handed a 3 yr old).

Yesterday was simply a wonderful day. From the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to sleep. It could have been better though. I could have chased Gods presence just a little bit more. Could have sank into it a little deeper and a little longer. But I didn't. I didn't simply because I was tired and wanted to sleep.

Which raises in me a question. Did I only chase God as fervently as I have the last few months simply because I had nothing better to do?

It's not exactly something I'd enjoy thinking of myself, but is it really a matter of everything else getting in the way? or is it a matter of me having so many hours to fill, and once they are filled I don't think beyond that? I had evenings to fill, so I filled them with God. I had thoughts to think, so I thought them of God. Now I've got hours to fill with a child, and thoughts to think of a child and wonder if my relationship was as unsubstantial as all that.

Even if it was, God blessed me despite my poor "lack of entertainment" reasons for seeking Him.

There was effort before. Sometimes you'd rather turn on the tv than sit around and talk to God. So it wasn't all just easy and effortless. But today, this week, I've learned that if I want to have a deep, abiding relationship with God I've got to stay in touch.

If I stop adding to my blog daily, regularly, some of my daily blog readers will slowly ebb away. Check in with my blog a little less often. With my friends, sometimes they've e-mailed and then waited till I "found time" to sit down and respond. Sometimes days could go by without us talking to each other as they just waited for a response. Things like that, allowing things like that to happen withers away friendships. And from my experience, at some point, God no longer nudges me daily. But accepts that He's on the back burner of my life. Maybe He'll nudge me daily for a few months, then I'll just feel the nudge sometime once during the week, then sometimes maybe only when I'm at church, or see something that really touches me.

I don't want that to happen.

I need a daily commune with Him. I need a daily commune with Him. He's worth the time it will take, worth the mental effort and worth the pointed focus.

So let's just see what happens.

Adjustments

I'm adjusting.

This blog is all about my walk, and the things I'm learning on my walk, and the things I'm experiencing on my walk. And yet, the biggest change in my life is legally confidential and I can't talk about it.

So much has happened, and bad news just seems to get worse and worse. And topping it off is the fact that my little confidential bundle has given me a cold. She's doing well at the moment though and has already passed the worst of it.

It's an adjustment to go from being alone and spending hours in the evening seeking God to, well, not. It's become a question of how to fit God in and I'd rather my life be about God and how to fit lifes daily things in.

For this blog, daily, I was inspired by several different topics and often found myself writing several posts and simply choosing the one I liked best. Now, I'm sitting here staring at a sippy cup of apple juice wondering where my inspiration went.

I'm adjusting.

Until I find my even keel, I'm no longer going to push for my daily Mon-Fri posts. If I don't blog, I just don't blog. I hate losing the momentum I had going though. Life was daily a God driven roller coaster, and I never knew how He was going to express Himself next.

If you remember us in the next few days, please pray. We can use all of it we can get.

No post post.

I have nothing to say today. A surprise, I know.
I've read that real writers simply write. Just like any job sometimes the inspiration for the work isn't there but a writer just writes anyway. I've tried to follow that for the most part. Sometimes I really don't have a post for every single week day, but I post anyway. But today, it's just not there. Unless you call this post about not posting a post.

Anyway, since I don't have something of my own to share, I thought I'd share something I found.

Christianity today: A prayer before surgery.

A really interesting story worth a minute of your time.

He was there.

Nancy recommended this blog to me and scrolling through some of the most recent posts on the site I found this post.

You don't have to read the post if you don't want to. And I don't want to quote the whole thing here, but just to give you a frame of reference for what I do quote, she's talking about the emotions that take place after you see a world of pain and suffering.

And you find yourself in moments like this, and you don't have the carefully reasoned responses for the atheist, and you don't have the patience for Sunday morning Christianity, and you don't have any explanations or understanding or insight into any of it. All you know is that He was there, terrible and beautiful, and it's almost too much to take.

And you love Him so.

Walking differently

I hope you see a change in my blog. I hope to see a change in myself.

I've had plenty of reality in my life. Plenty of it. And I always assumed that I don't see the world through rose colored glasses, but instead see the world for what it is and choose to be happy anyway. I've been privileged. And for all the reality I've seen, I've been sheltered.

Christianity is not about being happy, joyful, and pleasantly peaceful all the time. If I ever again seem to preach that message from here, please comment and tell me to grow up. It's just not. Life's hard. His yoke is easy, yes, sure, but life's not always easy. How to balance those two things, I don't know. But here's the thing... you don't always have to know.

Yesterday I held my new baby down while a doctor physically hurt her in the worst way imaginable. And this child grabbed my hand.

There was a lesson in that.


So often life hurts us and instead of grabbing onto that hand and crying and hoping He'll bear us through the pain, we just fight against the pain. If I had allowed this child to fight against the pain yesterday it would have hurt a lot worse and taken a lot longer. One of us had to be strong. And in the midst of it, there was nothing to be done except be there. Be there and constantly remind her that it's almost over. It'll be done soon and then it won't hurt anymore.

How much more does God do that for us? We'll still go through the painful moments. Losing a loved one, losing a child, scary hospital moments when you're not sure if those loved ones will make it through surgery. Or the other painful moments of watching your children suffer through emotional crisis' of their own. Car accidents, financial strains, physical surprising disasters like the one in Minnesota yesterday. So much takes us by surprise and simply rips a chunk out of our guts.

Welcome to humanity.

You're human.

You're a Christian, but you're still human. Things will still hurt. The only difference is are you going to fight against the hurts in your life or are you going to grab onto that hand and pray He's able to bear you through the pain?

Christianity, walking with Christ, found a deeper meaning for me yesterday as I found myself singing "Trust and obey". Trust is pointless unless it's proved. "I trust you...but" doesn't really sing true. Trust and obey. Obedience is easy when it's something you think is easy. Jumping out of a plane strapped to your tandem skydiving instructor requires trust. Trust has you walking in the dark sometimes, closing your eyes and letting someone put something in your hand, falling back and trusting someone to catch you. Trust is best shown when everything seems to point to the red and God tells you to go to the blue.

Singing last night, "Trust and Obey" was more about sober acceptance than hope. It's the simple knowledge that turning away and following my own deceptively easier path, would only lead to heartache. No other path will bring me the ultimate joy that following this one will bring. It doesn't matter what today looks like. He didn't tell me there wouldn't be sorrow. He said He'd bear them. He didn't say I wouldn't cry. He said He bottled my tears. My tears are precious to Him.

It's about being a 'through it all' Christian. Rather than a high road Christian that simply gripes and moans bitterly at God that He's allowed pain into their lives, until the day the pain ends, and then they go back to loving God. It's about the love and trust that comes with grabbing the hand of someone holding you while you're being hurt even if you're entirely convinced they could end the pain at any time. And I learned it from a 2 yr old.

Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:4

Thinking out loud.

Sitting here, in the first even remotely quiet moment in 48 hours, I find myself thinking. So pardon me while I think out loud.

I need God to care about the things I care about. I need God to hurt over my hurts. Not the dumb things where my feelings got hurt because I got offended, but over the truly hurtful things going on around me today. I need God to hurt with me. I need God to hurt with those I love.

I get really caught up sometimes in the big scheme of things. Holiness. I just recently threw that word out there and talked about it. Spiritual growth, Christian living, the Holy Spirit, divine healing, signs and wonders, all more big details of my faith. But ultimately every thing boils down to a very simplistic point of view. Jesus loved me. Jesus loves me. I love Jesus.

Sometimes life is too hard, too painful, too overwhelming for anything but the simple. Jesus loves me. I love Jesus.
But then, sometimes life is too wonderful, too joyful for anything but the simple. Jesus loves me. I love Jesus.

I think people, scholars, big church names, teachers, preachers, anyone who professes to know anything about Christ needs to come to those moments when you set aside all your knowledge. You set aside the theology, you set aside the past, you set aside the future, you set aside the details that clutter your brain. And then you simply rest in the simplicity of the gospel. Jesus loves me. I love Jesus.