2010

We made it.

I believe I've spent the last year heralding how wonderful 2010 is going to be. I haven't the faintest idea why exactly that I have been so confident about 2010, but I'm marching into 2010 expecting a great many things.

I thought about using this post to look back at 2009, but I want to wait and maybe do that later, though I will look back a little just to reminisce about how amazing 2009 has been. It's been anything but easy, filled with fear and doubt over a move 300 miles from everything familiar, to worry it was a bad decision when 4 months later I still had no job. But I'm ending 2009 annoying all my friends and family by telling them how very happy I am.

I'm not fraught with worry, in fact it's just the opposite, I trust God more than I ever have. My faith was challenged severely this year and somehow God brought me through. And He didn't just bring me through a survivor, but a Victor. A true victor.

But I'm looking at 2010, and I see more challenges ahead that I simply don't know what to do with, so I'm simply letting those worries go and trusting that God will handle those challenges when I reach them. He will be faithful in leading me and guiding me in 2010 just as He was in 2009.

Tonight the church that I've been attending offered a come and go communion service. From 8pm-1am the pastors were there and whatever time you wanted all you had to do was just show up and take communion. So at 10:30pm I found myself standing there holding the bread and wine and feeling as though I was a soldier being sent off. (Yeah, soldiers, I know, there's a big difference, but you get the idea.) I feel as though 2010 is going to be so very important for me that being there tonight; giving myself back to God through communion and remembering His sacrifice and honoring it seemed vital.

My heart has been slowly turning towards ministry in the last month. I suppose in a way I've always been in ministry, whether playing the piano for my church or teaching a Sunday school class or whatnot. But in the last month, and especially tonight, my heart seemed to be veering towards evangelism more than ever before. That God would use my life as a witness for His glory. That He would make me a light that is not hid under a bushel by my fears or doubts concerning what to say or do. I began to pray that He would teach me how to witness to others of His glory. Because I haven't the faintest idea how to actually begin those discussions.

The pastors at church ended the small communion with a special "into the new year blessing for me" and as they prayed over me, and even in their talking to me before and after they just kept mentioning how God was going to bless me, and that God saw what I was doing (like attending communion services when I should be in bed asleep) and that He honors things like that and would see my heart and bless it.

It's lovely words, and I don't doubt for a moment that God loves me so much and will continue to bless me as He has this 2009 even if no one asked Him toon my behalf. But something about 2010 has arrested my thoughts concerning my own blessing. And I believe that He's outlining a plan in 2010 where I will become a blessing. I don't know how, or where, or what, but I truly believe I God is leading me into a year of being a blessing to HIM.

That's why tonights communion felt so vital. I needed to give my life back to Him tonight for His use in 2010.

Like I said, I don't have any explanation as to why I feel so strongly about 2010, but I'm very sober concerning the challenges and the growing that I believe will be taking place this coming year. I love Him so much now, He's so worthy of so much more than someone like me has to offer. But He still has plans for me, and I am ready to walk in them.

May your 2010 be blessed beyond abundance, and may you find hope, peace, and joy you have never imagined. May the love of God reign in you and multiply to scatter across your communities, your city, your county, your street. And may you find rest in releasing your hesitation and embracing His resolve.

God bless you. And happy New Year.

He loves me the hard way.

At work I was eating lunch with some of my fellow trainees and the subject of our jobs happened to come up as one person announced that they were still debating whether or not to keep the job. They were thinking about giving it up and just living with their mom.

Another guy chimed in that he would do that, except he didn't like his dad. If it were just his mom and him, he'd think about doing that too.

Another lady announced that if she could afford to, she would never make her kids work and would be willing to let them just live with her for however long they wanted, never forcing them to have to work.

Time was getting close, so I took that opportunity to gather my things and go back to work lest I say something that would completely change the atmosphere of the table.
Something along the lines of - "I'm so sorry your parents don't really love you, and I'm sorry you don't love your kids."

Yeah, so you see why I walked away.

And sure, while I walked away I thought with gratitude concerning my parents requirement of chores and teaching me the value of hard work and money.

But it wasn't until later that I realized that the same thing applies to God as well. My growth hasn't just come without any type of cost. I have been allowed to struggle, and fight, and doubt, and yell, draw wrong conclusions, learn right conclusions, be wrong, lose friends, gain bad friends, be hurt.

It's easy to hope that love treats you well. Makes things nice for you. But too often - in our false ideas of what love is - we expect things to always be nice, to feel good, to be pleasant. We want it to be easy. We expect love to make things easy.

And despite my constant whining and crying over the issue...I'm so thankful that God loves me enough to let me struggle. To grow me, no matter how hard it is to teach me certain lessons. I'm so thankful for all the doubts, and all the fears that drove me to places with God I wouldn't have found otherwise.

I'm thankful that He loves me - every bit perfectly. Not afraid to do the hard things to me no matter how angry I get or how many times I hate Him for it. He's willing to let me walk away for a time, to let me be distant.

If I feel bad when a customer I don't even know gets frustrated with me - how great a love does He have for me that He's willing to do absolutely whatever it takes. I'm constantly amazed by His love. And through it, I see what love really should be. And I see how selfish love is the one that never challenges.

Fair warning to foster children everywhere - if you get stuck with me I'm going to truly love you as best as I can. Niece, Nephew - I'm going to truly love you the best that I can. And you may not enjoy it. But you'll be better people because of it.

Love someone today. Just don't expect people to appreciate it right away. :)

Didn't your mother teach you not to play with lies?

I want to start off with excellent news. I'm contentedly typing this post from my bedroom on my formerly comatose laptop. Why's that so great? Why, I'm glad you asked, let me just tell you. Two reasons, 1) It was dead, I have no idea why it's working again (for 3 consecutive uses so far) and I can't afford a new one. B) I'm typing this in my room. The only room of the house currently above 59 degrees.

Without my laptop I was chained to the desktop in a room that is ranging about 50 degrees right now I imagine, not counting the windchill factor of the kids running by. It's amazing how fast you can type a post when you know you only have a certain amount of time before you freeze in place. It is unsettling just how many errors made it into those posts because my fingers were becoming frostbitten. :) Nevertheless, for as long as I've got it, I'm so thankful to have Old Trusty back!

Now for the post. Unfortunately after that good news the tone of this post is going to change dramatically for me. It's one of those posts that is difficult to write because it requires just a little more honesty than I'd like to get into. But, I know just from watching search engine trails leading to my blog how necessary posts like this are. I believe the second most searched post is "For every lie there is a truth." Knowledge of how many others face the same problems I face forces me to be honest in ways I'd rather not.

So bear with me, and keep in mind that I'm only human eh?

I want to preface this with how wonderful things are with me and God right now. (Though it seems odd to phrase it that way.) I've never felt so close, so sure, so free and happy in Him in my life.

But recently the devil made an appearance and out of nowhere, he informed me that a friend of mine only likes me for my money. It's a friend that I really haven't had much contact with lately - and I just happen to have recently stopped giving them money.

The accusation was obviously a lie. I know it, I know it, I know it. Down to my very core I know it. But - man I hate having to say "but" there! But instead of just saying it was a lie and moving on, I played with it. I toyed with the idea, overly defending against it, and pushing it around in my head rather than just sending it on it's way.

I think, in a way that perhaps sometimes I want to be a victim. When circumstances can't be explained, when friendships taper off I want to be able to say some reason that it wasn't good anyway. I want to be able to blame something, someone, rather than just accepting that sometimes things change, re-imagine themselves, evolve into something else entirely. It's easier to say God let me down, my friend let me down, my family let me down. It allows me accept broken things, distant things, deterioration and and mediocre relationships/situations. It allows me to not hope for better, not try for change, not believe there not only should be more, but could be more. It's almost comfortable in a miserable kind of way.

It allows you to settle for less.
And I'm done settling.
Done.

So to get past that, I have to simply shove that lie exactly where it belongs and quit playing with it. I have to demand, yes demand better of myself than this. And it's easy to shrug it off and pretend it isn't important but it most definitely is. It's wonderfully important. It's one more way to grow and change. To pursue righteousness and a holy, blameless life. To create lasting, genuine relationship based on trust and truth and love for Christ - as opposed to the flimsy ones subject to lies and insecurity.

I started off this subject telling how wonderful I was finding my walk with God right now, because I want you to know that these things don't just hit you when you're down and struggling. They hit you when you're at your most faithful and most trusting. In my life I know I'm likely to ignore little things like that when I feel like I'm doing well. I tell myself not to nitpick and to simply do my best. But I don't want there to be a time, whether when things are good, or difficult, that I'm not still trying to grow.

So don't listen to those lies. Ever. And don't focus on avoiding those lies either; when the devil steps in with a lie never go on the defense by fighting the lie. Simply speak the truth. I know my friend is my friend and it doesn't have one lick to do with money. The very idea is absurd. I'm so blessed to have a friend like mine, and God brought my friend into my life to teach me about friendship and trust. And whatever it is the devil is lying to you about - you know that voice, it's the dark one that leaves you filled with shame, fear, guilt, doubt, distrust, loneliness - stomp those words into the dirt where they belong and remind yourself of the Truth. God loves you.

Really.

A strange way Pt 3 - Why me indeed.

One last post about my favorite Christmas song - think you can bear with me for one more? (Click here for Part 1 and Part 2)
I just, apparently, can't get past how much I enjoy the song. But while I love the verses, the chorus is what always rings in my heart.

Why me?
Why me?
Why me?
Why me?

So often we ask that question when negative circumstances come our way. Why me? Why do I have cancer? Why me? Why does MY mom have to have alzheimers? Why me? Why does my car have a flat?

From big things to little things whenever something goes wrong we tend to immediately think "WHY ME?"

It's reasonable, and even a good question to ask when it comes to bad circumstances.
But rarely, do you hear someone encountering good circumstances and wondering "Why me?"

Why did I win a million dollars? Why did I narrowly avoid that car wreck? Why did get that job when so many others were hunting?

I ate dinner with someone the other night, and as they bowed their head to bless the food for us they reminded God of His many promises to us and prayed He'd be faithful.
And while it's nothing, and it certainly doesn't say anything about the person because obviously we all have different thoughts and methods and not one certain prayer or omission means something. But as we lifted our heads I realized he'd forgot to thank God for the food.

Everyone is certainly different, but I'm broke and certainly can't afford nice expensive food like say.. well, anything beyond ground beef. ;) But this particular meal had been provided for me free of charge, all I had to do was sit down and do the taking. So as I lifted my head I couldn't help but whisper a profound "thank You" that this was one more meal I wouldn't have to wonder where it would come from.

It's crazy how skewed my perception is sometimes though, as I drove home tonight I realized that I pray God keeps His promises to me to keep me in my house (a lovely 2 story, 4bd, 2ba home with 2 accessory rooms we don't even use hardly) while there are people in such dire conditions that for my idea of "struggling" to be that I have to give up lavish conditions to live in a less lavish home - to me it means I need to change my ideas of what God supposedly "owes" me as a fulfillment of promise.

I don't want to spend my life asking why things aren't better for myself. I want to spend it asking why on earth He'd be so good to me. Why would He love me so? Why would He provide so much for me, when so many others are hungry, cold, lonely. Why me Lord? Why am I so blessed? I just can't thank You enough.

It's hard to have that attitude every day though, it's hard to not ask why things don't go better, or why things aren't moving directions you thought they would sometimes. But God has a plan, and He's got my life in His hands. And, whether I believe it all the time or not, I'm blessed beyond measure.

Why me indeed.

A strange way Pt 2 - No better or worse than a donkey.

Why me? I'm just a simple man of trade?
Why him? With all the rulers in the world?
Why here? Inside this stable filled with hay?
Why her? She's just an ordinary girl?

And now I'm not one to second guess, what angels have to say...
But this is such a strange way to save the world.
A Strange way to save the World - 4Him
...........

There's another reason that I love that song besides what I wrote about yesterday.

I absolutely love that God uses the simple, the small, the ordinary, the stables, the barns. Too often I imagine that I need to wait until I'm rich, important, till I've reached a certain status with a group of people, till I've gained a role of leadership within my church, till I've reached the place where I don't doubt and struggle and worry.

But God uses the beat up, worn, weary, broken and reassembled, the inferior, the looked down on, the simple, the seemingly powerless and useless. And He uses them to accomplish the most incredible things that God needs accomplished on this earth sometimes.

Not that God doesn't use the rich and powerful... but too often I let what I lack keep me from being used. I let it keep me from dreaming the big dreams God puts in my heart. I let it keep me from hoping and loving, and believing, and expecting change.

But no, God uses simple things. Simple people like me are a part of His plans for the world. However great or small that plan might be. Why me Lord? I'm just an ordinary girl.

But like Joseph in the song, I need to not second guess how God chooses to do things. But sit back and revel and wonder at what a strange way He's using to save the world.

Through me. Through ordinary me and ordinary you.

Not that I'm getting a big head about the whole idea... all this means is that I'm just no better or worse than a donkey. :)

The Yellow-brick road full of potholes and flying monkeys

Greetings and a belated Merry Christmas.

As I'm sure your week was, mine was quite busy. And wonderful. I hope you received more than your heart could even desire this Christmas - I know I did. I might even get more than I expect because my dad gave me a gift of a bright red jacket which he expects will help me attract a husband. (Some long story about birds attracting each other with colors and how I don't dress colorfully enough.) I'm laughing about it, but I've got to tell you, that jacket worries me a bit. :)

This entire Christmas season though, I've listened earnestly to my Christian radio station waiting to hear my favorite Christmas song come on. I'm sure you've heard it - "A strange way to save the world." by 4Him. I'll put the video at the end of this post so you can hear the song as well.

The song has really struck home with me these last few weeks because of the constant problems we've faced living in San Antonio. As you listen to the story of Jesus' birth though it's absolutely riddled with far worse problems.

Mary's pregnant and technically not married yet.
Her husband-to-be considers putting her away (to break the marriage agreement)
Caesar suddenly demands everyone partake in a census.
Mary and Joseph have to travel a long distance, with her apparently quite far along in the pregnancy.
They get there, and sure enough in the middle of nowhere, Mary goes into labor.
They need a place to stay and there are no motels - and wind up having to stay in a barn.

Imagine, if you were called by God to have a baby - wouldn't you begin to wonder while you're sitting in the stable surrounded by cows and ... uh... wonderful aromas... if maybe this was all just a crazy dream? Surely this isn't what we thought it was... it's unbelievable enough that we would be birthing the Savior of the world for cryin' out loud but obviously things just aren't working out. Surely something would be going right if this were actually such a special birth. Right?

But no, the baby is born and then when as a father or mother who has just birthed someone called "Mighty God, Prince of Peace", they are told not to go home because Caesar is going to kill their baby.

Would that make sense to you?

None of it makes sense, unless you just bow your head and say "I'm doing whatever you ask of me Lord, no matter what happens and how it works out. And you simply stop requiring things to look picture perfect in order to be of God.

Too often we do exactly that though - God calls us to the mission field but we have difficulty raising the money or miss our flight and we suddenly doubt whether God really initiated all this to begin with. We never say it, but I know all too often I act as though Gods road obviously must be free of potholes. We say we expect problems following God, but the minute we find one we begin to doubt if our road was really Gods path.

I know I entered into San Antonio with a boatload of doubts - but it was the very best thing I have ever done for myself in my entire life. And yet every single day we struggle with finances to the point we worry about eviction, utilities being cut off, possession being taken away... for my family that moved here with me, I wonder often if they don't see this as just one big nightmare. Meanwhile I'm sloshing around on cloud 9. Problems and all, I see my road, and it's as clearly the road God has for me as the fact that I was to be a foster parent.

I can't tell you about your road - but this one thing I know, I'm more confident than I have ever been in my entire life that God will see me through the pot holes. It doesn't mean we won't eventually end up evicted, or spend a few days without electricity or something, but He will be there through it all.

No question about it. No doubt about it.
He's here. And I've never had more troubles, and been happier in my life.
What a wonderful life.

Listen to my favorite song - I hope you enjoy!




Lyrics
A strange way to save the world


Sure he must have been surprised
At where this road had taken him
'Cause never in a million lives
Would he had dreamed of Bethlehem
And standing at the manger
He saw with his own eyes
The message from the angel come to life
And Joseph said...

(CHORUS)
Why me, I'm just a simple man of trade
Why Him, with all the rulers in the world
Why here inside this stable filled with hay
Why her, she's just an ordinary girl
Now I'm not one to second guess
what angels have to say
But this is such a strange way to save the world

To think of how it could have been
If Jesus had come as He deserved
There would have been no Bethlehem
No lowly shepherds at His birth
But Joseph knew the reason
Love had to reach so far
And as he held the Savior in his arms
He must have thought...

Would you like to hear?

A taste of our worship this morning:

Me? Do THAT? pshhhaaa Yeah right.

I go back to the kitchen. Rebecca is stirring the dough having added the flour, the baking powder, the eggs and the vanilla. Tears cruise down her face. I take the wooden spoon and bowl from her and stir. (No need to put the dough in jeopardy.) "Sit down."
Miraculously, she obeys me, blows her nose on a napkin. "I'm sorry. It's just that everything comes easy for you. Everyone likes you, you have a purpose here that is important and even Matthew respects you."
I look around to pinpoint the person to whom she is referring.
from "Everythings coming up Josey"

If you told me you went jogging this morning - I would give you the look. It's that special look that says you apparently do these things because God created you capable of doing these things and He did not create me with such capabilities.

I never imagined being on the receiving end of those looks. But since I've moved to San Antonio I've seen them more and more often as I sit at lunch dutifully eating my snack size broccoli 'n cheese and responding that yes I have been working out lately.

A lady next to me at work said she needed to exercise too, so I suggested she start with doing one crunch. One crunch. And she looked at me like I'd lost my mind. She told me she was a mother so she didn't have time for that.

I know every time I saw the commercials inbetween my favorite episodes of NCIS, those thin ladies showing how they'd lost weight always made me roll my eyes. Obviously they lost weight because they're them. I'm me. It doesn't work that way for me.

Until I became - no, not a thin person - but one that was losing weight. And I realized that all those ladies did was decide they were going to do something and then stick to it.
And before you click away, this post isn't really about weight loss.

Because you see, I've met a lot of talented people in my life. I've read books from people that I could only sit and drool over the idea that I might have as close a walk with God, that God might talk to me like He does with them. I listen to people talk about reading the Bible certain numbers of times and how many verses they've got memorized and again... here I go rolling my eyes. They do that because they're them. I'm me. It just doesn't work that way for me.

But just the same as weight loss, or anything else - if you decide it's something you really want and you go after it - typically you find it. I can't change my weight, obviously, but I can change my eating habits, and exercise habits.
I can't change my walk with God but I can change my prayer habits, and my reading habits.
God always takes care of the rest.

It's easier not to try; to announce I'm too old, too young, too busy, not strong enough, too poor, too shy, too sinful, too __________. Then you don't have to worry about failing.
But if I listened to the devils lies about what I am, or what I'm not and let that keep me from trying then I'd be 50 lbs heavier living in Gainesville, Tx close to my family where life was "safe". I would probably still be sitting on the floor of my two bedroom rental accepting the fact that God was for other people, but not for me.

But a lot has changed in nearly 8 years. The biggest change is that I know nothing, nothing is impossible or simply meant for other people.

So next time you roll your eyes at that other person that has achieved something you wish you could - let me tell you something. It didn't happen to that other person by magic. It happened with a lot of hard work, sweat, frustration, feeling not up to the challenge, and saying "No" to themselves when they wanted to say a wholehearted "YES!" They're not special. They're just determined.

In just a couple of weeks we're going to come to a new year and a lot of people are going to make resolutions about what kind of person they want to be in 2010. So when you make your list this year, and when I make mine I hope we both remember this post. New Years resolutions aren't about what you'd like some magical fairy to transform you into. They're about changes you're willing to implement in your life.

Don't ever let the devil win. Cause let me tell you, 50 lbs lighter, in San Antonio, walking with God closer than I ever have before.... well,.... it feels pretty amazing.

Post Link - The Measure of a Godly Man

Bleary-eyed and chowing down on my Grape Nuts this morning I read this article by Terry Laudett. I've always enjoyed his writing because it's typically sound and practical and usually concise.

As I read "The Measure of a Godly Man" this morning though I couldn't find one reason why his meaningful definitions couldn't apply to myself and I wanted to share it with you.

Here's the top snippet, but click here for the full article.

"Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness" (Titus 2:2, English Standard Version).

For many years, I ignored this verse. After all, I was not an older man. It simply did not apply to me. Then, a rather obvious thought occurred to me: I'm getting older every day. I need to get ready. God wants to see these qualities developing within me.

God wants me to be sober-minded. He wants me to see my life, my circumstances, and my opportunities clearly. He wants me to have the humility to know my weaknesses and the honesty to know my strengths.

Again, CLICK HERE for the rest of the article as he goes through the rest of the words and defines them.

Discounted blogging and wonderful Saviors

It's interesting how God never stops working. Even when it's quiet, and you're so distracted by the events going on around you - God's still plodding along diligently working at the important stuff.
And for the record, I mean "plodding along" in the most magnificent sense of the word. :)

A month or so ago someone quoted me a verse - Psalms 18:29&30

For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.

And for some reason that chapter has been on my mind ever sense. And a couple of nights ago, God woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to read Psalms 18:24-34

I don't know why God works that way with me, constantly giving me references to go look up. I wish He would just say it - because I always walk over to my Bible with a weak little heart just waiting to read something along the lines of "THINE OFFERINGS HAVE BEEN REJECTED BECAUSE OF THE HARDNESS OF THINE HEART"... or something along those encouraging lines. Truly. But instead, I opened it to find these words:

Therefore hath the LORD recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his eyesight.

With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright;

With the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward.

For thou wilt save the afflicted people; but wilt bring down high looks.

For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.

For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall.

As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.

For who is God save the LORD? or who is a rock save our God?

It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.

He maketh my feet like hinds' feet, and setteth me upon my high places.

He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.

And that's the point that I always assume that obviously it was some other voice in my head that told me to look that up, because surely God would have given me one with condemnation.

No matter how untrue those thoughts are, they always seem to be there, camped out in the corner of my mind. God isn't going to tell me how great I am, cause look at me? Mother Theresa I am not. I'm not good enough. Never seem to get my act together enough TO be good enough. Why on earth would God say good things to me?

And here's the hard to swallow answer. "Because He loves me."

This morning, something unusual happened and it could possibly be that something really nice is about to happen. As I drove to work, I was telling God about my guesses and assumptions about the good thing that might happen and I told Him that I just didn't deserve Him to love me so much. He's been too good. Sure I've struggled, sure things haven't been perfect, but that's not what I'm in it for. And all I could see is how wonderful He's been through it all.

While I told Him how much I didn't deserve it, I suddenly started listing my faults in my walk. I reached one point where, while rattling off my list of failures, I said "I don't even tell others how great You are as much as I should" and instantly - it's almost as though He was just waiting for me to say it - He shot back "You used to". My first reaction was "when on earth did I 'used to'"? And He immediately brought to mind this blog.

I've got to tell you, writer extraordinaire I am not. By my iffy counts I might have 27 readers. Not that you 27 aren't important...but since you have no names and are mostly ip address numbers it's easy for me to not assume you're waiting for my next post, wishing "This Walk" would start posting again.

But it doesn't matter if there are 27 or 2700 or 2, for some reason God's given me this blog and 5 years running I've held onto it because God has given me a passion for writing about Him this way. But while I may have discounted this blog as not a witnessing tool, or not a valid way to share my beliefs and faith and love of Christ with others - I'm a little freaked out that God hasn't discounted it.

So all that to say, God is good, God works, God speaks, God talks to us. He loves us. And since God seems to be holding me responsible for my blogging I'm going to do it as unto the Lord. So you should be seeing posts again even if I'm confused, befuddled and overwhelmed. :)

I'm thankful for His love and His mercy. His goodness and His grace.

For He's more wonderful than my mind can concieve
He's more wonderful than my heart can believe
He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams.
He's everything that my soul ever longed for
Everything He's promised and so much more
More than amazing, more than marvelous
More than miraculous could ever be
He's more than wonderful, that's what Jesus is to me.

So...I've not been posting...

I realize I'm neglecting my blog. My apologies.
With all that is happening here my mind is too full... there's so much to sort out that real sentences don't make it out. Certainly not a whole post.
Even now as I wrote that, I began to wonder if I write simply because I think I know the answers. Or if I simply understand the situation so well that I know precisely what I'm asking God when I still have questions.
So maybe that's why I don't know how to write now.
I don't have answers. And I don't know what I'd ask if I stopped to question.

Obviously, that wouldn't make a very good post!

So just you wait. God's gonna see this though.
And I'm going to be a better person because of it.

The love of God is greater far...

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

In my life I've always struggled with feeling loved.
I don't believe it when I'm told, and only lately have I come to accept a history of actions as proof. But I certainly don't rely on it, trusting it to hold onto a friendship or a relationship during the hard times.

I've seen enough of the world to know how easily people give up on other people. A lady I'm working with right now struggling with her marriage recently shoved aside encouragement that "It would get better", saying "I don't want it to get better, I want it to get over." 3 years of marriage. 3 years of "I love you's". 3 years of taking care of their children.

I've seen that example played out in a hundred different scenarios all through my 28 years of life - probably too young to feel jaded about love I suppose - but I am.

That's why when I really met Jesus, I worked hard to not be discarded. I tried to be perfect because not being perfect might mean He gives up on me. I wouldn't believe for a minute that He would give up on you - no, He'd never do that! but I knew me, and I knew people didn't love me, I was the exception to the rule. Ironic, isn't it, how we all convince ourselves that good things apply to everyone else but ourselves, we alone are always the exception to the rule. Even more befuddling is how even when other people tell us they feel the same way, we assume they're just wrong. The bad things don't apply to them, but us, yes, we certainly are the exception to the rule.

Now, I wonder how much God enjoyed watching me fail. Not for the perverse pleasure of it but because He couldn't wait to prove that He was still there. Not giving up. Not changing. Still as invested in seeing His work completed in me, and intent, fearfully and wonderfully intent on seeing the strange and awkward scars my clay had developed over time be smoothed away.

I'm no poster child for good spiritual, or emotional health. Perhaps not even mental health since Alzheimers does seem to run in the family genes... but while I've been sitting in this awkward place with God, wondering what He's doing and what's happening to me, in me, I've constantly been amazed at one thing and I just want to share it again.

God loves you.

Even saying it right now, tears are running down my face because it's just........so...........true. He loves you.

He loves me.

He loves me.

It's the best kind of love. The best relationship. The best friend.
I can be a complete jerk, the worst emotional basketcase, and a self-centered thoughtless bum - and He still loves me. It's not about being perfect. It's just being loved. Regardless of what I do. That love was there even when I rejected it. When I stood afar off from God and said "Here's how I believe God is," He loved me with an everlasting love.
When I said "I quit God" and waited on Him to stop loving me - He remained unchanging and loved me still with an everlasting love until I had no choice, it literally wasn't in me to be able to do anything else but humbly come back to God with gratitude.

....Even recently when I felt He disappointed me, He had a lesson for me in it that I should have learned long before now. I love Him all the more for that disappointment and His persistent and often inconvenient lessons.

He loves me. And, while I still have issues come up sometimes, for the most part I have finally - finally - simply begun to respond to that GREAT love. I've begun to trust in it. To believe that He holds onto me when I can't seem to hold onto Him. That He'll love me even when I've done wrong - but He certainly tells me to fix it pronto.

So for all that - it's taken quite awhile to figure out how to say all this so far - I guess I just want to say something to you.

I don't know what situations you specifically are facing. But this I know, God loves you so much. And when you finally get that realization, you will be so relieved. The burden, the fear, the doubt, the distrust; it rolls away into a tiny speck that only pops up every once in awhile to irritate situations. Sometimes, as you understand it better - it won't even be able to irritate you.
He won't give up on you. If He is drawing you, speaking to your heart then know this - He has chosen you. YOU. Specifically you. Sure He's got the whole world on His mind, but He's also got YOU specifically there as well. Trust in Him. Trust His love whenever you find yourself in a situation that's beyond you. God's in the middle of your troubles just as He's in the middle of your celebrations. Give your situations into His hand and trust Him. Give your issues into His hand; the hurt, grief, scars, distrust, anger, fear, guilt - whatever it is - simply tell God all about it. At the top of your lungs if necessary. He's strong enough to take it.

I know me, remember? I know I'm the exception to the rule. If you ever really got to know me surely you'd understand that I wasn't worth the trouble and just... wander off... But even I, can somehow be loved by God so strongly, so patiently, so determinedly, that I, the exception to the rule, believe that God loves me.

And if He can love me He most definitely loves you.
Trust it.
Lean on it.
GO for everything.

He's still still working on me.

It's wholly strange, wholly remarkable, and wholly difficult when you feel a specific working of God in your life to change you, better you, grow you.

I haven't been writing because I find myself not knowing what to say. So many sentences begin in my head whether I'm writing or simply talking to God and the words end up just dropping off vaguely unsure of what I'm really trying to say. It's very quiet.

I'm so glad for Gods love. He's given me the best relationship a person could ask for and I can't tell you how secure I feel in knowing that He loves me - flaws and all - and yet how patiently and determinedly He's working on those flaws. Other people might cease to love you, or fail you, or simply never be able to love you with a perfect love that puts yourself aside and puts others first. But God will. Always.

Because of that, I don't want to fail Him in this that He's working in me.

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm home alone this Thanksgiving, and sitting here so happy and blessed I can hardly contain myself. I realize how different life is when you know Christ. Today, I do not take my joy for granted. I know too many others have spent the day alone discouraged, and miserable, broken, and lonely.
But because of Christ I've spent this day alone less alone than I've ever been before.

I had a wonderful day. I'm so thankful that He loves me. Simple as that.

I hope your Thanksgiving was more special than ever before.

God bless.

Growing...

I don't know what someone else would get from this... but I just have to write this to document what God is doing in me.

Sunday, the instant the song service began at church I felt something big and exciting was about to happen. Every single song just drug you deeper and deeper in. It was powerful, and wonderful, and addictive. By the time it was over you simply wished it could go on forever.

Part way through though, God told me to do something. He's told me before, and the answer was always 'no'. He told me to go to the front to worship. To get out of my row, walk down the aisle to the front of the church and worship.

No God, anything but that. They'll think I'm just doing it to be seen, to be dramatic and all "look at me".

Go.

God, I just can't. Not that. You know what they'll think, I can't draw attention to myself. This isn't about me; it's suppose to be about You.

Go.

God, if You really want me to go, You're going to have to give me the strength to do it because I don't have it. I can't do it God, I just can't.

And then we began singing a song "Here in Your presence". I'll give you the words and a link to the video at the end of the post; but the words that really hit me were the words "Here in Your presence we are undone."

And by my refusal to do as He asked the contrast to my saying "we are undone" put lie to my words. I hated my refusal. I hated the things about me that held me back from anything that God would ask of me. I hated my weak self. And I begged God, even as I felt a quake of fear at how God might answer, I begged Him to actually "undo" me. To make me "undone" as I had just sung.

Get me there God, somehow.

And just as I had talked about before, it's the first step into the unknown that is the very hardest. My arms were raised and I took one step out into the aisle. And I literally don't remember how I got to the front. Once that first step was made I was there. And, I do want to add that once I got there not one thing else was more important to me than worshiping God.

I suppose I won't go into further detail except to say that the Spirit of God was wonderful in that place, and praise - hungry, holy praise went forth to Him. I'd have to say it was one of the best experiences in my life. One I hope to repeat only to greater extents and deeper depths as I continue living my life for Him.

God is freeing me. Bit by bit. Control by control. And I can't help but sometimes think how incredible it is to be the clay with potential that is only limited by the Hands that form me.

As promised, the words to the song followed by the video:

HERE IN YOUR PRESENCE
by New Life Worship (Desperation Band)

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away
Here in Your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display
Here in Your presence

Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonders
The kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Chorus:
Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way
Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

The God of too much... again.

Psalms 73:28 But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

Just wanted to write a quick note... in a previous blog I mentioned the specific issue of gas money to get home for Thanksgiving. There was an amount in my head when I wrote that. That was written on Tuesday.

Today, Saturday, via a few different sources as has been the constant habit in the last 5 months, I have a little over double what I need. And that's not counting the one craigslist item that someone hasn't picked up yet. Yet I have a little over double. And it's also not counting the offers I received from blog readers and friends to pay my way for me.

God is incredible. I wouldn't have been upset to not make it home. This is going to be our first Thanksgiving that mom doesn't know who we are. Missing that wouldn't have bothered me a bit. So I suppose I might admit that I was smirking a little bit as I said I would leave it in Gods hands. I may have been hoping... but God knows best. And He provides exceedingly and abundantly. As I think about it now I have to smile as I think about how the post I had written about it talked about how God has given me too much. And here I say I need a certain amount and He gives me double. Again, too much.

He is the God of too much. There is abundance in my home today. Perhaps I'm the only one who can see it, appreciate it, revel and relax into it, but bountiful abundance it certainly is.

Now I'm just hoping Proverbs 28:25 doesn't come true!

I walked into the middle of a discussion group on the book "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere the other night and ended up at a terrific table of ladies.
Part of the subject matter went to the moment (Luke 22:21-24) when Jesus tells his disciples that one of them would betray Him. They immediately begin saying "Who is it?"
Then, just one verse later they're fighting about who would be the greatest in Gods Kingdom.

The point was made that these two seemingly unrelated topics were probably strung together by one statement.

"Well, I obviously wouldn't be the one to betray Him."

When faced with the idea that someone in the room was going to do something utterly despicable , the conversation turns to how they would never do something that awful, which then leads to which one of them is better than all the rest.

In my own life, too often, I've seen a way to make a joke of something/someone; or I've seen a way to put down or, at the very least, doubt the validity of some ministries. I've struggled (and still struggle) with going to new churches without having that skepticism in my heart as to whether or not these people actually love God. As though that distinction is mine to make and it can be made in 2 hours time. I've judged people by groups. When I know I wouldn't want my passion for Christ to be judged by some of churches I've attended.

It's hard to get out of a judgmental mindset. Hard to keep from thinking along the lines of my preconceived notions and simply leave myself open.
Because ultimately, when I make myself the judge like that it's easy for me to be an exact replica of the disciples as they say "I wouldn't do that, matter of fact I might even be among the greatest of us all. I guess I've got this all down pat now."

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go remind myself that this post must be referring to the old me, for surely I'm too good for this kind of behavior now.

...Harumph... I wish

Don't let the devil show you one tree, when God has planted you a forest.

The lyrics coming to mind right now are "Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side."

And while not everything has come together (I sincerely doubt that until I reach Heaven that I'll be able to conclusively say that "everything" has come together...) I just want to tell you what God has done.

When I left San Antonio at the end of September, I had been job hunting for nearly 4 months with no real success. The only luck I did have was one incredibly fun job that unfortunately netted me about 2-3 hours of pay per week. Needless to say, for some reason I felt that wasn't enough to live off of. Just before I left, I had finally been offered 2 jobs and had to turn them down. I also had two interviews lined up that I had to cancel (interviews were hard to come by as well, so even getting to that stage was progress).

When I submitted to God and said I would return to San Antonio after a month helping my mother I wondered if God had been in my return at all. It had felt like the right thing to do, and today, in hindsight, the month seemed just exactly what was needed. Dad needed a break from mom, and some physical help in doing some of the major renovations he'd begun on what will one day be their home, and here I was ready and able to crawl under the house and get dirty.

When I came back though, in my prayers was that God would bless what I'd done. That He would bless my letting go of San Antonio and doing what I felt was necessary. I suppose it's hard to understand but I didn't want a blessing just because I wanted things to be easier or because I was tired of job hunting or needed money. I truly wanted it just to know that Gods hand of blessing was on something that I had done.

I returned on Sunday night, and began job hunting Monday morning. I went through several interviews and tests with one company and was required to come back a second day for more interviews. On that second day I was hired. I didn't announce it on my blog because there were some negative issues concerning it but deep inside all I could think was "You've really blessed me Lord." 4 months of looking and searching, and He brings about His will in 2 days. I was distinctly impressed with the realization that what I have isn't because I've done something, but because God has. It's easy to neglect that idea.

The only issue was that, well, now it was November 3rd, and my new job wouldn't start till November 18th. I deliberated the idea of continuing the job search in hopes of finding something that would start sooner. But the reality of no money coming in combined with the fact that cars run on gas, equaled the knowledge that if I have no gas I could technically have no job as well if I can't transport myself back and forth until the pay begins. So I sat back, slightly nervously I must say, and waited for the 18th to arrive.

At nearly 7pm on the 17th I received a phone call from the company telling me not to come to work. They'd had a problem with my background and until it was resolved I couldn't come to work. The next training classes would begin in January.

I'd like to tell you that I began fasting and praying, or that I hit my knees and didn't get up from my righteous womans fervent praying until I felt the issue was resolved. But instead all I could feel was quiet. I told God, quite simply, that I could only do what I could do the best I could do it and the rest was up to Him. And then I wrote a blog post about how God had given me too much.

At 8am this morning I stood before the door of their building and asked that God would grant me favor with these people. Then I went in, announced myself, and said I was there to talk to Barbara in HR. I took a seat in the lobby filled with people that were preparing to start that morning. I sat quietly as the receptionist called them all back. I waited alone in the lobby 20 minutes for my audience with Ms. Barbara McCoy.

She was gracious, but very firm. My application was fraudulent, the company I said I worked for for 5 years did not know I existed. They would not hire me. I pointed out the error (they had called the wrong company - which was partially my fault because they had to look up the information because I'd written the wrong area code). I told her that I'd already talked to that employer this morning and that she should have already received an e-mail from them in the last 30 minutes.

She left me alone in the room again while she went to verify the e-mail and some other things that had not been done concerning me. She returned with a welcoming smile and said "Come with me." I suppose I have limited life experience, but I could only imagine those words sounding sweeter coming from my Savior as He welcomed me to Heaven. I have a job.

I've been in San Antonio 5 months without steady work. When I try and stop and figure out how on earth I've paid my bills, I don't have the faintest clue. I really don't. Yet every month I've been able to pull my share and even help others when they've needed it. He's given me too much.

As I studied the facts tonight and that the two tanks of gas required to drive back to my parents for Thanksgiving might be more than I can handle, I talked over the possibility of my not going back for the holiday with my family here. Minutes later I checked my e-mail and someone was interested in something I had on craigslist. There is one tank of gas. Will God provide the 2nd?

None of these things have happened with wild shouts and exclamations of joy but with a suddenly quiet spirit that is willing to just wait and see how it turns out. This has distinctly felt like one of those moments where I just had to hold my peace and let the Lord fight my battles. And He has. And it has been a perfect example of how I am victorious today. Rather than trying to pin it all on "Now the problems are solved it's going to change" it's simply; Today. Sufficient for the day is the trouble thereof - or something like that.

He's given me too much.

I feel like this part should be in a different, separate post so those who aren't interested in the minute details that this post is chock full of wouldn't have to wade through it all - but it fits here so for those that skipped this post because it was too long I'm sorry they missed this part.

At church tonight, the speaker made a point concerning the events of Adam and Eves original sin. If you read from a King James Bible it depicts how God came to Adam and Eve and said "You may eat of all the trees in the Garden. But do not eat of this tree."
The devil came along and said "Did not God say you could not eat of all the trees in the Garden?"

Gods focus in His wording was on all that He has given us. You may eat of ALL the trees - save one.
Whereas the devil twists the words to "You can not eat of all the trees" and taints everything with the one thing forbidden.

In explaining the concept to my niece this evening I gave her the example of when she and her brother were obsessed with heelies. No matter what you gave them, their hearts cry was for heelies and whatever you gave them it wasn't heelies. They couldn't see "all the trees" because the devil had limited their focus to "not ALL", the one thing they didn't have.

And I don't know how to hand you a peace like this except to tell you what God has done for me, and how wonderful it is, how peaceful it is, how precious it is to have my gaze now on "all the trees".
I'm sure my gaze will swing sometime. I'm human and stupid - a LOT. But despite the things that seem to be lacking right now, I can only keep thinking "He's given me too much." There is extra. There is more than enough. More than more than enough.

Don't let the devil show you one tree, when God has planted you a forest.

Too much.

There is a post over at Jon Acuffs' blog "Stuff Christians Like" that I've been reading over and over again called "Two Words".
It's a great post stemming from a comment his daughter made about what might happen after some publishing company bought her daddys book. She announced that if they made too much money they could give it to Vietnam. (He is currently working with his readers to build a 2nd kindergarten over there right now too - click here to give).

In part of this post he said this: "I love that. I love that as a six year old she still believes in the concept of “too much” money. Those words are so foreign to me as an adult. There’s no such thing as “too much” money. That’s crazy talk. Have you ever heard someone at work say, “Yeah, my wife and I realized we have too much money so we’re trying to figure out how to do something with it before it does something with us."

I read that post and I thought about how crazy my focus is sometimes. I'll be the first to tell you what I don't have, what I lack, how I'm not enough. But God has abundantly blessed me with too much. I just don't focus on it, utilize it, or appreciate it.

He's given me too much. He's given me so much that I have enough to give to others.

It's just too easy for me to only see in terms of money and possessions. Or worse yet, to use that money only to acquire those things that I deem to make my life "enough". That attitude only leaves me feeling unsatisfied and frustrated.

But when I really sit back and see what He's done, what He's given me, how He has blessed me, I can only see, with joy overflowing, that I've got too much. How can I give it away.

For me, part of it lately has been to pour it into this blog. I am encouraged, I am blessed, I am hopeful, and it's all during some pretty scary times. So whatever your scary time, whatever you're facing where you're tempted to believe whatever it is isn't "enough", let me give you some of my peace. He's given me too much.
Let me give you some of my hope. He's given me too much.
Let me give you some of my joy. He's given me too much.
Let me tell you what God has done. He's done too much.

I want to be ignorant.

At Anti-Itch Meditation Jeff Weddles wrote a terrific post concerning "Distinctive Ignorance".

It's short, so it won't take but just a bit to read, and you'll have something interesting to chew on all day long. But here are just two small portions of it that give you a huge idea of what he's talking about and I wanted to comment on.

Malachi is a book that gets little attention and that’s too bad. if there is any book that is highly relevant to modern American churchianity, this is it.

He points out all their faults and their response, over and over again, is “What? How have we done that?” To every charge they respond, “How have we done that?”

~~~

Contrast that with Jesus’ words in Matthew 25. When I was hungry you gave me food, when I was thirsty you gave me drink. Here’s the response of the righteous:

“Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?”

He contrasts the difference between the wicked who are ignorant of their sins from the righteous who are ignorant of their goodness.

I want to be ignorant of my goodness. I want to be absolutely oblivious to it because I'm so wrapped up in Gods goodness.

I'm a terrific legalist if I don't stop myself. I was raised in it and still get lectures on it today. And the unfortunate part of that is that it leaves you dwelling on your own goodness, your own rigid hold to right and holy so that you will measure up. And it's hair-pulling hard to let go of those ideas and that constant survey of yourself to make sure you "measure up".

When in reality I don't measure up at all. If God ever decided to hold up my works and my abilities to determine my eternal fate I would be hopelessly and laughably short of the mark. That is the brunt of the idea behind grace. I'm still an idiot sometimes, but thank God He's no longer measuring ME and what I've done when He looks in His Lambs Book of Life.

Instead He sees some idiot 28 yr old that imperfectly loved God and others and though she failed a thousand times over, she tried to do Gods will, and had asked for the blood of Christ to cover her life. And then He sees the blood.

And that will be enough.

Thank God.

Don't stop starting.

Don't give up.

I suppose if I had to summarize all that I felt God was trying to impress on me this last week it would be those three words. "Don't give up."

It's too easy to look at your circumstances, your burdens, how far you have left to travel, and so many other factors and just give up and stop.

After my unexpectedly long trek to the library yesterday my brother asked me something along the lines of "What were you thinking when you first left?" And it made me remember how hard those first steps were. It's one thing to commit to a journey 12 miles long when you're 6 miles from home and have to take those last 6 miles in order to return. But something has to be going on in your head to convince you to walk away from the comforts of your home and begin walking.

Too often the point of giving up isn't in the middle of our struggle, it happens before a struggle ever starts. It happens so early on that it prevents the struggle from ever beginning. We give up before we ever start.
"It's too far"
"It might rain"
"I'm not strong enough"
"Something might go wrong"
"This is a silly endeavor"
"It will take too long"
"It's just going to be too hard"

So we give up. We take our tennis shoes off and find a nice safe hobby that doesn't challenge our preconceived notions of what we're capable of.

But all this week as I panted up hills on my bike, and walked way too far, and as I stood in the doorway preparing to begin a walk I wasn't sure about, all I could imagine was God telling me not to give up. Don't give up.

So whatever you do, don't give up. Don't be afraid to start. And don't let the devil rationalize you into defeat. Walking to the library doesn't make sense to anyone, but I needed to do it. And I did it. And while I'm proud that I made the walk, I'm most proud of the fact that I started the walk. Because if there was a point I would have given up at, it was there.

So find something, ask God for something, then start it. Even if it seems impossible, unreasonable, illogical, or even unnecessary. Don't ever stop starting.

Phantom backpacks and changing lives.

I started off this morning with the plan of going to the library. I pulled up handy Mr. Google and I asked him how far it was from my house to the library. He said it was about 4 miles so I made up my mind that I could walk there.

So I grabbed my backpack and and headed out the door.

Turns out, Mr Google lies sometimes and it was 6.1 miles to my destination.

I sat outside the building trying to dry off some ( I was quite the attractive picture at the moment) then I went inside and rested a bit and found what I always find at a library. More books I'd like to read than time to read them. I selected about 7 books, checked out and loaded them into my backpack and began mentally preparing myself for the walk home.

I don't know if you caught the mention or not, but, I found 7 books... checked out 7 books... 7. Just so you know, 7 books are pretty heavy when you attempt to lug them 6.1 miles. About 2 miles into the journey I was thanking God that I never pursued the idea of joining the military. I'm pretty sure they make you do things like that on a regular basis.

I got home, finally, and I immediately got rid of the pack.

Here's the funny thing about that though...

Randomly, even hours later, I could feel that pack on my back. I would have swore it was still there, even though I knew it wasn't. My body just got used to the feel of the burden, it got used to being mindful that when I passed a tree branch I needed to make sure it didn't hit the pack on my way by. I took care of my pack. But suddenly, even without the pack I found myself watching, telling myself not to lean back, don't roll over, all to protect my phantom backpack.

I couldn't help but think how, even after God delivers us, pulls some burden we've carried so long off our backs, that we still have those phantom burdens - only it's not as easy to know that it's a phantom rather than the real thing.

I was thinking about my post yesterday, about some of the struggles I've faced and I knew that I couldn't blame the devil for all of them. I've created so many of my own obstacles that you'd think I was into professional obstacle course building... And I wondered how many times in life God pulled my burdensome pack off my back only to find me still tending to some phantom pack until the devil was finally able to put it back on me again.

A friend of mine posted something on her Facebook that I wanted to share with you:

"'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.' Marianne Williamson

As we tend our wounds, as we carry our baggage around, whether phantom or not, we miss out on something especially incredible - Being all God wants us to be.
Some of you carry around the baggage that you'll never find who you're meant to marry. Others of you carry around baggage of fear that everyone will hurt you. Maybe you're more like me in that your baggage is a heavy shield meant to protect you from all the world can throw at you. Those shields are too heavy to carry for distance. I'm learning how to lay mine down. And whatever baggage you're holding onto, whatever is in that backpack of yours; whether anger, self-pity, hurt, fear, rejection, shame, guilt... ask God to help you lay it down, just like I did with my guilt awhile back.

But when He does it, you and I always have to be diligent to remember what God has done for us. And what's done is done. So when that phantom guilt, phantom fear starts to haunt you then you can just remember "Oh that's right, I'm not afraid anymore." And so on...

It seems silly, even as I type it. And perhaps I just handle my issues in unusual ways and no one else connects with what I'm saying. But for me, so often I've had to just stop myself and remind myself "NO, I'm not THAT anymore." The phantoms appear out of nowhere, in situations where you'd least expect it, and your reality shakes for a moment - and in that moment you either concede to what the devil tells you or you remind him that you're not who you used to be by the grace of God.

For me, I tell the devil that I'm not alone anymore. For years I've faced the world under the assumption that if I couldn't do it on my own it wouldn't be done. I've told myself that if I fall on my face that I'm the only one who can pick me up so I had to watch how far I flew, how fast, and what loads I carried.

But I am not alone. There are people, and the number has grown in the last two years, that if I found myself in need of help I could call and at least one would be available to help me.

Even now, I'm more tempted than ever to erase those two paragraphs, but with sick to my stomach determination I say that the pack is not there anymore. I won't put it back on, and I won't erase my written confidence in it.

It's among the difficult things in life to do, so I don't know if you'll join me or not - but do you have any packs you want to lay down?

There's a hand holding my tire and I don't mind.

Okay, it's not so much that I don't mind that there is a hand holding my tire when I ride my bicycle every day, but this morning a thought occurred to me that I can be thankful for that hand.

Every morning it seems, as I ride my bike merrily along the way, at some point I come to a seemingly flat surface and yet it's as hard to move along as if I were trying to trek up a steep incline. I half-jokingly griped to God this morning that apparently the devil didn't want me to exercise so he was holding my tire and I was having to drag him along.

Instantly, as though continuing a longstanding conversation, the words returned to me; "Then as long as you keep going, he's only making you stronger."

And I realized how much stronger I am now for having faced the hills, for having continued pedaling when my flat surface seemed not-so-flat. "I thank God for the mountains, and I thank God for the valleys,..." Because of those problems, because of those physical struggles I can go farther and longer than I could 5 months ago when I first moved here.

And as I looked back quickly into the last 8 years of my life, I saw a lot of times where it was really hard to keep going, where I felt held back, tripped up, or just couldn't see how the obstacle I had to climb was able to be clumb. Yeah spell checker, I know that's not a word.

And yet God let me face them. Not because He gets some sadistic pleasure out of seeing me struggle but because He wants me to grow, to be strong, to learn, to understand, to chase after Him and His will with a drive and purpose and with stamina built by facing the daily challenges life brings me.

So often I've noticed me and my bike only have stamina to make it up the short hills, but the long ones require the foolish looking "park on the side of the road panting for a minute while drivers point and laugh". Okay, I made the pointing and laughing up but still...

When I moved to San Antonio, I never thought it would take quite so long to get settled, I didn't imagine mothers having heart attacks, or parents threatening to separate, or pills making my mother's alzheimers a thousand times worse. I didn't imagine half of the struggles I've run into since I've made it here. And this hill sometimes seems too long, as though I only have strength for a short struggle and if this is going to continue I will need a place to rest and pant and recover my strength.

But as I pushed through today, riding down my flat surface and imagining the devil hanging onto my bike tire, I could only tell God how much I appreciate the struggle. So again Lord, thank You for allowing me these struggles. I wouldn't have chosen them for myself but You have chosen the ones that You know You have already strengthened me to face. I remember riding up that long hill the other day and asking You for strength to make it up and I will never forget what You told me. You said that You'd already given me the strength to make it up the hill, but that I must only have the will to use it to the end.

So thank You, even when I cry and complain that the hills of life are too hard, that the grief or challenge is too overwhelming, I know that You have directed these things into my path so that as I go through I will be stronger. I'll whine and moan again Lord, I always seem to...but just keep reminding me would you? remind me that there's a purpose and a plan and those things are always for the best and that these struggles aren't meaningless.
Help me have stamina for the journeys Lord, for the long hills I'll face. I'll face the hills you bring me Lord, and as long as I don't stop I know I'll be stronger because of them.
Help me never stop.
I love You.
Amen.

Are you a grinning-thumbs-up-dude?

I rode my bicycle past countless faces. Some zipping by in economical Hondas', other roaring along in their monster SUV's. Some on the phone, others studiously not looking my direction, and others still simply staring at me as I slowly pedal my way down the road.

Occasionally you'll find some one that smiles and waves. Sometimes I'm just happy if they smile.
But the other day, I found the one person I like best of all; he was driving his small white pick up, looking as though he was heading off to work. He swiveled his neck to see me pedaling my way along and he grinned and gave me two thumbs up.

I was thrilled, because I had finally come across someone that seemed truly happy.
I like happy people.

Go back in time to a Sunday just awhile back when I took a step away from my normal habitats and instead went to a Baptist church. It turned out that they were missing their piano player that morning and so I offered to help them out. As I played, the people sang rather unenthusiastically, and never even pretended to clap. As I played, I was constantly trying to gauge myself and make sure I did not get too enthusiastic myself and offend my new Baptist friends.

When the service ended however, I found myself converged upon by people that were excited. It was as though the minute church was over they came to life. One man laughing and grinning even said he expected smoke to start coming from the piano at any minute from the way I was playing... (And that was with me playing in a toned down fashion!). I don't think I could have been more shocked at their comments and the sudden change in atmosphere after the final prayer was said.

And I wondered about who we really are. Deep down inside. Underneath the professional demeanor, the formal spiritual airs, outside the stress of being a mother/father, and the stress of being a single person juggling too many things by yourself.

Somewhere, deep down inside, I wonder if we all have that grinning-thumbs-up-guy attitude just waiting to come out.

I admit, I feel a little beaten down concerning attitudes. Happy attitudes aren't always appreciated, and looking on the bright side or looking for a positive in a situation seems almost as welcome as someone yelling at you. But I keep looking out for people just like my thumbs-up guy. The world isn't full of stoic people that only feel the weight of the world. It's full of some pretty incredible people that just can't seem to get the candle out of the bushel so to speak.

I suppose this post isn't exactly "Christian", it doesn't have some type of Spiritual application or some valuable lesson about Gods character. It's just a post that says be happy. I don't care if I lose my home, my family dies and someone runs over my dog, steals my man and gives me a bad haircut all in the same day. I have reason to be happy. I have reason to have joy.
I want to be a grinning-thumbs-up-guy that just can't be stopped.
Except I'll be a girl.

Aunt Net loves you.

I had nearly 800 blog posts sitting in my google reader to catch up on when I got back and somewhere in the middle of them was a gem of a thought: In the Bible, love is described by actions rather than feelings.

I've never been the most original person in the world, so I've always been happy to find someone elses idea and flow with it. This is one time I'm sure I won't regret it. Loving someone, and performing all the less self actions necessary to show that love, is worth it.

My niece created a power point project for school and each slide showed a person in her life or an interest she enjoyed. Slides for her mom included details like where she worked and some other tidbit I can't remember. Slides for her dad included where he worked and some other detail. My slide? It was blank. The slide for the dog she doesn't have? Includes details about how great dogs are.

I gave her no end of harassment that she would be able to come up with more information concerning a dog she doesn't actually have than she could come up with about me. Yet today as it came to mind again a single thought stuck with me: "What would I want her to say about me?"

And then, as I thought about the greatest thing I love about God I realized I would want her to have as her one thought when she had to describe me:
"My Aunt Net loves me."

One of the reasons I love God so much today is because of how He treated me when I walked away from Him. How He loved me and relentlessly pursued my return and my surrender. I know I'm going to mess up and be a perfectly moronic idiot more times than I can count in my life - but I also know that through it all He will love me.

I don't have to worry that His affections will wander, that my sins and foolishness will one day be the final straw that makes Him give up on me. I know He loves me, and will love me, regardless of how I fail. And because of that, I will try harder not to fail, to not be that perfectly moronic idiot whose sins and foolishness might drive someone away.

And that's a gift. A gift I don't take lightly anymore. A gift that I can realize and understand better than I did 5 years ago... better than I did even 1 year ago.

But to give that kind of a gift to someone else I have to not just sit around feeling good feelings towards people. I have to actually act it out. Every day. Every time. I need to act patiently, kindly, not be boastful about myself, not be prideful, not seek my own satisfaction or needs first. I cannot be easily provoked, or think evil about others, I can't be happy about someone elses sin, and I have to rejoice in the truth.
I must bear all things (this does not mean with a sigh and a glare to ones side).
I must believe all things (this does not mean say I believe them while I think negative thoughts).
I must hope all things (this does not mean saying that I hope in order to cheer others, while I have lost hope myself).
I must endure all things (this does not mean surviving bad things while I throw pity parties and whine and moan).



In other words, I need to act as gracious as a any dog you'll ever meet. They fulfill 1 Corinthians 13 perfectly.


It's not an easy thing to do, and I need to get a lot better at it as anyone of my family or friends could probably tell you. But it's the greatest gift God has given me (outside of salvation) just to be loved and to be able to count on that love.

So for all the gifts that I wish I could give my niece, my nephew, my brother and his wife, to my friends and family, to you, it's simply this:
Aunt Net loves you.

He wipes away my guilt and shame and lets only His love remain.

I want my first post back to be about a small miracle that happened recently. I'd like to share with you, because I think it's important to recognize God can do these things, and just because we feel certain things does not make those feelings true.

Sunday, November 1st my parents drove off to go to church.
I then packed all my things together, loaded them in my car and headed to church myself. This was the day I was to head back to San Antonio and the day would begin with pretending it was just another day.

We were entirely unsure of how my mom would react to my leaving, so it was decided that the best course of action was to simply not tell her and not let her see me leave.

I had spent the entire weekend struggling with the decision. I felt horribly guilty, imagining that she would somehow come to her right mind and realize that I had left without saying goodbye.
And then topping the mound was a conversation with a friend of my parents who could only express her shock and disappointment that I would abandon my parents. She told me of my parents disappointment as well.

If you know anything about me, you more than likely know how addicted to obligation and responsibility I am. The words spoken to me ate at me like a cancer. I struggled with guilt that was so heavy I could hardly sleep, eat, or get through the day without weeping. I pride myself on doing what needs to be done - and in this, I was leaving something so very important undone. I was sick.
At the same time, I was determined to return because I know beyond a doubt that God has planted me in San Antonio for some reason yet to be revealed.

By the time I drove my car, packed full of goods, to church that morning I was an emotional wreck. I barely held myself together right up until we began singing "He's all I need". In that instant I crumbled and I could only say "God, I need you. I know what You've called me to do and I know that I am not guilty, yet the feelings of guilt are consuming me and I can't bear under the load. Please God, take away my guilt."

And He did.

I don't know what condemnation you are facing, whether it's feelings of shame, loneliness, guilt, hurt, anger, fear, grief, or worthlessness. Maybe you're afraid you're not providing for your family, giving enough time to your kids, not patient enough with your siblings, not a hard enough worker for your employer, afraid you waste time when you should be volunteering to a cause, not reading your Bible enough, not praying enough, not being good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not wise enough, not holy enough.

The devil is always able to show you some way that you just aren't enough. And the way past those accusations isn't to show him how you are enough, how you meet whatever standard he's set for you. All you have to do is head to the Master, and confess that indeed you aren't enough - and you absolutely need the One and only one who IS enough. More than enough. And then trust in that.

I was amazed when I left church that day in far better shape than when I came. I had need of my Savior and I found Him there. He touched me, and removed my guilt and shame. It was an absolute miracle. No one can change a heart like God can.
He can do the same for you, if you just ask.

Contest winner announcement

There was a last minute rush of enthusiasm for the giveaway as my niece got involved in it and began giving her mother peer pressure to enter with more comments. But alas, even with the kids begging to rig it in their mothers favor, a winner has been impartially selected by the innocent hands of an 8 yr old who was prevented from cheating.

The winner is...

r.sivad.

So, Robert please e-mail me your address and I will send the Bible your way. I hope you get a lot of great use from it, or find someone suitable to give it to.

Congrats!

And thanks to everyone who entered with comments, it made my month to read your guesses. I'm excited to move into the month of November and get back to my regular posting. I think 2010 might have more contests in it, just because I enjoy them so much. :)

It's time for a giveaway!!!

I am so very thankful to be home.

God has answered a good many prayers in the last two weeks, and I hope to be able to write them out soon if for no other reason than to encourage you with the specific ways that God hears and answers prayers. If you have ever doubted that He hears you, doubt no more. If you have ever doubted that His heart is touched by our suffering, doubt no more. He hears, He sees, He is moved.

But that is not why I'm posting today! I believe I have a contest to take care of and finally a revealing of what good thing caused me to sin. I doubt any of you ever would have guessed it in a million years.




BEHOLD!







This is "The Expositor's Study Bible" by Jimmy Swaggart.
It's heralded as being "The most unique aid to Bible understanding available today!"
And here are some of the specs:

Virtually every scripture is self-explained
King James Version
Biblical text in black, expositors notes in red.
Expositors notes are positioned immediately following the scripture, phrase, or even word
Bonded leather cover, Smythsewn binding
Concordance, Maps, Assorted Bible helps
Utilizing some of the best Hebrew and Greek scholars
Large Print
Bible Dictionary, Bible Encyclopedia, Bible commentary in abbreviated form

Also... it's a $125.99 dollar value.

It's a pretty sweet prize.

Here is an example of how the notes are positioned.

John 3:16&17
For God so loved the world (presents the God kind of love), that He gave His Only Begotten Son (gave Him up to the Cross, for that's what it took to redeem humanity), that whosoever believes in Him should no perish, but have Everlasting Life.
17
For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world (means that the object of Christ's mission was to save, but the issue to those who reject Him must and can only be condemnation); but that the world through Him might be saved (Jesus Christ is the only Salvation for the world; there is no other! as well, He is Salvation only through the Cross; consequently, the Cross must ever be the object of our Faith).

I see this as a wonderful tool for new believers. Forget that, it's an outstanding tool for new believers because it goes through and very carefully and diligently explains what each and every verse means. No statement that might leave a new believer, or new reader to the Bible confused is left unexplained.

But for me, while I am sure I could have learned a lot by reading all of Mr. Swaggarts notes, I instead just felt as though I were constantly being interrupted. By the time I finished the first chapter in Galatians I was ready to thump somebody on the head. Thus, how a perfectly wonderful item caused me to sin. :)

As a small commentary, I personally take slight umbrage to the fact that he put his commentary in red letters - when most Bibles tend to reserve that specific lettering for the words of Christ.

But, if I were a new believer trying to sort my way through all the typical ideas that most church people are already throwing around like secret codes... I would really appreciate this Bible.
So, I know several people I could have given this to - but I chose instead to entertain myself by having a contest. I'm sure you may as well either want this Bible to clarify things for yourself or perhaps know a new believer that could get a great deal of use from a gift such as this.

The contest officially ends on Monday 11/9/09 at 5pm. I will select the winner from all of the comments posted on this post, as well as all of the comments on the last post concerning the contest. I will attempt to post the winner that night.
If you link to this post on facebook, twitter, or your own blog or anywhere else just leave me a comment letting me know and each extra link will earn another entry.

Good luck everyone, and I am so thankful to be back with you. I've got so much to tell you!

Blog sabbatical and future contest!

So here's the deal... it's going to get quite quiet quickly around here. :)

My parents house doesn't have the internet and I'm not going to sign it up out there.

So I'm taking a months sabbatical from posting.

BUT... some interesting news... Posting will pick up again November 1st WITH a give-away.
I'm giving away something so very dreadful it actually caused me to sin. So obviously, it can't stay at my house. But the object is actually wonderful in a way... and others may not have the same reaction to it that I did.

I'd enjoy seeing your guesses... whenever I get the internet back. Meanwhile have fun wondering what on earth I'll give away... that is IF anyone enters the contest... they may see what I'm offering and refuse to enter. In which case I'm picking an address from the phone book and announcing them the winner.
OR better yet, when I start the contest if you won you could give me the address of someone you don't like and I could mail it to them?? Interesting the options available for giving away bad good things.

Enjoy your October people. It's a beautiful fall this year in Texas. Go sit outside. Turn the tv off and just be quiet.

Obviously you won't need the internet for at least another month. :)

If He took it all away - I will praise the Lord.

A friend sent me an e-mail link to a song, so I headed off to Youtube looking for it. It was a beautiful song that really captured my attention as did the pictures that happen to be shown for the video background.

I tend to see a persons pain through a magnifying glass. I see a struggling pastor and pull out the magnifying glass and look at it, specifically it and nothing else and grieve his pain. I see a hurting child, out comes my magnifying glass and again, I focus entirely on that one thing. I do the same with my own far too often as well.

But that video proved to me a very good reminder of something I'd known before but forgotten.
Our pain isn't ours alone. Sure it's slightly unique to us, but for the most part it's the same pain that hundreds of thousands have faced, hundreds of thousands of times before. People have grieved the loss of alzheimers or loved ones, they've grieved over children lost, grieved over money lost, grieved over churches lost, grieved over failures and mistakes. Pain upon pain upon pain. I'm no different. You're no different.

But the key to enduring our own pain is remembering just that. I've watched someone recently, so focused on their own pain that they have spiraled into self-pity, when self-pity is the last emotion that should be coming to mind right now in their situation. Yet their own pain somehow became greater than the person that was actually suffering. It would be like me putting my sorrow at moms illness at a greater level of importance than my moms struggle with the illness.
It's insane.

But so often we do that. We see ourselves and nothing else. Or what little else we do see is of so much less importance than our pain, our feelings, our struggle.

The idea is one that helped me have a renewed, fresh sense of peace today. This life is temporal, our pain is not rare, or unusual, or anything surprising. It is only for a little while, and then we will enter a land with no more sorrow, tears, or pain. We will enter the promised land. We must only endure here for a little while.

I will praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord. I WILL praise the Lord.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

So check out the video:




(HT to Robert for the link. Thanks!)