I've always tried to be painfully honest with this blog. My most earnest frustration is that I will appear spiritually devout and free from the troublesome afflictions that every Christian faces: fear, doubt, anger, frustration, discouragement, sadness, just to name a few. I feel I've succeeded in my attempt to counteract that false impression so well (perhaps too well) that I cannot imagine anyone could read this blog and see me as somehow superior to them or to place me on a pedestal.
This post will further distance me from such a pedestal.
I failed. I attempted to foster two children and failed. In talking with God I finally found the words to define my failure in a way that brought all the frustration and sadness home. I simply said to Him: "I wasn't like You."
And dear God, how I've tried to be, but in a moment of testing - I wasn't.
My God accepts failure. He accepts my broken-heartedness over the failure, my repentance of so many specific sins that led to the failure. He loves me as a broken, nearly impossible vessel.
But I struggle with coming to God with failure. I want to be worthy in my own right. He calls my own attempts to be filthy rags and beckons me to accept that HE has made me worthy.
I feel broken, unsure how to proceed.
Something has happened to me though - still happening - and it's burning within me in a passionate flame that leaves me burning to touch this world for Christ. I will not walk away from my Savior. My love has changed, it is still passionate and strong, but now there is such a strong sense of my own unworthiness and His great mercy towards me that I want to take time to grow and understand it better before I bring this blog along for the amazing ride that will take place after this period. But I hope all of you may come along on this walk as well.
If you're not saved - Jesus loves you. He died for you. Whatever you're longing for, hoping for, aching for, regardless of what name you give it I know it is truly called Jesus. You may call it money, or another cigarette, or drugs, or marriage or physical satisfaction of your "needs" through whatever means, you may call it the love of a man or a woman, but the true name is Jesus.
I have avoided Him myself some this last week because I see how weak and dirty I can be on my own. And maybe you've felt too weak, too dirty to meet Him as well. But I will tell you honestly, He will not reject you. He is loving you with such a love that you have never imagined regardless of how good or bad a family you may have come from. His love so far surpasses that of the love here in this world that your mind will struggle to conceive it.
But your sin will forever separate you from Him unless you pray, repent and turn from your wicked ways and give Him your life - He is waiting. Hell is waiting. Choose. Choose quickly.
This blog is still on hold, feel free to converse at firstname.lastname@example.org if needed but for now I want to figure out what He's teaching me. I covet your prayers as I write this with a broken heart, sad, hurting over a struggle I never imagined facing through false accusations, and what may be the ending of a vision I've carried for over 10 years.
Seeing as this post may be here for awhile I hope you might feel free to post a prayer request for yourself as well in the comments. I'll be doing a lot of praying the coming weeks especially and it would be wonderful to have a name besides "the people that read my blog" to speak in prayer. Or you may e-mail the request if you'd like it kept private.
Thank you for watching my walk through this blog. Let us begin to walk together.