Hi

It's been a little bit friends.... not that long, but too long. I miss writing. I've written a few posts in my head but there is never any time to sit at the computer and organize it in my head and get it all typed out exactly as I like it. 2 weeks ago I had a great one... Can't remember what it was though. :)

In all of this though, I wish, sincerely wish, that I could express to you the depths of my joy. I'm tired, a little overwhelmed trying to juggle loads of overtime at work, working a little part time gig for myself, and maintaining things like groceries in the house and laundry, and in all of that in the last few weeks there has rarely been even a moment when I didn't want to just cry or shout because the joy is just so intense. God is so good. And the best part is that I don't say that God is good because I have joy, but that I have joy because God is good. And it is VERY intense.

I've been considering so many things in the last weeks, the main one being that I'm not the person that I was. It seems like when I first started this blog that I had so much to say.... but now just a few years later it feels like so many of these things are so intense that I cannot find words for them. 5 years ago I said I loved God. Now, when I say that I love the Lord I want to weep for those small words just can't convey what I mean. I love the Lord. Even now, just writing this silly thing tears are falling as I wish I could just write down what knowing Christ has meant.

*sigh*

...The reason I write today is just to say that I'm still here. This blog is still incredibly important to me as an outlet and that I'm still going to finish blogging through the books of the Bible that I started. There may be a few smaller, regularly blog type posts before it gets up but I'm working on finding some balance but at least for the next couple of weeks work is so intense that it won't be "balanced" with anything. I'm ok with that. It'll get there.

And during these times when the blog falls quiet and nothing seems to be happening I just want to touch base and let you know that I really appreciate all of you that have followed me on blogger, put me into your google reader, or just check back every so often to see if anything new has come up. I appreciate you.

I'll be back!

30

I've posted every year on my birthday, so I had to break my silence to write down my thoughts of today.

I turned 30 years old today.

It seems like an important number, but to me it's not any more so than the others. A year has gone. I always have to ask myself "What did I do with it?" and my answer always seems to feel a little negative because the answer is always simply " I wish I had done more with it."

The church I've been attending has a little communion service just before the new year and the past two years I've been wise enough to attend. This most recent one, I was really struggling because right after I left the communion service I was heading North to help my dad put my mother into a nursing home. I was praying my mother would see death before she found herself this far gone. So sitting there, in the darkened church praying, I was supposed to go up to the front when I was done and take communion with the pastor.

Instead, I went to the front to say goodnight and that I wouldn't be taking communion that evening but, thank you very much. The pastor, who'd been praying with everyone before they left asked if I wanted to at least pray with him so I agreed.
He prayed a blessing on me, my house, my job, my finances, my family.
And I remember walking away feeling strange, like something was wrong.
It wasn't till I got to my car that I realized what was wrong - I didn't want the prayer that he'd prayed.

If you pray something for me, my hearts desire is that you would pray this - That I would BE a blessing.

God has so intensely blessed me. I'm not blessed with tons of money or stuff, or time, or whatever else - but I've got a peace that I can't explain as to how amazing and unnatural it is. I've got a joy that is so deep I sometimes want to scream and dance and jump up and down while doing something so ordinary as walking into a supermarket. I'm blessed.

And I don't want you to catch Gods ear and ask Him to bless me more. He's so good, I'm confident He'll bless me enough on His own.

What I do want a little extra of is the ability to BE a blessing.

I've worked hard the past two months trying to get out of debt, manage my money well, eat right and healthy, and work hard at work.
But even if I master all those things in the next year - all I will have done is gained the things that any good self-help book can give me.

I don't want a self-help book life.

I want a life that is a blessing.