Life is intense. I wish I knew how to write down what's happened in the last weeks but I don't.
The highlights are this:
I still have my job. I am 50% happy about this, and 50% curious where God would have put me if I had chosen to go ahead and leave.
I knew beyond a doubt God wanted me to quit - at some point during the quitting, when I was no longer attached to my job, or afraid of becoming unemployed, I knew I didn't have to quit. I could. I almost did. But I un-resigned. I don't know how long I'll be here though. Everything in life feels... like it should be held loosely.
Every day I wish I had bigger home to take in more kids. There isn't enough of me and my house to meet the need. Hours that I spend with free time in my house are pleasant, and relaxing, but also leave me burdened - I should be busy with a house full of children.
It must not be Gods time yet, because if it were, surely it would be so.
I scroll through the faces and names on the TARE website.
I go to court and talk to the birthmom of Precious.
So much hurt, so much pain. I want to reach them.
I went to church, and during the worship service, inbetween words of the songs, I found myself groaning again. It's a very embarrassing thing I try to never do in public because, much like the barking like a dog phenomenon I'm sure no one will understand. I don't even understand. But I groan. I don't know why. But it's intense and I wish I knew more about it.
When I returned to my seat a stranger at church walked up and handed me a paper with a scripture reference. 2 Chronicles 20:14-21 then separately written and underlined was 22-30.
It's hard to imagine I'm fighting, when I don't even know what or why.