She's also in that little section of life that some mothers might call the "terrible two's". I'm trying to not use that word around here much.
But.. um.. wow... she's...possibly losing her mind.
I love her dearly, and wish I could figure out what all is going through her head when she looks me dead in the eye and begins screaming bloody murder because I asked her to take off her shoes, or sit down, or go to the car.
I've tried every cure I know. I've time-outed, I've given her a small swat or a pinch on the leg, I've even tried ignoring it, I've also tried the screaming "YOU WILL NOT DO THAT AGAIN YOUNG LADY!!!" that I never thought I'd do. Still.. the insanity continues. Sometimes it's stubborn willfulness. Other times, there's legitimately something causing a problem for her. Sometimes it's because the light is off and she's scared of the dark, or.. of course, she's scared of the snow and doesn't want to walk to the car by herself (I didn't say the legitimate reason was rational). But sometimes there's something...
Meanwhile, I'm the crazy mom. The one who starts on with the "You're about to die" voice that tells her the behavior is inappropriate. I'm the one who puts her in timeout until she thinks she'll die in the corner. I'm the one who refused to give her another food of any sort until she finished her broccoli.
I'm also the mom she loves.
I've realized something about that.. it's not about her making a decision to trust me. It's not about her being okay with all of my choices while I stumble through this thing called "motherhood". She just loves me.While we both lose our minds.
I love her too, but I was the guaranteed love. Hers is the one I always wonder about if I've "earned" it.... but while I've failed hundreds of thousands of times in her short lifespan, I'm the one who loves her most on this earth. I'm hers. And she loves me.
So for all my failures, my love her for is what sticks. That's the part that sinks into her little skull in a way that "Don't poke your sister in the eye" doesn't. For the billion and one lessons I show her each day, the lesson she learns best is the hug in the morning, the kisses and tickles at nap time, and the countless squeezes all through the day.
Being loved is enough to change your life. To change your heart.
All that to say that tonight the words are ringing in my heart:
"Oh how I love Jesus
Oh how I love Jesus
Oh how I love Jesus
Because He first loved me."