Post 1. - Gods Love.

I honestly don't know if I can pull 50 out of my hat. I said I could do 50 because Gods love seems like something you should be able to write 50 posts about, but when I said to myself "What would the first one look like" It looked like this:









I felt a challenge to see if I could actually do it so if it flops it flops. But the 1st post finally came to me the other morning and so I'm writing 1 post.

I came home from a long day of work, that was immediately followed by a CPR/First Aid class that is a requirement to maintain my foster license. I trudged into my home where my sister-in-law would be waiting with my Precious, and discovered their whole family there having a devotional time together. I laid on the floor to listen in and consider drowsing.

In the time, I discovered that they'd gone downstairs to one of our neighbors (my brothers family lives right next door to me on the 2nd floor of a quad plex- a bldg with 2 houses upstairs, 2 houses downstairs). The downstairs neighbor direction below them, "J", is a single mom with 2 toddlers. She seems completely stressed out and while I've offered to help many times, she's never taken me up on it.

But on this particular day, my brother and his wife went downstairs and told her that God had laid her on their hearts and they wanted to help. What can they do? She didn't know but she began crying just because it touched her that God cared enough to send someone to her like this. (As a piece of back story, her children are named after two prophets, and she is a regular church-goer and active worker in her church.)

After some conversation my brother and his wife left her and wandered back to their home. And I wondered... What came of this? My fear is that nothing came of it. J will sit in her home with her two children and never say "I could use some help Tuesday night". But she will, temporarily, enjoy a bright, pretty moment where she feels Gods love. And her situation will not change.

As I threw my two cents into their devotional time about how we're like that with God - He says He loves us and we go OH HAPPY DAY and we think we're saved but we never take Him up on His offer to change our situation. He wants to effect our lives, carry our burdens, change our hearts; He wants to lead us into things our minds can't even imagine, but we stop at "He loves me" and then wander away.

I've been told twice, by very earnest people, that they were in love with me. I've had 3 separate people talk about how they wanted marriage with me. (The disparity in those numbers is not lost on me either.) But none of them said to me that they loved me and then went away. Quite the opposite actually. These people became the most profoundly difficult people to shake. Gifts, letters, e-mails, showing up on my doorstep, my workplace; once words like "I love you" had been spoken there immediately followed an active pursuit. Their lives, their day to day routines changed. My life changed as well because there was no simple "He loves me!" and I was able to walk away and carry on the way I was. They all wanted something from me. And they wanted to give me something in return. Probably the worst thing I could have done in those moments is walk away and go AWESOME! He loves me. See you later!

The morning after the devotional I was thinking about how God wanted to give me something beyond "I love you". And all I could think of was "Ask, and it shall be given you, Seek and you shall find, Knock and the door shall be opened."

My brother and his wife said Gods "I love you" to J, but for her to take advantage of it she needed to ask for something. They offered physical help, and she needed to say "here's where I need it". She had to ask. She likely won't.

But Gods promises are true and His love is profound. He'll say "I love you" but it's up to me then to begin asking, seeking, knocking. To take advantage of His love. To use it. To find Him in all the ways He's just waiting for me to find Him.

We say I love you quite often and nothing comes from it. God says I love you quote often and nothing comes from it. But He wants me to enter into that love and not just look at it and smile.

It IS for me.

This is a part 2 to my first post "Welcome to Heaven...erm...I mean the library"
I need to add something to my first post, because it was a strong message for me.

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Wandering through the halls of that beautiful library I was clutching something awful. An overdue library book. I could have rechecked it online so it wouldn't be late, but for some reason I only believe in doing that for books I haven't finished yet. If I've finished it, there's no good reason I haven't returned it, so I feel I ought to pay the fine. It sounds absurd to me too, but alas! I am me.

So there I am walking through that library, holding the dreaded overdue book, and I wasn't sure of my standing with the library. If I went to check something out, (they have automated self-check out machines) would it refuse me because I owed the fine? And even without that, as I wandered from room to room, floor to floor, a haunted feeling of "It won't work out" followed me.
It seemed as though at any moment someone would say "I'm sorry miss, you don't have the right membership to be in this library." It was ridiculous. It's a public library. I have a public library card. And while my head told me this all throughout my explorations, something in my heart wasn't confident that I would leave with books that day.

I equated the library to Heaven in my first post, and when I do so again I see something that all too often believers do. We shy away from the biggest and the best that God tries to offer us because we just don't think something so amazing is meant for us. Love so freely given and genuine? Forgiveness, free and full and utterly complete? Mercy that leads us into beauty and power even while we are children just stumbling along? Truth, undeniable and infallible in a world where everything has become subjective?
For me?

As we sit at His table and begin to eat and grow in the riches of His goodness and grace given to us - we shift our heads to the left and right, and with tentative hands we take, we taste, we experience, just waiting for someone to finally intervene and say "No miss,' or "No sir," "I'm sorry, but this isn't for you, it's for the others."

When I finally went to the librarians desk with the stack of books I desired to check out, and my one overdue book I explained that I probably had a fine that I needed to pay before I checked out the other books. He took the offending book, scanned it, and announced that the book had been due the day before but no fines had been assessed to my account. I was in good standing. I was free to go and read in peace.

One day, as I stand before my LORD, I will sit and wait explaining my only - my only - ticket of entrance is Jesus Christ, and dear Lord, is my name written down?

I'll be in good standing that day as well. So though my knees will probably quake and barely hold me as I wait for the response; and though my heart and mind fail to reassure me sometimes that my faults and failures weren't stronger than His perfect redeeming blood; it's just not true.

I'm in good standing.

If you're not in good standing, you can be with simple repentance, belief, and trusting in Him and allowing Him to be your Savior.

Then we will all go and read in peace. Because I'm pretty sure there are books in Heaven. :)

See you there.

Welcome to Heaven... erm... I mean the library

There are... a LOT of libraries in this area. All of the small cities have their own, but then San Antonio has 27 branches scattered throughout San Antonio. Over the course of the 14 months I've lived here, I've been to 3 of the branches and 2 other small city libraries. Only one of them was small - the rest... beautiful. Far nicer than any other library I've been in before. And with staff that is actually kind and helpful.

(Gainesville Public Library, that was a dig at you. Before you, I never dreamed I, I would boycott a library of all things. But you drove me to it.)

I'd heard wonderful things about the Central SAPL location though. It's the "Central" one, the MAIN one, the BEST one. But it wasn't until Saturday that a book that I wanted was there and not my regular library, so I decided I'd finally venture downtown and visit this supposedly wonderful place.

I got downtown easily enough, it's less than 20 minutes from me, but then, as apparently everyone is prone to do I got lost and drove around for about 10 minutes wondering if I'd ever find it among the construction and 1 way streets. (City of SA, please finish sometime within my lifetime.) I passed by the parking garage entrance not realizing it was the garage for the library, but thankfully it was early morning on a Saturday so there was no traffic and only one spectator as I reversed in the middle of the street until I got back to the entrance. I grabbed my parking receipt from the box, noting that I had to "pay" to go to this library in terms of parking $1 for 1 hr, $1.75 for the next (I ended up paying $1.75). Then, my dear friends I walked across the garage, past more construction boards and tarps, and stepped into the building.

And there I stopped.

Let me preface this with the fact that I've always lived in a small town before coming to SA. I've seen big buildings but for me, it's like seeing a big zucchini, - big, pretty, don't care. No friends, this was a big library. I stood there, looking to the far left, the far right, and then craning my neck backwards to see the beauty of the ceiling and the other 4 stories of books above me. Impressed is a word that does not do justice. I was awed.

I ventured to the 3rd floor, where the childrens section was larger than every other library I'd ever been in. I caressed books of braille. Then I ventured to the 2nd floor where they keep only non-fiction reference books. I ventured back to my treasure trove the 1st floor fiction. Sorted by author I finally stopped to count - there were 5 rows of H's. Row upon row upon row upon row upon row (and I could happily and legitimately keep going with the "row upon row") of books. It was more than my mind could grasp. It seemed as though I could find a book, sit down, and read for the rest of my life. And still not finish all the books I wanted.

At the end of my $1.75 parking time I was clutching 7 books and I had not even finished the "B" author section. It physically hurt to leave. And I said to myself - "I don't see how Heaven could be better than this."

Aside from the whole "Jesus" thing of course.

I'm looking forward to seeing Jesus, and while I've read words about how beautiful Heaven is, my mind can't fathom it. Just as others telling me how great that library was did no justice whatever to the grandeur and awestruck feeling I had when I stepped into it's wide entrance unable to take it all in.

So until I meet Jesus, until I get a glimpse of Heaven itself and am carried away by it's superiority to everything conceivable on Earth, Heaven for me will be that library. And I have to imagine that God is in His Heaven laughing at that very idea.

What a day that will be!

Enjoy a glimpse that doesn't even remotely convey it's grandeur.


The outside, pretty though it is, gives no clues as to the wonderment inside its doors.


Even the homeless people READ here. My old library, the homeless people just sit; happy to be indoors. Here, they read. Because you cannot help but sit and read.


I did not want to come down. Truly.

Building a fire - Big logs.

These are just some thoughts I'd had while camping recently concerning how to build the fire of God in your life. Read Part 1, and Part 2.

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It was the thick logs of wood that truly got my attention.
It changed my constant efforts to keep a fire alive to sitting back and enjoying a fire.

Where the other items, my paper, and my small sticks lasted only minutes - this... this gave us hours of enjoyment. It burned, deep and thick. And my heart cried - God, give me logs!

That spiritual burning that doesn't ever let up, that still stayed hot after we poured water on it before turning in for the night, that heat that radiated hours after we'd stopped adding wood.

The steadiness of it all, the ease of it was... mind-boggling.

But it came at a cost. The other items just took the time to pick up and stuff on the fire. Wood though, if I had not purchased it at the store would have cost me manual labor of cutting logs myself. It is not as easy as picking up stray sticks. It takes pre-meditation and effort. Or in my case, money. Which ultimately equals labor at work to earn the money.
In other words - It didn't come free.

And as I've spent the last week and a half thinking about it I have considered what those logs would be in my spiritual life.

I would compare them to time spent in earnest prayer. For every fan of the few minutes of conversation with God just before you go to bed - I think you'll see there's a difference.

I would compare them to time spent speaking in tongues and asking God for interpretation.

I would compare them to time spent not just reading the Bible but studying the Word. Seeking out answers and new/fresh revelations.

And lastly, I would compare it to time spent memorizing Gods word.

You may have some things that would add to this list. I'd love to read them if you'd like to contribute.

The logs are where the meat is. You can get saved and sit around enjoying your random stick fire. It burns bright and fast.

But me, I want logs. I want my life to be filled with time spent gathering logs in my life that will burn long and hot. It also provides more enjoyment and less searching.

Building a fire - Small sticks

These are just some thoughts I'd had while camping recently concerning how to build the fire of God in your life. Read part 1 here.

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To say that the kids and I scavenged for sticks is putting it mildly. I even hung off a steep hill clutching a fence to stay upright while reaching with my foot for a larger stick (the crowning jewel of the stick world). I got it too. :)

And actually my very first fire was just small sticks. That's all we had so I gathered as much as possible with my two semi-willing recruits and then we made fire.

Within 5 minutes I knew my little sticks were not quite up to par. I spent the next 10 minutes no where near the fire as I searched for something, anything, to keep my little fire afire. Coming back with more sticks I still enjoyed less than 15 minutes of fire. It wasn't going to last. It was beautiful, and warming, and wonderful to behold for the time I had it, but sticks just weren't good enough.

So I went out and despite my personal feelings of being ripped off at paying $4.50 for 7 split pieces of wood, I ultimately ended up getting two bundles.

The sticks still going fairly well, I added two logs to the fire and away we went. We spent the rest of the evening enjoying a wonderful flame and warmth.

The next morning, however, when I went to build another fire I had a harder time finding sticks (since we'd pilfered the area fairly well). So I didn't have quite as many sticks under my logs.
Because of that I almost didn't get a fire going.

You see, the big logs take awhile to truly "catch". Paper doesn't last long enough to catch the big logs on fire. But the paper catches the little sticks, and the little sticks burn long enough to catch the logs.

There's a good system to it all.

As I think about my life and the little sticks in my life I want to compare the little sticks to the day to day encounters with Christ. Not just the little moments where you hear a song and feel Him, but when you make sure and read your 3 chapters, 5 chapters, or how ever many you read, every single day. Or pray for 20 minutes each morning. Whatever your routine is.

I think the little sticks are the every day small things that we take for granted and consider unimportant.

We skip our daily reading because, hey, it's only 3 chapters. I can make it up tomorrow or something, today is busy. Talk to God before I go to bed? Well, I would but man, it's been a day and I'm exhausted. God won't mind. It's not like it's that big a deal.

But for every stick you take off your pile, you'll have a harder time catching the big logs on fire. My first campfire eventually burned brightly, with beautiful flames.
My second campfire with less sticks, had trouble getting started and while it burned it mostly burned hot rather than with real flames that I could watch and enjoy.

It made a real impact on me watching how the second fire had so much trouble. I'd put so much importance on the big logs yesterday... ohhh if only I could have a big log that would burn forever and my fire would then be strong and last.

But my big logs just weren't enough on their own. The foundation of those little sticks led to a beautiful bright fire. Even though they had seemed so useless on the first fire since they burnt out so quickly.

As I've said, it's easy to take for granted the small foundational things like regular prayer and reading Gods word. But it's vital.
At least if you want to build a big fire one day.
And I personally want a bonfire that will put Texas A&M to shame. :)

Building a fire - Paper First

I love camping.

If I could find some way to keep my clothes clean and neat looking so I could go to work every day - I'd happily live in a tent for the rest of my days. Especially now that I've mastered the rain fly. And no longer wake up swimming.

So this weekend, when we went camping, I absolutely enjoyed myself. *Despite the fact that I did ridicule the fact that our campground failed to actually have a "campsite" and instead called a slab of rock and a picnic table a "site". Lazy L 'n L Campground? Let me just tell you: people expect grass. They also expect to be able to be able to stake their tent to the ground without the assistance of a sledge hammer and railroad spikes. Really.

I still loved it through.

And I got to perform one of my favorite duties - making a campfire. And sitting there, watching the campfire glow and burn I couldn't help but compare the real fire to the spiritual Holy Ghost fire that I desire in my life. And I immediately began wondering if the construction of the two fires might be similar.

Since I tend to be long-winded I'm going to separate this into different posts that I'll be posting during the week. So stay tuned.

It was the construction of the fire that I began thinking about - the different elements to it. The first one being paper.

I'd rummaged through our things, and cars looking for scrap paper to put at the bottom of what would be my campfire.
Of the wood and sticks that would go on the fire, paper bits light the easiest. Just a small click of our lighter wand and the paper ignites easily. I need the paper, because it helps light the small sticks that are above it.

In my own life, in my own spiritual "fiery" moments, I've got my paper moments.
Songs that I might sing that just make me come undone with love for God such as "When I think about the Lord - It makes me wanna shout", or "Alabaster box".
Sometimes just listening to other people pray begins a small flame, or when I have just a small conversation with God because I want to add my own thoughts to someone elses blessing over dinner. They're all just little things but they provoke an instant, physical response within me as something rushes over me and I bask in the moment.

But they are just paper moments. The song ends, the prayer ends, or whatever the moment was it's just over. The paper fizzles out and it's done. It was beautiful, and bright, and wonderful - but it's over now. Because those pieces of paper don't sustain you any more than one bite of meat a day, or one sip of water. They're just wonderful moments.

Thank you Lord for the paper moments in my life. I can't live off them, but without them I would never build up to what's coming.