Michael W. Smith, Alzheimers and Hebrews 3.

It's been an incredible day.

The whole family piled into the car and trooped over to the AT&T center here in San Antonio where "church" was produced by Michael W. Smith and Max Lucado. Amazing worship service...incredible atmosphere worshipping with 14,000 other people. Amazing. MWS looked very tired.

After the trauma of yesterdays events I called my parents to see if today was going better, only to find out it most definitely wasn't. My mother, mild mannered and always smiling spent the morning screaming at her ex-husband for leaving her (he's not her ex-husband, she's just delusional during these times), threatened to kill him - including looking for his gun and threatening to cut him to pieces with a knife. She did calm down slightly while she waited for the police to arrive. That's right, she called the cops on him.

Besides deflecting the things Mrs. Hyde was throwing at him, he also got to prove to the police that he was supposed to be there, and the cars that he wouldn't allow her to drive belonged to him.

He's very tired. And we're questioning whether Namenda is actually part of the cause of her new-found violent streak. If you pray for him, or us, pray we use wisdom in making medicinal decisions for her.

I've spent a lot of time just sitting quietly before God today. I haven't the faintest idea what to say and I'm struggling with putting mom out of my mind while I worship. God deserves better than my distraction, and He also deserves for my worship to be focused on Him rather than a constant cry of "please make this better." My mind is full tonight.

That did not stop God from continuing the work He had begun in me recently. He's pushing me to watch my words, to not criticize or complain, but He's also pushing me to begin encouraging others. It's ironic how much easier it is for me to stop one bad habit than it is to start another one. I can stop complaining a lot easier than I can begin encouraging others.

Ironically enough, the pastors message tonight was about our words (surprise, surprise) and how our words are like seeds and they produce after their own kind. If I plant words of encouragement and affirmation, I will reap such - if I reap frustration and complaints, I can tell I have not planted the right seeds.

I sat down tonight to eat supper and pulled out my Bible to read as I ate, and I felt pushed to go to Hebrews chapter 3:8. I read the corresponding passage that ended up from Hebrews 3:7-14

7Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,
"Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
on the day of testing in the wilderness,
9where your fathers put me to the test
and saw my works for forty years.
10Therefore I was provoked with that generation,and said, 'They always go astray in their heart; they have not known my ways.'11 As I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest.'"
12Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.

Reading it now, I wonder why the thought occurred to me before, but it seemed as obvious as the nose on my face that exhorting others would help ME not be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
It doesn't seem to read that way now that I'm looking at it though, but I'm still holding onto my original interpretation of it simply because I know my own heart. I know the reason that I struggle with encouraging other people is simply because of deceitful sin in my heart. You might not understand, and it might not be something you struggle with, but it's right there smack dab in the middle of my heart. It's one of the few things I can actually say I "wrestle" with. I can feel it rising in me when I try to encourage someone, but God is working on me.

So, until God finishes working this in me you may be seeing me on this topic again soon.
But I want to explain something about why this post is so... odd. Why do I include the days events, the struggle with my mothers alzheimers along with the words of Hebrews 3?

I have an answer, and it is in bold because I want you to read it, and then go back and read it again firmly to yourself.

God does not stop teaching you in the bad times. God doesn't sway all of your teaching and learning to revolve around a hard time you are facing. He expects you to trust Him with that situation and yet still continue to grow and seek Him. Your relationship with Christ isn't about what situations you face or whether you are happy, sad, mourning, or joyful.
It is for all of those times.
And beyond.

Groanings that cannot be uttered.

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Romans 8:26

This evening my phone rang. My dad called. His first words were that he was in a "whole heap of trouble".
"What's wrong?"
"Your mom..."
It took him nearly a full 45 seconds to finish the sentence.
I'm pretty sure my heart didn't beat for the full 45 seconds.

He'd hidden the car keys from her, but didn't expect her to rummage through his pick up truck getting the truck keys.
She'd gotten in the truck and left.

She's stage 5/6-ish of Alzheimers.

She was gone, and he didn't know where she'd went.

As he explained that she'd been having a really bad day, telling him she couldn't stay in the house with a man (she doesn't understand he's her husband) all I could think about was: 5 hours.
It would take me 5 hours to get there.
It was too painfully far away.

In those following minutes as he told me what happened all I could say was "Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God." There weren't any other words for it. There was no eloquence, nothing. Just the knowledge that He knew the need and all I had to do was climb to His feet and hang my hopes there.

Thankfully, God answered the prayer and she turned around and returned home. My brother and I spent the next 30 minutes telling her that we had hired that man to be there to take care of her and we needed her to stay with him. It got more complicated as she informed us she didn't feel comfortable staying with her ex. (She's bent on the delusion that he left her years ago and just wandered back into the house expecting to live there.)

I could tell you the emotions that run through a person during moments like that, but I'm learning to be strong during these moments now so I did better this time than I would have a year ago.

But afterwards, after we convinced her to stay, after talking to my dad, after spending 2 hours finishing up a vicious game of Star Wars Monopoly with my nephew completely wiping me out, I was able to think past the event to something far greater.

Groanings that cannot be uttered.

When my heart is in such agony that I cannot find the words to say, when my being is so intense on the outcome that I need in a situation, that is when my prayers change to something unintelligible.
And that is what the Holy Spirit does for me. He interceeds for me with groanings that cannot be uttered.

I see it as human and emotional to be so deeply involved in my prayers that I'm unable to form the words, that only an urgent, gut wrenching groan can make it to the surface. Yet, this is how the Holy Spirit interceeds for me.

It was a vivid, though painful reminder of Gods love for me and you.
Oh how He loves us.

All that isn't to say that I wouldn't give anything not to have this lesson. To not learn of Gods love this way. There isn't anything I wouldn't give to have her be ok.

But my God is the such that even in the worst, most sickening moments of my life, He can show me something extraordinary to give me comfort. The same Holy Spirit that interceeds for me so earnestly, interceeds for my mother as well, and for all those people I've scrawled on my little prayer list.

Oh God.

What is the gospel?

I read something today over at Christ The Truth "We don't need better preaching...", concerning the need for a better gospel as opposed to a need for better preaching. I'll admit, that I didn't quite connect with his example (I suppose I just haven't come across that particular type of false gospel) but his point resounded in me none-the-less.

We need a better gospel than the one typically preached.

It seems to me our gospel today is relevant to todays culture, the churches are relevant, the programs are relevant, the teaching is relevant, the mens breakfasts, singles retreats, divorcee ministry, addiction recovery ministry, the Jewish and Davidic dancing classes are... ok, well maybe all of those except the dancing classes but I've been trying to work that into a post for weeks now and I couldn't pass up the opportunity. Seriously, San Antonio churches offer everything.

But our gospel shouldn't be relevant to what we're doing. Our lives should be twisted to be relevant to the gospel, not the gospel to our lives. If it is relevant to our lives, then it seems like all the calls to be peculiar, separate, in but not of, are all for nothing if the gospel of Christ is not peculiar, separate.

His blog post got me to thinking about my own gospel. When I tell someone the good news of Jesus Christ what am I really telling them? It seems like we always start with the lesser benefits of a relationship with Christ; peace, joy, friendship, someone to pray to who hears our cries, a comforter, etc, etc. But that isn't the gospel is it? Oh, sure it IS part of the gospel. But that's like trying to sell a hamburger by offering someone lettuce, mustard and fries. It's lacking the true meat of the business.

But I suppose the problem lies in just that. The meat is the part that people begin to reject. The meat is a harder sell because you have to first tell people that they're dying in their sins and there's only one way out. You have to tell them that Jesus Christ, left His Fathers side and setting aside the glory of Heaven He took upon Himself the form of a baby, man, so that He could physically die for our sins.

You have to tell them that if they don't accept it, they will face eternal separation from God.

I think so often we get caught up in our own relational feelings towards what God is doing right now that when someone asks us about our Savior we instantly turn to conversation about our Friend and Father, rather than being suddenly gripped with the reminder of "He saved me. I was dying, and He saved me."

Perhaps then, if we embraced the gospel message ourselves - allowed that daily reminder of the need for our whole relationship with Christ to begin with - we might find it easier to offer the lifeline to those around us who need saving.

It would change the world.

It already did once.

Attitude adjustments - Watch your words.

All I have needed, thy hands have provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

I'm listening to this song right now; summer, winter, springtime and harvest, join in witness to His great faithfulness, mercy and love.

I'm in a tranquil place at the moment, looking out the window at my tree, ceiling fan blowing a perfect breeze, and my laptop exactly where I like it: in my lap.

And all I have needed, His hands have provided.

It's easy to tell myself otherwise, because often as not, I erroneously put my "wants" in the "need" column. But in truth, all I have needed His hands have provided.

But I've noticed lately that I'm becoming a complainer. I see the negative, and complain about the negative, more than I sit back and enjoy the positive. I don't appreciate that in others, and especially don't appreciate it in myself.

So tonight I retreated to quiet; restraining myself from the negative comments and excessive use of sarcasm. I didn't win the entire battle, but I gained ground and that is progress.

Proverbs 16:24 says that pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones. And as I considered the verse, I had to change my thinking a little bit because I naturally assume the words go out to other people and are sweet to their souls, and health to their bones. Turning it around I saw it from the direction of my own words being sweet to my soul, and health to my bones.

So many sins, and faults we see as harming other people, but most often the people we hurt most are ourselves. In todays culture it seems almost insanity to find some young crippled up, sickly person and say to them that their bad attitude that they have carried all their lives has crippled them and if they would only be more pleasant...

But repeatedly, God tells us just that.

So watch your heart, watch your mouth, guard your attitude. And when you find yourself, just as I did, seeing more negatives around you than positives, stop it in it's tracks. Spend time, as I'm doing right now listening to songs of Gods faithfulness and provision, praying, steeping yourself in His word. And then do not give yourself permission to voice negatives (except in the obvious cases where it is necessary for change or correction). Once you retract the permission to be negative, you'll begin to catch yourself more often until you are able to not only not be negative, but have found those pleasant words that will be sweet to your soul, and health to your bones.

I can think of no nicer, more refreshing reason to be healthy, than the fact that you chose to keep your words healthy and your body followed suit.

Thank You Lord for not letting me blindly continue in sinfulness, and attitudes and speech that do not reflect Your goodness and mercy.

Blogkeeping updates.

Every time I do these funky little things I get a little nervous that my techie abilities are going to shine through and somehow I'll delete my hard drive or something, somehow, just by adding a simple code.
I'm paranoid sometimes.

BUT, in good news, I'm sitting around today fooling with my blog and I've added a couple of nifty features. The first of which:
I'm now on facebook and twitter (I know, I just can't get enough of myself) and now I've finally gotten some nifty buttons to let the world know that. These two little buttons will be hanging out on my sidebar from here on out. Though, if you come across a smaller one for FB please let me know.







I was also able to add some nifty features to the bottom of each post so if you are connected to those things (or practically any of the wonders of the internet) then you can select which one you're connected with and share my post via that method.
I don't know how often any of you share my posts with friends or whatnot, but if you did it's now a lot easier. If you didn't, then I'm just trying to tempt you into doing it. :)

Hope you like the changes, and if you have any housekeeping suggestions/tips/advice for the blog drop me a line!

Don't read verses, read chapters. Don't read chapters, read books.

I was reading Raw Christianity today and Gunner had posted an interview he'd conducted with Todd Bolen. I was reading through it and one particular answer caught my mind so I wanted to share it.
If you would like to read the entire Q/A head on over to his site -> here.

You teach several classes that deal with scriptural narratives, and you’re big on understanding the (real) main point of individual stories in Scripture. Why do we so often misinterpret the meaning of biblical stories? Can you give us a couple examples of stories whose actual meaning is different than its traditional or surface meaning?

There’s no magic to understanding the Bible; its meaning is not accessible only to a few trained specialists. The often-neglected key to understanding is the context. We quote a verse about God knowing the plans that he has for us, without having any idea that this was part of a letter that Jeremiah wrote to his fellow citizens who had just had their homes destroyed, their families wiped out, and their bodies dragged off to live in Babylon. We read David and Goliath as if it is primarily about God helping underdogs, without recognizing that the giant that David really defeated was Saul. Don’t read verses, read chapters. Don’t read chapters, read books. This is more work than grabbing a verse and going, but accuracy has its rewards.

Contest!

Matt, over at "The church of no people" (One of my favorite blogs btw) happens to be doing a contest. Sure, you could win a book, sure, you could win a t/shirt, but little of that is as important as what I deem the grand prize - a $30 gift card for Chick-fil-A. :)

So visit his site and leave a comment to win!

A contest for people who like free stuff.

Dear God,

I just wanted to write and say thank You for today. Nothing much happened, but I really enjoyed the day. I'm excited for the future because of the things You've put into it. Thank You for those things, and the ways I'm changing suddenly.

I've had a song stuck in my head since yesterday called "I've never been out of His care" and the line that keeps running through my mind is "And although there've been times I've been out of His will, I've never been out of His care." I've really appreciated those words. I've questioned so often in the last 4 months the right decisions to make and after making them (even though I felt confirmation from You) I feel gripped with the idea that it wasn't quite right.

But, my world isn't falling apart with the decision. Whether it was right or wrong, You've blessed me crazily so. I'm becoming a healthier person both spiritually, physically. I'm becoming less afraid of being "normal" and more willing to not be "strong". Trusting in Your strength now more than my own.

I'm shaking my head at how much I thought I trusted You before, when now it seems so much more real, and deep. It's almost as if I didn't trust at all compared to now. The same with how I'm growing to love You more as well. As I learn more about Your love for me and see more clearly Your obvious care and provision in my life I'm in awe of how valuable You are for my life, and how very necessary.

I had the opportunity to testify in church the other night, and when I did I found myself talking like I would write (usually there's a very distinct difference). And as I wondered why I changed how I talked for that moment I realized that my blog called "This Walk" is really just one great big testimony. I've written over 1,071 posts here and at least 98% have been specifically about you and how You're at work in my life. And I didn't even write everything down.

You've done so much for me.

I love You Lord, more today that I even imagined possible yesterday, and I just wanted to tell You that. Today could have been a quiet, mundane day that meant nothing but passing time to me as I wait for jobs to start - but instead it was one filled with hope and joy. Thank You so much for the little things.

I love You.

Yours,
Jeanette



Who could satisfy my soul like You? (It is in English as well on this video - I just think this is the prettiest version.)

Want to catch up?

I just finished doing something that is always interesting.

I've been gone the last several days, so tonight after I got back my sister-in-law and I just chatted about work, days, events, and the rest of the months plans. Just catching up.

This weekend I also got an e-mail from a friend of mine. She troops over to my blog when I have been a little very lax in writing her like I should. She mentioned that she was trying to catch up on my life through my blog but I was often so "cryptic" on here so it was hard for her to tell what exactly was really happening.

So I put those two events together to just come online and chat with you. All of you. I hate writing posts like this because I have a tendancy to believe that this is the post you'll click off because obviously I'm not writing anything interesting. I'm not writing about anything interesting. But maybe you'll contribute to the conversation with something about yourself that will make this far more interesting.

Let's start with something simple. Something I don't think I've mentioned about myself before.

My name is Jeanette Poteet.

It's much debated whether giving your full name out is safe or acceptable - I know. But, if you need to find me, I want you to. My e-mail address is flyawaynet at hotmail dot com. Connect.

Life is interesting, but for something specific let's start with the biggest and most basic.

I've moved to the San Antonio area.

I moved here in June and have been job hunting. I currently have two jobs - 1 as a piano teacher that goes into pre-schools and after school programs. I will be able to start that job September 1st. I'm excited about it, and certainly looking forward to getting started and feeling a little more settled in by getting into a real routine. For those of you scratching your head, I was supposed to start Aug. 17th, but the dates just changed today.

I've got another job, a part time job. I'm a waitress at Denny's. Let me tell you, I know I'm insane when I'm so crazy excited to be a waitress at Denny's. I love customer service. No, let's try that again, I LOVE customer service. And while I know this isn't a good 'career' job per se, it's a terrific hobby job that actually pays money for me to go enjoy myself. I started today with paper work but my real work will begin this Friday. I can hardly wait. Yes, I'm nuts. Did I mention how much I love Denny's food? It's got IHOP beat by a mile. Truly.

I've got a church that I'll attend on Sunday mornings, and a bible study program at a different church that I believe I'll attend on Tuesdays.

I feel strangely confused about Gods will here in San Antonio, I don't feel that confidence that I'm right smack dab in the middle of it that I used to feel. I've got a 12 month lease though and so I can rest in knowing I don't have to make any new decisions for 10 more months. I really don't know what I'll do then.

I am slowly adjusting to living with 4 other people. I miss being single and alone, but at the same time I worry about how difficult it will be to adjust back to single and alone if I leave in 10 months.

My mom is certifiably crazy now. The changes from last month to this month are scary - I'm praying with all I can that the medicine I took them this weekend will slow this roller coaster down. Her name is Judy - and if you want to pray for her specifically, my prayer right now would be that God would help with the sleep disturbances. She wakes up in the middle of the night next to my father and freaks out because she's in bed with a man she doesn't realize is her husband. For the first time, my unusual presence in the house breaking up her routine seemed to help her because I was female, and she was nervous about the man in the house.

She confided to me in a private moment that she didn't understand why "that man back there" thought she was going to marry him. It's funny how the same stories can make you both laugh and cry.

We weren't a huggy family growing up. She rarely hugged us kids, but a couple of years into her diagnosis (of Alzeimers) she began surprising me with random hugs. As she worsens, her hugs become even more frequent and she holds on tighter. I hold on a little tighter too.

Course, she hugged two strangers in Wal-mart too, so it takes a little bit of the special away. But it's awfully fun to explain.

God has been speaking to me concerning listening. For the first time ever, I received an interpretation of someone speaking in tongues. But it was just for my ears and I pondered it and while I can't quote it word for word, He was adamant "When I, the Lord speak, LISTEN" He went on, but then repeated Himself. And then at a spanish service I was prayed over in spanish, so I cannot tell you what was prayed, but suddenly both of his hands covered my ears as he prayed and I knew someone else was praying I would listen. I prayed again that I would be able to listen. I don't want to miss something. So if you pray for me as well, pray my ears would be attuned to His voice more clearly than ever

I think that just about covers most of the details. But trust me when I say, I know this is one of my least interesting posts. But YOU can make it more interesting if you'd like. I've got a nice small gathering of regulars that visit my blog now - I see your IP addresses showing up a few times a week, or the few of you that stop by every day, and my handy google reader friends. So, lets ALL catch up. Tell me who you are, where are you at physically and spiritually? Let me pray for you with more information than your IP address or the strange information you searched google for to find me. I'm glad to know you stop by, but click comment and tell me who is reading. Let's catch up with each other.

I can't wait to go back.

I worried about going to Mexico this time. My mind remembers it as crowded, with people on every side of you trying to get your attention. It can easily be overwhelming. The sidewalks are full of carts of things, and people trying to hawk them to you. Men, lots of men, everywhere, calling out to you, trying to sell you on a multitude of various items. If you act interested in any of them, you are promptly taken by the arm and walked to their building.
It's probably these few brief visits that have taught me the most about boldness and standing up for myself. I learned to know what I'm there for and not be afraid to dig for it - refusing to be distracted.

Then, and only then, do I allow myself the freedom to wander slowly down the aisles of a nearby marketplace, enjoying the unique beauty of the strange items so similar but different to our own stores. To lose focus and simply enjoy the strangeness of the culture around me.

It's in those moments that I wonder why I feared coming here. The beauty and culture, the very life of these people around me is so overwhelmingly powerful in a good way. These streets seem to have a story to tell of so many people walking down these roads, or of those natives who sit on these roads day in and day out struggling to make money for their families to eat.
This place has a life of it's very own - I can't wait to go back.
~~~~
I worry about reading my Bible. My mind remembers it as crowded with information on every side vying for my attention. It can easily be overwhelming. The chapters are full of things, words with strange meanings, or secondary meanings just trying to get me to to show interest. Words, thoughts, ideas, questions, all calling out to me trying to sell me on multiple opinions or doctrines. If I act interested in one item I'm promptly paraded past verse after verse drawn away from my original search and led down paths that I never intended to to wander down.
It's probably in my many visits there, that I have learned focus, and boldness and the ability to discipline myself. I learned to know what I'm there for and not be afraid to dig for it - refusing to be distracted.

Then, and only then, do I allow myself the freedom to wander slowly through the pages, and verses that lead me down unusual paths. To enjoy lives, hearts and words so similar and yet so very different from my own. To lose focus and simply enjoy the strangeness of the culture within.

It's in those moments that I wonder why I worried about reading this Book. It is vast and valuable, so unique and immeasurable in the very life of it somehow these inanimate pages have a life all their own. I can't wait to go back.

A thirst for life

WOW, A terrific quote that I can't let you miss:

"It is not because [the Christian] has had so little of Christ that he yearns for more. It is precisely because he has had so much of Christ that he is sure God intends him for the perfected experience. . . . Paul knew that what had entered him on the day of his conversion was life of the eternal order. He possessed it; it was there. Yet Holtzmann is perfectly right when he says that, 'Biblical religion in general, Pauline in particular, is a thirst for life.'"
James S. Steward, A Man In Christ, pages 201-202.

(HT to Christ Is Deeper Still)

Part 2 changes to grace

The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.

It's a quiet evening, quieter than most. I'm getting ready to drive to Mexico tomorrow to pick up my moms medicine. My thoughts circle that only briefly though as I sit in the quietness listening to the song "Mighty to Save" by Hillsong.

My God is mighty to save.

Take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Savior, he can move a mountain
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever, Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave.

It's a strange sense of broken-ness and disappointment that I feel tonight. I feel absolutely wholly confident in my salvation, knowing full well that for reasons I can't quite comprehend - I am loved and accepted in Jesus Christ.

The broken-ness and disappointment comes from craving holiness so very much and as I dig weeds out of my life I stumble across something so vile and offensive to myself that I can only imagine how God must feel about it.

You see, I've taken verses like the one above about a "good man" and applied them to myself to the point that my heart became proud and I actually thought I was good.
Even now, I instinctively wanted to clarify "not that I'm BAD..." but the truth is -I'm not good.
The Bible even tells me so - "And he (Jesus) said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. " Matthew 19:17

And I think today, as I struggled against the thought that I wasn't good enough to suit myself, I received the best understanding I've gotten so far concerning my salvation. God loves me. He loves me to such an extent that He's still working on me. He's still creating in me the masterpiece that He alone knows the outcome of. My sins, my filth and failures don't make Him abandon me to my foolishness - He just loves me and keeps working.

I love Him more today than I ever imagined it was possible. I covet Him more with every passing day. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be a jerk every once in awhile. Because somewhere deep in my heart, surrounded by the radiance that is Christs goodness - is a little portion of Jeanette the Jerk that just hasn't been killed off yet.

I'm waiting on the Lord, I'm trusting in His abilities to kill off the parts of me that are a dishonor to His righteousness. And I'm trying my dead level best to surrender to His work in those areas.
Because He can. He will. Because He loves me.

I wish I could describe it to you better, but His love has made surrender easy. He is all I need.

Freecycle - New Friends - Churches.

I had a good day today. I went to a terrific church service thanks to the invitation of my new friend (and regular anonymous commenter), Destiny. Freedom was a great church and I look forward to visiting again soon.

Amazingly enough we met through Freecycle, a program where people offer things they no longer use/need so that they can be reused rather than filling up our landfills with more "stuff". Destiny responded to one of my posts and, in what is normally a very brief exchange of information where one person tells the other where/when to pick it up and the other one replies "Ok, thanks!" we somehow began talking about the Holy Spirit and Christianity.

I've talked before about how the steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord - well one day several weeks ago I had at least 15 responses asking for the item I was offering on freecycle. I did not pick the first person who asked, but after reading each persons e-mail I selected one of them. I selected Destiny.

And because of that decision, and the subsequent conversations, I now have a church that, while it may not necessarily become home, it's a place I know I will be attending until such time as God leads me to someplace else.

All because I posted on freecycle.

There is more to this post, but I'm not going to try to write it tonight, but will finish it later. This is one of my few 2 parters.
Stay tuned.

God is on your side.

Instantly, as I typed the title of this post, the traditional religious remark came to mind "God doesn't need to be on your side, YOU need to be on GODS side."
And I'm remembering a recent post someone wrote about how Christians too often think God has done something for them when in actuality God does nothing except for His own glory.

And while initially, arguments like that resonate with me and I tend to agree - I have seen a pattern of things in my life where I was the only one who knew what God did. So the glory He would have received from it would have only come from me. But that means the only reason God does nice things for me is so that I will glorify Him.

That speaks a lot about motivation. He didn't do it because He loved, but because He would be glorified.

I'm horrible about arguing spiritual points simply because someone who has actually studied scripture (as opposed to my read-and-think method) usually knocks my arguments over with verse after verse. And here I sit with only John 3:16.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

His motivations are spoken of in that verse. It's typical cause and effect. Because God loved us He sent His Son.
Perhaps I get caught away with an overly emotional view of God but, I can't help but believe that God loves us first, and an effect of that is glory.

All that to tell this story.

I went to a church program this morning. They were giving out school supplies so my sister-in-law and I took the kids by at the invitation of a lady we'd met in the supermarket the night before.
2 hours later, we'd stood waiting, while they blared incredible loud hip hop music through the speakers. We'd watched kids take the stage and do "Dance offs", play multiple rounds of "Let's make a deal", and a fashion show. We'd been subjected to a barrage of sales people - State Farm, Allstate, two different home health agencies, credit card applications, jewelry sales, and 2 different entities wanting to take the kids fingerprints.
I saw a world around me that, while some may have known God, I knew many of them probably didn't - and here, trapped in this large auditorium with an incredible opportunity to tell them of Gods love, they didn't. After 2 hours of waiting, (because they only passed out the school supplies twice an hour to the first 15 people in line) we left mid-fashion show.

I walked away disappointed. Where was God in all this? I was hurt, and more than a little tired because I've been bearing the standard "There ARE Christians, true, God-seeking Christians here in this town." and while I have found them, there are just so many other examples of what Christianity shouldn't be here that it's overwhelming.

I came home, snapped at my family, and told them to go on their plans for the afternoons outing without me. Then, I found my quiet place and tearfully asked God "Where is Your Church?"
I could think of no other question than that. I was angry, disappointed, hurt, tired, frustrated, and a few more synonyms for "upset" that I can't think about right now.

An hour later, my family left on their plans.
30 minutes after that a pastor showed up at my door.
He, and his congregant, wanted to thank us for coming to his church last week and talk to us.
They both sat and talked about biblical things with me for an hour.
I was sorry to see them go.

I believe God had a special timing for that visit, maybe nothing about our unplanned and certainly impromptu stop at their church last week was supposed to mean anything for anyone else but I believe God knew I could use some one to talk to today.
And I think He did it just because He really truly loves me and cares about my needs.
And that's why I wanted to write this - to give Him glory.

I am NOT hard of hearing.

I'm not.
I hear plenty. Actually, I hear too much. That's the problem.

I was on the phone today, when two other people entered the room and started whispering to one another. They were trying to be considerate of the fact that I was on the phone
(Duly noted, and appreciated)
But I couldn't hear a word of what the person on the phone said.

Oh I heard them talking.

And I heard the whisperers talking.

But I couldn't hear a single word.

I'm a focused person. If you talk to me, I listen. If for no other reason than that I have a hard time concentrating on anything else while you do. I can't listen to you, and think something else through at the same time. Those are the times that, despite how attentive I looked when I squinted at you thoughtfully, I was really trying to think through some other idea that just came to me.
Those ideas are usually based off your words though - does that make it any palatable?

This seems like a rambling post so far, but I really am going somewhere with this.

God is specific that no man can serve two masters. It's either all God or all Devil. Regardless of what you think.

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Matthew 6:24

For the past couple of years I've struggled with the normal. The typical. The house, the two car garage, the dog, the job, the 401K with medical benefits. It just seems as though my life should be radical. Unusual. Set apart for something foreign to this world.

I just have never figured out how you can have so many things of this world and still have God.
And I realized today that maybe I've been too harsh on Christians in general. Maybe they can hear two conversations and still focus in on what they need to hear. But I was built and designed for focus. To hear one conversation and follow it with all my heart.
Because that's exactly how I live my life.

But maybe my life hasn't turned into all the Fruit that it could simply because I don't distinguish between the two conversations so well. It's harder for me to pick out Gods voice amongst the din of everything else.

So perhaps my spiritual growth is hindered right now only by my ability to shut everything else up?

Is God really calling me to a radical lifestyle?Or am I just hearing too many conversations?
(As a side note I am still growing here. I'm not saying that I'm not. But I want to grow so badly so deeply that I spend a great deal of time searching for weeds in my garden that suck the nutrients out of my ability to produce fruit. I'm still growing. Oh and I'm so very glad.)

***A few moments after posting I realized just how huge a target I made myself for the typical "She hears voices" joke.. Go ahead and make the joke if you want, but now it looks cheap because I just pointed out how obvious the joke was. :) ***

Desperate Prayer - Link

A post from Tim Chester on "Desperate Prayer"

Short, sweet - loved it.

I wonder...

... when did the gospel message become more about "Accept Jesus, Jesus loves you" intead of "All have sinned...you haved sinned... Jesus died for your sins because Jesus loves you. Repent of your sins, and accept Jesus as Lord of your life."

Holiness struggles

I sent an e-mail today that I really hated to send.

It was a good chronicle of how I am still held back by thoughts and emotions that are not of God. And why I wasn't breaking out of them.

The why explanation was simply this: I still believe them.

And between erring between the two sides, I choose to err on the side I've been on for most of my life because to err on the other side is ... well, just something I can't stand.

And I wondered, not for the first time, how you get to a place beyond this. Where long held ideals, long held biases, long held fears somehow are diminished under the cloak of holiness and Gods perfect healing and grace. Holiness that doesn't allow you to accept anything but perfect in yourself. Holiness that God, in His mercy, increases by clarifying your motives when you don't even realize they weren't right.

Writing that e-mail today was the perfect way to realize that I've accepted a certain area that hasn't been given over to God. It's still fully controlled by me.

It's easy to shrug it off and say "nobody's perfect" but I don't want to do that because perfection is exactly what I'm striving for.

It leaves me in a quandary. Because I don't have the faintest clue how to act outside of these false beliefs.

All that to say this:

There really ought to be a sign upon my heart
Don't judge me yet I'm an unfinished part
But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Fathers loving hand.

He's still workin' on me.
To make me what I ought to be
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
The Sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
Cause He's still workin' on me.

In the mirror of His Word - reflections that I see
Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.
But He loves me as I am
And helps me when I pray
Remember He's the Potter I'm the clay.

Relearning Forgiveness

I was thinking about a lot of things today. I almost wrote an entire post concerning why we witness to people - do we do it because we want to be able to draw another tally line next to our name under the "saved" column, or do we do it because we're genuinely broken over the idea that this person will spend eternity in hell?

I think it's easy for us to blur that line, because "all's well that ends well". Saved is saved no matter what your motives for witnessing to them were.

And then this evening I was in a car and one of my brothers "bible on cd" discs was playing. It's one of those rare moments when you already know something but somehow you walk away from hearing it knowing it in a clearer more impacted way.

Samuel L. Jackson was the voice-over for Jesus - it's strange, I know - and my brother liked how he said something so he went back on the tape directing our attention to it. I believe God wanted me to hear it too.

It was the story of the man who owed a great debt to a king, but the man could not pay his debt so the king ordered him put into prison. The man then fell down and begged the king to please have pity on him and he would pay his debt if only the king would be patient with him.
The king then, moved with compassion, forgave the man and completely pardoned the debt.

The forgiven man then went out, and found a man that owed him only a little money and demanded he pay his debt. When he found out that the man could not pay his debt, he then ordered him to be put into prison. The poor man fell to his knees begging for mercy, that he would somehow repay his entire debt if only given more time.

The forgiven man refused and sent the man to prison.

Others saw it and were displeased so they went to the king and reported what they had seen.
The king was very angry and reminded the man that he had been forgiven a great amount, so he should have shown mercy himself to his own debtors. In his anger, the king sent the man away to be punished until such time as his original full debt was paid.
(Story found in Matthew 18:21-35)

For some reason, hearing that story tonight struck me deeply. I think, too easily, that I'm a good person. That when someone wrongs me I will forgive them easily because I'm not the type to hold grudges or because it's just not worth being upset over.
But, just like I mentioned earlier, not everything can be covered with the "all's well that ends well".

God doesn't want me to forgive so I won't be angry. God doesn't want me to forgive because it's not worth fighting about. God doesn't want me to forgive because it was only mildly important to me anyway.

He wants me to forgive because of the blindingly obvious realization that I have been forgiven so very much by so great a King that the mercy I've been shown by Him draws the forgiveness out of me towards others.

And yet another thing... Two weeks ago, on a Sunday, when we attended church the topic of the morning service was about forgiveness, and I confess I thought "Well, this message is for someone else, because I don't have anyone I'm not able to forgive."
The evening service, at a completely different church, was, ironically enough, about forgiveness as well. We got back in the car as my brother jokingly apologized to whoever in the car might possibly be needing to forgive him of something. But even with a double hitter, I assumed the message wasn't for me.

Every message is for me.

It just took a little while for the point to make it all the way home.

So may this be a reminder for my future self - Listen.

Newest sidebar additions. Updating my blog.

It's been quite a while since I updated the information on my sidebar concerning links. A few that were over there weren't really good anymore and considering how long my list is that I'm going through every day I knew I was missing several key bloggers that ought to be read.

So if you look at the sidebar, you'll see it's been updated, but I thought I'd try and give you a little help in figuring out which ones you might like. I might not be able to tell you much about each one, but hopefully most of them will get a description.

Anti-itch Meditation This blog is one of my top 3. If you've been checking out links in my reader feed on the side bar, several have come from here.

A Place For The God-Hungry Ok, no real description on this, just Christian Living. Good insights.

Bring The Rain This is a blog from a mom who started the blog because of a tragic diagnosis concerning her unborn baby. She was given (I believe) 2 hours with the child after birth before her daughter, Audrey Caroline, passed away. It's more of a personal blog and her walk with God than most of the rest you'll find in this list.

Chris Hamer-Hodges He doesn't post very often at all, but when he does it's certainly worth the wait.

Christ Is Deeper Still This site is also in my top 3. He's often in my reader links on the side as I'm always marking his posts.

Christ The Truth Ditto for him, he's the last of my top 3 and always in my reader links when he posts something excellent - which is often.

Cross The Road He doesn't post too often, (every 2 weeks or so) but I've always enjoyed his posts. They typically link to real life lessons and that's right up my alley.

Don't Call Me Veronica The rest of his title says "That's not my name" He makes a point in his "legend of Veronica": "Have you ever had someone put a label on you that wasn't true?" Most people would respond with a "Yes," a nod, or at the very least a mild grunt. You'd then continue with, "So have I. And even though these labels aren't true and we know they aren't true, so often we just accept them without claiming out loud who we really are instead. In this case, my name isn't Veronica and so I want everyone to know what my name really is. It's Kenny." It's usually a good read.

Gospel Driven Life Not in my top 3 but awfully close. He makes my reader links in the sidebar pretty regularly.

Hungry And Thirsty He has a unique writing style that makes it easy to keep reading even if he gets long-winded. Not that I'm complaining, I've seen my blog. ;)

In All Honesty This lady did some amazing posts concerning tabernacle sacrifices and her Sunday School class learning about them for many many weeks.

Mount Jesus Focuses in on the Sermon on the Mount

Preacherman Preacher from Texas. He'll come preach for you if you like!

Steven Furtick This one is a bit of a conundrum (and yes, I am happy to be able to use such a unique word)... I'd NEVER attend his church. Can't stand his videos typically, but love his writing. He has a talent I don't have - the ability to be succinct and profound all at once.

The 48 files I often have to read his posts slowly because he makes me think. I imagine he reads a lot because he typically has a lot of quotes.

The Church Of No People I get a little frustrated with him sometimes, but am still a faithful reader and enjoy his posts. Even if I get frustrated.

The Jesus Paradigm Nate has this blog... it used to be called "Into The Desert".

So there you are... the latest additions to my sidebar. I hope you find some you enjoy!

Watchman Nee - You must cease to do.

Glen over at Christ The Truth posted this from Watchman Nees book Sit, Walk, Stand.
I thought it was amazing so I wanted to share it just as he did.

“An engineer living in a large city in the West left his homeland for the Far East. He was away for two or three years, and during his absence his wife was unfaithful to him and went off with one of his best friends. On his return home he found he had lost his wife, his two children and his best friend. At the close of a meeting which I was addressing, this grief-stricken man unburdened himself to me. ‘Day and night for two solid years my heart has been full of hatred,’ he said. ‘I am a Christian, and I know I ought to forgive my wife and my friend, but though I try and try to forgive them, I simply cannot. Every day I resolve to love them, and every day I fail. What can I do about it?’ ‘Do nothing at all,’ I replied. ‘What do you mean?’ he asked, startled. ‘Am I to continue to hate them?’ So I explained: ‘The solution of your problem lies here, that when the Lord Jesus died on the Cross he not only bore your sins away but he bore you away too. When he was crucified, your old man was crucified in him, so that that unforgiving you, who simply cannot love those who have wronged you, has been taken right out of the way in his death. God has dealt with the whole situation in the Cross, and there is nothing left for you to deal with. Just say to him, ‘Lord, I cannot love and I give up trying, but I count on thy perfect love. I cannot forgive, but I trust thee to forgive instead of me, and to do so henceforth in me.’

The man sat there amazed and said, ‘That’s all so new, I feel I must do something about it.’ Then a moment later he added again, ‘But what can I do?’ ‘God is waiting till you cease to do,’ I said. ‘When you cease doing, then God will begin. Have you ever tried to save a drowning man? The trouble is that his fear prevents him trusting himself to you. When that is so, there are just two ways of going about it. Either you must knock him unconscious and then drag him to the shore, or else you must leave him to struggle and shout until his strength gives way before you go to his rescue. If you try to save him while he has any strength left, he will clutch at you in his terror and drag you under, and both he and you will be lost. God is waiting for your store of strength to be utterly exhausted before he can deliver you. Once you have ceased to struggle, he will do everything. God is waiting for you to despair.’

My engineer friend jumped up. ‘Brother,’ he said, ‘I’ve seen it. Praise God, it’s all right now with me! There’s nothing for me to do. He has done it all!’ And with radiant face he went off rejoicing.”

I did the exact same thing once, radiant and amazed that God had somehow taken so great a burden of forgiveness off of me. As complicated as I've said God can be, sometimes relief comes from the simplest of actions.

Give up.

My God shall supply... Himself.

So obviously, I've been looking for work since moving here. That information certainly hasn't been classified. I've been on several interviews, and usually walked away thinking "Yeah, it's a job but I wouldn't enjoy it."

But then one job came along. It was a special job that I'm still surprised I took the time to apply for. It seemed ridiculous to even try. It was completely different from anything else I applied for.

And I walked away from it and I told God that there wasn't any chance of getting it but "God, that's the job I want."

And today, they offered me the job.

Now that the initial happy dance is over, my heart is still simply looking to God almost with embarrassment. "God, it's so good... You didn't have to do this." It's a gift of truly thoughtful proportions. I've received gifts of monetary proportions before, and while surprised at them I was not usually overly impressed.

But when my great-grandmother, a woman that I'd never met, didn't even realize she existed, left me a crocheted afghan when she passed away - her gift is still a treasured keepsake displayed where ever I go.

This job, the fact that it was the only one that I stopped to say "That's the one God", just reminds me how very blessed I am. He's done so very much - He didn't have to do more. But my God doesn't work that way. He doesn't give until He decides it's "enough". He gives from abundant mercy that is new every morning. From abundant favor that never fades away. No matter how foolish I am sometimes.

My God shall supply all my needs, just as I said yesterday, and He has supplied all my needs.
Because more than anything else - I just need Him.

Beautiful contradictions

Something came to me yesterday as I was writing about Paul and his confidence in doing what God would have him to do.
If you'll allow me a quote, he says:
"I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. " Philippians 4:12

And one of my personal favorites (though only if I'm able to close my mind to the idea of the things he's suffered) is what I assume to be one of the few rants you'll find in the Bible.

Paul takes off on a tangent in 2 Corinthians 11:
"Seeing that many glory after the flesh, I will glory also.
For ye suffer fools gladly, seeing ye yourselves are wise.
For ye suffer, if a man bring you into bondage, if a man devour you, if a man take of you, if a man exalt himself, if a man smite you on the face.
I speak as concerning reproach, as though we had been weak. Howbeit whereinsoever any is bold, (I speak foolishly,) I am bold also.
Are they Hebrews? so am I. Are they Israelites? so am I. Are they the seed of Abraham? so am I.
Are they ministers of Christ? (I speak as a fool) I am more; in labours more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft.
Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one.
Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep;
In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren;
In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness.
Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches.
Who is weak, and I am not weak? who is offended, and I burn not?
If I must needs glory, I will glory of the things which concern mine infirmities"

Did you read that? The part that really speaks out to me is "in weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often..."

That is the life of Paul.

But I said this connected to the chapter in Philippians didn't I. I do have a point.

The same Paul that said how he suffered weariness, painfulness, hunger and thirst -
is the same man that wrote "My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in Glory." (Philippians 4:19)

And he meant it. God meant it. Means it.

I find that a fascinating contradiction.

I was talking to someone today about faith, and after several questions that I could only prayerfully guess at, I finally ended up saying what no one wants to hear: "I believe it, because I have faith."
I'd love to have all the answers, but God doesn't trot down here to earth in the evenings to chit chat about why He does what He does all the time. I have to accept some things purely on faith.
So when you're hungering, and thirsting, weary and hurting, God still supplies all your needs.

It doesn't make sense. It doesn't mesh together. Joel Osteen probably doesn't preach it. ;)
But that's the crazy, and wonderful thing about serving God. It's true, all true, whether you believe it or not. Whether I believe it or not. God doesn't pull His holy hair out waiting on me to understand, He says "trust Me anyway" and you choose faith or fear.

We want God... ok, I want God to be easy sometimes. Uncomplicated. I'd like Him on a first grade level that spells out everything in simple terms with words that don't go longer than 5 letters as opposed to "predestination", "existentialism", "theocentric".
But God... right behind the definition "God is: Love" is "God is: Complicated"

Perhaps one day when I'm able to function with more than 10% of my brain I might be able to comprehend a bit more of His ways. But right now, the thing that holds my faith tightly to the cross is simply that He warned me I wouldn't understand. He knew it was going to happen.
And then He simply expected me to trust Him anyway. (Isaiah 55:6-13)

What can you do?

I was sitting on the floor tonight just staring at a plaque I received a couple of months ago. I posted on it, including a picture if you'd like to see it.

The plaque simply states "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4"13

I sat here, just reading the words over and over again wondering about them. Wondering about some people I've met recently and their situations. Wondering vaguely about the people I live with and their situations. Wondering about the kids and their situations. Wondering about my family and their situations. Wondering about myself and my own situations.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. I can do all things, I can do all things, I can do all things...

Then suddenly the question crossed my mind: What can I do?

When I read the context of what Paul is saying in that chapter it doesn't fit what we generally use the verse for.
I love to pop that verse out when I want to do something that I'm not sure I can actually accomplish "I can do all things". When I was on a puppet team, part of the practice was constantly going up, and down (walking your puppet high into the air, and walking it realistically back down) and we did this to the rhythm of "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" set to music. It was hard work because you're not used to holding your arm in such positions for so long.

But you had to do it to build up endurance if you ever wanted to be able to actually endure a show.

If you asked me to go to China, and preach the gospel in a hostile country I would announce that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me". And I would be wrong.
But if God asked me to go to China, and preach the gospel in a hostile country, I could announce the very same thing and be 100% accurate.

I can only stand confident that I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me, if I am confident I am doing something for which Christ would strengthen me for. Do so many of our endeavors fail and crumble because we are constantly attempting things for which God is not willing to strengthen us for? Obviously if I set out to murder someone, I'd be crazy to imagine that I would succeed because "I can do all things..."
Yet I wonder if that foolish man, building his house upon the sand said those exact same words.
If the prodigals of this world wandered from home saying "I can do all things..."

We've put more emphasis on the "I" rather than the "Christ".

Paul learned to be content though we was abased because God led him into abasement. He learned to be content though he abounded because God led him into abundance.
Paul learned to be content through trials because God led him into trials.

To which he stood up and said "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

If God leads me into something, He will give me the strength to make it through. Always.
But as I've grown all too fond of saying, my idea of 'making it' doesn't necessarily match up with His idea of 'making it'.

I was listening to a lady today who was obviously very hurt over her failed marriage. Her husband, a minister, had left her for a younger woman. Or, more accurately, she had left her husband when he informed her that he no longer cared for her and was in love with this younger woman.
She had walked away from a $250,000 house according to her. And in the conversation she just kept saying how she believed that if God shuts one door, He is opening a door for something better and a bigger blessing to you. So she stated that she was choosing to be excited because if God took a $250,000 house from her - then what greatness she was going to be coming into to get something better than that!

Gods idea of great, doesn't match mine. Personal prosperity of peace, joy, patience, love, gentleness, self-control, kindness, faith, goodness (that's 9, I think I got 'em all!) is not the same as financial prosperity. And while at times part of me would probably choose one over the other - ultimately, in concrete, I choose personal prosperity.
I'll scrawl dreams of financial prosperity into the sand to be washed away by the next tide.
I'd rather have Jesus.

But I only get my personal prosperity by following this tentative path where ever it leads me.
But I do it more soberly now in my heart, knowing that "I can't do all things."
But I can do all things as the Lord strengthens me for His work.

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

So what can I do? What will I have the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual strength to accomplish?

Whatever God wants me to.

Anything to add?

Listening for God

I was reading a post concerning Josh Wood. You might recall I had posted on him nearly two years ago when he was attacked and went into a coma. His mother still posts on his caringbridge website if you'd like to see updates.

The update I read today had a special Bible verse in it and I had to stop and read the chapter.
It was from Isaiah 30.

The verses I pulled out were 19-21. (Isaiah 30:19-21)

The whole chapter is about these people that went into great sin, and then the Lord says something interesting.

"And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him." (Isaiah 30:18)

I'd hate to think that my actions were making God wait on being gracious to me. I just found that verse especially interesting.

But then the next three verses completely got my attention:

"For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem: thou shalt weep no more: he will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer thee.
And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity, and the water of affliction, yet shall not thy teachers be removed into a corner any more, but thine eyes shall see thy teachers:
And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left. "

I always worry about taking Bible verses that seem to be in a particular context and simply inserting them into my life and situation. It could simply be the typical issue like how you never notice a blue Jeep Liberty until someone mentions it. Then you see them all over the place.
I don't like red herrings.

There were just a lot of key words that I've been using a lot lately in this entire chapter. Even though it seems like an awfully strange chapter to take comfort from. Seriously, have you read Isaiah 30 lately???

But still, the minute I read those verses Angie had posted I dropped what I was doing and stopped to read the chapter. I had to.
Because when God speaks, everybody listens. Even E.F. Hutton. ;)

Alzheimers Information

Since posting more details about my mothers alzheimers, I've had a few contacts from people telling me they are dealing with the disease as well. Since I'm the google bot for getting information to my dad I thought I'd share the information I'm passing along to him, with you.

Alzheimer's Info

We are going to be changing her medication from the well known and loved Aricept which is no longer working, to a product called Namenda. As with all alzheimer's medication it is very expensive. A months supply ranges from $138 - $148.

Since my parents do not have health insurance we take option number 3 and travel to a little city called Progreso, Mexico where this product is available for $80. If you'd like more information on purchasing medicine from Mexico feel free to contact me. A lot of medications, even with insurance, can be extraordinarily expensive and these trips to Mexico have been very easy.

If you are still in the mild to moderate stage you can look into a neat new patch called Exelon, but since I've seen Aricept do so well I wouldn't use anything but that. After 4 years though, Aricept is no longer meeting her needs so we need to switch and we'll be moving to the "Moderate to Severe" medications.

It's a little hard to imagine how it helps when a person is so confused, but the way my research has described it to me is that it helps them continue to be independent a little bit longer (e.g. not needing assistance showering, going to the bathroom, etc.). All good things.

I wish no one needed this information. And I certainly feel for you if you do need it. But I hope this is helpful to you.

Don't Give Up.

I don't know what part of "His ways aren't our ways, His thoughts aren't our thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-13) doesn't sink in with us, but... we won't always understand what is happening.

And when that happens, Don't give up.
Don't give up.

Don't. Give. Up.

You won't always understand... accept that. Be willing to fight the good fight, even when you can't see your enemy clearly.
Be willing to endure the race, even when you don't see the end in sight.
Be willing to stand, with hope, even when things seem hopeless.

Be willing to press on with patience. Patiently awaiting the day when Gods plan, His will, finally shines itself through whatever your situation is.

Don't give up.

Guard yourself against the "give up" language.

When Elijah ran into the cave yelling about how he was the only one left, God knew He had people reserved. The fact that Elijah couldn't see them made him want to quit. But don't. (1 Kings 19)

Stand firm, in faith, waiting for Gods plan to manifest itself.

I was thinking on Wednesday night how the "steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord".(Ps 37:23)

We were unusually late for church Wednesday. We're always a little late because of a work schedule but this time different things happened to slow us down. So, 30 minutes after church had started we finally walked in the door. It was a very loud, and very soulful black church. (Our 2nd one to attend, they do a better job of welcoming people than most churches do.) Right outside the door we were listening to the unusual music coming through the walls and considered leaving.

But we carried on walking and went into the service where the song service was slowly coming to a close. I wondered briefly if we had been there at the beginning if we would have stayed through the song service. But we were late - so it wasn't an issue.

There were a lot of preliminaries and while I could describe a lot about the church I just want to mention this one preliminary act.

A gentleman got up, and instructed us to get out our Bibles.
We then repeated after him this "Bible Declaration"

Bible Declaration
This is my Bible, I am what it says I am. I can do what it says I can do. I am a believer and not a doubter. I respect and love the Word of God.

My Bible contains the inspired, immutable, prophetic, and unadulterated Word of God.

The words in my Bible contain seeds to exceedingly great and precious promises that lead to blessings, faith, wisdom, and prosperity.

The Word of God can set the captives free, heal the broken hearted, open blinded eyes, raise the dead, break demonic possession, depression and all types of oppression.

The Word of God is restoring my mind.
The Word of God is restoring marriages.
The Word of God is restoring ministries.
The Word of God is healing diseases.
And because of the Word of God I will never, ever be the same again!

And standing there, joyfully, with all these other believers who know as I do that this book, this God has changed their lives, I was profoundly thankful that I'd been led to that church.
And I grabbed onto the promise that each step I'm taking here - each new church, each new endeavor (as long as I listen and listen hard) is ordered of the Lord.

Even with my long diatribe about the church I went to last Sunday, God was able to use that awful place to work repentance and renewed reverence in me. The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.

Even with my many complaints about being bored because I haven't begun working full time yet, God has worked a patience in me and a peace concerning it. The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.

We all say we understand that God is not our Christian Santa Claus, yet we still act as though He is. Here's what I want, what I believe I need. Now go fetch it for me God.
The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.
Those steps don't always lead you where you expect to go. They don't always lead you where you want to go. But they will always lead you where it is best for you to go.

So don't give up. Whatever it is in your life that doesn't make sense right now, trust God and wait. I cannot tell you the peace I've gained in the middle of troubling circumstances. That is why I speak of joy and unhappiness abiding together in me because I am profoundly troubled and hurt by things going on around me, yet there is still joy. ** I only just now caught that I said I could not tell you it... it truly is joy unspeakable and full of glory**

But God is most glorified when your patience comes in the middle of a trial that would invoke impatience.
Just as He was most glorified when His Son, Jesus Christ, died for love of a people that should have invoked hatred. For while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

So, don't give up. Wait upon the Lord: be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord. (Ps. 27:14)

Don't give up.

Bridge of Grace quote - Spurgeon

A fitting quote for me from Spurgeon:

“The bridge of grace will bear your weight, brother. Thousands of big sinners have gone across that bridge, yea, tens of thousands have gone over it. I can hear their trampings now as they traverse the great arches of the bridge of salvation. They come by the thousands, by their myriads, e’er since that day when Christ first entered His glory.

They come and yet never a stone has sprung in that mighty bridge. Some have been the chief of sinners and some have come at the very last of their days but the arch has never yielded beneath their weight. I will go with them, trusting to the same support. It will bear me over as it has for them.”

(Found at The Gospel Driven Church)

Home.

This story doesn't have an ending yet, even as I begin to write out the idea I know it doesn't. You see, I'm sitting here missing home.
And I struggle with the idea that I no longer have a home.

The place I've called home for the last 2 years, isn't home anymore. The general area I lived in for the past 10 years, it's not home anymore.

If I stood up today, and said "I've had it, I'm going back home.", I've realized that there is no place to go to.

But here's what I began to wonder, as I longed for the settled and comfortable feeling of 'home'. I've never been to my real home. You see, when I die and leave this house, this state, my friends and family, I'll go home. A place where I will never long for anything else, ever again.

And I'm thankful for this... unsettling lesson about where I am truly supposed to consider myself settled.
Because as Christ prepares Heaven for my arrival, I doubt He considered Whitesboro, Texas my "home". It was just a place to be until such time as I can go home.

I wonder how many opportunities are lost, refused, rejected, or not even considered, because they involve us giving up our settled-ness, our comfort, our familiar. While I latch on to things, trying to claim them as my own so I can feel validated, accepted, and comfortable - I wonder if God looks on with eyes seeing me as a child trying to make a Wal-Mart their home. If your child did that, you'd think he'd lost his mind, "You're not going to stay here." would be the first reasoning you'd give as to the foolishness.

I'm not going to stay here on earth. My home is somewhere else.
But for my actions, my desires, my longings to change - I need God to change my heart. So when I sit down to long for home - I long for the right one.

Joy vs. Happiness.

I was thinking today about joy. And happiness.

And I wondered if it's possible to not be happy, but to have joy.

Could joy be defined as something you have despite your circumstances, and happiness defined as something you find in your circumstances?

If you say you have joy, but the moment a difficult struggle comes along you lose your joy - was it really joy? or simply happiness that is easily produced in good times?

Granted joy, just like faith, can falter sometimes - but overall, would the definition fit?

Exceedingly and abundantly beyond all I can ask or think according to the power that worketh in me

I wanted to wait until I had something more solid but I wanted to share this interesting note.

I have been looking for work in San Antonio since about May. Since that time I've received little to no leads.

This is July... so I did what I do better than I do most other things. I took my job hunt to God. And I fasted for 2 days seeking Gods direction and leading in what He wanted me to do.
During those two days I got two phone calls setting up interviews.

I ended my fast.

My phone went entirely silent again.

I began yet another fast today.
Today I got two more phone calls.

It really doesn't mean as much unless you imagine weeks of applications and resumes and no response whatsoever. And then suddenly, I fast and interviews begin.

I almost (almost) think joblessness is the most exciting thing I've ever done. My only job is to do my best at applying for as many jobs as I can, and then simply trust God for the rest. It's... challenging and wonderful all at the same time.

Today, one of the calls I received is for a job that I have refused over and over again. People have asked me to do it for years, and I refused. And in fact, when I applied (almost as a joke) I made a point of telling them that I've refused the job before because I didn't feel I could do it.
They called saying they liked my honesty.
I hung up laughing at Gods crazy ways.

God is good. Quirky and crazy, Holy and Magnificent. And I cannot even imagine where He's going to take me next.

And I'm ok with that.

For God has not given sin power over me.

This is the post I hate to write. It's the post I'd rather cover up quickly with 5 or 6 inconsequential posts just so it gets buried a little faster. It's the post that I wish others couldn't read. It's the post that I'd like to pretend didn't exist within myself. At this exact moment though, I'm wishing it didn't exist mostly because I do not want to write this post. I guess it's time to get it over with though.

Within the recesses of my heart I imagine great things are happening. Purity is taking place, righteousness and other well known and pleasant fruits of the Spirit are growing. Instead, I found a dark and dirty section full of filth and fungi.

Two months ago I wrote this post where I told how I was praying for my replacement. The person who would take my place playing the piano for my church after I left.
And I mean every word of it still... I really do.
Really.

And then I went to visit the church and met my replacement. She's wonderful -she's even got the ability to play with soul, a particular ability I never managed myself. I truly enjoyed listening to her play.

And then it came... the thought that now that Sundays will no longer be a glaring reminder that I'm not there to play the piano for them I will lose my tentative connection to all these people I still long for and miss.
It gets worse, I even specifically refrained from e-mailing any of them this past week so I could see if they would remember me.

Can I tell you how much I'm not enjoying this confession?

But for all my years of Christian training, for all my posts on Christian growth, I'm still fighting hidden icebergs of sin. For all my talk, for all my hours of Christian service, sin still pops up and bites me. So guess what? No one is safe. And all those people you imagine as never having those embarrassing sins, the truly selfish ones that no one would want anyone to know about them (eg. this post) well, let me be the first to tell you - they do.

Worship leaders struggle with pornography, that church secretary is struggling with lust, that usher that has been so great a part of your church for 37 years struggles with greed and the temptation to steal. That childrens minister that you love so much and look up to for all he's done for your kids? He's got a problem with lying.

No one is safe. Not from the devil. The more you try to be clean, the more he'll try to smut you up.

So here's the thing I'm embracing out of it. The necessity of being a whole person. One that struggles with sin, looks at it and sees it for it's nastiness and then works to root it out. Hiding it, and pretending that sin never knocks on my door or could ever be found in my heart doesn't do as much good as this all-too-humbling post might. Exposing sin, and refusing to give it the power of shame over me.

I feel obstinate as I write this. My thoughts turned to how much I did not want anyone to know my foolishness and I realized that that was as much from the devil as the original sin was. The instinctive idea of hiding was disappointing to me. I believe the devil wants me to hide, to hide in a little hole of self-recrimination and imagine a world of perfect Christians that me and my selfish little ways will never measure up to. But I refuse.

All that said, I hope you got some good out of this post, because it killed me to write it. But that's the good part. No, the best part. You see, I needed to die. Romans 6:6

God is NOT a hobby.

This morning before church I was in our little room playing the piano, I was playing various worship songs and choruses when something came up and I stopped playing to talk to someone about trash.

Literally, trash.
Someone taking out the trash and the duties assigned with it.

Then I carried on playing my worship songs.

Some little thought niggled at me, but I didn't stop to think it out. It was about time to finish getting ready to go so after a bit I just stopped playing and got ready.
~~~~~~~~~~

We tried a new church today. Christian Family Church. They had a 9am service and an 11am service and since my brother is throwing a paper route in the middle of the night we let him sleep late so we could go to the 11 o'clock service.

As we got to the church the 9am folks are leaving. I was a little disturbed to see people in shorts, jeans, t-shirts, some walking by chatting on cell phones and holding their coffee cups.
I was trying to shrug that off as I went in to where the worship service has already started, and I was trying desperately to enter in and worship, worship but I notice I'm having difficulty tuning out all the distractions around me. People are walking around, talking, chatting... I remind myself to focus... the ushers are constantly walking up and down the aisles... focus... the people two aisles up are talking and laughing with each other... focus... someone pushes in a stroller with an icee...

That was my undoing.

I wasn't sure if it was right or not (I am still not sure), but suddenly I just couldn't sing. I did not want my voice mingled in with theirs. Even when they settled down a little bit towards the end and the singing seemed more focused I just kept thinking over and over again "lukewarm... lukewarm...lukewarm...." I didn't want to be a part of anything that God would want to spit out with distaste.

I could have been entirely wrong for feeling this way. But my entire being was wishing they would stop singing.
I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face. It hurt. I didn't want God treated badly, disrespected, treated so haphazardly. And I felt He was.

It was during this, that God reminded me of my morning activities. I was playing words such as "worthy is the Lamb seated on the throne. We crown You now with many crowns.."
Then talking about trash.
Then returned to "I worship You almighty God, there is none like You..."

... I was ashamed of myself.

But I was thankful for the new understanding of reverence and holiness in my life.
When I stop what I'm doing and I begin doing something unto God, whether singing a song or playing the piano, praying, I need to remember that what I'm doing during that moment is the most important thing I'm doing. Because God is worthy of it.

God is HOLY. And as such, when I offer Him something then in respect to that Holiness I need to make sure that I don't allow anything else to become more important or intrude. It broke my heart today to know that I had done that to Him. To know that something that was repulsing me so much, had been in my own heart.

It's kind of like finding a polluted sewage pond, and running from it, only to discover that your drinking water comes from said pond.

I've been seeking God for holiness, righteousness, that I would walk uprightly in as pure a way as He can create in me. So this painful revelation today was special to me, and I count it as an answer to prayer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

The church was still awful. We sat through a 10 minute sermon on why you should tithe (which I certainly agree with) before the pastor finally came on and literally unveiled a giant HDTV (and when I say giant, I'm telling you it was over 10 foot tall) and he did this so he could discuss the new sign they were buying. A big HDTV sign, 30' by 25'. (Obviously, the reason they need you faithful in your tithes.)
We spent 10 minutes listening to him talk about the glory of the sign when I passed the note begging that we could go. We walked out.

Ironically enough, they introduced the idea with the scripture saying we should into to all the world and make disciples, and how 70% of their visitors came from friends and family referrals and only 7% came from their billboard.
They actually claimed that now, all of their traffic would come from the new sign.
*snide comment not added here, but trust me when I say it's hard not to say it*

Please pray for us as we look for a church home here. I'm okay with going to church after church, (though it's certainly not my preference) but I'm not interested in going to churches that don't worship God with reverence and sincerity. I'm praying for wisdom, and a finely tuned ear to the direction God may want us to go.

Meanwhile, my lesson in Holiness today tells me that God is not my hobby. And must not be treated as such. When I sit down to enjoy a moment with Him, it's not the same as playing with a postage stamp collection, or some scrapbook endeavor. Instantly, an ordinary moment of an ordinary day is completely transformed into a moment when you, simple ordinary you, arrest attention from the Almighty King of all Kings.

It's important.
It's also important to remember that God can teach you something even in the worst and most dreadful of circumstances. Problems and bad events in your life are not for no reason whatsoever. They are there for a purpose and a season and God will use it for your benefit.
Always and forever.

Stages of Alzheimers

Judging from the stages, mom is completely on stage 5 of alzheimers. With a few issues from stage 6.
There are 7 stages.

Stages of Alzheimers

Obviously, there are other places that note different numbers of stages (3 or 5) but this just happens to be the one we went with.

It took us approximately 5 possibly 6 years to get to stage 5.

Whose glory is it?

It's odd how we claim so many promises from the bible about our own blessings. The first one that comes to mind is how He would "open the windows of Heaven and pour out a blessing" Malachi. 3:10. We claim healing, we claim prosperity, we claim strength, we claim wisdom, we claim FOG even ("Favor of God") in our relationships and dealings with people we want to do things for us.

In my many years of church-going I've also learned that at the end of all those requests, you're supposed to state that God would do all these things so "HE" would be glorified. Because it's certainly not about us wanting more things, an easier go of it, or anything like that right? Yeah, it's not about us. Really. We just want God to be glorified by doing nice things for us. That's certainly the only reason I would ask. Really. -- Have I dripped enough sarcasm onto these sentences yet?

The other day, my brother had gone to the library and come back with some videos with the intent of making his children watch them thus gaining substance, and slight education over this education-less summer break. That evening, they sat at the kitchen table and were asked to tell us what happened in the movie.

The first story, was about a man named William Tyndale. You may have heard of this famous name if you happen to own a Bible. Well, according to our brief book report Mr. Tyndale translated the Bible into the English language, but the church didn't like it, and the king didn't like it, and they found out he did it so they burned him.

The second story, was about a man named Jim Elliot. If you're not a reader or you just haven't read "Through Gates of Splendor" by his wife Elisabeth Elliot, perhaps you've seen the movie version called "End of the Spear". The kids watched a short animated version, and according to our mini book reporters Jim (or Sam as he was accidentally called) went to preach to the Mexican people, and they didn't like him because he had weapons and so they killed him.

That one report is a little less than accurate - you can click on the names to get the fuller, far more interesting stories of these two men - but the one thing that stuck with me through the two recitals was - both stories ended the exact same way. Both men were killed.

While we're praying God will bless us, (while we do little to nothing to further His Kingdom except for the "letting our Godly lives speak for Him") these men took on specific missions from God and if I compared myself with either one of them, I'm pretty sure between the two of us they are the ones that deserve the blessings. Or one might imagine they could gain at least the blessing of protection so they don't get killed doing what God has sent them to do.

But no, God was glorified in their work, in their lives, and even in their deaths. God uses glory, and takes glory from situations that we would least expect Him to. That - THAT is the glory that is really about God and not us.

Our lives are meant to glorify God, to be in a blessed relationship with Him that brings Him glory. But those blessings are rarely blessings of prosperity, except in the fact that we have ALL things of Christ at our disposal and so because of that our every need is supplied.

We Christians tend to get cranky when our needs aren't met but it's typically because we spent our "need" money on other things, we spent our "need" health on other hobbies. We spend our "needs" on "wants" and then wait for God to bless again for the need. I think God sometimes just wants to get our attention concerning how little we really need.

But our blessings still run deep and pure, and in over abundance. And perhaps we'll all see that when we begin to try and see things Gods way, rather than according to our flesh.
God is good.

William Tyndale knew God was good even as he was tied to the stake.
Jim Elliot knew God was good even as he was murdered by the Auca Indians.
Perhaps we can find it in ourselves to know God is good even if we don't have a new car.

Alzheimers, Grief, Faith

Since I no longer go to church here, I suppose I'm officially breaking and entering. The fact that I used a key only means that no one has remembered to request it of me, and I have yet to remember to return it.

But, being raised in a church - this was instinctively where I pointed my car when I got the news we'd all been wondering for a while now.

A counselor has recommended my mother stop using her medication. It is no longer doing her any good.

I was in a store, standing next to a clothing rack when the voice over the cell phone told me how the bad days that I'd witnessed a couple of weeks ago were progressively getting worse.
I remember walking out to my car and looking into the rearview mirror and looking at my face. I'd never recognized the emotion of grief on my face before. Yet there it was, so very different from all the other emotions, looking back at me from this strange face in the mirror. I managed to not cry for 23 minutes.

And then I went to church to cry.

I was at a stop light, with tears rolling down my face, when I considered how we don't deserve anything more from God, but as a Father He truly cares about my earnest please God that is still ripping from my gut.

My mom is going to be gone beyond any of our reach all too soon. I speak that in faith, knowing she won't be gone to me forever, but it doesn't diminish the grief. Grief.

Just in case anyone needs to hear this; I believe Christians should feel emotions. Grief, sadness, joy, heartache. I believe it's ok to cry because it hurts. I believe hurting over things does not, in any way whatsoever, show a lack of faith or hope in Christ Jesus. I know Jesus grieved. I know Jesus had sorrows. I know Jesus cried. I know Jesus never lost faith.

I am free to do the same. Just so long as I, too, do not lose faith.

Father God, my mother is dying with alzheimers and the pills don't work anymore, please heal her.
My dear pastor is dying with heart problems, every stint seems to only buy a little more time before the next one, please heal him.
My dear L is constantly suffering with migraines, and so many medical problems that I don't even know them all - please take control back for her and heal her.
My friend is suffering daily with fibromyalgia, constant pain and nothing seems to work to free her of it, please heal her.
My friend refuses to believe in a God who loves Him and created the universe, instead he chooses to chase psychological cures and hope from the world, please draw Him.
My friends father is chained by alcohol and simply cannot find release, please deliver him.

Please Jesus, You have shown mercy beyond compare to me in my journey. You have made me Your child when I am less than nothing, yet You loved me. It's because of all You have done up to now that I know You care, and that's why I ask so many things of you that I still do not deserve. Because my worthiness means nothing to Your graciousness. You are simply gracious and merciful despite my faults.

I love You.