Confession my faults - Fear.

I like apologizing.

I know what you're thinking, and I saw that eye-roll. You'll just have to trust me on this. I like apologizing. I enjoy naming how my sin was wrong, bringing it to light, and letting someone know I'm sorry not just for doing whatever, but for the disrespect, unkindness, selfishness, whatever sinful nature was rearing up to cause the action in the first place.

It leaves me feeling like I just kicked dirt in the devils eye. I like to take sin seriously - not in that I would think about it all the time, but that when I do find it in my life I figure out what it really is.

I've been stressed out lately. I didn't realize it until the other night but the move I'm about to make and all it's little ramifications was scaring me. I did some math the other day and, living on my own, after bills here I'd have $52 left for groceries for the month.

It's not that I don't think I'll eat, because I know God will provide work and money so I actually don't think I'll go without. It just made me realize how close to the line I'm going to be. If emergencies come up...

And I became afraid.
I didn't rest in the promise that God would supply my needs, He would help me, and give me wisdom as to the house to choose and what actions to take in order to use the money He's provided me with wisely.

As I grew more afraid, my actions around my poor housemates changed as well.

The turning point was when I griped at my nephew for dumping his water out to put fresh water in his cup. He said it was old and I griped something about how water doesn't taste old after 3 hours.
Then later that evening, I brought my cup downstairs, dumped the water out, rinsed the cup and refilled it with fresh water.

Instantly I was convicted.

And I did something I hadn't done too recently; I went to my bedroom, dropped to my knees beside my bed and I wept before God. I repented of my actions towards my family, and I prayed He would help me not just to treat them as He would, but that He would calm my fears and I would simply trust Him for my needs without worry.

I told Him I was stressed out, worried, and anxious and I didn't know how to handle the changes coming up on my own. I told Him I loved Him dearly, and that I hadn't been showing it - and I was so very sorry for how off-track my heart had wandered from the path and that I needed Him to draw me nearer, because I just wasn't close enough. I need Him more.

Wednesday night on the way home from church I was working on memorizing 2 Chronicles 7:14 with the kids: If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from Heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.

It seemed that night, those words were prophetic as I unthinkingly acted them out. But I got up that evening forgiven. Regrets can't be changed, but forgiveness is wonderful. But I didn't realize until later that God had worked on healing my land as well. Today is different, I don't know how or where I'll ultimately end up but... There is something new inside me that's able to trust for this now. And I came home and it was probably one of the more peaceful, kind nights at the house.

The night I repented, afterwards I stayed up late reading 1 John. When I reached 5:4 I found another verse that I set about trying to memorize. It's well worth memorizing if you'd like to try.

For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world; even our faith. 1 John 5:4

2010 Reader Census

Do any of you speak spanish?

I'm attending a bi-lingual church at the moment and I have some things that might come up in Spanish that I want to blog about but don't want to sit here talking about Spanish to a bunch of English speaking readers that squint at the screen wondering if I've finally gone mad.

So, please, I'm not asking much, truly, it would take 2 minutes of time (you can even do it as anonymous, I don't mind) whatever is easiest for you.

"YOUR RESPONSE IS REQUIRED BY LAW", "IF YOU DON'T RESPOND I'LL SEND AN OVERPAID TEMPORARY WORKER TO YOUR HOME."

Ok, so that's not true.

But if any of my Spanish speaking readers could just pop on and say "Hey, I speak Spanish and if you post something in spanish I won't ungoogle-reader you." I'd sure appreciate it.

:) Please?

Here's a hint as to why I might want to know - posts with items like this:




Lyrics with Translation:
Cuan hermoso eres Jesús, son tus palabras, es tu amor.
How beautiful are you Jesus, they are your words, it is your love.
Cuan glorioso eres Jesús, es tu poder, fue to cruz.
How glorious are you Jesus, it is your power, it was the cross.
La que me salvó, me rescató; un momento ahí nos dio libertad.
What it saved me, it saved me; a moment there it gives to us liberty.
Te doy gloria, gloria a ti Jesús.
I give you glory, glory to you Jesus.
Con una corona de espinos te hiciste Rey por siempre.
With a crown from thorns you've become a King forever.

And for my English Speakers

Watch your language!

"I'm ugly"
"I'm fat"
"I'm stupid"
"I'm not good enough"
"I'm worthless"
"What's the point?"
"I don't care"
"It doesn't matter anyway"
"Whatever"
"You're mean"
"You're an idiot"
"You're lazy"
"You're a slob"
"He's two fries short of a happy meal"
"He's dumber than an ox"
"Nobody likes him"
"He's worse than the other one"
"We'll never make it"
"It'll be too late anyway"
"I'll never find it"
"I'll never beat this"
"I hate doing this (chore/work/task)"

Do you feel inspired yet?
Here is one thing I know - I've never regretted hoping for something. I've never regretted saying a kind word. I've never regretted encouraging someone.

Here's a second thing I know - I've made a difference in lives hoping for something. I've made people happier by saying a kind word. I've inspired someone to do better by encouraging them.

So, please, I beg you, start using different words. You tear down not just others but yourself - you're so much better than this. Your words matter so much, and make more of a difference than you know! You have power that you aren't even aware of, and if you use it unwisely or carelessly because you just don't place a value on your words - people get hurt, discouraged, sad, angry, bitter.

Your words matter.

I know it's strange to say encouraging things sometimes - it literally puts a halt to a conversation because sometimes encouragement just doesn't fit in - but it's always necessary. Some people out there, myself included quite often, are just plain tired and a simple word of encouragement a simple word of praise makes a world of difference.

The Bible says so much about how strong our tongues are, and I believe if you go anywhere today you'll see living proof of it. Husbands gripe at wives rarely stopping to say "I appreciate what a great cook you are." Wives gripe at husbands rarely stopping to say "I appreciate how you work hard to fix things around here." Children gripe at parents and fail to say "Thank you, for all the things you do, from laundry, to meals or the new movie you bought me." And parents gripe at their kids for failures, without recognizing their traits and talents that could change their failures into successes."
And as part of the results of that you watch divorces happen and kids rebelling against their parents.

And friends fail to tell friends how much they enjoy eating lunch with them every day.

We gripe and complain, which just discourages and frustrates.

But I guarantee you, when you start encouraging people - find anything good to say! - then you will make a difference that you wouldn't believe. Things will change that no amount of complaining would have changed.

So throw out those lines you use on others AND YOURSELF - and begin using a new language.
You'll discover something amazing.

What my God can do.

I've been enjoying a major change of attitude lately. I almost took a part time job, but then I felt, again, the strong urging from God that I need to be here while I'm here.
For those of you that don't know, I'm living with my brothers family right now after the initial move to San Antonio so that we could all save expenses.
Our lease is up at the end of June so we'll all be parting ways and moving again (just to separate houses here in SA). And as the time gets closer and closer I just keep seeing how I'm running out of time to really enjoy my niece and nephew as local cohabitants. :)

When I made the decision to turn down the job, and literally gave as my reasons "I feel God wants me to be here while I'm here" - rather than spending so much time at work and away from home - something happened inside me.

I start practicing all the things I know I'll need as a foster mom. I started cleaning things, washing things, keeping things more clean, spending more time outside with the kids rather than sequestered in my room reading a book.
My attitude towards them has changed too - I've been a part of a trend of sarcasm and mocking in this house that I decided I needed to put at end to on my part. I remember vividly after spending two pleasant evenings with my niece, that the next night at supper I joined into laughter at her expense. Granted, we want her to have a thick skin and be able to laugh at herself - but, while she never said a word specifically, she looked at me several times like she felt betrayed. As though suddenly she wouldn't have expected me to join in the laughing this time.

Not a word spoken, but that look still haunts me.

I want my kids, and my niece and nephew, and my family, and my friends to always know that if I'm in their corner, I'm entirely in their corner. I want them to know that I won't hurt their feelings on purpose, and if I do hurt their feelings that I'll apologize and not make excuses for why it's ok that I did what I did.

This is what God is doing in me.

He's given me peace and excitement concerning the coming move.
He's given me peace and comfort concerning my parents move and the fact that I'm not there to help.
He called me to move 300 miles from home and despite the fact that I previously lived paycheck to paycheck, He helped me survive 5 months without a job.
He gave me wisdom concerning how to deal with a tenant that is renting my old home, and per an agreement with him he actually got caught up on all the delinquent expenses within 15 days.
He helped me befriend a girl that I couldn't have less in common with - (she's never out of high heels, and giggles about the color pink and glitter) - and He's really working something in her heart so she's starting to seek answers.

In the past 8 years He has taken me from a broken, hurting person to one that is entirely confident in so many things concerning His love and grace. I have a home in Him. I have love and life in Him. I am happy. I am content even with the things I don't have.

I have been blessed.

I know you don't often comment, but one thing that frustrates me about churches is that they don't too often have a testimony time anymore. If you just feeling like giving praise to God in writing, I'd love to see it in the comments.

Building a fire - Big logs.

These are just some thoughts I'd had while camping recently concerning how to build the fire of God in your life. Read Part 1, and Part 2.

~~~~~~

It was the thick logs of wood that truly got my attention.
It changed my constant efforts to keep a fire alive to sitting back and enjoying a fire.

Where the other items, my paper, and my small sticks lasted only minutes - this... this gave us hours of enjoyment. It burned, deep and thick. And my heart cried - God, give me logs!

That spiritual burning that doesn't ever let up, that still stayed hot after we poured water on it before turning in for the night, that heat that radiated hours after we'd stopped adding wood.

The steadiness of it all, the ease of it was... mind-boggling.

But it came at a cost. The other items just took the time to pick up and stuff on the fire. Wood though, if I had not purchased it at the store would have cost me manual labor of cutting logs myself. It is not as easy as picking up stray sticks. It takes pre-meditation and effort. Or in my case, money. Which ultimately equals labor at work to earn the money.
In other words - It didn't come free.

And as I've spent the last week and a half thinking about it I have considered what those logs would be in my spiritual life.

I would compare them to time spent in earnest prayer. For every fan of the few minutes of conversation with God just before you go to bed - I think you'll see there's a difference.

I would compare them to time spent speaking in tongues and asking God for interpretation.

I would compare them to time spent not just reading the Bible but studying the Word. Seeking out answers and new/fresh revelations.

And lastly, I would compare it to time spent memorizing Gods word.

You may have some things that would add to this list. I'd love to read them if you'd like to contribute.

The logs are where the meat is. You can get saved and sit around enjoying your random stick fire. It burns bright and fast.

But me, I want logs. I want my life to be filled with time spent gathering logs in my life that will burn long and hot. It also provides more enjoyment and less searching.

Building a fire - Small sticks

These are just some thoughts I'd had while camping recently concerning how to build the fire of God in your life. Read part 1 here.

~~~

To say that the kids and I scavenged for sticks is putting it mildly. I even hung off a steep hill clutching a fence to stay upright while reaching with my foot for a larger stick (the crowning jewel of the stick world). I got it too. :)

And actually my very first fire was just small sticks. That's all we had so I gathered as much as possible with my two semi-willing recruits and then we made fire.

Within 5 minutes I knew my little sticks were not quite up to par. I spent the next 10 minutes no where near the fire as I searched for something, anything, to keep my little fire afire. Coming back with more sticks I still enjoyed less than 15 minutes of fire. It wasn't going to last. It was beautiful, and warming, and wonderful to behold for the time I had it, but sticks just weren't good enough.

So I went out and despite my personal feelings of being ripped off at paying $4.50 for 7 split pieces of wood, I ultimately ended up getting two bundles.

The sticks still going fairly well, I added two logs to the fire and away we went. We spent the rest of the evening enjoying a wonderful flame and warmth.

The next morning, however, when I went to build another fire I had a harder time finding sticks (since we'd pilfered the area fairly well). So I didn't have quite as many sticks under my logs.
Because of that I almost didn't get a fire going.

You see, the big logs take awhile to truly "catch". Paper doesn't last long enough to catch the big logs on fire. But the paper catches the little sticks, and the little sticks burn long enough to catch the logs.

There's a good system to it all.

As I think about my life and the little sticks in my life I want to compare the little sticks to the day to day encounters with Christ. Not just the little moments where you hear a song and feel Him, but when you make sure and read your 3 chapters, 5 chapters, or how ever many you read, every single day. Or pray for 20 minutes each morning. Whatever your routine is.

I think the little sticks are the every day small things that we take for granted and consider unimportant.

We skip our daily reading because, hey, it's only 3 chapters. I can make it up tomorrow or something, today is busy. Talk to God before I go to bed? Well, I would but man, it's been a day and I'm exhausted. God won't mind. It's not like it's that big a deal.

But for every stick you take off your pile, you'll have a harder time catching the big logs on fire. My first campfire eventually burned brightly, with beautiful flames.
My second campfire with less sticks, had trouble getting started and while it burned it mostly burned hot rather than with real flames that I could watch and enjoy.

It made a real impact on me watching how the second fire had so much trouble. I'd put so much importance on the big logs yesterday... ohhh if only I could have a big log that would burn forever and my fire would then be strong and last.

But my big logs just weren't enough on their own. The foundation of those little sticks led to a beautiful bright fire. Even though they had seemed so useless on the first fire since they burnt out so quickly.

As I've said, it's easy to take for granted the small foundational things like regular prayer and reading Gods word. But it's vital.
At least if you want to build a big fire one day.
And I personally want a bonfire that will put Texas A&M to shame. :)

Building a fire - Paper First

I love camping.

If I could find some way to keep my clothes clean and neat looking so I could go to work every day - I'd happily live in a tent for the rest of my days. Especially now that I've mastered the rain fly. And no longer wake up swimming.

So this weekend, when we went camping, I absolutely enjoyed myself. *Despite the fact that I did ridicule the fact that our campground failed to actually have a "campsite" and instead called a slab of rock and a picnic table a "site". Lazy L 'n L Campground? Let me just tell you: people expect grass. They also expect to be able to be able to stake their tent to the ground without the assistance of a sledge hammer and railroad spikes. Really.

I still loved it through.

And I got to perform one of my favorite duties - making a campfire. And sitting there, watching the campfire glow and burn I couldn't help but compare the real fire to the spiritual Holy Ghost fire that I desire in my life. And I immediately began wondering if the construction of the two fires might be similar.

Since I tend to be long-winded I'm going to separate this into different posts that I'll be posting during the week. So stay tuned.

It was the construction of the fire that I began thinking about - the different elements to it. The first one being paper.

I'd rummaged through our things, and cars looking for scrap paper to put at the bottom of what would be my campfire.
Of the wood and sticks that would go on the fire, paper bits light the easiest. Just a small click of our lighter wand and the paper ignites easily. I need the paper, because it helps light the small sticks that are above it.

In my own life, in my own spiritual "fiery" moments, I've got my paper moments.
Songs that I might sing that just make me come undone with love for God such as "When I think about the Lord - It makes me wanna shout", or "Alabaster box".
Sometimes just listening to other people pray begins a small flame, or when I have just a small conversation with God because I want to add my own thoughts to someone elses blessing over dinner. They're all just little things but they provoke an instant, physical response within me as something rushes over me and I bask in the moment.

But they are just paper moments. The song ends, the prayer ends, or whatever the moment was it's just over. The paper fizzles out and it's done. It was beautiful, and bright, and wonderful - but it's over now. Because those pieces of paper don't sustain you any more than one bite of meat a day, or one sip of water. They're just wonderful moments.

Thank you Lord for the paper moments in my life. I can't live off them, but without them I would never build up to what's coming.

God doesn't want you to be happy.

Attention grabbing headline, eh?
I recently stumbled into a strange situation. A married man, searching for a girlfriend, because he and his wife were separated. Except he referred to himself as divorced.

As he so eloquently put it he was lonely and wanted to be happy.

And I'd like to just go on the record right now as saying "God doesn't want you to be happy."
He wants you to be so much more than just happy.

But unfortunately, we're so adamant that being a Christian means being happy that we chase happiness. When all the while God wants us to chase Him, and doing right and doing good - even when it's hard and miserable and hurts.

Maybe you're married to someone who doesn't care about you anymore and is asking for a divorce, God wants you to stay married even though it's not fun.

Maybe you're working at a job that you hate, but God hasn't provided another one and has made it clear that it's where you're supposed to be. God wants you to work, and work diligently without badmouthing your company even though you're frustrated.

Maybe you're at a church that has grown a little stale for you but God still wants you there even though you hate the singing and the preaching is canned. God wants you to stay, support and pray for the church until He moves you. Even though you feel you aren't "growing" there, you'll just have to work on that growing at home or with other options.

Sometimes, whether at home, church, or work (the three major areas of most of our lives) God is willing to let you be unhappy with a situation. And amazingly enough, the God of the universe doesn't automatically move us around to where our greatest feeling of "happiness" is.

He puts us in hard situations, miserable ones (worse than martyrdom because you only wish you could die to get out of it! but you're stuck indefinitely) and He expects us to serve Him, do the right thing, and trust Him with the outcome.

It's far more worth it.

We chase temporal things like oh-so-fleeting happiness - while we lose out on true joy and peace that will last.

Don't trade right for happy.

Encourage yourself in the LORD.

I'm going to talk about something strange, and personal.

The past month or so has been strange. I'm constantly exhausted, and have a persistent headache that only lets up when I'm able to get a good amount of sleep. But I'm not sleeping well lately because nearly every single night is riddled with nightmares.

Cap that with the fact that I'm working with some unusual people and it's imperative that I be the influence on them and not the other way around. I've been in some unusual situations and odd conversations in the past month an a half that leave me questioning my ability to handle "the world". I long for a safe little cocoon of innocence that doesn't use bad language or talk about inappropriate things.

Cap that with a very obvious absence of Spiritual Inlets - if I can get away with calling it that - a wish to have some kind of church family again. A place where I can go, see the same faces, pray for the same concerns, and listen to someone I respect teach, and to worship with other people that I know.

It's like I'm getting drained and it's harder and harder to fill back up.

But, while you might not relate to the crazy inability to sleep due to odd nightmares, you might relate to the latter feeling. Needs, things, life, all sucking away at your resources and you're not sure where the strength is going to come from for the next battle.

So I want to tell you a story I've been going over and over and over lately. It's only 6 verses, but I'm going to paraphrase it some so hopefully no one skims scriptures...

1 Samuel 30:1-6
David and his men were returning to Ziklag, only to find that their town had been burned, and their wives and children had been taken away by the enemy.
And when the men saw that their wives, sons, and daughters had been taken captive they lifted up their voices as wept until they had no more power to weep.
They wept until they had no more power to weep.
Two of Davids wives were taken, including the much sought after Abigail wife of Nabal.
And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.

David encouraged himself in the LORD his God

Too, too often we wait for someone else to come along and encourage us. We call up friends and family and pastors and deacons and Sunday School teachers saying "help! I need to be encouraged" and while we should encourage one another - we also need to have that ... umph ... within us, the knowledge and power and foundation within us that rises up and speaks to our very soul and says "Soul, I trust in the LORD."
It's not a phone call away. It's a breath. It's just a moment, a whisper away.
So the next time your pastor isn't available for the 3am phone call, or you get bad news and want to talk to your really spiritual friend; encourage yourself in the LORD.

I know how my troubles will end. I don't know when, and I don't know what all will happen, but I know ultimately I'm going to come out of this odd period of adjustment and struggle with a stronger faith and far more practiced at encouraging myself than I ever have been before. I'll be closer to God at the end of this. I'm not even worried about it anymore.
I know I have been bought with a price and I belong to my Redeemer.
I am secure.

Not one sorrow will ever change that.
So quit waiting for other people, and begin speaking your words of faith and courage to your Soul. Speak out. Speak boldly.
Speak TRUTH.
No weapon of the enemy will be able to destroy you. You know how it will end.

Who you are.

I'm listening, obsessively so, to Kari Jobe sing "No Sweeter Name". I typically get online and put it on YouTube, then spend the rest of my browsing session hitting the "replay" button on the video. I'm one of those obnoxious people that can listen to a song on repeat for 3 weeks and not even notice steam coming out of your ears.

I talk to the sky. If I think the day is beautiful, regardless of who is with me I may just tell God "thank you" out loud for such a pretty day.

I'm strict. I tend to take things too seriously. Unless I don't take anything seriously because I'm in a snarky mood.

I have a position on everything. Including things where I specifically state I have no position on a subject. No position IS my position, and I'll firmly defend it.

I like ketchup. A lot. And I won't apologize for the quantity I put on my plate.

I'm quick to assume you're upset with me.
I constantly battle the inner desire to shrug out of caring about people by saying "Whatever, I don't need you anyway."

I ache sometimes for other people, so badly that tonight I'm close to tears for a co-worker that I just watched willingly be physically abused. But everyone else thinks it was "entertainment" and I feel like an idiot for being the one wanting to scream "STOP HURTING HIM!" When no one else is taking it seriously.

I'm usually the frustrating friend that's serious, when everyone else is laughing.

You might not care about any of that. But something has happened in the last 10 months of moving to San Antonio to leave me changing so much physically and emotionally and spiritually that it leaves me wondering who exactly I am in all of those areas. What am I really like? Are any of the changes things that I wouldn't approve of? Am I doing what I want to do or am I just blending in with the crowd?

Of all the things I'm learning, something that has been gripping me the last few weeks, is the constant reminder that I want to become a person that God is pleased with. I want God to find light and beauty in the dark recesses of my heart where something stale and dim once was. I want Him to find my soul vibrant. Ever changing, ever growing, ever evolving into something that steps out of comfort zones and challenges what I believe.

I'm going to make mistakes along the way, I've watched myself test some things and it's gotten me into some deep waters (I'm a stubbornly self-assigned designated driver for a co-worker who wants to drink something then go get her belly pierced) and I've found myself in more situations than I can count where I just swallow and wonder what on EARTH Jesus would do in this situation.

Change is a good thing. But it's been important for me as I've struggled through these changes that I know I'm not becoming more like the world and less like Christ. It's one of those things people laugh about, joke about, shrug off. But it's so important.

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are, or what you're doing.

And if you are, FIRST, tell God what's happening. Several times in the last month I've felt myself completely over my head and wondering if I'm flying into worldly things that I might should stay out of. Then, in the midst of everything, changes started happening in my heart that turned the tide of my friendships and conversations so I was on a level field once again confident that I was not following the world away from Him.

That's a lot of words just to say this: God can help you be exactly what He wants you to be.

Strive for that. Seek Him, and you'll suddenly find a beautiful HIM inside of YOU. And you'll have no cause to be ashamed.

Gods signature.

Well, I thought it was foolish to be so intrigued by something so... um.. well. mundane. But a commenter, Sherry, who is actually one of my favorite followers just because of her profile information (I'm not kidding either) well, she, unfortunately for all of you, has encouraged my oddball habit of seeing God in everything around me. So despite the fact that I told myself not to be silly enough to write this post, I'm writing it anyway.

And you can all blame Sherry.

I don't know how many of you use Adobe Acrobat. I never did. My computer at home doesn't even want to allow me to open .pdf files. My new job however, opened up a world of new programs to use and Adobe Acrobat is numero uno on our list of favorites.

I make and save dozens of files each day. But one special one that I put together for each packet gets my signature. Obviously I can't sign it, so, thanks to Adobe Acrobat's nifty tools, I have an electronic signature that puts my name and business information on the signature line. It makes my packet official.

If I fail to sign it, my packet would not be processed which could end up making my company financially responsible should the claim not get approved because it was held back because of the signature. My signature is the stamp of approval which gets my packet where I need it to go.

But what's intrigued me about this signature is the question it asks me every time I put it on the packet. I create the packet, then sign the packet and every single time Adobe informs me that because of my signature my packet is going to be replaced by this same packet with a signature. It doesn't wait to ask me that till I close the packet, no, instantly, because of this signature it must be saved as a replacement of the old file. If I click no, that it cannot replace the old file, the signature will not be added to my file as I need it to.

I save a lot of things. But rarely does one thing I save completely overwrite another thing saved. But when I put my signature on this, the old packet is gone. The new packet is all that's left.

There's always a moment of hesitation, even though I know what the answer is going to be. There are only two options "Yes" "Cancel". I know I have to click yes, it's the only way. But there's always a moment when the question pops up that I look at it and think - am I letting God's signature in my life replace the old me.

I know. I told you right from the beginning that it was dorky. If you're a regular blog reader though, you probably already knew corny was my middle name but hey, to quote Popeye, "I am what I am."

I've seen something in myself too many crazy time for this not to strike home with me. It's like I want to make two packets. One of "me" and one with "me and God". I'll add history and files, goals and hobbies to the "Me" packet and neglect the "me and God" packet. I try and be two different people. One that's Spiritual and Holy and all God-happy. The one that loves worship and holiness, miracles and good preaching. And a second person that goes to wrestling matches and watches a friend drink enough to not cry when they get something pierced.

Adobe Acrobat doesn't give me the option of having two files though.
And God doesn't either.
I hope you're not laughing too hard at my unusual sense of God, but if you are I hope you pick yourself up off the floor long enough to hear the sadness and sobriety in my writings as I say how much, with my whole heart, I click "Yes".
I want to replace the old me, with the one with His signature.

If only it were always as easy as the click of a button.
But there's only one me that I'm so proud of, so absolutely enjoying, so crazy happy and secure in. And that's the one with God in it. It's the only one I truly want.
It's the only me worth having.

Taking a walk.

I was driving home from work the other day when I witnessed a very common sight in my neighborhood. A gentleman was walking his dog.

Or he was when I first saw him anyway.

Suddenly he jerked to a stop as the dog stopped and started sniffing at something profoundly interesting to him on the ground. As I made a turn, I could see the guy just standing there, holding the dogs leash, unable to go anywhere.

I can only assume that he accepts such a lack of discipline and doesn't just leave the dog there because he loves it.

I don't know why, but instantly I imagined God holding my leash while I yank Him to a stop again to sniff at some hobby.

It's not that He's unable to move, while He stands there waiting on me, it's just that He won't leave me behind. So He waits. Knowing that as I grow up I'll become more disciplined and focused on taking that walk with Him and not being so distracted by the things around me.

I can only assume that He accepts such a lack of discipline and doesn't leave me behind because He loves me.

Inspirational speeches.

I was researching motivational speeches and stumbled across this. Hope you guys might enjoy it. It's a put together of 40 different speeches into a 2 minute speech of it's down. Below the video is the transcript of the speech.

Hat's off to Matthew Belinkie for creating this.




Shame on you. This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re going to let it be the worst. And I guarantee a week won’t go by in your life you won’t regret walking out, letting them get the best of you. Well, I’m not going home. We’ve come too far! And I’m going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. A day may come when the courage of men fails… but it is not THIS day. The line must be drawn HERE. This far, no further! I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. You’re going to work harder than you ever worked before. But that’s fine, we’ll just get tougher with it! If a person grits his teeth and shows real determination, failure is not an option. That’s how winning is done! Believe me when I say we can break this army here, and win just one for the Gipper. But I say to you what every warrior has known since the beginning of time: you’ve got to get mad. I mean plum mad dog mean. If you would be free men, then you must fight to fulfill that promise! Let us cut out their living guts one inch at a time, and they will know what we can do! Let no man forget how menacing we are. We are lions! You’re like a big bear, man! This is YOUR time! Seize the day, never surrender, victory or death… that’s the Chicago Way! Who’s with me? Clap! Clap! Don’t let Tink die! Clap! Alright! Let’s fly! And gentlemen in England now abed shall know my name is the Lord when I tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our Independence Day!

What are you?

This is an iffy little post for me to write because the entire thing leaves me feeling frustrated and foolish and even though the situation ended several days ago I am still burning with the lesson I learned.

I suppose it's still a little too tender for me because I'm going to leave the details vague - but suffice it to say, someone told me they were a certain thing and they were not.

And I'll tell you straight up it's pretty annoying to be lied to.

And, as almost always happens, as I stewed about how mistreated I felt by someone else - I was able to see that same sin within myself.

I've actually gotten better about it, unexpectedly so and very recently, with this blog. I'm admitting things more close to my heart and misguided than what I would typically like to do. You all are getting a pretty fair and open look at exactly what I think and feel when I write - both good and bad. You've seen me at my most stubborn, most fearful, and you've seen me be downright wrong.
And that's exactly what I want you to see because amongst my strong desire for God and Holiness is a completely whacked out person who still struggles just to not bite someones head off or quit relationships the minute they get hard. I'm human.

It's nice to have people in your life that appear to be so utterly Godly that you can dump all your problems into them like a coin bank machine and receive back a little slip of paper that just tells you what you should do. Those people never get tired, or discouraged, they always want to listen to your problems and they never have any of their own.

The problem is, those people are really actually human. They're just pretending for your sake because they know you want a prop to hold you up and that you're expecting it to be them instead of God. So they stand there and take it. But it's always painfully disappointing when you reach for your fix it all coin bank and discover they're off having a cancer removed from their liver and they're trying to figure out why God let this happen.

My friends, I'm always willing to listen and encourage you however I can, but if you've read my blog you'll see I'm no Holy Joe.

But what I do hope people will find in this blog is that, much like the Army motto, I'm trying to be all that I can be. I might not make it some days, and some days I might sail through so easily that it's hard to imagine doubting anything.

But whatever you do, even you coin bank folks out there who pretend you never woke up in the morning saying "I hate everything about this decision God.", don't pretend to others that you're more than you are.

Be all that you are. Every glorious, nasty bit of it. Fight for the best - but don't ever pretend to be perfect. Be exactly who you are. I have it on good authority that people enjoy seeing others grow. How can anyone see you grow if you walk around perfect?

Getting up again for a miracle.

It's my favorite Bible story of all time: The pool of Bethesda.

It's sparked my favorite posts that I've ever written; like Trouble The Waters, and Trouble The Waters 2.

And now it's sparking this one.

But as I was reading this this time - it stirred something different in me.
So, just to warm us all up and refresh our memories I'd like to repeat the story.


Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.

And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The impotent man answered him, "Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming another steppeth down before me."

Jesus saith unto him, "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."

And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked: and on the same day was the sabbath.



I could keep going, because there is a little bit more to the story than that, but that is a good stopping place and still gives you the story.

What gripped me about the story is that the man is still going down. "while I am coming" he said, another stepped down before him. He didn't say that another would get there before him, so there was no point in trying. He said "while I am coming" even as he feared it was futile.

To add to that is the simple fact that this isn't a daily occurrence. It says the angel came at "a certain season". Let's just say for illustrations sake that it's talking about natures seasons and call it 4 times a year that the angel comes. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, I'm making up a number to just illustrate, I haven't been able to find any writings with anything more than a suggestion of one possibility.)

But even if it were 4 times a year, that gives you 3 months in between each failure to tell yourself that there isn't any point of even going to sit on one of the porches, much less getting up and trying to get in the pool before anyone else.

Trust me, after 3 months of telling myself it was pointless, there was no way I'd get there in time, I wouldn't disappoint myself by going back to the pool. I just wouldn't.

But here he is, for who knows how many years, season after season, knowing "while I am coming another steppeth down before me", he still comes.

For me, this fit into a struggle I'm facing.
I'm tired of trying church after church, being disappointed, and frustrated. I'm let down that after all these months in San Antonio I have yet to find a truly good church that can be my home. Last Sunday I went to a Baptist church, but it took every last bit of effort I had to make myself go. I had to bribe the kids to get them to go, and then rewarded them even further afterwards because the experience was so awful.

Every Sunday I struggle to make myself go. I don't want to get up. It's not going to be a good church. I'll leave even more disappointed with Christian-kind. It will make it that much harder to go next week. "While I am coming, another steppeth down before me."

But he kept stepping. For however many seasons, however many years, he still came down.

For me it's finding a church, for you it could be anything that you're tempted to admit defeat on. Anything you can see that it's obvious your desire won't come true. Anything that tells you it's too hard, you're not strong enough to succeed, someone else will get it instead of you. You know what it is because the minute I started this paragraph you started thinking about and wondering if there is any point in hoping for it.

So get up. Be a person who "yet comes". Because the miracle worker appears when you least expect it.

And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed and walked; and on the same day was the sabbath.

Tomorrows post is going to be awesome

I'll never tell you I'm an amazing writer. So trust me when I say I'm not building up tomorrows post because it will be written in amazing form. But in my Bible reading tonight I was incredibly struck with something that I just can't wait to share.

So... as soon as I can get the post up tomorrow, I hope you find it as hope-inducing as I did. The idea is just incredible to me, and I can't wait to get it all written down.

Come back tomorrow!

In case you're wondering...

I have really awful internet right now that makes it take about an hour and a half to upload my posts. That's an hour and a half of concerted effort.

It's also an average - sometimes it's taken longer.



So, let me just put that forth as evidence of how much I love writing and posting and hoping for your comments. I sit at my computer an hour and a half after I get it written - just trying to get it to upload.



It's by far the most frustrating thing I've done in a very long time - and I've been playing balancing games on the new Wii, so I have plenty of experience at frustrating.



But, that's the reason I'm not posting too often. I've had dial-up that worked with more consistency than this.



As my personal review concerning Clear, the alleged internet provider, YOU STINK. You allow me to check my e-mail and randomly allow me to see google reader (if you're in a good mood), you tease me concerning youtube because you allow me to search more often than you allow me to see videos (which you only actually display 1 time out of 199,002,372,847 times - yes I'm sure I've tried that many times) and you forever promise that a magical tower is going to be put up in my area that will resolve all these issues. The magical tower date was supposedly last week - you lie. If I got a penny back for every time my "Page could not be displayed" , well, lets just say we wouldn't be cutting you a check each month now would we.



So... anyway friends - my internet is giving me problems as you can see and it's been nearly impossible for me to post unless I'm willing to devote quite a bit of time each night to the mission of just getting the blamed thing to "Publish".



I apologize, and I miss you. I've been writing - but typically after 45 minutes or so I just give up trying to make it post.



But I hear my internet pretender is soon going to put up a new tower near my home and that will fix this. Any week now really.



*sigh*



The best end I see to this is that in July we're all moving out of this house - so I can personally guarantee that I will NOT be chosing Clear as my internet pretender there.



Though I can assure you, as with this post, I will make the effort to get something posted as often as I can. This blog is too important to me to let slide. So stay tuned! Really.

One a scale of 1-10, how serious are you?

A couple of months back, I'd been enjoying the benefits of an incredible gym for awhile and I'd talked a friend into going with me for a visit. One of the trainers/make-you-believe-anything-is-possible-if-only-you-join-our-gym-professionals sat both of us down and began asking her questions.

Some of the questions were incredibly personal ones that only your doctor and someone as intense looking as these individuals could pull off not only asking, but also getting an answer.

Finally they got to one question that I've been thinking about ever since they asked it. He looked her dead in the eyes and said "On a scale of 1-10, how serious are you about losing weight?"

It wasn't my question, but I still thought about it right then.. a 1.... a 10... how serious?

She answered "10" and I have to admit I winced a little bit. Because I know she's not a 10.
Because a 10 is the highest point on this scale. A 10 says there is not even a small degree of me that isn't willing to do whatever it takes.

I imagined, easily since I can see myself in the same position some times that perhaps the answer to "On a scale of 1-10 how much do you wish you had lost weight?" Wishes are an entirely different matter.

Wishes are, as grandmothers all over the world who told their children "If you wish in one hand and spit in the other, only one hand will get full.", useless.

It challenged me to rethink the numbers of my life.

You see, someone who is a 10 in seriousness about losing weight, is probably going to lose weight. They won't need a gym to exercise, because they're already exercising. But they might use a gym to exponentiate the effects of their exercise. A 10 in seriousness about weight loss effects every single day of their life. It effects everything they eat. It effects their thinking, their goals, their desires, their habits. It also sees results.

So as I rethought my numbers, I realized that I want some of my numbers to be higher. I realized that if I graded myself, I would probably say on a scale of 1-10 that I was a 6 in how serious I was about seeking God.
I'm not counting my score of 12 concerning how much I wish I knew God better - the only score that counts is the one that actually involves me acting on what I say is important. And 6 is a sad score to me.
And it's also a promising score.
You see, a 6 means I see obvious areas that I can improve in. a 6 shows me clear ways that I can grow that I haven't been taking as seriously as I know I should. A 6 tells me that my life still has areas of change and when I pursue those areas - then life will continue to increase in this wonderful thing I call the Presence of God.

It's hard to separate your wishes from how serious you really are though. Everyone wishes for a clean house, good finances, well-behaved children, good relationships, favor at work; but few people are serious about them.

But do you know what a 10 is? A 10 is everything. A 10 is all-consuming.
Do you know what a 5 is? Half of everything.

A 5 doesn't lose much weight.
A 5 doesn't walk away from the presence of God with a face glowing so radiantly that others ask you to cover it.

If you were honest - honest - what do you think your number would be in how serious you are about drawing closer to God? How serious are you about walking in the Holy Spirit giftings so that when you pray people are healed, demons are cast out, prophecies are spoken?

10 is an easy answer, but I don't know anyone that is a 10 about anything. And it's ok to not be a 10. But I don't think God is pleased when we hit 5 and stop so we don't become peculiar.

How serious are you?

A word about Craigslist.

Well, the good news is that I'm not afraid anymore. I went out yesterday and met yet my 2nd car dude Andre (which apparently I need to clarify, he is a completely separate contact that had nothing to do with the first event).
If my gut screams at me again, I believe I won't be quite so foolish again.
But I won't run unnecessarily.

I'm happy.

But I still don't have a car.
While it is a wealth of great "deals" craigslist is is frustrating source of tidbits of incredible usefulness hidden amongst a thousand and one scams, weirdos, and people that just don't show up. It did help me get two buyers for my car within a week though... but shopping on there has been unreliable.

Grr.

God has not given me a spirit of fear.

The Friday before last, in my continued hunt for a car that actually stops on command I arranged to meet a person from craigslist to look at their car. So after I got off work I headed down to the South side of San Antonio to meet up at the South Park Mall. *As a point the further South you go in SA, the worse the neighborhoods get. I typically stay north.*

Once I get there I text to let them know I'm there.

I get a call back saying that a friend of his is bringing the car to me and that the friend is running late. He's going to give his friend my number so that the friend can call me when he's almost there so he can find me.

Ok.

The friend eventually calls and instantly something inside me clenches up and says "This isn't good... get out."
It's irrational, and I'm not a rude, fleeing person by nature at all. I trust people until you've given me a good reason not to. And even then I might still be gullible. I pick up hitch-hikers for cryin' out loud. I don't assume bad things about people.
So I sit there and he finally arrives. He's said things that don't make sense, but unfortunately when I ask pointed questions instead of answering he apologizes that his English isn't very good. He was white, completely white, so I've been calling him "The Russian" in my mind.

The Russian didn't have the car with him. He indicated that it was somewhere else and we had to go to it. He wanted me to get in his car.
The very moment he even started the sentence, his hand still in midmotion to point at his car, my gut screamed at me, "DO NOT DO IT, LEAVE NOW, DON'T GO A STEP FURTHER".
But again, I hate to be the freak who just says "No, I'm calling everything off now, thanks for driving all the way down here - albiet without the car - but I'm going to run home now in case you're a psycho."
So I tell him that I'm going to take my own car and will follow him.

As I get back in my own car, I'm listening to a gut that is literally screaming at me. I've heard my gut talk before, but I can't say that I ever recall it screaming. Listening to my gut screaming at me, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!! I hesitated and then finally texted my family a description of the man and the car. I even wrote that this was "In case something happened".

Let me just say that in hindsight if you feel enough danger that you want to send a text describing a person "In case something happens", then it's a situation you should probably get out of. Even if it means you're rude.

We drive about 2 miles down the city streets and ever worsening neighborhoods. He finally pulls in to a car lot. He appears to unlock a gate, but cannot open the gate very much. We boths squeeze our bodies through the small opening.

So now I'm inside a car lot, not able to get out quickly because the gate isn't open. To say I feel trapped is putting it mildly. I'm literally trembling. Shaking with adrenaline (I wasn't shaking with fear, I'll get to that in a moment.) The Russian points at a car in the lot that is impossible to move because it's surrounded by other cars. It's so tightly packed in that you can't even walk around the car. He announces that it is the car and then gets on the phone and begins speaking in another language. While I pretend to look at the car from a distance. He pauses his gibberish conversation long enough to tell me his friend is coming shortly who can move the other cars.

I swallow, it's funny how a person remembers doing the oddest things, but I remember swallowing right then and realizing that I've long since past the easy way to get out of this situation. So I look at him and politely say that I had already arranged to meet someone in 30 minutes (not a lie) and needed to leave and was very sorry but that I could not stay and wait any longer. His face made a crazy look at that moment that I can't even describe. And then I turned my back on him and began the long walk to the fence. My screaming gut was silenced only be the small chant in my head praying he would "let me leave".
The word "let" was ringing in my head. I'd never before felt such a hope for another humans mercy in "letting" me walk away.

I left. I left extremely shaken. It felt like I didn't even breathe until I'd maneuvered the city streets back out to the highway, and that's when I began trembling so hard I could hardly hold the wheel. But not for anything would I pull over.

I went home and tried to forget everything.

I did contact one person and cancel my appt with Andre to look at his car the next day. I officially banned meeting craigslist people. NOT gonna happen again.

Then yesterday Andre contacts me again and really wants to sell me his car. After at least an hour of gut twisting indecision I make a plan. Yes I'll meet him, close to my home, on a road that's close to the library where my brother and his wife would be and in a very busy parking lot next to a gas station on a busy Saturday afternoon.

So I go there and park and wait for him to arrive.

Andre sends me a text asking me to go to a different location.

That's all he did. Any other day I wouldn't have even cared one wit. I would have just driven a few more exits down and parked there. But the next thing I know I'm trembling from head to toe, and I'm trying not to cry. I send Andre a text back saying No and the deal is off I'm going home.

And that was the first moment I realized I had a problem. I drove away from the parking lot as quickly as I could, afraid he would show up before I could get away. I was stopped briefly in the parking lot by my brother and his wife who stopped by on their way home. I would have had people with me this time. The situation was entirely different. But I was still shaking so violently that I thought I was going to be sick. I drove away, and at the first opportunity when I felt "clear" of the place I pulled over to try and gather myself. And I realized I had a problem.

God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind.

Yesterdays events let the devil enjoy a victory over me. And I hate that. So, I've arranged to meet Andre again. He's given me even more reason to trust that this situation is nothing like the other and I'm trying again. If for no other reason than I will not allow the devil to keep this victory.

I've got a post on this that's not quite so personal that I'll put up soon, but I wanted to post this humbling description of me because I want to be completely frank about how foolish and stupid I can be sometimes. Because our Christian walk isn't about doing it perfectly and enjoy victory after victory. It's about getting up every single time you fall over and knowing that God is still there. It's about seeing your weaknesses and not accepting them but challenging them by the power of Jesus Christ.

When I become irrationally afraid I know the devil is at work. I believe when I met The Russian I had great reason to follow the Holy Spirits urging (I believe the Holy Spirit lives in my gut quite often). But the second event was just the devil using fear against me. And I'm going to attack it.

Whatever you've got in your life, whatever you see makes you irrational and you see it isn't of God - fight it. Don't condone it, don't tell yourself it's just a part of your past that is still haunting you. Fight. Give God everything you've got, every day.

You'll only be glad you did.

His great-grandma was rich.

I'm a music lover of all types - but WORDS typically get me more than the rythym. Fortunately this has the words printed on it. :)



(HT to Ray Ortlund)

Special request!

Good morning everyone!

I've looked and looked for a KJV Bible that doesn't have verses and chapters. But I haven't found any yet. The best I've found so far is an ESV, but I really would druther the KJV.

If any of you have found one, made one, or knows which online sites allow you to read in that format - I'd really appreciate your linking me to it.

Gracias.

What are you eating?

I was struggling with what to write with. Not because I couldn’t come up with anything – it’s actually quite the opposite. I’ve got two different topics floating in me, one concerning a study of Romans that I’ve been doing that just happened (as so often it is with God) to coincide with a series of sermons I’m listening to at work.

But one article that has been burning in me lately is a complaint that I’ve had for the last several weeks. Which, once you see what I’m complaining about you’ll see that the very idea I’m complaining about it is rather ironic.

I’m frustrated that complaining has become so very much the “in” thing to do.

Awhile back at my nieces’ birthday she’d invited a friend over to the house. Within 3 minutes of her friend arriving (and no, I am not exaggerating whatsoever) she’d announced to her friend that her parents embarrassed her and that her little brother was annoying and she hated him.

Two days ago, walking into a store with my nephew he announced that the store wouldn’t have what I was looking for. He proceeded to announce failure on every single aisle.

It’s not just children either. As adults we complain about the weather, our co-workers, and any other situation that comes up. We speak negative words concerning our health, our abilities, our futures, and our goals and that of other people as well.

And that’s the part that I’ve been dwelling on. We’re killing ourselves, and we’re allowing the devil to win hundreds of battles that might not have been anywhere close to a loss had we just kept our minds and hearts in line with God. The Bible says: “The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable: but the mouth of the wicked speaketh forwardness” (def: ”forward”=willfully contrary”). Or Luke 6:45 which says: “A good man out of the good treasure of his hearth bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.”.

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. Psalms 19:14

The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the LORD: but the words of the pure are pleasant words. Proverbs 15:26

Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself. Ecclesiasties 10:12

Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips. Psalms 141:3

The lips of the righteous feed many: but fools die for want of wisdom. Proverbs 10:21

A man's belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth; and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled. Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:20,21

And those are just a few of the verses found concerning the words that come out of our mouths. I want you to notice 2 particular things here.

1: I’m focusing on what should be coming out of our mouths. Because when we focus on that, we don’t have to worry about the negative things coming out quite so often. If you maintain an attitude of praise, and thoughtfulness, sweetness and hope in your words – you’ll not so often find the thoughts of complaint, and bitterness welling up within you.

2: The last verse that I cited was the one that interested me the most. There were several other scriptures that mention our lips as having “fruit”. Most of the verses mention either the giving of the “fruit” to someone else, or the satisfaction of your own belly with the “fruit”. We downplay our words. We’re sarcastic, flippant, mocking, irreverent, rude, angry, sullen, discouraging, pessimistic, and we think nothing of it. But we get to eat our fruit. Whether we realize it or not, we’re eating and filling our bloated bellies with our words. But I’ve eaten enough bad fruit (there are few things as nasty as bad fruit) to know that the difference between good and bad fruit is so drastically different it’s a story unto itself.

It’s hard to pick good fruit at the grocery store. You pick up a peach, stick it in a brown paper bag and take it home and wait… hoping you take it out at just the right moment. But let me tell you, when you bite into the golden, delicious, fresh, ripe peach; it’s a moment to savor. It takes you by surprise how good it is.

But it’s also really rare for that to happen. Because too often the peaches either still aren’t ripe enough when I try it, or they were in there too long and now they’re a little… off. I’ve got a lot of words to eat that have been intended correctly, but improperly timed. I’m still working on it. That’s probably why there are so many verses talking about the wisdom of keeping silent.

So to end this little rant – just know how much God cares about your words. The devil cares too. Guard yourself.

God and LOST

I was in a conversation with someone the other day when they said something that absolutely floored me. That’s the #1 reason I wish I had more conversations with people – because you never know what might be said. Sometimes it’s life-changing, “What do you think about having COWS as our spokespeople and have them saying ‘Eat More Chicken’?”, or it could be something as simple yet still illuminating as “Your shoes untied.”

In this particular conversation though, I was laughing about something to do with how I’d declare myself one of the least stressed people in the world. When suddenly I was corrected by someone else who was under the impression, based on my interactions with them, that I was one of the most stressed out people they knew.

To say I was shocked is almost an understatement. I’m rarely stressed. In physical moments of an actual event happening I may be stressed a bit, but afterwards I possess a surprising ability to not worry about things, especially things I can’t control. (Considering my family history I’d say I’m almost a prodigy in this area.) But here I was facing the charge of being severely stressed out. And upon further questioning (since I was a bit stressed over this concept) it appeared as though my intense desire to get life right seemed to be where the impression was coming from.. Maybe “right” isn’t the correct word, perhaps “perfect” would be more accurate.

I want my actions to be perfect, my words to be perfect, my thoughts to be perfect, my goals to be perfect. Small goal, right? Don't worry though; I fail miserably when I consider the target, but my aim is always the same and I find myself disappointed when I see an obvious specific mistake where I could have done something differently. I want to be like Jesus. I’ll never make it, but it will always be my aim. It is my passion, my joy, my hope; to be as much like Him as possible and draw ever closer to Him.

And my driving passion apparently makes me appear stressed instead of simply passionate.

So to clarify things for those of you who have watched my life and felt that I was stressed out – when I most definitely feel nothing of the sort; I thought I would explain the passion burning inside of me in terms you might can identify with.

Have you ever watched LOST?

I’ve watched 3 hours of it so I will begin this part by explaining that the fact that I only have 3 hours experience with it means I obviously don't "get it" and makes me unqualified to even mention the show. My lack of LOST education bugs my brother to pieces. I’ve only watched those 3 episodes because over a course of a couple of months he had won 3 weeks worth of weight loss challenges which entitled him to choose an activity for the whole family. He forced me to watch more LOST each and every week sure that this week would be the one in which I would catch the addiction he’s carrying for the series.

To say that people have been fascinated by LOST, is such a gross understatement that it’s almost like saying winter is cold in Iceland. When I researched the different theories on the plot lines I found 25,105. Is Jacob good? What is his plan? What is up with the candidates? What is the Sideways? Where is Faraday? In continued searching through countless forum entries people are considering whether or not Flocke is going to let Claire kill Kate, why isn't Kates name written on the cave ceiling, and who Wallace is and why he is the answer.

Others do their own searching so they could just click here to see the Top 10 Questions that Lost Needs to Answer. Or maybe you're happy to have the 23 Questions about LOST Episode 605 "The Lighthouse" Answered. Or maybe you've been burning with 15 Burning LOST Questions. Or for the more aggressive of my readers, you might have been searching for The 100 Questions LOST Better Answer Or We'll Be ****'ed.

Or perhaps you’re more interested in the theories?
Maybe a theory on Time Travel?
Or a theory on Jacob?
Or a Sideways theory?
Maybe you’re new to this and just want General Theories?
Or perhaps you’re intensely relieved to find out the Four Toed Statue Question has been Solved?

I could keep going. Trust me, it was hard to stop once I got started with some of the crazy stuff I was reading. This was just the best example I could find that would accurately describe what I am. It appears as thought it literally kills my brother that I won’t continue watching episodes until I’m hooked. But it’s not because the show stresses him out; but because he’s so intensely passionate about the show. He wants to know the answers to the questions the show has raised in his mind and he enjoys talking to others about their theories and questions concerning the show.

And that my friends, is how I feel about God. The struggle for perfection is just learning the plot better. Figuring out what My Writer is going to do next in the story. Doing my best to play my part as flawlessly as possible. I’m a FOUND fanatic.

Link to Parable of the Race

Parchment and Pen may well become my new favorite blog (2nd only to you Brant).

But inside his post on Once Saved Always Saved is a great story called "Parable of the Race". I'd highly recommend reading the whole post, but the parable is outstanding.

My AD Testimony

This post was inspired by C. Michael Pattons post "8 Things I Hate About Christianity" over at Parchment and Pen.

He described how much he hated the BC and AD testimonies. He defined the differences between the two as BC testimonies (Before Christ) showcasing how awful life was before. Then the AD testimony says how wonderful I've become after Christ.

So I wanted to give my AD testimony. And I'd love to hear yours too if you'd like to blog your AD testimony and leave me a comment with the link, or if you'd rather just leave your testimony in the comments. I think it would be amazing to see realistic testimonies of CHRIST rather than the self-shined examples of how far WE have come.

I may have knelt down as a child and asked Christ into my heart but, truly the life changing moment for me was January 17th, 2002. I started it by yelling at God. Simply because I was angry. It's been 9 years now, and I still yell.

I love and praise and whine and complain. I've doubted Him and His love for me, I questioned things and at one point I literally said "I quit". I spent many miserable months trying to figure out how to quit Someone I loved so dearly and who was pursuing me so extraordinarily.

I became a foster parent because I felt He led me to it, but in so many ways I failed completely at it. I was frustrated and confused and felt angry at feeling so alone with a burden so great ( which is what led to the "I quit" I'd just mentioned).

I also enjoyed the greatest blessings a person could ask for as a foster parent. One particular blessing is still active in my life as I get to watch her and her parents grow and grow. I glow in the idea that I've touched a life, her life, forever. How could God do that with me?


I've fallen into sin, sins that I know I shouldn't do yet the same ones I struggle with all the time. And I'm not talking about sins like "Not having enough faith", but the nasty dirty sins that you hide from everyone - especially when you've been raised as "the good girl".


But I can solidly testify that every single time I've sinned, and fallen from my walk, Christ has been right there ready to forgive and keep us moving on toward the goal, the prize, the high calling He has for my life.

Jan 17th, 2002 I didn't cease to be human and become some perfect, shiny Christian. But I became a perfectly blemished one. My life in these last 9 years - if you truly knew my life and not just the shiny view that sometimes shines out from my blog or the initial surface view you'll see just upon meeting me - is one in which truly God is glorified for His mercy and goodness, love and patience.

The last 9 years He's set me free from so much guilt, and fear that I've held on to. He's brought me to the point that sin definitely doesn't have as much a hold on me as it did before. He's led me down roads that, quite honestly, if there had been a way to just get out I would have. But for all the heartache and pain He's also given me more peace and joy now than I think I have any right to enjoy. Especially knowing that I only made it through the hard times by His efforts to bring me through and pick me up when I fell time and again.

People see certain things about me and tell me I'm a good person; but in all truth not one bit of it would have even been endeavored if it weren't for Christ Jesus working in my life.


Because only He could make something beautiful of this bumbling, questioning, mess.
And He does.

And I wouldn't trade a single heartache for the changes He's made in me.

The mistakes aren't yours to hold on to....

I've struggled with this more than I would care to admit.

But what's more shaming about it is that I only typically think about it when I begin feeling frustrated that someone else is doing it to someone.

I'm sure you've seen it. Someone who is reminded of their past sins and failures - not by their own sorrowful conscience - but by their friend, their spouse, sibling, family member, co-worker. We hold onto other peoples sins because we feel rightful in it.

If you have sinned against me I have the right to remember it forever, and to require you to take steps to prove it will never happen again even if it means it destroys you in other ways. Even if it means you must always remember you're going out of your way because you've sinned in the past. Even if it means you'll never be able to get past the sin and truly forgive yourself and MOVE ON beyond the sin - because you're always paying the cost of your sin.

I hate it when I see it. Some poor person intent on doing the right thing yet always taking extra steps to prove trustworthy, since in the past they have not. It makes me angry.

It makes me even angrier when I fail to see it in myself. I declare myself righteous and entitled to extra efforts because of what someone has done. And it just isn't true.

Once I've said the powerful words "I forgive you", that is it. No more lording it over them, no more chastisement and snide comments. No more sharply pointed jokes aimed ambiguously at my victim.

That's not what Jesus taught.

So when you say you forgive someone - the rest of the story is now between the person and God. Let it go, trust, and accept.

God really can handle the rest.

And NO ONE deserves a life time of reminders of their past.


Now I just have to stop actually doing it.

It's probably going to start with my tenant who just put the "check in the mail" again. :)

Clearing off the sand.

I just traveled back from visiting North Texas again, only this time I made the trip in absolute silence. No radio, no cd's, just silence. And I thought.
And I thought.
And I thought.

It's normally a 5.5 hour drive (though I guess my thoughtful concentration helped move me along because I made it in 4.75), so I had a lot of time to think.

Several things swam in and out, problems with my tenant, problems with my parents, and challenges with growing.
One thing that gripped me though was how I tensed up as I crossed over every single bridge. And that lesson kept me occupied for the entire trip.


You see, it had snowed the night before, so sand trucks had lumbered down the highways dumping sand on the bridges to clear the patches of ice. By the time I began heading home the highways and bridges were long since cleared and perfectly safe. I knew that.

I knew it with everything that was in me.

I didn't for a moment think that there was ice on the bridge.

But every time I reached a bridge and saw that sand I instantly tensed, straightened up in my chair and watched the road more carefully. The sand is to protect from ice... is there ice??? Watch out for ice!

So I did.

I've got at least one relationship in my life that if you asked me if it was a good relationship or not, a Christ-centered one that helps me become a better person - I'd tell you yes. Just like I'd tell you the roads were not icy.

But the minute I am physically in their presence, I find that the relationship is covered with cautionary sand. Sand that prevents sin from overtaking either of us.
The relationship is clear from sin, I'd tell you there is no sin at all, no reason to be afraid, but when I see the protective sand covering the relationship, instantly I tense up and I tread with care. So much that I wish I could apologize, yet I have no words to explain the apology.

You see, later on, there are great big sweeper trucks that get the sand off the roads. They do that because if the sand is left on the roads then it will begin to degrade the road, and the road will deteriorate and crack and develop pot holes and weak spots.

There was a point where I should have swept the sand out of my relationship and not proceeded with the fearful caution - and I just don't know how to.

Instead, the sand just sits there and every single time I'm in the presence of my friend the foolish fears begin to grind that sand into the relationship.
I worry that my friend hurts with guilt and shame because I am cautiously treading over my sand.
I worry that my friend lives with fear just as I do and has tossed their own sand out for protection.
I worry sometimes, that I'll never figure out how to just be, and love without fear of consequence.

But even as those worries cross my mind, I know - I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God has worked some amazing changes in me and my fears, and how I deal with the past. And the Bible reminds me that "...that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:"

If you need to dump sand on some relationships to make sure no one slips into sin or temptation; by all means DO IT. But once the ice has melted, once it is no longer a danger make sure you clean the sand up so it can't deteriorate your relationship. Fear, and doubt concerning one another has harmful side effects on friendship.

May this be my anthem till the day I die. God Is Good. I can trust Him with my life, with my changes, with my fears, with my failures. I trust Him to hold onto me when I make a mess of everything and find myself facing piles of sand on my friendships. I trust Him to help me figure out how to live a life without that sand. Without that fearful protection.

You can too.

Compassion project.

You WILL be moved.

SEEING the future.

I realized something as I thought about yesterdays post concerning my "passion".
I mentioned that the missional living hadn't really panned out as we'd imagined it because someone in the house didn't like strangers. But that's not the entire story. I don't know about anyone elses reasons, but I know that I simply had the idea that missional living was a good thing.

I had ideas of what missional living involved and what I could do to begin ministering.

But in the last couple of weeks I've had a vision of missional living.

The difference between the two is that I have a picture in my head now of exactly what my goal looks like.

There's nothing wrong with ideas. Let me say that I'm "ideas" biggest fan. I love the unusual and creative, the inventive and thoughtful. Change, not for changes sake, but for betterments sake. Ideas are wonderful.

But admittedly, sometimes I have ideas that I don't understand how to implement. I don't quite see exactly what they look like in production and often my methods go awry.

But a vision is a bird of a totally different color. At least for me anyway. Perhaps I'm just a bit too dim-witted for ideas to pull me through.
The vision though was just simply a picture of things that I already did, and how it would allow missional living to succeed. It gave me a picture of who I could reach out to. It told me where to do it. It told me what I would use to do it - and ironically enough it was the exact same method Jesus used quite often.
That takes care of who, what, when, where, how - and I already know the why.

Back in June when I moved here I wouldn't have been able to carry this off. But now that I've seen it - I'm anxious to begin scaring myself with the possibilities of it.

Have you ever seen your ideas before you began them?

The Passion of the Christ

So, to be perfectly honest I didn't watch the movie Thursday as I planned.

I woke up and the song "I will glory in the Cross" was rolling through my head. Main lyrics are:

I will glory in the cross, in the cross
lest His suffering, all be in vain.
I will weep, no more, for the cross that He bore
I will glory in the cross.

And that put me off even more as I informed God that He could make me sing the song, but He couldn't necessarily make it true.

So I procrastinated all day long about coming home until there wasn't time to watch it.
Then I did the same on Fri.
Then I did the same on Sat.

I was starting to feel really bad about it though, so on Sunday I finally did it.

It hurt, just as I expected.

I didn't make it through Sunday as gracefully as I had hoped, but it wasn't as bad as the last time at least.

But one thing it did do for me is just solidify some plans I've been forming in my heart for a couple of weeks now. When we moved down here, missional living was a big topic for all of us. Unfortunately, one of the people in the house hates being around strangers. And I've yet to find a way to meet new people without them being strangers first. So the missional style we'd planned didn't quite pan out.

But as I contemplate my move I've been more aware that as a disciple of Christ I've been called to go into San Antonio and preach the gospel to every creature. And I've been dreaming dreams while I'm awake as images come to me and ideas and changes.

I'm anxious and nervous. And I look forward to getting started. The movie only solidified that. I'm ready to take the next steps, and I'll be spending the next couple of months studying my Bible more and more because I cannot do this simply on good ideas and wishes. The steps of the righteous are ordered of the Lord - but reading His instructions usually help too.

God has given me a passion of my own, yet it's still His.
What's yours?

Circumcision of the heart

I've decided to focus on Romans for awhile and one of the verses I've come across has really stood out to me.

But he is a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit, and not in the letter; whose praise is not of men, but of God. Romans 2:29

The verses leading up to that one are all talking about people who judge others, yet commit the same sins they're condemning others for; or those keeping the letter of the law but their hearts still aren't pure.

It also talks about the reverse of that, those who haven't corrected the outside, yet the inside is pure: "Therefore if the uncircumcision keep the righteousness of the law, shall not his uncircumcision be counted for circumcision?" verse 26.

I sit in awe at verses like that sometimes because they speak so deeply of the "riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering" verse 4.

God is deeply concerned with our hearts.

How concerned are you?

29...

I'm 29 now. Sometime around 3 o'clock this afternoon 29 years ago, I was born.

I've written my fond "glad to be alive, and thankful for God memoirs" every single year for the past 5 years. But on this 5th year of my blog, I can only say something still along those lines.

Every single day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before.
Every day with Jesus, I love Him more and more.

Other people have say such things.. I've even said it myself, but then I tend to forget. But every different year as I sit on this day and remember the past year - I realize it's true...again.

This past year has been... interesting. A year ago next month I travelled to San Antonio and returned home dreaming of moving. And now here I am... dreaming of so much more than San Antonio.

I'm thankful for my life within Christ Jesus. I'm thankful for my faith that will soon take me into far more challenging waters and bring me through each struggle with joy and victory.
I'm thankful, I'm happy, and I'm at peace.

I couldn't ask for more on the this day.

Trusting in God for the answers.

I ended up in a long text conversation last week. Honestly, texting is NOT the way to have a real conversation. Nevertheless, it was the only option available as the person I was talking to doesn't enjoy talking to me about spiritual things. I always... always communicate better in writing than I do in person. So texting probably kept us from another verbal standoff.

But it was all about trusting God, and believing in Him even when bad things happen. Or even when bad things don't happen, but good things don't happen. This person has really struggled with God concerning finances and wishing that God would provide more so their family wouldn't have to struggle.

I argued that God isn't out to make us rich. And that God doesn't hate poor people and that's why they're poor. God doesn't hate sick people and that's why they're sick. Not everything is a punishment, but often simply a trial meant to lead us where we should go. And that God can be trusted when we take leaps of faith.

The idea of leaping in faith was less than ideal to them knowing that leaping could mean financial struggles, and continued difficulties. And how could you differentiate between a leap of faith and a big mistake since the outcome of a leap could be bad? To which I argued that sometimes your ability to know isn't based on physical things, but an inner knowledge - a confirmation by the Holy Spirit that you are walking in Gods will.

Prior to our little text-debate I'd tested the waters with several options concerning different jobs. One very exciting door opened up very quickly for me to go back into a career that was a dream come true and I was receiving information concerning the company flying me out for an interview this week. It seemed almost impossible to imagine that I might actually get the job, so I hadn't even really started praying about it yet.

So I was a little surprised, right after that debate, to suddenly know that I wasn't supposed to make the trip. I don't necessarily understand a rhyme or reason behind it, except for a peace in knowing I'm not turning down something wonderful - I'm turning down something that God hasn't got planned for me.

No regrets, no sorrow, no grief. Just trust.

My rewards aren't of this world. They aren't seen. They aren't things that I can hold in my hand right now. But my rewards have been...... amazing.

Tonight, I still chuckle at little at the idea that I have to wait until I ask God to get an answer. I was absolutely shocked to realize I had direction concerning the opportunity - and I hadn't even asked Him yet! But because of that, I realized how much I want that to be an every day occurrence. I want to hear Him speaking to me even when I haven't said anything yet. I want Him so actively involved in my day to day life that I'm listening for His thoughts concerning things just because I know He's with me and involved.

I don't want Him behind a little tent waiting for me to visit Him for answers.

And I thank God that He doesn't want to be in that tent either.

Thank you Lord.

Why didn't your comment post?

I hated to do it but a few weeks ago I turned on comment moderation. It's supposed to only affect older posts but apparently it affected the post from yesterday.

My blog exploded with activity recently (tripling the standard daily visits) but with that came a whole ton of comments for porn, "enhancement drugs" and other junk that no one needs to read.

One morning I woke up to 18 different sicko comments that needed to be deleted. That was the day I finally gave in and began moderating the comments.

For other comments though, even if you write something as an error (I had a recent comment that was just the letter 'o') as long as it's a real comment from a real person, I'll send it through so you can see what you posted. I'm ONLY screening out the crazy robots that were driving me batty.

So please comment, and just as quickly as I can each day I'll get your comment approved so you can see it.

Thanks for being here!

Paying attention to God

I love God.

I truly do.

But I've learned incredible things about the way that God loves me in these last couple of years. He's violent, fierce, holy and just. His anger is something so awesome that it makes even demons tremble (much less mere mortals like myself). Yet His love is just as powerful and awesome that even while it seems each week I gain a new insight or understanding of His affections for me - I still have not even grasped a fraction of it; so great is His love.

My love for Him is nothing compared to His for me.

I've also learned though that love is intentional and self-sacrificing. And so as I covet to return to Him as much love as I can I see that Bible study isn't about just learning more religious things and being able to properly state your beliefs.

It's about searching within the pages of this Sacred book, the very character of God Himself. It's about finding out what He's like. What pleases Him, and what displeases Him. Not because you need to know so you can win more souls - but because you just want to know this King you love so much.

I'm bracing myself this week, because this coming Thursday I'm going to do something that actually scares me. In 2004 the church I was attending got several carloads of people together and we all went to see "The Passion of the Christ". Despite the fact that I purchased the DVD shortly after it came out - I haven't seen the movie since - and this Thursday I'm going to watch it again.

If you knew me, you would know I'm not a very demonstrative person publicly. But openly in the theater my heart was simply ripped open and I was sobbing loudly (and embarrassingly) in a crowded theater as they crucified my Lord and Savior. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to watch and I've never been able to watch an Easter presentation since then that included the crucifixion because it absolutely rips my heart out. In that crowded theater, even knowing my words would make no difference, it took everything within me not to scream at the screen to PLEASE JUST STOP.

For the next couple of weeks I couldn't even bless my food without tears falling as I thanked Him for my meal. If you prayed in church to open a Sunday School class I'd be crying again.
The visual of what my Savior went through is more than I can stand. But I've felt Him drawing me towards it again and I just keep putting it off - worried about how I'll manage life in the aftermath.

It seems silly, but I can't just go to work and start crying in between each phone call and that's exactly what I'm afraid will happen. And the kids won't understand if I start crying at the supper table.

God has my attention, and I'm finally resolved to do this - and though I'm nervous about the outcome I know I'll be better off for having done this again.

Perhaps you're scratching your head wondering why on earth I'm carrying on like this about a movie. I understand. Perhaps I'm just too emotional, or sensitive, I'm not sure. I've long since just assumed I am an exceptionally unusual freak of nature. This behavior certainly isn't normal. So at least rest assured that I know I'm a bit off.

Walking through the grocery store with my niece this afternoon she wrapped her arms around me and announced she "had" me. She said she did it because I was always saying how glad I was to "have" her. That she was mine.

And tonight I thought of it in reverse with God in that I hoped He knew for sure that He "had" me. That I am His, mind, heart, and soul. My life is His. My everything is His. This week is His. So this week I'm paying attention to God. I'm searching out His character in the Word of God, and I'm searching out ways to please Him. I will bless the Lord this week.

May His name be praised.

May God richly bless you, and make His face to shine upon you and give you peace. May God show you the delights of His heart, and lead you in paths everlasting and true. May our Father teach you and transform you into a vessel of honor and praise that your heart shall flow with rivers of thanksgiving and joy.

The disciple Jesus loved.

I've always been interested in John. "The disciple Jesus loved"
And I wonder how you get a title like that.

I've always felt more of a connection with Peter the crazy, often failing disciple than any of the others. But in a way I've always wondered what John did, what John had about him that gave him the specific distinction of being the "disciple whom Jesus loved".

Any ideas from anyone?

Jumping over the edge...

So here's the story from John 21...

Jesus has been crucified, appeared to His disciples twice and then Peter stands up and says "I'm going fishing." Several others say they'll go with Peter and off they go.
Unfortunately, they didn't catch anything all night long.
The next morning Jesus shows up on the shore (only the disciples in the boat don't realize it's Him). He asks them if they have any meat and they say "No", so He instructs them to throw the net on the right side of the ship.

They do, and by a miracle they catch so many fish they were not able to draw it in because there was just too much.

So that is when one special disciple named John turns to Peter and He indicates the man on the shore and says "It is the Lord."

Here is what the Bible tells us happened next:

"Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he girt his fisher's coat unto him, (for he was naked,) and did cast himself into the sea. And the other disciples came in a little ship dragging the net with fishes."

There is something in me that has always called me to jump into the sea. Something inside me that screams that the little ship just isn't fast enough, not immediate enough. I want to spend my life jumping over the edge of the ship and swimming towards my Lord, every time.

There is nothing wrong with taking the ship. It gets you there, and someone had to be responsible enough to haul the fish they'd caught. And while I'm prone to an extraordinarily frustrating level to do the "responsible" thing - when someone tells me "There's Jesus", I want to leap.

No waiting. No arranging my recent catch. No getting my affairs in order. Just jump. And I love that the Bible gives me perfect examples of others doing the same thing.